08x04 - Love Is A Stranger

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Inside No. 9". Aired: February 5, 2014 - present.
Dark comic tales, each of which takes place inside a building or apartment marked number nine.
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08x04 - Love Is A Stranger

Post by bunniefuu »

And some scenes which some
viewers may find upsetting.

The sound
of Northamptonshire is...

BBC Radio Northampton!

At seven o'clock
with the latest BBC News

for Northamptonshire,
I'm Phil Gabbitas.

Police are tonight searching
wasteland outside Kettering

following the discovery earlier
today of human remains.

The body has yet to be
formally identified,

but police have indicated

that the discovery is likely to be
connected to three other m*rder

in the county, thought to be
the work of the so-called

"Lonely Hearts k*ller".

A telephone number for anyone
calling with information

about the case has been released.

It's ...

Oh, hello!


Took me by surprise.

I know, yeah. It's weird, isn't it?

I... I, er...

You go on.

I was going to say,

I don't know if we're allowed
to say our names.

Yeah, no, I'm not sure, erm,

cos the email said we had
to keep things anonymous,

what with everything in the news.

Well, statistically,
you're more likely to be k*lled

by someone you know than
a complete stranger,

so let's live dangerously, shall we?

I'm Edgar.

You don't have to tell me
if you're not comfortable.

Erm, Vicky.

Hi, Vicky. Nice to e-meet you.

Nice... Nice to meet you, too.

Erm, so have you done
one of these before?

I've done one in real life
where you go along a line...

IRL. Sorry?

Sorry, that's...
erm, "in real life" is IRL.

Yeah, where you jump along
one every five minutes.

It's like musical chairs. Exactly.

Though mine was more like
"pin the tail on the donkey".

Anyway, nothing really came of it,

so I thought I'd try this.

Well. I- 'm glad you did.

So am I.

So, what do you do, Edgar?

I'm a landscape gardener.

I do designs and planting -

basically, the kind of thing you
see on the Chelsea Flower Show.

I love that.

I've never been, but I...
I used to love watching it

on the TV and...I've always
really loved gardening.

Really? Yeah, I put it
as one of my passions.

Well, that's a good start.
What else is on that list?

Well, that...that would be
telling, wouldn't it?

I've got to keep some
of my feminine mystique!

Absolutely right.

So, how big's your plot?


Your garden.

Do you want me to come round
and give you a quote?

Oh, it's a...small patch.

Well, it's a window box, actually.

Sounds great. I love a window box.

So, how about you, Vicky?
Do you work?

Yeah, I'm a carer. I was...

I was a carer, and now I just do
a little bit of volunteering

at the local charity shop,
so...that's me.

And do you have a family?
What's your situation?

Oh, I've got a brother who...
moved to Canada a while ago,

and he's got two little girls now,
so I'm an auntie.

Cool. Whereabouts?

Winnipeg. Yeah, I'm going to
go over there, definitely,

once he gets settled.
How long's he been there?

Six years.

Anyway, tell me more about you,

cos I'm wittering on.

Like I say, landscape gardener.

I golf occasionally.

Er, music-wise, Dire Straits,
Dylan, Simply Red...

Oh, I love them.

What's your favourite album?

Greatest Hits, probably.

Anyway, Vicky,
it's been lovely to meet you.

Oh, no, we've still got a minute.

Well, seconds.

That's...that's half
a lifetime in speed dating.

And you never know,
I might be the one.

Of course, but, erm, if you
go shopping for a new sofa,

for example, you don't just buy
the first one you see, do you?

You sit on a few first
to get a feel for it.

Some can be saggy...

You know? And some can
be sleek and.. hard.

And some can be fluffy
and comfortable

and last you a lifetime.


Anyway, good luck.

I hope you make it
to Canada someday.

I will. Thank...thanks, Edgar.

It's been... It's been really
nice chatting to you.

You, too. I've really enjoyed it,

and it's been good practice
for the next one.


I'm really glad you came.

Right, victim number two!
Good evening.

Hello there.

This is weird, isn't it?

Could you sit up for me, please?

Sorry? Sit up a little, would you?

The lighting is very poor your end.

