03x12 - A Sinister Halloween Scary Opposites Solar Special

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Solar Opposites". Aired: May 8, 2020 – present.*
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Centers around Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack — a family of aliens who crash land on Earth and are forced to stay there, often disagreeing on whether this is a good thing.
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03x12 - A Sinister Halloween Scary Opposites Solar Special

Post by bunniefuu »

Fa la la la la la Halloween!

Yeah!

Something about today feels special.
Halloween special, you know?

Hell, yeah!
This is gonna be scary as sh*t, yo.

- Ah!

- Not the plastic spiders!

Heel, Korvo! f*cking heel!

Geez, I thought we already resolved
Korvo's Rock-tober issues last year.

We reset at the end.

I'll always hate this spooky-ass month,
especially Halloween.

It's too spooky.

But we only put up decorations
we stole from the public library.

That's the least spooky place on earth.

Korvo, look around.

Kids love Halloween
and we love stuff kids love.

It's not that scary.

Do you like being stabbed
in the stomach?

That's how I feel about being spooked.

Tough ta-tas,
'cause Halloween's gonna be special,

and we're doing the sh*t.

No, please, just wait a day,

and we can do
Día de los Mia... Muertos like in Coco.

- Too late! We've already committed.

Planet Shlorp was
a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and replicants

were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an overpopulated planet.

That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.

I'm holding Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me? This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.

I don't get Halloween and holidays.

Don't people know time's an illusion,
this is a simulation,

and they're in chambers

hooked up to a machine
that's harvesting energy?

Who put glittery cobwebs
on the quantum defibrillator?

- Halloween alien!

No decorating the tech.

You're ruining all our awesome sci-fi
with this fantasy sh*t.

Halloween blows.

It's all magic and spells when
you could be doing science and math.

I think Yumyulack is trying to say

it's too haunting and spine-tingling.

What? No. That's stupid.

Everybody else's fun's nightmare fodder.

A regular hay ride
is already overwhelming.

Why does it have to be h-h-haunted?

Because it's fun.

- What about the Great Pumpkin?
- The what?

The spiritual gourd god of Halloween.

The Great Pumpkin
only shows himself to believers

who are full of October 31st spirit.

He comes to those who need him

and maybe brings toys,
gas station gift cards

and rolls of the finest silks.

Ugh, I'm literally nauseous
with fear right now.

Get me a bag. I need to barf.

Halloween is an ancient pagan tradition.

It's about letting your hair down,
then putting someone else's hair on top.

It's ridiculous.

If that was true
and Great Pumpkin existed,

I'd be terrified year round.

f*ck that creepy pumpkin Santa rip-off!

O, Great Pumpkin,
please forgive Korvo.

- He means not what he says.

- Ah!

No trick or treaters. Too scary!

Korvy, relax. It's way too early.

Hey, Randall.

Happy All Hallows.

Just swinging by to remind you

that this year's neighborhood theme
is Candy Corn Lane.

Every house is doing
their part to decorate.

- You're the king of the 'Ween, Rando.
- Thanks.

Have fun. But remember,

it's not a competition
because nobody can outdo my place.

I start my prep on November first.

You got it, baby.

Was it a Dracula, Terry?

I will lose my sh*t if it was a Dracula.

That was Randall,
the neighborhood Halloween guy.

Man, he's so cool.

The whole town lines up
to walk through his DIY haunted house.

In what world is that cool?

He spends thousands on decorations.

I heard he picked up
a shift at the asbestos plant

just to pay for his
set-quality Witcher costume.

Oh, please, please, please,

let us participate
in Candy Corn Lane this year.

- No. Denied.
- That's it.

I'm cashing in the blowjob coupon
you gave me for Valentine's.

You can't cross-pollinate holidays.

- That coupon's for sexual favors only.
- Or something of equal value.

You wrote the fine print.

Damn my obsession
with legally binding verbiage.

Fine. You can cash it in
for one spooky decoration.

What about one fake spiderweb
and half a hand job?

No, and what's half a hand job?
Two fingers and the base of the palm?

You'll never find out
unless you let me fill the air

with the funk of 40,000 years.

- No! Not the Thriller dance!

We need something cool
that Randall doesn't have.

The dude's got everything.

