03x11 - Mom City

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ted Lasso". Aired: August 14, 2020 to present.
Shop Ted Lasso Merch Here

Small town American football coach Ted hired to manage a British soccer team—despite having no experience.
Post Reply

03x11 - Mom City

Post by bunniefuu »

- [PERSON] Hello, there.
- Hey, there.

- Hi, Ted.
- Howdy.

Hey, Ted. Good luck this weekend.

I appreciate you, Susan. [CHUCKLES]


Hey, Ms. Barnaby. Rough night?

Ted, if it's not rough, it isn't fun.


Ooh, boy.

- Hiya.
- Hey, fellas. How you doing?

- [PERSON ] What's up, Coach?
- There she is.

Hey, w*nk*r. Don't get all cocky
and f*ck up that streak you're on.

What streak?

- Go Richmond.
- Yes, sir. [CHUCKLES]


Hey. How you doing?

- Mom?
- Hey, Teddy.


Don't think the cleaners
actually cleaned the floor.

There are no cleaners.

So, why do we put the
chairs on the tables?

The patriarchy.

Oh, okay. Oh, well. I'll
just, um... just go get a broom.




We're not open for another half
hour. Would you care to wait not here?

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

- No, wait.

We're actually here to speak with
Nathan Shelley. He works here, yeah?

- No such man exists.

Oh, my God, it's true.

[STAMMERS] How did you go
through your money so fast?

Did you get addicted to the limelight?

What? No. No, I just...
I just like working here.

I like spending time with my girlfriend.

She was right there.

- That... That was my girlfriend. She...
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

What are you guys doing here?

We want you to come back to Richmond.

- You do?
- Yeah, bruv.

'Cause this shit here is sad as f*ck.

And a-all of you?
You want me to come...

Yeah. It'll be good to have you back.

The whole team talked
about it, and it was unanimous.

Except for Bumbercatch.

Who abstained because he's
passionately antidemocratic.

Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]


So, what? Ted asked you guys
to come here to get me to come back?

Uh, no, Ted doesn't know about it.

Yeah, no, we wanted to ask
you to see if you wanted to come back

before we approached Ted.

Okay, well, sorry, guys.

I don't think it's a good idea
for me to come back to Richmond, so...

Thank you though.


- Okay.
- Cool.

Can I have kebabs to go?

Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, of
course. Um, chicken, pork or lamb?


Or of each? [STAMMERS]


- Okay.

- Nice.
- Hey.

- Thank you!


[MOM] Pretty sparse.


Ooh. Mmm.

What are all these crazy
symbols on your oven dial?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, um, well, the one with

the line under the nuclear power symbol,

that's for making cookies and chicken.

The, uh, three squiggly
lines let you burn a frozen pizza.

And the key symbol there,
that makes the whole thing beep

until Beard comes
over and fixes it for me.

Is everything okay, Mom?

Oh, sure. I'm just looking around.

No, no. No, I mean, you being
here in London. Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah. Everything's fine.
- Uh-huh.

I just always wanted to see England,

so I booked this trip as a little
Mother's Day gift to myself.

Hmm. Okay. Well, um, I
mean, how long you been here?

- Just a week.
- A week? Where the heck you staying?

This adorable little hostel.

- Mom...
- Now, I met so many Australians.

They are backpacking through Europe.

- Uh-huh.
- So much sex.

- Mom.
- No, not me.

- The Australians.
- No, no, I get it. Okay.

Uh, well, look, how about you stay here

for the rest of your trip, all right?

Only if I'm not a hassle.

You're not a hassle, Mom,
okay? Please stay here.

- Okay.
- Okay, good. All right.

- Now, look, I gotta get to work.
- All righty. Have fun.

Um. You wanna tag along?

- Well, I don't wanna be in your hair.
- Mom, I want you in my hair. Okay?

I want you in my friends'
and coworkers' hair.

Now, please. Come on with.

- Okay, thank you. I would like that.
- All right, good.

You don't have to
bring your suitcase, Mom.

- Okay. I'll just grab my coat...
- Yeah.

... get my bag... [SINGSONGS]
... leave my worries on the doorstep.

Yeah, just direct your
feet that way, Mom. Okay. [GROANS]

Uh, Sam, Richmond
have won matches in a row.

With two games left,
you're just four points off

Manchester City for
the Premier League title.

- Do you have a question?
- Yeah. Am I dreaming?


Uh, well, if you are,
please, don't wake up.

And if this is the
Matrix, don't unplug me.


Uh. Yeah, better Trent.

Uh, Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.

Uh. Jamie, on the heels
of making your England debut,

how does it feel to be named
Premier League Player of the Month?

Uh. Um, yeah. Uh,
yeah. It feels good, I guess.

But it's, um... it's really
the-the team making me look good.

So, I should be doing a better
job of making them look good, really.

So, yeah. Makes me... Makes me feel bad.


Uh, Jamie also led the
league in assists this month,

so he's done plenty to make
his teammates look good.

Yeah, but they're the ones
who took all the sh*ts.

Uh, he also scored a goal.

Uh, that was meant to be
a pass. You shouldn't count that.

That goal is a lie. It should
be retracted from the records.

I apolog... I apologize to
everyone, especially the kids.


Right, let's call it there, everyone.
That was great. Thanks very much.

- Hey, Boss.
- Oh, hello, Ted.

Uh, so this morning, I
don't just bring biscuits.

I also have a very
special surprise guest.

Oh. How exciting. To whom
do I owe the pleasure?

I'm Coach Lasso's new bodyguard.

Please keep your hands
where I can see them.

- [CHUCKLES] I'm just kidding.

You can keep them well-manicured
mitts of yours wherever you like.

- Oh, my God. You're Ted's mother.

Winner, winner, B. F. Skinner.


Mom, this is my boss, Rebecca
Welton. Rebecca, this is Dottie Lasso.

- Oh, honey, bring that in.

- Oh. [LAUGHS]

I can't believe I'm finally getting
to meet the woman who created

one of the nicest humans I've ever met.

Oh, no, don't look at me.

