03x04 - Stag

[bunniefuu]

[ELK GRUMBLES]

VELEMENTOV: Just remember
the wine bladder is Paul.

- PETER: Mm-hmm.
- Head sh*t is the go.

[ELK SNORTS]

[ELK BELLOWS]

It f*cking moved.

Yes, they do that.

Need some more practice.

Don't worry, Paul.
This is why we practice.

[STATELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

So, they're having to
source a lot of monkeys.

History will judge me harshly

for the "monkey in every village" idea.

Rightfully.

You did what you had to do. Huzzah!

Peter must be happy.

He came up with the idea when he was .

Of course, he did.

[SIGHS] They k*lled Simitz.

Of course, they did. They had to.

Why is the day already unbearable?

It is not!

It is ripe with possibility and joy.

Leave that behind and
focus on Paul's ordination

and the Stag Ritual.

What is this stag thing?

Peter the Great invented it

as a celebration of Peter's ordination.

It's a fun way to celebrate.

Peter loved the idea of
continuing the tradition.

Ah! Actually, I have a
surprise in this regard. Wait.

f*ck.

Paul's ordination.

If we could go over the words,

some of which are the
traditional blessing,

and then I follow on with
some inspired freeform...

Bad news?

Can I help?

No. Um...

What were you saying?

ARCHIE: Uh, Paul's ordination.

Paul's ordination!

What a day it will be!

Taste this.

Ooh! Delicious! What is it?

When Paul was born,
your placenta was taken

and placed in a barrel
of the finest vodka,

to be toasted on Paul's special
day at the end of the Stag Ritual.

I just drank my placenta?

You did.

Sweet and strong, like you.

It's a little yeasty, though.

If we could look at the wording.

We're hoping for a shaft of sunlight

to hit his forehead as I say,
"You are anointed by God to lead."

I do it in a baritone for effect.

I will cry, I know it.

Right. I need to go to the Nakaz salon.

♪

I thought that the Nakaz
would taste of the future,

but it is f*cking merde in my mouth.

How dare you, Voltaire?

Our Empress is the bravest and
brightest and she will prevail.

Oh, I... I didn't see you come in.

Awkwardly singing your praises.

We started with m*rder,
we've ended up with monkey.

The people love the monkeys.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE, BOOING]

Let us focus on what's
next for the Nakaz.

Education for all.

The peasants were reluctant to vote,

as the Church said they should not.

And having talked to them,

they would also prefer to be
whipped than made to read books.

The Church clings to
them like a succubus.

I'm right here, Frenchie.

Perhaps we could have
a reasonable discussion

about the role of the
Church in our lives, Archie.

Open hearts.

Wife! Ah! Amazing news.

In the middle of something.

Something not as important
as Paul's first word.

- [COURTIERS APPLAUD]
- What?

We were sitting on the floor playing
and suddenly he looked up at me

with this delighted look and said...

What was it?

p*ssy!

[APPLAUSE] [PETER LAUGHS]

- What?
- p*ssy.

I suspect his next word will be "eat."

Say "eat," Paul. Hmm? Who would
like to hear Paul's next word?

No, stop!

What? Yeah, say it to Mummy, Paul.

Paul, no!

PETER: Hmm?

- Leave him.
- Take him!

Uh, very confused right
now. How is this a bad thing?

I do not want his first
word to be "p*ssy"!

Why not? He has focused on
what will be a joy in his life.

I want him to be a
thoughtful and kind child,

led by brain and love, not by... p*ssy!

Well, I for one accept him as he is.

Of course, you do! He's like you!

Huzzah!

And you f*cking love
me, I will remind you.

[GROANS] Not today!

- Ooh!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

You are out of control! And
also very f*cking annoying.

He is a child uttering a word,
he doesn't know what it means!

But I do know what it means.

It means his next word will be "m*rder,"

and then "c**t" and then "Kn*fe fight"

and then "bacon-wrapped fig" and
then "cut some f*cking throats!"

It means he's like you!

And you want him to be ordained
by God to lead this country?

[SCOFFS] No, not f*cking happening!

- [WHISPERING] Don't you f*cking dare.
- The ordination is cancelled.

- What?
- And so is the f*cking stag ludicrousness!

- f*ck.
- There are lines that cannot be crossed.

My son's destiny is one of them.

Do not even thr*aten it.

I do not thr*aten it!

I promise it!

For I will not risk
he grows up to be you

and I gave him the chance and the right

to manhandle this country's people.

Shut the f*ck up, or
I am cutting throats!

CATHERINE: Oh, point made.

Got a problem, grab
a Kn*fe! Cut a throat.

