03x20 - Barrel Be Blood Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Lordy, lordy,
looks who's Londra.

Not now, Beef. I'm very mad,

and just moments away
from pinching Tony.

I just haven't decided
where yet.

Sorry, Londra, but
the wholesale price of salmon

really is
a dollar a pound today.

You shut your lying fish mouth!
It should be double that.

Let's pinch him together.
Legs or butt?

Hey, those Fish in a Barrel
vending machines

have been driving prices down.

And now they put one in
right here in Lone Moose.

- Over by the gazebo.
- My God.

Hey, buds.
You two done selling yet?

I don't want to rush you,

but I have to go pick up
Caviar, my dog.

And then I have to pick up
caviar, the food, for us to eat.

- He's super picky.
- Craig, did you hear?

There's one of those vile

Fish in a Barrel machines
in Lone Moose.

I heard,
but when I drove by earlier

there was no line in it,
so I'm not stressed.

I'm sure Lone Moosers
are too sensible

to buy fish
excreted from a robot.

Ugh. I just hope
it's less attractive

than Rosie from The Jetsons.

I used to dream about her
and her vacuum.

I was the rug.

KIMA: Wow.

Reese Witherspoon
truly transformed herself

for this role.

So brave to try brown hair.

Can you turn down
the volume a little?

[scoffs]
We actually can't, Dad.

This is important research.

So, kindly take your
patriarchal ears elsewhere.

Research for what?

Well, Walter, if you recall,

Kima and I are about to go up
to the only all-women

smoke jumper base in Alaska
for the next three days.

We've been selected to be

Little Smokies
Junior Smoke Jumpers.

Yeah, Dad, it's our dream
and we finally got it.

Oh, how long has it been
your dream, Kima?

- [scoffs] For at least a month.
- Oh, wow.

And I cannot wait
to work with my feminist hero,

aka my mother,
aka your amazing wife, Walter.

I know who my wife is, Kima,
and I wish both of you

would stop calling me Walter
in that tone.

- BOTH: No, Walter.
- That's fine, too.

OMG, what if we get to go out
on a real call?

I mean, it's not fire season,
but fingers crossed.

Did you just wish
for a wildfire?

- BOTH: Walter.
- Yep. Yep. Got it.

Working side by side with
your mom will be so inspiring.

And here she is now.

Yep, two years ago, her crew's
pack certification run

was the fastest
in the whole state, right, Mom?

Oh, crap, I forgot we got to do

that frigging pack test
again next week.

Well, it'll be easy
compared to the weekly

hundred pounds of laundry
this family goes through.

I still can't believe
we made the cut.

You're the only two
that applied.

Well, regardless, I cannot wait

to jump out of a plane with you,

my feminist ideals intact,

my hair blowing beautifully
in the wind.

You won't be jumping, Judy.

And I hate when
my hair blows in the wind.

I've got a full
bald patch in the back

from where it got singed
during a forest fire.

You're gorgeous.

ALL: Walter, no!

WOLF: All right, new stamp day
at the post office.

- Let's load out.
- [gasps] Oh, God.

People are using that thing?

WOLF: You coming into
the post office, Dad?

BEEF: I am not.
I'm busy trying to set

that Fish in a Barrel machine
on fire with my eyes.

Okay, Dad.
Good luck, miss ya.

Hey, Dad. We brought back
lunch. You should

- probably eat something.
- [growls]

Fifteen people have
come and gone from that thing.

Don't they know just a mile away

there's a vending machine
called the ocean?

Okay.
Uh, well,

I guess we'll
run a couple more errands.

Hey, Dad. We walked all the way
to the mall and back.

And here you are, still staring
in that very fun way.

You want to move over
and I can drive us home?

[both grunting]

Don't worry, Dad,
I'm taking a picture

of the vending machine
so you can glare at it at home.

[groaning]
No, no.

♪ ♪

Huh?

You've been reassigned.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Reminder, you may not

use the bathroom
during work hours.