This one popped out and immediately

asked the doctor if he needed anything.


[CHUCKLES] That doesn't make any sense.

Babies can't talk and nor do they
understand empathy. And you know...

[STAMMERS] Dottie... I'm
sorry. May I call you Dottie?

Sure, if you want me to respond.

Right. If you'd like, I'd
love to show you around.

Oh, I've heard great things
about the Sherlock Holmes Museum.

I mean around the facility.

Even better. I can't
wait to meet Dani Rojas.

Oh, and he does not disappoint.

- [CHUCKLES] Shall we?


- Where you from, honey?
- Surrey.

Where are you from?

- Surrey.
- Oh, I thought you said "sorry."




So I say,

"Officer, you must be mistaken.

You couldn't have arrested my son.
My son is asleep in his own bed."


Are you sure you do not
want a kebab, Mama Lasso?

Oh, no, thank you, Dani.

You are so polite.

- [DOTTIE] Okay, now bear with me.


It must be so lovely having
your mother visiting, Ted.

Oh, yeah. It's great.

- Oklahoma.
- Oh, no. It's weird.

Mm-mmm. Didn't even
tell me she was coming.

Just showed up out of nowhere,
you know, like one of them

weird eyebrow hairs I started
getting the day after I turned .

Mmm. That's what mothers do, Ted.


So it turns out my -year-old
son was not asleep in his own room.

He had taken our car for a joyride.

Now, he was arrested for driving
on the wrong side of the road,

so I guess he was destined
to live in England.


Now, see, I wasn't .

I was . And the whole
reason we got pulled over

was 'cause Ronnie Fowch was throwing
g*ng signs at a cop car. [SIGHS]

Look, sometimes the truth can
ruin a perfectly good story.

- Yeah, you should work for the Daily Mail.

Ted, if you can give your
mom one lovely moment,

you know, a memory to take
back home, then you've won.

- Hmm. Yeah, all right. Thanks, Boss.

Right. I've got to go and
see a man about a horse.

Oh. I didn't know girls said that
when they gotta pee. [CHUCKLES]

- No, Ted, I'm buying a horse.
- Oh.


Hey, did Teddy ever tell you about the

time he ate a candy bar made of poop?

- Ooh!
- Oh! Okay, okay! All right.

I think that's enough story time
with Mama Lasso, all right, fellas?

- Practice starts in twenty minutes.

Up you go.

- Nice to meet you, Mama Lasso.
- Nice to meet you.

Hey, Mom. I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go change, and then
I'll take you out to the pitch.

Okay, honey. I'll be here.

Mrs. Lasso, I just wanted to
introduce myself. I'm Trent Crimm.

- Oh, hello, Trent.
- Hello.

I was wondering if I could, uh,

just have a little
chat with you about...

Trent, your hair is fabulous.

- It really is. It's just styling.
- [TRENT] Thank you. Thank you.

- Van Damme.

- Hmm?
- You still gotta wear that mask?

Yeah, I do, man. Or else I die.


Between wearing that mask
and death, I choose death.

- It does make you look very stupid.

- Oh, well. Thank you, Jan Maas.



Oh, you wanna take a cr*ck, Jamie?

I think it's more important
to be safe than to look cool.

Oi! Tartt.

Boot room. Now!

Somebody is in trouble.

Shouting is Roy's love language.



- [ROY] All right. Listen up.

This is not the week for your mister

f*cking humble, great teammate bullshit.

We got City on Saturday, so we
need you to be the prickiest prick

you've ever been in
your little prick life.

- You understand? So I don't want you...

- Whoa. What is wrong?

I don't... I don't know. I don't
know. I don't know. I don't know.

Are you f*cking dying or some shit?

No. No. I'm... No. I'm
just... I'm just tired.

But I can't sleep, and I can't eat.

And I wash me hair, but I don't
use any conditioner anymore

'cause I... Like,
what's the f*cking point?

I feel like the guy in
the Red Bull commercial

who's pu... who's pushing
that big rock up the hill,

but... but he's lost his wings.

Roy, I feel like... I feel
like I've lost me wings, Roy.

the f*ck are my wings, Roy?




- Will? [SIGHS]
- Yeah?

You missed a good one.


Oh, boy.

[DOTTIE] ... that you've ever
seen. You know, I even...

Oh, my God, Coach. Our new
striker looks just like your mom.

That is my mom.

I know, Ted. That was a joke.

Oh. Right.

Hey, Ted. Got a sec?

What is time, Higgs boson? What's up?

So, this morning,

a few of my little birdies went
to visit Nathan in his new job,

waiting tables in Tooting.

- Tooting?
- Tooting.

- Did he just say "Tooting"?
- Tooting.

- Y'all got a town here called "Tooting"?
- Tooting, yes.

- Man, this place is great, right?
- Mmm.

Yeah. Sorry, what were
you saying about Nate?

The little birdies are pretty
sure he'd come back if invited.

Uh-huh. Okay. What do you think?

Well, I do believe in
second chances, Ted.

That's why I'm still married,
and all my sons are alive.


Hey, Roy. Would it bother
you if we brought Nate back?

No. I don't give a f*ck.

He's great at the shit I suck at.
Look, I've gotta go and do something.

Okay. Everything all right?

Yeah. I've just come down with a case

of the "none of your f*cking business."

Right, right. Okay.
What about you, Coach?

- You all right if Nate comes...
- If you bring that Judas back,

I will burn this place
to the f*cking ground.


- [TRENT] Ted?
- Mm-hmm?

Is it true that you got onstage
and danced with Bruce Springsteen?

No, that was Courteney Cox.

What I did do was sing "Glory Days"
with a Bruce Springsteen cover band

at my friend Scott
Cinnamon's bar mitzvah.

Oh, it was the bar mitzvah. That's
right. It was the bar mitzvah.

- Is this your mom?
- Yeah.

Oh, it is so nice to meet you.

Oh, friends don't shake hands.

- Friends hug. [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, weirdo Beard-o! Ah!
- Lodi Dodi! [LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] Come on, bring
it on in. There you go.

