03x07 - Fun

[bunniefuu]

[STRAINING]

- Ah!
- Amazing!

I am indeed! What's the score now?

to .

- Whose is which?
- I can't remember.

[LAUGHING]

I love this. This is so
fun! We should have more fun.

Agreed!

Because fun is fun, and surprising.

Like you are surprising.
I had no idea you were fun.

Nor I you.

I always thought you
were a monstrous slut.

But now we see each other, and
it is dazzling and wonderful.

And what a time we have had! And also...

Oh! Oh, my God.

I have so many thoughts
going on right now.

I can see it in your face.

I'm imagining b*ll*ts
exploding in your head.

That is what it is like!

Thankfully only in metaphor.

What if the Enlightenment was fun?

The ideas.

My mind just exploded.

It's brilliant!

The court see it as dull, the
peasants see it as unintelligible,

and the merchants... who knows
what those greedy fucks think.

But if it was fun, they may
connect with it in a new way.

And they would see me as fun.

And they would not hate you.

They do not hate me.

I'm kidding with you!

Ahhhh!

- Fun!
- Ha, ha!

Drinks!

[SIGHS]

To be serious for a moment,
they do hate me out there.

There are peasants, faces
like squashed potatoes,

hating me, face-f*cking dolls of me,

riled up by Pugachev.

- And do you know what?
- It scares you?

It makes me f*cking hate them

and like I could boil
them alive in my rage.

Gosh!

But that is not a thought
for today, for today is fun.

[GEORGINA LAUGHS]

Let us put our heads together.

Literal, but I love it.

This is my idea.

They are apparently inventing
a thing called a train.

We build one, we go to the
region Pugachev is in, and...

- k*ll him?
- No!

That is what they want us to do.

We stop in every town,
we play badminton,

and we discuss the Enlightenment,

as we do, in a fun way.

And then, you suck one
peasant's cock in each town

to show we feel they are not beneath us.

And I suck a peasant's cock?

I can do it, too. We could take turns.

The train is the problem,
as it is not yet existing.

I see. I see.

What could we do
today, in court, though?

Hmm, yes. Today is more important.

What if we could have
a fun day at court?

A festival of plays, ideas.

Yes!

Everyone must tell
jokes, and dance, and...

f*cking quote Voltaire backwards

and eat kumquats from
each other's mouths!

We will call it...

something f*cking good.

"The Festival of Truth, Jokes,
and Stunningly Clever Ideas"!

Love it!

I love how focused you are.

You only see the future
and what you need to do.

You are f*cking amazing!

Why, thank you.

Look at me. I f*cking love you!

You have changed me!

You have torn out the old George and
dumped her compliant body and mind

on the side of the road and made me new!

Hmm.

It's funny you once
ate my p*ssy, isn't it?

I never think about it.

Me neither.

I need a f*cking bath.

I smell like a peasant
who d*ed of syphilis

and was buried in an ox in high summer.

I was thinking exactly
that about myself.

Then let us go bathe
and let the fun unleash.

It will be a marvelous
lunch that does not stop.

There will be games and music.

We will need birds, and a plinth,
and desserts, obviously, and...

[STATELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

Tea?

- Where's Georgina?
- I don't know.

I need you to help me with Madam Dymov.

You know there is a sizzling
attraction between her and I

that pulls at the bonds of our class

and one day will tear
them and our clothes apart

and we will have each other.

I'm a bit confused. I
was, um, I was dreaming.

And maybe I still am.

I need help tearing at the bonds.

W-What's she like? What gets to her?

I had a dream. Where's George?

Oh, she's been gone all night.

What?

I'm not dreaming, am I?

No.

W-What does she like? Shall
I casually expose a breast?

Um, what?

Georgina.

I was thinking I might bite her ear.

Thoughts?

- George.
- GEORGINA: Darling.

You may go, Petra.

I am at your whim. Any whim.

Information I already know.

- Where were you?
- With Catherine.

Is she all right? D...
d... did she tell you?

She's fine. And she didn't.

Are you all right?

No, I'm not. How am I
gonna be without him? How?

- I d...
- Don't know?

Because you can't, because I
f*cking can't be without him!

- I can't!
- Grigor, come here.

Don't you touch me. I'll dissolve.

