11x24 - Red Robins

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Jeffersons". Aired: January 18, 1975 – July 2, 1985.
Spinoff series from "All in the Family" is about literal upward mobility of couple George and Louise Jefferson who move into a swanky high-rise building.
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11x24 - Red Robins

Post by bunniefuu »

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Okay, you have your
Red Robin's uniform

and your Red Robin

Now show us
your Red Robin smile.

Oh, good. Now try out
your Red Robin
sales pitch on me.

But you always
buy my candies.

Well, pretend
I'm Mrs. Jones,

your customer, okay?

Now, knock on my door.

Come in.
Hello, Grandma.

No, the name is Jones.
Now, try again.

Come in.

Hello, Grandma Jones.

No, I'm Mrs. Jones.

Oh, Helen, what does
it matter?

Florence, come over here
and be Mrs. Jones.

Child, I'll be happy
to go anywhere
and be Mrs. Anybody.

Jessica is practicing
her sales pitch.

Go ahead, dear.

Hello, Mrs. Jones, I'm...

Now, don't forget
your last name and what
flock you're from.

Hello, I'm...

And don't forget
to tell her about your

Coco Doodle-Doos and
your Mini Nanna-Mints.

Hello, I'm...

And that your flock
will win a trip
to Rochester

for the Red Robin Jamboree
if they sell cases.


And don't forget to end
with a cheery
"Have a nice day."

Have a nice day.

Is she a salesman
or what?

She can't miss.
Unless you two decide
to go with her.

Oh, Florence,
will you get that?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Miss Jefferson,

but this Red Red Robin's
going bob-bob-bobbin' along.

Oh, hi, Tom. Come in.

Hi, everybody.
HELEN: Hi, darling.

Hi, Grandpa.
Hi, sweetheart.

How's the sales
campaign coming?

Are you kidding?
She's a natural.

She's going to make
me the proudest
nest mother ever.

Do you want to buy
some candies?

I'll take boxes.

Am I a salesman or what?

What flavor?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

They'll all end up
in the same place.

You know, Jessica,

it was an
organization just like

the Red Robins
that taught me
the values of,

oh, camaraderie, honor,
and compassion
for my fellow man.

Oh, you were in the
Cub Scouts?

No, the Young Yachtsmen.

Oh, those were the days.
Racing with the wind.

The spray of the ocean
on your face.

Everything would
have been just
perfect if I could have

just gotten
that darn knot right.

Oh, well,
those nautical knots
are tough.

I meant the knot in
my ascot.

I just couldn't
seem to get it.

All the other fellows
chided me unmercifully,

calling me horrible
names like "inept".

But I suffered through.
And, you know, Jessica.
I do miss my blazer.

Weez! Weez!
Hey, you're all here.

This is perfect.
Guess who's coming over?

Cap Scanlon!

Who is Cap Scanlon?
Who is Cap Scanlon.

You might as well ask me,
"Who is Irv Ribner?"

I'll bite.
Who is Irv Ribner?

Irv Ribner
is the Cap Scanlon
of the West Coast.

Who is Cap Scanlon?

Only the Director of the
North American Dry-Cleaner's

Oh, that Cap Scanlon.
Silly me.

I ran into him
on rd Street.

He's in town visiting
his mother.

She lives in the building
next door,
so I invited him over.

Oh, goody.

This is a big
deal for me.

I'm glad you two are
here to take part in it.

Oh, well,
what can we do?

Get out.


Well! I never!
Come on, Helen.

We don't have to
stay here and
take this abuse.

Right, Jessica?

I'm going with them.
When Grandpa
Tom's upset, he eats.

Maybe I can
sell him some more candy.

Is that a salesman,
or what?

Okay. Why is this
such a big deal?

Because I'm one
of the four finalists
of the North American

Dry Cleaning
Man-of-the-Year Award.

I must have mentioned
that a time or two.

Or .

Well, anyway,
who do you suppose decides
who the winner is?

Let me guess.

Time's up. Cap Scanlon,
and he'll be
here any second.

Hey, you don't have time
to have your hair done, huh?