- Trent, come along.
- ♪ Lodi Dodi, she like to party ♪

- ♪ She don't cause trouble ♪
- Whoo!

[COACH BEARD] ♪ Don't bother nobody ♪


- Some of us got a football team to coach!
- [COACH BEARD] Whoo-hoo!

[ALL] ♪ Lodi Dodi, she like to party ♪

♪ She don't cause trouble ♪
♪ Don't bother nobody ♪


Oh, hello. [CHEWS] Are
you here about the pipes?

No. What's wrong with the pipes?


That's why I thought it was so weird

that you were here about the pipes.

Roy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk. [SIGHS]


Oh, no. Not about us. I just...

I need your help with Jamie.

He's all f*cked in the head.
And I've tried to do it myself,

but it's all that emotional
shit you're good at.

Also... you look nice.

You want my help with Jamie?

Yeah, and you look nice.


Um, both of you.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Thank you.

That's... [CHUCKLES] This cost like...

like two pounds from
a car boot sale, so...

All right.

... you know, thank you.



This place is very charming.

Reminds of this Irish
bar I went to in Topeka.

Well, you probably don't
wanna share that with me.

The Irish part or the Topeka part?

Both, really.



Oh. My turn. Excuse me. [CHUCKLES]


Trying to follow the yellow brick road,

where the dogs of
society keep on howling.

How's he doing?

[SIGHS] Well, I'm ahead, but he's
better set up for the multiball.

[CHUCKLES] No, silly
pants. How's he doing?

Well, he's Ted.

Still running around in circles,

making sure everybody's okay without

accepting a drop of help for himself.

Pretty much. How you doing, Dottie?

[STAMMERS] Oh, don't you worry about me.

Nah, y'all got enough cooking without

putting my troubles on your to-do list.

- Here you go.
- Ooh, thank you, Mae.

[COACH BEARD] Cheers, Mae.

Oh. Mae, your pub is wonderful.

It's nothing like that
Irish place in Topeka.

- [CHUCKLES] I'll take your word for it.
- Mm-hmm.

So, you seeing anyone?

Had my heart ripped out of
my chest, stomped into a pulp,

and dragged through the town
square for everyone to ridicule.

Oh, sweetie. That's okay,
you'll meet somebody.

No, I'm in love.

- Oh.
- Here. Wanna see a picture?

- Sure.

Your mum's a peach.

Oh, yeah. I... Thanks.

Um, here, I'll... I'll swap
with you. There you are.

You know, Ted, pinball is a lot
more fun if you use an actual ball.


Yeah. Well, I... you know, I was

letting Coach and my
mom catch up a little.

- That's all.
- [MAE] Mmm.


"They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to,
but they do." [CHUCKLES]

"They fill you with the faults they had

and add some extra just for you."

[CHUCKLES] "But they were
f*cked up in their turn

by fools in old-style hats and coats,

who half the time were soppy-stern
and half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can and
don't have any kids yourself."



Hey, Ted. Your mum's the bollocks.

We just became friends on Facebook.

I didn't know you were almost
the drummer in Coldplay.

Oh, yeah. It's true. It's true.

- It's amazing. It's incredible!


[BAZ] No way.



I can't take your bed, Teddy.

Mom, it's okay, all right?
I'll just sleep on the couch.

No, I'll sleep on the couch.

Well, then I'm gonna sleep
on the floor next to the couch, and

neither of us are gonna use the bed.


- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Not on the bed.

Okay. [STRAINS] Okay. Okay.

- Hey, I brought you something.

What? On the off chance
we'd bump into each other?

No, it's your clippings from back home.


I thought you'd want those.

[CHUCKLES] I appreciate it.

[SIGHS] So, what's your plan tomorrow?

Hmm? Yeah, do you wanna
come to Manchester with us?

[SIGHS] I don't know.

I mean, coming all the way to
England and not seeing a soccer match

is kind of like going to
Rome and not going to church

or getting your pocket picked.

Oh. Well, thank you, but I
think I'll just stay here.

I didn't get much sleep last week,
what with all that noisy sex from...

- not me... the Australians.
- The Australians.

- Yes, no, I remember.
- Yeah. Exactly.

And you know how nervous I get
when I'm watching your games.

So I think I'll just stay put

and let you go b*at the pants
off those Manchesterians.


And then I'll have a home-cooked meal

waiting for you when you get back.

It's been too long.

Yeah. No, that'll be nice. Okay. Um...

Well, then I'll see you in the morning.

Hey, um...

[SIGHS] Are you still
having those, um, episodes?

- [STAMMERS] You know.
- Oh, the panic att*cks.


Um. No, no. Uh, not recently.

You know, I've actually been,
uh, talking to this therapist.

Ooh, let me guess. It's
all my fault. [CHUCKLES]

No, Mom. No, of course not.
No, but uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I mean, it's...
uh, it's really helped.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Yeah. You, uh... You ever
thought about talking to someone?

Oh, no. That is not my cup of
tea. And you know I love my tea.

[CHUCKLES] Good night, Mom.

Good night, sweetie. Oh,
and thank you for the bed.

You're welcome.


Hey, hot dog. Y'all joining us today?

- Well, we're all in this together, Ted.
- Yeah.

I also received a strongly
worded text from Nora

demanding I stop using my private jet.


- The environment.
- Oh, yeah.

- g*dd*mn environment.
- Yeah.


All right.



- Hey.
- How's he doing?


f*cking hell.

I'll talk to him.

- Right.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Let our journey commence.


Look at Ken. Boy, he
cleans up nice, don't he?

- You should see him in drag.
- Really?

There you go. Well, um, take your time.

And while you wait,
do snack on some nuts.

And I'll... I'll be
back with your drinks.

- All right?
- Thank you.

Hey, hey. [STAMMERS] Oi, oi, oi.
[CHUCKLES] Do you know who this is?

Your son?

What? No. [SCOFFS]

Our waiter?

Bloody hell, you two are a right pair.

No, I mean do you know who he was?

