Book Club: The Next Chapter (2023)

Comedy Movie Collection.

Moderator: Maskath3

Post Reply

Book Club: The Next Chapter (2023)

Post by bunniefuu »

("American Girl" by Tom Petty

& the Heartbreakers playing)

Well, she was

an American girl

Raised on promises

She couldn't help

thinking that there

Was a little more to life

Somewhere else

After all,

it was a great big world

With lots of places

to run to

And if she had to die

trying, she

Had one little promise

she was gonna keep

Oh, yeah

All right

Take it easy, baby

-Make it last all night

-Make it last all night

She was an American girl...


How does a woman in her 70s

end up getting married?

It all started

when the world shut down.

(song fades)

Okay. All I see here is me.

This is not what I want

to be looking at.

Diane, you're muted.

Seriously, how do I just not see

my own face this big, huh?


You're muted.

Diane, you're muted.

Alexa, join my meeting.



VIVIAN (over speaker):

Hello, ladies.

-SHARON: Hello.


Viv, have you been at

Arthur's condo this whole time?

Nine days.

It's a world record.



Are you drinking at work?

Well, technically,

the courts are closed,

so it's just me

and Judge Walker.

My restaurant's closed, too.

They said it might be

two whole weeks.


Okay, I figured it out.

Why am I a potato?

Ay, ay, ay.

Shall we talk about

Normal People?

Something we have

very little experience with.


How do I stop being a potato?


One thing's for sure:

It went on longer

than anyone imagined.

Ah. Untamed.

The harrowing true story

of Viv's nether region

if the waxing salon

doesn't reopen soon.

All that's been lasered away

years ago.


Yeah. (chuckles)

Excuse me, um, it's 7:00 p.m.

-(clattering, metallic banging)

-Oh, my...


Thank you, health-care workers!


-VIVIAN: Thank you!

No one's enjoying their

quarantine more than you, Viv.


We stayed connected

and were there for each other

through personal hardships.

Look who's home

from the hospital.

Bruce, you look great.

A minor heart att*ck.

I'm doing fine.

We're just taking it easy.

-No more cheeseburgers.


-Oh, yeah, but look.

-(Diane laughs)

Got these special cookies.

They're shaped like an aorta.

-(Diane chuckles)


(cookie clatters)


DIANE: And through

professional milestones.

For she's a jolly

good fellow

Which nobody can deny.


I've already been asked

to perform three weddings.

Once you take senior status,

that's all you're good for.

-That's so sweet.

-SHARON: It's degrading.

I didn't go to law school

so I could tell

the children of my colleagues

they could kiss.


And like so many people,

the time apart gave us the

opportunity to try new things.

(playing discordantly)

That was a little dark, but...

I'm pickling my own cucumbers.

Oh! Oh!

I have adopted a rescue parrot.

His name is Sylvester.

-Are you a good boy?


Sylvester's been rehomed.

DIANE: And forced us

to deal with things

-we'd been putting off.

-(Diane screams, others gasp)

This is all I'm keeping.

Well, good you're hanging on

to that coffee can, though.


This is Harry.


Well, yeah, the ashes.

The-the ashes of Harry. See?

Was his dying wish

to be a latte?

You-you can't just

leave him there.

Wait a minute.

Do you think he's better off

on the mantel

in Mitchell's bedroom?

VIVIAN: Probably not

what your late husband imagined

as his eternal resting place.

Back in the box you go.

There you go.

No, go spread them somewhere.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I'm just supposed to go

dump him in the fields?

-He's allergic to horses.

-(Vivian chuckles)


For a while, it felt like

it was never going to end.

I liked this,

but if I wanted to read a story

of a woman trapped at home,

slowly going crazy,

I would've read my own diaries.

DIANE: But everything

comes to an end at some point.


We had a great run, didn't we?

It was the best restaurant

in Brentwood.

It was the best

restaurant in Los Angeles.

-Yeah, definitely.

-That's true.

You guys are nice.

Well, I was gonna retire

someday anyway.

Come join me on the other side.

It's boring, but it's boring.



DIANE: Well, it had been

quite an experience,

but our time apart

was finally coming to an end,

and a new journey together

was about to begin.

DIANE (singsongy):

Knock, knock!

(both laugh)

Oh, my God.


This still feels illegal.

Oh, no.

-Yeah. -I refuse to outlaw

the hug. (chuckles)

What's going on here, huh?

Have we officially h*t the stage

where we cover

our furniture in plastic?

No, this is what happens

when you have

-too much time on your hands.

-Yeah. (chuckles)

I actually tried

to retile the bathroom, too.


-That did not go well.


-It's terrible.

-Yoo-hoo. (chuckles)



-Oh, please.

I'm retired,

so no need for formalities.

-"Your Honor" is fine.


I never thought I'd be

this happy to hug you. Oh.

Yeah. I get that a lot.


-Oh! Hello.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

-Oh, my God. Oh, hi.


Hi, sweetheart.



-And my pal.

-Hey, Slim.

Oh, this is so great.

-How are you, Slim?

-I'm so excited.


Viv, uh, just one question.

What's going on with the gloves?

-Are you planning

a jewelry heist? -(laughs)

Or maybe becoming

an amateur mime?

Or even a professional mime,

-if you put your mind to it.


Now, that would be

an exciting change.

Well, actually, there has been

an exciting change.

-(others gasping)

-SHARON: Oh, my.

What's going... What?

Oh, my God.

-You're engaged?

-Oh, it's gorgeous.

-Can you believe it?

-No, I can't.


-Oh, I have so many questions.


-When did this happen?


Wait, wait, wait.

Come sit down and tell us

-every single thing.

-We need details.

-Yeah, okay.


Oh, my God, Viv,

this is amazing.


-Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Well, uh, it was

actually... it was last night.

I can't believe

that it was last night.

We were walking back

to the apartment,

and he made some comment

about proposing,

and I made a comment,

"Well, if not now, when?"

Because in another 50 years,

I may not find him

as attractive as I do now.

And right then, we were

in front of a jewelry store.

And before I know it,

we're in the store,

saying, "Should we do this?

I mean, should we get married?"

-And we are!

-(others exclaiming, laughing)

-Oh, my God. Oh!

-We are.



To Viv and Arthur.

Oh, thank you.


-Oh, beautiful.

Thank you, my pals.

So, do you have a date yet?

Oh, I think I'll go with Arthur.


As my date.

Do we have to laugh

at her bad jokes

-since she's the bride?

-No, well, I think we do.

-I think that's the rule.


Sharon is correct.


Look at you.

-Is this new?

-Well, it is to me.

I assume the man who owns it

purchased it years ago.

Oh, well, I'm glad your vag*na

hasn't claimed senior status.

-Who's the lucky sailor?

-Not a clue.

I found it in the back seat

of my car. Finders keepers.


-Oh, my God.

I really don't understand

how you make that work.

Well, now you know why she keeps

having to get her hip replaced.

People with mechanical knees

should not throw stones.


-Oh. Oh, my God, you guys.

-What? What?

I have to show you what I found

when I was cleaning up.

Cleaning up?

What did it look like before?

Look. I think it's an omen.

An omen?

This is from the trip

that never was.

Remember, we were all

gonna go to Italy.




Oh, Italy.

-CAROL: Right?

-SHARON: Oh, my God.

Our dream vacation,

before, of course,

I got pregnant

and ruined everything.

-Pan Am?


Can you believe

that one of these

used to get us on a plane?

I can't even look at those.

"Surprise Gianni.

Taste his magical

meatballs again."


-"Do not live in fear."

-Oh, God.

Okay, that's not...

-"Taste his magical meatballs"?


"Do not live in fear"?

How big are they?


-Oh, Gianni.

Who is Gianni?

Okay, he was the Italian hottie

from my cooking school

a million trillion years ago.

Probably fat and bald now.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Don't ruin my memories.

-Anyway, that's not the point.


-The point is I found this.


The travel ban is lifted,

and I think

we should all go to Italy.

Italy? Whoa.

I mean, I barely made it here.

Yeah, I-I-I can't go

anywhere, right?

I'm a newly engaged woman,


Oh, that-that's it.

We'll make it

Viv's bachelorette.

Oh, I literally

just got chill bumps.

It's perfect.

You want us to run around Italy

like a bunch of teenagers?

The book says ignoring the signs

is what ruins a life.

-We can't reject our destiny.


I love the idea

of drinking Italian wine

and celebrating Vivian,

but can't we just do that

from here?

I'm with Shar.

You know, it-it doesn't feel

right leaving Arthur right now.

And my little Ginsburger

has not been feeling well.

-I don't feel good about

leaving her, either. -Mm.

You know that we might never

have a chance

to do something like this again.

