01x04 - The Crown: Joancoming: It's a Cleo Cleo Cleo Cleo World

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Clone High". Aired: 05-23-23 - present.*
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Historical figures who have been cloned and placed back in high school to face the trials of normal teenage life.
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01x04 - The Crown: Joancoming: It's a Cleo Cleo Cleo Cleo World

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♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ALL GRUNT)

Huh? What?

(BLARING)

It can't be. (GASPS) The
stone of eternal servitude!

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(WATER BURBLING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

Yes! A gem fit for a king.

- I want it. (GRUNTS)
- No!

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)

This is the most powerful
force in the universe.

And it must never fall into
the wrong hands. (GROANS)

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Ladies and gentlemen of the
Board of Shadowy Figures.

I present to you the most
powerful force in the universe.

(ALL GASP)

- Give me!
- The inscription warns

that the crown is deadly
in the wrong hands,

and must only be
worn by nobility.

f*cking bullshit.

Luckily, homecoming
is approaching

and we'll crown
our king and queen.

With them as our puppet,
that power is ours.

And you're sure
it's going to work?

Of course.

Scudworth has assured me
that nothing can go wrong.

Say what now? I heard my name.

(INSECT BUZZING)

Very well then. If we want
to take over the world,

we have to break a few eggs.

This is all riding
on you, Scudworth.

- Ah! But I didn't...
- (LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY)

- Let homecoming begin.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

♪ (MARCHING BAND VERSION
OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Damn! This float's
gonna be goat!

Do you think there's enough
corporate diarrhea splatter?

- Never.
- (CHUCKLES)

What a fun homecoming float.

You're capturing all the joys
of a high school football game.

No, this is the Art Club float.

I'm so excited because
people really care

about issues these days,
so we're using homecoming

to make a
thought-provoking statement

about corruption
and corporate greed.

It's gonna be a hoot.
(YELLS) Homecoming!

The only float I care
about is you, Joan,

because you float
my boat. (CHUCKLES)

And by boat, I mean penis. And
by float, I also mean penis.

- You penis my penis.
- Oh, you two! (CHUCKLES)

Terrible! (LAUGHS)

- (CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
- Vote for me.

I've got everything you
need to be homecoming queen.

I'm a total ten
with the best bod.

Plus, I'm giving out
pumpkin spice lattes.

- (CROWD CHEERS)
- I'll take one.

That one's not for me. Okay.

Pumpkin mixed with coffee?
What has the world come to?

- I'll have one.
- I'll have one, too.

They're still doing
homecoming court?

That's so last
century. What's next?

The Electric Slide, or
the Macarena, or the...

"Instructional Boogie."
Everyone's favorite song.

♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL
BOOGIE" PLAYING) ♪

- (CROWD CHEERS) - STUDENT: Whoo!
This is everyone's favorite song.

What is happening?

ANNOUNCER: (OVER RADIO) It's time
for everyone's favorite song,

"The Instructional Boogie,"
which means this song has lyrics

that will tell you
exactly what to do.

Well, what are we waiting for?

♪ Jump up and down ♪

♪ Wave your right hand
And wave your left thumb ♪

♪ Now clap your hands
Gently four times ♪

♪ And scratch your ear ♪

Cleo! Cleo, I'll take one.

Is that everyone? Does
anyone else need a latte?

Me. Am I invisible or something?

♪ Now groove on over To
your high school nemesis ♪

♪ Pretend to be nice ♪

Hey, Joan, vote for me
for homecoming queen.

Want some pumpkin spice
in your mouth hole?

No, thanks. My homecoming
is an opportunity

to shine light onto the
broken justice system.

- That's fun too.
- I'm sorry,

- is your mind also flat-chested?
- (CUP THUDS)

CONFUCIUS: Ow! But,
thanks. I'll take it.

The world may have changed,
but there's one thing

that hasn't. Homecoming
queens are still totally cute.

(CHUCKLES) That's
why I'm gonna win.

♪ Make your hips
go Dip, dip, dips ♪

I don't need songs to
tell me when to dip.