- I don't know.
- [SOFTLY] Uh...

Only the manager of West
Ham United. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, right. You're the Wonder Kid.

Yes, that's it. I said Wonder Kid.

This man right here went from
kit man to assistant coach,

to manager, to top of the league,
and now he's my head waiter.

I'm... [STAMMERS] I'm so sorry.

Anyway, nice talking to you.

[CLEARS THROAT] Please try the fish.

We've got a ton of it
out back. [CHUCKLING]

- All right. Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish.
- [CHUCKLES] Yep, yep.

Was it dr*gs? I done dr*gs. I get it.

No, no. No, I just...
I just like working here.

And that's my girlfriend. [MUTTERS]

Um. Anyway, um, enjoy the nuts.

I'll, uh... I'll go and
get your drinks, okay?

Definitely dr*gs.

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

But which ones?




- Can I come in?
- Y-Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Come in. Yeah, yeah. Ok...
Yeah, what's up, yeah?

I just wanted to come
and see how you're doing.

Roy told you.

Well, he's worried
about you. Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

I'm fine. I'm... I'm
good. I'm... I'm great.

In fact, I think I'm the
best that I've ever been.

- You know?

something so sad about a suitcase.

Do you know what I mean? It's like...

It's like a drawer without a home.


- Hey, Jamie. Look at me.

- You've got a lot going on right now.
- Mm-hmm. There's a lot going on, yeah.

This is the first time you've
played back home since you left.

- The crowd's gonna hate you.

And the person who's gonna be booing

the loudest in the crowd is your dad.

I didn't think of that. Yeah.

And I know a lot of people are
shit-talking your hair online.

- They're what?
- [STAMMERS] No! Think about it.

If you guys win tomorrow,

then you will be on the
precipice of achieving everything

that you've ever dreamed of.

- Oh, my God.
- Whoa, shit!

- Sorry, Jamie. Ooh!


- [WHISPERS] Oh, cheers.

[SNIFFS] How'd it go with Jamie?

Yeah, I f*cked it. I made it worse.

Ah, shit.

Hello, Roy and Keeley.

Good to see you both next
to each other like before.

[WHISPERS] No. We're just
sitting together as friends.

- Yeah, and she just looks very nice.

Nora Ephron.

- I'm saying my apology.
- Who?

Carl Bernstein's ex.


- [ACTOR] Don't cry, Shop Girl. Don't cry.


I wanted it to be you.


it to be you so badly.



I mean, Sleepless in Seattle
is still a far superior film.

- Not now.
- I'm just saying.

[TED] Whoo!

All right. Listen up, you big softies.

: p.m., lights out. Then
get yourselves some beauty sleep

for tomorrow's big
meet-cute with Man City,

- you hear?
- Whoo!

All right, Ephron on
three. One, two, three!

- [ALL] Ephron!
- [TED] There you go.

- [PLAYER ] Ah, that was Dave Chappelle.
- Yeah.

[TED] Not bad, yeah? Hey,
y'all seen that before?

- [TED] First time? First time, yeah?
- [PLAYER ] First time.

[TED] It's a goody. It was a goody.

You gotta see Sleepless in Seattle,
though. You know, this is why...



The f*ck is he?

I don't know. You've lost him.

- You said he went down here.
- I did not. You said that.

[ROY] No. I said he's in a tunnel,

- I didn't say he was in this tunnel.
- Well, there's no other tunnel, is there?

I don't believe it.
You've lost Jamie Tartt.

- You can't lose Jamie Tartt.
- Well, you have.

- [JAMIE] Oi!

- f*cking hell!
- Why are you following me?

Just wanted to make sure
you're okay, you prick.

What's going on, Jamie?
Are you buying dr*gs?


Come on.



- Are you joking? Oi!
- [CHILD] How'd you miss?

- Are you Jamie Tartt?
- Yeah.

More like Jamie Fart.

- Screw you, dickhead! Prick!
- [CHILD ] Yeah, who are you?

City's gonna f*ck you up tomorrow.

[CHILD ] Yeah, you
spaz. You little twat!

- Yeah, it's not for you, p*ssy!
- Yeah, go on!

- [CHILD ] Walk. Bye!
- [CHILD ] Bye.

[CHILD ] I smell your bum from here.


Good lads.

- Oh, my gosh!

- Oh! Come on!
- That was sick!

- Yeah! Come on!



Hey! Jamie!

How you doing, Simon?

- Uh, this is Keeley, that's Roy.
- Come on in, come on in.

- How are you, mate? Good seeing you, man.
- Yeah, great.

- [SIMON] Hello.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, hello.


Georgie, we've got visitors.

[GEORGIE] What was that,
love? Someone at the door?

[JAMIE] Hello, Mommy.

- [SCREAMS] Jamie! Oh!

Mommy, I'd like to introduce you to
Keeley, and this hairy prick's Roy.

- Hi.
- Hey, you.

Hi! Oh, it's lovely to
finally meet you both.

I'd come and give you a hug, but
I'm not letting go of this one.


Oh, there they go. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Right, who wants some sweet treats?

Look at your gorgeous face. I love it.

- Oh! How have you been? Look at you.
- [JAMIE] Oh, Mom. You look...


[JAMIE] It was just poopy. [STAMMERS]
You know, it really upset me.

This guy on Twitter, he kept
saying that it was blonde,

but I'm like, "It's
f*cking walnut mist, mate."

- Yeah, obviously.
- Yeah.

He's done a lovely
job. It's d*ad natural.


- What do you think?
- Mmm, it's really yummy.

- Hey.
- Uh, it's f*cking...

- [STAMMERS] ... delicious.
- Mmm.

Oh. Well, it's a Paul Hollywood recipe,

but I've gone a little
bit rogue on it. [CHUCKLES]

- Mmm.
- Right.

Babes, do you wanna give Roy
and Keeley the grand tour?

[CHUCKLES] You know,
show them around a bit.

- Yes! Good idea. Thank... Oops! [CHUCKLES]

Right, follow me. We
will start in the kitchen,

- aka my laboratory. [CHUCKLES]
- [KEELEY] Ooh.