What am I in this world without him?

- He's...
- Everything.

I know.

I keep seeing us as kids in the halls.

Oh, Jesus.

You haven't told anyone, have you?

No.

Catherine is insane.

They will hate her if she hasn't
told them and they find out.

Indeed they will.

GRIGOR: f*ck.

Every time I sleep, I wake up unsure...

And then I remember the...

the icy water, his face.

God. I loved him.

I know.

I think maybe I should
go and see Catherine.

And I love you.

Whatever I do, it's for us.

Wait here a minute.

It's f*cking real, isn't it?

Yes, but it's all right.

I know what to do.

GRIGOR: If I hadn't
f*cking told her. If I...

[SNIFFLES]

Maybe I was disloyal.

You weren't! You f*cking loved him.

We were all happy until her.

Yeah.

He's dead.

The words are pounding my head in.

Drink your tea, though.

What do we do?

You can sleep.

I need to see Marial. [SNIFFLES]

Careful, darling. You need to rest.

[DINNERWARE RATTLING]

Whoa.

- Is Peter dead?
- What the f*ck?

You eavesdropping little bitch.

It's my job to anticipate
your every need.

Helps if I eavesdrop. Is he?

No.

He f*cking is.

You can't utter a word.

sh*t.

I c... Are you all right?

You loved him.

I was so jealous, hearing you moaning
under him as I brought him cake.

Petra, you need to keep your mouth shut.

- I'll pay you.
- I'm more of an experience-driven person.

Fine.

Yes?

That was really f*cking nice.

I knew it would be.

We have a deal.

[GROANING]

What the f*ck?! George!

George!

Oh!

[GROANING]

f*ck.

Leonora! I don't want to be in here.

And where is everyone?
And why aren't we working?

Is Russia suddenly running itself?

Well, if it is, it is no doubt
into a ditch, as that is its way.

So, let us not have that on
a day of fun and brilliance!

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

Morning!

We are to have the funnest lunch today.

Ah, Archie!

Empress?

A joke! Everyone!

Um...

why was the lute teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

M-minor chord, and a
minor is a term for a...

f*ck me. Really?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Ah.

How do you circumcise a Georgian?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Empress, we need to talk about Pugachev.

Smolny, a joke, immediately.

Uh, w-w-what do you call a man
who whistles when he speaks?

A c**t. And then you
smash his f*cking teeth in,

so the only sound he
makes is a gulping noise

as he swallows his own blood.

[CHUCKLES]

A f*ckin' problematic
human, that Smolny.

A roaming, bathing Empress!

How marvelous!

Elizabeth, a joke!

What's red and yet translucent,
covered in flowers, lives in the sea,

eats only plankton and
anchovies, speaks in tongues,

can change its color as it wills,

can disgorge poison from its eyes,

and makes a noise like a small flute?

Gosh. I don't know.

Neither do I, but it will
be wonderful when we find it.

[COURTIERS LAUGHING]

Onwards!

[g*n COCKS]

Bam! Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! Bam!

They say he'll speak
in the hall at midday.

And then, bam-bam-bam!

Ugh! Put the f*cking g*n down, Maxim.

I'd love to do it, a
gesture of affection.

Sweet, but no.

Or we do it together? Get
him in a crossfire situation.

And then, bam, bam, bam!

f*cking hell.

It would be a fond memory,

and we've not done many
couple things in our marriage.

I'm doing it.

You're waiting in the carriage.

What? It was my idea!

You heard me.

Unbelievable.

Marvelous.

Uh, what's going on?

We are to have the most fun lunch.

Elizabeth, we are to reinvent
discourse in a fun way,

wrapping ideas in joy and shiny paper.

Are you all right?

- You seem...
- Inspired.

And it is coursing through my veins.

Empress, we must discuss Pugachev.

I have begun negotiations, and
he's put some things on the table.

We shouldn't negotiate
with any t*rrorists

who were once sassy but
charismatic employees.

What?

She said we shouldn't
negotiate with t*rrorists.

Are you losing your hearing, Archie?

My father did, it was so annoying.

Every day, "Morning,
Father. I said morning!"

Is anyone else cold? I feel freezing.

Good morning.

Oh. Sorry.

You can face me. It is just
an incredible, naked body.

Ah. Siberia.

