04x23 - Inauguration

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Barney Miller". Aired: January 23, 1975 – May 20, 1982.*
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Takes place almost entirely within the confines of the detectives' squad room and Captain Barney Miller's adjoining office of New York City's fictional 12th Precinct, located in Manhattan's Greenwich Village.
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04x23 - Inauguration

Post by bunniefuu »

I'll get it.

12Th precinct. Captain
miller speaking.

Uh, no, ma'am,

We're not selling tickets
to the mayor's inauguration.

Uh, ma'am, it's a
public function.

All you have to do is
show up at city hall.

Uh... Yes, there should be
quite a large crowd, yes.

Uh... Yes, ma'am,

I would say that a blue
walking suit would appropriate.

You're quite welcome.

Crazy, huh?

I don't know.

I'd have to see
the shoes and bag.

Sergeant dietrich? Oh. Sir.

Here's the latest
batch of letters

Received by the mayor's office.

Fan mail?

We've got essays, proposals,

Threatening letters.

The vox populi.

Hmm?

Latin. It means
"voice of the people."

Catholic?

Crossword puzzles.

Oh.

Oh, we're looking for
similarities, patterns...

That sort of thing, sir.

Very good, levitt.

Standard procedure, sir.

Is that a new jacket?

Yes, sir, uh... I hope
it's appropriate.

Yeah.

Uh...

It's just that, i-i mean, I
hope you realize that, uh...

Even with harris on duty
with the mayor's office

And yemana out,
it's still temporary.

It could be just a few days.

I understand, sir,
but you never know.

I might need it someday in a
more permanent situation.

I see.

It's not like I'm gonna
grow out of it, sir.

Of course not.

Call, sir!

He's a gung ho
little devil, isn't he?

Okay, now, in here.
Right across the room.

Whew!

What do we got here?

This is allen korbel.

Mr. Korbel.

He's stoned out of his skull.

Hey!

Nice place!

Yeah, we like it.

How'd you get that rippling
effect with the walls?

He's got enough
grass to start a lawn.

Empty your pockets right here.

You talking to me?

I'm looking at you, ain't i?

Oh, yes.

Wow.

You can't be sure about
anything these days.

Where'd you get him?

He lives in the mayor's
apartment building.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We were just finishing up
our check of the residence.

He let me in and then
stood there, smoking a joint.

This stuff was all
over the coffee table.

Didn't try to hide
it or anything?

Nope. Tried to tell me it
was for medicinal purposes.

It is...

For my eyes.

Makes them feel real good, huh?

You said it.

I'm smoking on orders
from my ophthalmologist.

I got a prescription.

Glaucoma?

Yeah!

That's it.

There's a program sanctioned
by the federal government

To use marijuana in
glaucoma treatment.

It's supposed to relieve
the pressure on the eye.

Pbht!

Won't hurt to make a few
phone calls. Check it out.

Okay.

Hey, uh, korbel, you can stop
emptying your pockets now.

Hey, thanks.

I'm not familiar
with the procedure.

Have a seat.

Here's two more, both in crayon.

Yeah, this makes six.

"Winter of our discontent."

The beatles!

Shakespeare.

I thought so.

The paper type's consistent.

It's, uh... Not much to go on.

Handwriting could be the same.

Could be.

Same return address.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

Dramatic effect.

You and levitt check it out.

Levitt.

You and me.

Want me to drive?

Uh, no, I'd rather.

Oh.

I can't sit with the
seat up that far.

Sure. I understand.

I'll get it.

12Th precinct. Captain
miller speaking.

Uh... Yes.

Uh... Yes.

Wojo, put a trace on this. Yes.

Yes, I'm listening.

Well, if you feel
that way, mr., Uh...

This is detective
stanley wojciehowicz.

Mr. "X."

Well, mr. "X," i-i...

I'm sure you appreciate that
the, uh... Police department

Is not empowered to
halt the inauguration

Of the mayor of
the city of new york.

After all, he was
elected, uh... Due...

Yes, that's right.

Uh... Well, what is the
nature of "or else"?

Yeah, okay. We'll
try to keep him on.

Uh... I see.

Well, uh... Let's just discuss
the, uh... The possibilities.

I mean, the various...
Uh, no, no, no.

I-i-i... I'm not trying
to stall you.

It's just... Hello?

Hello?!

Forget it. He blew it.

I'm...

I mean, we blew it.