Such is fate.


A bachelorette?

And you said you didn't

want to go because of me?

No. Well, I mean, yeah,

that's what I said,

but not because of you.

Because of us.


-You know, our relationship.

Well, that's not right.

Not because of

"our relationship."

Because of our engagement.

I mean, my point was

we're engaged,

so if I'm gonna run off

to Italy,

-it should be with you.


Well, I'd love that,

but just 'cause we're engaged

doesn't mean you can't go on

a trip with your best friends.


Viv, Jesus Christ.

Actually, that is

Saint Christopher.

Oh, God.

He's the patron saint of travel.

So, if you're planning a trip,

well, this is

the right place to start.

-How about that for a sign?



-(phone ringing)

-Oh, boy.

Hello. You've reached the home

of the retired and gifted.



we need to go to Italy.

Why are you saying that?

I already told you I can't go.

I wanted to score a few points

by telling Arthur

that I wasn't gonna go

because I'm being sensitive

to his feelings

now that we're "en-fianced."

That's not a word.

"En-fianced," "a-fianced."

-I-I don't know.

-(church organ playing)

Where are you?

I'm in a church.

You're in a church?

We're looking for a venue

for the wedding.

You're going to get married

in a church?

Hope they don't run

a background check.

I'm shocked you didn't

burst into flames

as you crossed the threshold.

The point is, Sharon,

now if we don't go,

he'll think I think

he was testing me

and that I don't think

he actually thinks we should go.

I-I think

you're overthinking this.

I don't think so.

-I think we need to go.

-SHARON: Ginsie.

-Honey, it's Sharon. Say hi.


Oh, hey. Hi, Sharon.

I'm excited about

your trip to Italy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Sh-Sharon,

y-you're on speaker in a church.


Jesus f*cking Christ.

Uh, I'll call you back.

It's another omen.

DIANE (over phone):

I don't understand.

d*ad like d*ad-d*ad?

Yes. What other kind

of d*ad is there?

Don't cats have nine lives?

Ho-Hold on. Sharon's coming.

They think it was just old age.

It's unnatural for your child

to go before you.

Aw, honey.

-Honey, I'm so sorry.


Well, I'm-I'm just on

with Diane.

I'll put her on speaker.

Oh, no, no, no,

wait, wait, wait, no, no.

I would just say

the wrong thing.

Hi, Di.

No, even my name is wrong

at a time like this.

I think this might be an omen.

Yes, the universe is conspiring.

I mean, is... Oh, God.

Is it? Is it really?

And even if it's not,

I say we discuss it in Italy.

Are you serious?

I'm retired. My cat is d*ad.

We're talking about

going to the top

wine-producing country

in the world.

Yes, I'm serious.

Let's do this.

I'm looping in Viv.

We have to go to Italy.


You're in, too?

Didn't Sharon tell you

what happened?

-About her cat?

-No. Arthur.

Oh, God. Did he die, too?


I was worried there was a theme.

He thinks it would be wrong

for us not to go.

I mean, is that sweet or what?

You should marry that guy.

And I will.

But first, Italy.

-MITCHELL: Can you believe it?


You're on your way to Tuscany.

Ugh. God.


-Ugh, I know.

You're the first person

in the world to "ugh" Tuscany.

I wasn't "ugh-ing" Tuscany.

Ah, nice try.

There's just an absurdity

to the whole thing.

A bachelorette trip?

What are we doing?

Well, Vivian's getting married.

Which is, you know,

a little bit nuts.

I think it's very romantic.

But it's also nuts.


You got to admit that.

Well, you're the one

who's been married before.

You tell me.

No, no. I was pregnant.

It's different.

Oh, that's so romantic.

Not as romantic as

never getting married at all.



One little goodbye kiss, maybe?

-A little goodbye...

-Maybe one.


Oh, excited.

Oh. Mm.



-Get out of here.

-Uh-huh. Okay.

Love you.

Now it's hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Go, go, Joe

You mixed-up siciliano

All you calabrese

Do the mambo like-al and

Hey, goombah

I love-a how you dance rumba

But take-a some advice,


Learn how to mambo

If you're gonna be a square

You're never gonna

go nowhere

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Hey, mambo italiano

Go, go, Joe,

shake-a like a Giovanno

Hello, che si dice?

Get-a happy in the feets-a

When you mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo...


Look at this place.

I can't believe

we're actually here.


I love this city.

-Rome. Roma.

-(bell tolling)

And not just because I had

due proseccos at lunch.


-Yeah, sure.

Me, too. I love anything that's

falling apart more than I am.


-You know,

it's amazing, though, isn't it,

how many tourists there are

in the world?

Well, wait a minute.

We're tourists.

-Yes, but we're different.


-We're not so obvious.


No, no, no. Judge's fanny pack

screams, "I'm a local."

-It's called a waist wallet.


-Oh, well, that changes

everything. -(laughs)

Yeah, and it's not just fashion.

-It's also functional.

-No. Ah...

Hey, is it time?


-Oh, yeah. No, no.

-It is time.




-Oh, yes.

-Let's do it.

-Oh, my God, you...

-Yes, yes!

Oh, I can't believe you guys.

Well, believe it, because

this is your bachelorette.

-Oh, my God.


And we're not gonna

let you forget it, okay?

-Oh, and there's a veil.

-Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my Lord.

-Congratulations to the bride!

-There you go.

Oh, thank you.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Thank you.

Oh, God, you look so great.

-You look perfect.

-(squeals, laughs)

VIVIAN: I look like

a crossing guard in this.

No, crossing guards

wear vests now.

-(speaking Italian)

-("Sono Bugiarda" playing)

What did he say?

I'm-I'm trying...

I'm trying to translate here.

Oh, okay, "vecchie."

It means "old."




-He called us old?

He basically called us

an old fruit.


-Oh, my...

I'm gonna cause

an international incident.

-Wait. "Dolce" means "sweet."

-Yeah. What?

Okay. "The older the vines,

the sweeter the fruit."


-(laughter, muttering)

-Yes, we've still got it.

-Look at us.

Yeah, we got it.

The question is:

What are we gonna do with it?

Well, this is

a bachelorette party,

-so you know what that means.


It means that we go

see naked men.

("Sono Bugiarda

(I'm a Believer)" continues)

What's the protocol here?

Where do I stuff

the dollar bills?

I-I think some of these guys

are the same dancers

-from my bachelorette party.


Look at those nail beds.

(Sharon sighs)

I really need a pedicure.

"I lost my hand!"

Nic Cage, Moonstruck.

Oh, wow.

She's almost 2,000 years old.

She's definitely had work done.

I got the same perm

back in 1982.


In his defense,

it is a little chilly in here.

Give him some credit.

I mean,

he's a thousand years old

and still hard as a rock.


Oh, my God.

What is Bruce doing?

Wait a minute.

Are you spying on him?

No, no, I got an alert.

There was movement

in the kitchen.


Oh, God. He can't...

What, is he insane?

-Oh, uno momen...


(yells, whimpers)

Carol, you scared

the hell out of me.

Bruce, you know you're not

allowed to eat bacon.

No, no, it's not

what it looks like.

It looks like you're hiding

bacon behind your back.


No bacon.


I see you, Bruce.


(song fades)

-Oh, oh.


-Oh... Oh, whoa.



I've never seen

anything like it.

I'm so glad we did this.

-DIANE: Me, too.


-CAROL (chuckles): Me, too.



Oh, look. Here we go.

This is Via dei Coronari.


-What's Via dei Coronari?

-This road.


So it's-it's beautiful

and we're taking it.

Wha... I don't think

there's an ugly street

-in this entire city, is there?


-No. Right.

-I don't think so.

-Ah, and-and look.


Is it a sign?

Oh, I think it is.

I think it is definitely a sign.

(doorbell buzzing)

That is a sign, literally.

"Chiuso." Closed.

-Oh, shucks. (laughs)


(speaking Italian)

And you must be the bride.

-Well, how did you know?


What did you gals do?

DONATO: Welcome to

my humble little factory.

-VIVIAN (chuckling): Wow.

-DONATO: Grazie.


-Oh. Whoa.

Oh, my gosh.

So, describe to me the dress.

Tell me anything

that comes to your mind.

Sexy but traditional.

Sexy. Naturalmente, of course.

-No, and timeless.

-SHARON: That's a good call.

The last thing you want

when you look back

at your photos 50 years from now

is to wonder,

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-(laughing): Right.


Ciao. Can I interest anyone

in a prosecco?

-Yes, you bet.


Me, and you should be

interested, too.

Oh, yeah.


Well, uh, let's have

some fun, girls, huh?

To fun.