Hold the bone.
You see that cardboard coffin?

Cripes, we can do better than that.

Ugh, smells like all
101 dalmatians took a sh*t in here.

Whoa. Disney Standards and Practices
are already calling me?

To voicemail you go.

Ah!

Aisha, activate cauldron protocol.

Yeah.

You standing
way too close to that cauldron.

If either one of y'all fall in
and end up a toad,

I'm not kissing you back.

Don't stare.
A watched cauldron never toils.

Terry, shut up. You stupid.

Damn it. All this cheesy goth sh*t
is clashing with our whole aesthetic.

Grownups who like Halloween
are the horse girls of adults.

We get it. You have no personality.
So you fill the void with ghosts and...

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Aw, demons? Oh, please.

This is so lame.

Yumyulack!

Oh, great. I'm in hell?

What a waste of time.

Yumyulatch!

Bat wings. So scary.

I am a soldier of Hades.

I eat suffering!

I'm from space, you dork. I've seen
what lies beyond the universe's edge.

Horns aren't gonna move the needle.

Space is nothing

compared to the horrors
you will witness, Yumyulatch!

- That's not how you pronounce my name.
- By day's end you will...

Did I accidentally
go to suburban mom hell?

I'm waiting for Tim Burton
to pop out with a swirly umbrella.

You will know fear, Yumyulatch.

Not my name.

Silence!

Ugh. So spooky.

Can't sleep.

I'll just heat up some nice Italiano.

Nothing spooky about risotto.

This thing takes forever.

- Come on.
- Anthony was a simple tailor.

But he soon found
that you reap what you sew.

Korvo, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, calm down, boo.
- Don't call me boo.

There's a f*cking ghoul downstairs.

Let's call someone to bust a ghost.

Who we gonna call? A fireman?

We're not calling anyone.
That's just our crypt keeper.

- What?
- We dug up

a body from a graveyard

and used dark sci-fi magic
to bring it to life.

Pretty sweet, right?

No, it's not sweet.

Get it out of my house.
I-I-It's scary as hell.

Sorry. He's our one decoration.

That's not a decoration. He talks.

He doesn't do anything.
Which means he's a decoration.

We're following your rules.
Honor the coupon.

Fine. I know how litigious you can be.

Axe throwing bar
learned the hard way.

So, we can keep him?

Ugh, yes. I don't want to see him again.

In this rich tale,
a banker will cash his last check.

- What's he talking about?

He's a crypt keeper. He tells
pun-filled anthological scary stories.

That's what they do.

- How many does he have?
- I don't know. A lot?

This NASCAR racer

was driven to win.

Well, girls and ghouls,

this plumber's story
is dripping with irony.

- Ooh!

Hey, you can look, but no touch.

Where did you get this?

Move along. One story per viewer.

It's working.

We're even more popular than Randall.

He reminds me of my nana,
whose grave was recently robbed.

Would you look at that?
Somebody took my advice.

Great job.
You gotta show that bad boy off.

Great idea, Randall.

Hallo-montage, here we come.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
just like dead bodies.

Wait, where's Yumyulack?

He'd love to be
making fun of us right now.

Backyard. In Hell!

Aw! Listen to that word salad.

That CoComelon subscription
is totally paying off.

Finally, something to distract me.

I could almost kiss
this Pretend-O-Deck for breaking down.

Oh, thank you, Yumyulack.
Can you hand me the...

Nice and easy.

- Nathaniel was a sea captain...

...who had a sinking feeling
he would drown in debt.

- That's f*cking it.

Somebloody once told me
the world is gonna skull me.

I ain't the sharpest ghoul in the dead.

Wait, was that Smash Mouth?

- Tell me your longest story.

Don't worry, I'm listening.
Just keep talking.

Jamal was a deep sea diver
who was always feeling the pressure.

But if he thought running
a small business was hard,

his final dive would prove to be
the most crushing of all.

What a beautiful day.
Anyone up for a round of cornhole?

We can cool down afterwards
with 32oz mang-a-go-go fatties at Jamba?

- No, this is bad.
- What's going on?

We don't know where Crypt Keeper is.

We looked everywhere.
I'm f*cking freaking out.

I think he might be lost.

I'm, uh, certain he'll show up.
Did you check the trash?

