01x20 - Last Chance Farm

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Petticoat Junction". Aired: September 24, 1963 – April 4, 1970.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Show centers on the goings-on at the rural Shady Rest Hotel.
Post Reply

01x20 - Last Chance Farm

Post by bunniefuu »

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(train chugging)

I sure hate to see
you go, Mr. Bagley.

Well, I hate to leave, but
I have to go back upstate.

Well, couldn't you see your way
clear to just stay one more day?

I can't.

Not even at our special
end-of-the-tourist-season,

bargain reduced rates?

I'm sorry, Kate.

I'll move you into
the bridal suite.

Kate, I'm not even married.

Well, you could pretend.

I'm sorry, I have to run.

My train's just about due.

But thanks for everything.

I sure hope the train
doesn't break down.

Otherwise, you're gonna have
to stay here a few more days.

(train whistle blows)

Oh, there she is.

Hooray.

Well, see you next year.

Well, there goes our clientele.

Who needs him? We do.

He was our last link
between us and money.

Well, I wouldn't worry, Kate.

Something will come along.

Oh, I know what will
come along... bankruptcy.

Another week
without any customers,

and we're gonna be eating
greens three times a day.

I don't see why.

We can always get
credit from Sam Drucker.

I can't go to Sam.

We already owe
him a small fortune.

I can go to Sam.

Borrowing money is a man's job.

How big a hole are we in?

Well, we have a $200
bank loan payment

to meet at the end of the week.

$200?!

That's not a hole.

That's a gol dang crater.

I want you to take this...

locket into Pixley for me.

It ought to bring a good price.

Kate, you mean you want
me to pawn your gold locket?

You're gonna have to.

I can't bear to.

Kate, you've worn
this next to your heart

since the day you were married.

Well, you better hustle along,

or you're gonna miss the train.

Kate...

And none of this nonsense
about going to Sam Drucker

with another sob story.

Sure, Kate.

Cross your heart.

Sure, Kate.

(Joe reading sign out loud)

Dang Sam Drucker.

He's out hunting canvas backs,
and I'm out 200 greenbacks.

Pardon me, sir.

Can you possibly
tell us where we are?

In front of Sam Drucker's
store in Hooterville.

(strained laughter):
Hootersville!

Good heavens, Henrietta,

they dropped us
off in a foreign land.

What were you looking for?

Madam Bovary's
Hideaway Reducing Farm.

Madam Bovary's?

Only one of the most
exclusive reducing resorts

in the entire country.

Oh, yeah.

Madam Bovary.

I hear she's charging
quite a bit these days.

$200 a week per
person, but it's worth it.

We'll do anything if you'll
only tell us how to get there.

I can tell you how
to get to a place

that will make Madam
Bovary's look like a chicken coop.

Really?

Have you ever heard of the
Shady Rest Reducing Farm?

Never. Good.

Then I'll tell you about it.

It so happens

that just 25 miles from
where we're standing

is the most exclusive
reducing resort

in North America.

The Shady Rest?

The same.

If the Shady Rest is so famous,

why haven't we heard about it?

Oh, it's too
exclusive to advertise.

Surely you've heard of
the Shady Rest motto:

"Your loss is our gain."

Well, yes.

Why, yes, I think I have.

Do you think they'd take us in?

Well, we'd sure try.

We?

Are you associated
with the Shady Rest?

Well, without me,

they wouldn't be
where they are today.

You mean that you're in charge?

I handle the business end.

Kate Bradley handles
the reducing end.

What can we lose?

Well, I'd say about,
uh, 20 pounds apiece.

Oh, I'd love to lose 20 pounds.

(laughs)

I'd settle for ten.

Fine. And our rates are only
half that of Madam Bovary's.

Let's go.

I don't know.

Madam Bovary...
Well, she's considered...

I'll tell you what.

If you're not satisfied, it
won't cost you one penny.

Now what do you say?

That sounds fair enough.

It's a deal. Now
how do we get there?