I'll dip when I
damn well please.

You think you're better than
me, but looks like your boyf

is picking up what
I'm putting down.

♪ Now, hop like a bunny
Do the bunny hop ♪

- ♪ Let me see your bunny hop ♪
- Tell me what to do,

man from the radio!

(GRUNTS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(DRINK SLURPS)

Did you see Cleo campaigning
for homecoming queen?

She's so shameless. I
mean, take it down a notch.

Hmm. Kind of seems
like you and Cleo

are like my dad's
favorite meal. All beef.

All I'm saying is,
she's a horrible person.

We can't put her on
a pedestal. Trust me.

I've lived there before.
Nobody wants that.

Well, her foamy lattes disagree.

Oh, this drink is good.

- I love Cleo.
- It's like pie but you drink it.

You don't get it. She's
just... (GROANS) ...the worst!

She's toxic. Her, um,

lattes are made from,
uh, child labor.

Is that true?

- (CLOCK TICKING, DINGING)
- Yes.

Not only that, the kids
work in the spice mines

- under horrible conditions.
- (CHILDREN CRYING)

And the pumpkins

are blood pumpkins,
which is a real thing.

Okay, disgusting. (GROANS)

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ You ain't talking 'bout me
You ain't talking 'bout much ♪

♪ I stay on card But
it ain't no bluff ♪

♪ Bet you won't say it again ♪

♪ Never ever took an
end That became a win ♪

♪ Might be losing friends
But I'm gaining hands ♪

♪ My eyes are stuck
I'm the champion ♪

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

♪ (OMINOUS MEDIEVAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(BELL TOLLING)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Assemble the masses.

- ♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (CROWD CHEERING)

It's the moment you've
all been waiting for.

This year's homecoming king

is inexplicably popular,
and so lovably dumb,

and hot in a way that
your parents approve of.

Aw, shucks.

HARRIET TUBMAN: But not a
piece of total human garbage.

Oh, come on.

- (SHRIEKS)
- HARRIET: Our king is JFK!

- (EXCLAIMS) Yes!
- (CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Oh, my God. I'm the king
of coming! (CHUCKLES)

At home! Let me grab my
staff, and the family jewels.

Scepter? I hardly know her.
Ah! It's the friggin’ best.

And now, the real moment
we've all been waiting for.

This year's homecoming queen is,
clap your hands for Joan of Arc.

- (CROWD CHEERS)
- What?

- This can't be happening.
- This can't be happening.

My queen, take a
royal selfie with me.

Would you sign my nut?

- My queen! Sign my nut.
- Sign my nut.

We're homecoming royalty!

Two beautiful young
people ruling the world,

parading around in
an open convertible.

What could go wrong?

Everything. Just 'cause I
didn't want Cleo to win,

doesn't mean I should.
No one should be queen.

Just enjoy it.
You're so selfless

and honest, Joan.
You deserve this.

No, you get off the
stage. I want a recount.

Congrats, Joan. Turns out,

nobody wants to vote
for a pumpkin m*rder*r.

- Pumpkin m*rder*r.
- (CROWD CLAMORS)

(SOBS)

Cleo...

Well anyway, thanks
for the tip, Joan.

And now, we will
crown our queen,

as we slowly and deliberately

placed the crown onto her head
in ten, nine, eight, seven...

My clone foster daughter
is going to wear the crown.

I'm so proud. The most
powerful force in the universe

will be living under my roof.

And the board will give me
credit for it. That's a real win

- for the Scudman.
- Ugh.

HARRIET: One and a half,
one and one quarter.

One and a fifth.

I actually have to
go to the bathroom.

(CROWD TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- (CLEO SOBBING)
- Cleo?

- Are you crying?
- I'm not crying.

I'm just leaking anger.

It really seems
like you're crying.

Of course, I'm crying.

You're so plain,
and I'm super-hot.

And yet, people voted for you.

Being queen is the one thing
I cared about, but you just

- couldn't let me have that.
- Look, I don't even care

about this stupid, basic,

pointless, merely
symbolic crown.

