03x22 - For Whom the Smell Tolls Adventure (part 2)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Great North". Aired: January 3, 2021 – present.*
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Following the Alaskan adventures of the Tobin family, as a single dad, Beef, does his best to keep his weird bunch of kids close by.
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03x22 - For Whom the Smell Tolls Adventure (part 2)

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously...

Hello, Lone Moose Lovers.
It's us, your prom committee.


- [exclaiming]
- Okay, these earthquakes


are officially freaking me out.

MOON:
You dug holes in the ground


and just dumped meat in them?

All of that gas
will eventually...


Explode.
The kids! The prom!


- What the hell is that?!
- KIMA: Oh, no.


- This is bad.
- WOLF: Bel Biv DeVoe!


So this is how we all go.

[growls, roars]

[engine starts]

BEEF: All right,
so here's the situation.

The bunker full of rotting meat
underneath the school blew up

during the prom and there's
no way to un-blow it.

Ugh, and we can't
get ahold of the kids

because they all
put their phones

into some kind of dumb safe
or something.

It's a "live in the moment"
lockbox.

Gibbons has been bedazzling it
for weeks.

We just need to
get across this meat muck,

past those extremely
dangerous pizzlies

- and get our kids out.
- I've got my r*fle in my car.

You want me
to take care of 'em?

I k*lled a crazed bear
at the zoo once.

I doubt he could have
gotten out of the cage,

but I wasn't gonna
take any chances.

No, Dorothy, I'm afraid
we can't sh**t the pizzlies

because they're endangered

and they're not actively
k*lling anyone right now.

I've called Anchorage
emergency services,

but unfortunately it's gonna
take them a while to get here.

So we just got to
stay calm until then.

I can't just stay calm, Mayor P.

My sweet sibs
are in that school.

I think I can
outrun those bears.

On the track team they called me
Sprintin' Tarantino,

mostly because I would do
Tarantino movie quotes

- the whole time I ran.
- Wolf, those bears can run miles per hour,

and I don't think they've seen
any Tarantino films.

What?
Not even Pulp Fiction?

Damn it.
I can't just wait around.

I'm gonna see if
I can cross in my truck.

I'm going, too.

And I'm going too, too.

Because... cool hero line.

Babe, did you want to say
a cool hero line

but then you couldn't
come up with one?

Yup. Because this really feels
like an action movie now.

Which is good because
they always have happy endings,

and that's the only thing
keeping me from

freaking out about my damn fam.

Well then, encouraging line
from your smart, hot wife.

Oh, God, we're stuck.

Those bears will tear through
this truck like a tin can.

- We got to run.
- Walt, the child locks are on!

Oh, right. My niece Barbara
was in the car, and...

- Walt, unlock!
- Right, right.

[grunts]
Uh-oh.

[growling]

Wolf! No!

"They call it
a Royale with Cheese!"

Aah!

[groans]

The good news is that pizzly
is gonna be a snoozly

for about four hours.

The bad news is

that was my second to last
tranquilizer dart.

Ooh, so pointy. [groans]

And that was the last one.

Oop. Well, I'll go tuck
Cheesecake in in the van

and let him get a little rest.

And I'll call the Lone Moose
Senior Archery Club

so they can set up a perimeter.

They are terrible at archery,
but it's better than nothing.

And maybe a couple of them
will let themselves

get eaten if need be.

They've lived full lives.

Okay, so we tried

to figure out how to get out
or get help,

but we cannot
find the teachers anywhere.

Wait, there is one adult here.

Excuse me, Mr. DJ Airhorn,
can you help us?

I'm actually and a half.
I'm an emancipated minor.

[hip-hop air horn blares]
S-Sorry, sorry.

I-I air horn when I'm anxious.

You guys
on the other side of this

weird, disgusting slime river

have to leave the school
and go find help.

We'd love to, yes,
but we checked all the exits

and a bunch of aggressive bears

are surrounding the school.
[rumbling]

- [all exclaiming]
- GILL: It's getting deeper!

