03x12 - So Long, Farewell

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ted Lasso". Aired: August 14, 2020 to present.*
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Small town American football coach Ted hired to manage a British soccer team—despite having no experience.
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03x12 - So Long, Farewell

Post by bunniefuu »

[GARY] It's a rare treat
when the Premier League title

comes down to the last
match of the season.


And, Thierry, if the
Greyhounds win on Sunday,

and Manchester City loses or draws, AFC

Richmond will actually win the league.

Incredible. And you
picked them to finish last.

Hey, so did you.

Sorry, Gary. I only
remember my victories.

I have no room in my
brain for anything else.


[GARY] Hmm. Well, it
should be a great match.

The last time Richmond played
West Ham though, things got ugly.


That wasn't football.
It was a crime scene.


Speaking of which,

Rupert Mannion has been accused
of an inappropriate relationship


by a former assistant,

- putting the team owner in hot water.
- [THIERRY HENRY] Hot water?

That man is boiling.

If he had noodles in his
pockets, he could make a soup.


My nan made a delicious pocket
soup. Bit like a minestrone.


[THIERRY HENRY] Personally, I thought he

should have stayed with Rebecca Welton.

Now, they were a power couple.

Oh, shut up, Thierry Henry.

Morning, Rebecca.

- Morning, Ted.
- Hi.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHING] Yeah. Um...

Um...

So, do you, um...

You know, do you want to talk about it?

Mmm.

I'm not really ready
to talk about it yet.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Good morning!

[CHEERS]

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, what

a night, what a night, what a night.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoo!

Sorry for all the noise.

[SIGHS] Morning, nerds. You're
welcome for all the noise.

- [COACH BEARD] Milady.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind.

I went through your wardrobe
and borrowed this dress.

Oh, it's a blazer. But,
yes, yes. Help yourself.

Hey, thanks again for letting
us all crash here last night.

You know... When I
got Beard's text saying

that there was a deadly gas
leak in the neighborhood,

I just assumed he was bragging about
one of his epic toots. [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS]

Isn't that crazy that this is gonna be

the last time we wake up like this?

Hmm.

I mean, the last and first
time. But, still, you know.

[GROANS] No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. Boss don't want
to talk about it yet.

[HUMS] It's not that I refuse to
talk about you going home, Ted.

It's that I refuse to accept
that you are not coming back.

[SIGHS] God.

Boss.

I'm right there with you.

[HOUSEKEEPER GASPS]

I'll start in the guest rooms.

- No! No, no, no! No.
- Uh, no. No, no, no, no. Please. Please...

Those ropes are not garbage.

Some of it's dirty on purpose.

[LAUGHS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Hear ye, hear ye, this
locker room is now in session.

All rise for the Honorable Judge McAdoo.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING, CHEERING]

Silence!

Be seated.

Court Treasurer.

Are there any unresolved
fines from this season?

There are, Your Honor.

And please remember that all fines

will go towards funding
our end-of-season

party this Sunday
night at the restaurant.

[PLAYERS CHEERING]

- Very well. Bailiff.
- Hmm?

Please bring forth the receptacle.

Uh, the assistant kitman has it.

- [SIGHS] Assistant to the kitman.
- Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Court Treasurer. Release the fines.

- [CLEARS THROAT] "Jan Maas."
- [PLAYERS WINCE]

- "Late for training. £ ."
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]

- [JAN] That's fair.
- Naughty boy.

- "Dani Rojas."
- Huh?

"Not texting 'happy birthday'
on a teammate's birthday. £ ."

- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- Objection, Your Honor.

I did put a tiny, little heart on
someone else's "happy birthday."

- Overruled!
- [SCOFFS]

"Jamie Tartt."

[PLAYERS] Ooh.

"Falling asleep during
team meditation training.

- £ ."
- Huh?

[COCKBURN] Wow. You fell asleep?

- Bro, everyone was sleeping, man.
- Nah, not me.

- I was just the only one who was snoring.
- [CHUCKLING]

Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

- Is there anything else?
- That is all I have, Your Honor.

Very well. And finally, Nathan Shelley.

For missing every training session,

every match and every
team dinner this season,

I hereby fine you £ , !

- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- Yeah, that's fair. I mean, I deserve it.

The party will now have an
open bar and live band karaoke!

[CHEERING]

Oh.

[HUMS]

- Hey.
- [SCREAMS]

- [GROANS, SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.

One of these days, I'm gonna scare you.

Well, that's easy. Just ask
me what I'm thinking about.

What are you thinking about?

Stuff.

Terrifying.

Hmm.

Good to see you, Roy.

- Morning, Keeley.
- Morning.

- Morning, Keeley.
- Morning.

- Yo.
- Hey.

What happened to you? I thought
you were right behind me.

Jane had a surprise for me.

Oh, that's nice.

My passport.

Which she shredded so that I
wouldn't be able to leave the country.

- Good thing you got dual citizenship, huh?
- Triple.

- Vatican City is a country, baby.
- Right.

- [CLICKING TONGUE]
- Mm-hmm.

- Gentlemen.
- Hmm?

I can't finish the book until
the season ends, obviously.

But before you leave, I'd
love to get your thoughts.

Let me know if there's
anything you disagree with.

I won't take it out, but I'm happy
to tell you where you're wrong.

Hmm.

- [LOUD BANG]
- [ROY] f*ck!

Oh. Everything okay, Roy?

How do you know if a
girl likes you or not?

Well, um... [SMACKS
LIPS, CLICKING TONGUE]

... you know, that might be a tasty,
little treat for the Diamond Dogs.

[TED, TRENT, COACH BEARD WHIMPERING]

No.

No! No! No! No!

[FADING] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

[MOUTHING WORDS] So close.

[TED] Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Can't wait to dive into this, Trent.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Nope.

Derivative.

Okay.

[COACH BEARD] Overly prosaic.

[TRENT] Actually, I'm gonna just
pop out for a second. [CLEARS THROAT]

The press are asking if you have
any comments about Rupert's divorce.

Hmm. Yes, of course.
Uh, but no, no comment.

- Smart.
- Classy.

Moving on, Leslie and I are asking

if you have any comments
on Rupert's divorce.

Juicier, the better. Safe space.

