03x34 - Betty Jo's Bike

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Petticoat Junction". Aired: September 24, 1963 – April 4, 1970.*
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Show centers on the goings-on at the rural Shady Rest Hotel.
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03x34 - Betty Jo's Bike

Post by bunniefuu »

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(bell clanging)

You got the money to pay for it?

No.

Then there's no
point in discussing it.

Willie's only asking $23 for it.

- $24.
- But you'd take $23.

I'd take $23.50.

Mom, where could you find
a motorbike like this for $22?

$23.

What are you
going to use it for?

Ride it to school.

On the tracks?

Oh, I'll put it on the train

and ride from the
station to school.

But you can walk
from the station.

But it's such a long walk.

Oh, yes, got to be
all of ten minutes.

No, sir, I don't like the idea

of you racing around the
countryside on this thing.

Mrs. Bradley, it don't go
faster than six mile an hour.

Six miles an hour?

Well, downhill.

I'll give you $19 for it.

$22.50.

Mom, $20 for a
motorbike is a real bargain.

$21... it's got a
gallon of gas in it.

Betty Jo, supposing I was
to say you could have it.

- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Hold it.

I said, "Suppose I
said you could have it."

Where would you get $17?

$19.

Well, you're always asking
me what I want for Christmas,

and I thought... That is...

Well, gosh, this is what I want.

Well, aside from the fact that
Christmas is a few months away,

my whole Christmas
budget is $15.

- $16.
- $15.

$15 but without the headlight.

Well, I'll try to raise
the money some way.

Willie, you won't sell it
to anybody else, will you?

Well, I can't promise.

I got a firm $12 offer
from Horace Otis,

and that's without the seat.

Well, promise me you won't
sell it till you talk to me first.

Well, okay.

Oh, thanks.

(motor rumbling loudly)

- Bye, Betty.
- Bye.

Bye, Mrs. Bradley.

(motor roaring)

Doesn't it sound beautiful?

But I've got to earn some money.

What do you need money for?

I want to buy
Willie's motorbike.

Don't slam the
door on the way out.

Oh, my gosh, Bobbie, I mean...

What do you need
a motorbike for?

You're a girl.

I know.

Then why don't you act like one?

How is a girl supposed to act?

Why don't you ask Mom?

Ask me what?

How is a girl supposed to act?

You mean you're going to
start going out with boys?

No, she wants to
buy a motorbike.

Oh, that again.

Betty Jo, it's time you
learned the facts of life.

I know the facts of life.

Then what do you
want a motorbike for?

What's wrong with a motorbike?

You're a girl.

Why does everybody
keep saying that?

Bobbie Jo, you got
some cold cream?

No, Mom.

Well, I have some.

You do?

Yeah.

I'm a girl.

We've got to do
something about her.

- Like what?
- Hide her.

Motorbike, huh?

Yes, it's a beauty.

Doggone, when I was a boy,
I always wanted a motorbike.

- Did you get one?
- No.

When I was a boy,
they didn't have them.

Oh, watch your pressure.

Charley, there must
be something I can do

to earn some money on the train.

I could sweep the coach.

No, that's Floyd's job.

Well, I could polish the engine.

That's Floyd's job, too.

Well, I could clean
out the firebox.

Floyd does that.

Hey, Charley, maybe
she could take your job.

You ain't doing anything.

I run the engine.

You couldn't run the engine

if I didn't throw
wood in the firebox.

Then throw it.

Charley, maybe
Floyd had a good idea.

I did? What was it?

About my taking
over Charley's job.

Well, you always let me run
the engine when I'm on the train.

Why couldn't you pay me for it?

You could have a day
off, and all I need is $15.

That's more than I get.

Well, I'd work for less.

Oh, we couldn't let you do that.

Why not? You let me.

Betty Jo, I just reckon

we couldn't pay
you to run the train.

Gosh, I'm never going
to get that motorbike.

Ah, sure, you will.

Well, I never did.

Oh, why don't you...?

Hey, where's my lunch pail?

Right there on that wood.

That's funny.

Charley, guess what I did.

What did you do?

Guess.

Did you throw my
lunch pail in the firebox?

