01x04 - Divorce Party

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Platonic". Aired: May 24, 2023 – present.*
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A duo's friendship becomes more consuming-and destabilizes their lives in a hilarious way.
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01x04 - Divorce Party

Post by bunniefuu »

["DON'T TRUST ME" PLAYING]

- Welcome to my humble abode. [CHUCKLES]
- Wow. Really nice.

- Come in.
- Cool. Thank you.

We have leftovers if you're hungry.

Ooh, some hash browns. Nice.

- [ROOMMATE CHEWS]
- [BOTH MOAN]

- Oh, f*ck!
- Oh, my God.

- I thought that was my uncle for a second.
- You must have a hot uncle.

- [CHUCKLES] Um, I'm Will.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm Maddie. Hi.

Um...

- Let's go to my room.
- Yeah.

[WILL'S DATE SIGHS]

[WILL BREATHES HEAVILY]

Nice room.

Is this... Is this okay?
Should we keep doing this?

It's fine. I closed the door.

[MOANS]

[WILL MOANS, PANTS]

Do I have formal consent to engage

- in sexual fornications with you?
- [CHUCKLES]

- It's fine. Thank you.
- Great. Thank you.

- [BOTH MOANING]
- ["SUCCESSION" THEME SONG PLAYS]

Hey! I thought you were gonna
watch the finale with me.

[MADDIE] Oh, my God. Come watch.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something important.

Oh, my God. Riley is
texting about it right now.

- Okay.
- Uh, why don't you guys just watch it?

- It's fine. It's totally cool.
- No! Come on.

- [WILL] I'll come back another time.
- You'll spoil it. Stop, Riley.

- What the f*ck? You were supposed to wait.
- I'm sorry.

- That's such a cute bra.
- [SIGHS] Thank you.

- Your boobs look amazing.
- Really?

Yeah. I got your favorite kind.

- [CHEWS] Mmm. Mmm.
- The coconut oil, it tastes like butter.

- Is the rest of the season...
- Bye.

- Bye. Nice meeting you.
- Bye. You too.

- It was nice to meet you.
- Yeah. Enjoy.

- [WILL'S DATE] Love your shirt.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES] Have a good one.

[BREATHES DEEPLY, BLOWS]

[SIGHS]

Okay. So what exactly
is gonna happen here?

I've never been to a divorce party.

One of the moms in Frances's baby
group had one, like, three years ago,

and we all had to give
an impromptu speech

- to lift up the woman who got divorced.
- [SIGHS] Jesus Christ.

- I hate public speaking.
- I know. Me too.

That's why I came up
with something this time.

What? You didn't tell me I was
supposed to write something.

It's okay. I'm gonna pretend
I'd, like, make it up on the spot.

I'm gonna say, like, you know,

"Throughout our lifetime,

we will be lost and found, lost
and found hundreds of times.

But it's just a moment and it'll pass,

and what's important is that
we're all there for each other."

Yeah. That's suitable for Christine

and her New Age California
hippie green juice bullshit.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- [SYLVIA] You have crystals.
- [KATIE] Yeah. There's no downside.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Ladies. Ladi...

- Oh, hi! Just in time.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- [HOST] Everybody have a seat.

Um, first of all, I want to
thank everybody for being here

and coming to help support Christine

through this very challenging
chapter of her life.

And we're going to do a
support circle right now

where we say uplifting and
nurturing things to Christine.

Who'd like to get us started?

[LIQUID POURING]

[HOST] Katie, how about you?

- Me first?
- Yeah.

Um, okay.

Uh. Yeah, of course. [SIGHS]

Christine, I... [STAMMERS]

Throughout your lifetime,
you're gonna be lost and found...

hundreds of times.

Lost and found.

We all will be.

[STAMMERS] This is... This is
just a moment that will pass.

But what is important is that
we are all here for each other.

- [GUESTS CLAPPING]
- [HOST] Oh, my God.

That was a beautiful way
to get us started, Katie.

- Thank you.
- Katie, come here. [CHUCKLES]

- [CHRISTINE] That was so special.
- [KATIE] It was, uh, from the heart.

[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.

Sylvia, you want to go next?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's a hard act to follow.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, thanks.