I mean, if you want
it so bad, take it.

♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I'm out of here!

- (DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
- Now, I have the power.

♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Hmm?

I'm beautiful.

♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(BOTH GASP)

(ALL GASP)

(GASPS)

♪ (RAP MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

People, we're ready
for the parade.

- Where's my homecoming queen?
- (CHUCKLES) I'm right here.

You're not the queen, Joan is.

She's redefining
female popularity

with her feminist takes
on justice reform.

And we need to get her
on the float, okay? Stat!

But I am the queen. You
need me on the float, stat.

Yeah, I do, you hot bitch.

Get that slammin'
booty on my float.

That's more like it.

♪ B-A-D Bad girls
getting money ♪

♪ B-A-D Ba-ba-bad
dirty money ♪

Wait, is that
pumpkin spice latte?

Ew. Ugh, gross. Ugh, disgusting.

Oh, the worst thing I've
ever... One more taste.

Abe! Where are you going?

I'm going to see Cleo
on her fly parade float.

She's the hottest
girl in school.

A total ten with the best
bod. Now, talk to the hand.

Wait, why are you
talking like Cleo?

And why are you wearing a
crop top and gaucho pants?

Because it's cute. Bye!

♪ The b*at goes
Bang, bang, bang ♪

♪ Work your body Oh, oh, oh ♪

- (CROWD CHEERS)
- ♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- This is an utter disaster!
- Yeah, I don't know

what you're gonna
tell the Board.

I'd hate to be in your shoes.

- (STAMMERS)
- (MIMICS)

Quit bickering. We
have to stop Cleo

before she does that thing
where the usurper to the throne

bends everyone to her will
and rules with an iron fist.

He's right. We just
have to stay calm and...

be total tens with the best bod.

Oh! Cleopatra, comin' atcha!

- (CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS) - PRINCIPAL
SCUDWORTH: That float is the b*mb dot com.

Can you believe it took over
, orchids to build it?

- It's so hot.
- So hot.

- So hot.
- Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot,

- hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
- Wait, what?

SCUDWORTH: Here they come now,

your homecoming queen and
her king! Cleo and JFK!

- (CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
- What is going on?

That's my boyfriend. Why
is he acting so strange?

(SPEAKING IN ROBOTIC
VOICE) I am not a strange.

- I am a normal.
- I know you're in there, JFK.

Uh, I don't... I don't want
to b*at around the bush.

Maybe it's just hard for you.

I wanna b*at something hard
around your bush. (EXHALES)

Help me, Joanie.
Help me! (STAMMERS)

(SPEAKING IN ROBOTIC VOICE)
I'm hopelessly devoted to Cleo.

I am no longer a
fan of sexual puns.

He's mine now, Joanie.

I've turned him and
I'm gonna turn you too.

(YELLS)

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- ♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
- Oh, no.

That float's gonna hit me.

- In a few minutes.
- (TIRES SQUEALING)

Grab my hand, Joan,
I'll save you.

Wait. You're not
under Cleo's spell

- like everyone else?
- Um, I guess

she doesn't really know I
exist, which was bumming me out.

- But now I see the benefits.
- We've got to fix this.

Come on, Confucius.

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- (GROANS)

(BONES CRACKING)

All right, Cleo will never
find us in the library,

because she doesn't
know it exists.

I feel your pain, library.
(SNIFFS) What's that smell?

- Um, books?
- Weird.

Are they all on paper like
that? Uh, fire hazard.

Focus, Confucius. We
have to figure out

how to take down Cleo.

She won't stop until
she destroys me.

Why does Cleo hate you so
much? What did you do to her?

What? Me? I didn't do anything.

She has been a mean girl
ever since we were kids.

It's actually just
sad and basic.

Yeah, but isn't it kind of
basic of you to call her basic?

Hey, I was frozen for years.
I just started using that word.

Let me enjoy it. Now, help me
take that basic bitch down.

You're the clone of Confucius,
think of something wise.

Oh, I'm not wise
like my clone father.