[SIGHS] Also no comment.

- Ah! Boo!
- Oh... [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh... Look, I'm sorry. I just
genuinely don't care anymore.

- [HIGGINS] Hmm.
- What's next?

[SIGHS] We need to talk about
who we're hiring to replace Ted.

I've made a list of the usual suspects,

and I threw in a basketball coach from

New Zealand just to spice it up a bit.

Right. I can't think about that yet.

Okay. After the season then.

Oh, last thing from
me. On a happier note,

now that we have a guaranteed spot

- in the Champions League next season...
- [ALL SHRIEK]

... we have had many requests
to buy a piece of the club.

Our value is at an all-time
high, so it's worth considering.

You give up %, retain full
control and make a huge pile of cash.

We can buy more players,
renovate the stadium.

[GASPS] Ooh, maybe we can
get some of those fancy seats.

The ones with the heaters
like they have at Tottenham.

Ooh, they're amazing... in February.

You see, I accidentally
turned mine on last summer

and nearly melted my
bottom cr*ck together.

[STAMMERS] Think about it
anyway. It's, uh... It's only %.

- Leslie?
- Hmm?

How much would I get if
I sold the entire club?

Rebecca.

You can't sell the club.

Why not?

I mean, I only got into
this to ruin Rupert's life.

And he seems to be doing a
pretty good job of that himself.

So come on, Leslie. How much?

I don't know.

Uh, off the top of my
head, I'd say two billion.

- [SPITS]
- Oh.

Oh, f*ck me.

f*ck me.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

All right, Roy.

I think that's enough for today.
You can go ahead and call it.

Roy, please.

Whistle! Whistle!

Go on, bring it in.

Thank you, Roy.

Coach and I didn't wanna make a big deal

about it being our last practice.

- Just a regular day.
- Yeah. Nothing special. Right?

Yeah. Sure.

Whatever you guys want.

- That was ominous.
- What the f*ck was that?

[BELL TOLLS]

What the f*ck is that?

What the f*ck is this?

["SO LONG, FAREWELL" PLAYING]

♪ There's a sad sort of clanging
from the clock in the hall ♪

♪ And the bells in the steeple too ♪

♪ And up in the nursery
an absurd little bird ♪

♪ Is popping out to say "cuckoo" ♪

[PLAYERS] ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ Regretfully they tell us
but firmly they compel us ♪

♪ To say goodbye ♪

[ALL] ♪ To you ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen, good night ♪

♪ We hate to go and
miss this pretty sight ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen, adieu ♪

♪ Adieu, adieu ♪
♪ To yieu and yieu and yieu ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ We flit, we float ♪
♪ We fleetly flee, we fly ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ The sun has gone
to bed and so must I ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

[ALL] ♪ Goodbye ♪

Thank you, fellas. That was perfect.

[PLAYERS, FANS CHEERING]

[SCATS] Hey, Keeley. Love those boots.

Thanks. [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Nate.
- Hey, Keeley. You all right?

Yeah. Oh, it's so good to have you back.

- Thank you. It's really good to be back.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Ninety-one.
- [TED] Ninety-two.

Hello, boys.

- Hello, Keeley.
- Hey, Keeley. Uh-oh.

- What do we got here?
- A little last-day present. One for you.

- Aw.
- And one for you.

- All right.
- Don't open that before you get on the plane!

Or better yet, just
don't get on the plane.

- Thanks, Keeley.
- [COACH BEARD] Thanks, Keeley.

[CHUCKLES]

Is everybody decent?

Aw, one of these days, right?

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Okay, remember you've got your
extra press session tomorrow at noon.

And you're confident, generous,
excited. You're f*cking legends!

- [PLAYERS] Thanks, Keeley!
- [KEELEY] Whoo!

Mmm.

- Keeley.
- Hi, Jamie.

- Hey, you good?
- Yeah, you?

Yeah, good, good, yeah. Uh, mad one.

Uh, Nike want to fly me to Brazil
to sh**t this commercial thing.

But I said to them that I wouldn't do it

unless I could have
my publicist with me.

Make sure I don't f*ck it
up. So, uh, what do you think?

- It's not for me.
- Yeah. [STAMMERS]

- I'm f*cking with you.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. [GASPS]
- Yeah?

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Congrats.

Um, yeah, cool. Uh, so, someone
from Nike is gonna call you.

Uh, name starts with W.
Ends with W. I don't...

- I'll handle it.
- Okay.

- Thank you, Jamie.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, Jamie.

Yeah?

Wanna grab a beer later?

I thought you said I
couldn't have beer anymore.

Well, you're with me, so you get a pass.

Yeah, decent. I'm in, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- Sweet.
- Sweet.

So are you two friends now?

- Uh, yeah. Guess so.
- That's wonderful.

Yeah.

f*cking mint, yeah.

[BELL ON DOOR JINGLES]

- Should I use that pose or that pose?
- Lads. Ah, thank the Lord.

- None of 'em.
- I just signed up for that Bantr.

- Ah.
- Should I...

I mean, when your father d*ed,
I was terrified of being alone.

But now I've learned so much
about myself in this last year,

and I've been right all along, you know.

I really am exceptional.

Right. [STAMMERS] Mother,
you know that Ted isn't dying.

He's just moving back to America.

Oh. You say potato, you say potato.

I've been thinking
about selling the club.

- I know. Is that crazy?
- No! No, I love it.

- Oh.
- Go for it. Take the money and run.

- Explore the world.
- Hmm.

- Uh, more importantly, explore yourself.
- Hmm.

You know, I had a dream last night

that I was a cabaret singer in Japan.

Shut up. [GRUNTS]

No, you've given me chills.

- I had exactly the same dream.
- Hmm?

Oh, you were a dentist in Taiwan,

- but...
- Oh, Mother.

- Oh, well, potato, potato. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

You going to the match on Sunday?

[SUCKS TEETH] Oh, sausage,
I can't. I'm sorry.

I've been wanting to get a tattoo,

so I'm meeting with a specialist
who can remove it if I hate it.

- But I did see Tish the other day.
- [SIGHS]

She told me who's gonna win
the game. Do you wanna know?

Oh, I have had more than enough
of Tish's bloody predictions

to last me a lifetime,
thank you very much.