For maximum efficiency, please
urinate in your work diaper.

Aah!
[exclaims]

I can't let robots
take over the ocean.

All right, I'm off to
fight fires and save lives.

Just like
Reese Witherspoon's character

Carol Smoke in Branded By Fire.

Great movie, even better tagline:

"Where there's fire,
there's Carol Smoke."

Okay, we'll see you
in three days, Jude.

Listen to Esther and, you know,

don't get all
b*rned up in a fire.

All right, I will also
catch you all later.

I must go see Craig and Londra.

I have to stop the ocean robots

before they make me wear
a work diaper.

Good for you, Dad.
Your body, your rules.

[doorbell rings]

BRB, Jorgen.

A Beef and Londra pop-in.

I'm playing VR Hold'em
with some friends in Norway.

You guys want in?

This isn't a social visit,
I'm afraid.

Beef thinks
we ought to do something

about that Fish in a Barrel
machine.

It's already affecting prices.

Next thing you know,
we'll all be

pooping our pants
at the fish factory.

- You okay there, bud?
- No, I'm not okay.

That's why we need to take down
Fish in a Barrel.

It's an existential thr*at
to our livelihood.

I don't know, man.
I'm doing all right.

I just put a mural of myself
as a centaur in the shower.

It really gets me
pumped in the morning.

But, Craig, what about
all our fellow fisher people?

What about Rosa and Juan?

And Corduroy Paul?
And even Ivan.

Yes, he's too old to fish

and he steers his boat into us
all the time,

but I don't want him to go broke
because of Fish in a Barrel.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a lot
to think about there.

Also, I don't
want to freak you out,

but what if this were
to make you a little less rich?

[gasps]
Anders, cash me out.

You know I'm not a greedy guy,

but all I care about
is my money, so I'm in.

All right, we need to put our
heads together and figure out

how to get Fish in a Barrel
out of Lone Moose.

Tasty and convenient seafood
at bargain basement prices?

It makes me sick.

Fish in a Barrel's
a huge company.

So we got to think big.

Ooh, how about
some bad Yelp reviews?

We could say,
"I don't like this."

Ha, gonna be hard
to recover from that.

I meant big like
we shut down the power grid

so the machines can't run,

like Toretto did in
Fast Four-ious.

Blow up the power grid?

I love it.
I'll call my guy.

I think there's a way to do
this without committing crimes.

If people want to buy
their seafood out of a machine,

then why don't we just
make our own?

Oh, we talking about
a RoboCop kind of thing?

I'll have the surgery.

Hollow me out,
put the fish in my belly.

I love that you'd do that, son,

but let's try
using the van first.

Oh, man, here we go.

Our lives are totally
about to cha... Huh.

This place looks...
different than I imagined.

[chuckles]
Okay, what were you imagining?

I thought there'd be, like,
inspirational posters.

And a bunch of drinkable
yogurts in the fridge.

And maybe, like, a picture
of the misogynist police chief

- with darts in it.
- And where's the trophy

for getting the fastest pack
certification time in Alaska?

- [indistinct chatter]
- Oh, hey, guys.

We got ourselves
some little smokies.

Oh, hell, yeah.
The maids are here.

- You all know my daughter Kima.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- This is her friend Judy. - Hello.

Could her friend Judy go get me
my slippers from my room?

I'd get them myself,
but I'm not gonna.

[gasps]
I know what we should do...

[sing-songy] makeovers.

A makeover's not gonna
help you with Dino.

- He slid into my DMs last night.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, how about I slide my fist
into your face?

Are you still
fighting over Dino?

I thought he was in jail for
stealing those nuns' identities.

- Well, now he's out.
- And he's hot.

So, uh, Mom,
what do we do first...

clear some brush, take a jog?

[laughs] Uh, how about you two
clear some plates

and then take a jog
into the kitchen

and clean up in there.

And what will you guys be doing?
Taking a jog?