(train whistle blows)

Oh, we're just in time.

The TH & SW is here coming.

TH & SW?

Yeah, Thin Hip and
Slim Waistline Special.

(laughter)

Let's go, girls.

(brakes squeak)

Mom, guess what?

The Cannonball stopped.

Well, of course it stopped.

How else can it
drop off Uncle Joe?

Oh, it isn't just Uncle Joe.

He's bringing up
enough suitcases

to start a luggage store.

Guests? Oh, wonderful!

Run upstairs and
tidy up our best rooms.

I just can't wait to
meet this Kate Bradley.

She sounds like
an amazing woman.

She's all of that.

Wait till you meet her.

You'd never believe
she's 75 years old.

75?! My word!

(laughs)

You certainly have
an isolated spot here.

How did you ever find it?

It wasn't easy.

I have never seen
anything so quaint.

We spared no
expense to quaint it up.

(inhales, exhales)

Just smell that
clean, fresh air.

(giggles)

Ooh, it gives me shivers.

Air-sniffing and goose
bumps is on the house,

so help yourself
to all you want.

Come this way, ladies.

Kate, these two women just
love the looks of the place.

Oh... Here's a little something

I don't think you're
gonna have to part with.

(voice breaking): I sure
love you, Uncle Joe.

How do you do?

I'm Henrietta Boswell of Boston,

and this is Gertrude
Hawley of Philadelphia.

Glad to meet you.

I'm Kate Bradley of Hooterville.

Mrs. Bradley,

it is certainly no
problem to you, is it?

Oh, no. It's just a matter

of keeping everything
in top condition.

It's remarkable.

Unbelievable.

75 years old.

Yeah, and good for
many years more.

Oh, we just can't wait to
get started on your program.

Program?

Oh, yes, my daughters do
sing after supper sometimes.

Um, uh, I better, uh, go
upstairs and make sure

that your rooms are ready.

What do you think?

She is a fantastic
woman, all right.

If you think she's something,

you should see her
three old maid daughters.

You girls know I wouldn't
ask you to do anything wrong.

I guess not.

Of course not.

Ain't I been your sweet

and trusted old
uncle all these years?

But Uncle Joe, isn't that lying?

Betty Jo, it's not lying to
tell these women you're 32.

You will be 32
one of these days.

You're just telling a
truth ahead of time.

And I'm 35.

I'm 37?

You look good for your age.

I don't know what
Mom would think.

Betty Jo, we're-we're
doing this for your mom.

Why, if we can
turn the Shady Rest

into a beauty factory
for just one week,

she can meet the
payment on that loan.

Okay, Uncle Joe, if you say so.

Good girls.

Now get in there and
look well-preserved.

Good heavens!
Chicken and dumplings?

For us?

Oh, you can have all
you want at Shady Rest,

so long as you clean your plate.

I'll go get the mashed potatoes.

To think that these
lovely creatures

are actually in the middle 30s.

And you eat meals like this?

Oh, all the time.

Amazing.

How do they stay so thin?

After all, we are
here to reduce.

That's one of Kate's secrets.

It isn't how much you eat,

it's the combination
that counts.

Uh, you ladies ever
ate, uh, turnip greens?

Never. Heaven forbid.

Well, there's your answer.

You can eat all the chicken
and dumplings you want,

so long as you eat
some of our special,

home-grown
turnip greens with it.

Oh, must we?

Well, if it works, Henrietta.

(sniffs)

Take some.

Just a minute, Mr. Carson.

You eat here all the time.

Why aren't you thin?

Yes, how do you explain that?

Ladies, you're looking at
a most unfortunate soul.

I'm probably the only man living

who's allergic to turnip greens.

Well, here are the
mashed potatoes.

Would you like anything else?

Just one more thing.

Another bowl of these
fabulous turnip greens.

More pancakes, please, Mom.

Me, too.

Ooh, coming right up.

And more sausage, too.

Sorry. You're out of luck.