My parents got divorced,

and it was the best thing
that ever happened to my dad.

He just flourished.

He joined a yachting club,
and he wrote a memoir.

He opened a restaurant at one point.

He-He climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

And h-he just... He lived till ,
and he lived life to the fullest.

And so will you, Christine.

- [GUESTS CLAPPING]
- [HOST] "So will you."

- Thank you.
- How inspiring is that?

And what happened to your mom?

[INHALES SHARPLY] She's a disaster.

That was terrible.

She didn't... She didn't recover.

Um, but she's alive.

Yeah. If you can... If
you can call it that.

I have always loved Sylvia's spiciness.

But she ate a speech.

Well, we've been
married a very long time.

She is full of surprises.
Keeps life interesting.

Sylvia is clearly going through
some sort of midlife crisis.

You know, with work and the
mommy track, blah, blah, blah.

Better eating a speech
than getting a back tattoo

or Eat, Pray, Love'ing.

So, I have a plan.

I called Kirk Friedkin over at Tobey
because I heard they're expanding

their M&A department.

And it turns out they are hiring.

- I would just say...
- Yeah?

... that, whatever
you do to get involved

in her work life, you keep it casual.

Yeah. I'm just trying to help.

I'm just saying that sometimes you can

be kind of intense about these things.

What do you mean?

Your hands are literally
in fists right now.

My wife ate my boss's speech like a dog.

Of course I am stressed.

Yes, Charlie. And if
you want to help Sylvia,

give her Kirk's card
and let her do with it

- what she wants to do with it.
- Yeah.

Just be chill.

Try to pretend to be chill.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I can do that %.

- Yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.

- [STEWART] But maybe don't be %.
- Hmm?

- Maybe be %.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe just, "Hey, babe, here's
the card. I gotta go chill."

- Do you see what I'm doing there?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Give her the card and then
step back, like a chill guy.

- Totally agree.
- [CELL PHONE DINGING]

Ooh! Quiznos for lunch.

Yes! Yes!

Okay, Frances, can we
set the table, please?

- [FRANCES] Mm-hmm.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- [CHARLIE] Hi! Hi.
- [SYLVIA] Oh, hi!

Hey. Hey, why aren't there
any dino nuggets left?

What's the point of having a shopping

list if no one puts anything on it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I finished them.

You ate those things?
They're disgusting.

They're made from,
like, chickens' beaks.

They're made from chickens' beaks?

No, no. I'm... I'm just kidding.

Why do you give them to the kids?

Because they just eat them
and I'm too tired to argue.

Hi.

[INHALES DEEPLY] So, uh, vis-à-vis

what we were discussing the
other day at the partners retreat,

I have something for you.

Yes. What's this? "Kirk Friedkin" of

"Tobey, Friedkin, Kwong and Zelman."

- What's this?
- Kirk Friedkin. He's a guy I know.

Who's Kirk Friedkin? What
are you guys talking about?

- He is a lawyer.
- Yes. I gathered that from context.

Okay. So I was talking to him today,

and he mentioned they're
expanding their M&A department.

And he said to give him a call.

Oh. I didn't ask you to do that.

Oh, no. I know. I-I-I
know Kirk. We go way back.

- Okay. Well, I'm not your charity case.
- [SIGHS]

What's a charity case?

That's not what's going on.
I'm doing him a favor, not you.

Oh. Does he know that I
haven't practiced for years?

- He does.
- [SIMON] What's a charity case?

Does he know I can only work
between the hours of : and :?

- Yes. He was cool with that.
- [SIMON] What's a charity case?

Does he know that I
am a terrible lawyer?

- I kept that part under wraps.
- What's a charity case?

It's when you do someone a
favor because you pity them.

[SYLVIA] Frances, please
can you set the table?

- [FRANCES] I'm doing it!
- I'm sorry, are you mad about this?

Mad? No, no. I'm grateful.

- That's nice of him. I'm surprised.
- [SIMON] Why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird. I'm
just listening to Dad.

So when should I call him?
In a week or something?

- [CHARLIE] No, call him now.
- Yeah, now.

- I'll call him now. It's a good time.
- Okay. Well, call him whenever.

