02x09 - A Very Solar Holiday Opposites Special

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Solar Opposites". Aired: May 8, 2020 – present.*
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Centers around Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack — a family of aliens who crash land on Earth and are forced to stay there, often disagreeing on whether this is a good thing.
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02x09 - A Very Solar Holiday Opposites Special

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(DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING)

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELLS JINGLING)

(LASER FIRE)

Fa! La la! La la! La la!

La! La!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, f*ck yeah, Korvo.

You decorated the sh*t
out of that tree, baby.

Oh, I love this time of year, Terry.

It reminds me of all the rule-heavy
Shlorpian holidays.

I used to get so excited
for the Annual Elderly Hunt.

Rituals, am I right?

Did you know Christmas is strictly timed

to the orbital path of the Earth around
the sun? How cool is that?

For once, we can agree.
Christmas is the sh*t!

There's so much candy and hot merch.

Get your groove on,
Crappin' Santa. Dump that hot cocoa.

So dark, so chocolate...

You guys talking about Christmas?
I love presents!

I don't know what's better,

getting them or returning them
for store credit?

And I love that we got to k*ll a tree.

And that we're keeping
its body in the house.

Sounds like we all love Christmas.

All of us except the Pupa.

He always disappears
around this time,

because he hates Christmas.

Christmas is the tits, Pupa.
W-w-what is your problem?

Come on, don't ruin this
like you ruined Ramadan for us.

You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
you f*cking selfish prick!

I could shake your branches

and you can't do anything about it,
because you're dead.

Shame on you, Pupa. You're such a Grinch.

TERRY: That's right, get outta here!
Don't come back

without serious Christmas spirit.
I wanna see gifts.

That little jerk
will learn the true meaning of Christmas.

You mean like candy cane
and meatball hot pockets.

f*ck yes!

(ALL MOANING)

It's the Solar Opposites
Christmas Special.

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.

This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me?
(STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.

They love Christmas so much.

Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.

He was born in July,
he's allergic to pine trees.

Deal with it.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

This is the time of year
where we are compelled

to gather and celebrate the light
of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Thank you all for rejecting the
commercialization of the holiday.

Only here in the house of God

can your spirits truly be blessed.

-Amen.
-(MAN SOBBING)

Sorry to interrupt the service. I just...

I've made a horrible mistake.

My son came out
as a tiny bit bi last week,

and I... I kicked him out of the house.

I've ruined our lives. I miss him so much.

(SOBBING)

YUMYULACK/JESSE: Christmas!
Christmas! Christmas! Christ...

Shut the f*ck up!

Okay, kids, gather around.

It's time for
our annual holiday tradition.

Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?

ALL: Me, me, me, me, me.

I managed to get my grubby little paws

on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.

The Christian Science Monitor
says it's a must-watch.

KORVO: Hold your butts.
Why watch Jingle All the Way

when we can live Jingle All the Way?

Remember when we went
and saw Ready Player One?

No. But I wipe my mind
after seeing any movie

where people don't steal
the Declaration of Independence.

There was one scene in Ready Player One

where that computer kid
went inside The Shining.

Wait, they just
put a better movie inside their movie?

Is this gonna take long?
'Cause it already is.

That one scene was a good idea.
So I made the same device in real life.

It's called the Ready Player One Device.

Your machine names are starting
to suck, Korvo.

Tough tatas, I don't care.
Prepare for holiday magic!

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(STATIC)

So we went from our suburban house
to another suburban house? Amazing.

Uh, why are we all dressed like this?

The device only knows
how to replace one character,

so we're all playing
Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.

-(SIGHS) Hey, Dads.
-(CLEARS THROAT)

(MIMICKING ARNOLD): Um, what's wrong, son?

I want the Turbo Man action figure with
the arms and legs that move

and the boomerang sh**t
and the rock'n roller jet pack

and the realistic voice activator
that says five different phrases

like, "It's Turbo time!"

Accessories sold separately,
batteries not included.

Turbo Man? Yeah, right.
Those are sold out everywhere.

-It's almost Christmas.
-Wow, really?

That would make
Christmas so great.

