01x38 - The Genghis Keane Story

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Petticoat Junction". Aired: September 24, 1963 – April 4, 1970.*
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Show centers on the goings-on at the rural Shady Rest Hotel.
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01x38 - The Genghis Keane Story

Post by bunniefuu »

To close out the first
season of Petticoat Junction,

we have a story that
brings back a person

from Kate's school days...

Namely, the ultra-strict teacher

that Kate dreads seeing again.

Veteran actress Lurene Tuttle

plays Adelaide Keane.

And this episode also
features an appearance

by Ken Osmond, who many TV fans

will remember as Eddie Haskell

on Leave it to Beaver.

From June 9, 1964, here's
our first season finale,

"The Genghis Keane Story."

Oh, our last one for this year.

It's been so great to
be with you. Oh, it has.

Gosh, it's nice to see you.

And it's been so great to be
with you. And please enjoy it.

We hope you enjoy
Petticoat Junction.

(laughing)

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

What's the rush?

Oh, I got to b*at my
sisters up to the hotel.

I want to see the
look on Mom's face

when she gets a load
of Billie Jo's new dress.

Yeah, that ought to
be right entertaining.

That's what I figured.

So long. Bye, honey.

Hey, Betty Jo,
don't forget the mail!

Thanks, Floyd.

(chuckles): What was that?

A blur, otherwise
known as our baby sister.

Well... here goes, and
wish me a lot of luck.

Sure, but you're gonna
need an awful lot of it.

You know, that dress
is much too tight.

Mom's never
gonna let you keep it.

Well, it's all a
matter of psychology.

Come on and see.

(sighs)

Mom, will you take
a look at this dress?

Don't you think I ought to take
it back and get a size smaller?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

But, Mom, it hangs on
me like a burlap sack.

I don't think so.

Well, all right, if you say so.

I'll keep it.

No, you won't.
You'll take it back

and exchange it for
one two sizes larger.

Mom.

You'll do as I say or
you won't keep it at all.

(clicking tongue): Gee, Mom.

All right, get one...
one size larger.

Mom, thank you.

You know, I had this
planned so cleverly.

Something went wrong.

Well, next time, make
sure you don't use

the same psychology tricks
I used when I was your age.

I knew you'd do it, Mom,
I just didn't know how.

I say, jolly good
show, smashing.

Well, have to get cracking.

Ta-ta.

Anything for me, Uncle Joe?

No, couple here for some
fella named Shady Rest Hotel.

Wouldn't it be easier if you
opened it up and read it?

I'll bet you a nickel
this one's a bill.

Uh-uh, the odds are
too much in your favor.

Some company wants us
to buy a couple of minks,

start a mink farm.

Hey, that wouldn't
be a bad idea...

Breeding mink coats.

Did they tell you where
to buy the silkworms?

Silkworms?

So we can breed
linings for the coat.

Taking them wisecracking
pills again, huh?

Here's one for you
marked "personal."

Oh.

Oh, it's a reservation.

Well, that's good news.

Says she'll be here
on the 1:00 train.

Well, it must be about 3:00 now.

She'll probably arrive
on that 2:30 run at 5:00.

(chuckles)

If it's on time.

Who's the new guest?

Adelaide Keane.

You know anybody by that name?

Miss Keane?

Is she coming here, old
Genghis Keane herself?

Genghis Keane?

Yeah, she was the
teacher who was so strict

her pupils nicknamed
her after Genghis Khan...

You know, the roughest,
toughest barbarian

that ever lived.
(chuckling): Oh.

The names you
give your teachers.

Why, when I went to
school, we had some resp...

Wait a minute.

Miss Keane was my teacher, too.

(gasps) Well, what do you know?

Old Genghis is coming here.

Didn't she retire a year ago?

Uh-huh, she said she
was going to travel.

Wait till Billie Jo
hears about this.

Miss Keane used to give
her an awful hard time.

I remember once she
caught me chewing on a pencil

and she kept me after school

until I chewed up the
whole box of pencils.

(laughs)

Well, I never
chewed on one since.

Well, if you think
that's something, Mom,

you should have
been there the day

that she caught someone
chewing gum in my class.