Petrov, three facts
about Siberia, and a joke.

It's cold. Really
cold. Unimaginably cold.

Uh, what is red and
not good for your teeth?

A flying brick.

Oh, marvelous.

I found Pugachev. Seemed
important, hence the bursting in.

You what?

"Found Pugachev." I
believe that's what he said.

Your hearing, Archie!

He's in Tekov. Apparently,
hiding out in a church.

The, uh... Outrageous.

There will be flagellations
and excommunications over this.

Interesting information,
but basically irrelevant,

as I have a deal brewing.

My people tell me he's rallying today.

I can have men there in four hours.

I think we have a plan that
does not involve bloodshed.

The Empress hates bloodshed.

Let's spare Russian lives, shall we?

Up to the Empress.

We have a few options, it's in our plan.

Plan?

Summary: We arrest him alive,

or bring his head home in a bag,
put it in a cannon, and let rip.

He has quite a militia, so
there'll be a bit of a battle.

Pointless bloodshed.

He's raised an army, actually.

Apparently, he has a
real turn of phrase.

Obviously, they're piling
up dead nobles like kindling.

In fact, quite often
using them for kindling,

which, considering the
winter we've been having,

has an efficient kind of logic.

[SCREAMS] You scared me! [LAUGHS]

- Empress!
- Towel!

I cannot be wet during
an important discussion.

Elizabeth, the French should pay
their debts in art from now on.

Make a note.

All out, while the Empress dresses.

Look at you both.

Inflamed with sick and
yet understandable desire

and pretending you are not.

I'm not pretending, I just wasn't
sure how vocal to be about it.

I have no feelings below the waist.

Thing is, time is important.

I know where he is
now, might not tomorrow.

Which is why negotiating
is the plan we are on,

which does not have
a time pressure on it.

Unless of course you're a noble
they're about to set alight.

I clearly remember saying "out."

We'd also like to discuss
the Swedish campaign,

as no one in the
m*llitary seemed to know.

Everyone's a bit, "What the f*ck?"

So, love to catch up on that.

- [GROANING]
- [CROWD CHUCKLING]

Win my favor, you have ten seconds.

Y-You're handsome and... pretty.

PUGACHEV: Mm, just
another word for handsome.

What do you want?

- Whatever you...
- Decide? Will? Whatever my whim?

- Yes.
- Mm.

Raise up your clapping hands for Boris.

Thanks for coming up, Boris.

That is how she wants you to live.

She f*cking hates Russians.
That's the hard truth of it.

[MUTTERED AGREEMENT]

Yeah, I knew a woman...

beautiful, smart, a-a
f*cking stick of fire

who could drink and spar with anyone,

born to f*cking title

and they just took it from her.

Yeah, suddenly she's covered in sh*t,

lice, beatings, the odd cock at
her face, taking it from everyone.

And then, suddenly,
they yank her back up.

"Oh, you please us, you can live."

Then, "No you can't," and
they throw her back down!

The joke is she imagines
herself an independent spirit.

[LAUGHING]

She is f*cking deluded.

She is a puppet.

She is what they made her.

A scared, angry woman,

desperate for approval so she
can take a free f*cking breath.

And I, for one, f*cking love her.

For she does what we all do.

Who hasn't walked into a room
wondering, "What if I displease them?"

Or have done? Hmm?

And I aimed to change all that.

[MURMURED AGREEMENT]

I, Peter, son of Peter the Great!

[CHEERING] Ah!

You know what I was about to do?

I was about to change
everything, and she smelt it.

You know what I was about to do?

CROWD: What?

I wanted to free all the serfs.

[CHEERING]

Yes. Yes.

And remove all taxes on the merchants.

[CHEERING]

Yeah, let people free.
Release us from our bonds.

Our brains are as f*cking
trapped as our bodies, my friends!

[CHEERING]

[CHANTING "PETER!"]

Bring her out!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHEERING] Aaaaah!

Who wants at it?

[JEERING, SHOUTING]

Yes! Ha, ha!

[CROWD CHANTING "f*ck HER UP!"]

Ah! Hello.

- Oh, you are...
- Very enlivened and excited.

The Empress has a plan to reset the way

we talk about the Enlightenment,

to throw open the doors
to dissent and also satire.