("Ciao Ciao" by La

Rappresentante di Lista plays)

-Oh, gorgeous. Oh.

-(laughter, gasping)

(Donato speaks Italian)

Is this it?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

You don't pick the first one.

You're not getting off

that easily.

-It's too bridal.



You look like Hugh Hefner.

It's not bridal enough.

I think you should change.



Thank you so much.

God, I'd like to serve you

for Christmas dinner.


Oh, my God.

-Okay. Less bird. Next.


Someone else next.

Fine. When in Rome.

I'm not putting on

one other thing

until you're all in couture.

You're not getting out of this.


I'm not getting into this.


(speaking Italian)

-You know...

-S. I know just the one.




Oh, my... Oh.

I feel like I just escaped

from the trunk of a Cadillac.


(others gasping)

-CAROL: Judge, looking good.


Yeah, if I were at

a Renaissance fair.

-Oh, Diane, look.


I literally thought

that was you.

-I love that.

-It's... (groans)

So, what do you think?

-That I don't like you.

-(Donato chuckles)


-CAROL: Holy moly.


-Oh, Diane.

-You look more like you

than you ever have. -(chuckles)

We are sending

-a picture of this to Mitchell.

-(camera clicks)

No, no, no, no.

Wait a minute. Are you nuts?

-Too late.

-Please don't send it.

Sharon, un-send it.

Just because I know

how to not make myself a potato

doesn't mean I'm Steve Jobs.

-(speaking Italian)

-I mean...

Another one for the bride-to-be.

Okay, I need more drink.


-Oh, my God.

(gasps) Whoa.

-SHARON: Whoa.

-DIANE: Oh, no way.

Slim, yowza.

Oh, my God, I'd marry you.

Oh, my gosh, Viv, it's stunning.

Is it how you always

imagined yourself as a bride?

-I never imagined myself

as a bride. -(chuckles)

Which is funny because

we always hosted weddings

at the Quinn-Henry,

but I never imagined my own.


How does it feel?

Mm, I love the fabric.

I know. (speaks Italian)

It's the finest, but...

how do you feel?

Is this the right one?

What do you think?

It's perfect.


-Truly, truly stunning.

We'll take it.


(chuckles) Yes.

-DIANE: Hey! Yeah.

-SHARON: Here they are.


Oh, what'd you get?

VIVIAN: Do you know

that Mitchell's real name

is Michelangelo?


-VIVIAN: And...

Arturo. It's a much sexier name

than Arthur, right?



Everything is sexier in Italy.

Well, I know I am.

-Right, Giuseppe?

-Of course.


-(cell phone dinging)

Oh, God.


Because you sent him

that picture.

-What? Let...

-DIANE: What?

"A true work of art.

And the dress

ain't bad, either."


-Oh, great line.

This guy. Oh, God.


-Hey, cheers.

-Hey, cheers is right.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Here we go.

Rome is a great walking city,

but it's an even better

sit-down-and-drink-wine city.

So true.

I think you say that

about every city.

What? No, e-every city

is not good for walking.


The best walking city

is Venezia.

(gasps) Oh, I love Venice.

Sh... Should we go?

-To Venice?


-(speaks Italian) Of course.


Going to Venezia is never

the wrong decision.



I-I have a friend

with a great hotel there.

Where do you not have

a friend with a hotel?

-Well, not many places.


Well, I-I think we should

just stay the course

and go to Tuscany.

Venice is the most special city

in the world.

The treasure of Italy.

-"The treasure of Italy."

-DIANE: Uh...

Wasn't the guy in The Alchemist

searching for treasure?

This is the universe

telling us we should go.

Or is it a street artist

telling us to go?

I mean, no offense, obviously.

I say it's a sign.

And it's my bachelorette,




Judge, do you maybe want

to overrule this?


I'm the one wearing the sash,

so what I say goes.

New plan: Andiamo a Venezia.



Is there room in this new plan

for sleeping?

Is 6:00 p.m. an appropriate

bachelorette bedtime?



-Very standard, actually.


Tomorrow, we leave

early in the morning.


For the beautiful woman.

-(women gasping)

-CAROL: Oh, wow.

You really are sexier in Italy.

It-it's like looking

in a mirror.





Thank you.

Thank you. Grazie. Thank you.

-Let's see. Where is Venice?

-Oh, I don't...

-We're going...

-Oh, wow.

-(man speaks Italian)

-Oh, hi.

-Prima classe?



-Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, first class.

Where you going?


-Ah, Venezia.

(speaking Italian)

We'll help you with the luggage.

Allow us, please.

-We'll help you.

-Thank you.



Venezia. Uh, plenty of time.



Well, that's very kind.

Thank you.

This is for both of you.

Thank you so much.

-Where's Venezia?

-See it?

-You see Venice?

-I can't read any of that.

There's Venezia.

(snoring softly)

(speaking Italian)

Benvenute a Venezia.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.


-Thank you.




-(Vivian groans)

-Come on, everybody.

-Okay. Yeah.

-All right.


Diane, can you hand me my purse?

Oh, wait a minute.

Um, no.

Oh, my God, I don't see...

It's-it's not up here.

Well, where is it?

-DIANE: Um... Oh.

-(speaks Italian)

Everything okay?

I can't find my purse.

I've got mine.

But now is not

the time to gloat.


Do you think it was stolen?

I didn't see anyone

come through.

Yeah, Carol, are you sure

you put it up here?


-I-I... I thought I did.

Oh, God.

Ah. Aha. Aha.

Wait. Wait.



Thank you. Thank you.

I was so nervous

that we'd been robbed.

Uh, sir, where can we find

our checked bags?

What do you mean,

"checked bags"?

Oh, the ones that we gave

to the porters in Rome.

I'm sorry,

but we don't have any porters.



Wh-When did you get rid

of the porters?

(announcement in Italian)


No wonder the porters

were so surprised

when I gave them a tip.

Well, it's probably

not every day

that someone gives them cash

to steal their luggage.


Yeah, I just can't believe this.

I can't lose that bag.

Well, I know

it's annoying, honey,

but it's not the end

of the world.

You don't understand.

It might be good to get you

some fresh clothes.

Everything is replaceable.

No, not everything is. No.

Okay, Diane, I think you're

bl*wing this out of proportion.

Harry's ashes are in the bag.

-What?! Oh, God.

-DIANE: Yeah.

You brought Harry's ashes

to a bachelorette party?

-Are you nuts?

-DIANE: You're the one

that said I shouldn't

leave him in the closet.

So you brought him to Italy?

In a checked bag?

-Like a serial k*ller.

-Is that even legal?

You're asking me?

-Oh, buongiorno.

-Oh, yes.


-CAROL: Oh, buongiorno.

-VIVIAN: Yeah.


So, we have made the report.

Okay, and, uh...

If, uh, anything turns up,

we will let you know.

That's it? Because we've been

sitting here for two hours,

and that's all we're gonna get?

No, that is not all.


I feel very bad for you.


Oh, you feel bad for us?

We don't need a man

to take pity on us.

No, your lazy police work

is more than sufficient.


I'm just curious.


if you do find the bags,

will you be going through them?

I don't typically

make it a habit...

Oh. go through

a lady's belongings.

Oh, that's great. Okay, good.

All right.

And thanks again. Thank you.

Wait, signora.

Your dress.

Oh. Oh, God. sh**t. Yes.

That's my dress.

Thank you so much.

Are you here for a wedding?

No, it-it's a bachelorette trip,

but my friends took me

dress shopping in Rome.

-Such nice friends you have.

-(chuckling): Yes.

Even the critical one.


Yeah, well...

Signora, per favore.

Before you go.

Take this.

So we don't have to see

each other again.

Well, thanks.

This is tremendously helpful

at this point.


Well, it's definitely not legal.

-That's for sure.

-What were you thinking?

I was just trying to do

a nice thing.

I mean, he always wanted

to visit Italy.


-It's a sweet idea.


-Also crazy.

Yeah, I can see that now.

On the bright side,

it's much easier walking

without dragging your luggage.

Speak for yourself.

This is like a...

a full upper-body routine

carrying this thing.

CAROL: So, remember

that part in The Alchemist

where the guy gets robbed

and loses everything?


I have no empathy for him

at this point.

Yeah, neither do I.

Well, he said he had

a choice to make.

He could either see himself

as a victim of a thief...


Or see himself as an adventurer

in search of a treasure.

Yeah, but we are victims

of a thief.

But we are also adventurers.

(indistinct chatter)


Ciao, Sofia.


Ciao. Ciao.


Welcome back.

Ladies, let me assure you,

you're in good hands now.

There is nothing my uncle

wouldn't do for this woman.

-Oh, that's very sweet.

-Well, it's true.