Come and get it.

Cut my dumb, dumb heart
out for loving you.

I came here with happy news

and you have been a terrible
wife and a f*cking bad mother.

[Kn*fe CLATTERS]

[SCOFFS]

[PAUL BABBLES]

[SCREAMING]

She can't mean it.

Of course not. Of course not.

That was very...

Gosh.

Paul has to be legitimized
in the eyes of God.

Even she must recognize the
danger of leaving that door open.

They just had a fight that was
a bit rattling to soul and mind.

That's all.

If you're not worried,
then why are you shaking?

Oh, God, I am a bit.

How odd.

[BIRD-LIKE SCREECHING]

Good Lord.

Brings my center together.

[SIGHS]

All right, I'm fine.

We have to nip this in the bud.

Indeed.

Grigor! You're not gonna bel...

Well, isn't this adorable.

- [GROANS] Was.
- What's up?

A little w*r broke out
between Catherine and Peter,

and f*ck me, I thought there was
going to be bloodshed for a second.

- What?!
- sh*t! Is he all right?

He looked as angry as when
they took his pet tiger

off him when he was nine.

Oh, God. Towel!

Thinking about your former friend?

I can't believe he likes f*cking that.

He loves f*cking that.

And he loves me.

Love is blind, and I guess,
in your case, it needs to be.

You broke his heart a thousand times.

I guess he gets to do it to you once.

[WATER RIPPLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I do not want to see anyone.

My role is pastoral care as
well as political avarice.

Are you all right?

Not really, no.

I once told fat Mother that
I would never visit her again

if I saw her eating another cream cake,

and as I did I angrily pushed
one into her enormous mouth.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Things get said. They're just words.

They blow away on the wind, but
the love is left in the body.

Two days later, we sat at afternoon tea

and I let her eat herself to vomiting.

Archie. Go away.

The ordination is about Paul, not Peter.

Ah. So it is not pastoral care
after all that brings you here?

I am a gifted priest so I
can do two things at once.

Moving on to political avarice.

Without the ordination, the Russian
throne stops being hereditary,

a tradition that, if we're to be
f*cking honest, has kept you in power.

I'm not hereditary.

You are seen as such.

Had you not had the marriage
that made you family,

you would not still be on the throne.

Bear sh*t!

The family ordained by God, or
any c**t can decide to take it.

You risk the legitimacy of your rule.

Am I risking the legitimacy of my
throne or the power of your God?

Both.

High stakes, isn't it?

[EXHALES]

f*ck me, that was something!

I was at the front in our w*r
and it was less f*cking intense.

Sauternes and duck liver parfait?

I'm too f*cking angry to...

Oh, it looks good.

Soothes the soul.

What the f*ck is she doing?

Trying to take the
throne off your own son?

I mean f*cking oj, as we say in Sweden.

GRIGOR: Are you okay?

I don't want to speak ill of her.
She's a monster who hates your son.

I brought a carrot cake.

For an emperor? f*cking
carrot cake? Do you hate him?

That will not f*cking do.

I was rushing.

I just heard. It's
the talk of the halls.

Passion! I mean, I still remember that

when we were first
married. It's beautiful.

- It's not passion.
- It's an att*ck is what it is.

She cannot do this to you.

I need to do something.
Let us run at bags.

[SIGHS]

[ROARING]

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

I will not f*cking talk to
her until she apologizes.

Will you f*ck her? Because
f*cking often leads to talking.

- Do not f*ck her.
- For once we are in agreement.

Of course, I will f*ck
her, I'm not a monster.

But there will be no talking.

Out, gentlemen!

- PETER: They're giving me solace.
- And some amazing sauternes.

Are you all still here? It seems
an eternity since I said "out!"

Are you all right?

Not really. It was a bruising encounter.

I don't understand this rage.

Thank you, Aunt.

Never pick up a Kn*fe like that
again in front of the court.

I wanted to chin her. I was...

Angry?

Hurt.

She does not want my son to be
like me, and yet she loves me.

That is a f*cking
head-splitting conundrum.

Well, let me simplify.

This has nothing to do with love.

Your feelings don't matter.

Your love does not matter.

Only your family and your job matters

and you will do what you need to do.

You're being very aggressive.

You have one job as
a son to your father,

and that is to preserve the line.

Right. Well, she
couldn't have meant that.

I remember playing
badminton in this room,

naked, using passion
fruit as shuttlecocks.

Your father sent a forehand
smashing into me and I loved that,

the sting of it as the fruit
broke all over my nakedness.

And he roared with laughter, as
only he could, dropped to the floor.