But I will say, maybe it's time
to disrupt the negativity cycle

with Cleo, we'll just
k*ll her with kindness.

You're right. We
should k*ll her.

Ah! Joan. I, er, uh, have
been looking all over for you.

Thank God, I found
you totally alone

in an empty library.

- Seriously?
- JFK! Thank God, you're free.

Yeah, we're free to take you
to our hella hot queen, Cleo.

No, I'm taking Joan to
our hello hot queen, Cleo.

JFK! Abe! (SCREAMS) Stop!
I'm trying to help you.

I won't let them take you.

- (TIRES SQUEAL)
- Wow, they're strong.

And then she told me to
pick a color for my toes,

and I was just like,
"Uh, duh, as if."

I'm just doing a clear
coat, you stupid manicurist.

You are the most beautiful

and fascinating
person I've ever met.

- Tell us again.
- Of course.

So anyway, I'd already
picked this slammin' neutral.

We, er, uh, come bearing
a gift, Your Majesty.

Well, if it isn't Joan of Barf.

I bet you hate me too, right?
You're like, that guy sucks.

That gives me an idea.

Maybe you can sneak up on
her and steal the crown.

You're basically invisible.

That's uh, extremely
hurtful, but yeah, I'll try.

(HUMS) So Joan, any last words?

Uh, yes. Actually, yes.
I have so many words.

Gosh, where to begin?

(INHALES) I guess I'll
list them, alphabetically.

Um, aardvark. That's double A.

All right. Answer. Ask.

- Ass.
- (GASPS)

(THUDS)

Eyes on me, Cleopatra.
You don't have to do this.

No, no, you can be good and
make better choices. Yes.

I always try to
take the high road.

Well, technically you started
the rumor about Cleo's lattes

that made everyone vote
for you instead of her.

- What?
- Now you hear him?

Grab the crown, Confucius.

- (GROANS)
- You started that rumor?

- Ow! My ribs.
- Why would people listen to you

with your poetry, and politics,
and caring about stuff?

People never used
to like that junk?

Well, they do now.
Give me the crown.

You didn't want it. You
don't get to have it back.

Especially after you
started that pumpkin rumor

so people would throw
pumpkins in my face.

(HESITATES) No, that's not
how it happened at all.

(VOICE SHAKING)
I'm a good person.

- No, you're not.
- (GROANS) Little tight.

And now, you're gonna have
to suffer as you watch

everyone around you
turn into the thing

you hate the most. Me!

- No. Not Confucius.
- Yes! I feel seen.

It's gonna be
homecoming forever.

♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL
BOOGIE" PLAYING) ♪

♪ Now hop to the left
and stomp eight times ♪

No surprise. Cleo has
some slammin' moves.

She's no poser when it
comes to dancing, Cinnamon.

Looks like the robot has
to rescue the exiled queen

in order to save the
school. If I had a nickel.

♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL BOOGIE"
PLAYING IN DISTANCE) ♪

♪ Now, file your taxes
It's almost April ♪

- ♪ Keep those receipts ♪
- No.

♪ How many dependents?
How many dependents? ♪

♪ Two dependents, two dependents
Claim those dependents ♪

Joan, looks like you're a
little tied up. (CHUCKLES)

- No time for jokes.
- No. Don't help me.

I'm a horrible person.
Confucius was right.

I've been just as bad
to Cleo as she is to me.

I deserved my
punishment of listening

to "The Instructional
Boogie" on an endless loop.

(SIGHS) The irony is, I
actually kind of like this song.

I just didn't want to admit it.

Admitting your truth
is the first step.

It did feel kind of
good to say it out loud.

Now, embrace it.
Embrace your truth.

♪ Are you chained to a post? ♪

I am chained to a post.

♪ Just twist your wrist
Till you shimmy on out ♪

Just twist my wrist
till I shimmy on out.

Whoa! My truth is
setting me free.

Now, maybe it can repair
your relationship with Cleo.

You're right.

I have to bare my soul to her,
no matter how scary that is.