- Oh, my God, it's growing.
- Everyone, calm down.

Listen to me, your
duly elected prom president.

Is it true that Crispin and I
only wanted to become

president
and vice president of prom

so we could feel drunk on power

and commandeer the best snacks?

A hundred percent.

But now, we are facing
a true disaster,

and we are going to
get you out of here.

Yes. Then we'll go have
the perfect prom somewhere else.

Like that Curves gym that
just went out of business.

Eh, all right, Ham, Crispin,
what do we do?

Uh, how about grabbing
those hay bales

and making a bridge across
whatever this gunk is?

Solid plan,
Ham-mander in chief,

and may I say, four more years.

[all groan]

Oh, God, we definitely
can't get across.

Excuse me, Mr. President,

should I climb the rope
to the skylight,

open it, and climb out
on the roof?

Uh, can you really
climb the ro... Ooh.

- Whoa! Look at him go.
- [grunting]

I know he's trying to save
all of our classmates,

but I hate watching him do it.

Aw, crab apples, it's locked.

[all exclaim]

Hey. I lived in the school
for a week because my mom asked

if I wanted to quote, unquote
"go on a nice walk" with her.

And I found a secret way
to the roof

through the theater
using the catwalks.

All right, those of us on
this side will go with Bethany,

get on to the roof,
open the skylight, and save you.

And you guys
on the other side just, uh,

you know, hang out,
relax, mingle.

Everyone who's coming with us,

grab a hockey stick
for protection.

It could save your life.

And it could be helpful
if the bears challenge us

to a hockey game.

Oh, let me grab my tuba

in case we want
some walking music.

[Gibbons grunting]

It won't budge.

The earthquake must have
knocked it out of alignment.

I told you all we shouldn't
put our phones

in the "live in the moment"
lockbox.

Adults shouldn't
live in the moments.

- Moments are bad.
- Hey.

Except for every moment
with you, my darling,

which is obviously a dream.

Well, luckily I have something
I think might cheer us up.

Now, I'm new to hip-hop dancing,
so bear with me, but here goes.

[grunting]

Why on Earth is
the ground still rumbling?

The bunker already blew.

Oh, that rumbling must be
coming from the second bunker.

Bunker two. [chuckles]
She's a biggie.

- [all gasp]
- I'm sorry, what?

Oh, "biggie." It's a cute way
of saying something is big.

No, the part about
the second bunker!

Yes, uh, there's a second bunker
and it's, um, much bigger.

Uh, sorry, I thought
you already knew about it.

It's right there
in the blueprints.

- Let me see those.
- I love the way you did that.

Just like The Rock
in that movie Blueprints.

Oh, he humiliated
that dumb-ass city.

See? Here it is.

It's twice as big
as the other bunker.

All right, listen up,
me and Wolf are now the people

in the disaster movie
who stand near the blueprints.

Oh, do you know
how to read those?

No, but in movies like this
it's always the person

with the least experience
who finds the solution.

Exactly. And we'll keep
flipping through them

'cause at some point,
we might notice something

on these babies that will be
the key to saving us all.

There's got to be a way
to diffuse the pressure

on this bologna b*mb
before it blows.

Nothing relieves my pressure

like a nice lavender-scented bath.

- Is that something?
- It's not,

but I think I know
what we need to do.

PEPPERS: Thank you both for
volunteering to climb down

into the bunker
and relieve the pressure.

Our town won't soon
forget your sacrifice.

Uh, we're planning to live.

Oh, yes, sorry.

Thank you for your
possible sacrifice.

That's a little better.

So, this is how you would slide
the meat waste into the bunker?

Yes, it was
pretty enjoyable to watch.

People would gather around.

We had a couple of
Meat Chute meet cutes.

Also, a few deaths
when people tumbled in.

We covered those up, too.
We were not a good company.

All right. Beef and I
will crawl down there

and carefully drill
into the bunker wall

to create a relief valve

to prevent the bunker
from exploding.