Yeah, uh, thanks.

Uh, barn? Uh...

It seems they do have a
marijuana treatment program

At that clinic.

Uh, but there's no one
there that had a patient list,

But a doctor's gonna
call me back in a while.

Mr. Korbel, I'm afraid

That we're gonna have
to hold you for a while,

At least until
this matter is, uh...

Mr. Korbel?

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to hold you for a while

Until this matter is cleared up.

That's all right.

I've got no place to go.

Do i?

Good morning, fellow
members of the executive branch.

Hey, harris.

Hey, harris.

Hey, how are you?

I take it all goes swimmingly

On the mayor's security detail?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, fine.

I really enjoy it.

Oh, barn, the, uh... Excitement,

The responsibility, the
proximity to power, it's...

Good.

And ed's really a
great guy to work for.

Ed?

Yeah, koch. The mayor.

I know who he is.

I just assumed you'd be
calling him "mr. Mayor."

Oh, no, no, no. He
wouldn't have it.

I mean, not in private, anyway.

Sort of like me.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, with the first names.

Oh. Yeah.

One tends not to notice
that down-to-earth quality

In a lesser title.

Would you like
some coffee, barn?

No, thank you.

And he calls you, uh... Oh! Ron.

Ron.

Say, ron... Uh, mr. Korbel.

I'm gonna have to
put you in the cage.

I got my rights.

Look, I'm a widow.

I get my husband's rights,
too, just like social security!

Take it easy. What have we got?

Captain miller, evelyn hawley.

- Ma'am.
- How do you do?

She's the perpetrator of the
alleged threatening letters.

She was writing a few
more when we got there.

Same skull-and-crossbones
stationary.

Oh, sure, I wrote them. So what?

My late husband was
a postman for 30 years.

He d*ed on his route.

Ma'am, you have a
right to use the mails,

But these letters are...

Threatening,
inflammatory, even obscene.

Did you read the one to
the sanitation department?

Mrs. Hawley, you want
to have a seat over there?

I'll be right with you.

Well, hurry up.

I got a dentist
appointment at 3:00.

We'll try.

Or is it my gynecologist?

What do you want to do?

I don't know. She
seems harmless enough.

Get the information
and turn her loose.

Right.

There you go.

You know, she reminds
me of my own grandmother.

Yeah.

Feisty, arrogant, opinionated.

Well, I guess most
of the socialists are.

Hi.

Harris: how are you?

Here.

Hey.

This is for wojciehowicz.
He's over there.

Oh. Okay.

Wojciehowicz. Here.

Zitelli!

Hey. Levitt.

Get over here!

What are you doing?!

Bringing up some mail.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

How are the detectives
supposed to know that?

How are they
supposed to know what?

Levitt: that you got mail.

If you're here for mail
call, you say, "mail call!"

Levitt?

Sir? Oh.

This is officer zitelli.

He'll be bringing up the mail

While I'm temporarily
reassigned.

He's new on the job, sir.

Go easy.

Anything for me?

Yes, sir. Mail.

Thank you, zitelli.

Yemana.

Oh, yemana.

Zitelli, first cardinal rule...

You don't let the
captain come to you.

You go to him.

You got off easy this time.

I didn't have a
chance. He came over.

You want to learn or not?

Yeah, I want to learn.

Give me this stuff.

Ohh. We got to talk
about sorting, zitelli.

Sit down.

Barn...

Some guy from the mayor's
office wants to talk to you.

I'll take it in my office.

Uh, barney... Maybe
that's for me now.

They said they'd call
back in about half an hour.

I'll let you know, harris,

And I'll give your
regards to ed.

Letter writing is a lost art.

I agree, but your letters
are all threatening.

How else are you gonna
stand out in the crowd?

And the skull and crossbones?

Eye-catcher, ain't it?

There's too much work
up here to stop and chat.

You put the mail down and out.

Don't bother them
with silly questions.

Okay.

Hey, I like the coat.

Comes with the territory.

Those things come
in normal sizes?

Don't do anything till
we get there, all right?

We'll be right over.

Barn...

Now the guy wants
to jump off a building

Into the inaugural crowd.

He says he's the people's
mayor of new york.

And he wants to make his
inaugural speech over the radio

Or else he jumps.

Get over there. Check it out.

Take levitt with you. And
have kogan send a backup.

Harris: uh, barney?

I'm gonna go back down on duty,

So I'll inform the
mayor's head of security.