And I ran to him...

and he looked at me with those eyes

that held you and broke
you at the same time

and he said, "Keep my line, my love."

Then he d*ed.

Right.

I'm not going to say anything
more, as what else do we need?

Understood. Understood.

Ah, I hoped you'd be here

having heated, sensual lovemaking,

slick with sweat and bruising.

Let me smell you.

f*ck off.

Did you see the fight?

Yes, and I feel like it offers
an ajar door for you and her.

Ah! And I suspect, from your
sudden giving a toss, for you.

Why shouldn't we all win?
That's what God wants.

[SCOFFS] Funny.

This baby needs to be
ordained by the Church.

A soft ear for her

and a whisper of, "let's not take
that off Paul just to spite Peter."

Also, "let's not take
away the Church's right

to deify leaders and
undermine its power."

I knew you'd understand.

You're actually simmering. I can see.

Mm, broiling with a mélange of emotion.

Go on. Get in there, get a nostril full.

[SNIFFS DEEPLY]

Vanilla.

How strange.

I was hoping for musky.

♪

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You have a fight with your idiot
husband, you come running to me?

I was actually just walking past.

Liar.

Oh, f*ck's sake.

I am the ruler of this great
country because it was my destiny.

Also because I suggested it.

Possibly mainly because I suggested it.

I took it because I have
the ideas and heart to do it,

not because a man in a
big hat representing a God

who may or may not exist

in league with one noble family
decides that the fate of millions

is on a baby who could
become a f*cking monster.

Albeit we are talking about
my son, who I love, obviously.

Yes. Yes. Agreed.

We are at a leader's whim,
and if the whim is that

of a blind giant
dancing, we're all doomed.

Thankfully we are all at my whim.

Clearly my next point.

It is a relief to have
you beside me again.

Against your husband, we
will always be in agreement.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

I understand you hate him.

You just do not have
to throw it in my face.

Or you, your love for him in my face.

That could be a rule.

Because I hate it.

This love.

Today I do too.

But...

it is there, even in the rage.

- You're about to talk about it again.
- CATHERINE: Strong...

Let us fence it off.

And then my love for
you can live next door.

I've missed you.

Hated you.

And missed you.

Empress! Hello.

Welcome.

Darling, you never said she was coming.

Maxim.

Why are you using those glasses?
I'll get the crystal. And snacks?

Such a catch.

There you are.

I was worried.

I went to your apartment.
Are you all right?

I am. I went to Marial's.

Lovely.

When love is at the root,
it always grows back.

I suppose. I am very angry.

Things are said in anger we don't mean.

I meant every word. Anger aside.

Here is a book on the science
of marriage, by the Choglokovs.

It's very modern, you'll love it.

Your love is fierce,
too fierce at times.

This will help.

A royal marriage is a job.

Do the work, or broken
hearts, shattered lives,

and blood all over the floor.

I am writing notes to myself.

"My wife does not like interruptions
during intellectual salons."

Hmm. Funny.

"What the f*ck" is
my prevailing reaction

to what the f*ck happened in there.

It did escalate.

It was like I was falling off a
cliff and the momentum kept building.

Hmm. I believe it happens,
sudden outbreaks in marriage.

Father would often throw urns at Mother,

and Mother would often fill his mouth

with crushed glass while he slept.

My mother would suddenly break
loose, similarly to me then.

A boiling hot wave that swept the room

and took my father's legs out,

and then she held him
under the metaphorical water

as he gasped out lame excuses.

Huh. So it is normal.

A kind of momentary marital madness
where things not meant are thrown.

Some of it I meant.

From my sister Angela.

"Where is Mother?

"She does not answer my letters.

Please respond. I am concerned."

Ah. Right.

That's annoying. Thought
that one was buried.

Perhaps today was an
accumulation of our past.

It seems every week something
else adds to the weight of it.

Let us forget it. Hmm?

We said things we didn't mean,
or did, but so what? Just words.

I suggest we remove our
clothes and stop talking.

I meant what I said
about the ordination.

Know that.

What are you doing? Hm?

I have no choice.

You will break us.

Elizabeth gave me a book.

We could try it.

The science of marriage, apparently.

Hmm.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

How is it?

How do you think it is, Agnes?

It's like a rat threw
up blood in a glass.

I miss aquavit.

Don't wait up for me.

I'm going to your apartment.

Meet me there tonight.

I, um...

yes.

But we need fire and
action, not just words.

Oh, blinis!

Here.

What's that?

Oh, I just thought you'd
need to wash the taste

of all the lies out of your mouth.

You should join us.

That wit is wasted on
just being a bitter bitch.