I've got my drill,
my backup drill

and my spare drill.

Hmm. Maybe I should get
my van drill out of the van.

I think we're good.

And while you're down there,
I'll go to the junkyard

and get my ultimate
Mad Max style rescue vehicle

out of her maxi pad.

That's what I call the shed
I keep her in.

I also keep
my maxi pads in there.

You just have a Mad Max style
rescue vehicle sitting around?

Of course.
I also have maxi pads.

- Did you hear that part?
- All right, we're going in.

It's time to calm
this grumpy gravy down.

You boys come back, you hear me?
You come back.

- How's it going with Eli?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Yeah. Me too, me too.

- With Laird. It's good.
- [low growling]

Please tell me that was
someone's stomach.

Or butt.

[all exclaim]
[roars]

The scary bears
are in the building now?

They know how to use doors?

I hope they learn
how to use typewriters.

I'd love for them to be able
to tell their own stories.

Get in, get in, get in!

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- [exclaims]

[all gasp]

If he gets in here,
I'll let him eat me

so you guys can run.
[chuckles]

I'm a human version
of a giant party hoagie.

Yeah, we'll cut you into
sections and yell,

- [chuckles] "Help yourself."
- [laughs]

All this Laird sandwich talk

reminds me of
what's in the cafeteria.

- Oh. Chairs!
- Very good, Ham. But also

- food.
- Oh, I'm too terrified to eat right now.

- But help yourself.
- Not for us, Ham.

- For the bears.
- Right. I get it now.

But also, explain to me
exactly what you mean.

I can't believe
we have to climb down here

all because of that selfish
meat company that left

a disgusting stain
on the perfect dinner plate

that is Lone Moose.

Well, I don't know
about perfect.

Lone Moose is like many towns...
some good, a lot of bad.

Mm-mmm. All good, zero bad.
Agree to disagree.

- Ah, watch your head. It looks like the tunnel
- Uh...

- narrows up here.
- Uh, uh...

You okay there, pal?

Uh, I was, uh, uh, hoping that
this wouldn't happen,

but sometimes I have
a little crazy claustrophobia.

I'm, uh...
[chuckles weakly]

kind of frozen right now.

- Okay, how-how can I help?
- Uh, there is a song

that kind of helps if I sing it.

I'm here for you.
Let's do it.

Okay.

Think about it

There must be higher love

Down in a heart
or hidden in the stars above

BOTH:
Without It

Life is wasted time

Look inside your heart

I'll look inside mine

Better, let's keep going.

Bring me a higher love

I see it.
There's the wall to the bunker.

You keep singing,
I'll start drilling.

Worlds are turning.

WOLF: Huh.

I don't think I'm leaning
cool enough

when I stare at the blueprints

'cause I'm not seeing
a solution.

Mm, I think we got to
concentrate harder, hon.

Like, like we're almost
angry at the blueprints.

Oh. What if we tried
stroking our chins and going,

- "Hmm."
- Great idea.

BOTH: Hmm...

- Whoa, how long did it take you to make this?
- Decades.

Some people dream
of their wedding day,

I've always dreamt
of being asked to save

the town's children
with a specialty vehicle.

I brought some gear to make
some modifications

and get her across that muck.

You just give me some time
and I'll give you those kids.

That was a very cool line, Kyle.

I'm trying hard
not to be jealous.

We've run out of luck
but we haven't run out of truck.

And another one.

[growling]

Sloppy Joes, go.

[grunts]

Took the bait!
Go, go, go, go, go.

[exclaims]

- [grunts]
- Wow, you're strong.

Yeah, I do a tuba workout called
Brass 'n' Ass.

My doctor says I have way more
abs than I'm supposed to.

- Your date's funny, Judy.
- Yeah.

And yours is great.
I mean, he's smart

and he's got a huge instrument

that he carries around
all the time.

I love that.

Is it possible that
we each chose the wrong...

