01x16 - The Honorable Dan Fielding Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Night Court"...

I'm leaving to be a judge.

I've been offered a position back home

in Pearl River, Louisiana.
I leave next week.

I'm just not used to having
distractions from work.

I'm a distraction?

Elmer deserves his birthday party,

and if you're not allowed in there,
then I got to bust him out.

Hey, Dan, any chance I can convince you

to come out of retirement?
I've been arrested.

You're looking pretty good
for somebody who spent a night in jail.

I see you already got a tattoo.

It's temporary but somehow
already super infected.

Uh-huh.

This is so weird, Dan. I've never
been charged with a crime before.

It's gonna be okay. You were
arrested for helping an old lady.

We're talking about, at worst, a fine.

You're right, you're right.
I have nothing to worry about.

Oh, that scent.

What is that? Wet leather?

No, it's Chuck Norris cologne.

It's called Walker, Texas Fragrance.

I only know one guy who
still wears that crap.

Hello, Abby.

- Jeff Dewitt.
- Jeff Dewitt.

Eh, I just wanted to stop by

and make sure everybody's
being charged correctly.

I think that our judges need
to be held to a higher standard,

especially ones who are,

in legal parlance, stupid-faced jerks.

Oh, does felony breaking and
entering sound about right?

Yeah. Judge Stone sucks!

Judge Stone sucks!

- Judge Stone sucks!
- Okay, this could be bad for us.

I don't mind that I'm
the only one chanting.

A felony, Dan? A felony?

Do you know what that means
if I'm convicted? I'd be a felon.

I mean, I could go
to jail, be disbarred,

removed from the bench.

And all my stuff's up there.

I'm not gonna let that happen, alright?

You know, sure, this is
a jury trial in day court,

but, look, this star will shine

just as brightly as he does at night.

I don't think stars
shine during the day.

Ever hear of the sun?

Now, come on. Let's talk strategy.

Or the strategy is no strategy.

We're wild cards. Think about it.

If we don't know what we're
doing, neither will they.

Does he have to be here?

I'm not leaving Abby's
side during this scandal.

I'll be the good wife,

like on the TV show, "The Good Wife."

Now, as far as the
actual case is concerned,

I think we can pin this
on the real mastermind...

- Louise.
- What? No, I can't do that.

- Louise is my...
- Uh, stranger. Right, "stranger"?

Is that the word you're looking for?

I'm just saying that we could win this

without throwing someone under the bus.

Nobody's talking about throwing anybody.

We just nudge her off
the curb into the street,

hopefully as a drowsy
bus driver comes by.

These charges are ridiculous, Dan.

All we need to do is find
some character witnesses

who can testify I'm not
whatever terrible thing

Jeff Dewitt makes me out to be.

Fine, we will try it your way.

But until we're through this trial,

please resist your insane instinct

to care about other people,
and focus on yourself.

Judge, I'm sorry. You can't use
these chambers while you're on trial.

Oh, yeah, I didn't realize.
That makes sense.

Fine, I'll let you stay,
but you got to break my arm

to make it look like I put up a fight.

I'm not gonna do that.

Is it 'cause you don't have a hammer?

'Cause I have a hammer.

See, the key is to say
a bunch of first names,

then eventually the guy
you're interrogating,

he's gonna slip up and say a
last name, and you go, "Boom.

I never told you his last name."

- There's your k*ller.
- Help.

Beatles album.

And it's pronounced "'elp."

She's preparing for a trip to London,
so we're learning British stuff.

Listen, I've got to get
some work done, and, uh,

Rand keeps spouting nonsense
he heard on "The Good Wife,"

so I need you to watch him.

You mean [BRITISH ACCENT]
be his nanny for a tick

'cause he's giving you a spot of bother?

Sure.

I really admire how much prep
you're giving this trip, Gurgs.

I'm thinking of making
a big move myself.

I realized, if I'm
gonna be here for Abby,

I really have to be here.

I'm finally gonna become
a full-time New Yorker.

This place has it all.

Everyone's always
yelling, and the yelling,

it's always so angry.

Even when people say, "Nice ass,"

I'm not sure they mean it.

Drips from above, smells from below.

I can't wait to live here.