It's really not
necessary, George.

Because I have
no intention of
staying here

and watching you grovel
over some award.

Now, when have you
seen me grovel?

Look, when I flatter
somebody, it's
so subtle and natural

they don't even know
I'm doing it.

Hey, Cap,
you look fantastic!

You lose weight?

I gained eighty pounds.

No! Where? Turn around.

Come on in.

How are you doing?

I'm busier than a flea
at a dog show.

This the wife?

Hey, babe.

Nice to meet you, too.

She's the one
that showed me
that article you wrote.

You know the one
that said, "Now you can
laugh at berry stains."

I did?

Come on, Weez.
Don't be modest.

Remember you said
it was brilliant.

Yeah. I stunk up
a lot of shirts
sweating out

the angle on that one.

I mean, berry stains.

What can you
say about 'em that's
fresh and original?

Then it h*t me.
Write from the viewpoint
of the stain.


Well, if you'll excuse me.

I'm going to continue
this conversation

from the viewpoint
of the bedroom.

Great can on her.

Well, if there's
two things I know,

it's women and how
much I want to win that


So, Jefferson,
what's on your mind?

Well, I just wanted to
ask about that


Well, I won it twice,
' and ' consecutively.

You should've
won in ' , too.

That's right. I mean,
there's nothing
like takin' your kid

to see your name
on a plaque

at the Dry Cleaner's
Hall of Fame in...

I don't
know where it is now.

They lost their lease.

Well, I gotta get one!
What are my chances?

I'd say it was a lock.

Except for old lady
Cunningham from
Cunningham Cleaners.

Her? She makes
my blood curdle.

I like her.
Curdle with affection.
You know.

Well, you two are pretty
evenly matched up

in everything except for
community service.

What's wrong with my
community service?

You haven't done any.

What are you
talking about?

I've got
"Give a Hoot Don't Pollute"
stickers on all my vans.

Come on, Jefferson,
Cunningham's got
her mitts into every

youth group, from
the Cub Scouts to the
Future Dry Cleaners.

I mean, you'd actually
think she likes kids.

Look, maybe I could
persuade you over lunch
to see my point of view.

What can I serve you?
Filet mignon, veal shank,
a thousand bucks?

Hey, forget the bribes.
Forget the bribes, you know.

I mean, you've got
two weeks left.

Go out and find some
worthwhile organization.

Help some kids.
Show us you're
a decent human being

like the rest of us
dry cleaners.

Where are you going?
Can't you stick
around awhile?

Uh-uh. No. I've got
tickets for Triple-X
Nudie Cuties.

Maybe you and the wife
want to join me, huh?

No, thanks.
We already saw it.

Don't tell me
how it ends.

Community service.

Community service.

Is he gone yet?


Now, would you make
yourself scarce?

Jessica's Red Robin
flock is due over
any second.

Look, Weez,
don't bother me.

I'm trying to think of...
Wait, what did you say?

Jessica's Red Robin
flock is kicking off

their annual candy drive.

And since I'm nest
mother I've got to
get it organized.

Candy drive, huh?

Yes. They're pretty excited.

If they reach their goal
they get their
picture in the paper

and a free trip
to the jamboree in

Pictures in the paper?


Huh. You know
something, Weez,

you are a selfish,
selfish woman.


Look, we're supposed
to be a team, right?

First of all, you snuck
off and had Lionel
all by yourself,

and now you want to
snatch up the job of
being Jessica's nest mother.

What are you
rambling about?

Why can't I be Jessica's
nest mother?


I want to be
the nest mother.
I was a Boy Scout.

It can't be that
much different.

Believe me, George.
I don't think
you're ready for this.

Are you kidding?
How hard could it be?

All right, hold it.
Settle down or you don't
get any merit badges.

If you don't
settle down

you're not going to get
any ice cream.

Shut up and I'll give you
bucks apiece.

Grandpa, you should
have asked me.

I could've gotten them
to do it for five.

Now she tells me.

Okay. Now, what do
you guys wanna
do first?

Collect our bucks.

After the meeting.
If you're quiet.