Is that deliberate? No.

Erm, maybe if I tilt...
the screen back?

Is that better? Marginally.

Now, I have a brief checklist,
if you don't mind my going first.

Always best to have a plan,
I find. So, you are...?

Well, I thought we were supposed
to keep things anon...



Age? Well, is that...?

A ballpark figure will do.

I know you fillies like to shave off
half a decade if you can.

No, I'd rather not say.

Erm, I'm as old as my gums

and a little bit older
than my teeth.

I'll...put .

And location?

No, I'm not comfortable telling
you that at the moment...

For goodness' sakes, do I
look like an axe m*rder?

I just need to know if you have
direct transport links to Kettering.

Er, yes.

Well, that's fine, then.

Now, these you can answer
in the order you like,

but I'd like to know the following.

Occupation and salary,
pastimes and interests,

family and domestic expectations.

Oh, you're very prepared,
aren't you?

I just...

Anyway...I'm...a carer.

Was a carer.

And now I just work in
a charity shop locally.

Is that a salaried position?

No, but I do get first dibs on
every new bag that comes in.

Sorry, what... What was your name?

Norman Jenkins. Pastimes?

Er, I like to garden,
erm, walks, cooking...

Standard stuff.

Family-wise, I've got
a brother who lives in Canada

but, apart from that,

I'm footloose and fancy-free, so...

Yeah. Hang on, hang on.


...and "free".


...Norman, what did you mean
by "domestic expectations"?

I've recently been cut open
from here to here.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No, don't be sorry.
It saved my life.

I'm fitted with a pacemaker
which regulates my heartbeat

between and bpm.

However, my surgeon has warned me
about energetic activities,

including housework and...

...bedroom antics, so my enquiry
about domestic expectations

has to do with that. Is that clear?

But I think it's a bit soon
to be thinking about...

Suffice to say,
I may not be able to...

...deliver on certain aspects of
what you might be looking for.

That's fine. Erm, thank you
for being so honest with me.

I appreciate it.

I... I've had some big,
life-changing stuff

going on myself.

It's nice to talk about it,
isn't it?

I'm not lonely,
if that's what you mean.

Good. I'm pleased for you.

I am, a bit.

Can I turn the tables now
and interrogate you?

If you wish, yes. It's only fair.

So, Norman, if we were
going to go on a date,

where would you take me?

Oh. Good question. Erm...

I suppose, off the top of my head,

it would have to be, erm,
Kensington Palace Gardens,

Peter Pan statue.

Mother used to take me
there when I was a boy,

every Sunday, once a month,

before I was returned
to boarding school.

She'd buy me an ice cream
with strawberry sauce —

"monkey blood" we used to call it —

and then drop me off
at the station.

And I'd sob my little heart out
all the way back to Surrey.

That's so sad.

Is your mother still with us?

No, she d*ed in .

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I lost my mother last year.

It...untethers you, doesn't it?


...lose your bearings.

Do you think that you'd
maybe like to...

...meet for a coffee sometime
and talk about it?

Certainly not.
You look nothing like her.

Oh, hello! I'm Manny.


You look like you've lost
a shilling and found a penny!

Am I that ugly?

No, not at all!
Sorry, no, I've, erm...

I've just had the rudest man.

There's some nutters on here,
aren't there?

Well, you've only got
to read the papers.

Hey, my last one didn't
go to plan either.

Really? Yeah. Screen comes up,
there's nobody there.

I just hear this voice off.
"Sorry, I'm having a wee!”

I said, "It's all right, love.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Then she comes out of the toilet,

starts unloading the dishwasher!

No! I swear down!

I said, "Are you not going to
have a quick look, just in case

"you've got Cary Grant sat here?”

So, she comes over,
puts her glasses on and goes,

"Cary Grant?
More like Russell Grant!”

Then she frigs off again!

I-I like a cuddly man.

Oh, well, you know, I go up
and down, but it's hard, isn't it?

My last date was after a mother
rather than a partner.

You never know who you're
going to get, do you?

Mm, yeah, true.

You've got lovely eyes.

Thank you.

So, do you work, Vicky?

Yeah, I'm a landscape gardener.