When Uncle Joe and our two
lady guests left the breakfast table,

most of the sausage
went with them.

I'll bet our guests
haven't tasted anything

like your sausage.

They sure haven't.

Uncle Joe ate it all.

What did they have?

Pancakes and turnip greens.

(a* chops wood in
distance) For breakfast?!

It's what they wanted.

Say, Mom, what's all
that racket out back?

That's Uncle Joe chopping wood.

Uncle Joe?

Chopping wood?!

I can't get over the change
in Uncle Joe this morning.

Just out of habit, I
said, chop some wood,

paint the back fence,

and do a few of the
chores he's been avoiding.

And listen to him out
there, going a mile a minute.

Take it easy, ladies.

You don't want to
overdo the first day.

(sighs)

Gertrude, isn't this exciting?

Personally, I think
it's exhausting.

I've never exercised in such
a... a primitive fashion before.

Well, it's all part of our
back to nature program.

Oh.

You won't see none of them
do-nothing gadgets around here

like they have in them
big city reducing saloons.

Them and their fancy bicycles,

big dumbbells and
swimming pools.

They reduce your
wallet, not your waistline.

But doesn't it seem
terribly strenuous?

I used to feel that way
about it, but not anymore.

Do you exercise this way, too?

Oh, every day.

If I had another a*, I'd
be going at it with you.

Oh, well, we hate to deprive
you of your morning exercise.

Ladies, it's my pleasure.

JOE: One, two, one,
two, one, two, one, two.

One, two, one,
two... This is fun.

It's the greatest wrist-thinning
exercise ever invented.

One, two...

Okay, ladies, that'll
be enough for now.

Run around the hotel
a couple of times,

and we'll get back to
the wrist-thinning exercise

later this afternoon.

Uncle Joe, have you

had those poor women
painting the fence?

Kate, I come down
here this morning

to do my chores, just
like you asked me,

and doggone if them
two didn't come along

in them funny-looking
clothes and take over.

They asked to do your chores?

(chuckles)

These city women sure
are peculiar in some ways.

I guess I just never
will understand rich folk.

I don't believe it, you
two gorgeous girls

can't be the two unfortunates

that came dragging
in here last night.

Have we really
changed that much?

And gotten thinner?

Well, if you shrink any more,

we'll have to send
you home in envelopes.

I can't believe we're
losing all those pounds.

Step right on here.

You go first, Gertrude.

Oh, Henrietta, I couldn't.

My heart's b*ating too fast.

All right.

My heavens.

I've lost 12 pounds.

Oh, let me try!

GERTRUDE: Henrietta, so have I.

HENRIETTA: It's unbelievable.

Henrietta, let's get on

with our wrist-
thinning exercises.

You ladies go ahead,
I'll be with you shortly.

Kate, my dear.

Hold it, Uncle Shenanigans.

What was that about
wrist-thinning exercises?

And what are
doing with the scale?

Uh, I-I-I guess
them two city women

just found another
strange way to exercise,

and I'm taking these upstairs.

Why is it, while
they're exercising,

they just happen to
be doing your work?

Oh, I don't ask questions.

I just live and let live.

You mind sitting this one out?

I've got to get these
scales upstairs.

All right.

If I can't get a straight
answer out of you,

maybe one of our
guests will give me one.

Now, wait a minute, Kate.

I don't think you
want to do that.

I don't? Why not?

You might upset them.

All right.

Then, you tell me the truth.

I always tell you the truth.

You know that, Kate.

Yeah, I know that, but sometimes

you twist it a little.

This time, I want it straight.

Let's have it.

Well, I'm afraid
this kind of truth's

gonna require
a sitting position.

I'll take it standing.

Well, you-you go ahead with it.

I'm gonna have
to tell it sitting.

And for your part
in this wild scheme...

Just as soon as I can afford

to give them back to you again,

I'm withdrawing your allowances.

We're sorry, Mom,
but we didn't want

the hotel to go bankrupt.

It's a lot cheaper at Shady Rest

than it is at Madame Bovary's.