But please do tell her that she's a

fraud that preys on people's weaknesses.

That's exactly what she said you'd say.

Anything else, ladies?

I'd just like some peace
of mind for my daughter.

And all of her generation.

Oh, must be awful for 'em,
lying awake at night haunted

by how f*cking easy they've had it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

f*cking hell.

We'll just have the
bill. Thank you, Mae.

It's been taken care
of by these gentlemen.

We just, uh, wanted to thank you

for everything you've done for the club.

Yeah. The love and care you
have for the team is inspiring.

Kind of like the mother we never had.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, that's weird.

'Cause I'm like the
mother she's never had.

I guess that makes you like
the grandmother we never had.

No, it doesn't.

Hmm.

Why would you say that?

- [JEREMY] I was trying to be nice.
- Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Did I tell you?

I'm learning to... Oh.

What's it called? Skateboard. [CHUCKLES]

Do you mean skateboard?

- Yeah, yeah. Skateboard. Really.
- You any good?

Will be.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

So you do laugh.

But you don't do it until page ?

And it wasn't even a big laugh.

That was more of a loud
nose breath. An exhale.

Hey, Trent.

Look, I know folks are divided
on the actual police these days,

but all human beings are
opposed to the laugh police.

Yeah. Mmm, yeah. Yes, sorry, sorry.

Um, yeah.

I just want you to like it.

I'll leave you be.

- Good night, Trent.
- Good night.

_

[SLURPING, GULPING]

[SWALLOWS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Worth the wait. [SIGHS]

Whatever happens on Sunday, I
want you to know I'm proud of you.

All the work you've put in this year.

Yeah, uh... Yeah, thanks.

And, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you for your help too, you know.

For... For motivating
me, encouraging me.

I haven't really had that
from the older men in me life.

[CHUCKLES] Real talk, man. Thank you.

And look, I know you've got
a lot of feelings for Keeley.

I just hope none of that sh*t ever
gets in the way of our friendship.

Yeah. No, yeah, me too, yeah.

Good.

That's good.

'Cause me and Keeley
started talking again.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Just easing into it.

But she is a woman, so
you never know, right?

Hmm.

It's nothing official
between the two of you?

Well...

No, but it's happening.

I wanted you to know 'cause I
don't want you to get hurt, so...

I think it's best if
you just step aside.

[SUCKS TEETH, SMACKS LIPS]

No.

What the f*ck do you mean, "no"?

I mean, if the two of you ain't
official, then I ain't steppin' aside.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I know

in my heart that me and Keeley
are meant to be together.

f*ck off. You're a child.

You f*ck off. You're a hairy old prune.

Don't forget, I was with her first.

Yeah, well, I was with her last.

[SCOFFS] It's been a year, mate.

[IMITATES BUZZER] It's
been a month, mate.

That video of her that got
leaked, she made that for me.

[REBECCA] I'm ready
to talk about it now.

[SIGHS]

I've decided to sell the club.

If you go, I go.

Hmm.

There is another option.

We both stay.

I respect that you need to
go home to your son, Ted.

But I just want you to consider the
possibility that this is your home.

Henry can...

come and live here and go to one
of the best schools in the world

and enjoy the life-changing
experience of being in another country.

Michelle can come here and teach,

get fully qualified and go
home as a department head.

Higgins has said, if
I sell % of the team,

I can afford to make you one of the
highest-paid coaches in the league.

[SCOFFS, SIGHS]

I know people will say I'm crazy, but...

I still think I'd be underpaying
you for what you mean to this club.

[CHUCKLES]

Would you please stay?

This is the part when you say
you need to sleep on it and I say,

"Oh, yes, of course."

And then we do exactly
the same thing tomorrow.

[CHUCKLES]

You already know your answer, don't you?

- I do, yeah.
- I know.

I just had to try.

Right. [SNIFFLES, INHALES SHARPLY]

Well, that's settled then. [SIGHS]

Both go.

You know, I was thinking
I should travel abroad.

Mmm.

Eat, Pray, Love style, right?

Well, more like Drink, Sleep, f*ck.

[TED] Mm-hmm.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS] Oh. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ROY GRUNTS]

f*cking hell.

He's fine.

[GROANS]

All right. You gonna
tell me what happened?

Did you stop a mugging?

Rescue some puppies
from a burning building?

Do you wanna?

- After you.
- [SIGHS]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

- We got in a fight about you.
- You what?

- We got in a fistfight...
- [SIGHS]

... over who gets to be with you.

We just thought, "What
are we, Neanderthals?"

- Yeah, and we're not.
- [SCOFFS]

So we came up with a better idea.

Please don't say it.

You should just pick.

You pick which one of us
you want to end up with.

And then, that's that.

- Bish-bash-bosh.
- Bob's your uncle.

So, I get to choose?

- Yeah.
- Pretty much.

- We're f*cking idiots.
- [SIGHING] Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[BOTH SIGH]

Are you hungry?

Well, you're still in training,

but you can watch me eat a kebab.

I'm having chicken.

- Hey.
- Oh, my f*cking God!

Whoa. [STAMMERS] I'm sorry about that.

I... I was trying to come in
soft like a human cotton ball.

No. God, no, I'm sorry.
I'm here late. [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, it's all right. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Listen, Ted...

I know. It's okay.

No, please, please. Can
you just let me say it?

I'm sorry. [SOBS]

[SOBBING] I'm so sorry.

Oh, buddy.

[NATHAN BREATHES SHAKILY]

[SNIFFLES] Oh, I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFLING, CHUCKLING]

- [CHUCKLES]
- You know what's funny?

You only ripped it up once.

I tore that sucker down
and ripped it up two times.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Did you really?

- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

So you were already
in the clear, you know?

- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

Okay. [INHALES SHARPLY]

But I'll tell ya,

when I look up there...

I still see it.

- Is that weird?
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

No, no, no, that's... that's lovely.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[SNIFFLES]

Good night, Nate.

Good night, Ted.

["IN BETWEEN DAYS" PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ARLO] AFC Richmond was founded in ,

and since then, the team have
been a picture of mediocrity.


They've been up. They've
been down. Mostly down.


And in the club's history,

they've never come close to
what they could achieve today:


a Premier League title.