He's got hisself in
a right state, he has.

[BRITISH ACCENT] He's got
himself in a real jar of gherkins.

[NORMAL VOICE] You sound ridiculous.

Oh, Olivia, I'm glad you're still here.

There's something I want to ask you.

There's no time for that.
I have a problem.

Yeah, well, tough turnips

'cause I'm looking out
for number one, and, nope,

I'm already wondering
what your thing is.

My boss, Jeff Dewitt,
told me I'm gonna be fired

unless I join his
prosecution team against you.

And the only thing worse
than working at night court

is getting fired from night court.

I could end up like Kent, Abby.

- Kent.
- Olivia, you will never end up like Kent.

Who's Kent?

Kent is currently living
on an -foot yacht

'cause he won the lottery,
but before that, he was in rough shape.

Point is, I don't know what to do.

- Either I prosecute my friend...
- Aww.

... ly colleague...

or I end up just another jobless
loser addicted to scratch-off tickets,

my fingertips stained with
shame and weird silver dust.

They say it was the dust
that k*lled Kent's wife.

You have to do it.

If you ended up a widower
on an -foot yacht,

I'd never forgive myself.

Thanks for understanding.

What was it that you wanted to ask me?

I was gonna ask if you wanted
to be a character witness for me.

Me? As your character witness?

God, we're gonna destroy you.

I need character witnesses.

People who know the me under the robe.

That sounded bad.

For the record, under the
robe is just more clothes.

It's Louise. She looks so sad.

Aw, I know I'm supposed
to be thinking of myself,

but I really want to go over there.

Stop me, Sandy.

Louise, what are you doing here?

I'm about to meet with the D.A.

I think he wants to
throw the book at me.

I'm sorry to have dragged you into this.

You have nothing to feel bad about.

The whole thing was basically my idea.

Well, I do have one
thing to feel bad about.

- You're wearing a wire?
- Yes, she is.

You're a judge, tell me...
is a taped confession good?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get my clothes
back from a janitor.

So you confessed to a felony on a wire?

Okay, I know it's not ideal,
but look at the bright side.

We get to work in my office again.

As long as we let the other judges

- use it as an executive gym.
- Oh.

Sorry, Your Honor, you're
gonna have to come back later.

There's been an outbreak of pinkeye.

Patient zero right there.

Just once I'd like for you
to be the one with pinkeye.

Alright, tell me you've been
lining up character witnesses.

None so far.

Gurgs is gonna be in London,
and Neil is volunteering

at Gabby's kids's baseball camp,

so he has to go to baseball camp first,

but he's been having a hard time
finding an adult beginner's...

Stop telling me about Neil's life.

But Olivia will be there in
her capacity as prosecutor

'cause I told her she should.

So you've found zero
character witnesses,

but you picked up a betrayal.

Alright, listen, we've
got to stop messing around.

We got to put Louise on the stand,

and let me put her feet to the fire.

We're not doing that.

Besides, it won't work.

She's got peripheral neuropathy
and can't feel very much in her feet.

I understand that you
want to be a good person,

so let me be your bad person.

Jeff Dewitt is not gonna
play nice, and neither can we.

Why can't we play nice?
It's the only sport I'm good at.

Look, there's a man out there
trying to ruin your life.

Would you please start acting like it?

You know what?
If representing me is so hard,

maybe you should just go
to Louisiana right now.

You know what? I would.

But I refuse to pay the change fee.

And don't you dare offer me your miles.

Have you and Dan talked about, you know,

- maybe taking a plea deal?
- If I did that,

I could be suspended from
the bench for at least a year.

That wouldn't be so bad, right?

You could come back
upstate, take some time off.

Pig races are coming up.

I think Dale Oinkhardt
might go all the way.

But you don't want that, do you?

I don't.

I love this job. I love it here.

- I'm not sure I do.
- Yeah.

I guess the signs have been there.

Like when you yelled, "You're a liar,"

at that Times Square Ninja Turtle.

Michelangelo's a party dude.

- He doesn't eat salad.
- I know.

Now everyone within a block
of the M&M store knows, too.

New York scares the hell out of me,
but somehow you're at home here.

Guess we've been growing in
different directions for a while now.

Yeah, I guess we have.