[chuckles]
That's hilarious, no.

We're gonna sit around
and talk crap

about the smoke jumpers
who aren't here,

so try and wash
the dishes quietly, okay?

JUDY: Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
This is gross.

I want to put rubber gloves on
but there seems to be

only one set and they're
filled with baked beans.

Am I crazy or are there
clothes in the sink?

Yeah, I definitely see a bra.

Ugh. I did not think that
joining the smoke jumpers would

- just mean doing housework.
- Kima, remember the movie?

This happened
in Branded by Fire.

When Reese got there
and she had to do all the chores

to prove herself?
We're being hazed.

Oh, right.
When Carol Smoke first arrived,

they made her polish all
their boots with her toothbrush

and do all the dishes.

We just have to tough it out
and then, one night,

they'll wake us up
and summon us and call us newbs.

Yeah, but in a fun way.
And they'll say, "You passed.

you're in the Sorority
of Soot and Cinders now."

It'll be just like the movie.
I mean,

we won't be awarded
a patch for our jackets

from our station chief Nicole
Richie. But what if we were?

HONEYBEE: Driving around,
selling seafood out of a van. I love it.

Can I tell the van
is supposed to be a fish?

No. Does it get me talking?
Sure.

[phone chimes]
Ooh. Maybe it's our first online order.

I don't think that's possible.
No one's seen the van yet.

You're right, it is a message
from a woman named Claudia

who is lonely
and needs a thousand dollars.

What do I do?

Would two hundred be enough,
you think?

- Beef, no.
- Ready in here.

Chest freezer's
plugged into the power strip.

Which is plugged into
the van's cigarette lighter.

I caught fire a little

when I turned it on,
but I'm okay.

We're gonna do what
that vending machine can't:

- move around.
- And...

[grunting]
I'm gonna do a little dance

outside the van
to attract attention.

Oh, and I can play my saxophone.

And I could do the hambone.

[grunting] Hambone!

Vaudeville-style showmanship
and fresh seafood?

An irresistible combination.

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, selling stuff out of
your van, it's hella tough... ♪

Is this an ice cream truck?

No, buddy, we sell fish.

Ice cream sandwich, please.

- Again, we sell fish.
- One goldfish, please.

Not pet fish.
Fish for eating.

Okay.
I'll just have the ice cream.

- Get away from here.
- ♪ Ooh, it's kinda rough ♪

♪ When no one buys the fish
out of your car ♪

♪ But there you are, oh, there you are ♪
[growls]

♪ Ooh, selling stuff ♪

- ♪ Out of your van ♪
- Dad, no one's buying fish

- ♪ It's hella tough ♪
- from our fish van.

- ♪ It's rough. ♪
- Maybe we ought to head home?

[groans] Fine.

I just need to take care of
one thing first.

Santiago, how could you?
Principal Gibbons, you too?!

Well, the price is incredible.

Plus, it's shaped like a barrel.
How fun is that?

That's it!

No one's eating
from the vending machine.

- Not anymore!
- Dad, no!

- No!
- [grunting]

Stop trying... to fight me.

[grunting]

Ow! Oh, God.

- I'm fine.
- Beef, let's go.

[grunts] That's right, Barrel,
you better run.

WOLF:
Guys, I'm worried about Dad.

His beefmelt over this machine
is a full-blown BM.

Hey, Beef.

- Ivan.
- Eh?

Is that
a Fish in a Barrel shirt?

Yup. I fish for them now.
I need the supplemental income.

Ivan, no!

You guys were right all along.

- It's time for crimes.
- [gasps]

Revenge is a fish
best served cold.

So, we're sure we want to steal
the vending machine?

We're not stealing it,
we're just setting it free.

You hear that, lil bud?
You're free.

[grunting]

And now we leave
this vending machine here

in the middle of the woods
where it can be enjoyed

by who it should be
enjoyed by...

absolutely no one.