You have his card now, so
whatever you want to do,

that is... That's swell. Hi.

[KETCHUP SQUIRTING]

Hi, this is Sylvia Greeves.
I was just referring... No.

Hi. This is Sylvia Greeves.

I was just calling in
regards to... myself.

Mr. Friedkin. Sylvia
Greeves. Yes, attorney at law.

When have I ever said
that? When has anyone...

Has anyone ever said that?

You can do this. So...

[LINE RINGING]

- [WILL] Yo.
- What's up, dawg? You free?

Who announces that they're
moving in together on Instagram?

How f*cking lame is that, right?

- It's tacky.
- Oh. It's thirsty is what it is.

Like, who f*cking cares?

Ooh, you moved in together.
Congratu-f*cking-lations.

You post about it? You
f*cking post about it?

- On the grid?
- On the grid!

- On the grid!
- Put that sh*t on your stories.

- [SYLVIA] I know. You don't go grid.
- Right?

- You don't go grid with that.
- No.

That... That, not for the grid.

Why don't you post on your grid sh*t

that actually people give a f*ck about?

Engagement. Graduation. Baby.

- Old dog birthday.
- Right? [STAMMERS]

That I wanna see.

- Death. The big...
- [WILL] Give me...

- Tell me your grandma d*ed.
- The big ones!

- Activism.
- You're at a march!

- Pink hats!
- Post if you're storming the Capitol.

Then we can arrest you and
probably not charge you.

- That's what I wanna see.
- That's the good stuff.

Moving in with someone,
not an accomplishment.

- [SYLVIA] Not an accomplishment.
- You've done nothing.

- [SYLVIA] The toothbrushes.
- Two toothbrushes in a cup?

- That's lame.
- Who f*cking cares about that?

Such a reach.

Or unless if she's
moving into a new house,

which I would wanna see just
'cause Audrey's got such good taste.

- You know?
- Hey.

[SHOUTS] Why?

Thought you would catch it.

[STAMMERS] You know
I'm not good at sport.

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

How are you, buddy?

I just feel like she did
that, like, to me, you know?

Like, she knows I'm
active on social media.

You know what could help?

If I threw you a divorce
party. Could be really fun.

- What is that? Is that a thing?
- It's a thing. I've been to a few.

I just went... I
literally just went to one.

It's a bunch of friends getting together

and helping you feel
better and find closure.

I'm trying to think of a sarcastic
thing to say about that, but hon...

it sounds quite nice.

It sounds like I cou... [INHALES
DEEPLY] I could maybe use that.

Right? I'll organize it.

You don't have to worry
about it. It'll be fun.

I... I just don't wanna be, like,
dwelling on the past, you know?

I want it to be... [INHALES SHARPLY]

I'm very future-oriented right now.
I want it to be about the future.

[ROBOTIC VOICE] To the future.

Okay. Not, like, a future with robots

and spaceships and sh*t like that.
Like the immediate future, okay?

Affirmative.

Don't show up dressed like a robot.

- I'll take care of it.
- [CHUCKLING]

I'll organize a really good party

- with all your weird friends.
- [LAUGHING]

[SYLVIA IN NORMAL VOICE] Why is
the Plasma bike in the bathroom?

Why is the anything in the anywhere?

Wow! Jessipa poops so
much for someone her size.

- Oh, you look nice.
- Oh, thank you.

Ow!

This house is too small.

Yeah. Has anything come
on the market this week?

Nothing we can afford.

Is the, uh...

Yeah, yeah. The nursing
home's still available,

but Will said that construction
would be really long and expensive.

Yeah.

He knows a bit about it. You
know, he's renovated a lot of bars.

Yeah. No, I know. I just feel like

that's a decision you and I should make,

not you and Will. [INHALES DEEPLY]

Yeah, noted.

- So, how'd it go with Kirk?
- Who?

Kirk Friedkin, the lawyer
friend you were gonna call.

Yeah. Oh. That Kirk
Friedkin. [CHUCKLING]

You said you were gonna call him.

Hmm?

- Kirk. You were gonna call him.
- Yes. I know. I'm on to it.

- You didn't call him.
- Well, I...