And you're in luck

because the wedding

we were supposed to throw

this weekend canceled,

so our best rooms are available.

The wedding was canceled?

Yeah. It was very dramatic.

Screaming and crying,

and the dress on f*re.



But this is our boutique.

I've let them know

to expect you.

I've got the same thing in blue.



Here are your keys.

I'm sure you're exhausted.

Thank you.

When you see your uncle,

please give him my very best.

Of course.

And please, if there is

anything else you need,

-don't hesitate to ask.

-DIANE: Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much.




Nothing her uncle

wouldn't do for you, huh?

Well, there was a time

15 years ago

when there was nothing

I wouldn't have done for him...


Well, thank you for clarifying.

Well, if you must know,

he's why I got my knee replaced.

-Oh, boy.

-Such commitment.

Such sacrifice.

Mm, she's a modern-day

Mother Teresa.

That's the part

of Mother Teresa's story

they don't tell you about.

She wasn't just

on her knees praying.



("Tango Italiano"

by Cocki Mazzetti playing)

To help you forget

about your troubles.


It won't hurt.

Forgive me,

I-I couldn't help but overhear.

What sort of troubles

have you got yourself into?

Oh. (scoffs)

A little snafu

at the train station.

My friends and I

had our luggage stolen.

Well, that sounds like

more than a little snafu.

All your luggage?

Wallets? Passport?

Oh, please.

What kind of fool

do you take me for?



No one could get this off me.

No one.


It would require

very nimble fingers,

I imagine.

Well, since we're playing

"you show me yours,

I'll show you mine."

(Sharon gasps)

Be still my heart.


No, I'm just saying you need

to keep stress to a minimum.

I'm at a driving range.

That's just a bit more strenuous

than taking a nap.

Sweetheart, listen, are you sure

that I shouldn't come over

and meet up with you?

We discussed this, Bruce.

It's-it's not safe.

Yeah, I know. I was just

thinking that, you know...

So, tomorrow,

we're going to La Toscana.

La Toscana?

-That's how you say Tuscany.

-Oh, oh.

I thought you were talking

about the restaurant

on San Vicente.

Why would I be talking about

a restaurant on San Vicente

when I'm in Italy?




The restaurant in Century City.

I'm just making restaurant jokes

because, uh, I'm on

such a strict diet, honey.

Okay. Okay, I get it now.

Yeah, well, if I got to explain

the jokes, Carol,

it's just not as funny.

How about we just cool it with

the jokes about restaurants?

You don't hear me making jokes

about angioplasty.

Oh, gosh, I wish you would.

-A bachelorette trip?


I don't think

I know anyone who's done

anything like that for 20 years.

And why not, right? (chuckles)

Honestly, this is

how I want to live my life.

On a bachelorette trip?

-Of course.


And guided by

the daily practice of "why not?"

For a second,

I thought you said,

"Guided by

the daily practice of wine,"

and I thought, "Okay."

Well, it's not

a bad combination.

"Wine and 'Why Not?'"

That's gonna be

the title of my autobiography.

Well, I promise that

I shall buy a first edition.

You're on.

Oh, my God. Look at her.

We can't leave her alone

for a second.

Yeah, they're like

moths to a flame.

Oh. Ciao, guys.

-CAROL: Oh, hi.

-(Diane chuckles)


-Hey. -Hi.


-(light laughter)

This is Ousmane.



It's really very nice

to meet you.

Which one of you

is the bride-to-be?

-Oh, definitely not me.

-Oh, no.

She'll be down in just a minute.

It must be very exciting

for all of you.

And I'm delighted that

you'll be joining us tonight.


-Uh, yes.

I-I made dinner plans

for us tonight.



It's going to be...

Wh-What did you call it?

"An authentic

Italian experience"?

Wait a minute. Are we going

to the Olive Garden?


-Oh, I'm sorry.

I promise you it'll be worth it.

It's great food, great people.

-And there's no problem if

four random women show up? -Mm.

This is Italy.

There's always room

for random beautiful women.

-Oh. -(laughs)

-He's good.

("Nel blu, dipinto di blu

(Volare)" playing on piano)

(song continues

with woman singing in Italian)


(song continues

with full band joining in)

(continues singing in Italian)

-Look at this!

-(excited chatter, laughter)

-Oh, my God.


You pulled together

this bachelorette dinner

in-in-in record time.

It was easier than you think.

And we even got you a band.


Hope you like Italian music.


VIVIAN: So we decided to go

into the jewelry store,

and before we knew it,

we were engaged.

Well, I think that's

incredibly romantic.


Well, thank you.

-Are you married?


-I-I've traveled that road.


Not a pleasant journey?

Well, it was a bit

of a carjacking, really.



Well, um, it wasn't all bad.

Uh, are you all married?


Not married but not single.

-Ah. Dating.


Serious boyfriend.

Yeah, I mean...

I don't know,

"boyfriend and girlfriend"

just sounds so silly, you know?

Like we're in high school

or something.

I'm too old to be

somebody's girlfriend.


Are you kidding?

Oh, being a girlfriend is

the greatest thing in the world.

-That's not true.

-Oh, it is.

Being a girlfriend is sexy.

It's exciting.

You know, it means

you love somebody

and you're committed to them,

but you still have

your own life.

You haven't given yourself up

to society's conventions.

It's all about choice.

You choose to be there,

but you can leave

any time you damn well please.


And you're the bride-to-be?


And what about you?

Oh, she's the single one.

Oh, well, every group needs one.

And I'm the one who has to run

to the ladies' room,

if you'll excuse me.


what do you do in Italy?


No, I-I was

a professor of philosophy.

Happily now retired.

Which is why I have

so much time to spend here.


-Ciao, chef.

(speaking Italian)

...Sharon, Diane e Vivian.

You're so kind to include us.

It is my sincerest joy.

So, let us proceed

with un po' di prosecco.

It, uh, prepares the palate.

Oh, thank you.



What brings you to Venice?

Oh, uh, a series of, well,

unanticipated events, so...

-Ah. The spice of life.

-Oh. Thanks.


I got a little lost.



That's quite a situation

in the bosom area.

-Oh! Scusi.


-Oh. I overdid it, didn't I?

-DIANE: Oh, no, that's okay.

No, absolutely not.


(speaks Italian) Carolina.


-Gianni, is that you?


-S, si.


This is crazy.

What are you doing here?

Me? Well, I live here.

This is my cooking school.

Oh. Wait, wait.

You mean Gi-Gianni?

Gi-Gianni, Gianni?

It's the Gianni.

Not fat or bald.

-This is crazy. -I've heard

about your meatballs.

(chuckles) I-I can't believe.

I mean, look at you, huh?


Yeah, I mean,

this is a new dress,

and it's a little... probably

a little much for tonight,

but I just wanted

to have a little fun.

You look beautiful.

-Thank you.

-GIANNI: My goodness.

Thank you. This is incredible.


-CAROL: Wow.


Yes. Oh, grazie.

Uh, and here to start,

an amuse-bouche.


-VIVIAN: I think somebody's

bouche is already quite amused.

Enjoy, please. I need to, uh...

My head is spinning.

There's so many things

I want to put in your mouth.

-I can't wait.


And I mustn't overheat

your cacciucco. Uh, e-excuse me.

-May be a little late for that.

-(Diane laughs)

Even my cacciucco is overheated.

-(Diane laughs)

-So is mine.


-Oh, that was the best meal.

-So delicious.

No, no. Uh...


I can't even believe it.

What are the chances?

If I were writing a book,

I'd have you sleep with him

just to get the recipe

for this sauce.





-Oh, my God.

I think I've had enough.

Oh, come on.

This is your bachelorette,

and things are about to get

even more fun.




-(light laughter)

-VIVIAN: Goodness.

-Oh, fun.


-Very Christian Grey.


(playing "Gloria")

(whooping, laughing)


(laughter, whooping)


(continues singing in Italian)


Can you believe this?

CAROL: I told you

we should come to Italy.




(continues singing in Italian)


(continues singing in Italian)

-CROWD: Gloria

-(continues in Italian)

(shouting excitedly)



(Ousmane continues singing

in Italian)


(accordion joining in)

Oh, my God.

You go!

(Ousmane continues singing

in Italian)


(song ends)

-(quiet chatter)

-(gentle piano music playing)

(Sharon chuckling)

Oh, well, that was a first.

I was thinking of taking

a little stroll

down by the docks,

if you're interested.

It-it might be getting

very near my bedtime.

(Ousmane laughs)

You seem a little too old

to have a bedtime.

Well, let's just agree

that that was a compliment.

That would be helpful.

Thank you.

Shall we?

And there goes Sharon.



Scusi, signora.