Kima, wake up. You and Judy

- come downstairs quickly.
- Hmm? Huh? Judy,

wake up.
It's happening.

- The hazing is over.
- Huh, huh?

We're joining the
Sorority of Soot and Cinders.

- Here we go. Oh. Hmm.
- Whoa. What's going on?

The new season of Yosemite
surprise-dropped at midnight.

Gonna binge all hours.

Oh, and you want us to...

To get us beers and stuff.

Oh, and we need you to press
"next" when it comes up.

Our autoplay doesn't work.

ABIGAIL: Oh, and bring me a mug
with nacho cheese.

No chips.
I use my fingers as the dippies.

ESTHER:
Ooh, look at Steve Buscemi.

I'd love to take a swim in those
bulging, psychotic eyes.

Yup.
Still in the haze phase.

BEEF: Ah. There's some of
my favorite children

and some of my favorite
children's wives.

Good morning.

Please enjoy this breakfast

made by a human, not a machine.

[chuckles] I love to see my
Bisquick bad boy in a good mood.

I thought
once we were done eating,

we could take a quick drive
by the gazebo

to enjoy the new peaceful vista.

Fish sticks.

- The bitch is back.
- BEEF: What?

No. Craig, you're not
gonna believe this,

but there's a replacement
Fish in a Barrel machine

set up already.

Huh, I've got
some bad news, too.

People found
the vending machine we stole

and they're using it.

We should have dumped it
in the ocean.

The sea has been
through enough this week.

It's time to take this
all the way to the top.

I hope this robot full of fish
is ready to confront a man

full of principles.

JUDY:
Kima, after nine straight hours

of watching five grown women
bingeing this honestly

very terrible show about
a ruthless and powerful family

of Yosemite park rangers,

I think I've come
to a realization.

- What's that?
- I don't think we're being hazed.

I think they're... uninspired.

- I think they're in a funk.
- Uh, yeah.

I mean, none of them have peed
in nine hours.

Or they have.
Ew, which is even worse.

The recertification pack test
is just a week away.

I think we need to help them

get their firefighting
groove back.

- Oh, like an intervention?
- Yes.

We just need to think, like,

what would inspire
your mom and her crew?

I know. What if we make them
our own hundred-pound packs?

And put together
an obstacle course,

just like the one
Reese Witherspoon did in...

- Branded by Fire.
- Oh, I was gonna say

her episode of
Celebrity Hide-and-Go-Seek.

But yeah, that too.

It's so sad
that they never found

- Clay Aiken after his episode.
- Maybe he'll turn up.

BEEF:
We'd like to speak to

whoever is in charge
of the vending machines.

You guys seem
really angry with my bosses.

I hate them, too,
so I'm gonna let you up.

Take the elevators up
to the fifth floor.

Don't stop on any other floor.
No reason.

Dang, I'm sorry,
but Ron Perlman can get it.

Yeah, him playing
Steve Buscemi's son

makes no sense,
but it works for me somehow.

Yep. I'm trying to date
this whole family.

Ugh, this room is disgusting.
Where are our maids?

Kima? Judy?

Huh.
Where are all of our cups?

And our PS and Rock Band
instruments are gone, too.

So are the spare tires
from the trucks.

Did we get robbed by a burglar
with very specific interests?

Huh, you did not. The only thing
that has been robbed

is your inspiration.
But we brought some with us.

We are gonna help you
get back in firefighting shape

- for your pack test.
- Come with us.

What the hell
am I looking at here?

We made you guys some
DIY hundred-pound packs...

And...
[imitates fanfare]

...an obstacle course using
tires and hoses from the shed.

ESTHER: What? No.

Those shouldn't be out here.

We need them stored
in a specific place

so we can load them quick
when a call comes.

It's fine, it's not fire season.

That doesn't mean
fires can't ever happen.

Climate change.

Ugh. Everybody, let's go start
dismantling those packs.

- But...
- And having you two here was a mistake.

Go get your stuff.