You just gave me his
number, so I'm... I'm going to.

Just give me a minute.
I'm... I'm working on it.

You're working on making a call?

Babe, why are you
hassling me about this?

I asked you if you called the
person. It's... [SIGHS] Whatever.

- And I will.
- Okay.

Where are you going again tonight?

Uh, it's, uh, Will's divorce party.

Yeah. He's really going through it.

You know that Audrey's already
moved in with her new boyfriend?

I can't imagine.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- So tacky.
- Well, have fun.

- All right.
- Bye.

- Do you wanna... Okay.
- Ye... [SHOUTS]

- Bye.
- Bye.

["THE FLOOR IS LAVA" PLAYING]

- Yo. So, what are we doing here again?
- We're celebrating me.

So, it's like a birthday
party but not on your birthday?

It's a divorce party. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] That's not a
thing. But I do like partying.

- [WILL] Hey.
- Hi.

What's, uh... What's
going on? [CHUCKLES]

What? Oh. I just, uh... I just saw one

of the moms from school at the valet.

You owe her money or something?

No, I just... I owe her
a phone call and I just...

[SIGHS] I can't be
bothered to deal. [CHUCKLES]

Wassup?

Thanks for the invite, Omar.

Big Willy, congrats on the divorce.

The bottle of Cristal is on
me tonight. You're welcome.

You're gonna get one
bottle for the whole table?

Yes, and I'm paying. You're welcome.

Who are these guys?

Oh, these guys?

My frat bros. You're gonna love 'em.

Hamza, speak.

Why the f*ck did you invite him, man?

I didn't want it to be
awkward at work tomorrow.

Sylvia. I thought that was you,
but I... I didn't see Charlie.

Oh.

Did you get my message
about the music lesson?

I did. I did get your message.

I will call you back. I'm so sorry.

- I think our table's ready.
- Oh, okay. Cool.

- Bye.
- [WILL CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- [WILL CHUCKLES]

Um, just while we have a
minute before we get too wasted,

- how about another round of toasts?
- [CHUCKLING] Hey!

[SYLVIA] I'll start.

Will, throughout your lifetime,
you're gonna be lost hundreds of times,

hundreds of times.

And you're lost right now.
But we're all here for you.

To being lost.

- Whoo! To being lost. Whoo!
- [GUESTS CHEERING]

I'm not gonna lie, Sylvia. He's
at the lowest point of his life,

and you tell him it's going to happen

a hundred more times. Little tough.

I'm saying it's gonna
happen to all of us.

- That's what I meant. It's part of life.
- Yeah.

- We all get lost.
- Yeah.

- I like that, Sylvia.
- Thank you, Omar.

Right, because somebody
came into his life

and kind of f*cked it
up for a little bit.

And luckily, he doesn't have to deal

with her fake-ass bullshit no more.

Why don't we set a few
ground rules for the evening?

Like, uh, we don't all need to
be talking sh*t about my ex-wife.

So, you know, nothing...
nothing too negative.

Or if it helps you to get
something off your chest,

maybe go for it because
that's why we're here.

He might have a point.
Should we go around the table

and everyone says the five things
they hate about her the most?

I don't know if women-bashing
is in the spirit of the evening.

[ANDY] Don't look at
it as women-bashing.

Look at it like we're talking sh*t about

somebody who happens to be a woman.

She also happens to be my sister.

And that's why I am Team Sylvia.

Yes. What? [CHUCKLES]

- [REGGIE] Look...
- Okay. Looking forward to the future.

Will, I think you should
ask that girl out on a date.

- [SYLVIA] Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
- [GUESTS CHATTERING]

- Which one?
- Hmm. Whichever.

- Yeah. We're all the same.
- I didn't say that.

But for the purpose of
this moment, they are.

- All right.
- Yeah!

- [GUESTS CHEERING] Yeah, Will.
- [ANDY] Big Will!

[CHANTING] Will! Will!
Will! Will! Will! Will!

[GUESTS CHEERING] Yeah!

- That's a legend right there.
- Yeah, man.

Think he's having fun?

Yeah. He's having a great
time. Why are you tripping?

I'm not. I-I organized this whole
thing. I just... I don't know.