Disagree. Hm.

VOLTAIRE: Hmm.

I just think our job for the Empress

is to challenge her on every level,

for the country, for isn't that...

I'm torn.

How so?

I want to keep listening,

but I want to listen
whilst you suck my cock.

Yet that would make it
hard for you to talk.

It's... a conundrum.

Blini?

[GASPS] Ooh!

[SIGHS] You have trampled a
very romantic moment, Georgina.

She really hasn't.

I imagine sometimes
if you were castrated

and could focus only on ideas,

how great you would be, Voltaire.

And sad, no? Voltaire without a cock.

[SCOFFS] No. [TSKS] No, no, no.

Well, let's leave Voltaire to
suck his own cock and ponder that,

and we shall go and
speak words unencumbered.

Love to.

This exercise is called...

BOTH: Tug of w*r.

TATYANA: The papers attached to the rope

have your issues written upon them.

You each argue a point,

the other attempts to see your side

and takes a step
toward you when they do.

You hopefully both see enough

that you slowly reach the line together.

Go!

Ah! Catherine's reign.

[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]

You do not share my desire
to transform this country.

Because it's bad.

Brilliant, but f*cking mad!

And you don't listen to my advice.

I would like you to read
all the works of Diderot,

as you cannot truly know me

and know what it is I
seek here without it.

How many are there?

Forty-seven, not including
annotated pamphlets.

Forty-seven? Are you
f*cking mad? Is she mad?

You can't read a book?! You do
nothing but eat and hunt all day.

Set yourself free in the forest
and I will hunt and eat you all day.

- Off topic!
- Was it?

- Arkady!
- Marriage science is strangely fun.

You're losing.

No, you're losing!

[SHRIEKS, LAUGHS]

[COUPLE LAUGHING]

I don't think that's the, uh...

Well, that's just f*cking bragging.

ARKADY: The couple must stay balanced,

keep connected at all times,
as we throw balls at you.

I have you always.

I know you do.

Ow!

Sorry.

We can take anything. Look
at me and tell me we can't.

I do believe it now.

If we are just in the now.

But the past and the world outside...

Ow! f*ck!

Sorry, it says "increase
force as it goes."

Where?

Somewhere.

It was just an argument, out of hand.

We can pretend it never happened.

Is that the secret to an
unhappy marriage, amnesia?

f*ck!

The next ball that gets thrown
comes out of Arkady's ball bag!

[PETER SPLUTTERS, SIGHS]

In arguments, it is best to
use "You always" statements.

Example: "You always do this
and I hate it about you."

You always go to work
and I hate it about you.

- Excellent.
- Thanks.

I'm saving Russia.

No, you have to say,
"I accept what you say."

"I am awful, have me anyway."

I'm not saying that.

I am to hit you in the back of the head

using a protruding knuckle if you don't.

And then I have to f*ck
Peter while you watch.

- It doesn't say that.
- It says "some improvisation allowed."

Fine. I accept I am awful,

and I do put work,

and the saving of Russia from
all you did to it, before you.

Accept me anyway.

I do.

You always k*ll whenever you want,
hunt, eat and f*ck when you want,

and do whatever you want,
and I hate that about you.

Hm. I accept I am amazing

at arranging my life in
an exceptional and fun way.

- Accept me anyway.
- [CHUCKLES] Funny.

We are now, terrifyingly enough,
apparently to make an observation.

You two?

You are a f*cking big-cocked hedonist,

and you are a stuck-up
bitch married to her work.

It's doomed.

PETER: Wrong. No.

Arkady, what do you think?

I think you are both exceptional
people. And that makes it hard.

You live life at its edges, and
the edge of anything is sharp,

so you wound each other
merely because you are you.

So you need to find a way to
accept that there will be wounds,

or that at points you will need
to step back from yourselves

for the sake of the other.

f*cking hell, Arkady.

Indeed.

I do notice things, you know.

He does.

He has excellent f*cking eyes.

[CART RATTLING]

Peter, I have brought you a pheasant.

Pheasant as a present.

And bottles of rosé and oysters,

and I had the chef make
madeleines stuffed with cantaloupe.

And I was going to suggest
badminton, but you are... something.

Finished with this. I have work.

Oh, stay and play.

You are always improving
Russia. Let us have fun.

Fun?

It's actually chapter six.

Hmm?

- [BALALAIKA PLAYING]
- [SIGHS]

Let's try it.

- Oh!
- Ah...

We need four then. Shall I get George?

- Or six of us is good.
- Hugo?

I think he d*ed.

I heard that too. Well, we can stay.

Me and Tatyana?