Chef Gianni says,

if you would like,

you should see his cucina.

I'm sorry, see his cucina?

Yeah. It means kitchen.


I bet it's big, isn't it?

-I mean, it's a cooking school.


Bene. Uh, please, he says

you come whenever you'd like.

Oh, that's so sweet.

You tell Chef Gianni

she'd be excited to come.


Preferably more than once.


Oh, good God.

DIANE: You know what,

are you... (laughs)

I do want to see his cucina.

Well, just go.

-Yes. -But don't do anything

I would do.

I think that's actually

really good advice.

It's just a kitchen.



-Yeah, sure.

And then there were two.



Agatha Christie.

Oh. Indeed.

(Diane chuckles)

-DIANE: Oh, whoa.

-VIVIAN: Oh, boy.

What a day we've had, huh?

-I mean, this...

-I know.


The lost luggage.

Who loses a person's ashes?

I don't know,

I guess some skeletons

are best left

in the closet, right?


-God, I don't know.


-And you?


Married. "Marriaged."

Yeah. (sighs)


My solo act is finally

coming to a close.

It's crazy.

-Especially for me.


I mean, I know it is.

-No, come on. Who am I to judge?


Uh, but, yeah,

I thought so at first.

But, you know,

I think what you're doing

is freaking incredible.

And I'm genuinely excited

for you.


You're drunk.

No. No, I'm being serious.

Well, I'm... Okay,

so maybe a little. I mean...

But I'm still serious.

I don't know how you do it.

You tore up

the instruction manual,

and you just

never even looked back.

I mean, you're

the bravest person I know.

And I'm so happy

that you're my friend.

(crying): Oh, God.

You're definitely drunk.

(crying): You can't even take

a compliment, can you?


But it's true.

I'd never have the guts

to do what you're doing.

Well, I appreciate it.


-I do. I appreciate it.

-You do.

Thank you.

Hey, we're having

a fun trip, aren't we?

Oh. If you hadn't

gotten engaged,

I'm not sure I would have

ever experienced Italy.

What do you think?

Oh. Oh, I can't believe...

I can't believe

what I almost missed.

But the only question is:

How will we mess this all up?

(both chuckle)

I don't know,

but if we mess it up

the way we've messed up

the trip so far,

I can't wait to find out.


Yeah, but first...



Yeah. Yeah.

-I do need my beauty sleep.


You know, this doesn't

just happen on its own.

I imagine it's the work

of many skilled artisans.

(laughing): Yeah,

they're practically unionized.



"Of all the gin joints

in all the towns

in all the world,

she walks into mine."



I remember.

You know, my first time

was with you.

What? It was?

The... No, I...

I mean the movie.

-Seeing the movie.



I'm not sure we ever

actually made it to the end.

My favorite part. I mean...

Not-not the end.

The not making it to...

I-I knew what you meant

that time.

Okay, you're going to have

to explain something to me.


-You live in a place

where there are no roads,

but you have a van

in your kitchen?

Uh, s.

Makes no sense.

That's what makes it so special.

I thought it would make me

want to go somewhere.

But no,

only made me happy to stay.


-I get it.


(sighs) This place is

absolutely beautiful.


You must, too,

still be a chef, s?



I can tell.

-Oh, yeah? You can?


Assolutamente, s. Your aura.

In the cucina,

everything is now.

Present time.

I see you understand this.

Not worrying about, uh,





It's about living well

for today.

(Carol sighs)




-A tavola non si invecchia.

It means, "At the table, one..."

"One does not grow old."

You know this saying?

I actually had that

on the wall of my restaurant.

Oh. Really?


It's a sign.

(Gianni chuckles)

(Carol sighs)

No one smiles like you.

I always remembered this.

(sets glass down)

Uh, per favore, will you, uh...

-Oh, s... s, si.

-...take a picture?



(Gianni chuckles)

Quanto sei bella.

You don't look so bad

yourself, Gianni.

(camera clicks)

So, how long you are

in Venezia, Carolina?

Sadly, we are leaving tomorrow.


So, uh, we better take

advantage of tonight, really.

(Carol grunting)

(Carol and Gianni grunting)

Let me know when you get tired.

Oh, I can do this all night.


Mamma mia.

Don't move.

What are you doing?

That would be me.

Ah, Signora Bridesmaid.

Oh, shit.

You're in the middle

of the canal.



Look at us.

For the record,

that thing I said earlier

about your being lazy,

I'd like to take it back.


You called him lazy?

Wh-Why would you do that?

Believe it or not,

I didn't anticipate

running into him again.

Um, perhaps we could

trouble you for a tow.

Perhaps the signora

can swim you back to shore.


See how lazy he is?

I heard you.

Good night?

Don't ask.

(exhales slowly)



(elevator bell dings,

doors slide open)

We made pasta.

In a van.

I made pasta in a boat.


Last night was really fun,

wasn't it?

I need a minute.

Well, there you go.

Look who's awake.

Good morning.

What happened?

Oh, boy.

Sharon's probably

even worse off.



(others stammering, chuckling)

Ooh. Biscotti.

Oh, well, look who's

very chipper this morning.



Well, my Halo says

my sleep score was 96.


CAROL: Everyone needs

to stop screaming.



Hey, what about

if we shift our plans

and-and stayed

another night here?



Whoa. All right. Wow.

Time to get to Tuscany, huh?

So we... Do we just get back

on the train?

Oh, forget the train.

We got robbed on the train.

Technically, we got robbed

in the train station.


we gave our things away

-in the train station.


-Caff, signore?

-DIANE: Oh, yes. -Me.

Thank you.

("You Make My Dreams Come True

(Italian version)" playing)

(song continues

with lyrics in Italian)

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

You make my dreams come true

-You, you, you, you, you

-Oh, yeah


(song continues in Italian)

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

You make my dreams come true

-You, you, you, you, you

-Oh, yeah


I'm waiting for,

waiting for you, girl

-Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

-Oh, yeah

You make my dreams come true

-You, you, you...

-(Carol screams)

-(others scream, gasp)

-(song stops abruptly)

Gianni texted me.

-Oh, God.

-That bastard.

Thought we h*t something.

No, no, no, no,

you don't understand.

He sent a bunch of photos of us

from last night.



Are we talking, like,

the nudie type pictures or...

-Are you nuts? No.


But Bruce is gonna see these.

It goes to my iPad.

(sighs) Oh, God!



He... His crazy broken English.

Gianni wrote...

how nice it was

for me to rub his dough.

Oh, my God.

And-and that it was a very

happy ending to his night.


-Oh, God.


-Oh, that's terrible.

-Oh, man. Shit, shit, shit.

-Oh, my God, I love it. More.

Got to call Bruce.

Why isn't it ringing?

-Still not going through.


It was all innocent, right?

Well, yes.

I mean, we flirted,

but I didn't...

Rub his dough?



-(Diane laughs)

Well, how about his meatballs?

-(groans) I'm serious.

-Oh, no, no, no.

But did you want to?


I just was trying to have

a little fun.

You know, I-I can't have fun

like that with Bruce around.

Obviously not.

No. Not like that.

-Okay, sorry.

-Oh, what... like what, then?

Like where I don't

have to be afraid

that my husband's gonna

drop d*ad any second.



I-I just... What would it be?

What would my life be then?

It's one thing

to lose that restaurant,

but I just can't lose Bruce.


Okay. Best friends, tough love.

You know you're

the problem, right?

What are you talking about?

You're just so afraid

of Bruce dying

that you're stopping

the two of you from living.


Seriously, he's probably

thrilled you came on this trip.

The prison guard

finally left her post.

(chuckles) He's probably

getting his first taste

-of freedom, huh?


Let the man get

a taste of bacon.

-That's not what's going on.

-Isn't it, though?

That is exactly

what is going on,

and you can't see it.

You want the truth?

"You can't handle the truth!"

Sorry, you set me up.

The truth is, at some point,

Bruce actually

might not be here.

And I don't think

that anyone in this car

wants to see you look back

and realize all the time

you squandered

because you were afraid.

So knock it off.

Whoa, Viv.

-Mic drop.

-It's for your own good.

You've got a wonderful husband

who loves you.

And you're both...

you're alive and you're happy.

Stop trying to control

the uncontrollables.

Life is unpredictable,

and it's the surprises

that make it worth living.

-(loud bang)

-(all screaming)

-Oh, my God!

-(tires squealing)

(screaming, panicked chatter)

-(air hissing)

-SHARON: We're okay.

Everything's fine.

(crickets chirping)

-You know, it's the surprises,

isn't it? -DIANE: Oh, God.

Tell me, what kind of car

doesn't come with a spare?

-That one.