I'm taking you back
to Lone Moose.

- What?
- What? No.

And as punishment, we're
listening to your cousin Sam's

Sublime cover band, Sam-blime,
all the way home.

But that CD is just
"Santeria" times in a row.

You bet it is.

CHAB:
Hello, hello. Welcome to

Fish in a Barrel.
Now, my assistant tells me

you're having issues
with our machine?

Did the fish come out of the
machine partially alive again?

- Uh, no.
- [laughs] Of course not.

That hasn't happened at all.
I was just guessing.

Actually, we're here about the
very existence of the machines.

Your vending machines are
k*lling the fishing industry

by driving down
the price of seafood.

- [chuckles] Oh, I hear you brother.
- You do?

No, no. Sorry.
I'm on a phone call.

Okay. Bye-bye.
Uh, go on.

The machines are also
an environmental nightmare

and very heavy to lift.
Probably.

And what does the wealthier
gentleman think?

Or your secretary?

Hey! I'm a captain.

Oh, I love that.
A real woman fisherman?

What? [laughs]

To answer your question,
I agree with Beef.

I love a good capitalism,
but this is a capa-too-far.

I agree.

Oh, I love when she talks.

Why do I love that so much?

Fish in a Barrel
isn't k*lling the industry.

- It's evolving it.
- What do you guys do again?

You're a secretary,
and you two...

We all fish professionally.

- All of us.
- DALTON: Sure, sure, sure.

So say you've had
a long day at the office.

And you would love some seafood.

On demand,
at the push of a button.

No. I don't want fish
at the push of a button.

Nobody should.
The three of us

use our hands and our nets
to catch the fish

that ends up on your plate.

I get what you're saying.

You love to eat fish,
but the last thing you want

is a bunch of people
getting in the way

of your seafood dinner.

Oh, my God.
You're not listening.

Those people are me.

Okay, okay. What if you
were to join our family?

Fish for us.

You'll find we are paying
more per pound

than your local processor.

Because you've driven
that price down.

Yeah, we have!
[laughs]

I am gonna high-five
one of them in the head.

We would never join your family.

A negotiator.
Love it.

What if we throw in a tote bag?

Oof, I'm still
gonna say no, man.

We're not fishing
for your mega-corp.

Okay, how does
this per-pound rate sound?

Are th... are those boobs?

Oh, yeah, sorry.
My hand just

kind of automatically
draws those.

Here you go.

This is what we're
prepared to do for you.

And here's what
I'm prepared to do.

[grunting]

- Uh, what are you doing?
- I'm trying to flip the table.

- [grunting]
- Oh, yeah,

that's screwed into
the floor there, big boy.

[laughs]
You're not the first to try that.

Let's us big boys
do it together.

[all grunting]

It's very funny
when the girl one is mad, no?

You know, I'm scared right now,
but I also love it.

I've never seen your dad
wear a robe before.

- Is he depressed?
- Seems like.

Dad wearing a robe is like

someone else being
completely nude.

[groans]
All right, everyone,

let us now consume
these seafood products.

Dad, is this fish from the...

Yup. Fish from the machine.

Time to accept
that I'm the dinosaur

and those vending machines
are the meteors.

Is it just me
or does this taste... off?

Hmm. Hmm.

This isn't snapper.
This is tilapia.

Try my halibut.

Holy mackerel.

But not literally,
'cause that's not mackerel,

but it's not
Alaskan halibut either,

it's Greenland turbot.

- I smell...
- Fish fraud.

I was gonna say one of your
silent excitement farts.

Oh, you're smelling that, too.

I'm very excited to take
these mother-fishers down.

[Judy clears throat]

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, before we go,
we wanted to say something.

We're sorry, everybody.

We thought this was
gonna be just like a movie,

- but it's real life and...
- [alarm bell ringing]

- Mom?
- Brush fire. Cooper Landing.

I guess you two
are coming along. Let's go.

