04x22 - Love in a Funny Phase

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Benson". Aired: September 13, 1979 – April 19, 1986.*
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Spin off from Soap - Benson DuBois is hired to be the head of household affairs for widowed Governor Eugene X. Gatling and his daughter Katie.
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04x22 - Love in a Funny Phase

Post by bunniefuu »

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Miss Kraus, Lord Barkdale was
not finished with that soup.

Yar? Well tell him to put it
where the shoes get shined.

He was insulting my soup.

He wasn't insulting your soup,
I was insulting your soup.

He was fishing
for his monocle.

Well, I've had it with
these sit-down dinners.

The next time the Governor
wants to entertain someone

he can take them
out to dinner.

Oh, pew.

Here.
Don't give it to me.

Clean it off, send it
back to the table.

Oh.

Oh, Benson, what am
I going to do about him?

Does this have anything
to do with Pete?
Oh.

DOWNEY: Denise!

What a silly question.

Denise, I wasn't flirting with
old man Barkdale's daughter.

You were holding her hand.

No! We weren't holding hands,
Cecily was reading my palm.

(HIGH PITCHED CRYING)
Cecily!

See? Denise isn't having
any fun with those
Barkdales either.

Miss Kraus!

Lord Barkdale
wants his monocle.

You just made me
drop his monocle!

Oh, no! Find it!

Lord Barkdale's
in a foul mood already.

This dinner is a disaster.

BENSON: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Just relax a minute.

Here it is.
Oh, good.

Most of it, anyway.

All right,
let's remain calm.

Everybody down
on their hands and knees.

I don't think praying's
gonna help.

Benson!

I'm looking for Denise.
She seemed upset.

She went that way, Jennifer.
Oh, thanks.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Benson, Lord Barkdale's
boring me to tears.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

What was that?

I think you just found
Lord Barkdale's monocle.

Oh, you stepped on it.

You stepped on it.
How could you do
such a stupid thing?

You talking to me, Clayton?

It was a rhetorical
question, sir.

I'll get a dustpan.

Lord Barkdale's
gonna be furious.

Now, perhaps if I give him
some more wine,

he will forget about
his monocle.

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

I love it when
Clayton panics.

Benson, could you
explain this to me?

I can, sir,
but I prefer not to.

Pete!

Can I speak to you?

Oh, brother.

Sure, hon.

Daddy, is Lady Barkdale
in here?
No, honey.

Then I think she's lost.

Oh, nuts!

Isn't this fun?

(CHUCKLES)
You're kidding, right?

Yeah. Look, I'll make
this up to you.

Saturday night, I'll take
you someplace special.

Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.

Do you mind if we skip
Saturday night?

Why?

Well, a friend of mine from
school is coming into town,

and I thought we could
spend some time together.
Well, she can come with us.

Well, it's not a she.

What is it?

Benson, sweetheart, don't
get that look on your face.

I'm not getting any look
on my face.

Oh, let's talk about
this later, honey.

Denise?
Is everything all right?

Oh, yes.
Thanks, Jennifer.

(AWKWARD CHUCKLE)

I kind of would like
to talk about it now.

Right now?

You're standing right
in the glass, dodo!

Lady Barkdale.

Are we going to eat?

This ought to keep the
old coot from worrying
about his monocle.

He's...ah ha-ha,
Lady Barktop, uh, Barnyard...

Barkdale.

Uh, Barkdale,
please take a seat.

I must have
something to eat.

I think I've drunk too much.

I was just about
to serve the ham.

Is there anybody else
I should know about?

Benson, please.
You're embarrassing me.

Could someone point
me to the loo?

Where is everybody? Oh!

Oh!

I don't seem to have
any silverware.

Okay, now everybody's
embarrassed.

Can we talk?

How many times do I
have to tell you, Benson?

Wes is just an old
friend from school.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

A dog can qualify
as an old friend,

or maybe the mailman.

But as I understand the term,

a guy whose ring you wore
for and a half months

and who took you to the prom

cannot qualify
as simply an old friend.

Well, then what
would you call it?

A previous
romantic entanglement.

Oh, Benson.

It's been years
since Wes and I dated.

I told you I don't want
to hear his name.

Wesley, Wesley,
Wesley, Wesley!

Okay.
Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should
discuss this rationally.