Fate is not entirely in their hands.

Their adversaries in
Manchester have the final say.


But the Richmond faithful are here

to applaud their team for what
they've already accomplished


and see if the miraculous season...

- [CHANTING] AFC Richmond.
- ... can become transcendent.

Hello. There should be a ticket
waiting for me under the name...

"Wynonna Judd."

Thanks.

Thank you.

- You see the way that guy stared at me?
- Absolute psychopath.

We feeling good, lads? Feeling good?

- I think we're gonna win it.
- Me too.

Then what?

Richmond win the League, what
do we have left to strive for?

To dream for?

Making a real connection with
someone and starting a family?

Mmm. [MOUTHING] Yeah.

- Boring.
- [JEREMY] Yeah.

[ARLO] ... a humiliating relegation.

[CHRIS] It has really
been a mad season, Arlo.

[SIGHS] I'm actually
nervous. Are you nervous?

Nah, Dad's got this.

[JACOB] All right, all right.

Who's ready to spend the next two hours

of their lives watching this game

until it eventually ends
up in an exciting - tie?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [JACOB CHUCKLING]

[ARLO] Not long ago,
Lasso was looking up

from the doghouse of the Dogtrack.

Now he's looking down from the
highest heights of English football.


It don't make sense!

Two years ago, we played so bad,

we had to drop down
from the Premier League

to a lower league that was called...

The Championship.

See, that don't make sense.

Now, this year we played so well,

we qualified to get into another league

- and that one's called...
- The Champions League.

Entirely different league,
pretty much the same name though.

That don't make sense.

And now y'all are tellin' me that
to get into the "Champions League,"

you can finish as low as...

Fourth place.

That don't make no sense. Why?

[PLAYERS LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

Money.

Okay, see, now that makes sense.

- Okay. That's it.
- Thank you.

- [KNOCKING]
- [NATHAN] Hey.

- [TED] Hey, what's up, Nate?
- Hi. Yeah, sorry.

I'm sorry to interrupt and all that.

I just wanted to, uh... to
wish you all, uh, good luck.

To wish you two good luck,
uh, for the last time.

Last time this season. It's not the
last time you ever have good luck.

[CHUCKLES] No need for it
to become a cautionary tale.

I'm not trying to cast
a spell or anything.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, no. I... I get it, Nate. Thank you.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. Well...

Well, this feels familiar.

Oh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
- [COACH BEARD CHUCKLES]

Oh, why don't I, um, step out and
let you guys have a proper reunion?

Ah, da-da-da-da. You stay
put, Trenthouse Magazine.

You're part of the squad now.

- Oh.
- [CLICKING TONGUE]

- Yep. You're stuck with us, buddy.
- Thank you.

[TED CHUCKLES]

Can I be a Diamond Dog?

[TED] Okay, hold on one second
here. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Hmm.
- What the f*ck are you doing?

Uh, I assume we're
all looking for cameras

'cause we think we're on a prank show.

- Yeah, that's where I'm at.
- [TRENT, NATHAN] Yeah.

I'm not f*cking around here.

[STAMMERS] Okay. Diamond
Dogs, mount up. Let's go.

[BARKING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, okay. Mr. Roy Kent.

Uh, you know, um, bark away. Please.

For the past year,

I've busted my f*cking
ass trying to change.

But apparently, I haven't
done f*cking sh*t 'cause...

I'm still me.

[STAMMERS] Uh, wait. Did...
Did you wanna be someone else?

Yeah.

Someone better.

Can people change?

[SIGHS]

- Uh...
- [BARKS]

[STAMMERS] I don't
think we change per se,

as much as we just... [INHALES SHARPLY]

... learn to accept who
we've always been, you know?

[ROY] Hmm.

Oh, no. I... I think people can change.

They can.

You know, sometimes for the worse
and sometimes for the better.

[GROANS] Not me.

I'm still the same f*cking
idiot I've always been.

Mmm. Agree to disagree, big guy.

I mean, come on, man.

You just piped up out of nowhere and

finally asked to become a Diamond Dog.

Pretty big change, if
you ask me. Right, fellas?

- [HIGGINS, COACH BEARD] Yep.
- [NATHAN, TRENT] Mm-hmm.

Change isn't about trying to be perfect.

Perfection sucks. Perfect is boring.

I mean, except Shawshank.
That's not boring.

- Yep.
- Well, that's true.

Yeah. I mean, there are perfect
films. Back to the Future.

- Jaws.
- Jaws. Yeah.

- I would say Trent's hair is perfect.
- [NATHAN] Oh, God, yeah.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Not at all boring.

Sure. You know, attributes.
Grace Kelly's eyes.

- The other side of the pillow.
- That is absolutely perfect.

There are perfect analogies.

- Jacket potato, cheese and beans.
- That sounds perfectly yummy. Yeah.

Perfect foods. Spaghetti Bolognese.

- Billy Joel's The Stranger album.
- [TED] Yep, no, that's perfect.

Yes! There are perfect works of art.

There... Perfection is all
around us, everywhere we look.

The mighty redwood.

But I was talking about
perfection in people.

- Oh, sure, sure. Yeah. No, I get you.
- [TRENT] Oh, right. Sure, sure.

Human beings are never
gonna be perfect, Roy.

The best we can do is to keep asking

for help and accepting it when you can.

And if you keep on doing that, you'll
always be moving towards better.

[WHISTLES]

Add that right there to
our list of perfect stuff.

[HIGGINS] Hmm.

- [TED] Ding, ding, ding.
- [ROY] All right.

Thank you.

[BARKING, GROWLING]

[BARKS]

Anyone else wanna go?

I've got a girlfriend.

[ALL] Ooh.

Her name is Jade, and
she actually is perfect.

[BARKING]

[PANTING]

[BARKS]

[RUPERT SIGHS]

- George.
- Rupert.

You guys ready?

Don't you worry, I won't
let you lose to your ex-wife.

[STAMMERS] I mean, your first ex-wife.

I... I mean, your previous,
most recent ex-wi...

- You know what I mean.
- Just b*at them.

Win.

Yes, boss. [SIGHS]

[ARLO] We have to acknowledge
the elephant in the room.