After you disappeared on
him for five f*cking years.

[SIGHS] Buddy, you don't
know the whole story of that.

- Can we go for a coffee sometime?
- Oh, here he is. Here he is.

- [CHEERING]
- [SYLVIA] How'd it go?

Good news. She said, "I'm married,

and even if I wasn't,
you're not my type."

- [SYLVIA] Oh!
- [CHEERING]

- Ooh. Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hello.
- Can I interest anyone in a dessert?

Oh, maybe.

- I actually already bought dessert.
- Oh! Oh, damn.

[CHUCKLES] Actually, we might need a few

more minutes with the menu. Thank you.

- Oh. [STAMMERS] Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

Pass that to Sylvia.

You're not gonna do that
at the table, are you?

I'm not married to the venue.

What's the problem? You used
to love doing a little cocaine.

Once upon a time, I loved cocaine.

- Hey! Hi!
- Hey.

Are you guys having a good time?

Have you tried the
broccolini yet? It's great.

- It is so good.
- Oh.

- I'm, like, putting butter on everything.
- I know! Me too.

It's all about an empire waist.

- Am I right? [LAUGHS]
- Yes! Yeah! [CHUCKLES]

- That's so true. [SIGHS] Have fun.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You just became a completely
different person. That was weird.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Look, I don't make up the rules.

- I don't make up how society works.
- Then break out of your box.

- Do a little nose candy.
- Please don't say that.

- Some Bolivian marching powder.
- Don't say that either.

- Why not? Just dance with the white lady.
- No. I don't...

- Travel down the white line highway?
- Okay. Do you really wanna do that?

Just trying to have fun.

Well, I don't know.

- Change of venue. Let's f*cking bail.
- Yes! I love it. Where should we go?

I'm thinking we should go
somewhere a little more festive.

Ah, I know. Like an escape room.

I'm thinking more classy.

- [ALL CHUCKLING]
- Piano bar?

He's talking about a strip
club, just so you know.

Oh. Really?

I don't know though. It seems
a little too on the nose?

- I mean, maybe it's a little cliché.
- No?

- Yeah, totally.
- I don't want to ruin the night by maybe

- getting a weird vibe at the strip club.
- Yeah. Let's not ruin the vibe.

Like, I feel like we're
gonna have fun wherever we go,

even if it's a strip club.

I for sure wanna keep hanging out.

If we go to another spot and you guys

want to go to an all-nude strip club,

I don't want to be the guy who's like,

"Let's not go to an
all-nude strip club."

- So, it's unanimous? Strip club!
- [GUESTS] Strip club!

- [CHEERING]
- [CHANTING] We're going to the strip club.

- There's a song.
- Okay.

- If there's a song, you can't stop him.
- [SYLVIA] I get it. I...

This might be, I think, the
greatest night I've ever had.

- [REGGIE] Bro, let's go, dawg.
- [OMAR] Whoo!

[REGGIE] Let's f*cking get the
f*ck out of this bitch, bro.

Hey. We need you to be the tiebreaker.

Upscale or a little more down and dirty?

Oh, whichever you prefer.

No. Come on. We want your opinion.
You organized this whole night.

[STAMMERS] You decide.

I'm happy that I could be of help,

but I think I'm gonna sit
this part of the evening out.

- But you guys go. You go have fun.
- No, come on.

I... I'm not gonna come, buddy.

- Don't spoil it. Come on.
- What? I'm... [STAMMERS]

You guys should go. I
just personally don't...

I don't feel like going to a
strip club with a bunch of guys

who really want to go to a strip club.

- There it is.
- [CHUCKLES] What? This is your night.

And if you and your
middle-aged friends wanna go...

- Yeah.
- ... and be entertained by girls

barely older than my daughter,
then you should do it.

Don't make it sound gross.
This is about camaraderie.

Camaraderie was available
in the restaurant.

Why do you care if I'm there?
Why is that important? Go.

- Have fun with your man friends.
- I care 'cause you're talking to me

like I'm a loser.

Oh, okay. Well, then, yeah.
Let's go. Let's go see some tits.

Don't do that, okay?

I don't want you to come
if you don't want to come.