Yes, I did.

Oh, of all the stupid...!

What you getting so mad about?

You're always complaining
you want a hot lunch.

Oh, Floyd!

Floyd!

Oh, hi, Betty Jo.

How are you, Mr. Drucker?

Fine.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

(sneezes)

You getting a cold, Betty Jo?

It's not me; it's him.

Oh, you getting a cold?

(sneezes)

It's the dust.

Oh.

Gets in his nose.

Yeah, I guess it is a
little dustier on the floor

than it would be up someplace.

There. That better?

(sneezes)

(sniffs)

There ain't no dust up here.

Well, there must be.

He's got a very sensitive nose.

Oh, well, I guess the
store does need dusting.

You got any idea
who could do it for me?

I could.

What kind of a deal did you
have in mind... cash or jellybeans?

Cash.

How much?

$15?

15 doll...?

Oh, I couldn't pay $15
if this was gold dust.

Oh, I didn't mean for just once.

I'd dust every week for a year.

One dusting usually
holds it for a year.

I'd be willing to go as
high as a dollar for that.

I need $15.

Hmm, Willie won't sell
for less than $15, huh?

Maybe without the tires,

but I've just got to find
some way of earning $15.

Mm-hmm.

You ever think
of taking out an ad

in the Hooterville
World Guardian?

No. How much would that cost?

One dollar... or one dusting.

(sneezes)

A dollar for dusting the lobby?

That's what Mr. Drucker paid me.

A whole dollar?

Well, he didn't pay me in cash.

If you eat all those jellybeans,
you're going to get sick.

Oh, no, I took out
an ad in the paper.

That's a waste of money.

Whoever reads that paper?

You're reading it.

Oh, that's just because I
ain't got nothing better to do.

(chuckles)

How about dusting the lobby?

I'd be glad to, Kate,

but I don't want to
take away Betty's job.

What'd you say in the ad?

Excuse me.

- Here it is.
- Ah, yes.

"Industrious, energetic
worker available."

Is this you?

Yeah.

Doesn't sound like you.

"Will tackle any job
for 50 cents an hour."

How come you're
charging me a dollar?

Well, you're my mother.

And that costs
me 50 cents extra?

It's a small price to
pay for motherhood.

(chuckles)

Did you get any
answers to the ad?

Oh, no, Mr. Drucker only
put the ad in the paper today.

Ah.

Well, the ad's only been
running three days, Betty Jo.

You can't expect
results overnight.

JOE: No surprise to
me nobody answered it.

Ain't got nothing
to attract attention.

It's in the middle
of the front page,

right under the
president's picture.

It could be under a picture

of Sophie Lawrence
in a bathing suit.

Nobody'd pay any attention
to it if it ain't got the right words.

Let's leave it up to
an impartial stranger.

Morning, Clara.

Morning, Joe.

Kate, how are you?

I'm fine, Clara.

Clara, as an impartial stranger,
have you read the classified ads

in this week's
Hooterville Guardian?

- No.
- See?

I didn't get the paper.

Well, here, have a free one.

CLARA: Why, thank you.

Read it.

When I get home.

Uh, would you
mind reading it now?

Uncle Joe's conducting a survey.

Oh.

No, no, rea-read the front page.

What do you notice?

Say, this fella's picture

over the classified
ad looks familiar.

Isn't that the president?

Never mind him.
Read the classified ad.

Ooh, I'd like to get in touch
with whoever put that in.

There's your answer.

See you on the train.

I really do need a babysitter.

What time should I be there?

Oh, Betty Jo, I'm afraid
you're a little too young.

I-I like to leave Archie with
someone who's a little older.

Well, I'm a lot
older than I look.

I'm old enough to get a
license to ride a motorbike.

I'm sorry, but, uh,
Lem is real strict

about who I leave Archie with.

But I'm very responsible.

Would you believe it?

I'm the only person Mr. Ziffel
leaves his pig Arnold with.

Betty Jo, babysitting a
pig and babysitting a baby

are two different things.

Well, Mom, Mr. Ziffel
thinks as much of Arnold

as Mrs. Begley does of Archie.

There's a little difference.