-(laughter, sighing)

You know, I've never actually

hitchhiked before.

Yeah, well,

in my limited experience,

it helps if someone

actually drives by.


-Well, on the bright side...

-Mm-hmm? least it's not raining.

(Diane laughing)

Why do you tempt fate?

Well, th-there's no such thing

as fate, remember?

(crickets chirping)

Is it too soon to talk about

who we're gonna eat first?


I think we all know.


This is really not good.


Yeah, we know.

No, it's really not good.

Thank you for that

brand-new information.

We need to get to Tuscany.

Well, yeah, but we don't need

to get panicky.

You know, w-we're not

under time pressure.

We can just relax. Chill.

I-I am relaxed, but we really

got to start walking now.


-Mm-hmm. Yeah.


To Tuscany?

Well, if we leave now,

we can be there by the morning,

so let's just get it up and go.

-All right, let's not get all...


Let's get!

Because I'm done

with the not getting, okay?

And this happened,

but there's still time.

-We got time.

-Calm down.

No. We have to be in Tuscany.

We're not not getting

to Tuscany, okay?

Diane, seriously, calm down.


I am.

I'm calm, and I'm gonna

be calmer in Tuscany.


What-what... What was this look?

What the hell is going on?

I-I think

we should just tell her.

Tell me what?

I don't think we should.


-Well, we have to now.

-Yeah. Yeah, you do.

You have to. What is going on?



We need to get to Tuscany

because Arthur is there

so that you guys

can get married tomorrow.

-Excuse me?

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He didn't want the wedding

to be a burden on you,

so when he heard about

the trip, he hatched a plan.

Which was actually

very thoughtful and sweet.

And we're screwing

the whole thing up

by dying by the side

of the road.

W-Wait just a minute.

Arthur is in Tuscany?

CAROL: At the hotel,

and everyone flew in,

and everything is set up.

It's ready to go.

Y-You don't have to do anything.

Except show up,

which was our job.


And we're still gonna make it,

because the wedding is all set

for tomorrow morning.


So, surprise!



She's not saying anything.

Do you think she's mad?

Uh, maybe a little in shock.


-Yeah, just...

Wh-What are you thinking, Slim?




At least she's talking.


-Oh, yikes.

A surprise wedding,

and this happens.

You do not see that as a sign?

I mean, a big sign that

this whole thing is doomed?

No. No, it's not.

-We're still gonna get there.

-And that is right,

because at any minute,

a car's gonna come

right down that road,

and we'll be on our way.

Well... (sighs)

And if it doesn't?

Because it's...

feels like the world

is conspiring against me.

I mean, look, maybe this really

is not meant to be, guys,

and-and I just have to stop

bl*wing past

all the warning signs.

Wait, wait. Shut up for a sec.

No, she's making a decent point.

Thank you.


Do you hear that?


-I can't... I don't...

-Oh, my God. Look.

-Oh! Look!

-Look. Look, look, look, look.

-(others gasping)

-SHARON: A car!

-CAROL: Oh, my God.


-Oh, my God.


Look alive, ladies.

We've got a wedding to get to!

-Don't let him drive past us.

-Oh, please, God, please.

(exclaiming excitedly)

How's that for a sign?


Our luck has turned.

Thank God.








-Buonasera, signore.

-CAROL: Buonasera.

(speaking Italian)



Oh, we-we just...

-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

-We... Wait. Oh.

-DIANE: Well, I...

-Parlate italiano?

-DIANE and SHARON: Uh, no.


I can't believe you guys.

A buff cop

just happens to drive by.


-Oh, okay.

Let's go. Take your shirt off.

-What? No.

-No. N-No. No, Viv.

-(speaking Italian) -What, you

want to start with the pants?

-DIANE: Uh, no, no.

-CAROL: Oh, oh, oh.

-No, y-you don't understand.

-Oh, I see.

You want me to help you?

-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

-No! What are you doing?

(speaking Italian)


No, wait. No, wait, wait.

Show us your concealed w*apon.

-No, Viv. Viv, stop.

-I-Ignore her.

-He's, um...

-This is not a stripper.

Oh, yeah. Nice try.

-Uh, uh, um...


We're sorry,

but th-that's our car,

and we don't have

a spare tire in it, so we...

we're hitchhiking.

Hitch... Ah, hitchhike.

-Okay. (speaks Italian)


(lock clicks)

It was...

it was an innocent mistake.

You know, and in my defense,

you guys have been

full of surprises.

And come on. You saw the guy.

It's been a while,

but he did have

some exotic-dancer-like


VIVIAN: I do think

he missed his calling.


Well, we-we had a good run,

didn't we?

-DIANE: Hmm.

-I mean, we just pushed past

the point of common sense.

Who do we think we are,

The Rolling Stones?

And we just thought we'd keep

rocking forever? Ugh.

This needed to happen.

It did. It did.

This is the universe

hitting the eject button

on me and Arthur

-once and for all.

-DIANE: Ugh.

Best friends, tough love.

Stop giving the universe

and fate credit for everything.

You're making a choice.


We're on this trip

not because of fate

but because we're best friends

for 50 years.

We show up for each other.

Fate didn't bring us

on this trip.

Our love for each other did.

Love and the wonderful people

at Lufthansa.

It was a nice flight.

You're not marrying Arthur

because of fate.

You're marrying Arthur because

you put in the hard work.

Because you committed to him.

Because you love him.

That's a big deal,

and you should be proud of that.

She makes a really good point.

You should definitely

listen to her.

-Oh. And not you?


I think things are just

a little bit different for me.

-VIVIAN: Oh, God.


Here we go.

Let me get out my tiny violin.

-What? (scoffs)



-Best friends, tough love.

You always play the victim.

What are you talking about?

"I'm pregnant,

so I can't do this."

Or, "I'm married,

so I can't do that."


"I couldn't even try that

because I'm gonna fall flat

on my face."

You do think of excuses

not to do things.

Enough. Enough.

Okay, fine.

Yeah, okay.


Fine. I mean, I get it.

And you're right.



Okay. Good.

(light laughter)

-Do me. Do my...

-DIANE: What?

Do my tough love.

Honestly, I think

you are doing just fine.

Yeah. I mean, I've got nothing.

You've... You made love

in a water taxi in Venice.


-You've had an amazing life.

Just don't get another cat.




-And there you have it.


We'll always have Venice.

Is that the line?


"We'll always have Paris."

It's from Casablanca.

But Venice works, too.



-Oh, my God.

A good night of sleep

will make us all

feel better, I'm sure.

Luckily, that's not an option.

(birds chirping)


Well, well, well.

(all gasping, groaning)

Look who it is.

Signora Troublemaker.

God. You again?

I should say the same thing.

I have some bad news.


The juicer's broken,

so our juice won't be

fresh-squeezed this morning?

Comedy. You don't do comedy?

I think you're growing on him.



(Vivian sighs)

Look what he got

from Trenitalia.

(all gasping)

It was turned in

with your luggage tag.


-Oh, God.

You've got to be kidding me.

The ashes?

So, you're aware it's illegal?


-Oh, we had a feeling.

-VIVIAN: Oh, God.

This wedding is doomed.


This is a bachelorette trip, no?

A surprise wedding.

Her first one.

Oh. I'm sorry.

You don't have to be

a jerk about it.

I'm not. I mean it.

Although, in hindsight, I wish

I missed my first wedding.

Maybe it's a blessing.

No. This one was meant to be.

Well, obviously not.

We're destined to fail.

-I'm not cut out to be married.


I think we can all

agree on that.

Chief, are you happy

you got to be part of the end

of this fairy tale

for this woman?

Does that make you feel good?

No, actually.

But this is life.

It's not fair.

It doesn't always feel good.

But what can I do?

No one ever thinks

they can do anything.

I... I'm so sick of it.

Everyone always just throws up

their hand and says,

"Well, it's not meant to be."

It's pathetic.

Y-You're a police chief.

Don't tell me

you got into this work

without wanting to make

a difference, did you?

Didn't you think,

"I'm the good guy,

I'm the hero"?

Isn't that what you thought?

And-and-and now what?

Nothing? Now "that's life"?


Life is what you make of it.

So do something.

Do something brave.

Do something unexpected.

But do something,

because you have four women

in a jail cell

who are desperately hoping

for a reason to believe

there's still

a reason to believe.

So do something, g*dd*mn it,

because this isn't the end

of the freaking story.

I have an idea.

(women gasping)

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, you're letting us go?

Oh, God.

Tell me that clock is fast.

Nothing in this country is fast.

("Felicit" by Al Bano

and Romina Power playing)

(song continues

with lyrics in Italian)



I've got one passenger

that needs to be dropped off

a little early.