She made him stand and face
the blackboard for 15 minutes.

(Joe chuckling)

Well, sounds like
he deserved it.

Mom, this was another teacher.

Oh.

Well, she was
pretty strict, all right,

but she was the best teacher
that Hooterville ever had.

She sure was.

Remember the big
testimonial dinner

they gave for her retirement?

Oh, that was a big event.

What'd they present
her with... gold whip?

(bell clanging)

Now... watch.

She's going to take over
like she owns the place.

She'll demand the
best room in the hotel,

prompt service, and...

Miss Keane, how nice to see you.

Welcome to Shady Rest.

Hello, Katherine.

It's nice of you to
accept me as a guest.

Nice of us?

It's, it's an honor
to have you here.

Hello, Miss Keane.

Hello, Bobbie Jo.

Hello, Miss Keane.

Billie Jo, how nice to see you.

And, uh, you already
know Uncle Joe,

and that's my
youngest, Betty Jo.

How do you do, Betty Jo?

How do you do, Miss Keane?

You're looking very well.

Oh, there's no need
to be polite, dear.

Oh, b... U-Uncle Joe,

would you show Miss
Keane to room 12?

Sure, Kate.

Watch her spring into action

when I tell her supper
is going to be late.

Oh, Miss Keane, uh,

supper is going to
be a little late tonight.

That's perfectly all right.

Sure had her spotted, Kate.

She's real terrifying.

That's who you
nicknamed Genghis Keane?

That timid little old lady?

I can't understand it.

Well, she must have
gotten into that mood

from all that traveling.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

We got to snap her out of it.

Mom, that's going to
take a lot of snapping.

(chuckles) She's
coming down, Mom.

Oh, I'm glad.

What's holding up supper, Kate?

You got four
starving loafers here.

Well, just tighten up your
belts for a few minutes.

We got to try and
get that poor woman

riled up enough
to insult one of us.

Come on, girls.

Are you ready for
supper, Miss Keane?

Oh, yes, but I don't seem

to have much of an
appetite these days.

Oh, well, um,
have you ever tried

chewing on a pencil
like this, Miss Keane?

(crunches)

Well, if you think
it would help.

Those pills I've been
taking don't seem

to be doing me any good.

How do you like my
new dress, Miss Keane?

It's very pretty, dear.

It's a nice color, too.

Is that gum you're chewing
and pulling out of your mouth?

Yes, it is, it's gum.

Disgusting.

Could I have a stick
after supper, please?

I don't think a stick
of gum's going to do it.

We may have to try
a stick of dynamite.

Did Miss Keane get her
glass of warm milk, dear?

Yes, but she didn't drink it.

She got too involved

in helping Betty Jo
with her homework.

Why is she bothering
that poor woman?

Oh, well, because Betty
Jo is having a little trouble

with her algebra, and
she heard us all talking

about what a great
teacher Miss Keane is.

Mm. (sighs)

(chuckling): What's
the matter, dear?

I just made a terrible mistake.

I asked Miss Keane to give me
a little help with my homework.

That's not the thing to do.

You said it.

What she gave me
was a lot of help.

And Mom, were you ever right
about Miss Keane as a teacher.

She's the toughest thing
this side of the railroad tracks.

(Kate and Bobbie Jo chuckling)

Bobbie Jo, you go
up to Miss Keane

and ask her for help
on your homework, too.

But, Mom, I don't need any help.

Oh, yes, you do,
now go on and get it.

Mom, I'm an "A" student.

Not anymore.

From now on, you're
a struggling C-minus.

Oh, I get it.

Struggling C-minus
student Bobbie Jo Bradley

ready to report to active
duty to Miss Keane's room.

Good girl.

(knocking)

Oh, hi, Mom, Billie,
come on in, please.

Back to your work, Betty Jo.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, Katherine, what is it?

Oh, I just wondered

if you knew it was getting late.

Thank you for the information.

Anything else?

Don't you want some sleep?

No. I do.

Katherine, you're disrupting us.

Can't you see that?

Now, unless you're
prepared to take charge

of these sadly neglected
studies, please leave.

Yes, ma'am, Miss
Keane, gladly, gladly.

Mom, are you going to let
Miss Keane insult you that way?