And that's where you come in.

Today, you put on your play!

I cannot.

I showed only you.

It's treason!

[WHISPERING] Very funny treason.

Still treason.

I was angry when I wrote it.

I think you're being too harsh.

It is a gift, and you must unwrap
it and show it to the world.

- I don't know, I...
- Katya, are you a coward full of hot air

who will die wondering if she could
have made an impact on this earth?

- Jesus.
- You wanna lie in your grave and think what?

"I've tasted a few cocks,
I've taught a few girls,

and my true gift d*ed in my
heart like a sparrow in a jar"?

- She will...
- She will love it.

I have been with her all
night. We misjudge her.

She wants aggressive discourse.
She will f*cking love it, and you.

And you will be the
toast of these halls.

You will be seen!

You will be f*cking
Moliere with a p*ssy.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I love that. Moliere with a p*ssy.

The toast of f*cking Russia.

Get it ready.

So my question is,
how much art is enough?

And do we need more museums?

Which, of course, we do.

I should tour the regions,
incognito, in a hat.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm great. Excited about today.

Oh, something has come loose in you.

I'm...

I was the same whenever Peter
the Great went off to battle.

Oh, I was quite unhinged.

I had all the doors
removed from the West Wing,

because I thought when he came back,

I would not have the
delay of opening doors.

Ah! Oh, and I couldn't sleep,

and I took to swimming
hundreds of rounds of the lake,

until I would collapse on the bank,

breathless and riddled with
cramps and covered in leeches,

and they had to carry
me back to the palace.

Yes.

I think that might be it,
that I even imagined him dead.

I did that all the time.

I would imagine him dead in
battle, on the road, oh, everywhere.

It haunted me.

- Yes, but was not true.
- No!

Your heart swirls and clouds
your mind, and it is the worst.

Oh, yes.

Oh! It's why I'm so cold, I think.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

We must have fun. Let's just have fun.

What are you doing?

We have a lunch.

I put grapes in my hair. Try one.

Tart, like you.

[GEORGINA LAUGHS]

What the f*ck? We shouldn't
negotiate with t*rrorists?

I thought we had a deal.

I can't be seen to support this,

then it would look
like we're ganging up.

And your hands remain clean.

Something like that.

If you want me to carry your water,
don't s*ab a hole in the bucket.

[SOFTLY] Archie, you need to end it.

It seems to be getting out of hand.

[COURTIERS MURMURING IN HALLWAY]

[BIRDS SINGING]

Now!

Welcome to the Festival of Fun,
Truth, and Mesmerizing Ideas.

Release the birds.

[COURTIERS GASPING]

Let us set free our ideas

and k*ll the weak ones,
leaving only the best to fly.

[COURTIERS SCREAM]

Also, realize, this is a
visual metaphor of that idea.

Everyone, a joke, because it
is also fun, this Enlightenment.

Uh, a bear walks into a
tavern and says, "I'd like a...

vodka."

The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

"Born with them."

[LAUGHING]

Adorable, and unexpected.

Um, what does my ex-wife think about
when she's f*cking her new lover?

Hopefully, how much I miss her
and what a special thing we had.

[MURMURING]

What's blue, cold, and good in bed?

A dead peasant!

[ALL LAUGHING]

GEORGINA: Marco!

COURTIERS: Polo!

- Marco!
- Polo!

[GEORGINA SHRIEKS]

- Marco!
- Polo!

Is she all right?

Peter is at w*r.

- Fear manifests in strange ways.
- Marco!

This sudden friendship seems startling.

Indeed.

- GEORGINA: Marco!
- COURTIERS: Polo!

Why are you wearing
four seasons of clothing?

Ugh, I'm very cold, and
all day I've grown colder.

Have you seen Vinodel?

It feels deeper than that.

And not just fear.

Ugh, I don't know what, though.

Hmm, the body, what a thing.

We do not have control
over our own carriage,

and it would run us into a
ditch at a moment's notice.

You're right.

The body has answers before
the mind knows the questions.

It's the body's questions
I hate, to be honest.

[COURTIERS LAUGHING]

Marco!

COURTIERS: Polo!

Marco!

COURTIERS: Polo!

[COURTIERS GASPING]

Oh!

I'm so sorry. Reflex.