[SIMON] I've just got a new, uh,
bain-marie, and it's copperplated.

[KEELEY] Wow. What does that
mean? It sounds expensive.


Have you ever considered doing a
happy hour at the Taste of Athens?

I've literally never thought about work

the second after leaving work. [SIGHS]

Or even while there, really.


I don't think you should
work there anymore.

Why? I'm a great waiter.

Yes. It's weird how
great of a waiter you are.

But you're a coach. They
want you back at Richmond.

You should go.


Thing is, it didn't really
end too well for me there.

I think a lot of that was
my fault. Well, it was...

it was all my fault. [SCOFFS]

Look, after this season, I'll
try and get another coaching job,

just... just not at Richmond, okay?

I w... I promi... I will.
I promise. I just... Yeah.


Yeah? You hungry? Do you want food?

Oh, dunno. Can I have some
nuts while I think about it?

Right. Where are... Where are they?

Here's the genius behind the nuts, okay?

They make people thirsty. Yeah?

I'm giving away, what, five p on
nuts and taking in five quid on beer.

That's smart. Right?

Why am I the only person
thinking about this stuff?

You doing all right?

Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine.


[CHUCKLES] Come on. Out with it.

You heard from Dad?


Haven't heard from that
human ball sack in ages.



[SWALLOWS] No, not since Wembley.

Thought I was finally rid of him, but...


... I always did what I did...

because f*ck him, you know?

And... And now that I don't give
a shit about him, it's like...

Y-You know when some guys can't
make their willies go hard?

Oh, you mean impotent?

Yeah. It's like I got that, but...

but it's like I got it in...

It's like I got it in my soul.

And here is the main
attraction. Jamie's room.



- f*cking hell.
- Ah, yes.

Many posters have come
and gone over the years.

Henry, Gerrard, Ronaldo.

But Roy Kent always remains.

- Huh.

Oh! Meat pies are done. Excuse me.


f*cking hell.


your father, he is who he is.

And he is never, ever,
ever gonna change.

And like it or not,

you've ended up being who you are
so that you can prove him wrong.

And you are amazing.

You are.

[CRYING] When you come on for England...


Oh. Jesus, Jamie, I

- I bawled me f*cking eyes out. [CHUCKLES]

And, yeah, your dad will
be in the stands tomorrow,

pissed out of his head,
rooting against you.

And it won't matter.

You don't have anything
to prove to that toerag.


You're not lost, my sexy little baby.


You're just not sure which
direction you're going in... yet.



[SIGHS] This is f*cking weird.

There's a lot of weird to choose
from. Can you be more specific?

You and me...

sitting on Jamie
Tartt's childhood bed...

being all f*cking concerned
about him and shit.

Yeah. Good on us, Roy-o.

Thanks, bud.

You're welcome, pal. [CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna be friends.

- You don't?
- Uh-uh.

I don't wanna be just friends.

- Roy...

Well, guys, I think we
should probably get...

- Uh, you good to go?
- Yeah.


Right. [GRUNTS]



- [JAMIE] I love you.
- [GEORGIE] I love you.

- [JAMIE] Good to see you.
- [GEORGIE] Good to see you too.

[GROANS] Right.

Hey, listen to me.

I don't care if you lose
by ten goals tomorrow.

I just want you to be happy. Okay, Son?

Okay. Love you, Mommy. [KISSES]

I love you.

[JAMIE] Mmm. See you soon.

See you soon. All right, come on.

- Off you go. Go home.
- All right. Bye.

It was great to meet you.


- One for the road.
- [KEELEY] Ooh. This way, babe.

See you later. [KISSES]
Love... Love you.

[ROY] We should go and
have cocktails. [CHUCKLES]

... the latest in workout
technology like yoga mats!

- [KEELEY] Manchester has much to offer

when it comes to arts and culture,

including the Greater
Manchester Police Museum!

The rainy city is also known as
well for science and technology,

for it was right here in

that Ernest Rutherford
first split the atom.

And you'll split your sides laughing
at Manchester's many comedy clubs

and improvised m*rder mystery
dinner theaters. And, of course...


[KEELEY] ... your trip wouldn't be

complete without
heading to Etihad Stadium,

- home of the Manchester... [VOICE FADES]
- [FANS SINGING] ♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ You saw me standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream in my heart ♪

♪ Without a love of my own ♪


♪ I said, blue moon ♪
♪ You saw me standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream in my heart ♪
♪ Without a love of my own... ♪

Richmond should have a classic
old song for our fans to sing.

- Hmm.
- Oh, we did.

Uh, when Freddie Mercury
briefly owned the team in ,

he tried to make "Fat Bottomed
Girls" the team anthem.

- Didn't work out.

Did a bunch of people get offended?

Just the flat-bottomed girls really.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

My father went to art
school with Freddie Mercury.

- What?
- Mmm.

I mean, everyone always talks about

his amazing four-octave vocal range.

But my father always insisted

that if you actually asked Freddie
what his greatest talent was,

he would've said flipping straights.

- [BOTH] Come on, Richmond!
- You lads still have a way!


- Hey! Hey!

Hey, thanks for saving us a seat.
How long have you been waiting?

Mae let me sleep here last night.

- How many beers do you want?
- Three, Mae.

How many beers do you want if you
can't order again before halftime?

[ALL] Twelve.

[ARLO] Welcome, everyone. Today,
Manchester City hosts AFC Richmond.

A first-ever win at the Etihad Stadium

for the Greyhounds, however unlikely,

leaves the door open next
week for Ted Lasso's men

to complete the Cinderella story
their fans have been dreaming of.

Oh, there he is. Look at him.

[ARLO] The City faithful
are letting Jamie Tartt know

how they feel about their former player

who left them for reality television.

- Welcome home, dickhead! [LAUGHS]

[ARLO] Perhaps not the homecoming
he might have dreamt of.

Oh, boy.

Come on, Son. That's it,
that's it. f*cking bastards.

[ARLO] City can clinch the
title with a win today.