Well, until she
finds another way,

that way's going
to do just fine.

Just fine.

(sighing): Good morning.

Morning. Did Miss
Keane come down yet?

She just went into
the dining room.

What's the matter
with you girls?

Don't you feel well?

We're bushed, Mom.

Last night was our
third tour of duty.

How about sending
in some replacements?

We're getting battle fatigue.

Now, girls...

you should be happy
about doing a good deed.

Allowing Miss Keane to help
you is just what she needs

to get back some
of her confidence.

She may be getting back
hers, but we're losing ours.

And she's worked out
a plan of att*ck for us

for every night next week.

Genghis Keane rides again.

Billie Jo, I will not have
you calling her that name.

I'm sorry.

Betty Jo, you
bring in the coffee.

Genghis is waiting... I
mean Miss Keane is waiting.

You may be seated now.

Yes, ma'am.

Gentlemen will be gentlemen
as long as I am a guest here.

What happened, what's wrong?

Didn't you know, Kate?

Gentlemen always rise
when a lady enters a room

and they don't set
down until a lady has sat.

Oh.

I like that.

I think this could be fun.

Now, Betty Jo, stop that.

Uncle Joe is right, Betty Jo.

I just wanted to
see if it would work.

Well, did you sleep
well, Miss Keane?

I'm getting the best
sleep I've had in years.

What's going on?

I've decided it's time

the men around here
acted like gentlemen.

Now, just a minute.

Don't nobody tell me
I ain't no gentleman.

Joseph Carson, do you realize

you've accomplished
the impossible?

"Don't nobody tell me
I ain't no gentleman."

Four negatives in an
eight-word sentence.

Did you hear that, Mort?

I ain't never had no
education neither.

Obviously.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

You may be seated, Billie Jo.

Now we can begin our breakfast.

Oh, not yet, Miss Keane.

Charley and Floyd aren't here.

Don't they know when
you serve breakfast?

Oh, yes, but they're
always a little late.

Perhaps if they
missed a meal or two,

they'd learn to be on time.

Now, Billie Jo, as
soon as we finish eating,

we'll, uh, start a
course of study for you.

Mom.

I think it's a good idea.

Kate, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Don't bother about getting up.

It's only me.

What's the matter, Uncle Joe?

That visiting demon

from the world of
books and rules.

That's what's the matter.

You gotta get rid of her, Kate.

She's ruining
everything around here.

Uncle Joe, I-I know
she has been hard

on the family. It
ain't just the family.

She's ruining all
the business we got.

Uncle Joe, aren't you
jumping to conclusions again.

Yeah, well, how's this
for conclusion jumping?

This morning, she
ran off two salesmen

before they had
time to check in.

Well, maybe they
weren't even gonna...

Kate, I came here to
loaf not to be lectured.

I'm checking out. What happened?

Seems like I shouldn't
have come to the table

without being clean-shaven.

Oh. Also I did the unforgivable.

I split an infinitive and
dangled a participle.

When she leaves, I'll be back.

Are you satisfied?

Well, Uncle Joe,
if I... if I tell her

she's been carrying
her authority too far

it'll break her heart.
Well, if you don't

it'll break our
measly bank balance.

I guess you're right.

I-I'll fix her a nice
supper tonight

and then I'll try and find a way

of telling her that
she has to leave

first thing in the
mornin'. Good girl, Kate.

And give it to her straight.

Really get it across,

don't act like
you're afraid of her.

Where you going?

Upstairs to shave.

Serving supper already? Yes.

And then I, uh, want
to tell you something.

Where are the others?

The girls?

Oh, they're around,
uh, somewhere.

We're having your
favorite for desert...

Blueberry pie.

And then I want to
tell you something.

And your Uncle Joe, he
doesn't seem like the type

who would miss supper.

She insults you to your
face then turns right around

and does it behind
your back, too.

And the salesman,

and Charles and
Floyd, where are they?

Uh, they're around.

Now, I want to
tell you something.

Oh, I-I just know.

(crying): It's the same
old story all over again.

Everywhere I go I-I
drive people from me.

(crying)

Katherine,

I'm going to be
leaving in the morning.