[GIGGLING]

[COURTIERS LAUGHING TIMIDLY]

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

I guess I'm it.

You do it? In the eye, like I said?

- Couldn't.
- What?

I listened to what he
said, and a lot of it...

I f*cking agree with.

I'm here about to m*rder
someone who's done nothing to me,

because I need the Empress
to like me or I'm f*cked?

Let's focus on the last
half of that sentence.

The "you're f*cked" bit, add
me in, make it we're f*cked.

Maxim, I'm not doing it.

Marial, we had a plan.

New plan, Archie's plan plays out.

Archie will manage the whole
thing and we will slide out of it.

He is an expert at this.

How very disappointing.

[SIGHS] Let's go home.

I have to pee.

Why didn't you while I was in there?

'Cause you said stay in the carriage,
and I am obviously, unlike you,

the person in the partnership
whose word can be trusted.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Archie, we must put our heads together.

I will begin negotiations

and counsel against the
m*llitary's bloodthirsty madness.

But what will make them not hate me?

Show of strength.

Are you lurking?

I just have an instinct for
when I should be somewhere.

Always have.

I once walked, not knowing why,
across two fields and a stream,

stopped under a tree,
heard a rustling noise,

looked up as a young girl
fell, caught her in my arms.

Hmm, fascinating.

- What was her name?
- Olga.

- Hmm, what sort of tree?
- Oak.

Can we agree to just negotiate
a peaceful settlement?

It's not just him, though.

It's the army of hate
that he's whipped up.

Which dies with his
disappearance and presumed death.

The opposite happened with Jesus.

Good point. People love a martyr.

Joan of Arc.

My sisters and I dressed up like
her and set fire to ourselves.

Real fire?

Can we stop?

Are you yelling because you're deaf?

I... am not deaf.

And I have the solution at hand.

As do I.

So Petrov creates a perimeter
from which he cannot escape,

Archie negotiates, and if it goes wrong,

Petrov unleashes w*r upon them,

and if it goes right,
Petrov's men hand out rubles

with my name on them to everyone.

BOTH: Good plan.

When you're out there and
the crowd looks up at you,

this f*cking energy force.

Now, I've been in battle,
and you feel the energy

like palpable f*cking
waves of hate and fear.

But this is f*cking love, and
it tingles the f*cking skin.

And then, you know, words
and ideas come out of me

I've never thought before,
and they're right and...

true and...

f*ck me!

Jesus, that is good!

You are marvelous!

I love you, Emperor Peter.

f*cking love you, too. Silky
f*cking mouth, well played.

Pugachev, I presume.

No, I don't f*ck little
boys. Rule of mine.

Farewell, sir. May your trip
to hell be fast and fiery.

Ooh!

♪

Driver! Go!

- What the f*ck, Maxim?
- I sh*t him dead.

It was Maxim-esque!

You're f*cking joking!

Sometimes the man must take
control. You, my dear, are welcome.

Driver, go!

[GROANING]

These f*cking people.

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Empress, Katya has written a play.

Huzzah! I love a play!

I'm not sure about this.

- It will be fun!
- We don't know what it is.

It's about you, that's all I know.

Me? Huzzah.

It will make them love me.

Shall we have a play?

[COURTIERS CHEERING]

Once, we could not have
imagined ourselves writing plays.

Our gratitude to our Empress.

[APPLAUSE]

[COURTIERS CHEERING]

Peasant, I need a seat.

I have a story to tell.

I'm the narrator.

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

On arriving in Russia...

[COURTIERS GASPING]

Russia!

It burns in my heart.

I see its golden promise.

Ah, my new wife.

- [KATYA GROANS]
- [COURTIERS GASP]

[COURTIERS LAUGHING]

I bring the Enlightenment.

And a silky mouth.

Well done. Faster!

KATYA: Mm! Mm! Mm!

Voltaire!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Diderot!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Montesquieu!

COURTIERS: Whooo!

I just blew Montesquieu!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Shall I stop it?

It will look bad, but...

I must take this land and
its poor trodden-on people.

I will free the peasants, and
they will be grateful and love me.

Ooh, who are you?

Hello, I'm Leo.

Have a peach and some light foreplay.

[COURTIERS LAUGHING]

I'm Orlo, let's go change this land.