A loss makes things very
interesting next week.

We find out in
minutes that starts now.

[WHISTLE bl*ws]


[ARLO] Ooh, clattered!

[CHRIS] Tartt can expect
a lot of that today.


Here are some complimentary nuts.

And I'll be back to
get your drinks. Okay?

[ARLO] Physical play from City
as Tartt pushes Richmond forward.

- Tartt has options.
- Colin's open.

[ARLO] Oh, a nifty
move finds Bumbercatch.

The Swiss crosses to the far post.

- Hughes!

- [ARLO] The match has barely g*n...
- Yes.

- ... and the Welshman fires the Greyhounds...

- ... into the lead with a commanding header.

There we go.

[CHRIS] That goal was all down to
Tartt. He's seeing two passes ahead.

[ARLO] Brilliant play indeed
from the unsinkable Jamie Tartt.

Colin Hughes with the exclamation
point, and Richmond leads -nil.


- [SQUEALS] Yes!

Leslie, what you doing?

I'll celebrate when the
final whistle has bl*wn.

I don't wanna move and jinx it.

- Okay. [CHEERING]

[ARLO] With the great Pep
Guardiola at the controls,

rest assured, City won't
be quaking in their boots.

What's this sharp-dressed son

- of a g*n got cookin' now, huh?
- Go.

[CHRIS] You know Pep will
make the right adjustments.

He always does.

Hold on tight.

All right! Here we go!

[ARLO] Halftime approaches, and the

Premier League title remains undecided.


[ARLO] Jamie Tartt's hometown fans
are still letting him have it.

City continuing to target
Richmond's number nine.

Case in point, as Tartt
is knocked off the ball.

And here comes City.

De Villardi sh**t! Van
Damme makes a terrific save.

City making Tartt fight
for every inch out there.

Piss off back down South, pretty boy!

[ARLO] Tough crowd,
Jamie Tartt. Tough crowd.

We're in the th minute.

And since Richmond's early
goal, it's been one-way traffic.

City asking plenty of questions, but
so far Richmond are not listening.

Oh, a sliver of space for De Villardi.

Is this the equalizer?

No! A swashbuckling save
by the masked Canadian.

[CHRIS] Van damn he's been good today!

- Come on!


[ARLO] Nearing the -minute mark,

Richmond are defending
their one-goal lead.

Ndour takes the corner.

Van Damme races off his line
to punch, but it finds Elokobi.

De Villardi has an open goal.

- Jamie Tartt soars to clear the danger!
- Yes, Jamie!


Yes, Jamie!

- [ARLO] Oh, no.

It looks like Tartt is
in quite a bit of pain.

- [CHRIS] It's his ankle, Arlo.

- He landed on it wrong.
- Get up, you soft prick!


Come on.

Is he okay?

[THIERRY] Let's go.

Roberts! Get warm.

- I'm good, good. Go, bro. Go, go.
- You good?


Now hold on. He's up,
he's up, he's up. Okay.

[ARLO] It appears he'll give it a go.

Good news for Richmond, who can ill
afford to play without their star.

Not with this much at stake.


- [WHISTLE bl*ws]

[ARLO] We may have
spoken too soon, Chris.

Tartt tried to soldier on,
but now he's in

some distress and
may require attention.

Oh, my God.

- [MEDIC ] Up you go.

[MEDIC ] Get you on the walk.



- We're finished. We're done.
- Come on.

- We're done.
- Come on, James.

Roberts! You're going in.

Whoa, hold on, hold on. Hey, hey,

hey, don't hop out there
quite yet, Tan, okay?

- Coach, we're a man down.
- I know, Coach. Just give me one second.

Hey, Jamie, are you sure
you can't get back out there?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?

- No.
- Hmm?

- Hey, Coach! You wanna play with ten men?
- [TED] Yeah.

Heck yeah! [CHUCKLES]
Right, eh? [CLICKS TONGUE]

We're just gonna wait and see, okay?

And we'll check in on you, all right?

You two, do me a favor. Heal
him. Use all your tricks, please.

Okay. Yeah. We're gonna
give him a couple minutes.

- He's gonna be fine. Here we go. Come on!
- [ARLO] Ted Lasso elects to wait,

leaving ten Greyhounds
against City's mighty .

- [ARLO] City looking for the equalizer.

And Orellano sh**t. Van Damme
is there! And there again!


[ARLO] And again!

There's just no penetrating
the mask of Van Damme!

With his team facing
relentless pressure,

- Ted Lasso is gambling with each...

- ... passing second he plays with a man down.
- I'm gonna need a word, Nate.

- In my office, yeah?
- Yeah.

[CHRIS] I love gambling.
Makes me feel alive.

[ARLO] You should probably talk
to somebody about that, Chris.

Hello, mate. Come in. Take a seat.

Here we go. [SIGHS] Mmm.

[SIGHS] Am I getting promoted?

[SIGHS] Nate, I gotta let you go.

- W-Was it 'cause I was watching telly?
- No.

I'm not pushing desserts hard enough?

No, no, no. It's...
It's nothing you've done.

You're my top man. You're on time,
you don't steal, you're sober.

You're like my little
unicorn. You know what I mean?

And it breaks my heart to say this,
but Jade said if I didn't f*re you,

she was gonna report me to the...

Well, I can't say who, because
then you'd know what I've done.

But... [CLEARS THROAT] ... my
hands are tied. You gotta go.




[ARLO] Chris, Richmond
aren't playing with a keeper.

They've got a brick wall
in front of the goal.

[CHRIS] No, Arlo, that's a person.
I can see his arms and legs.

And his hideous mask.

[ARLO] It seems like it's only a
matter of time before City equalize.

That's all they need to
clinch the league title today.

Hey, Coach, I don't
want Jamie to play hurt.

But we gotta make a decision here.

Personally, I'm fine
with him playing hurt.

I played hurt all the time.

You can't walk up stairs.

Okay. Let me go check, all right?

- Thanks, y'all. Thank you.

What you looking for up there, Jamie?