No, Grigor. Get Marial.

Thank you, you two. You can go.

A four.

Unbelievable.

- Marial?
- Marial.

"Get Marial," she said.
f*cking couldn't believe it.

- Once you love me...
- I, of course, agree.

[TSKS] You're so happy.

The four of us together,
friends, f*cking amazing.

And Hugo can f*ck off.

Glad it's about me.

I'm happy for you. Don't f*ck this up.

I won't f*ck it up.

You hate him. Just hide it. All of it.

I am a very good actress.

Yesterday, that orgasm...

It was real!

Was it?

Ah! That was good.

I almost believed you.

You'll end up loving him.

We all do.

You all do.

That's almost a good point.

- Hello!
- Hello.

One rule. You can't speak ill of him.

But I can think it.

If you must, but we are in
agreement on the speaking part.

Understood.

I have half-filled your
glass. We cannot have slosh.

But we can be sloshed?

By the end of the game, it is essential.

What are the sides?

I'll play with you.

[PANTING]

Agnes.

I was hoping you weren't undressed

so I could tear every
stitch from your body.

First this.

We're going to play a w*r game.

- What?
- I'm Sweden. You're Russia.

This is where the battle was
when the ceasefire deal was done.

You think you would've won.

I know I would've.

Well, I know what our plan was.

Let's find out.

I may be in love.

Be offensive if you weren't.

Let's begin.

Keep your eye on the cock.

I cannot keep my eyes off it.

Are you flirting with your own husband?

[GIGGLING]

I'm using his self-love against him.

- One-nil.
- Brilliant!

♪

[PETER CLEARS THROAT]

f*ck!

Aaah! I'm very competitive.

- And very sh*t so far.
- Hey.

Back off my partner and serve the cock.

Okay?

Yep. Yep.

Whoa!

[LAUGHS] Two-one.

Marial, stand further up court.

I know where to stand.

Oh, f*ck!

- Three-one.
- Eyes on the cock.

A yard up court.

I know how to play.

Ah, with all the
missing, it was confusing.

Ah! Then we counterattacked

on your flank with a division...

But I'd turned you, so
it's not my flank anymore.

You're looking into the
teeth of thousands of men.

Bristling, g*ns ready, cocks hard.

f*ck.

Then we retreat and...

I'm on the ridge above the
valley you retreat into...

[IMITATES EXPLOSIONS]

Ha! And that's it!

You know where I march next, don't you?

Stockholm.

I win!

I knew I f*cking would.

Well, maybe you would've.
Guess you'll never know, really.

[SIGHS]

And now I'm in Stockholm,

are you the spoils of w*r?

Come here.

Get on all fours.

Smell me, and wail like a buffalo.

[SNIFFING]

[WAILS]

As much as I want to, I can
never f*ck you. I'm married.

No. But...

But know that I am slick with want.

It is a sweet t*rture we must endure.

No. I'm...

I'm dying...

This is something I
desperately want before I die.

And so is Sweden.

Oh.

Yes.

It's horrible to die with
many things unfucked and unwon.

My heart breaks for you.

- [BITES]
- Ow!

f*ck!

So, I'm to sit and rely on
Peter to solve this for us?

Peter? I'll just say
it again for impact.

Peter?

He has his gifts, and
making her love him is one.

And if... and if I may
say the obvious out loud...

when he fails, what then?

Archie, you and I united
against anyone, who wins?

True.

Understand, though, this is...

how shall I put this...

a big f*cking deal.

I have tried to stay aligned with her

and she does nothing
to stay aligned with me.

At some point, you will
hear a tearing noise

and it will be me coming
loose and letting loose.

You're very worked up.

Should I teach you the bird noises?

I came to take you...

but obviously not a good time.

I envy your life sometimes.

Really? I never envy you.

Although sometimes I love your hats.

[SOFTLY] You could ask
Vinodel to come back.

I love to watch.

Still watching?

When are you going to give in, Archie?

That's a tearing noise I'd like to hear.

Mm.

Mm! This f*cking pheasant!

It's how I sh**t them.

With a g*n?

[PETER LAUGHS, OTHERS JOIN IN]

Mm. It is amazing.

We all sit at a table gorging
on pheasant and forgiveness.

Even Marial and her myriad
of betrayals are in the fire.

- My f*cking betrayal?
- To Marial! Hmm?

All love is complicated.

And sometimes love is
unintelligible to outsiders.

A monster to one... I tend
to sh**t them in the neck.

- What?
- Pheasants.

So the sh*t does not get in the breast,

and when pan-fried, the
pheasant retains a silky texture.

- Amazing.
- Hmm. Silky. Well done, darling.