- What do you want from me?
- I want you to want to go to the strip club.

In a million years,
that will never happen.

- You used to like going to the strip club.
- I was pretending to like that.

You know that. It was when I was .

I was trying to be cool and ironic.

I can't stand those
places. They're depressing.

I'm middle-aged now, and I
don't have to pretend anymore.

Well, I feel quite judged right now.

I'm not judging you. I'm really not.

Go and have fun with your
friends. You have my blessing.

- Go forth to the strip club.
- I will go forth.

- Good.
- I'm gonna have a f*cking blast.

- I can't wait to hear about it.
- You will be a distant memory.

Just do your thing.

You have to come.

- It will be so sad and pathetic...
- [SIGHS]

... if I am a divorced man at a
strip club with a bunch of frat guys.

If you're there, it's fun and ironic.

Please make this a fun and ironic night.

Please come. I'm begging you.

You have to come. You have to come.

Close your eyes. Read a f*cking book.

I don't care. You have to be there.

I wanted this dinner to be about
your future. About the next chapter.

- I'm not gonna...
- f*ck the future! I don't want the future.

The future is bad.

- You don't know what it holds.
- Oh, I know what it holds.

For me, the future is baldness,
testicular cancer and then I die.

Testicular cancer is really
a young man's illness.

It's not something that
you should be concerned...

Now I want it!

Come on. Can't we just have
fun like we used to have?

I'm having fun. I'm having
a different kind of fun.

I'm having fun with my family,
throwing parties for the kids.

Throwing work parties
for Charlie. I have...

Fun has changed for me. It has
evolved into something else.

Your fun has evolved into
something called "not fun."

That's what your fun is.

Look, when do you...
That's all for other people.

When do you get to have fun?

It's very rewarding watching
the people you love have fun.

- That is not true.
- It felt... I felt that as I said it.

It felt very pathetic.
That's your reward?

- We won't go to the strip club.
- Okay.

- Just don't go home.
- Okay.

- Please hang out, okay?
- All right. Well...

What are we gonna do? What
are we gonna do for fun?

I have one idea.

- [WILL] Oh, yeah. Yeah!
- [ANDY] Whoo!

Whoo!

- [WILL] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's back.
- She's back. She's back.

She's back. She's back.

[ROBOTIC VOICE] She's back. She's back.

- Oh, robot's back. [CHUCKLING]
- She is back.

- [WILL] Hit your robot.
- She is back.

- Yo, did they...
- [CHUCKLING]

- Yo, did they have CK back in the day?
- [SHUSHING]

- [NORMAL VOICE] What's CK?
- Cocaine and ketamine.

Well, mostly ketamine with
a little bump of cocaine

- to make it fun for parties.
- Oh, God, dude.

What? What... What's ketamine?
I don't know what that is.

You do know what it is. Special K.
All the rave kids did it in college.

- What? I didn't sign up to do a rave drug.
- Yeah. I know.

Chill out. Take it easy.

You know, the cocaine is way
more intense than the Special K.

Yeah, the K is nothing. It's just,
like, a mild horse tranquilizer.

- It's a horse tranquilizer?
- [SHUSHING]

- Sylvia, damn!
- [WHISPERING] Chill out!

- [REGGIE] No, it's okay.
- What?

If this is for horses, does
that mean that they snort it too?

- If it's laced with carrots.
- [REGGIE] That's funny.

We gotta get it outta me.
I'm much smaller than a horse.

They use it on small animals too.

I had a gerbil that was prescribed it.

I gotta pump my stomach.
Take me to the hospital?

Take me to the hospital!
They can pump my stomach.

- No. [SHUSHES] No.
- [RETCHES]

- No! Stop it! Don't do that.
- Sylvia, relax.

It can't... It doesn't work like
that. It's already in the brain.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh. [SHUSHES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MOUTHING] Oh, sh*t.

[WHISPERS] It's the
police. It's the police.

- Shut up. Shut up.
- It's the police.

- Hi, guys.
- [ALL GASP]

- Oh, my God. f*ck, man.
- f*cking Omar.

What are y'all up to in here?

- Omar, close the door, m*therf*cker.
- [REGGIE] Go away.