I tell you what.

I suggest you go home,
get a good night's sleep,

call me in the morning,

and tell me you have
no plans to see this guy.

Benson.

End of discussion.

Now, wait a minute.

You can't tell me what to do.

I'm a free
independent woman.

Fine, start a magazine.

I'm seeing Wes on Saturday.

Okay.

Where are y'all going?

I don't know.

To have a drink,

to Smitty's probably for
dinner, and that's it.

You're gonna leave him
at Smitty's?

No, I'll probably drive
him back to his hotel.

Why can't he take a cab?

Benson, what do you
think is gonna happen?

Nothing if he takes a cab.

I didn't know your opinion
of me was so low.

Oh, come on.
Simmer down, Jennifer.

I didn't mean that.
I'm just a little upset.

I apologize, sweetheart.

Oh, Benson, if you were
gonna see an old girlfriend,

would you want me to act
the way you are?

(SAPPY VOICE)
You would if you loved me.

I do love you.

I really do.

Can I go with youse?
No!

Jennifer, I thought you and
I had an understanding.

A-ha.
What kind of understanding?

Well, you know,
about our relationship.

Exactly what is
this relationship?

You know.

Are we engaged?

No.

Going steady?
Oh, Jennifer...

Well, then maybe you
can just explain

this understanding to me.

Well, I thought you just
understood that you're my...

Woman.

You know something,
Benson?

You been listening to too
many Barry White albums.

So, despite what I think,

you're gonna go ahead
and see this clown.

(SIGHS)
Yes, I am.

Eh.

Oh, Benson, don't worry.
Nothing's gonna happen.

I ain't worried.

Oh, listen.

I have an early appointment
in the morning,

so I got to get going,
sweetheart.

Okay.

Sweet dreams.
Drive safely.

Will you call me
on Sunday?

Unless an old friend
happens to come into town.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I see.

Well, I guess I'll just
have to wait and see.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Good night.
Good night.

What's she got
against Barry White?

Are you ready to order, sir?

I beg your pardon?

Are you ready to order?

Oh, yeah, I'll have
another one of these.

Another glass of water?

Oh, well, I'm expecting
some friends.

Oh, very good, sir.
I'll tell the maitre d'.

What are their names?

Well, uh,
it's kind of a surprise.

Would you care for
an appetizer while
you're waiting?

A what?
(SLOWLY) An appetizer.

Oh, yeah.

Give me an order of, uh,
um, uh, uh...toast.

Toast.

Thank you.

I forgot to ask you, sir.
How do you want your toast?

Medium.

Dry or with butter?
With butter.

Currant jam or marmalade?

Currant jam or marmalade.
Surprise me.

Wesley! Over here!
Jennifer!

Oh, hi!

Oh!

Good to see you.

Yes. Let me take
a look at you.

You look wonderful.

Well, you look
pretty wonderful yourself.

Oh, Wesley!

Come on.
Let's sit down, talk.

I can't believe
it's been years.

Mmm-hmm.

And you look just as good as
you did on graduation night.

(MUMBLING)
She's not gonna buy that.

Wesley, if you're
trying to sweet-talk me,

it's working.

She bought it.

So, what are you doing
these days?

Probably something
very dull.

I'm still a test pilot.

But I've just been accepted
in the astronaut program.

I'm hoping
to go to the moon.

You have my permission
to leave immediately.

And here's your toast, sir.

Uh, just a minute.

Is there a way
out of this restaurant?

What about your friends?

That's none of
your business.

Is there a way out?

Well, sir, we usually
use the front door.

I know that, Antoine.

Is there a back door?

No, sir.

You mean the only way out
is in that direction?

Unless you can
pass through a wall.

How would you like to pass
through my napkin ring?

Enjoy your toast.
Thank you.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, Pete,
what are you doing here?

You're just in time.

Benson!

Well, well, well,
look, it's Jennifer!

I'll be darned!

I'll be a sun of a g*n.

Pete was just joining
me for dinner.

I am?

Yes, yes.
Come right around.

You remember Jennifer.

And this is, uh...

Wesley.
Wesley.

You know, I've heard
so much about you.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm having dinner
with Pete.

Sit down, Pete.

I ordered the toast already.

There.

Can I speak to you a moment?

You don't mind,
do you, Wes?