Good, now, how do
you get these
meetings started?

We sing our
Red Robinsong.

Okay, go ahead
and start singing.

You have to
unlock her mouth.


Thank you.

Okay, now let's sing.
And a-one, and a-two...

Grandpa, we can't just stand
in a line and sing.

That looks dumb.

What should we do

Flap our wings
and fly around.


That doesn't look dumb.

Okay. Let's sing.
A-one, two, three, and...

ALL: The jolly Red Robins

and we couldn't be prouder

we're such good little birds

only louder!

Jolly Red Robins...

Okay, Okay, freeze, freeze,
cut it out!

How long does
this go on?

There's verses.

And they're all the same.

Only louder.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't we
save it and later

we'll go up and sing it
for Grandpa Willis?


Right now. Let's get this
meeting in order.

We can't.
Skipper's missing.

Where is Skipper?

In the bathroom.

When will she be out?

When she finishes
eating the soap.

What? Skipper,
get out here!

Mmm-hmm. Palmolive.
Go sit down.

Now do we have everyone?

Everyone except Chrissy.

And where is Chrissy?
In the closet.

What is she doing
in the closet?

You don't expect her
to do her cave paintings
in here, do you?

What are you trying
to do?

I'm trying to earn
my ancient art badge.

Look, you're not
supposed to draw
on the walls. Okay?

Okay, now I want
everybody to put their

hands in their laps
where I can see them.

Good. Now, the meeting's
called to order.

Nest Mother?
Yes, Melissa?

Nothing. I just wanted
to say "Nest Mother"
to a boy.

Okay. Okay, now you have.

Does anybody else
want to say anything?

I'm a maniac, maniac

What's wrong with her?

She's a maniac.

How long does this go on?

Till she knocks
herself out.

Well, I wish
she would stop.

Uh... The power
of a nest mother.

Okay, now,
let's talk jamboree.

ALL: Jamboree! Jamboree!

Okay. Now, what
is the one thing
standing between

you and Rochester?

You're supposed to say,

What? What? What? What?

A bunch of Fudgee-Nut
Doo-Dahs and some
Nilla-Whiz Candies.

ALL: Yuck!

What do you mean, "yuck"?

It can't be that bad.

Okay, okay, okay.
You know they stink.

And I know they stink.

But we can't let the
customers know that
they stink. Right?

ALL: Right!

So, while they're
having their
stomachs pumped out,

you'll be having
fun in Rochester.

ALL: Yay!

So, now let's
get out there and get
rid of this junk.

Okay, Red Robins...

Stand straight,
smile pretty,
and forward march.

Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right.

Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right.

Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left.


Spit it out.

Now, the next time
you get hungry for
a bar of soap,

try one of these.
Same ingredients.

But soap tastes better.

Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left...

Okay. Left, right.
Left, right. Left, right.

Left, right. Left...

Don't you know...
Excuse me, don't
you know any other songs?

Well, will you sing
that one?


and we couldn't be prouder

Wait a minute.

I sent you out
with boxes of candy,

you came back with .
How did that happen?

We got hungry,
so we stopped and
bought some good ones.

I can't believe
you couldn't sell
one box of candy.

What did you say
to the people?

Will you buy these?
My mom won't.

What kind of
salesmanship is that?

You should be ashamed
to call yourselves
Red Robins.

We have been for months.

Where's your pride?

Pride is for
Camp f*re Girls.

Look, that's no attitude
for somebody
who wants to jamboree.

If it was me,
I would stand up tall and
tell the whole wide world,

that I'm proud to be your
nest mother.

And I'll be even prouder
when we get
rid of all these candies.

But how, Grandpa?
People hate Mini-Nanna Mints.

Uh... Let me tell you
the secret of
good salesmanship.

You're not
selling candy.

You're selling
charm and personality.

Nobody likes me.
Use that.

Oh, you mean like
I should say I won't
go away until

they buy some candy?

Well, look, I'm not
going to tell you
what to say,

but if it was my
jamboree, I would sell
me some candy.

Because a good salesman
always knows
the way. Right?

ALL: Right!

I have the best idea.

