02x26 - Charmed Lives

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Who's the Boss?". Aired: September 20, 1984 – April 25, 1992.*
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Series follows Tony Micelli, a former Major League Baseball athlete who strives to raise his daughter, Samantha outside of the hectic nature of New York City and relocates her to Connecticut, where he works as a live-in housekeeper for a beautiful single advertising executive named Angela Bower.
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02x26 - Charmed Lives

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ There is more to life than what you're living

♪ So take a chance and face the wind

♪ An open road and a road that's hidden

♪ Brand new life around the bend

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you my friend

♪ Nights are long but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life




♪ Brand new life around the bend ♪

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Okay, okay! Keep your shirt on.

She'll be right out.

Come on, Angela. Taxi's here.

It's not gonna wait all day.

Ah, they'll wait, Mona. You got the money, they got the time.

Tony, did you pack me a warm sweater?

It gets nippy in San Francisco this time of year.

I packed you a warm sweater.

-Pack me a nightgown? -Your flannel PJs.

The snuggly ones with the feet.

That isn't very business-trippy.

You're right, Angela. Don't wear 'em to meetings.




Ugh, I'm off.

Goodbye, Mother.

-Bye. -Goodbye, Tony.

Angela.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Goodbye, Tony.

No, Angela. Not "Goodbye, Tony."

-This. -Oh, that.

Who is that enormous woman?

That's Celeste Louise, my cousin.

Oh, well. You know what they say.

The camera always adds 30 pounds.

Come on now. Look at that face!

Look at those cheeks!

They're not that big when she's not eating.

Angela, she'd be the perfect model for that Italian foods account.

I've already got the model, thank you.

That's what this meeting in San Francisco is all about.

Angela, I'm telling you now. Celeste Louise, she'd be perfect.

Hey, she loves Italian food!

Yeah. And she doesn't look like a picky eater.

Huh?

It's not the image we want to project.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Angela, are you... Are you... Are you kidding me, Angela?

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, you don't like this cousin,

I got another cousin.

She's half as heavy.

'Course, she's a little shorter, too.

-Are you sure? -(LAUGHING) Am I sure?

Mr. Vionelli, I've been in the PR business for...

Well, long enough to rent some pretty nice furniture.

Angela here has done a real swell job with the ad campaign.

But now we're into Mickey Day territory.

Public relations.

I am gonna peel your Princess Vionelli

off your label, and stuff her

right into the hearts of pasta lovers everywhere.

I'm paying you, right?

Not enough!

Because I found the perfect princess.

And her name is... Are you ready for this?

I'm gonna count to three.

Joyce Columbus.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Ye-llo.

Angela's here.

-You can go in. -Thank you.

-Thank you. -You, sit.

But I've been waiting all morning to see Mr. Day.

Mickey stepped out. I'm very sorry.

Angie! Damn glad to see you.

Hello, Mickey.

I'm insincere.

I'm Angela Bower.

Ah, Miss Bower. A pleasure to finally meet you.

I love your campaign, those billboards.

"Who is Princess Vionelli?"

-Genius. -Thank you.

Mickey was telling me how he found this Joyce person.

Oh, he found her?

It was, er, one of those freak things.

I looked everywhere and finally I turned around and there she was.

Sitting in my office.

Talk about luck!

But I made an appointment.

See. Nine o'clock.

-Does it say "AM"? -Yes.

Now it doesn't.

Sit.

I'm Joyce Columbus.

Who?

I'm Princess Vionelli.

I'm here for the final interview.

It's just a formality.

Who's she?

Take a seat.

I'm here for a very big interview.

Me, too.

Really? Great. Great.

Nice outfit.

-Size six, right? -Right.

Me, too. Isn't it a pain?

You have to starve, work out,

starve some more.

Well, I really don't believe in dieting.

Ah... You don't have a lot of friends, do you?

Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, these interviews.

I'm great with pressure. The best.

'Course, I sweat a lot.

Thank God for aerosols, huh?

-I don't... -I don't wanna hear it, okay?

I'm a little nervous, too.

This is my first time out as a photographer.

Photographer? Great career choice!

-What's your name? -Lauren.

Joyce. Nice to know you.

Come here.

Listen. When I become Princess Vionelli,

I'll put in a good word for ya.

Well, shouldn't you see my work first?

Oh, no. I'm sure it's lovely.

It's disgusting.

-Thank you. -Thank you?

A photograph should create an emotional reaction.

With this one I wanted to create disgust.

What can I say? You're a master.

Now, this is my favorite.

'Kay.

They're all dead.

They were moving the cemetery.

Lucky for you.

Tell me. Is there a lot of call for this sort of thing?

Not really. That's why I'm trying to go commercial.

I really need the money.

I've been trying to see this guy for the past three weeks.

You've been waiting three weeks?

You can't put up with that anymore.

You gotta march yourself into that office and say,

"I'm the best photographer you'll ever see.

"Only I'm not going to be treated this way."