No, no problem.

What a guy.

Excuse me.

Now, don't you feel
a little bit silly?

Why should I feel silly?

Because you knew Wesley and
I were coming here tonight.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

You see, I wanted to try
to make it up to you,
buy you guys dinner.

No.

Well, let's ask Wes.

Benson.

Now, I can go out with
whomever I want,
whenever I want.

And you have nothing
to say about it.

Yeah...
(SHOUTS) Nothing!

This doesn't concern you all.

Well, him, maybe.

Benson, now, either you
trust me or you don't.

And if you don't, then we
don't have a relationship,

and there's no need
for you to be jealous.

But if you do, then
you'll leave this
restaurant right now

and stop embarrassing me
in front of my friend.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, well,
keep 'em flying, ace.

Enjoy yourself, Pete.

Yep.

Governor, lunch.
Time for your lesson.

I'll be right with
you, Clayton.

If you're studying eating,
you'd be better off with Pete.

Well, I let my
driver's license expire.

I'm studying for the test.

I told him all he has to do

is call the department
of motor vehicles.

They'll issue him a new one.
After all, he is the Governor.

Clayton,
that wouldn't be fair.

Oh, please.
This is the real world.

Your continual cynicism
is beginning to irritate me.

Beginning?

Anybody home?

Come on in, Jennifer.

Oh, hi, Jennifer.
You look terrific.

Thank you. You keep
that up, and I may vote
for you next time.

You're too late.
I can't run again.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Governor, I hate to interrupt
this hilarious repartee,

but I just can't
wait to quiz you

on all these little
driving questions.

I'm not all that fond
of sarcasm, either, Clayton.

Goodbye, Jennifer.

Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you, too.

Left turn!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I'm glad you dropped
by, sweetheart.

I owe you an apology.

Thank you.
Do you have
time for lunch?

Well, I'm a little
backed up here.

But I guess I can
take an hour.

Good, because I think
we need to talk.

Listen, I understand
about you and Wes.

You were right,
and I was wrong.

He seems like
a nice enough guy.

He is.

What'd you two talk about?

Oh, I'll tell you at lunch.

What's the big secret?
Tell me now.

Well, I'd rather just wait
until lunch, Benson.

Come on, sweetheart,
tell me now.

He asked me to marry him.

Heck of a thing to tell
a guy just before lunch.

Are you ready to or...

Oh, it's you again.

I'll have a cobb salad
and a glass of iced tea.

And for you, sir?

Nothing for me.

Are you sure?

We have a excellent batch
of toast today.

Antoine, I'm trying to have
a conversation here.

Nothing.

Okay, give me a cheeseburger.

Okay.

And how would you
like that, medium or...

I'll surprise you.

Benson, try to understand.

Listen to me.
I want a family.

I want to be married.

And you think I don't?

But you never mentioned it.
Do you?

That's not the subject
under discussion
at the moment.

Then what is the subject
under discussion?

The subject is whether
you're going to marry
a total stranger.

Benson,
he's not a stranger.

I would hardly call years
between dates a relationship.

Benson, he asked me
to marry him.

I know that, Jennifer.

You don't have to keep
rubbing my nose in it.

Well, do you know
what it means to me?

Yes, it means now you've got
leverage against the guy

you really want
to get married to.

Oh. You think
this is a trick.

Come on, Jennifer, this guy
doesn't mean zip to you.

Now, don't tell
me how I feel.

Then I'll tell
you how I feel.

Trapped.

Well, I wouldn't want to
be responsible for that,

so I'll just set you free.

From now on,
you're as free as a bird.

Goodbye, Mr. Bird.

Come on. Good gracious.

Very good, Governor!

Yes.

Now, two cars reach an
intersection at the same time.

What happens?

They crash.

Oh, Denise.

It's a good thing you already
have a driver's license.

Governor?

The car on the
right goes first.

Right!
You know all this stuff.

Governor, when are you
gonna practice the
driving part of the test?

I've been practicing
in my office all afternoon.

All I do is sit down and
pretend I'm driving my chair.

I don't understand.

Here, get in the car.

What?
Get in the backseat.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

See?

Right turn.

Yeah. Okay.

Parallel...

Parking.

Governor,
what are you doing?

We are now heading
toward the highway.

Getting up into
some speed here.