Are you being sweet to another human?

It is sporadic.

It is a sight to see, you in love.

And you in love is also a sight to see.

- Careful.
- To Grigor and Marial!

To Catherine and...
the future of Russia.

- And to Peter and Catherine! Huzzah.
- Well, yeah...

- PETER: Huzzah.
- CATHERINE: Huzzah.

Catherine got a letter
from her sister today.

A strange and possibly
incendiary subject

to lob into our dinner, husband.

Gosh. What did she say? "Where's Mum?"

Marial, put a whole lot of pork
in your mouth and chew... slowly.

I've been thinking on how we respond.

- I've written a letter, all in my head, but...
- You what?

"Dear sister-in-law, you don't know me,

but I am the former head of Russia,

married and sick with love
for the new head of Russia,

your sister Catherine.

In regards to your mother's whereabouts

and state of health, we'll get to it."

I like the start.

Are you really doing this?

I am. You will not be alone
in this. I start strong.

"Love!

It is a prick. Take it from a prick

who has been led too often by his prick.

Your mother's love, for instance.

She came and saw her daughter
had blossomed into a leader

of such light and power
and could not abide it

so wished to suffocate her
for it, and our love with it.

And for two and a half
minutes, including all foreplay,

I aided her in it.

Your mother is dead.

I do not regret her death, but
the circumstances of it, yes.

If I had my time again,
I would not f*ck her,

merely pick her up and toss
her out the f*cking window."

- Right.
- Indeed.

"For she came to destroy us and we
are a love that cannot be destroyed.

Rest assured, your sister
did avenge your mother

and stabbed me five times.

Each s*ab in my body was deserved,

and as I watched the blade
go into me over and over,

the fact she could live without
me brought a chilling blackness,

the look of pain in her eye
as she did it almost worse,

the terror I would leave her
and Paul forever, worse still.

Somehow I lived.

As I said, our love
is fierce, it is a sun.

It burns within us
and sometimes it feels

it will consume us, but it never does.

All the best, your
brother-in-law, Peter."

"P.S., Please come visit.

Spring is the nicest time."

Thoughts?

You are a wonder to me.

[GASPS] And you me.

And also to me.

Are you f*cking... Ugh!

Tasting this pork thing is amazing.

Mm.

Two great discoveries
I made in France...

the Enlightenment and French s.

I also discovered cunnilingus there.

Giving it or getting it?

- Both.
- What a country.

Très bien.

Thanks for helping me.

To women and ideas.

These f*cking weak, mealy-mouthed,
all-talk intellectuals.

I hoped for fire in there.

You're really on her side?

No one knows. You're mysterious.

I am not at all.

France changed me. Forever.

My concern is it is all talk
from Voltaire and the others.

The Empress needs us
to be wild, as you said,

with our ideas, our push,
our actions if need be.

I so agree.

Wow, this is strong.

As are we.

I need a friend who
believes in what I do.

If the drinks are always
this good, you have one.

What a f*cking night.

Felt so right, all of us together.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

What? You liked him.

He is a f*cking monster and
someone needs to k*ll him

so you idiots are free from his spell.

Wow, I really thought you
were having a good time.

Misread.

Like the orgasm thing.

I'm relatively sure we
just made a new baby.

Perhaps.

Ah, Paul!

You said to bring him
if he said anything new.

Ooh! What is it?

I'm scared to ask.

I don't want to ruin the surprise.

- What a cutie.
- Paul.

What did you say, Paul? Hmm?

I'm really hoping for
the word "enlightenment"

to balance your mother and I.

- [CATHERINE LAUGHS]
- Hmm?

[PAUL BABBLING]

I don't want to ruin the moment,
but you can't take this off him.

Just think about it.

All right. I will.

PAUL: Book.

Did he just say "book"?

- I think he did. Perfect.
- [GASPS]

Hey, practice!

Let's practice the Stag Ritual.

It's the middle of
the night, Velementov.

We're a long time dead,
and you must get it right.

Or Paul's head...

[IMITATES expl*si*n]

Look at him.

Peter the Great.

Velementov, are you all right?

He's always there. I miss you.

Go home, Velementov.

We should honor this man.

Little Paul. Look at him.

Ruling family cuddling up.

What... what a day it will be. [COUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]
I am glad I lived to see it.

[CLEARS THROAT] Anyway...

let's practice!

I'll take him home.

To see... to see him ordained,

and knowing how your father
wept the day you were.

- He did?
- Like a baby.

Made me... he made me slap him
several times to try to stop him.

- Oh.
- Just...