I sure wish you could
babysit with Archie

'cause Lem and I would
love to see that triple bill

they got down at
the Pixley Bijou.

Floyd and Charley went to
see it the other night at 6:30,

and they didn't
get out till 1:00,

and they only saw two pictures.

Oh, gosh, Mrs.
Begley, it'd be a shame

for you to miss
such a good show.

Would you let me sit with Archie

if I had someone with
me who was older?

I don't think Bobbie Jo
will go along with that.

I was thinking of you.

That'd be fine.

Now, wait a minute.

I've been
babysitting all my life,

and I'm not going
to do any more.

Not until you girls get married

and you start
yelling for Grandma.

Well, Mom, don't you
want me to earn the money?

Well, sure, but I don't want to
go all the way over to Clara's

and sit with you while
you sit with Archie.

Well, we could bring
Archie to the hotel,

and that wouldn't
inconvenience you at all.

Well, what do you
think, Mrs. Begley?

Fine, just as long as
your mother's there.

What do you say, Mom?

What I have to do
to get a motorbike.

Hi, Uncle Joe.

Who's that you got with you?

Archie.

(Joe chuckles)

You may be little and puny
now, but don't be discouraged.

In 39 years, you'll
be a man like me.

(crying)

(barking)

What is going on here?

Uncle Joe scared Archie.

I did not.

He's just showing off his lungs.

And you be quiet.

Here, give him to me.

Good, good.

(Archie stops
crying, Kate chuckles)

You know, I'll take him
upstairs now and put him down.

Oh, Mom, I'm supposed
to take care of him.

You know how?

Oh, sure, I raised him

- from a pup, didn't I?
- (barks)

Okay, here you are.

(Archie crying)

(barking)

- Shh.
- And you be quiet.

(crying and barking continue)

- Shh.
- (barking)

Oh, Mom, would you mind?

I thought you were
going to take care of him.

Well, well, just get him
quiet, and then I'll take over.

(dog barking, Archie crying)

(crying and barking stop)

Mom, will you hold Archie
while I get his stuff organized?

Sure.

(sighs) Get out of there.

Mom.

(chuckling): Come on, get out.

What's the matter with him?

Oh. I think he's jealous.

Well, here's your client.

(Archie crying)

Oh, no, he's your
responsibility.

I don't know how
to turn him off!

All right.

What's wrong with him?

Well, when a baby cries,
he's either hungry or, um...

Archie isn't hungry.

Get his talcum powder,

his safety pins and his
three-cornered bikini.

(Archie crying)

Betty Jo, the baby's crying!

Bobbie Jo?

Uncle Joe, the ba...
(crying continues)

Oh, well.

(crying)

(crying)

(crying)

Betty Jo? Betty Jo?

(Betty Jo sighs)

Well, where's the baby?

Well, Clara Begley
picked him up an hour ago,

and, uh, she left you this

for, uh, babysitting.

Oh, it's not my fault, Mom.

It-it's his fault.

He was supposed to wake me up.

What's gotten into you?

Don't you want me
to get that motorbike?

I can't take your
two dollars, Betty.

Why not?

Well, I had another
offer from Hank Kirby.

Well, you promised
to sell the bike to me.

Look, all I said was
that if I had another offer,

I'd let you know so's
you could meet it.

- How much is it?
- $14.50.

I offered you $15.

Yeah, but Hank... He
don't need one of the tires.

Oh, Willie, you got to
save the bike for me.

Well, Hank said he'd give
me the money in two days.

Well, I'll have it
for you in two days.

Well, if you do, it's yours,
and if you don't, it ain't.

Yeah, Mrs. Dawson, I'll ask her.

Ho-Hold on.

(motorbike engine revving)

(loud revving)

(volume increases)

- Betty Jo!
- (engine stops)

You don't have to
yell, Mr. Drucker.

I can hear you.

Betty Jo, Mrs. Dawson called...

(engine revving)

(engine sputters off)

Get this thing out of here.

Okay.

Oh, no, no. No, not here.

Walk it out.

Start it up on the
other side of town.

Yes, sir.

Of all the dang
blasted, noise-making...