Seems to pop out of there.

Of course, I checked.

The back door was open.

Crypty must've shuffled out when we were
snoozing off all those 100 Grand bars.

Oh! He's probably scared and alone.

No crypt to keep, no people to creep.

Let's calm down, take a deep breath.

Maybe watch an episode of the
Whose Line Is it Anyway? reboot.

How do they still not know
whose line it is?

We gotta keep looking!

- Crypt Keeper?
- Crypt Keeper!

- Come out, boy. Come on out.
- Crypt Keeper!

I'm sure he ran off to some other place
where he wanted to be instead of here.

Maybe let's forget
you ever had a crypt keeper

and everything'll go to normal.

I don't want it to be normal!

- Where have you gone?

My baby boy, my boy!

- Here, boy.
- Come on!

- Crypty!
- Crypty, where are you?

How many lost fliers
do people usually print?

A thousand? Ten thousand?

Most people do 5,000.

Give us 100,000!

- Whoa!

Have you guys not updated
your t*rture techniques in centuries?

Word of your impudence
has spread through the fiery realm.

Thanks for the update.
Is there WiFi here?

No, but you won't have time
to browse the web

when you're cowering before

the Necro-Kraken!

I think I saw this thing
in a '90s Mortal Kombat movie.

This is what sinners are supposed
to be afraid of? Boring.

- What should we do?
- Make him

- push a rock up a flaming hill.
- He'll just make fun of us.

Then we'll cross that bridge
when we get to it.

- Crypty.

I really thought your interest
in Crypt Keeper was superficial,

like when you bought that robot dog.

But it really seems like
you loved that dusty freak.

We do love him.

And now he's probably dead. Again.
Or double dead.

I'm not in a good head space.

Wait, what happened to the robot dog?

Is I-Pooch missing too?

Who knows? I definitely don't know.

How about we go to the cemetery
and exhume another corpse?

- It won't be the same.
- Please, Korvo.

Do an anthological story at us.

Uh, once upon a time, there was

- Star Wars.
- Do the voice.

A man named Lucasfilm...

- It's not the same!

Not your eyes! Be careful!

Crypt Keeper.

I'm here to collect you.

I always intended on coming back,
so you can come out now.

- Crypt Keeper?

I wish somebody had a pun-filled story
to tell me

about a haunted baseball team.

- Crypt Keeper, get out here!

I'm not sticking around
in this creepy-ass forest.

Holy sh*t.
Crypt Keeper must've hobbled here,

attracted to Randall's
disgusting, spooky house.

I'll go explain the situation.

He'll understand. He's a businessman.

Oh! Friendly ghosts!
O, Shlorpian grey gods, watch over me.

- Ahhh!

- f*ck this.

Hey, bud! Whassup?

Remember?

Ah! Pharaoh, stay away!

- Oh. Randall.
- What can I do you for?

I think you'll find this amusing.

There's been a hilarious mix-up,
and I believe you have our crypt keeper.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I had no idea. Of course.

Come in.
We'll straighten this thing out.

How about you bring him out

and I'll stay where there
aren't cotton webs.

I don't decorate inside,

and I'm going
to need a hand bringing him out.

He's dead weight, you know?

Oh! An uninspired, bare living room
with a lackluster use of shades of gray.

It's like a Crate & Barrel
showroom in here.

I-I-I can finally be at peace.

Is that
a Restoration Hardware enema machine?

I've had my eye on one of those.

Damn it. What're you doing?

No use struggling, Korvo.

I googled kidnapping knots.

So they're not coming loose.

What is this, some Halloween trick?

To be honest, Korvo,
I f*cking hate Halloween.

I hate the kids and the costumes.

I'm even allergic to SweeTARTS.

But I love the money these rubes pay me

to walk through a stupid cardboard maze.

You're a poser?

Oh, yeah, big time.

And now, with a crypt keeper
and a real dead alien skeleton,

I'll have enough buzz to keep
this honeypot running year round.

Randall, come on. Don't k*ll me.
We both hate Halloween.

We're on the same side.

- Help! Somebody help me!

No one's going to hear you
over my haunted house CD.

Randall, you son of a bitch! Let me go!

Once there was a flight attendant...

Oh! Shut up!

- Ooh!