- Am I'm gonna die?
- You're not gonna die.

- Am I'm gonna get arrested?
- You're not gonna get arrested.

Want me to take you home?

No. I don't wanna go home to
the kids and Charlie on ketamine.

Honestly, we don't even
know what's gonna happen.

It really affects
everyone very differently.

Some people, it hits really hard.
Other people, they barely feel it.

[ANDY] Mm-hmm.

- [ANDY] Oh.
- [WILL] Oh.

There she goes.

[SYLVIA CLICKS TONGUE]

[WILL] Well, okay. Uh...

[CHUCKLING]

I think she feels it.

I know I look relaxed.
Well, I'm not relaxed at all.

[CHUCKLES]

Shame on you.

I'm very angry.

Hmm.

[CHUCKLES] Livid at you.

- [WILL] We should get her outta here.
- I'm not happy about this.

No, you don't seem happy.

You look it.

- We should keep her moving.
- [CHUCKLES]

Not a good situation.

Nope. Let's, um...

[SYLVIA] Very angry.

- All right. No.
- No?

- Can't believe this.
- Yep.

- I'm furious about this situation.
- [WILL] S... Yep.

- I'm good. I'm fine.
- Yeah, yeah. You're good.

Oh. Sylvia. Sylvia. Hey.

I meant to ask you, are you gonna
sign Maeve up for peewee soccer?

What?

Are you gonna sign the girls
for... for peewee soccer?

- [WHISPERS] Yes.
- Yes.

- [STAMMERS] Great. Great.
- [LAUGHS]

Which day are you thinking?
Mondays or Wednesdays?

Hmm. Yes.

Okay. I kno...

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Oh! Oh, my God.

- Sorry. Oh, dear.
- Wednesdays. That means Wednesdays.

- [FRIEND] All right. Are you okay?
- Yep.

- She's okay.
- We'll clean this up for you.

- [WILL] We'll get you a little Gatorade.
- Get home safe.

[WILL] You're doing great. There we go.

- You're crushing it.
- Hmm.

- Hanging a left. Hanging a left.
- Mmm.

- On the straightaway. Get you some water.
- Hmm.

- Some what?
- Some water.

- Wine?
- No. Water. [CHUCKLES]

- We like wine.
- I know we like wine. [CHUCKLES]

- Ooh, ramen.
- [CHUCKLES] Yo, Sylvia's a rager.

Hey, I don't wanna hear
a f*cking word out of you.

- This whole thing is your fault.
- You asked for dr*gs.

And then I brought dr*gs because you

asked for dr*gs and this is my fault?

If you present someone with a
little baggie of white powder

and it is not cocaine, it is
on you to disclose that, okay?

That's drug etiquette.
This is your fault.

"Oh, white powder. It must be cocaine.

I'm Will, and I'm a
stockbroker from the s."

You coming to the booty
club with me or not?

- No.
- Bro, let's go.

It's operation booty club.

- Dude, let's go. Let's get.
- [ANDY] Booty time.

- [REGGIE] Come on, booty time!
- [ANDY] Booty time.

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Sylvia.

Oh, God! What are you
doing? What happened?

Just... Let's go. Come on.

I got it. I got the
wine. Let's go. Let's go.

[WILL] Oh, no. Okay.

- Oh, Jesus f*cking Christ.
- [OWNER] What the f*ck?

[WILL] Oh, be careful.

Uh, this woman ha-has epilepsy.
Everything's fine. She's fine.

Her vitamins are in the
car. I'm gonna get her out.

I'm calling the cops.

She is a lawyer, and she will sue you

for discrimination against epileptics.

Oh, yeah, right. She's a lawyer.

She's a very brilliant lawyer, okay?

Get her out!

Okay. We're good.

You have a lovely shop.

[WILL] Mm-hmm.

Hey. There she is. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, what... How long have I been asleep?

- Couple of hours.
- [SIGHS]

[GROANS]

I can't believe that we used
to, like, take dr*gs all the time

and then get up in the
morning and take more dr*gs.

We were... [SIGHS] You
know, we were something.

- We were strong.
- We were legendary.

Oh, my God.

[SIGHS] Look, I'm really sorry.