You think you could

make that happen?

That would require a permit.



(chuckling): Or a special...

special police permission.

(Diane sighs)

I know a place.

-POLICE CHIEF: Go for it.


Go for it.


You can do it, Diane.

-(all gasping)

-CAROL: Careful, Diane!


I can't open it.

The top, it's stuck.

I can't... I... What the...

-I can't open it.

-(others gasping, exclaiming)


Oh, my God!



-VIVIAN: Oh, my... Careful!

-CAROL: Oh, careful!


Oh, God.


I did it.


He really was such a good man.

-He really was.



I really did love him.

-He loved you, too.

-(whimpers softly)

-He would've liked this, right?


I mean, well,

minus the skydiving part.


-Thank you.


I knew I liked you

the moment I met you.

(chuckles) For me,

it took a little longer.


How can I repay you?

Save me a dance,

and we call it even.

Bring the handcuffs,

and you've got a deal.


-(song fading)

-(Diane gasps)



The bride is here.

Grazie al Signore.

My name is Pasquale,

and I'm ready to marry you.

Get in line, Pasquale.

She's taken.


I sleep, breathe...

I dream your wedding.

I live to make

this wedding happen.

It is my oxygen.

That's so nice. Thank you.

Yes, but do you think that

maybe we should get going?

S, si, s, si. Andiamo.

Music to my ears. (chuckles)

Oh, my God.

Only a little behind schedule.

No worries.

I will check on the groom

and be back to you

-molto, molto presto.

-Oh, thank you.

(speaking Italian)


Oh. I-I'm gonna go call Bruce.


-I'll catch up.

-Okay. Okay.

-O-Okay, great.

Let-let's meet in Viv's room.

-We made it.


(birds chirping)

(strings playing

elegant classical tune)

(speaking Italian)

Few moment more.

-Per favore. Per favore.

-(music stops)

(continues in Italian)


Ciao, Pasquale.

Signor Arthur!

Signor Arthur.

What's the good word, Pasquale?

I am very happy to say your

bride-to-be is officially here.

Shall I take you to her?

Oh, I believe that

it's bad luck for the groom

to see the bride

before the ceremony, isn't it?

I don't believe in luck.

I believe in love.


Well, that's why we're all here.

But when you've waited

as long as I have,

what's a few more minutes?

It's true.


Oh, my God.

This is the best sight

I've seen in all of Italy.


I missed you so much.


You think this is really

gonna happen?


-I do. I think so.

-Mm. Good.


-I love a wedding.

Such a romantic.

-I better change, though.

-Better not.

-Oh. -I love you

just the way you are.

Oh, come on. Don't burn up

all your romanticism.

I mean, we still got

a long day ahead of us.

You know I don't... (gasps)

Oh, my God.


Oh, Mitchell.

-What did you do?

-I had no choice.

When I saw that picture, I...

I had to make a call.

I can't wear this, can I?

Donato assured me that this

dress was perfetto for today.

So, who am I to argue?

You're real trouble,

you know that?

That's why I'm here.

Yeah. Trouble.


Oh, Viv.

Look at you.

You look truly beautiful.

You think? Yeah?

-Thank you.


Thank you. So do you.

Are we ready for this?

(sighs) Oh, my goodness.

Oh, hi.

That's the dress.


-How did you get it?

-Oh, Mitchell.

-Oh, my God.

This guy pulls things

out of his sleeve.

I know.

Bruce still isn't

answering his phone.




-Oh, my God.

-DIANE: Oh! (laughs)

You all look so beautiful.


Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Why do I feel so nervous?

No, it's-it's just

wedding day jitters.

It's just totally normal.

(birds chirping)

This is it.


-This is it.

It's gonna be great.

Can I just say

how much I love you all?

And this was

the best bachelorette trip

I could imagine.


-That is so good,

because it's the best one

we could've thrown.

-Yeah. Big-time.


We way over-delivered.

-Yeah, what else is new?


-Okay, I need a hug.


All right.



You're the loves of my life.

-You know that.


Oh, we love you, too.

And I love you all,

but it's time.

Let's get you in that dress.



Oh, here.



-(Sharon chuckles)

-Um, yeah.

-I hope that was mine.



-Oh. -Oh.

-CAROL: Hmm.


Well, one of these

was definitely not mine.

Showtime, people.

(speaks Italian)

For real this time.

(playing elegant classical tune)

(speaking Italian)

Well, here we go.

(sighs heavily) Oh, God.




-I think I'm gonna be sick.

-Oh, no.

Well, you know

what that means, don't you?

No. What?

You're pregnant.

I mean, at least that's

what it meant at my wedding.

(light laughter)

-Seriously, I...

-Huh? Huh?

This is crazy.

I don't know why

I agreed to do this.

I mean, it makes no sense.

Of course not.

But don't you understand?

That's what makes it so amazing.

Loving someone

and having them love you

is reason enough.

Look at you. Look where we are.

Look at what we've been through.

We made it. And you, Viv.

You have never been one

to follow the flock,

because you are

your own drummer boy, okay?

So just trust your heart, Viv.

Trust it. Trust it.

'Cause it always

guides you right.



She's right, Slim.

You deserve

your fairy-tale ending.

Let's go get it.


Yeah, you've earned it.

Think of all we've overcome

to get here.

That's true, and now

all the problems are behind us.

(takes deep breath)

We have a problem.

I knew as soon as I said it.

It's fine. We are going

to make a little pause.


A pause?

Wha... Wh-Why?

The priest is missing.

The priest is missing?

This feels like a bad omen.


Oh, fine.

I'll do it.


I'll perform the ceremony.

(Diane chuckling)


-Yeah. I'll marry you.

-VIVIAN: What?


What good is a judicial title

if you can't degrade yourself

in front of your friends?


-Come on. Let's do it.

-DIANE: Yeah. Yes.

-(speaking Italian)

(strings continue playing)

-The wedding is back on.

-(guests murmuring)

-From the top.

-(music stops)


(music resumes)

Nice save, Your Honor.

You have no idea.

Okay, and now it's time.

Ah. It's time.




-It's time.

-(ringtone playing)


-Oh, oh, that's-that's me.

-What? Oh. (chuckles)

Sorry. Oh, it's Bruce.

-Go. Take it.

-Uh, no.

-I can call him back.

-Take it!


-Bruce? Hi.

-VIVIAN: Un min... momento.

(strings continue playing)

-(music stops)

-Continue, please.


Just one more tiny moment.

-(music resumes)

-Grazie. Grazie, grazie.

I got your message, Carol.

I also got your pictures.

The ones with you and Dough Boy.

It isn't what you think.

What are you trying to do,

give me another heart att*ck?

-Is that your plan?

-No. No, Bruce.

Don't even joke about that.

Believe me, when I get home,

things are gonna be

so different.

Our adventure isn't over yet.

I never should've told you

not to come. It...

Are you sure?

If I could snap my fingers

and fix it all, I would. I...

Y-You should be here.

It's so beautiful.

You don't think the flowers

are a little bit overdone?


The flowers.

I think there's one too many.

Well, that's better.

-Oh, my God.


-Bruce, you're here.



Oh, God. I can't believe it.

Well, I wasn't gonna miss

the chance to walk

my favorite girl down the aisle.

Come on.

Unless, of course,

you prefer Dough Boy.

I've got his number.

Do you want me to call him?

Shut up and kiss me.

(Bruce chuckles)



-CAROL: Mmm.

-(Pasquale clearing throat)

Oh, this is Bruce. Sorry.

Oh, thank goodness.

Bruce is here.

(strings playing

elegant classical tune)

To make it official.

Nice dress.

-You like it?


-I just found it in the closet.


-DIANE: Mm-hmm.

-MITCHELL: Mm-hmm.



(chuckles softly)

-(music ends)

-(Diane breathes deeply)

(playing Wagner's

"Bridal Chorus")

(guests murmuring)



(music ends)


-(Vivian chuckles) we all are,

which is shocking.

And not just because we spent

last night in a jail cell.

It's shocking because

I've known this woman

since we were 19 years old

and I never thought

there would be a man

she was willing

to walk down the aisle for.

But there is such a man,

and he's well deserved

of that unique achievement.

(Vivian chuckles)

And of my dear friend's hand

in marriage.

-To begin...

-Um, uh, h-hold...

Can I... Can I just say

something quickly?

O-Of course.

This is your big day.


Arthur, is it okay if I talk

to you for just a second

as though I didn't have

this dress on and...

and you didn't have

two rings in your pocket?


The truth is

I never wanted to be a wife.

You know, I always saw

a wedding ring as a chain.

You know, a...

a one-link chain of...

of limitation.

But there is no limit to

the love that I have for you.