Judy, if I die,

tell your dad
that you're grounded

for two weeks for that
obstacle course crap.

- Yeah, will do, Esther.
- BRB!

- Hell yeah!
- [whooping]

My mom is so cool.

Yeah, I guess
they didn't need two idiots

with no experience
to come in and show them

how to be better
smoke jumpers after all.

Uh, nope.
They did not.

I know they're not actually
fighting that fire in slow mo,

but it kind of feels like

they're fighting
that fire in slow mo.

And I'm definitely
hearing that song

Chandace Wisdom sang
for the end credits.

♪ I used to be just
a Macy's buyer ♪

BOTH: ♪ But then I changed careers
after my divorce ♪

♪ And now I'm ♪

♪ Branded by fire. ♪

[clears throat]
Hello. Hi, everyone.

I have, um, an announcement.

This vending machine company
is doing massive fish fraud.

The halibut is turbot.
The snapper is tilapia.

And after a lot of chewing and
a disgusting Internet search,

I've figured out that
the squid is pig sphincter.

- That's the B-hole.
- [gasps]

I know.
But in a way, it doesn't matter

if the fish is fake or real.

This barrel... it's a trap.
It's easy.

It's convenient.
But it isn't... it isn't right.

Look, we've always supported
each other's businesses.

Heck, we even kept going to
Granny Harriet's lemonade stand

after half the town
was poisoned.

I apologized.

And we forgave you.
And I can forgive you guys

for wanting
to try something new.

But I can't forgive you
if you keep pretending

- it doesn't hurt anybody.
- Beef is right.

From now on I-I won't buy fish
from the vending machine.

- Thank you.
- Me too.

I'll only buy shrimp.

What?
Santiago, No.

- It was worth a try. [siren whoops]
- [gasps]

Please step away
from the vending machine.

What's going on?
Is this about the fish fraud?

No. This is about
Fish in a Barrel's

real business:
weapons in a bunker.

The fish business
was just a cover.

They were making
illegal offshore weapons deals

while they were
out on the water.

- [shrieks]
- Oh, right. And they were also

tangled up
in bootleg breakfast cereals.

They seized a massive shipment

of Fruit Lops and Raisin Brian
in the Bering Sea.

Well, that's that.
The machines have been defeated.

Hell yeah, they have.
And, Dad, when we get home,

I'm gonna put the laptop
in the toilet.

- Just for you.
- Wonderful.

- [whoops] Cheers.
- Cheers, ladies!

Mom, we're sorry.

We just thought
you guys were in a funk.

Well, girls, you got to remember
this isn't a movie.

And we're not in a funk,
we just love our downtime.

It means that
for five glorious moments,

there's not a disaster.

- We-we get that now.
- Eh, you made a mistake.

But otherwise,
you did a pretty good job

doing all the gross stuff
we don't want to do

around the base.

You even found
my favorite bra in the sink.

That's not nothing.
There.

Now you're official
Little Smokies Smoke Jumpers.

[gasps] Does this mean
we get to stay until tomorrow?

If it means our dishes get done
for one more night,

then, hell yeah, newb.

Hey, Beef. Nice to have
the prices back up.

It is.
And I'm no longer worried

about having to wear
a work diaper.

Glad to hear it, Beef.

[sighs] Lordy, lordy,
look who's fishing.

♪ I thought my life
was picture-perfect ♪

♪ But then I found out
he was cheating ♪

♪ Got divorced,
cut my hair short ♪

♪ Oh, I was so damn defeated ♪

♪ But then a sudden spark ♪

♪ I stepped up out of the dark ♪

♪ I quit my job
as a Macy's buyer ♪

♪ Now I'm branded by fire ♪

♪ Where there's fire
there's Smoke ♪

♪ The flames of determination ♪

♪ Have been stoked,
have been stoked ♪

♪ I left my ex,
picked up an axe ♪

♪ Traded my high heels in
for flats ♪

♪ And now I'm branded by fire. ♪