Looking for my dad. I can't find
him. It's freaking me the f*ck out.

[TED] Yeah, I get that.

It's like when you don't
know where Freddy Krueger is.

'Cause you know it's the
second he's gonna pop up

and stick that Kn*fe-hand
of his in your face.

Yeah, Freddy Krueger's
f*cking terrifying.

Yeah, well, he had a rough childhood.

And as we all know,
hurt people hurt people.

Sometimes they just do
it with their Kn*fe-hands.

When's the last time you saw your dad?

- Wembley. [PANTS]
- Hmm. Y'all talk since then?

- Nope. [SIGHS]
- Hmm.

Okay. If you could talk to
him now, what would you say?

I'd say, "f*ck you." [SIGHS]

- Mmm, yeah. Makes sense.

- Anything else?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'd say, "Thank you."

You know, Jamie, if hating your Pops

ain't motivating you like it used to,

it might be time to
try something different.

Just forgive him.

Oh, f*ck no. I ain't giving him that.

Mm-mmm, no. You ain't
giving him anything.

When you choose to do that,
you're giving that to yourself.


- Come on. [GRUNTS]
- Okay. [GRUNTING]

- How do you feel?

- Yeah. Yeah, I feel good, Coach. Yeah.
- Yeah. See, the talk helped, right?

Mostly the painkillers and
the adrenaline, I think. But...

But yeah, the talk helped, yeah.

Good. Now get your buns
out there. Let's go.

[JAMIE] Okay, okay.


Come on.

Here we f*cking go. Come on, Jamie!

[ARLO] Jamie Tartt with a
dramatic return to play.

And he makes sure he lets the
City fans know all about it.


That's it, baby! You f*cking show 'em!

[WHISTLE bl*ws]

Hey, come on, come on, come on.

Tartt, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Jamie Tartt Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

[ARLO] Richmond have
their backs against the wall.

It's De Villardi again.

But Van Damme collects comfortably.

And the Canadian, wasting no time,
finds McAdoo. And Richmond are off!

Oh, that's astonishing
control from Tartt!

Ooh! Ooh!

- What's happening? Thank you.
- Oh!

[ARLO] Tartt cuts inside.

And again.

Oh, he's untouchable!



- [CHEERS] Go, Jamie!
- Yes! Yeah! [CHEERS]


[ARLO] And Jamie Tartt all but
clinches the win for Richmond

- with a spectacular solo goal!
- My goodness! Did you see that?

- Yes, Jamie!

[ARLO] And a class move
from the native Mancunian,

not to celebrate
against his former club.

[WHISTLE bl*ws]

[ARLO] And Richmond with
a late substitution.

Attaboy, Jamie!

[PLAYER] Well done.

- Jamie Tartt, you f*cking king!

- [ARLO] Tartt makes way.

And listen to this response
from the City supporters,

an ovation for a visiting
player who was also one of their own.

- You don't hear this every day.
- Come on.

[ARLO] Just think of what it
means for Tartt to hear this.

- And what it means for his family.
- [SIGHS] Yes. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.


- f*cking beautiful. [GASPS]
- That was amazing.




He's a tough kid.

His dad would have been proud.


[ARLO] Credit where it's due.

Lasso rolled the dice on Tartt's
fitness and the team's talisman

rose to the occasion.

With time running out, City
try and cross into the box.

But again, Van Damme is there.

- [WHISTLE bl*wing]


[ARLO] And after that sterling
performance from Richmond,

the Premier League title will come

down to the final week of the season.

Chris, they could win
the whole effing thing!

[CHRIS] Sorry for the almost
brutal language there, folks.

- It's that time. Holy crap.

- Good game. Congratulations.
- Thanks, Coach. I appreciate it.

Hey, I gotta be honest with you.
You're a tough guy to b*at, man.

[CHUCKLES] Nah, don't
worry about wins or losses.

Just help these guys

be the best version of
themselves on and off the pitch.

This, at the end, is
the most important thing.

I couldn't agree more, Coach.

All right, then. Take care.



Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Boss. Hey, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you too.




- All right, lads. Listen up.
- [PLAYER] All right. Yo, what's up?

We've got one more game, so that means

a glass of water with every single

- alcoholic beverage tonight, all right?

- We rolling?
- No, no. I've gotta get this sorted out.

But you have fun with your water, yeah?


- [COCKBURN] There's my lad. Do you proud.
- Nice.

- Yeah, you bet, bruv. All right, love.
- Hey, take care, bruv.

- Love.
- That's what I like, man.

- Be good. Be good.
- [COLIN] Rest up, man.

Hey, listen, man. I wanna
say I'm proud of you.

- You played so well today, man.
- Ah, appreciate it, man.

- You scored a goal. Come on. Hey.
- Thanks, Jamie.

[SPEAKS SPANISH] Well done tonight.

Thank you, man. Big love, amigo.


[WHISTLING] All right, buddy.

I will see you at karaoke.

I will of course sign us up
for "Islands in the Stream."

But I'm calling dibs on

No can do, Coach. [SIGHS]

Mom's cooking dinner
tonight. Last night in town.

All right. Well, give Dottie my love.

Will do. Actually, hold on a sec, Coach.

Come here. Check this out. [CHUCKLES]

- Uh...
- No, no. I know you've already seen it.

I just don't know if you've watched
the whole thing. Look. Look, look.

All right.

So look. After we came in,

Nate had to hide under my desk
here for, like, three whole hours

while we were all whooping and hollering

and celebrating all
around him. [CHUCKLES]

Then, once we all split, he
thought he was in the clear.

And boom! Cleaning crew shows up.

Oh, man. That's another two
hours under that desk. Yep.

Well, then after they
leave, he crawls out.

His legs just gotta be
jelly. He can barely stand up.

Look at this.
He goes to check the doors,

but they're all locked! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, man, that son of a g*n

had to climb out the window here
just to get out of the building.


You know, I don't know about you, Coach.

But I hope that either all
of us or none of us are judged

by the actions of our weakest moments,

but rather by the strength we show

when and if we're ever
given a second chance.