Hold up, here's the door
to the roof.

My emergency provisions...

a Minions voodoo doll,
Mad Libs...

Oh, and a phone.

A phone!
We're gonna get saved

and have our
Moments prom at Curves.

We won't get a signal in here

but it usually works
on the roof.

And if there's enough
moonlight up there,

I wouldn't mind a cr*ck
at those Mad Libs.

I spent my spring break up here,
so I went for a beachy vibe.

Oh, wow, you've got
refreshments? [gasps]

Are these
Larry's Stiff Limeades?

Depends. You a cop?

Guys, you're saved.
We saved you.

We're heroes.
Start climbing.

BOTH:
Worlds are turning

And we're just hanging on

Facing our fear

And standing
out there alone.

- We're through.
- Brace for heavy stink!

Uh-oh, more than stink
is coming out.

[both screaming]

- Dad!
- Walt!

Oh, thank God, you're alive.

Beef , meat .

Well, Beef, if I had to be
vomited out of a hole

in the ground with anyone,
I'm glad it was you.

- Same.
- Uh, guys, get over here.

You know how I said
I might find something good

in the blueprints?
Instead,

I found something
really, really bad.

BEEF: Rutger Tobin?

- But that's...
- There's another huge bunker.

It's not labeled, but it's under
the school and it's about

ten times
the size of bunker two.

- Oh, God.
- Of course, bunker number three.

we called it
the Devil's Derriere.

[all gasp]

How could I forget?

If it ever blew, ooh,

it would k*ll everyone
in that school for sure.

Damn it. All right.
Beef and I will go in again.

- Let's move.
- Oh, there's no way in to

the Devil's Derriere.

We got pretty sloppy
toward the end,

and just dumped meat
in a huge hole,

sealed it up and walked away.

The good news is it's a lot
deeper than the other two,

so there's still a chance
it's fro...

[loud rumbling]
[all exclaim]

Or that sound means
it's gonna blow any minute now.

- We should get out of here.
- What about the kids?

Oh, right. Of course.
You guys... like them?

- Yes!
- Kyle, we need that truck now.

Minutes away here, boss.
Just getting the treads on.

[phone rings]
Hello?

Ham, are you okay?
Where are you?

The roof?

Oh, my God, the roof!
The kids are safe... look!

HAM: Dad? There's meat in the school,
and mutants everywhere,

and all the teachers
abandoned us! Also,

I'm sorry,
how's your day going?

Wait, what do you mean
the teachers abandoned you?

Oh, they aren't here.
Aren't they out there?

They are not.

They must be trapped
in the school somewhere.

Okay. Well, you guys will just
save them after you save us.

Which brings me to the question,
why haven't you saved us?!

Kyle's about to come rescue you,

but you need
to find the teachers.

We'll only have
one sh*t to get all of you.

And I'm sorry
to tell you this, son,

but the whole school
could blow at any moment.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Don't tell
any of the other kids.

We wouldn't
want to cause a panic.

- [all gasp]
- BEEF: Oh, dear.

- Am I on speakerphone?
- No...?

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Judy.

All right.
John, you're sure

- the teachers are in the green room?
- Positive.

Gibbons mentioned
they were getting changed

for a skit, and I felt
an embarrassment for them

that I shall simply
never forget.

- I'll go get them.
- I'll come with you.

Oh, good. Yes.

And I know we're all
in incredible danger

and we do need to move quickly
and all that, but maybe

just let me talk to Kima
real quick over here. Kima?

As your best friend,

I feel like I need
to tell you that I'm...

Uh, crushing on
my prom date Eli?

Yes, but just say the word

and I'll never look at
that Adam's apple again.

Judy, I'm not mad.

The fact is I'm actually
crushing on Laird.

Oh, my God.

Are we having
the perfect prom after all?

Oh, definitely not,
we're all gonna die.

Right, right, okay, but
date-wise, a switcheroo it is.