Unsavory allegations
of sexual impropriety


have Rupert Mannion on the
brink of losing his club.


But the truth is, a win today puts

the Hammers into the Champions League,

- a feather in Mannion's cap...
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

... that could keep him in
power a little bit longer.


Ah.

So, this is where they've been
hiding all the beautiful people.

[LAUGHING]

Ah. Hello, Rupert.

- Oh. Rebecca.
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]

- Hi, Sassy.
- Hiya.

Aren't you the lucky man.

Whatever happens today,
a team you love wins.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Heard the news. Ooh. Ouch.

Looks like you're
gonna lose another team.

My God, you get through them like wives.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Or mistresses.

Or, I'm assuming, tubes
of hemorrhoid cream.

But in all seriousness, I...
I do wish you the best...

'cause you are the f*cking worst.

Come on, Richmond!

- Yes!
- Whoo! Yeah!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're in good spirits, aren't you?

Um, anything behind that great mood?

Something that might affect
where I'll work next year?

- After the match, Leslie. Hmm.
- Right.

- Chill.
- Chill. Okay.

Say, Barbara, you a football fan?

Um, I prefer rugby.

There's just more grown men

throwing other grown men
into the air like children.

- And blood.
- Yeah.

- Uh, which is nice. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

One more, boys. Come on. One more.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Uh, we've just been sent
a care package from Zava.

- [PLAYERS GROANING]
- No. Thank you, but no.

I will not let him hurt me again.

- Ooh, it's T-shirts.
- Can I have two, please?

Oh, oh. There's a card.

- "My brothers."
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

[COLIN] "Good luck against West Ham.

Please enjoy the T-shirts
and this avocado from my farm.

Never forget, I am
always inside you. Zava."

What, he sent us one avocado?

- [PLAYERS EXCLAIMING] Whoa!
- [COLIN WHISTLES]

[THIERRY] That's a huge avocado.

Holy guacamole.

Show me that, bro.

f*cking hell.

[GASPS] Oh. Hey... Hey, Dani.

Van Damme. I also got you a gift,

as a way to say I am sorry
for destroying your face.

[GASPS] How do I look?

- Wonderful.
- [CHUCKLES]

Van Damme. You look like a superhero.

- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Yeah? Yeah?

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]

Merci, frère.

De nada, mi amigo.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Y'all ready? Okay? Okay.

All right, fellas. Hey, let's listen up.

Hey. Nice mask, Van Damme.

Oh. Thanks, Coach, but actually
from now on you can call me Zorro.

- You got it, Zoreaux.
- No, no, no, it's pronounced "Zorro."

Oh. Oh, 'cause of the mask.

- [PLAYERS GROANING]
- I got you. Nice one. Okay.

Well, fellas, if you're looking for
a pep talk from me, you're in trouble.

'Cause I'm like Michael Flatley
at : p.m. on St. Patrick's Day,

I'm tapped out. [CHUCKLES]

You know what I mean?

Luckily, though, I
asked Coach Beard here

to make y'all a little
something something to help

inspire and motivate y'all

for our final match together, all right?

- Coach, let her rip.
- Gather up!

[MUSIC PLAYING ON VIDEO]

[LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

[PLAYERS] Oh!

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[NO VIDEO AUDIO]

[LAUGHING]

[ALL] Oh!

[PLAYER] Come on, bro.

- [JAMIE] The barber.
- Okay.

[ALL SHOUTING, SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

Christmas!

[PLAYERS ON VIDEO CHANTING] We are
going up. Yeah, we are going up.

[SHOUTS] We are going
up. Yeah, we are going up.

- [PLAYER] Whoo!
- We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

[PLAYERS ON VIDEO EXCLAIM]

[CROWD CHEERING]

- [PLAYERS SNIFFLING]
- Oh, sh*t.

[CHRIS] As a player, you know the
match starts before the whistle.

During the lineups,

you need to show your opponent
you're ready for the fight.


You've got the eye of the tiger.

[ARLO] Richmond appear
to be crying, Chris.

[CHRIS] Interesting strategy.

[ARLO] Did you ever cry before a game?

[CHRIS] Only during
and after. Never before.

Before the match is reserved
for anxious vomiting.


[ARLO] I'm getting emotional myself.
Chris, would you mind if I wept?

[CHRIS] Not at all, Arlo.
Would you mind if I vomited?

Think we might've blew
it with the video, Coach.

Oh, I couldn't disagree
more. Ain't that right, Roy?

[CRYING] You f*cking smashed it.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ARLO] We've played a quarter of
an hour and remained deadlocked.

West Ham with a corner.

Oh, a lovely ball there.

- Armando sh**t...
- [GRUNTS]

- ... but it's saved by Van Damme.
- [GASPING]

That's all right, that's all right.

I hear he wants to be called Zorro now.

Well, it's about time.

- [SHOUTING]
- [ARLO] Richmond seem to have settled down.

They're on the att*ck, ticking along

with the precision of a Swiss clock,

with Jamie Tartt as its central cog.

[GROANS] Tiki-taka.

- Tiki-f*cking-tedious.
- [SPECTATORS CHUCKLING]

[ARLO] Trickery from Tartt. The
outside of his boot to Rojas.

- So close.
- sh*t!

- [SPECTATORS GROANING]
- sh*t. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, sh**t.

Well, something happened.

[CHRIS] Jamie Tartt is going to carve

West Ham up if they keep letting him.

[CHANTING] Come on,
Richmond! Come on, Richmond!

[ALL CHANTING] Come on,
Richmond! Come on, Richmond!

That's all right, fellas.
Keep calm and get fired up.

Here we go, Greyhounds!

[CHRIS] West Ham looking
dangerous here, Arlo.

- [ARLO] And Quizet scores...
- No!

- ... past a diving Zorro.
- g*dd*mn it!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Come on, Richmond!
- Richmond!

[KEELEY, SASSY] Come on, Richmond!

[CHRIS] Bad moment for the keeper,
but that mask is cool as hell.

[ARLO] He's got that
going for him, Chris.

That's okay, fellas. Let's go!

[CROWD, PLAYERS SHOUTING]

[ARLO] West Ham are gaining ground.
Richmond are playing in reverse.

- [CELL PHONES CHIMING]
- Come on, boys!