Fine.

Oh, harris, by
the way, that, uh...

That phone call was for you.

Seems they want you to work
for the mayor permanently.

Yeah, I know.

I accepted.

Uh... You ready?

Let's roll.

Wojo call in yet?

Not yet.

Hmm. Let me know when he does.

And, listen, would
you put together a list

Of the tenants
in koch's building

That we haven't been
able to contact yet?

Right. Captain?

You want to get
it off your chest?

Get... Get what off my chest?

Harris... The bitterness,
the rejection.

Dietrich, I'm not
bitter about anything.

My mistake.

I mean, a man makes a decision,
I say, "more power to him."

Just because he doesn't choose

To discuss the
options beforehand...

That's his prerogative.

You cannot give
advice and counsel

To somebody who
doesn't ask for it.

Right.

But he should have asked.

Damn right, he should have.

Talk about your filthy places.

I'm gonna write a letter
to the health department.

I thought she'd gone.

She likes it here...
Unlike harris.

What's wrong with you?

I got a disease.

Haven't you ever
heard of self-restraint?

Mrs. Hawley, thank
you for coming by.

You've been very cooperative.

I'm old. I got no choice.

Wojo: okay, all right.
Come on in here.

You know what I am!

I am a political prisoner!

That's the truth. I am
a political prisoner!

I can't talk. I got a
dentist appointment.

My gynecologist is
friday. I'm sure of that now.

Okay, just hold still here, now.

The people know the truth.

Nixon tried to
hide it from them.

Johnson tried to
hide it from them,

But they found out!

That's right, they did.

There is a disease
in the body politic,

And someday everybody's
going to realize

That I have the cure!

Come on, sit.

Is that john lindsay?

What's the story?

Oh, this is noel cadey.

Hey, sit.

When we got there, he
was standing out on a ledge,

Screaming at everybody.

You have to scream at them,

Or they won't listen to you.

So, well, he looked
the other way,

And I got ahold of his leg

And just pulled him in
through the window.

I was downstairs
backing him up, sir.

Either way, we'd
have gotten him.

Doesn't matter anymore...

They heard me, and
they cheered me.

Now, you saw that.
You saw that, too!

They heard my words,
and they cheered me!

That's not true, sir.

They were cheering
for bess myerson.

What?

She was on the
podium, making a speech.

Oh.

- She still looks good, sir.
- Thank you, levitt.

Of course, we were
far away when...

I said, "thank you, levitt."

Wojo, you want to get the
information from mr. Cadey?

Yeah. Just sit there, mr. Cadey.

I suppose you people

Just don't believe
that I am the mayor.

Mr. Cadey, the new mayor
of the city of new york

Is edward koch.

Officially, yes,

But I'm talking about in
the hearts of the people.

Okay, so, let's sit down
and shut up now, all right?

They kept my name
off the ballots.

They challenged my signatures,

Claimed that my petition
had the names of dead people.

Is that right?

Well, if some of the people
who signed were dead,

That's not my fault.

Want me to call bellevue

And have an ambulance
sent over, sir?

You might as well.

Better get used to that.

What?

"Ambulance from bellevue."

I don't get your meaning.

We won't have harris'
euphemisms anymore.

You know, cookie
truck, twinkie mobile.

An astute observation,
dietrich, yeah.

I think my favorite was
the disoriented express.

Hello.

Come back to see how
the other half lives?

Pardon me?

Oh, I just figured things

Probably seem a little
dull here to you, you know,

After being at the,
uh, mayor's office.

Yeah, well, I just
came by for a minute.

I had to pick up some of
ed's suits from the cleaner.

Oh, yeah?

They give you dangerous
work like that all the time, huh?

Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

You don't detect nothing.

Wojo...

Can I see you in
my office, harris?

Barn, I got to get back.

This won't take but a minute.

Do you work for the
mayor edward koch?

I don't believe we've met.

How the people
could elect someone

Who refuses to take a stand

Is a sad commentary on
the politics of this country.

He's going to do just fine.

I don't know where he stands!

- Do you know where he stands?
- On what?!

On the panama canal!

He didn't mention
it once, did he?!

He sidestepped the issue

Throughout the whole
campaign, didn't he?!

He's got a point.

What the hell has
the panama canal

Got to do with new york city?!

Ha! Are you that naive?

Naive?!

Me?!

Harris, can I see you
in my office, please?

Certainly, barney.