Off I go.
[chuckles]

Judy, wait.
I know we're in

a lot of danger right now,
but I'm also

somehow having
tons of fun with you tonight.

Like, I feel like
I swallowed the moon

and it became my heart,
if that makes sense?

Oh, it makes all the sense
in the world, Eli.

I'm definitely feeling
moment four:

a first kiss near a windmill.

But let's just wait
until we're not also

- calf-deep in meat stink.
- Yep. Yep.

GOLOVKIN:
Hello? Who's there?

- Hello?
- Are you guys okay in there?


GIBBONS: Yes, Judy,
but the door is jammed.


- We keep pushing on it.
- Okay. Okay,

let me see if I can pry it open
from my si... Oh.

Wait, were you just trying
to push the door outwards

this entire time when all we
had to do was just pull it in?

Yes, but, uh...
[chuckles weakly]

d-didn't you all
enjoy my dancing?

That was an upside
of our time together.

I'd love to stay here and talk
about doors with my teachers,

but we have got to go
or we're all gonna die.

Don't look so worried, Beef.
Kyle will get the kids.

I know she will.
It's... I'm... [sighs]

I saw something
on the blueprints.

What was it?

It better not be
a fourth bunker.

No, no, it's not that.
It's just...

The blueprints listed the name

of the man who sold this land
to Meat Chute.

It was my great grandfather,
Rutger Tobin.

It was my family
that set this all in motion.

Now my kids might die,

and I feel like
it's all my fault.

Oh, Beef,
it's not all your fault.

This is a lot bigger than you.

And I'm sure at the time
the people who sold that land

didn't know the whole world
was gonna heat up.

Listen, I'm positive your great
grandpa sucked in his own way...

don't get me wrong...

but a lot of other people
all over the world

also had to suck real bad
to get us here.

And now Lone Moose is suffering,
just like everywhere else.

Yeah. You were trying
to say that earlier, huh?

And I ignored you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

My wife and daughter haven't
listened to me for years.

I'm only really allowed
to talk at dinner,

and even then,
there's a -minute limit.

[engine starts]
All right people, it's go time.

Those bears trucked
with the wrong gal.

[phone rings]
Go for President Tobin.

Copy that, Dad.

The adults
are coming to save us.

[whooping cheering]

Finally, a car my size.

[giggles]

Whoa, we doing a switcheroo?

Yeah, me and Judy are both
okay with it.

- Cool. Looks like we are, too.
- Oh, no!

Aah! The bears are
climbing onto the truck!

Guys, I don't think
I can get any closer.

I'd be delivering the bears
right to the kids.

- Why is she stopping?
- I guess 'cause

she doesn't want us
to get eaten by bears.

Oh, yeah.
Is exploding

a little bit better
than getting eaten?

Uh, maybe, a little.
It's quicker. Less chewing.

Anybody, uh,
want to hear a Mad Lib?

You know, it could cheer us up.

[clears throat]
It was summer vacation

and my horny family was
going on a nasty sandwich.

[chuckles weakly]
That's pretty funny, huh, guys?

Okay, so prom getting ruined

is the end of the world
after all.

Let me get a little hit of that

- Larry's Limeade, Bethany.
- Five bucks.

I can't believe this is how
my prom/life is ending.

Not only are we not getting
moment five from the song,

we're skipping right
to moment : our deaths.

Yup, where your children
gather around your deathbed

and say good night.

- Only we don't have children.
- We are children.

I mean, older children,
but still.

Sorry we invited you guys
here to die.

- Our bad.
- It's okay.

Feels like you can get k*lled by
a bunch of irresponsible adults

almost anywhere these days.

At least we're not dead yet.

Yeah. Yeah, we're not.

You know what,
screw whoever's fault this is,

we should just have
our prom anyway.

At least for a few minutes
until we die.

Hey, Gill,
you can climb that rope

while you're
carrying stuff, right?

Of course I can, I can even
climb it with just my feet.

Ew, gross.
I mean, good.

I'm glad you can do that.
Okay.