Really? Yeah, I do
designs and planting —

the sort of thing you see in
the Chelsea Flower Show.


I was going to say something about
a neat bush but I stopped me self.

"Don't blow it, Manny!”

Oh, it's nice to laugh.

I haven't laughed in ages.

Oh, yeah. It's the best medicine.

Even if nothing comes
of these things romantically,

I always try and have a bit
of fun, but that's just me.

You can't go wrong if you're
straight up with people,

do you know what I mean?

Be honest. And if they like you,
they like you.

And if they don't, it's four
minutes out your life.


You're right.

I'm not a landscape gardener.

I just said it. I don't know why.

I think it's a confidence thing.

Oh, don't be daft,
I'll talk to anyone, me.

Well, you're not
a traffic warden, are you?

No. No, I'm...

I'm nothing.

Anyway, what do you do?

I, Vicky, run a premium
phone line for people trying

to solve their Rubik's Cubes.

Honestly? Swear down.

People ring up.
They've got three sides done.

They want to know how to progress.

Occasionally, I get the speed
cubers phoning up with a DNF.

What's that? "Did not finish".

But, mainly, it's just taking
Muggles through to self—completion

using the Fridrich method —

you know, starting
with your basic white cross,

then inserting pairs of corners
using OLL — sorry,

"orientation of last layer”.

I do go a bit geeky
when I get on the subject.

No, it sounds fascinating.

And, erm, how long are you on for?

Average call time is minutes.

£ a minute. You do the maths.

£ .

Exactly. Then you throw in
your internationals —

your Chineses, your Thais...

I only need to do - calls a day
and I'm laughing.

Sounds perfect.

Well, it is. You see,
I want to franchise it,

get it on Dragons' Den.

To me, it could be the next
Trunki or Tangle Teezer,

but I just don't think
they'd get it!

Well, the new lad they've got on —
Steven — he might.

You've got to get it
on social media.

You can get everything on
social media nowadays, can't you?

You can.

Including someone
to have a bit of fun with.

I wish I had a hobby

that I could turn into a job.

Oh, it's the best.

But it does make it hard
to meet people, so...


Have you seen the key to the shed?

I want to get the kids' bikes
out for the morning.

Yeah, I'll be down in a bit, love.

Who's this? No-one.

It's just one of me cubers.

You f*ck' liar!

You're doing it again, aren't you?

No! Listen!

He's married, you sad cow!

Sorry, I didn't know, I...

Keep your desperate,
clammy hands off.

If catch you sniffing round again,
I'll find out where you live

and I'll break your ribs!
Do you hear me?

I've done it before. She has.

Piss off and get your own man,

Oh, I'm really glad you came.
Come in.

Oh, you've opened it already.

It's a...

...bit of Dutch courage, I suppose.

Er, come in, sit down.
I'll pour us a glass.



Oh, hello! Who have we got here?

Oh, hi. Erm...

Oh, don't worry.
It's been happening all night.

I think they've put me
on the wrong track

because of my name — Lesley.

It's one of those
bi...polar names, isn't it?

Although it shouldn't be
a problem in this day and age,

what with all the mixing
of the gender fluids.

I suppose so, yeah.

Anyway, I'm not a lesbian.

I'm not even bi...curious.

I can't imagine anything worse.

What's your name, lovey?

Vicky. Aw. Vicky.

Is that with a C-K-I, or a K-K-I?

V= -C-K-Y.



And do you go by Vicky, or Victoria?

Er, Vicky, mainly.
Victoria's a bit...

Old-fashioned, yes. I agree.

Although I do have a friend
my age who's called Ivy,

and she's got tattoos and
a labia ring, so go figure!

So, now...tell me, Vic,

have you seen anyone who's
Mr Right out there,

or are they all a bit...?

Mr Lefts, as my mother used to say.

"Mr Lefts”. I like that.

No, erm...

Yeah, I've found a couple
of potentials maybe,

but no—one's really
jumped out at me.

Oh, well, I should hope not -

I mean, that's the beauty
about being online.

Safety first!

Did you hear they found
another body this morning?

Ring finger chopped off.

It's terrible.