[CROWD MURMURING]

- Hey, Nate.
- [CHIMING CONTINUES]

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, is that what I think it is?

Yep. Man City just scored.

[ARLO] In Manchester, City have
taken the lead against Liverpool.

It's okay. All right. Okay.

[ARLO] Here in West London,
the Hammers are on the att*ck.

[CHRIS] Richmond absolutely
cannot concede here, Arlo.

- And they've conceded!
- No!

- [GROANS]
- [ARLO] West Ham extend their lead.

Richmond's dreams are in tatters.

[SCREAMS, GROANS]

sh*t! Don't say "sh*t."

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[ARLO] And at the half, it's West
Ham , Richmond's title hopes .

Chris Powell, how would
you sum up the first half?


Richmond's Cinderella story seems

to be turning into a big, fat pumpkin.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]

- Just go.
- All right.

Shut your butts and
sit your mouths down!

[PLAYERS MUTTERING]

You know what I meant.

[PLAYER SIGHS]

Thanks, Coach.

Well, fellas, we got our work
cut out for us in the second half.

But you know, I'll get
to all that in a minute.

No, uh, right now, all I wanna
do is let you gentlemen know

what an absolute honor
it's been to be your coach.

Getting to work with y'all
these last three years

has truly been one of the
greatest experiences of my life.

I've loved getting to know each
and every single one of you.

Learning all about the men you were

and getting a front-row seat to
see the men you all have become.

A-And I wanna thank you
for your patience with me.

You know, when I showed up here, I
didn't know one thing about soccer.

But now...

Well, now I know at least
one thing about football.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]

I'm just so gosh damn proud to
be a part of this team. You know?

And I love you guys.

I'm gonna miss y'all.

Now, regarding this second half...

Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen.

[CHUCKLES] You know what I mean?

No one does.

Sports would be a lot less
fun if we did. You know?

[PLAYER CHUCKLES]

And you all would probably make
a lot less money, so... You know?

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

We don't wanna know the future.
No, no, we wanna be here right now.

And look, I-I know we're
down a couple goals.

But I'm telling you, man,

if y'all play hard, play smart,
play together and just, you know...

Just do what y'all do,

and we'll go out with the peace of
mind knowing we did our best. Right?

- That we tried. Yeah?
- [PLAYERS MURMURING] Yes, Coach.

Hmm. All right.

Anybody else have something to say?

- Coach.
- Yeah, Sam, what you got?

[CHUCKLES]

- Yeah, let's go. Let's do it.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[JAMIE] That's my bit.
I know where that went.

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

[PLAYER ] This one goes here.

- [PLAYER ] Hold on. No, no.
- [PLAYER ] Just right there.

- There you go.
- [PLAYERS] Ah.

And there it is. Number four. Yeah?

- All right, let's bring it in.
- [SNIFFLES]

I know folks like to say,
"There's no place like home."

That's true. You know.

- [PLAYER CHUCKLES]
- Mm-hmm.

Man, there ain't a whole lot of
places like AFC Richmond either.

[DANI] Mmm.

Captain?

- Richmond on three. One, two, three...
- [PLAYERS] Richmond! [CLAMORING]

- [PLAYERS CHATTERING, CHEERING]
- _

[ARLO] The Greyhounds have
come out for the second half

looking like the team we've
seen win matches in a row.


Playing a style of football
that is as fun to watch


as it is to play.

[CHRIS] Well, it makes me wish
I was down there right now, Arlo.

Not playing, because I'm
old and likely to get hurt.

- [PLAYERS SHOUTING]
- [ARLO] Audacious from Tartt.

Rojas cuts inside. He sh**t!

- Off the post!
- [GROANING]

- [ARLO] Obisanya...
- [GASPING]

- ... off the woodwork again!
- Oh!

No, no, no!

- [ARLO] Hughes!
- [CROWD, COACHES CHEERING]

[ARLO] Another miss!

[ALL GROANING]

- [CHEERING]
- [ARLO] And Tartt finally puts it away

in the st minute, and
Richmond have a lifeline!


Yes! Get in!

- Yeah, Jamie Tartt!
- [LAUGHS]

[ARLO] The entire front
four were involved.

- And Tartt put it home.
- ♪ Jamie Tartt, dun-dun-du-dun-un ♪

[CHRIS] This feels like
trouble for West Ham, Arlo.

The one thing they cannot afford
to do is let Jamie Tartt get going.


For f*ck's sake, George,
do something. Mark him.

[MOUTHING WORDS] Get in there.

[ARLO] And here come Richmond again!

Tartt loses his marker.

- [CROWD GASPS]
- Referee!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- And it's a penalty!

[ARLO] Richmond have
been relentless this half.

Now, Tartt wins them
a chance to equalize.


Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

[CHRIS] That was
professional from Tartt.

Not quite a dive, but not
much of a foul either.


[BAR PATRONS CHATTERING]

Yes, Jamie Tartt, you f*cking genius!

Hey.

Knock it in, muchacho.

Sure.

Crush it, Capitan.

What the f*ck, bruv?

Okay.

Just take it, mate.

- Bruv.
- It'll be fun.

El Isaac.

- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [ARLO] Is McAdoo stepping up?

- Oh, sh*t.
- [CHRIS] Wait, what?

McAdoo to take the penalty?

- I wouldn't trust him to take an aspirin.
- [CHUCKLING]

[INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES HEAVILY]

[ARLO] Isaac McAdoo has
never taken a penalty

in his entire career.

- This is madness from yards.
- Come on, man. You got this, bro.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

- [WEST HAM PLAYER] Let's go!
- sh*t.

Okay, gents, outside the area, please.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

It's like he's sh**ting a
free throw with his feet.

[BOTH] Shh!

[ARLO] This is McAdoo's moment. If
he scores here, the comeback is on.

Oh, it's gone over the
bar and into the stands!


[CROWD GASPING, GROANING]

[ARLO] Hang on a second.

Mike Dean wants a closer
look at something.


- What?
- Wait.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

[ARLO] Mike Dean's calling it a goal.

- How is it possible?
- [MOUTHING WORD] What?

[CHEERING]

[CHRIS] Did McAdoo just hit the ball

- through the bloody net?
- Oh, f*ck!