KATYA: Hmm.

Let's do both.

Rid this land and create a new one.

I love you, Leo.

[COURTIERS SIGH]

Well?

- [g*n BONKS]
- COURTIERS: Ohhh!

[LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

- Can I take that?
- Of course.

I love you.

Put the crown on my head
and your tongue in my p*ssy.

[COURTIERS EXCLAIMING]

[CHEERING AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

I crown me Catherine of
Much Unrealized Promise!

- [SIGHS]
- We have much to do.

We shall need complete focus
and no resiling from our...

Oh! f*ck yeah!

Eat that p*ssy!

Free those serfs!

I am Catherine of Much
Unrealized Promise,

and I have come to save you.

So thusly, be better!

- Huzzah.
- [COURTIERS LAUGHING]

Read books, uh, agree with me,

and wake up to the
fact you're sh*t, but...

but noble at heart and ready to rise!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I think we must have
more concrete plans.

Who are you again?

Orlo!

[COURTIERS EXCLAIMING, GASPING]

[g*n BONKS]

KATYA: Where did he go?

To Russia!

We ride to the future together!

[COURTIERS LAUGHING]

[HORSE WHINNYING]

[COMICAL NEIGHING]

[SNORTING]

[COURTIERS EXCLAIMING SUGGESTIVELY]

[CONTENTED WHINNY]

[COURTIERS CHEERING]

[KATYA EXCLAIMING EROTICALLY]
[HORSE NICKERING CONTENTEDLY]

Don't say "neigh," say "yaaaaay!"

[HORSE SNORTS]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE FADES]

[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR]

Everyone, uh, dance!

Until you throw up!

Brilliant!

No one may leave the dance
floor until they have.

[SOFTLY] God, so...

I feel a bit...

COURTIERS: Ohhh!

She said dance, you f*ckers! Dance!

[HORSE WHINNYING]

[GROANING]

Let me go!

I'm very, very annoyed at you!

Uggh!

- All good?
- Quiet.

Unlock it.

And you, go downstairs and start
telling the servants about Peter.

I'm telling now? I
thought I wasn't telling.

Life evolves.

- I might need something.
- How about I don't b*at you?

How about you do, and
I'm naked when you do it?

Fine, just go.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- [TATYANA MOANING]
- You're okay. You're okay.

You're all right. It's
all right. It's okay.

- Oh, f*ck off!
- Tatyana, try and...

- I understand.
- Oh, best friends with the Empress!

Always sucking up to the
top, that's f*cking you.

Rode Peter, and now
you'll ride Catherine.

I just wanted to ask you
if you'd heard the rumor,

but f*ck off yourselves.

- What rumor? George!
- No.

Tell me. Ignore her.

Something weird's going on, isn't it?

There's a rumor Peter
d*ed on the way to Sweden.

- What?
- d*ed.

Drowned or something.

And she knows, and she won't tell us.

- She is acting weird.
- Yeah.

I don't know, I just
wondered if you'd heard it?

- No.
- Right.

Well, don't tell anyone,
because it could be bullshit.

And she's not acting weird.

The more you know her,
you realize she's mad.

I'm actually a bit scared
of what she's capable of.

Why wouldn't she tell us?

Because maybe he didn't drown,
Arkady. Maybe she k*lled him.

[SCOFFS] He, he can't be f*cking dead.

Anyway, keep it between
us. I hate gossip!

What's wrong with you two?

I'm finding it quite fun.

Have you heard what they're saying?

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

Everything's spinning.

I know.

f*ck that Katya.

You need to k*ll her.

- What?
- There are lines people can't cross.

I won't allow it. Cut her
f*cking head off before dessert.

I...

Remember the heads, when I first came?

Catherine, she just att*cked your
rule in a way you must react to.

You can't allow people to degrade you.

That's what Pugachev is doing.

Not in your own court.

You must smash back.

I said they could tell the truth.

The progressives would hate
me, feel I betrayed them.

Hmm...

Yes, I suppose they would.

I hadn't seen that.

You're so clever.

Why you're the Empress, I guess.

Why are you here?

I'm here because I'm your friend.

You weren't.

I am now.

You see that, don't you?

Yes.

Other small problem is that...

the rumor of Peter's
death is sweeping court.