I knew it was a mistake
for 'em to put a road in here.

If he ever gets
that thing started...

Mr. Drucker, what did you
want to talk to me about?

What did I want to talk to...?

Oh, Mrs. Dawson is on the phone.

Clara Begley told her

that you did such a good
job sitting with Archie

that she'd like
you to sit for her

for a couple of hours
tonight with her triplets.

You mean she'll pay me
50 cents an hour per kid?

Well, I guess so.

Gosh, that'll be three dollars,
and with the two I've got...

Oh, it isn't enough.

Oh. Well, I got a couple
of other sitting jobs for you,

but the trouble is,
they're all for tonight.

Too bad you ain't three people.

But I am three people.

Betty Jo, Bobbie
Jo and Mommy Jo.

Wouldn't it be easier to
cultivate a couple of boys

with transportation instead
of breaking your neck

trying to get a motorbike?

Please, I'm not
asking for advice.

I just want your help.

I've got to make
enough money tonight

to pay for that motorbike.

I was going to
do my hair tonight.

Well, you can take your
hair with you and do it.

I mean, you can do your hair

while the Clegg
kids are sleeping.

The Clegg kids?

There are only two of them.

I'm taking care of three.

I don't want a motorbike.

Please?

I've got to study.

Well, the Cleggs'
is the greatest place

in the world to study.

They got a hi-fi.

All right.

Thanks, Bobbie Jo.

I'll never forget this.

Don't worry. I won't let you.

(train whistle blowing)

(barking)

We know the train's in.

Now, get off of that table.

Instead of barking
useless information,

why don't you learn
to dry the dishes?

You ought to be arrested
for impersonating a dog.

I asked Floyd and Charley
to stop by and let me know

how Betty Jo is making
out with the Dawson triplets.

What are you worried about?

I raised three kids just
as easy as if I had one.

I know, Uncle Joe.

And if ever you run for Mother
of the Year, you'll get my vote.

BETTY JO: Mom?

Betty Jo.

I wonder what's wrong.

Conscience is
probably bothering her,

and she's coming
back to dry the dishes.

Betty Jo, what...?

Hi, Mom.

Hello there. We brought
you some company.

The Dawson boys.

Does... does Ella Dawson
know you have them?

Oh, she made me bring them.

Why?

When she found out Mrs.
Begley paid me 50 cents an hour,

including you, she
wanted the same deal.

Well, you take them back. I...

W-We're not running a
babysitting service here

for every Tom, d*ck and Harry.

Mom, Bobbie's helping me.

Why can't you?

All right, take them
up to my room.

But don't forget to
pull back the spread.

Don't look so unhappy, Mom.

You said yourself, three
children are just as easy

to take care of as one.

Mom, you said three
children were just as easy

to take care of as one.

We already have three upstairs.

Well, two more aren't going
to make that much difference.

But why did you bring them
here? Couldn't you handle them?

Of course, but it was
Mrs. Cleggs' understanding

that you were
going to supervise.

Who told her that?

Mrs. Dawson.

All right, take them upstairs

and put them in number three.

And be careful
of the stairs, huh?

Gee, thanks, Mom.

Oh, Susie, wait a minute.

I'm a little confused.

Uh, you're getting
65 cents an hour

to take care of
your baby brother?

That's right, Mrs. Bradley.

You see, Harold was going to
take me to the dance tonight.

But then he wasn't on
account of he had to work.

But now he is, 'cause he
doesn't. You understand?

Oh, perfectly. (laughs)

I've got three teenagers myself.

Um, Harold isn't
gonna work after all,

you want to go to
the dance, and, uh,

you want to leave Herbie here.

Yes.

He's cute, isn't he?

Cutest baby I've seen
in the last ten minutes.

(door opens)

Hey, Kate, where do
you want us to put these?

Who are they?

Well, those are
the Parker babies.

They're houseguests of Herbert.

See, I'm getting 75 cents
an hour from Mrs. Parker

for taking care of
Douglas and Gwendolyn.

But, Susie, there are
already five babies here.

Well, that's fine.

Then they won't get lonesome.

I'll sublet Herbie
and the Parker babies

to you for 50 cents an hour.

