02x01 - Thick as Thieves

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Benson". Aired: September 13, 1979 – April 19, 1986.*
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Spin off from Soap - Benson DuBois is hired to be the head of household affairs for widowed Governor Eugene X. Gatling and his daughter Katie.
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02x01 - Thick as Thieves

Post by bunniefuu »

KRAUS: [SHOUTING] What was that?

Nothing.

Go back to bed, Kraus.

KRAUS: Do you know it's : in the morning?

Thank you, Big Ben.

Benson, what in the world are you doing up?

Do you know what time it is?

KRAUS: [SHOUTING] It's :.

Kraus is having a little trouble sleeping.

Well, I'm not.

I just typed an entire letter with my eyes closed.

I don't know howwe're ever gonna finishthis budget by the morning.

You want a sandwich? No, thanks, Marcy.

I'm gonna finish this milk and go straight to bed.

So, did you figure out a way how to cut % out of the household budget?

I had a sure-fire way. But Kraus wouldn't quit.

KRAUS: [SHOUTING]How do you expectme to get to sleep?

Try closing the lid on your bed.

Peter, you cannot, take staff cars away from government employees.

How would they get any work done?

They don't work in their cars.

And they don't work in their offices, either.

Do you mind, Benson?

Besides, they could take the bus.

That's a good idea.

Hey, and it's great PR. Now, think of the headline,

"Public Employeeson Public Transportation."

And what would you dofor people at my level?

Build a subway.

There's not a thing to eat in there.

Well, Benson, this hardly reflects well on your management skills.

There's nothing in the cupboard, either.

And there won't be until Kraus goes to the market in the morning.

[SHUSHING]

[SCREAMING]

Kraus has her own definition of dressed to k*ll.

I'm sorry we wokeyou up, Miss Kraus.

There doesn't seemto be anything to eat.

Undwhose fault is that?

I didn't cut the food budget.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

What if you can't stand the cook?

There's no way I can keep working without something to eat.

Well, what do youwant me to do about it?

All right. All right. We're all a little irritable.

It's from not getting any sleep.

It's from not having anything to eat.

It's from not getting any sleep.

Undnow I'm wide awake undI'm hungry.

This would be a bad time to tease her.

I've got an idea. Why don't we send out for something?

They have sandwiches at that -hour store, Stan's Speedy Mart.

Good idea. Don't be long, Benson. We have to get back to work.

You talking to me?

I'll have a container of cottage cheese and a small milk.

She talking to me?

I better write all this down.

Yeah, get me a couple of burritos, a submarine sandwich,

a package of donuts and a six-pack of diet cola.

I ain't going.

You don't mind,do you, Benson?

I really can't spare anybody from the budget meeting.

What'll you have, Clayton?

Very lean roast beef

on white bread with the crusts trimmed,

Boston lettuce, beefsteak tomatoes and Grey Poupon mustard.

Why don't I just get you a gift certificate?

[RINGING]

Hello.

Just a minute.

Pete, it's for you.

It's your soon to be ex-wife calling collect.

Yeah, what else?

Uh, yeah, Operator. We'll accept the charges.

You'll accept the charges.

Yeah, Janine, why are you calling me at : in the morning?

It's :?

What are you doing in Tahiti?

What do you mean you want me to send the support check there?

Yeah, okay. Give me-- Give me the address.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Care of Johnny Pukka?

Yeah. General delivery,Bora Bora.

Yeah, I'll have the check off in the morning.

How about that?She's leaving mefor a man in a grass skirt.

Just what my stomach needed.

Oh, you better get me a quart of vanilla ice cream, too.

I don't know why I ever got married.

You needed a date for the prom.

I'm not gonna let you get to me.

I'm talking to you.

Well, I've got to get back to that budget. Here, then, Benson.

You can finish that off. So, what do you want?

Oh, completely forgot about myself.

Isn't that always the way?

I remember one time when I was captain of the softball team

and I was supposed to assign everybody's position.

So, I gave 'em all out

and when they took the field,

I was the only oneleft on the bench.

So, what do you want?

I wanted to play second base.

I mean, to eat.

Oh, oh.

I haven't had a fried egg sandwich in a long time.

One fried egg sandwich.

Of course, the last time I had one,

it stained my tie.

Oh, you better make it something that's not so runny.

I know, grilled cheese.

One non-runnygrilled cheese.

Make sure they squoosh the bread.

Squoosh? Yeah, yeah, squoosh.