You gonna put him up in
a suite at the hotel silly?

Harris!

Just like old times, huh?

Who is that?

Name's cadey. He
thinks he's mayor

Of the city of new york.

What's wrong with wojo?

Well, I would imagine
he's a bit injured.

Who injured him?!

Harris!

Harris, you work with people
for a long period of time,

You develop a
close relationship,

A sort of intimacy.

Yeah, but, barney, if it's
about my taking on a job

At the mayor's office...

It's not just a question
of that, harris. It's...

Well, we were kind of surprised.

I mean, one does not cast
aside old relationships

Without at least
a little discussion,

Maybe even a bit of advice.

Look, everything
happened so fast,

I didn't have a chance to
ask for anybody's opinion.

It was a decision that I felt

I had to make right
there on the spot.

And you had every right to.

I apologize.

Well, there's no
need to apologize.

- All right.
- But I accept...

On behalf of
everyone in the squad.

So, now what do I do?

About what?

I do not want that job.

You changing your mind?

Barney, I am a criminologist.

I ain't no redcap.

Ed's got me picking
up his cleaning.

Oh.

Yeah, he wants me to screen
his laundry for expl*sive devices.

Somebody's got to do it.

You mean, uh, socks, shorts?

No lie.

You find anything?

A marked propensity for argyle.

It's simple.

A 100% tax credit

On all funds used
to upgrade buildings

In certain designated
decaying neighborhoods.

This encourages
them to put the money

Back into those neighborhoods,

Giving them a tax relief,

Giving the builders a chance

To reap all the profits they can

On those upgraded structures,

But the people
get better housing.

I have to put you in
the cage now, mr. Cadey.

Thank you.

That's a normal
response to my proposals.

He's talking private enterprise.

He's nuts.

Hey! Hey, levit!!

I got a radio here!

Zitelli, what are you doing?

Bringing up the radio

So you can listen to the
mayor's inauguration speech.

Do you know anything
about the workload

And the constant pressure

Associated with the
detectives' squad room?

Well, yeah, I know that...

Did you think we have the time

To drop everything we're doing

To stop and listen
to the radio?!

No. I mean, I was
asked to come up...

There are not enough
hours in the day

To put a dent in our backlog,

Much less stopping and
listening to the radio!

Zitelli?

Sir, I got that
radio you asked for.

Oh.

Let's set it up somewhere, huh?

Oh, i...

All right, zitelli,
come on, come on.

What, are you gonna stand there?

Go set it up, hmm?

I'll, uh, I'll work
with him, sir.

Hey, uh, woj?

Yeah?

Can I ask you for
a little advice?

About what?

This job with the mayor.

A little late
for that, isn't it?

Look, man, would you
give me a chance to explain?

What's to explain, harris?
I mean, you took the job.

There you go.

You jump to conclusions
all over the place.

Man, I wasn't gonna
even ask you about that.

What were you
gonna ask me about?

Well, I was gonna
ask your advice

Because I decided not to
take the job with the mayor.

You even decided that already.

Hey, look, man, you want to
be in on this decision or not?!

Okay, doc.

Captain, that was the
doctor on the phone.

Seems that korbel's part

Of an authorized marijuana
outpatient treatment.

Hmm. Okay, turn him loose.

Better have somebody
drive him home.

I don't want to see him get
mugged in the park by some punk.

Anybody can get mugged.

Might as well enjoy it.

Mr. Korbel, you're going home.

Koch: I know that the
people of new york

Have not forgotten
how a city really works.

They've forgotten!

They blew it a long time ago!

I got to go now.

Sure, they'll let you out.

But what are you getting out to?

A city that's decaying
and rotting away!

I don't agree.

This is a fine
city, and I like it.

You got a good
attitude, mr. Korbel.

Sure, I do.

I got no choice.

Today, yes, today,
we begin a new year

And a new administration.

The mistakes of
the past are past.

This is a new beginning.

We have been tested,

And the testing will continue.

But we have survived,

And soon we will
begin again to flourish.

Good luck, ed.

Good luck to you.

Yeah, good luck, barn.

Good luck to all of us.

Yeah.

Good luck, everybody.

Good luck, mr. Korbel.

You ready?

Yeah.

Good luck.

Good luck to you.

Good luck, captain.

Yeah, good luck, levitt.

Hey, levitt, good luck.

Yeah, good luck, zitelli.

Good luck, harris.
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