And then you can get
your lovely daughters

and your wonderful
friends back again.

Now that makes
it easier for Kate.

She's saying what Mom
would've found it hard to say.

This is a cinch.

Miss Keane, I...

I never heard such
nonsense in all my life.

Why-why the
reason nobody is here

is because...

well, the-the girls
are-are up in their room

having a picnic supper.

No ants, you know?

And-and Uncle Joe and the boys,

they have a-a running
game of pinochle

they play on the Cannonball.

Going from
Hooterville to Pixley.

And salesmen, they come and go.

You know how they are.

You mean, I really
haven't scared them off?

You, scare people off?

(laughing)

Oh, that's amusing.

Sometimes when it comes
to handling a situation,

your mother is pathetic.

You not only brought honor

to the Shady Rest by
your mere presence,

but culture and discipline.

Bankruptcy, and disaster.

Oh, Katherine,

your words are very reassuring.

Well, I'm glad.

You may serve when ready.

Uncle Joe, girls, I, uh...

We know, Mom. We heard.

Well, I just couldn't
be responsible

for making that poor
woman depressed again.

We understand, Mom.

It's just that Miss Keane
has to be a teacher

no matter where she is.

Yeah, but why did that
where have to be here?

Maybe we can find
another way to handle this.

Oh, sure, we can.

Well, we've worked our way out

of tougher situations before.

You bet we have.

And there's never,
never been a problem

we couldn't lick. Never!

Right!

But there's gotta be a
first time for everything.

Sam, this is the
best spot in town

for this project.

Well, you know
what they say, Kate.

Stand in front of Sam
Drucker's store for 24 hours

and you'll meet every
citizen in Hooterville.

Yeah. Here comes Fred Ziffel.

Oh, girls, get ready.

You're going after
the likes of him?

A dropout's a dropout.

(Fred chuckles, pig snorts)

Well, well, free
refreshment, huh?

Where are they?

Well, I have to ask you a
few questions first, Fred.

Uh, do you believe in education?

Yep.

Congratulations!

You did it! You won!

I did? Yeah!

Well, Sam, how about that?

I won myself free refreshments.

Oh, uh, just a minute.

Uh, you did finish
grade school, didn't you?

Well, almost.

How far did you go?

Fourth grade.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, that's a shame,
that's too bad. Oh.

Well, Betty, you better
cross out refreshment.

Well, now, hold on now,

let's talk a little more now.

Maybe I can win 'em back.

Oh, all right.

Uh, did you know
that statistics show

that the more
education a person's got

the more successful
he's bound to be.

Well, you're doggone right I do.

If them loafers
down at the pool hall

had as much education as me,

they might be pig farmers, too.

And if you had more,

you'd be a better pig farmer.

And wouldn't it make you
proud to be able to tell folks

that you'd gone as
far as the fifth grade.

Oh, yeah, that would
be nice, wouldn't it?

Now, all you have to
do is come to school

one night a week.

That's when we
serve the refreshments.

And you read about
the president saying

he wanted every American
to get as much education

as he possibly
could, didn't you?

Do you consider
yourself a good American?

Well, I'll fight the first
man that says I ain't.

Be at the railroad
crossing nearest your house

Monday night at 8:15.

And sign right there.

Oh, that's all I got to do, huh?

(pig squealing)

All right.

Now I shall be there.

Well, I'll see you all there.

(pig squealing)

Oh, I almost forgot
what I come after.

Sam, give me a jar
of that bubble bath.

Our first drop-in.

Hi, Billie Jo.

Whatcha doin'? Well, hi, Harold.

He left high school
after his first year.

It's sure nice to see you.

Where have you
been keeping yourself?

Oh, I've been around.

You have, huh?

Then I guess it's
me that hasn't been.

Since the only time I'm
free is Monday nights.

Yeah?

Then how about a date
for this Monday night?

Oh, I'd love to!

Oh, dear.

That's the night I
have to help Mom

with her new educational
program for dropouts.

Well, I'm a dropout.

Mmm, maybe some
other time, Harold.

Bye.

(whispering): He's hooked!

Mrs. Bradley,

Mmm? I'd like to
join your program

for dropouts. Oh.

Oh, Harold.