Kraus, have you decided yet?

Well,I don't knowwhat they have.

Well, why don't you ride down with Benson

and then make up your mind when you get there?

Well, here, Kraus. Since you're going down there anyway,

why don't you pick up this stuff?

I don't like to go out at night alone.

What's the matter? You're afraid the villagers will chase you with torches?

I'll be ready as soon as I put on my face.

If she's got another face, why has she been using that one?

You didn't talk to me all the way over here.

Well, you're the one who wanted to ride in the back seat.

I might as well have been the spare tire.

I wish I'd have thought of that.

Then you could haverode in the trunk.

Hey, where are you going? I need something.

That's not on the list.

I forgot this at the drugstore yesterday.

I'll pay you back tomorrow.

I don't know if I have enough money. What is it, anyway?

Vanishing cream.My treat.

Do you have sandwiches?

Do you read?

"Hot dogs, burgers, chili, pizza undStan's Health Sandwich."

What's in the health sandwich?

None of the above.

I hate to tell you, lady,

but that sandwich isn't fit for human consumption.

Perfect.Give it to her.

Benson, I think we better go somewhere else.

No, Kraus. I don't want to spend all night getting this food.

I want to get back and get to bed.

Don't even think it.

Let's see, now. You don't have a grilled cheese.

Give me a cheese pizza and squoosh it.

No roast beef. Give me a hot dog.

I don't suppose that comes with Grey Poupon mustard?

You don't need it. The hot dog's gray.

Pete ordered, uh...Give him one of everything.

You got any diet soda?

Uh, yeah,over in the corner.

You want me to ring that up?

Don't be silly. I don't read this trash.

Okay, everybody.

Let me guess.

It's another stickup, right?

Hey, you, shut up.

Start stuffing money into a bag.

All right, move out of the way, lady.

Don't touch me,you creep.

Settle down.

Don't make me sh**t you.

KRAUS: Now, Benson.

Don't try it, Benson.

That's not Benson.

That's Benson over there.

You know, this is a $. here, Nacagama?

I don't want this. It's a $. down the street.

Excuse me.

Hey, wise guy. Come on. Over near the pretty lady.

Where? Move! Move!

Give!

This is $. Look around, Willard.

Better have some money in that purse, gorgeous.

Will die first.

Give him that purse, woman.

Very smart, Benson.

Well, why don't you give him your wallet?

Gee, why didn't I think of that?

Hey, look, Kurt. A safe.

Don't touch the dial. It's...

[ALARM BLARING]

...hooked up to the alarm.

Now the cops are on their way.

How long? Twenty minutes.

The station's next door.

No, you're not going anywhere!

We are makinga citizens' arrest.

You looking to die,lady?

Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Kraus, I hate to remind you, but you're not a citizen.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Well, I suppose this means we'll be seeing more of each other.

What were we talking about?

Huh? Who? Me? What?

Those short naps are great.

You were saying

we can't get the money for the libraries.

That's right. There's no way we can get that money.

I could get the money.

It would be wrong. But I could get it.

We're not getting anything done here.

You know I gave up a date for this?

I was all packed and everything.

Please, spare us the seamy details of your personal life.

Clayton, it's late.

I'm very tired. I have a headache.

My left foot's asleep.

And my mouthfeels like an ashtray.

So, kiss off.

Come on, you guys.

Let's get backto the libraries.

I've made up my mind.

Uh, yes, Governor. Hmm.

I'm gonna go with my intuition.

I will have thatfried egg sandwich.

Marcy, see if you can get Benson on the telephone.

OFFICER ON BULLHORN: Send out your prisoners,

then throw out your g*ns and give yourselves up.

Now, you're going to get it.

They have this place surrounded.

The only way you could escape now would be to k*ll everybody.

Kraus, let 'em come up with their own plan.

We're not gonna have tokill anybody, are we, Kurt?

How should I know?

Oh, the cops will make a deal with us.

No deals.

You either walk out or they carry you out.

Do us all a big favor. Gag her.

Okay, in there. You ready to give up?

We want to make a deal!

No deals.

Looks like the cops don't care what happens to you.

Wait a minute.

All they can get you for now is armed robbery.

How many years is that?

Seven to ten.

You'll be out on the streetin months.

UndI will hunt you down like the dogs you are.

I'm not going to jail.

The police are gonna make a deal.

Why, we're not important.He's right.

Why should the cops carewhat happens to them?

We got nothingto bargain with.

So, why don't youlet us all go home?