[ARLO] I think he did, Chris.

We've never seen anything like this,

- and the score is - .
- [CHEERING]

- [CHEERS] - .
- Whoo!

[ARLO] West Ham are furious.
And you can't really blame them.

- This is unprecedented.
- [LAUGHS]

- What just happened?
- [CHEERING]

[CHRIS] We need to take another
look at that penalty, Arlo.

[ARLO] A-And look, he cannons
the ball through the net! And...

Oh, goodness me. I hope that fan's okay.

[CHEERING]

Come on, Richmond!

- Oh! That is a lot of blood.
- Oh, my God. It's him.

Yes! Whoo! Whoo!

Finally. [CHUCKLES] Whoo!

[CHEERING]

[ARLO] And as a result of
McAdoo's superhuman foot,

we'll have a bit of a stoppage as the

grounds crew race to replace the net.

Where's he going?

[GEORGE] Huddle. Huddle. Come on.

[ARLO] Hang on, Rupert Mannion is out on

the pitch and he's headed to the dugout!

- ... going right on the...
- Oi.

- What are you doing?
- What the f*ck are you doing?

W-What are you talking about?

Tartt is out there doing
whatever he f*cking wants.

Yeah. But I've got two
players on him already.

Take him out.

- Are you joking?
- Get rid of him.

[ARLO] This is remarkable.
Rupert Mannion remonstrating

with his own manager on the pitch.

- You don't see this very often.
- What's he doing?

[CHRIS] Well, not since the
invention of telephones at least.

- I'm not playing the game like that.
- You do what I say or you are done.

f*ck off. [GRUNTS]

- [ARLO] Oh, dear.
- [PATRONS GASP]

[ARLO] Ugly scenes at Nelson Road.

[CHRIS] Rupert Mannion's nuts.

- And George Cartrick's.
- [ARLO] Damn it, Chris.

Oi, ref, there's three
balls on the field!

[LAUGHING]

What?

Get up.

[SIGHS]

Get up!

[MIKE DEAN] Okay, gents.
Let's go, please. We're back.

George. Put 'em away.

Oh, yeah.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

- Right. Come on, lads. Get out there.
- [PLAYERS CLAPPING]

Come on! You can take
these. You've got more heart.

- [CROWD JEERING]
- That's what I wanna see. More passion.

O'Neill, keep the
midfield tight. Come on!

Hearts of lions, lads!

Hearts of lions!

[FAN ] w*nk*r!

- [FAN ] w*nk*r!
- [FAN ] w*nk*r! w*nk*r!

[CROWD] w*nk*r! w*nk*r! w*nk*r!

w*nk*r! w*nk*r! w*nk*r!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

w*nk*r! [CHUCKLES]

[PATRONS] w*nk*r!
w*nk*r! w*nk*r! w*nk*r!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

- [ARLO] And the game goes on.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Presumably without Rupert Mannion.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHRIS] Ever since the match resumed,

West Ham have had all the momentum.

[ARLO] They're pinging this around, and

Richmond can't get the ball off them.

A lob into the box.

Zoreaux knocks it.

Oh, no.

[ARLO] The Hammers pounce.
Back into the mixer.

- [ARLO] And it's - !
- [GROANING]

Heaven for the Hammers.
Heartbreak for the home side.


[LAUGHS]

What the f*ck are you laughing at?

- Fourteen was offside.
- What?

Mmm.

[ARLO] VAR are checking the replay.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Offside.
- [CHEERING]

- [ARLO] The goal's been disallowed.
- Boom.

[ARLO] A stay of execution for Richmond

as West Ham are called for offside.

- Oh, thank you.
- [BOTH IMITATE expl*si*n]

Huh.

- It's not counterfeit.
- Not a reflection on you.

One minute of added time remaining
in Richmond's miracle season.

Come on. Put your foot in.

[ARLO] The Greyhounds are
running out of time and ideas.

- Come on.
- [ARLO] Do they have one miracle left?

[PLAYER SHOUTING]

[ARLO] Tartt, completely boxed in.

He finds Montlaur bearing down on goal.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Montlaur is brought down.

And Richmond have a free
kick in a dangerous position.


- [CHEERS]
- [KEELEY] Come on.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- Come on.
- Come on.

[ARLO] This could be useful.
What can Richmond order up here?

- Okay. Come on. Talk to me, geese.
- Uh, Lasso Special.

We're too close for
that. Uh, Loki's Toboggan?

That's a long-ass toboggan
ride. Uh, Upside-Down Taxicab.

- [ROY] It's tough without Cockburn.
- Wait. Hold on.

Hey, Nate. Nate, come here.
Come on. Hurry up. Come on.

- Yeah, of course.
- Hey, fellas! Hey! [WHISTLES]

I don't know what...

[ARLO] Time is running out. What
can the Greyhounds conjure here?

Oh. Here, hold that.

[TED] It's an Oscar!

It's heavy. It's a little
heavy. There you go. Yeah.

- [TED] Or the ESPY.
- [PLAYERS] Oh.

All right. Here we
go. Give me that. Okay.

- [JAMIE] You know what you're doing?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- I'm good. Yeah, yeah.

[SIGHS]

- [ARLO] It all comes down to this.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ARLO] Obisanya lays it off to Dixon.

Come on, come on. Come on.

[ARLO] Dixon switches
the play to Bumbercatch.

Tartt makes his run into the box.

Yeah, yeah! Pass me the ball.
Me, me, me! I want the ball!

Pass me the ball, please.

[CHRIS] Obisanya's unmarked.

[ARLO] A beautiful ball in.

Barbecue sauce.

[CHEERING]

[ARLO] Richmond have done it! Oh,
my God, the Greyhounds have done it!

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

- [SCREAMS] Oh! [SCREAMS]
- Yeah! Go, Dad! [SCREAMS]

Yes! [LAUGHS] Yeah!

[ARLO] Nelson Road is in rapture!

- You used my play! You used my play!
- Yeah, I did! Yeah!

Come on. Bring it... Bring it... Bring.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[ARLO] Mike Dean blows for full time.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you, good game.

[ARLO] And the fans are
storming onto the pitch!

And you simply cannot blame them!

[ALL CHEERING, SHOUTING]

We won.