Because with truth on my side,
I can do anything. I can fly!

(GROANS)

You can't fly, but you have
the power to change your story

with Cleo. (SCREAMS)

Don't look at me,
I oiled myself.

- Just go to the dance.
- Thanks, Mr. B.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

♪ Now clap your hands
Eleven minus six ♪

Joan, I banished you to
the Football Field Realm.

Back to the grass with
your flat ass. Get her!

You'll never get past

my choreographed
attackers, Joanie.

You can't fight someone
who is also getting down

to "The Instructional Boogie."

We can't stop her as she
moving the same way as us.

But you hate "The
Instructional Boogie."

Actually, I don't. It's
kind of grown on me.

♪ Now hop three times
And touch the ground ♪

♪ Now drive the
car Drive the car ♪

♪ Now stop the
car Stop the car ♪

♪ 'Cause you're at a store
Now you're grabbing food ♪

♪ Now you go back home
Now go back home ♪

♪ Now you heat Two
tablespoons Canola oil ♪

♪ In a deep skillet
Over medium heat ♪

♪ Add chicken breasts and cook ♪

♪ About minutes Till
the juice runs clear ♪

♪ Remove from the skillet ♪

♪ Now drain and cool
Now drain and cool ♪

I think she's making
chicken posole.

♪ (SONG STOPS) ♪

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Eat pumpkin spice latte!

I don't hate pumpkin
spice lattes.

(GROANS)

And I don't hate homecoming.

And I don't hate you!

Ew. (GASPS)

Stop! That's my crown.

Well, I thought we could split!

- (CROWD GASPS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- No. I need my butt implants.
- No, you don't, Cleo.

People like you just
the way you are.

- k*ll Cleo.
- You suck.

- STUDENT: You gave me bangs.
- She does know I exist, though.

- (CROWD YELLING)
- She made me wear a crop top.

No one should have to
see my bare, long torso.

Hang on, hold on. This
isn't all on Cleo.

I did the wrong thing
when I told the lie

about the pumpkin spice lattes.

Those lattes were
sourced ethically.

(ALL GASP)

Um, yeah, they totally were.

What I'm saying is,
Cleo may have been

the ultimate mean girl, but
I was the basic mean girl

who started it and I'm sorry.

Just like, I'm sure Cleo's sorry
for everything that she did.

I am? (GROANS, GULPS)
I'm like, really sorry

that I used the homecoming
crown for evil instead of good,

since it's literally the
most important thing to me.

Mm-hmm.

I hope you'll all consider
voting for me next year.

- We will.
- Everybody makes mistakes.

- Homecoming's weird.
- STUDENT: Huh. We'll see.

- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (DOOR CLOSING)

Thanks for doing that.

All I did was tell the
truth. And to be honest,

I'm really glad we
aren't enemies anymore.

Oh, my God, Joan.
Obsessed with me much?

Oh, I'm so glad to
have you back, Joanie.

Oh, I missed your
reasonably-sized boobies.

And I missed your
unreasonably-sized booty.

- Is my hair freaking you out?
- Don't call attention to it.

(GROANS) What happened?
What year is it?

My God, look at this place.

The Board is not
going to be happy.

You're gonna blame it all on
me? What do I do? What do I do?

(SHUSHES) Listen.

♪ Just leave the scene Like
it's not your problem ♪

♪ Then end the show With
a real slow pull-back ♪

♪ End the show With a
real slow pull-back ♪

♪ Roll the credits
Roll the credits ♪

♪ See all the people Who
are working in the program ♪

♪ Lots of people
Lots of people ♪

♪ Lots of people
Doing various jobs ♪

♪ Various jobs ♪

♪ Various jobs By
lots of people ♪

♪ Lots of people
Lots of people ♪

♪ Now end the song 'Cause
it's stuck in your head ♪

♪ Stuck in your head ♪

♪ Maybe forever, maybe forever
Maybe forever, maybe forever ♪

♪ Ever, ever, ever
Ever, ever, ever ♪

♪ Ever, ever, ever
Ever, ever, ever ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
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