[RINGING] Hey.

Hello.

Yeah, Benson's here, he's busy right now.

Is that for me? Some guy says you work for him.

Hey, look, bozo, you want a fried egg sandwich,

you make it yourself!

You can't talk to him like that!Kraus, shut up.

Do you realize you are speaking to the governor of the state?

You two work for the governor?

Nice going, Kraus. You just gave him something to bargain with.

They want that in unmarked old bills.

Don't worry, Governor, we're okay.

What?

That's enough.

You could have just told me my three minutes were up.

Get over there with the others. Move! Move!

Hey, Kurt, you think they're really going to give us a helicopter?

No harm in asking.

Don't worry, we'll settle for a car full of gas

as long as they give us the $,.

We are not afraid of you, you know.

Kraus, here,is a lot like me.

She don't takeanything off of anybody.

She's her own man.

I'm a woman, you jerk.

I think he's tryingto compliment you.

I know you're a woman and a very attractive woman.

On the other hand,maybe he's just insane.

Who knows? If things were different,

we might justget it together.

I wouldn't get it within feet of you.

You're in no position to bargain.

[BUZZING]

Your burgers are done.

Now, Kurt Gaingridge is a three-time loser

wanted in six states.

Willard Turkin escaped

from a West Coast mental institution.

The FBI advises, approach with caution.

The only thing we can get on this black guy, Benson,

is that he served in Korea.

Benson's one of our people.

Will you vouch for that, Governor? Oh, yes, of course.

Must've been a clerical error.

So, what, exactly, are you advising, Captain?

Well, standard operating procedure is to wait 'em out.

We have been waiting for five hours.

What do you want me to do,storm the place?

No, of course not. Oh, I'd love to.

You just give me the word, Governor,

and we'll go in there and get your people.

I'll give you my personal guarantee,

we'll get at least half of them out.

We're talking about three human beings.

You expect us to settle for one and a half?

Now, look, Miss Hill, I happen to be a professional.

Now, we may have to lose one of your help,

but when you're dealing with people like...

What are you talking about, you pompous moron?

They're our friends.

Sweetheart, please. This is a man's job.

Oh, you're gonna send out for somebody?

Marcy, please.

See, we're all a little edgy.

See, Benson and Kraus are more than our co-workers.

They're, well,they're family.

Now, I know we can't justgive in to these criminals,

but before we takeany action that mightendanger their lives,

I want every other possibility exhausted.

Now, you can understand that, can't you?

Yeah, I suppose.

This country has gone to hell since John Wayne d*ed.

I've been robbed times.

No problems.

But the minute government people get involved,

I've got a major incident.

I should've never left the seminary.

Kurt, what's taking them so long?

We've been in here for almost eight hours.

Give 'em one more hour,till noon.

Then I start throwing out bodies.

You are nothing but a vicious criminal.

And I suggest you keep that in mind, Kraus.

Come on, lady.

Let's be nice to each other, huh? Hmm?

I don't want to have anything to do with you.

Hey, lady, you should be flattered.

I wouldn't exactly call you a ten.

Do you plan to stand there undlet him humiliate me?

My plan is to get us bothout of here alive.

In fact, you'd have to dress up to be a two.

There goes my plan.

Katie, one of the policemen went out for some sandwiches.

Honey, you want one?

I don't feel like eating.

Me, neither.

Oh, I didn't expect to find anybody in here.

Daddy, have you heard anything?

Nothing definite, sweetheart.

Daddy, they're not gonna die, are they?

Honey,

it's bad, but this is no time to give up hoping.

Governor, what happens if those men...

Marcy, I've got to believe

that everything will be all right.

Daddy,

I can't imagine this place without Benson and Miss Kraus.

None of us can, honey.

Believe me, sweetheart, we're going to do everything we possibly can, everything.

Uh, Marcy...

Uh, Katie,why don't you and Igo upstairs, okay?

Don't worry, Daddy.

I believe in you.

Come on, darling.

What is it?

They just called, sir.

They want to take Benson and Kraus with them.

They saythey'll release themwhen they cross the border.

Well, we can't let 'em do that.

Well, there are other options, Governor. I know.

I know, Captain McDermott.

How much time do we have?

Fifteen minutes.

I have .

I'll need some lead time to prepare my men.

Give me five minutes, gentlemen, to think it over.

We'll be in your office, sir.

That's five minutes, Governor. No more.

Right.

Damn!

Hey, you, two more beers.