All right then, everyone.

Listen up!
Prom is back on.

- [all whooping]
- Gill, here's what we need from the gym.

We should really take away
those cocktails.

It's very dangerous
for teens to drink.

Yep. Drinking will, in fact,
k*ll them.

And this building blowing up
will also k*ll them.

A classic double whammy.

All right, everyone.

As chairs of the prom committee,

we welcome you
to the Lone Moose Prom,

part two, the
"We're all gonna die" edition.

Grab a drink,
confess that secret,

kiss that crush... consensually...

and enjoy your
last moments on Earth.

DJ Airhorn, take it away.

♪ ♪

There are moments

That define who you are

They're like a real memory

That's bright as a star

Sixteen special moments

You feel in your gut

The moments that fill you

From your head
to your butt...

All right, lovers,
this is the remix.

[distorted] DJ Airhorn.

[hip-hop air horn blares]
[roars]

Guys, guys! The bears.

That first air horn sound
sent two of them running.

We have to get very, very loud
to save ourselves.

DJ Airhorn,
do your air horn thing.

- Gladly.
- [hip-hop air horn blaring]

Make as much noise as possible.

We got to make them hear us.

Your life is a story

It has parts

Like when you leave
your psychiatry practice

For a new life in the arts

There are moments...

I don't know how,

but they're scaring
the bears away.

- Is that an air horn?
- Wait.

They got DJ Airhorn?
We tried to get him

for our wedding and he told us
he was booked through .

The bears are off the truck,
Kyle. Go, go!

All right, time to get
this student group

in my big old scoop.

How does she do it? I got to get her
to give me some cool line lessons.

And that's why Chris Pine
will never be my Captain Kirk.

Hmm, I'm so glad
I survived this disaster

so I could hear that very long
monologue about Star Trek.

You know, Ham,
we got into politics

for exactly the wrong reasons,

but you were
a pretty good president.

And we saved the school.

[all shouting]

[all exclaiming]

Okay, we might not
have saved the school.

LOUIE: Here, here, and there's
another one here.

But these meat bunkers
were buried much later,

so they should be good
for another few decades,

if we wanted to just
deal with it later.

Uh, no offense, but are you
freaking kidding me?

Look, I love Lone Moose

maybe more than
a man should love a town.

But we've got to deal with
all this rotten meat gunk

that's buried within it

or we'll be exploding
our children right and left.

Or, just an idea,
maybe we take this as a sign

that we don't need a school

and we all just move on
with our lives.

Moon, we will begin rebuilding
the school immediately.

Mayor Peppers,
I hope you realize that

you will be losing my vote.

Welcome, everyone,
to the "Much later

school is already
out for the year" makeup prom.

Let's see that lipstick.

You know it's called
"makeup prom"

because it makes up
for the one that was ruined,

- not because of makeup, right?
- Yes. Of course I do.

Thanks for flying down again.

And for texting me
that tuba ballad about me.

I love that it's called
"Judy Tub-in."

Of course.
Thank you for mailing me

those handmade tuba charms.

I finally figured out

how to stop accidentally
swallowing them when I play.

[imitating hip-hop air horn]

DJ Airhorn! [imitates air horn]
[hip-hop air horn blares]

Oh, he's playing our song.

Yeah, I can't wait
until we walk down the aisle

to that air horn sound.

[gasps]
Moment .

And also, okay,
slow down, bud.

Sixteen moments

That you never forget.

Where he at, where he at,
hey, where the yeti at?

Where he at, where he at, yo,
where the yeti at?

Where he at, where he at,
oh, where the yeti at?

Where he at, where he at, oh,
where the yeti at?

Oh, yeti, where are you?

I'm gonna find you

Though you are hiding

He's big and

He's frightening

Where's he hiding?

I'm gonna find you

Where he at, where he at,
oh, where the yeti at?

Where he at, where he at, oh,
where the yeti at?

Where he at, where he at,
oh, where the yeti at?
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