You know, you... You're a normal,
functional adult, my friend.

I'm a stunted loser with
stunted loser friends

who do stunted loser things.

- You know?
- [GROANS] Please.

You want to hear something...
[CHUCKLES] ... really stunted?

I would love to if it
makes me feel better. Yes.

- [SYLVIA] It will.
- Great.

Charlie had to set up
a job interview for me

because I couldn't figure
out how to get one by myself.

That's pretty good. Feeling better.

[SYLVIA CHUCKLES] It's pathetic.

That's not even the worst
part. You know what is?

Is that... [SCOFFS] ... I'm so
insecure and have such low self-esteem

that I can't even place the call.
I literally can't place the call.

I can't even help myself
crawl out of this hole I'm in.

If you can crawl out of a K-hole,
you can crawl out of any hole.

- Mahatma Gandhi said that on his deathbed...
- [LAUGHS]

... and they were like, "Really?
Those are your last words?"

And he was like, "Don't worry.

This will, uh... You'll
be glad I said this."

- [SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
- He was very smart.

He was a smart guy. [CHUCKLES]

I'm just so terrified of
making a decision and revealing

what a loser I am.

You are not a loser, okay?

No, not at all. You threw
an amazing divorce party.

- Oh, shut up.
- You did. I had such a good time.

I liked cleaning up after you.

Convincing that lady
not to press charges.

- So scary. Very hostile.
- She took that very personally.

But, you know, I didn't think of, uh,

my ex-wife for four or five hours.

I can't even remember the
last time that happened.

So, I guess this is me just
trying to say thank you.

Aw. No worries, buddy. No worries.

You know what? f*ck it.

I'm so sick of Charlie just harassing
me, and it's time to move on.

What are you doing? Are you doing it?

Are you... Are you calling the lawyer?

Yeah. I'm just gonna get it done.
He should be lucky to hear from me.

- I was top of my class at law school.
- It's two o'clock in the morning right now.

- [KIRK] Hello.
- Oh, no.

- [KIRK] Hello?
- What am I doing? What?

- Why are you doing it? Did it go through?
- I didn't think about that. Oh, my God.

[PHONE RINGS]

- He's calling me back.
- He's calling you back?

Get rid of it. Get rid of it.
What do you do? What do you do?

- [SYLVIA] Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Oh, f*ck. Oh, no.

- [SYLVIA SHRIEKS]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

- It went to voice mail.
- Okay.

- No message.
- Okay.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- He's calling again.

- He's calling again. Oh, no.
- I can hear it.

- [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
- Oh, no.

This guy wants to know who
called him at : in the morning.

[PHONE CHIMES]

You're gonna have to
get a new phone number.

- Oh, my God.
- You can't call him from this phone again.

I have to change my number.

But he's calling back.

That means that he's very interested
in, uh, whoever called him...

[CHUCKLES] ... which I
would take as a good thing.

Seriously though, thank you for tonight.

I can't even remember that much of it.

- I can. I got pictures.
- Oh.

- Look at this. Look at us here.
- That's a terrible photo of me.

- No, it's a great photo.
- Can you delete that?

- It's already been posted.
- That's terrible.

- Do I look really good right now?
- You look very good.

- Right? Pretty. Together.
- You look incredible. You... You don't...

You don't look like you've
been, uh, in a tornado.

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Having the time of your life.

Wow.

- [GROANS]
- Cheers.

[BOTH IN ROBOTIC VOICE] To the future.

- To the future.
- [WILL] Need oil.

["FIRST LOVE/LATE SPRING" PLAYING]

_

[WILL IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey,
I had fun the other night.

Let me know if I can, uh, take
you out to dinner sometime.


[PEYTON] Yeah. Dinner is
one of my favorite meals.

[WILL] Uh...

[PEYTON] Are you surprised
I responded at this hour?

[WILL] No. No. Not at all.

Uh, 'cause you were probably
waiting up for my message.


[CHUCKLES] Are you
surprised I got in touch?

[PEYTON] No, because I'm great.

I'm surprised you know how
to operate social media.


[WILL] Well, I am full of surprises.

[PEYTON] I fully doubt that. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]
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