You could be talking
to the Lonely Hearts k*ller.

Oh, don't say that.

Well, you can't trust
anyone these days.

I must tell you, though, Vic,

I've been laughing with
some of my other ladies

about the descriptions
that the guys give themselves,

compared to what they
really look like.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes! My last one described
himself as Cary Grant.

I thought,
"More like Russell Grant."


Mind you, we're just as bad,
aren't we?

I mean, you know, we say, er,
"bubbly" when we mean fat,

or "homely" when we mean a frump.

"Lives life to the full" -
ie, raging alcoholic.

Or my favourite...

..."footloose and fancy—free" —

meaning a totally empty existence.

Now, what's your status
at the moment, Vic?

Divorced, single,

or are you married, looking for
a bit of fun on the side?

No. Erm, I've just never
really found the time

for a serious relationship.

Ah, you're a career woman, like me.

No, not really. I just, erm...

I was worried that,
if I did find a man,

he'd have to share me with my mum.

Sounds kinky.

No, no, not like that.
It's just, up until recently,

I've had to put her needs first.

My dad walked out
when we were little,

so it was down to me,

and that was my life...

...through my fingers
before I knew it.


So, you found solace in food.

No, not really.

Oh, we're so hard on ourselves
sometimes, aren't we, Vic?

I mean, how many items
of clothing have you got

that you can no longer get into?


One to five, five to ten,
or and over?

Five to ten probably, if I...

Good. And, sometimes, Vic...

...when I'm slipping into
the bath of an evening,

I glance in the mirror
and I think to myself,

"What three words would I use
to describe my body shape?”

Do you ever think that?

And if so, what would they be?

So...what? The three words.
Take your time.

We've still got a minute left.

Sorry, what is this? What?

Why are you writing everything down?

Vicky, what if I were to tell you

that there is a
brand-new miracle product

that's just about to
launch in the UK?

It's a supplement, it's not food
replacement, and I can...

So, what, are you just trying
to sign me up for a diet plan?

Oh, no, we don't call it a
diet plan. No, no, no, no.

It's a gateway to a new you.

Have you got an email address?


Yes. But I'm not going
to give it to you.

Why not, lovey?
Because you've tricked me.

I bet you deliberately put yourself
down as a man, didn't you?

Well, it is fish in a barrel.

I mean, where else am I going
to find an endless supply

of ladies like you?

What do you mean, ladies like me?


Now, I really do need your
email so that I can...

f*ck off!


Is that supposed to be funny?

No, I'm really sorry.
Erm, I've been trying to fix this

for the past half an hour.

I, erm, let my kids use my phone
to watch LazyTown on CBeebies,

and the next thing you know,

At least I'm not a turd.


There's one that's a turd.


I can keep fidgeting with my phone
to try and turn this off,

or I can focus
on talking to you properly?

Er...or you can switch off now

and save yourself four minutes.
I wouldn't blame you.

Do you know what? It's fine.
I'm not doing anything else.

Can I ask your name?
I'd rather not say.

Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.

D-Don't keep saying sorry,

because you sound like me.

What have you got to be sorry for?

Oh. Daring to exist,
according to most people on here.

Yeah. Not easy, is it?

Being gazed at and picked over
by half a dozen strangers.

I've never done this before,
and I don't think I'll bother again.

Why not? It's just too painful.

Confirms all the worst things
that I think about myself.

Well, d—don't be like that.

|—I'm sure there's somebody
out there for you.

Are you a man or a mouse?



Fair enough.


Cheers to us, anyway.

To us. Cheers.

My name's Vicky, by the way.

Jai, by the way.

How old are your kids, Jai?

and .

And they still watch CBeebies?


What are their names?

Er, Sally and Lindsay.

Like the actress?

I suppose, yeah.


...used to sit my mum in
front of CBeebies.

She liked the colours. So...

...| know that LazyTown hasn't
been on for...ten years.

You put that filter
on yourself, didn't you?

I don't have kids.

Erm...the thing is, Vicky,
I've...I've got this...

I know.

When you took a drink, I saw.

Why don't you just turn it off,
and we can talk properly?

Yeah? Mm.