No, no. Listen, I'm saying
that would be imposs...

JAMIE: Thanks, Dads.

I guess in the movie,
our character agrees

to get this stupid toy?

Well, then he's a little bitch.

Wait, this is what
Jingle All the Way is about?

No Will Ferrell elves
or lady leg lamps?

No, I guess it's just about
buying a hard-to-find doll.

Whoever greenlit this movie
must have been on so much cocaine.

Oh no. What? Wait, what the f*ck?
Am I having a stroke?

Oh God, please take my left side.
That's my ugly side.

KORVO: No, no. We're just moving
to the next scene.

I bet it's about to get
super Christmassy.

Oh, okay, I guess
we're just going shopping.

Outta my way!
My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,

and nothing and nobody
is gonna stop me.

Whoa, was that Sinbad?

Ugh, not a good sign
for the quality of this film.

The f*ck is this movie?

There's hardly
any snow or decorations

or anything Christmassy.

Oh, sorry, guys.

I guess The Christian
Science Monitor's

Best Holiday Movies list

wasn't as strictly curated
as I assumed.

This blows. Can we just quit?

You don't want to find
that toy for Jamie?

f*ck it. Let's bail.

Well, that was
a waste of yuletide.

L-let's split up and do
super Christmassy stuff

to get that foul taste of
Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.

Ooh, I call dibs
on calling Santa.

(KEYPAD BEEPING) (LINE RINGING)

SANTA: Ho ho ho!
Get your credit card ready.

(DOOR CLOSES)

MAN:
What you got here, little man?

Huh? I don't know this guy.
He your friend?

He kinda looks like Everett,
that little bit bi kid

who's been working nights
at the bus station.

(GROANS)

-Are you excited to meet Santa?
-Sort of.

I mean, I do love giving a list of demands
to a well-dressed stranger.

Yeah. Something feels off.

Ho ho ho.
Come on and sit on Santa's lap.

Smile.

Yeah, look how dry you are.

I know you want this,
you thirsty little birch.

Ooh, ooh, I'm spilling it.

Too bad you don't have
any roots to soak it up.

Hmm.

SANTA: (OVER PHONE) Terry,
you don't seem into this.

Why don't you deposit
another bucks

and we can talk about it?

Who even cares?

(CRYING)

Why is this the only way
I can feel something?

I know. I can't even enjoy
abusing this dead, sexy tree.

Ugh.

I feel an emptiness where there's usually
a glowing ember of holiday joy.

And-and a little acid reflux
because I don't chew my food enough.

Does anybody wanna go outside
and get hit by a bus with me?

-Yeah, I'm in.
-Me too.

Especially if it's number four.

Wait!

Aha! Exactly what I thought.

AISHA: Scanning.

Ship sensors indicate

that our holiday spirit
is completely gone.

-(GASPING)
-That can't be right. I love Christmas.

Used to love Christmas.

Now your holly and your jolly
have bottomed out.

Jingle All the Way
must have sucked so hard

that it k*lled
our Christmas spirit.

That's why we all want
to cut ourselves?

Is that why dead trees
don't make us all hard anymore?

There has to be a way
to get our spirit back.

Ooh, find someone cheerful
and drink their blood.

Yes, of course. But also, we have to use
the Ready Player One device

to go into better
holiday movies.

It will be a pure injection
of fa-la-la to get our spirits back.

You mean we can play parts
in all the Christmas classics?

That's right.
The Solar Opposites are going

into all your favorite
Christmas movies! Suck my ass!

(MARIAH CAREY'S "ALL I WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU" PLAYING)

I want to live!

-I want to live!
-I want to live!

I want a limited edition
Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch

and to live!

Nobody likes
our stupid f*cking noses.

Being different sucks.

Oh, Rudolphs,
I like your red noses.

I like your musk too.

And I'm at the height of my cycle.

I can tell.

(NOSE SQUEAKING)

-W-what are you doing out here...
-Shh!

Make my wish come true ♪

All I want
for Christmas is you ♪

Check my Christmas spirit.
It's gotta be back.

That should have done it.

AISHA: Scanning.

Your spirit is at zero percent.