All right, have fun
tonight, Coach. [GRUNTS]

♪ And we rely on each other, ah ha ♪






- Hi.
- Hey. What are you guys doing?

We thought we'd come
and keep you company.

- f*cking celebrate.
- Yeah!

- 'Cause that was f*cking amazing, Jamie.

Yeah, I was f*cking
amazing. You're right.


- Ey!
- [KEELEY] Whoo!

- You start us off.
- Mmm. Don't mind if I do.

Right. What the f*ck
happened, man? [CHUCKLES]


- Did I look sexy? [CHUCKLES]

Shame you weren't injured
in your f*cking head, innit?


I'm back.

Hey, babe. You all right?

Someone never came
for their pickup order.

Oh, thank you. Great.

So, um, I don't know if you
heard, but Derek fired me today.

That bastard!

- Yeah. I was devastated.

But it made me realize that even
though there's only one match left,

I have to go back to
Richmond. To make things right.

Currently writing Ted an apology letter.

It's pages, but I'm just
looking for a few trims, so...

- Ooh. [GRUNTS] Two secs.

[SIGHS, MUMBLING] Sixty pages.

Oh, my God.

You here to k*ll me?

Ted and I met playing college football.

He was the backup punter.
I was the backup kicker.

We never got in a game,

but we spent a lot of time together,
jogging and doing box jumps.

After school, we went our separate ways.

And he was dating
Michelle, got into coaching.

And I got into prison.

When I got paroled...

I had no money, family didn't
want me. I had nowhere to go.

So I looked up Ted.

He took me in, fed me.

Let me crash on his couch.

And in return, I stole his car.

Now, I didn't get far.

And I would've gone
straight back to prison

if Ted didn't come down
there and convince those cops

that he gave me the car.

Just like in Les Mis.

Our story is very similar
to Les Mis, yes.

- You went to prison?
- Yes.

For stealing a loaf of meth.

And then I stole from my friend.

Who forgave me. [SIGHS]

And gave me a job. And a life.

So to honor that, I forgive you.

I offer you a job. And
the life part's up to you.

Thank you.


You sure you don't wanna headbutt me?

I think it might make us feel better.


Monday, : a.m.


- Hello?
- [DOTTIE] Ooh, welcome home, honey.

- Come take a seat, you must be starving.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, congratulations on your big win.

I didn't know if you'd be in the mood

for meat loaf or lasagna,
so I made both.

- [TED] Hmm.

- Mom, what's wrong? Why are you here?
- What do you mean?

I mean, if you got something
you need to say to me,

I'd appreciate it if you
just went ahead and said it.

Oh, stop. I just want to spend my
last night in London with my son

and make sure everything's all right.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay.

Well, thank you for
cooking dinner. Both of 'em.

Oh, you're welcome.

- And f*ck you for not wanting to talk.
- Excuse me?

Thank you for flying all
the way here to come see me,

and f*ck you for not
telling me you were coming.

Thank you for all the small,

silly, little things you did
for me as a kid, you know?

Like hiding notes in my lunch box

or, uh, putting googly eyes on the fruit

at the supermarket
just to make me laugh.

And f*ck you for not working on yourself

or seeking help after we lost dad.

And for not talking
to me about it either.

Just glossing over the whole thing

and... and acting like
everything was all right.

- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

Um... [STAMMERS] ... I
didn't know what to do, Ted.

So, I pretended I was okay.

Okay. Well, thank you for the apology.

And f*ck you for making me
think I had to pretend too.

All right. I... I appreciate
you, uh, sharing all this with me.

I just wish you hadn't
carried it around for so long.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, okay.

And, um, you're right, Ted, I
do have something to say to you.


Your son misses you.

Yeah, I know.

I miss him too.

[SIGHS] It's just like I... [CRYING]

It's like I'm scared
sometimes to, like...

get close to that little boy.

Oh, honey, why?

'Cause I know he's gonna leave.

Oh, well...

- God. No, no, no, no. You know...

Oh, all right. That is the
thing about being a parent.


Sometimes you lose and...

[STAMMERS] ... sometimes you win,
but most of the time you just tie.

All we can do is keep playing.


[SNIFFLES] Hmm. Thank you.

- f*ck you. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry about that. I...

[SIGHS] You know what? Let
me make it up to you, okay?

Why don't you take
a seat? And I'll, uh...

and I'll serve you
dinner for once, okay?

- [CHUCKLES] What? Oh. Ooh. Okay.
- Come on now, pop a squat. Go on.

- Yeah, yeah. [SIGHS]

Hey. You know, uh, this therapist
must be doing you some good.

- Oh, boy.

I'm gonna leave her out of this.

Oh, wait till she
hears about this. Okay.

You know what?
Let's start with the wine.

- Let's do, please.

- Bex.
- Hi.

Sorry to just show up like
this. Um, I need some advice.

- Okay.
- Can we come in?


Of course.


Morning, Will.

[WILL] Hey. Good morning, Ted.

- Hey, Boss.
- Oh. Hello, Ted.

Do you know this John Wooden?

No, ma'am. Never had
the chance to meet him.

Oh, pity. I like this.

Ah, I mean, if you don't like
that, you don't like ice cream.

- What's up?

- Do you know what time it is?
- Uh, : .

Or half nine as you folks say over
here for some goofy-ass reason.

- Mm-hmm. That's just to annoy Americans.
- [CHUCKLES] Ah. Yeah.

No, this is that time of year
when I come down here and

reveal something to you.

Oh, snap. That's right. Okay.

- [STAMMERS] Well, here we go.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, you know what?
Maybe I should guess this year.

No, no, no, that's silly. Yeah.

No, you just go ahead and
tell me. Go on, let 'er rip.

- I've got nothing.
- Hmm.

Oh, I really tried as well. I
mean, even on the walk over here,

I was thinking something would
pop into my head, but nope.

- Absolutely nothing. Sorry, Ted.
- Hmm.

No truth b*mb this year.

Hmm. Well, that's okay.
[CHUCKLES] I got one.
Post Reply