[BALALAIKA PLAYING SOFTLY]

So, you remade the friendship.

How do you know?

The court is all a-flurry.
I felt proud of you.

And Peter and you, how did that go?

I prefer Pugachev's version.

What?

He's living downstairs.

I sometimes go back to my old life.

He is f*cking funny, that guy,
and he does Peter pitch-perfect.

Evil and charm fused.

Really? Interesting.

And you mentioned the
ordination tonight?

No.

But she's going to give in.

I can see her wavering
and he'll keep pushing.

He knows just where to
punch her in the heart.

He was born to have what he wants.

Great news. Join Maxim and I in a port.

The drink and the game.

No, I'm exhausted.

Good night.

Women. So delicate.

So many late-night visitors.

- Don't give in.
- I'm not.

Your voice is faltering
even as you say it.

You cannot leave Russia
in the hands of...

- He's half of me.
- His first word was "p*ssy."

A salient point. His
second, "book," though.

He works you and you don't even see it.

Don't.

We had rules, Marial.

I love you too much for rules.

Don't give in.

Well, this is a sight for tired eyes.

Success, I take it?

Guaranteed.

As in, not yet?

As in, not yet, and yet it will be.

As in, "No, I haven't done my job"?

Don't scratch at me.

I have mended our hearts

and will soon give the
gentlest push and she will fall.

When? There is no time.

I will know the moment, as is my way.

The whole family line rests
on my impeccable instincts.

You can be confident
I will bring it home.

Indeed.

I'll rest easy, then.

- Morning!
- Morning.

I hear you found peace
with your husband.

Such passion you two have.

We do.

I look at Paul and I think,

how can he not be
anything but extraordinary?

Obvious and clumsy from you.

It is important.

My mind shakes a little at
the mistake you could make.

Also slightly thr*aten-y.

I'll stop, you start.

I cannot espouse the
ideals of meritocracy

and then let the Church say, "A
man in a cloud has chosen my son

to rule all your lives, whether
he is built for the job or not."

I enjoyed the speech,
but that's not why.

It is why. Also, what
if I had a daughter?

I don't think that's happening when
you have a c**t full of lemon top.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you... What
the f*ck are you doing?!

I can smell it. Lemon top!

Get away from me!

I will get it out, or
you will admit it's in.

Yes! All right.

God.

I am too busy to have
another baby. That is all.

Ah, the truth.

Let's have more of that, shall we?

Let me go.

It's f*cking madness ordaining
Paul, you should see that.

It makes him an option for others.

Get rid of me, choose him.

Yes.

So you know that!

Yes, of course.

And you would still have me do it!

You've always been under
thr*at, always will be.

People are plotting to k*ll
you somewhere right now.

- Perhaps even in here?
- Funny.

Was it?

It strengthens you as
much as it weakens you.

And it preserves the family
line of Peter the Great.

Your great love.

And you.

But mainly him.

For you.

It can work for all of us.

I always think you are for me,
but really it is all for him.

I think I've done enough
to prove my love for you.

I am asking you rather
desperately to do something for me.

My instinct is no.

It screams in me.

No.

As you wish.

Are we sure the barrel
of this g*n is straight?

Yes, we're sure.

- [PAUL WHIMPERS]
- I think Paul said "dead."

"Bed." He said "bed."

Maybe we need an old, slow stag.

They are. Should I
find a three-legged one?

f*ck off, fatboy.

Why don't you sh**t me?
I'm probably more your range.

Let's just do it again.

- [g*n FIRES]
- [ELK GRUNTS]

PETER: Huzzah!

Ah, Paul!

Huzzah, Paul! Oh!

Chosen by God... [LAUGHS]

... and loved by Daddy.

Yeah.

[GASPS] Hi. Mum.

Did you see that?

I saw you.

I've thought on it.

I will allow the Stag Ritual.

Huzzah!

But not the ordination.

I don't have the right to
discard my father's legacy.

How do I explain that to him?

- He's dead.
- No, he's not.

We are the future.

You mean you. Hmm?

So I must push my family into
a ditch to get out of your way?

My father built the room we
live in, the palace we live in,

in the city he built
with a will of iron.

A thousand-year reign was his desire.

You are legitimate because of him.

I am legitimate because
I f*cking took it,

because it is my destiny.

- No, because I gave it.
- Oh, we're back here.

Yes. And what of Paul?

Paul will have us.

How do we explain to him
he's a f*cking nobody?

Do you not think we are
exceptional, you and I?

Of course.

And that our child
will likely be similar?

You ask too much.

Of me. Of Paul.

I ask you to choose us.

♪

Oooh!

[GROANING]

What the f*ck?