You are the tricky
one, aren't you?

You have to get up
pretty early to outsmart me.

Sign here.

I'll see you Monday
night, Billie Jo.

If it wasn't for his own good,

I'd disapprove of
that method, Billie Jo.

Mom, we need more pupils.

(pig squealing)

Well, so long, Fred.

Have fun in school.

Bye. Bye, Fred, see
you Monday night.

Bye-bye. You know, Sam,

offering the use of your
property was very nice of you.

Ah, it's a pleasure, Kate.

Sorry I can't do more.

Oh, you can.

Well, you just
name it and I'll do it.

Well, as I recall,

you dropped out of
school in the seventh grade.

Yeah... Oh, now,
wait a minute, Kate.

I'm a self-educated man.

Betty. Got it!

Sam Drucker, eighth grade.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

I'm mayor of Hooterville

and the editor of
the newspaper...

Great, Sam!

I got a hunch you're
gonna be teacher's pet.

(engine chugging)

Charlie's slowing
down for Harold Boggs.

Um, I'll help him with
his lesson, Miss Keane.

I never felt so
stupid in all my life.

Do you think she'll
give us homework?

Knock it off, will ya, fellas?

Samuel, Joseph, Floyd!

I will not tolerate
any whispering.

Now read your lessons.

I'm going to ask
questions later.

(whistle blowing,
engine chugging)

Hi, Billie Jo.

Hi. Are you gonna sit near me?

You never can tell.

Harold, sit right there.

(whispering): That's
Genghis Keane.

She's the reason I left
school in the first place.

She's changed, you'll see.

Harold Boggs, take your seat!

She's changed all right.

From a raging
tiger to a raging lion.

Fred, you can't bring
your pig to school!

Well, if Mary can
bring her little lamb,

I can bring my little pig.

Come on in, Ruthie,
and see for yourself.

Hello, Ruthie.

I didn't believe him.

I thought he was meeti"
another woman here.

I got a terrible
jealous nature, Kate.

Uh, well, um... now
that you're here,

how about continuing
your education?

I don't mind if I do.

Then I can be near my man. Sure.

I'll have Miss Keane
fix you a lesson.

Uh, how far did
you go in school?

Oh, I finished the third year.

In high school? Nope.

Grade school.

When I drop out,
I don't fool around.

I got a feeling

this school's never gonna
turn out a Madame Curie.

Joseph Carson, give
that book back to Floyd.

Well, make him stop
throwing spitballs.

Fred Ziffel.

Ma'am?

Must you hold
that pig in your lap?

No.

Ruthie can hold it in her lap.

Joseph, if you don't give
that book back to Floyd,

you'll stay after school
and clean the ashtray.

When's recess?

Miss Keane, uh,

what happens if I don't
show up next Monday?

You'll bring a note
from your father.

What happens if I don't show up?

You bring a note from your son.

Now, class, open
your books to page ten.

We will begin with
paragraph one.

Now, who can tell us

what are the basic
components of a sentence?

Harvard University, watch out.

Are you sure Sam found
her a nice place to stay?

Just perfect, Mom.

Right near the library.
Here she comes.

Oh, dear!

This is a such a wonderful
group I hate to spoil it

by giving you bad news.

Bad news, Miss Keane?

Oh, yes.

I'm going to have to
leave the Shady Rest.

Oh. Why?

Well as long as I have
so many dropout pupils

and class is three
nights a week,

I'm forced to move into
town to be near the library.

Miss Keane, what a shame.

Please don't go, Miss Keane.

The place won't be
the same without you.

Oh, Katherine, girls,

don't make me feel any
worse than I already do.

You must try to understand
that as busy as I'm going to be,

I cannot afford to lose
precious time in transit.

I'm afraid she's right, Kate.

This then, my friends,
is not good-bye,

but merely au revoir.

(whistle blowing)

Oh, never mind.

I can carry my own bag.

Yes, teacher.

Good bye, Miss Keane. Bye-bye.

Come back and see us.

Until the Cannonball's
out of sight,

don't nobody say nothing.

Uncle Joe.

What's the matter,
Kate? She can't hear me.

She-she's only
been gone seconds,

and already you're back
to using double negatives.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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