Then walk out. If you do it right,

he'll follow you down the block.

I'd be too nervous. I'd forget what I was doing.

You'll take notes! Bluff your way through it.

Works for me.

I'm going to be Princess Vionelli.

I'm not even Italian.

Oh, Mr. V.! Of course she's Italian.

We, er, even did tests. Didn't we?

Tests?

How do you test to see if someone's Italian?

Oh, you know, the regular sort of tests.

Actually, Angela was pretty much in charge of that.

No, I think you had the test kit that day.

So?

Oh, you know. We brought her in,

showed her different shaped noodles...

And, er...

Ring, ring. Hello?

Again?

Okay, I'll be right out.

It never ends.

The truth? My name isn't even Columbus.

-Your name isn't Columbus? -Huh?

Oh, that's great.

Next thing you're gonna tell me is you're not even Italian.

Well, you caught me!

You're honest, you're straightforward. I like that.

Babs, call security and have her dragged out of the building.

Oh, wait! Wait! My mother dated an Italian once.

Well... Okay, good enough.

Yo! Focus everybody!

Ah, Joyce, you know Angela.

Of course. It's nice to see you again.

Mr. Vionelli, this is Joyce Columbus.

Well, how do you do?

Oh, I'd shake your hand, but I've got all this mozzarella on me.

So, Joyce, where are you from?

Uh... Little Italy.

In New York? I know everybody there!

Not that one.

Another one. The smallest one.

The smallest one?

Tiny, actually. Tiny Italy.

Yeah, there'd be no one there that you knew.

Just mostly me and the rest of the Columbus family.

Nina, Pinta...

Joyce, are you feeling all right?

I like this girl!

She has a fine sense of humor.

I think she'd make a very good...

All right! I've been waiting all morning,

I've been waiting three weeks and I'm not going to wait any longer.

Five minutes. Wait five minutes.

Now, I've got something to say and you're going to listen.

Now, I've got something to say and you're...

Wait a minute, I just did that part.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the best photographer you'll ever meet,

and I won't be treated like this.

I'm going to walk out this door and you'll never see me again.

So goodbye.

And if you think I'll come back, you can...

You were saying, sir?

That's the girl!

That's Princess Vionelli.

No! This is the girl!

This is Princess Vionelli!

Mr. Vionelli, that girl is blonde, Nordic, very '80s.

Everything you didn't want.

I know. Go figure!

Mr. Vionelli, I think it's really...

Well, I guess I can tell you now.

I, uh, set it all up.

Yeah, I figured you'd like the blonde better,

but I wanted to show you the bimbo first,

just so you could compare.

Bimbo?

I'll go get her.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, here she is.

What's your name again?

Lauren Sullivan.

Well, Miss Sullivan. You've got the job.

I do? That's great!

Thanks! It worked!

You're the new Princess Vionelli!

But she's supposed to be the Princess.

I know. Isn't life a kick?

Mr. Vionelli, I'm a photographer.

I don't want to be a model.

Right. It's sexist, demeaning...

People only want you for your body.

Luckily, that appeals to me.

I'm sorry.

I mean, all my life I've gotten by on my looks.

But I'm not going to do that anymore.

The job does pay 30,000.

That much?

Plus a car, an apartment. A clothing allowance.

I'm sorry.

And this... This is all yours.

It's very nice.

This is your refuge, your hideaway from the world.

And occasionally, we'd like to capture that on film.

Like tomorrow, we're sh**ting the Princess Vionelli photo layout.

Listen, I'm going to let you

get settled in here.

Remember, it's your place, so, ah...

Make it your own.

'Course, we had to nail a few things down.

It's an insurance thing, you understand.

Cute.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

Joyce, it's you.

Were you expecting someone else you stole a job from today?

Listen, I didn't plan to take your job.

I just needed the money.

I hope you understand that.

I understand.

I had a lot of time to think about it

after you left this morning.

I looked at your side, and I looked at my side.

And I realized...

I don't care about your side.

That's it?

You came all the way up here to say that and leave?

Not exactly.

I want you to see what you've reduced me to.

I'm a shopping cart person.

This is my home now.

I keep my clothes up here and I sleep under there.

You know, you can get in trouble if you don't take that back.

Let's talk about emotional trauma.

Becoming Princess Vionelli was my big sh*t.

Don't you see, I started out a chubby kid with braces.

I had to go on a diet.

I took ballet classes, speech lessons.

I didn't always talk like this, you know.

And I didn't even want to be a model.

I mean, I was driving by the Miss Charlottesville beauty contest

and they pulled me out of my car

and they gave me the title.

Things just happen to me.

It's like I don't even have a say in the matter.

Well, then. This won't come as any big surprise to you.

Get out.

This is a big step for me.

You see, not too long ago, I had it pretty bad.

I had a perfect husband, a gorgeous home, a Corvette.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

My life was empty. And then it got worse.

What? You found the Hope Diamond?

No!

My husband left me for another woman.