- Come on.
- [CHUCKLES]

[ALL CHEERING]

Look what you did, Rebecca!

- Go, Richmond!
- Look what you did!

- I didn't do it.
- Yes, you f*cking did!

- [PLAYERS CHANTING]
- [ARLO] There's a fun sight.

Ted Lasso celebrating with his team.

[CHRIS] I never know how
to react when a white guy

does the running man
in front of everyone.


[CHEERING, CHANTING]

[CHRIS] Well, what a game, Arlo.

[ARLO] Well, Richmond
have done all they can,

so it's time to head over
to the Etihad Stadium


to see the fate of the
Premier League title.


[CHEERING FADES]

_

[PLANE APPROACHING]

_

- Ready?
- Just these two, please.

- [ANNOUNCER] ... flight to Kansas City.
- [CASHIER] Sure.

- [BEEPS]
- All right.

- Thank you.
- Appreciate you.

- Whoa! Are you Ted Lasso?
- Yeah. I'm one of them.

Oh, mate, sucks about
Richmond coming in second.

- Uh, Man City are just too good, yeah.
- Hmm. Yeah.

- Are you heading home for a cheeky visit?
- I'm heading home for good, actually.

That's stupid. Should have
stayed, crushed it. Legend.

Just a bit unlucky at the end.

- Can I get an ussie?
- Yeah, sure.

Sick.

- Wicked.
- Kinky Boots.

Now what the heck are you doing here?

[SIGHS] I just bought a
ticket to get through security

so I could come and
say a proper goodbye.

Ah. Classic rom-com leave-cute tactic.

- [CHUCKLES] Hmm.
- Love it. Okay.

Hold on. You bought
yourself a first-class ticket

- for a flight you ain't ever gonna take?
- It was just force of habit.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Uh, I see you're sticking
around though, huh?

[SIGHS]

Well, Ted, you're going
home to your family and...

I actually want to stay with mine.

Hmm.

It's a great picture, you know.
Can't wait to read the article.

- It's not bad, actually.
- Hmm.

I would have preferred if they hadn't

described me as the "club matriarch."

Mmm. Yeah.

I mean, it does have more
gravitas than "soccer mom."

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Sorry. Oh. No, I'm sorry.

Please, you go first.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Okay.

- [GATE AGENT] There you are.
- Thank you.

[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] Seat belt
sign has now been illuminated,

so please take your seat.

The cabin door has been closed.

Flight attendants, please
prepare for gate departure.


[SIGHS]

Coach, is this nuts?

Us leaving like this?

I mean, we almost won the
whole frigging thing, you know?

Saying goodbye to a bunch of nice folks.

A-And I know I've finally accepted
that air conditioning is a privilege

and not a right.

[SIGHS] I don't know. What do you think?

I can't do this.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I don't wanna
go, Ted. I'm in love with Jane.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I wanna stay,
and I don't wanna let you down.

But with your permission, I'd love

to run off this plane and into her arms.

Well, I mean, what about your luggage?

- Forget my luggage. It's full of rice.
- What? Why?

- I haven't slept for three days, man.
- Okay. I'm sorry, you know.

I've been dreading this.
Talking to you. Abandoning you.

What? No, no, no, hold on, Coach.
You ain't abandoning me, okay?

You're just following
your heart. I get it.

And, yeah, you should go.

But look, man, I don't think
they're gonna let you off this plane

with that door already shut.

I have a plan.

Of course you do. Okay.
What do you need me to do?

Whatever's about to happen,
that's a great start.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too, Willis.

[SCREAMS]

- Oh, boy.
- [SCREAMS] My appendix!

- The other side, Coach.
- Thank you. [SCREAMING]

Oh, my God. Are you all right, sir?

- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- Call the medics.

[GROANING]

Would you like to go to the
hospital with your friend?

[SCREAMS]

Nah. I'm okay. Thanks though.

What a f*cking arsehole.

["FATHER AND SON" PLAYING]

[PILOT] Flight attendants cross-check.
Please prepare for departure.

Oh, God!

- Little love, are you all right?
- [SPEAKING DUTCH]

I... It's you.

Wie is dat, Papa?

[CHUCKLES] Um... [SPEAKING DUTCH] Uh...

Rebecca.

Rebecca.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

_

Hmm.

_

- [CHATTERING]
- We've got to put this one this way.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Please welcome the new manager
of AFC Richmond, Roy Kent!

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING]

Oh, hello!

Hi!

[KEELEY] Nice to see you.

- [CUSTOMER] Thank you.
- Cheers.

- Your name?
- [CUSTOMER ] Shannon.

- I have something to show you.
- Hmm.

_

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SONG CONTINUES]

Go down a little. And by
little, I actually mean,

- like, three inches.
- [NATHAN] Yeah. Yeah.

- [ROY MUTTERS]
- Stop.

- Good going there, Roy.
- All right, bring me down.

Isn't it marvelous
that we can gather here

on this most historical of monuments

under the gaze of his good Lordship?

Friends and family sharing
the love that is entwined

for Beard and Jane.

And not just Beard and Jane,

for Jane beareth one of
God's newest children.

And I know... [CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PILOT] This is your captain. Welcome to

Kansas City International Airport.

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[HENRY] He's here! Dad's here! Come on!

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

[CHUCKLING] Hey.

Yep. Thank you.

Come on, man. Talk to
me. How are you doing?

- [HENRY] Good.
- [TED] Yeah?

- [HENRY] Mm-hmm.
- [TED] What's new?

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

[TED] All right. Good save.
Let's go. Come on. Let's att*ck.

Find some space, Henry. There you go.

Come on, Henry!

[TED] All right. Let it rip.

- [CROWD GROANS]
- Oh! [GROANS]

- All right, that's okay.
- [HENRY GROANS] sh**t.

Hey, Henry. Come here, man.

- Hey, you okay?
- Can't believe I missed that.

Hey. Don't worry about all
that, okay? What do we say, huh?

[SIGHS] Be a goldfish.

That's right.

All right. Now, come on
now. Get on out there.

- Have some fun, yeah? Attaboy.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay, yeah.

Come on, boys. Good job, Henry.

["FIGHT TEST" PLAYING]
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