And Uncle Joe's
keeping them happy

and saving them
money at the same time.

He couldn't bear
to sell your locket.

Oh, I know he meant well,

but there are two
ways to do things:

the right way and
Uncle Joe's way.

Well, what are you
gonna do about it?

Just what I told Uncle Joe.

After supper, I'm going in there
and tell those ladies the truth.

And there will be no more
weight-reducing turnip greens.

Oh, here you are.

Ladies, I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of sad tidings.

What's the matter?

Oh, Kate's at it again.

Kate's at what again?

Happens every time.

What happens?

Hadn't you noticed?

She's jealous of you.

(laughing): Jealous?

Small wonder with
how lovely and beautiful

you're beginning to look.

You know, Kate can't
stand being challenged

as the queen bee around here.

It's getting so we
can't keep customers

around here anymore.
What do you mean?

I'm afraid she's going
to try to coax you

into leaving with some
cock-and-bull story.

But we were making
such beautiful progress.

You bet you are.

That's why the old
girl's starting to sizzle.

She's thinking that if you
stay around here any longer,

you'll start to look too good.

Might even stumble onto
her personal miracle secret.

Personal miracle secret?

The one she ain't
never divulged,

except to her daughters
when they started

to wrinkle up a while back.

Well, I'm not leaving here

until I find out what it is.

That goes for me, too.

Okay, don't say
I didn't warn you.

She's getting green with envy.

She might even
tell you anything.

I wouldn't be
surprised if she told you

that this wasn't
a reducing farm.

She wouldn't dare.

Oh, she couldn't make
us swallow that story.

Come on, Gertrude,

let's get on with
our wrist thinning.

Thank you.

Mrs. Boswell, Mrs. Hawley,

um, I don't know
how to say this,

but, um, I'm afraid you've

been exercising
under false pretenses.

This isn't a reducing farm.

Oh? You don't say.

You see, the Shady Rest

is just a plain little
old country hotel.

Is that a fact?

And all that nonsense
about me being 75

and turnip greens
and everything...

Did you notice I-I
didn't have the nerve

to serve them to you tonight?

Yes, we noticed.

Then I wouldn't blame
you if, in the morning,

you checked out without paying.

Oh, we don't intend to
check out, Mrs. Bradley.

You don't?

No, we like it here
just the way it is.

You mean you're gonna stay?

Definitely.

And now, if you'll excuse us,

we'll have to go
on up to our rooms.

We're tired.

Night-night. Ta-ta.

Ta... We heard it all.

They didn't even
seem to mind a bit.

No.

You know, girls,
if I live to be 100,

I'll never understand city folk.

You have them. Wonderful.

Two heaping dishes
of turnip greens,

freshly filched.

After all that pot roast

and mashed potatoes
we ate, we'll need plenty.

It's so good to be
back on our diets.

Darn.

What are you looking for, Mom?

The only button that matches

the one on that dress.

Oh.

Maybe it has something
to do with the circulation.

Could be.

I found Miranda, Mom,

but I can't find her kittens.

Oh, well, as soon as I finish

fixing this meal for them,

we'll go see if
we can find them.

I sneaked a peek at her in
the kitchen a moment ago.

She's mixing all sorts
of things in a bowl.

Marvelous!

Henrietta, we may be
hitting the jackpot at last.

Be patient, honey.

This will be ready in
a couple of seconds.

This bonemeal is
great for the teeth.

What is that you're adding, Mom?

Special vitamins to build
up pep and resistance.

You're right, Henrietta.

This is the secret.

BOBBIE JO: Mom, there isn't
a living creature around here

that doesn't benefit
by what you know.

KATE: It's taken a
long time to figure out

the right combination
of ingredients.

First, you wouldn't eat it.

Then I finally found a
way to make it appetizing.

BOBBIE JO: You sure
have the secret, Mom.

KATE: There, it's all set.

Now, let's go out
in back and see

if we can find the
rest of the family.