What?

That he and his horse fell
through the ice on a lake,

and he f*cking drowned

and you watched it and
have not told anyone.

[SOFTLY] So...

You need to stand up and
tell them that's a lie.

Because it is, isn't it?

[MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

No, it's not true.

It's not true, it's not true.

Hello.

Oh, bad time?

Let's just sign off on this.

I beseech you, which is a
very big word for "end this."

Agree to the one church, and
he will abandon his flock,

leave the country.

They have no one to
follow, wander back to us.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you, Archie.

Lesson learned:

Control is everything in Russia,

and only the church
and the Empress have it.

Do you believe in visions?

Mm, it's part of the job.

Something is rushing up at me, and
it will k*ll me if it gets here.

Evening!

I wouldn't just burst
in normally like this,

as I believe manners are the
fabric that furnishes our society.

However, when the biggest enemy
of the state, one Pugachev,

has been gunned down by the
most stylish man in the kingdom,

one Maxim Illyich Vaskovy,

I believe a little leeway can be given.

- You...
- sh*t Pugachev.

Oh, he begged for his life,

but I just smiled wryly
and put one through his eye.

So this fake Peter is dead.

[SOFTLY] f*cking hell.

F-Fake Peter is dead.

Very f*cking dead.

I lay this gift of loyalty at your feet.

I think you will also
enjoy the view of my shoes

when you bend down to pick it up.

[SIGHS] Pugachev is dead.

That Peter is dead.

[SIGHS] Yes.

Yes, now I understand.

Maxim.

God has blessed me, Archie.
I think we all see that now.

[SIGHS]

[CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

No.

sh*t. You all right?

I tried to open the door with my head.

Right. What the f*ck is going
on? Why are you locked in?

Where have you been?

I don't know. Marriage stuff.

Right.

What's happened?

Peter was on a horse on the ice

and he just f*cking fell through.

What?

Because Hugo's a c**t, and Peter
the Great won't leave him alone,

and I was disloyal but not really,
but he's dead, so I was something.

It's not good because it
didn't work, what I did.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

He was staring at me, and I reached out,

and his horse dragged him down,

and he looked sort of bewildered
and kind of f*cked off, as well.

Peter's... What are you saying?

That he's dead.

My friend is dead.

f*ck.

Yeah.

f*ck.

And Catherine saw it?

Yes, but she's mad, and
she won't let me tell anyone

and says it didn't happen.

It did, though?

It did.

I prefer it when I'm unconscious.

Yeah, just rest, my darling.

Just rest.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CATHERINE CLEARS THROAT]

Katya, stand on the plinth.

What a lolly of a play.

How scathing of me and my failings.

And how humorous to watch oneself
be f*cked in the arse by a horse.

[UNCERTAIN LAUGHTER]

And how you all loved it.

So, I had an idea.

The regions should see it.

They should?

I've arranged for you to go to Siberia

for an extended writer's residency.

Siberia?

Take a coat and a hat! Huzzah!

COURTIERS: Huzzah!

Also, there is a ridiculous
rumor sweeping the halls.

That Peter is dead.

And you are lying to us about it.

He is not dead.

Pugachev is dead.

And since he was pretending to
be Peter, and Maxim k*lled him,

then obviously people
have become confused.

And so it's Pugachev
who is dead, not Peter.

Pugachev, not Peter.

Desserts?

Peter's not dead?

No. Desserts!

[FRENCH ACCENT] Empress, I
have a special delight tonight.

Oh.

Emperor Peter and I have
been working on salty dessert.

I would like to unveil the first.

A salted caramel mousse with a
nut praline, also thyme salted.

He was very excited.

It is a shame he is
not here to see this.

S-Salty.

Did I tell you I am going
to try my salt on desserts?

I have ordered
Jean-Pierre to experiment.

Madness, but brilliant.

I'll send word when we're done.

I love you.

My whole f*cking heart, and all my body,

and whatever ineffable
spirit animates me.

Everything.

You must do the honor.

I, I... hmm.

JEAN-PIERRE: Formidable, no?

He's dead!

He's f*cking dead!

[GRIGOR GROANING]

[ANGELIC CHOIR SINGING]

[CHOIR CONTINUES]

[CHOIR CONTINUES]