What did she look like?

You don't understand!

You see, I came here to start over.

At least this is something that I can call my own.

I mean, this is my apartment. My sofa, my chair, my vase.

And no one can take it away from me.

Do you use mousse in your hair?

You never listen to me!

No one ever listens to me!

Well, I'm not gonna take it anymore!

(CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

(CLATTERING STOPS)

I'm listening.

(CLATTERING)

If you'd like to spend the night...

Forget it. I'm safer on the streets.

Are you sure you'll be all right?

I'll be fine. I can take care of myself.

You had to live on a hill, didn't ya?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXHALES)

You won't believe what I just saw.

I forgot to bring you your house-warming present.

Enjoy.

(SIGHS)

Okay, hold the noodles up.

That's it! You love those noodles.

You are mad about those noodles.

You have noodle fantasies.

Take the noodles out and rub them

-all over your... -No!

Okay, well, just smile at them.

You smile at them.

Lauren!

Everybody, take five.

How much is this costing me?

Take two.

Angela, Lauren's having a problem,

and I think it's one of those women's things.

Talk to her.

-Yes, Mickey, I will talk to her. -Thank you.

What's up?

This isn't right.

Somewhere, there's a girl out there chasing a shopping basket.

And she's the one who deserves this job.

I just wish I knew where to find her.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

I'm gonna take a sh*t in the dark.

I'm giving you one last chance.

Thanks.

Okay, let's sh**t noodles!

-Joyce, where have you been? -Later.

Mr. Vionelli, I want you to reconsider me for the Princess.

-That won't be necessary. -Now, Miss Columbus,

I'm very sorry.

If I hire you, I have to fire Miss Sullivan.

And at Vionelli Foods, we're a family.

You don't fire family.

I understand.

I've called Melvin Belli.

I'm going to sue you for $32 million

for breach of implied contract.

-Dump the blonde. -You got it.

You got a knapsack?

I would've given you your job back.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, but didn't.

What do you think I was trying to do?

I was trying to tell you.

But you... And then...

Oh, to heck with you all!

Excuse me.

Did she say, "Heck"?

I'm afraid she did.

What are you doing?

Making a sandwich.

Really? Are you insured for that?

I'm upset. When I'm upset, I eat.

Me, too. Of course, by the time I feel good again

I no longer look human.

Well, you're lucky. I can't even gain weight.

I forgot. You're cursed.

Oh, that's your secret.

Never eat the crusts.

May I?

Go ahead, Your Highness.

You take anything you want anyway.

Oh, no, the peasants are revolting.

What makes you think that you can push people around

and then treat them like they don't even count?

Seems to work.

Besides, it's better than running away

from everything every time it doesn't work out.

You're right. And I'm not running anymore.

From now on, I'm gonna stand up to you!

All right, you're standing. Now what?

Give me a break.

I'm new at this.

Let me help you out.

Here. Why don't you say I'm too pushy?

That's part of your charm.

So...

I need the job, and you need the job.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Are you gonna eat that?

Here. We'll split it.

Ladies,

we have to make a decision.

What are they doing in there?

I want my Princess!

I knew we shouldn't have hired a woman for the job.

Listen. I'm losing my light,

I'm losing my patience, and I'm losing my peasants.

Now, I want one of you out there with a crown on in ten seconds

or you can both pack your bags!

I'll handle this.

Mickey.

Ooh! You've been working out, haven't you?

Yeah...

Listen. We need a few more minutes.

I'd really appreciate it.

Please?

What's the rush? Rome wasn't built in a day.

You're good.

Um... Excuse me. Mr. Vionelli,

I have an approach that I think...

Well, I think we can only call it different.

I want you to open your mind to a new concept in packaging.

Please sit down.

Picture this as a photo layout.

Lauren, Joyce.

The Vionelli Twins.

Twins?

Frankly, sir, I...

I think your food is too good for just one princess.

And with two princesses,

everyone will assume that your food is

twice as good as anybody else's!

It would be like having two princess sisters.

Only not be related.

I'm sorry, but princess sisters?

Two princesses? It's stupid.

I like it.

Stupid in a good way.

Not the sisters part. That's stupid.

But two princess models,

one for canned food, one for frozen foods.

I always felt each had their own personality.

And you're not alone there, sir.

Now I'm getting two for the price of one!

Just remember, you're gonna have to share everything.

The apartment and the job and all the fringe benefits.

Deal?

Deal.

Gonna have to rethink the entire campaign and, uh...

We're gonna have to get rid of the peasants.

Ah, it's always the peasants.

-I've got this great idea! -No!

-Is it cheap? -We get this

giant bathtub, we fill it with spumoni.

We lower the two of them right into it. They are so...

-'Kay, now we need to come up with a schedule. -Schedule?

-Two girls, one bathroom. -Right.

How long does it take you to put your makeup on?

I really don't believe in makeup.

You know, if you keep this up,

I'm gonna be your only friend.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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