So what do we do now?

- I don't want to say it out loud.
- Me neither.

- Maybe say it at the same time?
- Okay.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

- Break up.
- Time machine.

I knew it was break up,
but I didn't want to say it.

You're gonna make a great Good Wife

to someone one day, Rand.

Here.

I guess you should have that back.

I want you to keep it.

Aww.

Actually, I should take it back.

My grandma was pretty pissed
when I took it in the first place.

You're looking pretty
nervous, Fieldling.

Fielding. Said your
name wrong on purpose.

Ya burnt.

Sorry about the divorce.

I heard you're sleeping in your car.

Well, you heard wrong.

It's my mother's car.

Hello, Dan. You're looking well.

Probably 'cause I slept
in a bed last night.

Okay, look, I know that we
do not agree on strategy,

but the one thing we do agree on

is that you should not
be penalized for this.

Well, I don't know. I think there
should be some repercussions.

Can you ever turn it off?

You're right. We're in this together.

And it's not just the two of
us. I found a character witness.

So, Rand?

No, I actually broke up with Rand.

Of course you did.

He was just about to become useful.

I'm doing fine, thank you for asking.

No, it's another witness and
someone who's at night court

almost as much as I am.

Don't worry, Tabby. I got this.

In summation, I can't be
with a man who thinks a squid

would b*at a horse in a fight.

Defense rests.

Thank you. No further questions.

The prosecution is okay.

Does the defense have
any more witnesses?

Let me call Louise back to the stand.

Come on, Abby.

I'm a shark and she's chum.

Not your kind of chum. Not like friend.

I'm talking about a
bucket of meat chunks

that this great white
is gonna go to town on.

I mean, I don't see any other way.

Did somebody say "witnesses"?

- Not for a while, but sure.
- Yes!

My sports team just
did a thing that I like.

What are you guys doing here?

I know you didn't ask
us to come, but Rand did.

We weren't gonna let you
go through this alone.

You know it's been my dream to assemble

a ragtag crew of
misfits to save the day.

I'm calling us the Little Rand-scals.

No one likes it.

So I'm gonna be a little
late to my program in London,

and we all know Neil's
never gonna coach baseball.

-year-olds didn't
like me when I was ,

and they don't like me now.

You helped all these
people, now let us help you.

Not bad, right?

- Dad?
- What?

What?

So you're saying that Judge Stone

was the first person to
acknowledge your condition?

And for the record,
what is that condition?

I'm a female werewolf.

Otherwise known as a wiff-wolf.

Judge Stone met me with such kindness.

She even bought my e-book
on wiff-wolf inequality...

"Same Bites Less Rights."

Abby's such a sweet kid.

She had a pretty big
crush on me for a while.

Permission to treat this
witness as delusional?

And when I got hit by lightning

this most recent time,
my first call was to Abby.

The odd thing was I didn't have
a cellphone on me at the time.

Oh, excuse me. I need to take this.

Yes, I have time for a short survey.

Judge Stone didn't just listen
to me, she truly heard me.

[WHISPERS] Who's this guy again?

Abby's the best person I know.

She's been through a lot, and
she always puts people first.

This from a man she just dumped.

It was mutual!

I've always loved my job,
but ever since Judge Stone

joined our court, it
feels more like family.

The good, Partridge kind,
not the bad, Manson-y kind.

Well, thank you, Ms. Gurganous.

Your witness.

Alright, you know her weaknesses.

- Get up there and destroy her.
- What?

Jeff, I don't want to do that.

And I don't want to shave in an Arby's.

But if you want to keep your
job, you will go up there

and win this case for me.

Ms. Gurganous, I, um...

completely agree with you.

Abby showed me that my whole life

doesn't have to be about my career.

She's ruined me, like that
town ruined the Grinch.

She's not just my friendly colleague.

She's my friend.

Which is why, even though
it might cost me my job,

I recuse myself!

Hmm.

Thought there'd be a surprised gasp.

Well, you did sort of telegraph
where you were going with that.

Oh, and, Jeff, I had your
home/mom's car towed, so ya burnt.

Olivia, I can't believe
you did that for me.

Well, to be clear,
I'd still sell you out

in a second for a private-sector job,

so you don't have to, like, do that.