Lucky me.

Hey, these Parker
kids weigh heavy.

Yeah, well, put Douglas
in the Presidential Suite,

Gwendolyn in the Bridal Suite,
Herbie in the Governor's Suite,

and don't forget to
take the spreads off.

Don't worry, Susie.

We'll get you to
the dance in time.

Eight babies.

My, Ms. Bradley, you're due
for a lot of running around.

Betty Jo may be right.

A motorbike would come
in handy around here.

(dog barking)

Can't you see I'm getting
them young'uns fed?

(barking)

Feeding time for
the Dawson triplets.

(barking)

Not now. Babies first.

(babies crying)

(barking)

Listen to the Clegg twins.

They want their bottles again.

Good gosh, they've had
two bottles apiece already.

The way they drink, they
should join Milk Anonymous.

(barking)

Not now, boy. We're in a hurry.

(crying continues)

(whining)

Now, you're all talcumed-up

and ready for your bottle.

BOBBIE JO: Mom!

What is it, Bobbie Jo? I'm busy.

BOBBIE JO: Did you
take Herbie's bottle?

Why would I take
Herbie's bottle?

BOBBIE JO: Well, it's missing.

Oh, it can't be.

BETTY JO: Mom?

What is it, Betty Jo?

BETTY JO: They're gone!

What's gone?

BETTY JO: I went to
feed the Dawson triplets,

and when I came
back, they were gone.

The triplets are gone?

No, the bottles,
all three of them.

I don't understand it, Mom.

I was only out of the
room for a few minutes.

Oh, you girls.

When you're feeding babies,
you got to keep your mind on it.

One thing at a time.

Now, my bottles are...

My bottles are gone, too.

Come in the kitchen.

I'll show you
the guilty culprit.

How could you?

KATE: You ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

Taking milk from little babies!

If you wanted to take something,

why didn't you
take Willie's bike?

Save us all this
babysitting trouble.

Oh, thank goodness
they're all gone.

I don't want to see
those babies again

until they use talcum
powder after they shave.

I never worked
so hard in my life.

BETTY JO: Well,
it'll all be worth it

- when I bet my motorbike.
- (whining)

I made $11, and
I need four more.

- Let's see. That's...
- (dog whining)

That's one baby for eight hours,

or eight babies
for one hour, or...

Just a minute.

No more
babysitting. I've had it.

BOBBIE JO: So have I.

- (dog whining)
- BETTY JO: But, Mom,

we're so close.

If I don't get that
motorbike, I'll... I'll just die.

(knocking)

Who is it?

It's me, Mom.

Well, what on earth...?

I've been looking for the dog.

I can't find him
anywhere. He's gone.

Well, he's been out before.

But never this late.

I'm afraid something
terrible's happened to him.

Oh, now, Betty Jo.

What's the matter in here?

Can't a fella get any sleep?

Uncle Joe, the dog's gone.

I could have predicted it.

That dog's a prima donna.

Just because you chased
him out of the baby's crib,

then bawled him out because
he stole the babies' milk,

he runs off in
a fit of jealousy.

You know, you're
right, Uncle Joe.

We had been ignoring him.

That crummy dog don't
think of nobody but hisself.

(motorbike engine rumbling)

That sounds like
Willie's motorbike.

Well, what on earth
is it doing in the lobby?

(barking)

(barking continues)

Willie!

Willie!

Willie! Willie!

That's my carpet!

This is a hotel lobby, not
the Indianapolis Speedway.

Oh, boy, you're home.

You know what
that silly dog did?

Woke me up and
tugged me out to the bike

and herded me clear out here.

It's a wonder if the
bike even still runs

after bumping all
over those railroad ties.

Hmm.

Betty Jo, he wasn't
jealous after all.

He wanted you to
have your motorbike.

Oh, I'm sorry, Willie,

but I'm still
short four dollars.

Well, you know what, Betty?

That's a pretty smart
dog you got there.

I'd trade him to
you for the bike.

Oh, not on your life.

You sure got a kooky daughter.

Well, Willie,
motorbikes can be fun,

but, um, can they kiss
you on the face like that?

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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