Coming up.

I'm sorry, Benson.

It's my fault.

We are going to die.

Well, I sure hope they untie us first.

I'd hate to have to do eternity with you.

Please, Benson, in these last few minutes,

can't we just shake hands and be friends?

Kraus, if we try to shake hands now, we'll break something.

And besides we're friends.

I'm so afraid, Benson.

They will k*ll us.

Ah, no, I don't thinkthey're gonna k*ll us.

But you have to cooperate.

Ja.Easy for you to say.

If that pig tried to kiss you, would you cooperate?

Yeah, I'd kiss him.

But I wouldn't mean it.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey.

Hello.

Ah, Governor, nice of you to call.

Everything all arranged?

Of course they're okay.

Yeah, yeah, hang on a second.

Governor wants tohear you're okay.Come here.

Don't tie up that phone all day.

This is a business, you know?

Yeah, yeah, this is Benson.

Benson, how are you?

I've been better.

Is anybody else listening?

No, not really.

Listen, Benson,I've had to makea very difficult decision.

In exactly three minutes, the police SWAT team is coming in.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

This is no laughing matter, Benson.

They'll be carrying shotguns and a*t*matic weapons.

No, no, no, no.

No, they're very nice guys. Real gentlemen.

And, listen, Benson, if--if they start sh**ting at you,

try to get out of the way.

Yeah, Kraus is fine, too.

Oh, and Benson,one other thing.

It'll be very helpful if you can create a diversion.

Oh, you have a nice day, too.

That's enough. Get away from the phone.

Okay, Governor, you know they're okay.

You got five minutesto pull back the cops.

Hey, Kurt, come over here a minute.

What's going on, Willard?

Kraus, the Governor wants to bring in a SWAT team.

We've got tocreate a diversion.

We will all be k*lled.

No, no, no, no. I've got an idea.

You'll have to useyour womanly wiles.

My womanly wiles?

You know, get us untied. Be nice to Kurt.

Benson, I can't do that. I'm so afraid.

I'm not as brave as I've been pretending.

Well, nobody's as brave as you've been pretending.

You think I'm a coward, don't you?

Oh, Gretchen, it's all right to be afraid.

But this is something you've gotta do.

Our lives depend on it.Be nice.

Okay, car's here.

Be happy to know, in about a half hour, we'll be on our way.

Um, say, um, Kurt.

Would you like to split a yogurt?

What?

Um, I mean, um, I was just thinking

how nice if we could sit together in the car.

He'll never buy it.

Really?

He bought it.

Um, we, we still have some time.

If you come over here unduntie me, we can...

You know.

Now you're talking my language.

But, uh, what made you, uh,

change your mind, anyway?

Well, actually,I have felt this way

from the first moment you walked in

but you know how we Germans are.

So afraid to show our emotions.

Shall we dance? There's no music.

♪ Strangers in the night Exchanging glances

♪ Staring through the light We'll take our chances ♪

Freeze! Freeze!

Okay, move it out of here.

Move, move!

It worked, it worked, it worked.

Oh, Benson, you were magnificent.

Well, Kraus, you weren't so bad yourself.

Well, I won't tell anybody if you won't.

Then what happened,Miss Kraus?

Well, then I had this brilliant idea to dance him around.

All Benson had to do was take away the g*n.

KATIE: Wow.

What was the most horrible part, Benson?

Right at the end. Benson!

Morning.

Oh, Katie, you'll miss your bus, honey.

I'm on my way.

Bye.

I can't wait to tell the kids at school about this.

Bye, everybody.Bye, Liebchen.

Bye-bye.

Well, Marcy, let's take our coffee back inside

and get to that budget.

That budget hasn't been balanced since the Civil w*r.

And we have to do it before lunch.

Oh, Benson, could you come up a little later?

I want to talk to youabout the drapesin the Governor's office.

Okay, Marcy. Thanks.

Did you see that, Benson?

A few minutes ago we were the conquering heroes.

Now it's, "Come up undsee me about the drapes."

Kraus, we had our moment of glory.

Isn't that enough for you?

Well, at least we made the morning paper.

We did? What does it say?

"Three held by gunmen.

"During an attempted robbery at Stan's Speedy Mart,

"two armed robbers held three local citizens

"at gunpoint for nine unda half hours.

"Held, was Stanley Nacagama, owner of the store,

"Gretchen Kraus, of the governor's personal staff,

"undan unidentified black man."

[LAUGHING] Got you.
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