Shall we take that along?

Oh, no, leave it...
They can eat in here.

Ugh! Did she say
this was appetizing?

I wouldn't feed it to my cat.

Betty Jo?

Over here, Mom.

We're all waiting
supper for you, dear.

Couldn't you find
your schoolbooks?

Oh, sure, but I
found something else.

The Cannonball just
sprung a new leak.

Well, I declare, it's...

it's spouting steam
like a teakettle.

It's the steam pipe
on the air pump.

I've been looking around
for something to fix it.

Well, it... it sounds bad.

Is it serious?

Not really, but
I just can't bear

to see the Cannonball
bleed like this.

I can't hear what
they're saying,

but it looks to me like
they're breathing that steam.

Yes, they are, aren't they?

Do you suppose the
boiler of that locomotive

is filled with water

that has some kind
of rare minerals in it?

It's possible.

And it could be that
the miracle takes place

when the water turns to steam.

Please, Mom, please.

All right, Betty Jo,
you can use the clamp

off the garden hose to
fix it, but after supper.

Floyd and Charley are starving.

Come on, let's go.

Thanks, Mom, the new
pipe's rusting out awful fast.

It's no wonder with the hard
water we got around here.

Come on.

It sure does have
an effect, doesn't it?

Well, it's so chock
full of minerals.

Then, when it's heated

and you put pressure
on it, never fails.

You're right.

It's the water that
does it every time.

Well, Henrietta, shall we?

My dear, we've
tried Swedish steam

and Turkish steam and
Finnish steam, but now,

for the greatest steam of all:

the Kate Bradley
miracle steam of youth.

Oh, Henrietta,
isn't this exciting?

Oh, divine.

Ladies, don't tell
me you're leaving.

Yes, it's time we went
home, Mr. Carson.

Well, I guess all good things

have to come to an end.

You ain't got no
idea what staying

at the Shady Rest
has done for you.

Oh, yes, we have.

Indeed.

You look years
younger, both of you.

And we feel younger, Mr. Carson.

That's because we learned
Mrs. Bradley's secret.

You what?

You did? Shh.

Oh, oh, girls,
girls, would you get

the ladies' baggage
down to the tracks.

We did learn your
secret, Mrs. Bradley.

My secret?

Just a minute,
Mr. Carson, come here.

You're very much
involved in this, you know.

Mrs. Bradley, we've been
following you for days,

from the rooster's first crow

to the time you go to bed.

And we know your secret.

I don't know what you mean.

What secret?

What keeps you
young and attractive.

Ladies, why don't we
just forget the whole thing?

Your secret, Mrs.
Bradley, is hard work.

We have never seen anyone
tackle work the way you do.

You're incredible.

You're not 75 years old

like this old rascal
would have us believe,

but you're still an
incredible woman.

Old maid daughters in their 30s

don't usually go to high school,

do they, Mr. Carson?

Well, ordinarily,
no, but these girls

didn't take up book
learning until they...

You old rogue, you
tricked us, didn't you?

Now admit it.

Well, now, ladies,

there's two ways
to look at that.

You see... Uncle Joe...

Okay, I admit it.

I'm sorry, ladies.

I am, too, and you don't owe us

a penny for staying here.

Don't be silly.

We had a wonderful time.

We've been on so many
diets for the last six months.

Eating again was heavenly.

Your food, Mrs.
Bradley, is fabulous.

I know, but it's-it's
not fair for you to pay.

You came here
to take off weight.

Well, we can do
that horrible thing

at Madame Bovary's.

Let's go, Gertrude.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bradley.

Mr. Carson... (jaunty laugh)

Good-bye, ladies, and thank you.

Yeah, thanks a million, ladies.

And good-bye.

Good-bye, you old rascal.

Well, it...

worked out pretty
good after all.

Only because they
were such nice ladies.

What would you have done

if they hadn't paid
for staying here?

I wasn't worried.

You see, I just got word

Sam Drucker's back
from his hunting trip.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
Post Reply