That's better.

So...tonight's been
a bit of a wash—out, has it?


Up till now, anyway.

I don't get to meet many women IRL.

It's quite hard to put up
with the stares and...

Oh, tell me about it. I live on
the top floor with no lift.

No, I mean, the...
No, I know what you meant.

Oh... I was joking.

You've got bants, Vicky's got bants.

No, people react
in different ways. Erm...

...I'm either the Invisible Man,
or the Elephant Man.

They either can't stop looking
or...they don't see me at all.

Oh, that must be hard.

I get overlooked as well.

No man, no job,

unless you count being a carer,
which most people don't.

So, this is me finally coming
out into the world, like, erm,

a flower starting to bloom,

except no-one wants to smell me.

I do.

Sorry, I meant...
That sounded weird. I mean...

Oh, we've got seconds left.

Wh-What can you say in seconds?
Go! OK. Er...er...

Hold on, wait.

Check this out!

Hope you've got a good memory,


I made us a lasagne.

I hope that's OK.

Just with some salad
and a bit of garlic bread.

It's been nice having someone
to cook for.

Mum always wanted tinned stuff,

and it became quite boring
after a while.


It's nice to see you in the flesh.

Here's to no more masks.

No more masks.

So, erm, how's Sally and Lindsay?

Oh, yeah, they're tucked up
in bed watching LazyTown.

I'm glad to hear it.
Do you want to sit down?

Yes, please, thank you.

So, er, have you been
working today?

Cos I never asked you what you did.

Yeah. So, er, I'm
in investments, so, er...

...buying, trading, selling.

I'm actually going to get
some Bitcoin soon,

so I'm just running the numbers.

That sounds exciting.
Yeah, it is really exciting.


That's an interesting dress
you're wearing.

You're the third person
I've seen wearing it this week.


Must be on sale or, like, at one of
them charity shops, or something.

No. It's...quite old.

It used to be one of my mum's,
I think.

What makes you say that?

I've got you a present.

It's a mouse.

To remind you of when we first met.

Oh, that... That's lovely.

Can I put it on you?


OK. Yeah?

Would you turn around?

I can smell you now.

That looks nice.

Just going to get some crisps.

You seem nervous, Vicky.

Do I make you nervous? No.


Well, as I said,
I've not been on many dates,

because of my mother and
her condition.

But...can't be going out for
a romantic meal for two.

It's easy when your mum's bag needs
emptying every four hours.

Sounds draining.

It was, literally.

But she's passed, and so now

I'm free to start a new chapter,

so...every cloud.

Do you still have your mother?

How do you mean?
Is she still alive?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't think we ever really get...

What are you doing? Stop!

Sorry. Sorry!
We haven't even had our food!

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I thought I could skip a few steps,
and it would still be fine...

What do you mean, steps?

All right, Vicky, I'm going to
level with you, I've...

I never quite knew how to get to
the next step with women,

kind of, bedroom-wise, so...

...| did a pick-up course.

Yeah, it gives you structure,

tells you to demonstrate
higher value -

that's why I was, like,
talking about the Bitcoin stuff.

And then, it tells you to
throw in the odd neg.

Sor...what's a neg?

You know, like when I said
your dress was shit.

That was to make you, like,
like me more, or something.

I don't know why. I went to
the toilet in that bit. I missed it.


That's... That's very disappointing.

I think you've
let yourself down, Jai.

So, I've wasted my money
on these, then?

And the wine. f*ck's sake!

I think I'm just going to, er...

I'll set the table.

I'm not being funny, Vicky,

but I don't even want the lasagne.

It's not what I came here for,
you know what I mean?

I'm surprised that people are
even thinking of going on dates

at the minute, what with all
this stuff in the news.

They must be either very brave
or very stupid.

Are you negging ME now?

No, no, it's just, er,
an observation...

Lonely Hearts k*ller.

I hate that name.

Cos it makes me sound
like a victim.

And that's not me.

And I refuse to end up
like my mother.

Oh, God...

There's so many nasty men out there.

But there's one good thing...

...I've found about dating
sites like these.

If a person's not good
enough for you...

...just...swipe left.
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