-(ALL GROAN)
-That can't be right.

We've been celebrating
the holiday AF.

(GRUNTS) The only thing
I can feel anymore is pain.

Why is this happening to us?

We must have
residual plot sickness

from not finishing the plot
from Jingle All the Way.

But the story sucked ass.
It had no stakes.

Now, Kindergarten Cop,
that was an Arnold movie

where you cared
if the kid lived or d*ed.

Yes, but the Ready Player One
Device doesn't know that.

It's impartial.

It cast us as the dad
which means

that even if it wasn't enough
to carry a two-hour movie

getting that toy
for Jamie was important.

Huh, I guess I am filled with regret that
I wasn't a better father to Jamie.

When we bailed,
we only jingled part of the way.

Christmas is tomorrow.

If we don't get our spirit back
before it ends,

-we never will.
-Are you sure?

Remember what happened
with Veteran's Day?

We lost our Veteran's Day spirit and now
we don't support the troops.

Okay, so what do we do?
Convert to Jewishism?

No, Terrence,
there's only one thing we can do.

We have to go back.
Back to the Jingleverse.

And this time,
we have to jingle all the way

and take back
our Christmas spirit.

Yeah, that's Everett.
Good worker. Sad to see him go.

He's on the to Las Vegas.

Says he's gonna find himself
a new life away from his family

where he can be a little bit
of whatever he wants.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(SCREAMS)
-(TIRES SCREECH)

You don't want to
sit next to me. Nobody does.

(DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING)

Whoa, what happened here?

Oh, gross. It smells like
a Sharpie creampied a tire.

Oh no. Oh sh*t. Okay.
Apparently, it's years later here.

I guess time moves a lot faster
in the Jingleverse

than it does in the real world.

This isn't gonna work.

It's even less Christmassy
than before.

Maybe it's not so bad.
Look, there's Santa.

-(FLIES BUZZING)
-(ALL SCREAM)

(dog barking in distance)

(grunting)

Is that guy taking a sh*t? Eww.

-(MAN SCREAMING)
-(HISSING, SNARLING)

Hey, f*ck you.
Go hiss at someone else.

(growling)

Are you crazy?
Get in here. Hurry.

TERRY:
Who the hell were those guys?

Mutant Sinbads.

They roam the streets
searching for Turbo Man toys.

They're quick to v*olence
and prey on the weak.

Mutants? There can't be mutants
in a Christmas movie.

These are completely
shoehorned in.

Like that spider-t*nk
from the end of Wild Wild West.

(SCOFFS) We haven't celebrated
Christmas in years.

Not since Jamie took over.

Wait, that's our son.

All four of us aliens, we're his father.

I know it's a little confusing,
just go with it.

Well, you did a sh*t
job raising him.

Your son famously
hates Christmas.

He wanted to get rid of
any holiday activity

ever since you promised
to get him

a Turbo Man toy then
abandoned him.

It's all in his book.

Through his media empire
and immense wealth,

Jamie transformed this town
into an Escape From New York,

Children of Men,
Going on type dystopia.

Worst part is, he still
makes us have a Wintertainment Parade

at : p.m. on Christmas.

What a weirdly specific time.
And a terrible name for a parade.

It's canon, trust me.

Now the parade is filled
with mutants,

savages wearing mattresses,

and demented karate-chopping Santas.

You know, 'cause Jamie
did karate as a kid

and his dad worked as
a mattress salesman or some sh*t.

Wow. I've never met a more
backstory-explaining character in my life.

All characters
in the Jingleverse are shallow.

That's part of the movie's DNA.

I'm also stalling
so my friends can k*ll you

and help me cook your bodies.

Reavers, it's time to feast!

We have the meats.

Wait, why are you saying
the tag line from Arby's?

Do-do they still have Arby's
in the Jingleverse?

What the f*ck is an Arby's?
That's just what I say.

Stop! No, you don't have
to do this.

-(g*nshots)
-(SCREAMING)

I stole Jimmy Stewart's g*n
from It's a Wonderful Life.

Good stealing. Give me that.
You'll sh**t your eye out.

Alright, Korv, Christmas
is almost over. What's the plan?