This sick, demented monster

confessed to ripping an
old man out of his bed.

We have got to take this
thr*at off the streets

and out of the courtroom.

Ow.

And that is how you do it.

Okay, uh, you will not
agree with everything

I am going to say up there,

but just know that I'm doing
what is best for my client.

I trust you.

It's why I brought you back here.

You're the best lawyer I know,
the best lawyer my dad knew.

Oh, man.

You know what, guys?

I was gonna get up here,

and I was gonna try and
make someone else look bad

in order to make my client look good.

But after hearing all this testimony,

I don't have to do
anything to show you that

Abby Stone is a good person.

Six months ago, she showed up
at my doorstep, and I figured

I was pretty much done
with people, but she saw...

she saw something else.
She saw a man who was stuck

and not even knowing but
yearning for a change.

And I thought I was fine, even with
all the neighborhood teenage kids

calling me Sweatpants Santa.

That's what she does.

She sees things in people that
they don't see in themselves.

You know, that's all I want you to do.

I want you to see what
she sees every night

sitting on the bench.

Look beyond the... crime

to see the remarkable,

selfless person that
she is just underneath.

He's right.

Judge Stone is a good person.

That man blackmailed me.

- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, now you gasp?

He threatened to have my residence

take the television out of my room.

I will not go back to reading.

Not for him, not for anyone.

Order!

Given the prosecutorial misconduct

I'm just learning about,

I dismiss this case with prejudice.

- We did it.
- Aw, you know what, though?

I can't believe you wanted me to att*ck

that sweet woman's character.

Mm, looks like somebody
got their office back.

Oh, you might want to
spray it down, though,

'cause I heard somebody
had, uh, pinkeye.

What's the matter?
You should be celebrating. You won.

No, I'm so happy about that,
of course. I just, um...

- Never mind.
- I get it.

Us Brits keep our
feelings bottled up, too.

But I hear it's not healthy.

So you want to talk about it?

There's nothing to talk about.

Okay. You sat down with me.

I mean, this should...
may be the highlight of my career.

I mean, I got a woman who
confessed to a crime exonerated.

I bested a man who
fancies himself my nemesis.

And I'm about to head
back to a judgeship

in my home state of Louisiana.

I should be thrilled.

But I'm not.

I've been working on this card for Dan,

trying to thank him
for always being there,

and this is all I have so far.

_

I'm just worried this message
comes off a little bit...

Selfish?

I'm not being selfish.

This is what I've always wanted.
I'm not abandoning her.

I mean, she knew I wasn't
gonna stay around here forever.

Just really liked having him around.

Can I really ask him to stay?

I guess I just didn't think
it would be this difficult to leave.

- Then why are you?
- No one's asked me to stay.

- So am I supposed to...
- Oh, in what world?

- Good to see you up there again.
- Feels good.

- So are you, um...
- Yep.

Plane leaves in about three hours.

Just wanted to come back
in here and shake my fist

at these walls one more time.

- You know, I said...
- Listen, I just wanted to say -

- Sorry. Go ahead.
- No. No, no.

Please. You go.

You know, I've recently been
wondering why I immediately felt

so at home here, and
it's because of you.

I feel like I'd regret it
if I didn't say thank you.

And I got you something.

Oh, Abby.

Thank you.

For everything.

But, come on, no card?

I'll be seeing you.

Uh, Dan, wait. There's one more thing.

They really call you Sweatpants Santa?

Yeah.

Also, Hobo Moses.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court
Part Two is now in session.

The honorable and exonerated
Judge Abby Stone presiding.

And I also kept my job.

Welcome home, Your Honor.

I got new folders for
your first night back.

No bloodstains.

Thank you, Neil.

Well, it's time for the big show.

I hope you all like guys
who bathe in hot-dog water

because tonight we got two.

Is it weird that I miss Dan?

Having to stare over
there at his empty seat.

No offense, sir.

I miss him, too.

I just hope he's making
friends down there.

Another fight at a bachelorette party

in the French Quarter.

Okay, bailiff, bring
in this bride-to-be.

Roz?

Fielding?

They made you a judge?

- Take me back to jail.
- Well, I...

She loves me.