You know,

that's what I've realized.

That's why I'm here today.

I love you, Arthur.

I love you. I want to move

to New York with you.

I want to walk

in the streets with you.

I want to make love

in the park with you.

Well, not the dirty part

of the park.

(light laughter)

You know, the-the clean part,

with the trees and the grass

and no syringes.


We've spent a lifetime apart.

Now we have to figure out a way

how to squeeze a lifetime

into the time we have left.

And we can do it.

We can.

I choose you, Arthur Riley.

I choose you today

and every day.

-You may kiss the bride.

-(guests murmuring, chuckling)


Aren't I supposed

to say something?

Oh. Oh, right, sorry.

I-I got swept away.

And-and now,

Arthur with his closing remarks.

Vows, whatever. Go.

You don't want to be

a wife, do you?

You don't want to be married.

That's what you just said,

isn't it?

Yes, I-I guess I did, yeah.

There was a part of me

that believed

that you really wanted

to be married, but...

...who was I kidding?

I knew you'd do this.

I knew it.


I don't need

the title of husband,

and I don't need

the institution of marriage

to know that I'm gonna

choose you every day.

I proposed to you

when we were in our 20s

'cause I was so damn in love

with you that I-I knew then

that I wanted to spend

the rest of my life with you.

And as luck would have it,

or some divine masterstroke,

we reconnected.

And I'll be damned

if I don't still feel the same.

But a little differently.

Oh, I don't love you any less.

And I think I may

understand you a little better.


like this ring that I'm holding.

A complete and perfect circle

unto your own.

And if you're not always free

to roll on your own

the way you want,

then you're not you.

And it's you that I love.

You're my perfect circle.

So, if you'll allow me

a do-over,

I'd like to ask

my question again.


-(guests chuckling)

Vivian, I love you

with all my heart.

That has never changed,

and it never will.

But I just got to know...

will you not marry me?


There's nothing I'd love more.


You're supposed to wait

for my cue.

Nobody ever waits for my cue.

May you always love each other

as you do today.

I now pronounce you

not husband and wife.




Oh, my God!

(excited laughter)

-Thanks, man.

-Oh, my God.

BRUCE: Congratulations,

you handsome devil.

He gets it! (laughs)

(strings playing

Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")

Thank you.

We did it.

We made it to the end!

-Wait a second. Come on.

-What? What do you mean?

-Get back up here.

-Wait, what?

-Get back up here.


Can we wait one second, please?




Give me one second.

("Wedding March" continues)

You said some things back there

about marriage

I've never heard you say before.


Uh, can we pause the music

a second, please?

(music stops)

Did you mean what you said--

that love was reason enough--

or were those just words?

Mitchell, is this really

the best time?

I think it is.

Well, fine. Why not?

(chuckling): I guess

it's as good a time as any.

It is.

Maybe a few days ago,

it would've been just words,

but not today.


-It's... it's so easy

to believe in things

when we're young, isn't it?

And we can do whatever we want,

and everything is possible.

And then we get older,

and life starts to silence us.

-But guess what.


-The whisper is still there.


And if you pay

close enough attention,

-you're gonna hear it.


In my case,

it was a trip with my friends.

And I heard it

in the art we saw.

Remember the art?

And the moments

that we shared together.

And the whisper just got

a little bit louder,

and everything started to feel

a little more possible.

And now, here I am standing

in front of the man I love,

surrounded by my best friends

in the world,

and all I can see

is what's in front of me.


-So, you want to know

-what I think, really?


I think love is reason enough

and the rest of our lives

start today,

so what are we waiting for?

-I'm not waiting.

-Oh, you're not?

-(laughing): Okay. Okay.

-MITCHELL: I'm here.

Oh, boy. I'm not sure

how you follow that.

You don't follow that.

You just ride alongside of it.

And you thank your lucky stars

every day that you do.

Diane, I've never...

I've never been married before

because I never found someone

that made me see

the reason why I should.

Don't you dare move.

Oh. What?


MITCHELL: Arthur, the ring.

I need the ring.

I don't...


-CAROL: Uh-huh.

-Thank you.

(gasps) Oh, no.

Oh, no. (crying)

-I can't believe it.


-Okay, yes. Oh, my God.

-(guests laughing)

Yes. Yes.

You're my reason.

Will you marry me?

And I promise I'm not asking

because I'm pregnant.



Hell yes, I'll marry you.

I'll marry you right now.


-Oh, my God.

-CAROL: Bruce.

(laughter, excited chatter)




-Well, this is fun.


-Diane, you crazy person.

Do you take Mitchell to be

your lawfully wedded husband,

to love and cherish you

from this day forward?


You're supposed to say, "I do."

Oh, okay.

I... I say...

-yes, I do.


I'll take it.

DIANE (laughing):

I'm sorry.

And, Mitchell, do you take Diane

and all her delightful insanity

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

-I do, and I can't wait.


I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

-Nobody waits for my cue.


(strings playing

uplifting melody)


-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Hey, Chief.


How does a woman in her 70s

-end up getting married?

-(horn honks, guests cheer)

In Italy, no less.

She takes control

of her own destiny.

(tires squeal)

-(engine idling)


I love you. Love you.


What's she doing?

-Okay, run.

-(Vivian groans)

No, actually, let's walk fast.

-(Diane chuckles)

-What-what are you...

What are you doing?

So... So, I'm gonna do

this honeymoon thing,

but I just wanted to ask,

well, what are we doing next?


I don't know, but I know

one thing for sure--

we're not gonna

leave it up to fate.




I love you guys!

("Mambo Italiano"

by Bette Midler playing)

Hey, hey

Now it's hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Go, go, Joe

You mixed-up siciliano

All you calabrese

Do the mambo like crazy

And hey, mambo

Don't wanna tarantella

Hey, mambo

No more the mozzarella,

hey, mambo

Hey, mambo italiano,

try an enchilada

With the fish-a baccal and

Hey, goombah

I love-a how you dance rumba

But take-a some advice,


Learn how to mambo

If you're gonna be a square

You're never gonna

go nowhere

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Hey, mambo italiano

Go, go, Joe

Shake-a like a Giovanno

Hello, che si dice?

Get-a happy in the feets-a

When you mambo italiano

Shake-a, baby, shake-a

'Cause I love-a

when you take-a me and

Hey, jadrool

You don't-a

have to go to school

Just make a little

beef flambino

It's-a like-a vino

Kid, you good-lookin'

But you don't know

what's a-cookin' till you

-Hey, hey

-Hey, hey

-Hey, hey, hey, hey

-Hey, hey, hey, hey

Shake-a, baby, shake-a

'Cause I love-a

when you take-a me

By the pizzeria,

that's-a where I'm gonna be-a

Don't you tell your mama,

mama's gonna tell-a papa

There's-a nothin' to it,

come on, baby, let's-a do it

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Hey, mambo

Mambo italiano

Go, go, Joe

You mixed-up siciliano

It's so delish-a,

everybody come

Capisce how to

Mambo italiano...

Hey, mambo

Hey, mambo

Do the mambo.

(song ends)

("Anywhere with You" playing)

Hey, hey, hey

Sign me up

For sunsets on a Roman patio

Hop a train

And say hello

to Michelangelo

Spin the globe,

put your finger down

I'll pick you up, let's go

Hey, hey, hey

I would go anywhere with you

From Tokyo

all the way to Timbuktu

Just let me pack,

I got your back

Through all

the thick and thin

Our dandelion dreams

Are out there

bl*wing in the wind

My friends,

I would go anywhere

Oh, anywhere with you

Pitch a tent

At Burning Man,

get crazy for a while

Jump a float

At Mardi Gras

just to see you smile

Tell me where you want to go

Train or plane, sun or snow

Life's too short

for saying no

Hey, hey, hey

I would go anywhere with you

From Tokyo

all the way to Timbuktu

Just let me pack,

I got your back

Through all

the thick and thin

Our dandelion dreams

Are out there

bl*wing in the wind

My friends,

I would go anywhere

Oh, anywhere with you

My friends,

I would go anywhere

Oh, anywhere with you

Aisle or window,

I don't care

How many hours

till we're there

I want a dry martini

in the air

And a seat right next to you

Punch my ticket, count me in

Dance till dawn

with all my friends

Read the book

right to the end

Hey, hey, hey

I would go anywhere with you

From Tokyo

all the way to Timbuktu

Just let me pack,

I got your back

Through all

the thick and thin

Our dandelion dreams

Are out there

bl*wing in the wind

My friends,

I would go anywhere

Oh, anywhere with you

My friends, go anywhere

Oh, anywhere with you

My friends, go anywhere

Oh, anywhere

With you.

(song ends)
Post Reply