I'm sure your
Fudgee-Nut Doo-Dahs
are superb,

but I'm not
a candy man myself.

Now, if you should start
selling crumpets,
let me know.


Thanks for buying
five boxes, sir.

I hope you get
the one with the lucky
hundred-dollar bill in it.


Sweet birds, I have
been visited by
every Robin in your flock.

And while I applaud
your persistence,
I detest your candies.

Are you sure you
don't want any candy?

I'm sure. Goodbye.

I guess you're going
to have to go to
the pound after all.

Oh, well...

Maybe I could use a box.


Whose mutt is
this anyway?

In the name of decency,
I beg you,
leave me alone!

Will you buy these?
My mom won't.

They don't let her have
candy in...

Intensive Care.

Go away.

We know how to get
out of these.

I'll bet you don't.
Wanna buy some candy?

ALL: The jolly Red Robins

and we couldn't be prouder

any words...

Would you look at this?

Listen to this.
Record sales!
Profits rolling in!

This has been the
greatest day in the history
of Red Robins.

ALL: Yay!

Aw, heck,
in the history of candy.

ALL: Yay!

And it took a lot
of sweat, ingenuity,
but most of all,

it took a lot of
service to the community.


What do you mean?

Ah, nothing.
That's just something
that's important to us

future Dry Cleaners
of the Year.

Well, you Red Robins
look like you had
a hard day's work.

How about
coming into the kitchen
and sharing

some of that candy
I bought from you?

ALL: Yuck!

Okay, how about
coming in the kitchen
for some cottage cheese?

ALL: Yay!

Kids nowadays
sure are different.

Hey, Weez, this has
been the greatest
day of my life.

It's been the worst day
of mine.

Look, I'm going to make
you happy.

We sold all that candy.

I know. I've been
badgered by everyone
in this building.

Oh, they liked it, huh?

Not exactly.
George, do you know

what your little
Robins did to sell
that candy?

Beats me. But I just
told them to do anything.

Oh, and they did
anything, and more.

I don't think
poor Mr. Oliver will
ever find his toupee

in the dumpster.

And Mrs. Devorkin is
still picking the gum
off her cockapoo.

Ha! It's a small price to pay
to be named Dry Cleaner
of the Year, Weez.

Wait a minute.
I thought when you
took over the flock,

you did it to
help the little Robins.

Help 'em?
Except for Jessica,

they're all a bunch of
little monsters!

But it'll sure look good
on my resume for
community service.

So that's it.
George, if I thought
you were doing this

for your stupid award,

I would have never turned
the flock over to you.

But, Weez,
we were on the same

That's why
I didn't tell you.

I'm going to deal
with you later.

Red Robins!

Girls, I understand
you've been
selling some candy.

We got Hershey's
shaking in their boots.

Yes, but the difference
between you and Hershey's,

they behave themselves.


"Uh-oh" is right.
Chrissy, Melissa.



I would like the
three of you to recite
the Red Robin motto.

A Red Robin is as
good as gold.

Kind to neighbors
and friends.

And true as
the b*at-b*at-b*at
of her heart.

Have we been that today,
Red Robins?

ALL: No.

Do you really think
you deserve to go
to that jamboree?

ALL: No.

But, Grandma,
I didn't do anything wrong.

Well, you went along
with them.
And that was just as bad.

Now, we won't have
any complaining.

There'll be another
jamboree next year.

And maybe you can
go to that, honestly.

Well, Red Robins.

I guess you better
get back to your
cottage cheese.

You were pretty
hard on them,
don't you think, Weez?

Not as hard as I'm going
to be on you.

Do you know
you cost those girls
a trip to Rochester?

Oh, it's lousy this
time of year anyway.

Besides I'm still gonna
be Dry Cleaner of the Year.

Hey, Cap!
You lost more weight!

If you lose anymore
there won't be
anything of you left.

Hey, I was just
about to call you.

Remember when you
were here before,

and you mentioned
something about this
community service thing?

Yeah. I know all about
your community service.

Hey, good news
travels fast.

Yeah, and bad news
travels faster.

Get me out of these.
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