I have an idea. It's a long sh*t,

and it sounded
really stupid way back at the beginning,

but if we want
our Christmas spirit back,

then we'll have to get Jamie
that Turbo Man toy.

Oh please. You really think
we can finish that plot

when everyone is trying
to eat each other?

We have to. Let's all spread out
and search for a Turbo Man.

Since when did Jimmy Stewart
have a g*n in that movie?

Everyone used to carry
a g*n back then.

Shirley Temple used
to keep one up her hoo-ha.

That's what
the song Lollipop is about.

YUMYULACK: Duh.
Everyone knows that.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(BELL TOLLING)

KORVO:
We're running out of time.

Meet back here in an hour.

And remember, don't forget
to spread the Christmas cheer.

(GROWLING)

Uh... M-merry Christmas.

I don't want a lot
for Christmas ♪

(ZOMBIES MOANING)

Ho ho ho!

Aah! Snowflakes, sugar plums,
uh, shitty orange chocolate.

I just want you for my own ♪

Oh! Oh, what fun it is

to ride on a one horse...
(HEAVES)

A one-horse open...
(HEAVES)

All I want for Christmas
is you ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

No way! Nobody wants me here.

-Everett.
-Dad?

Son, I love you. I am so sorry.

I... I thought you
didn't want me to be a little bit bi.

I was so wrong.

That was super-disgusting
and stupid of me.

Plus I found out Anna Paquin
is also a little bit bi,

and she's an integral part
of the X-Men.

You read my LiveJournal.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Did anybody find
a g*dd*mn Turbo Man?

I found a bunch of Turbo Women.

No, those suck.
They were just a cash grab.

This is stupid. Why
can't we just use

-our sci-fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?
-I already tried.

My D printer won't break copyright
unless we're in Guam.

(GROANS)
Let's just let the mutants eat us.

Better than living the
rest of our lives

without being merry or bright.

Argh! I wish I never
made us watch

stupid Jingle All the Way.

I should have picked
a regular Christmas movie,

like Die Hard or Gremlins
or Piranha D.

Shut the f*ck up, Terry.
We'd be in the exact same situation.

-Those aren't Christmas movies.
-They are too.

Any movie that takes place
on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.

I guess Piranha D doesn't.

(GASPS) It's Christmas right now.

Yeah, we get it. We're f*cked.

Aha! But we aren't.

We just have to finish any plot
with Jamie in it.

It will count as a Christmas movie
'cause it'll be on Christmas.

That doesn't seem right.
I-i-is that how it works?

Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have
to finish Jingle All the Way.

We just have to finish any story.

Then we'll end this thing
by apologizing to the little boy

for something we
did years ago

and save the f*ck out of Christmas.

(SHOTGUN CLICKS)

I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick
Everett out of the house

for being a little bit bi.

Gay, straight, any amount of bi,

I love him no matter what.

And I now believe everyone
should just be whoever they are.

That's what Christ would want.

-ALL: Amen.
-Thanks, Dad.

Don't thank me.

Thank this little blue stranger

for bringing our family together
for Christmas.

Is there anything in this world
I can give you

that even comes close
to what you've given me?

(INAUDIBLE)

Really?

And it's just locked up
in a child-proof cabinet?

Jamie lives up there,
in the penthouse.

He's clearly done well for himself.

-I'm so proud of our little boy.
-(KORVO GASPS)

(OMINOUS MARCHING BAND
MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNARLING, HISSING)

JESSE: Aw great,
it's the Christmas Parade.

That means it's : p.m.

We only have minutes
until Christmas is over.

I knew that time was specific
for a reason.

What are we gonna do?
They're parading right at us.

Put me on the naughty list, bitch.

ALL: Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Hey, I know you assholes.

Us? No, no, no, we're
just a couple

of demented karate-chopping
Santas. Hyah!

f*ck that sh*t.
We're gonna eat you.

Reavers, it's time to feast!
Where's the beef?

KORVO: Okay, you have to know
that tag line's from Wendy's.

It's-it's like the
most famous one.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL PANTING)

KORVO: I think we lost them.

Oh god, I got
some brain in my mouth.