You f*cking brought her here.

You chose her as a wife.
This is your f*cking fault.

You couldn't control her.

Because I love her!

You should never have brought
me someone I would love.

Total mismanagement!

It's not my fault. Peter
the Great ruled his women.

I thought you might be
something beyond a shadow of him.

Total misjudgment!

Oh, that was cruel.

- Oooh!
- [GROANS]

Ah, you're both here. How fortuitous.

Archie, get off the ground.

She's not doing it. I failed.

What the f*ck will Daddy say?

- Happy to make some guesses.
- Hush.

Which is why I have a plan. A sedative.

You dab it on her
lips once she's asleep,

it will absorb and put
her in a heavy sleep.

At midnight, Paul will be one.

You bring him to the chapel.

He is officially ordained. She
never knows until she needs to.

I like it. God has intervened.

Eh... f*ck it! Give me it.

It is a secret you must
keep until it's done.

Right, right, right.

Oh, that's f*cking reassuring,
"right, right, right."

- I will hit you again.
- And God will note it down again.

I believe in you, darling.

To Emperor Paul. Huzzah!

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah.

- [ELIZABETH SIGHS]
- So yummy.

- Her placenta is divine.
- Yeah, it tastes like Mummy's.

This is exciting, Paul.

Your first step toward
becoming an emperor.

What if it is not for you?

It was not for me.

What if I am just putting
a burden on your neck?

It is exhausting to carry
the weight of Peter the Great.

Maybe a good father should
protect you from that.

Nod if you want it.

Imperceptible.

You're right, I'll decide.

He's late.

Right.

[PUGACHEV CACKLES,
MARIAL LAUGHING DRUNKENLY]

[PUGACHEV LAUGHS, SNIFFLES]

Oh, watch, watch, watch.

- Uh, noble.
- Emperor.

Come here and bend over.

[LAUGHING SUGGESTIVELY]

[MARIAL CHUCKLES]

Ooh! [LAUGHING]

Thank you, sir. You may go.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

He actually thought you were him.

Good at my job.

These frescoes are so beautiful.

Are you trying to distract yourself
from the weakness of your nephew?

Yes. I am, actually.

Only God can control destiny.

Well, have a word, then, will you?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This is f*cking bizarre.

One minute, they're
like he's chosen by God,

and now we're strapping him to a
wild animal and sh**ting at him.

This is Russia.

We'll be home soon, though.

I can feel it.

I'm sorry, I know what it meant to you.

Love can carry wounds.

I will carry mine.

I took it out this
morning. The lemon top.

I look forward to meeting your daughter,

or the possibility of a bushel of
children to choose a leader from.

♪

[APPLAUSE]

- Grigor, should I be nervous?
- [WHISPERING] Not at all.

[FIRES]

New g*n!

It's fine.

Release the stag!

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[r*fle FIRES]

[DISTANT CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- [GROANS]
- Pugachev.

God has called you.

You f*cking me, or I f*cking you?

Neither. We're f*cking the Empress.

Oh. Love it.

[WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN
BY STYLE COUNCIL PLAYING]

♪ You don't have to take this crap ♪

♪ You don't have to sit back and relax ♪

♪ You can actually try changing it ♪

♪ I know we've always
been taught to rely ♪

♪ Upon those in authority ♪

♪ But you never know until you try ♪

♪ How things just might be ♪

♪ If we came together
so strongly, yeah ♪

♪ Are you gonna try to make this work ♪

♪ Or spend your days down in the dirt ♪

♪ You see things can change ♪

♪ Yes, an' walls came a-tumbling down ♪

♪ Governments cr*ck and systems fall ♪

♪ 'Cause unity is powerful ♪

♪ Lights go out ♪

♪ Walls come tumbling down ♪

- ♪ Yes, they do ♪
- ♪ Yes, they do ♪

- ♪ Yes, they do ♪
- ♪ Yes, they do, whoa ♪

♪ The competition is a color TV ♪

♪ We're on "still pause"
with the video machine ♪

♪ That keep you slaves to the H.P. ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Until the unity is threatened by ♪

♪ Those who have and who have not ♪

♪ Those who are with and
those who are without ♪

♪ And dangle jobs like
a donkey's carrot ♪

♪ Until you don't know where you are ♪

♪ Are you gonna get to realize ♪

♪ The class w*r's
real not mythologized ♪

♪ And like Jericho, yes, the
walls came a-tumbling down ♪

♪ Governments cr*ck and systems fall ♪

♪ 'Cause unity is powerful ♪

♪ Lights go out ♪

♪ Walls come tumbling down... ♪