Got to check the traffic
as we merge.

Now we got to pick up
a little more speed.

Ah, we're going along
at a pretty good clip.

(SCREAMS)

That was close.

Benson,
you were jaywalking.

Benson, you dummy,

why don't you look
where you're going?

Sorry.

Didn't you hear me?
I called you a dummy.

Thanks a lot, Kraus.

What's with him?

Uh, Benson...

How are things?

No, thank you, Governor.
I already got a cup.

Back to the grindstone.

He's off the deep end.

He's been acting that way ever
since he got back from lunch.

I think it has something
to do with Jennifer.

A-ha, woman trouble.

Well, I better go
talk to him.

Not that I'm any great
authority on women,

but then, who is?

Oh, Benson?

Hi, Governor.

You and Jennifer
have a fight?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Well, not exactly a fight.

Let's say negotiations
have broken down.

Well, if you'd like
to talk about it,
I'm willing to listen.

No, that's okay, sir.

You want me to stay?

I'm not ready for marriage.

I just meant
for a little while.

She knows that.

Oh, I see.

She wants to get married,
and you don't.

It's not that
I don't want to.

It's just marriage could
ruin a perfectly
wonderful relationship.

Oh, I've seen that happen.

The way things are now,
she always sees me at my best.

There are things about
me she may not like.

Oh, I doubt that.

For instance, I don't like
for anybody to talk to me

while I'm watching
a ball game on TV.

Oh, I'm like that, too.

And on Sunday, I may wear
my pajamas all day long.

I do that.

I like to mush
my soft-boiled eggs

with my toast and ketchup.

Ew.

That must look horrible.

Tastes good.

Well, I bet
it looks horrible.

The point is, sir,
if Jennifer and I get married,

she'll find out
about all these things,

and then she'll want
to change them.

And that could to fights
and arguments

and separation, divorce.

I don't have to tell you
I'm a very busy man.

And the last thing I have time
for in my life right now

is a messy divorce.

Benson, when two people
get married,

it's for better
or for worse.

And believe me, most of
the time, it's for the better.

Well, I agree with you
intellectually,

but I can't buy it
in the pit of my stomach.

Well, think about it, anyway.

Oh, Benson,
one other thing.

I'd warn Jennifer about
that egg-and-ketchup glop.

That sounds horrible.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Did you want to...
Come in?

I love you, Benson.

I love you.

In that case, I think
you should definitely come in.

Did you want to talk
or something?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Benson,
I can't marry Wesley.

Why not?

I love another man.

Another one?

You, silly.
Oh, I love you.

I love you, too,
but I'm a little confused.

What happened
to the astronaut?

You should be thankful
he came to town.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't give
him a ticker-tape parade.

Well, maybe you should.

After all,
if it hadn't been for Wesley,

you wouldn't
have acted a fool,

and I wouldn't have known
how much you love me.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, who cares
if it makes sense?

We're in love.
We don't have to make sense.

I heard that.

You know what I think?
What?

I think that you should take
me someplace wonderful

so we can celebrate.

All right,
let me get my coat.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

If I were to ask you
to get married,

you'd probably
say yes, right?

Well, you'll have to ask
me to find out.

But you would say yes.
Are you asking me?

No, no, no, no,
not right now, no.

Now's not the time.
I'm just curious, that's all.

I probably will ask you
sometime in the future.

Uh-huh, well,
then you'll get your answer

sometime in the future.

I'm in no hurry.

Me neither.

I mean, now that we have
this understanding.

You know, there's just
one thing wrong with this.

What?

Why are we going out
to celebrate?

I'll pass the test next time.

Why aren't you talking to me?

I'm still hoarse
from screaming.

Something go wrong with
the driving test?

I flunked parallel parking.

He not only flunked parallel
parking, he made a mockery
of parallel parking.

He didn't do that well
at backing up either.

I backed that limo
up perfectly straight.

At well over mph.

You took the test in the limo?

It's why I flunked
parallel parking.

Are you going to take
the test again?

No, why should I?
I'm the Governor.

That's my signature
on all those licenses
you know.

Oh I remember when I got my
first driver's license.

I was years old.

, huh?

I guess the test was
easier back then, huh?

Why would you say that?

Well all you had to know was
"Whoa" and "Giddy up".
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