(GAGS)

I'm seeing a lot of guards
with crazy-ass apocalypse weapons.

And one guy is jerking off
in the bathroom.

Jesus! He's really going to town.
He's fingering his own butt.

Damn it. We're so f*cked.

Guys who jerk off
are always stronger afterwards.

They're gonna find us, man.
We're running out of time.

-What are we gonna do?
-(KNIVES UNSHEATHING)

Plenty of time to carve
these fuckers new assholes

and get home in time
for hot cocoa.

The little alien girl is right.
We can do this.

No weapons?

I've been learning how to do

single blow death punches

as a Christmas surprise for you.

Terry, that is so thoughtful.

How did you know
I love overclocked martial arts movies?

I pay attention.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(SCREAMING)

(TECHNO "DANCE OF THE
SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL DINGS)

-(g*nshots)
-(MEN SCREAM)

(GROWLS)

(GROANS)

(GROWLING)

Jamie, your daddies are home.

And we're here to apologize,
you little angel.

(CACKLING)

(MACHINERY WHIRRING, CLANKING)

You're late, fathers.

Eighty years too late.

Eww. His body's as crooked
and deformed as his soul.

You've been making
Sinbad clones in here?

I'm disappointed in you, son.

We came here to apologize
for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.

I already have a Turbo Man.

I have all the Turbo Men.

I refuse your pathetic apology.

Where were you
when I needed a father?

Look, man, in a world
with infinite streaming options,

there just isn't any pressure
to finish watching what you start.

I only watched an episode
and a half of Umbrella Academy.

Could you just accept
our apology and stop being such a d*ck?

When you abandoned me,
I realized I could only rely on myself.

I built my empire and my army
of mutant clones to...

No one cares. We only have
one minute of Christmas left.

Just accept our apology
and finish this f*cking story.

Eat sh*t, Daddy. (CACKLING)

He's never gonna let us finish
our emotional journeys,

but we have to wrap something up here.

W-what do we do?

Jamie used to be such a good boy.

I can't believe he turned
into the bad gu...

Wait a minute.

Coming over to beg me more, Dad?

Oh sweetie, no.

I'm coming over to b*at the sh*t
out of the bad guy

and finish this damn movie.

-My tooth!
-(GASPS) My heart!

Oh my god, it's working.

Guys, Jamie's not
our loving son anymore.

He's the bad guy.

All we have to do is kick
this old man's d*ck into his ass,

and then we'll get
our spirits back.

She's right, that felt great.

Father. No!

I have the spirit
of Christmas again.

KORVO: I feel amazing.

NARRATOR: Against all odds,

each time the aliens struck
the withered old assh*le,

their hearts grew bigger
and bigger, filling with Christmas joy

until they were ready to burst.

This blood tastes
like Christmas.

I feel brimming
with huggy holiday jingle joy.

We all do, because we k*lled
our son as a family,

and doing things
as a family on Christmas

is the most Christmassy
Christmas sh*t of all.

I love you guys.

Do we really have
to watch the credits?

I don't know. Look at all
the sh*t that happened

after we bailed early last time.

Best to play it safe.

Rita Wilson had two assistants?

-How long are these credits?
-It can't be much longer.

It didn't seem like it took
too many people to make this thing.

Wait, wait, wait,
I think they're over.

Second Unit in Canada. Boo!

f*ck! Oh god!

You know, that might have been

a big, stupid, annoying,
stupid, shitty thing to do,

but in the end, I'm glad
we spent Christmas together.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

We learned that spending time
as a family

is more important than trying
to finish the plot of a 's comedy.

And if you think about it,
that was what Jingle All the Way

was trying to teach us all along.

(WHISTLING)

Damn it, how did the Pupa get
his Harry Potter whistle again?

Terry, I thought you locked it up
in the child-proof cabinets,

where we keep the poison darts.

I did, I did, I put it behind
the poison darts.

That song is so annoying.

You didn't even do any
of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.

-You're bad.
-How does he keep getting that thing?

Is he, like, out getting help?

Who would do that?
He can't even complete a full sentence.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMICKING LASER FIRE)
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