That's my delivery
of 10,000 black lightbulbs

for the haunted light show.

Be right back. Not that you have
anywhere to go.

f*ck you, Randall. f*ck you.

Thirty slays hath September...

Cram it, Keeper!

Terry, Jesse, look!

We should put half of these
Lost Crypt Keeper signs

up in the backyard, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm back here all the time.
Tons of foot traffic.

Look.

That's right. We won't stop looking
until Crypty's home.

God, I miss him so much.
I can almost smell him.

Damn it! He googled
the sh*t out of these, all right.

Crypt Keeper, listen.

If we lean away from each other
at the same moment,

- I think we can...
- Knock, knock.

Who's scare?

A dead bride!

f*ck, it's no use.

If I hadn't been too busy
being a Halloween humbug,

I could have seen this coming.

I wish I could go back
and like this stupid holiday.

The Great Pumpkin.

If only he was real.

f*ck it. It can't hurt.

O, Great Pumpkin, hear my prayer.

I know I've talked a lot of sh*t,
but I'm at All Hallow's rock bottom.

I believe in you, Great Pumpkin.
I do. I believe.

Help me, o, Holy Orange One!

Help me, please.

Wowie! Sounds like someone in here
is ready for Halloween.

Oh, my God, no way.

The Great Pumpkin. Y-Y-You're real.

I heard your haunted prayers, Korvo.

I can tell that you believe.

I-I-I'm sorry I doubted you.
I can't believe you're really here.

I'm always right here.

Please free us.

There's a Halloween impostor who's
trying to k*ll me and Crypt Keeper.

Korvo, it's okay to be scared.

Just remember,

Halloween isn't
all about goblins and ghouls.

By adorning our homes
with pagan symbols of death

and wearing masks,

we set free the artifice from our lives
and connect with our primal truth.

To be afraid is to be alive.

You know what?
You're absolutely right.

Thank you.

No problem. Now I have to go.

A little boy in Indiana is praying
for candy and to see his daddy again.

Goodbye, Korvo. And Happy Hallo...

- Stop. What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I had no choice.

Drop the... Give me that!

Don't judge me, Crypt Keeper.

A long tomb a-ghoul,
in a galaxy scar, scar a-slay...

Keep your mouth shut
and we might survive.

I mean, I'll survive
and you'll keep being whatever you are.

The quick brown fox
jumps over the lazy... poison!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, God damn it!

Ice princess!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

What the...

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Korvo, you're f*cking dead, you hear me?

You'll never find your way out of my
family-friendly haunted walk-through.

Not so indifferent now, are we?

How is there so much talking in hell?

All these check-ins are
revealing how insecure you are.

Turn the handle.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's making the plant fiber
I have instead of a spine

feel better than it has in years.

- f*ck.
- Hey, it's okay.

You don't know
how to t*rture an alien.

If torments of flesh do not affect you,
we have other ways.

How would you feel seeing
your mother devoured by a wolf?

I don't have a mom.

I was grown from a clipping
in a bucket of dirt.

A clipping?

Like a tiny piece of Korvo,
my team leader.

- I'm a replicant.

We usually just deal
with humans and r*cist dogs.

Sometimes dolphins.

You leave us no choice.

Your misery will be orchestrated
by the Dark Lord himself.

Satan!

That's a good spot,
keep torturing that, right there.

I know you're in here.

This is the final stop
of my walk-through.

And your life, too.

- Here's a deadly ditty

- about a shock jock...
- Shut up.

...with a graveyard shift.

- Shut up!

- Korvo!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Randall, b-be reasonable.

k*lling me, in some states,
would be considered m*rder.

This is my life now!

The Monster Mash all year!

Kids will force their parents
to come here every single day.

And I'll only owe

Sarah Lawrence College another $135,000.

Not if I carve you up.

You like that?

Randall. Randall, no.

- Randall.

Did... Did you just say my name?

Here's a tale about Randall,

a little boy from Northeast Michigan

who lost his sense of wonder.

Hey, how do you know where I grew up?

Randall didn't realize

that when your whole personality
is being the Halloween guy,

you only really get to live
one night a year.

Time passes.

Halloween is no longer
a marker of change,

but a symptom of stagnation.

The leaves fall,
your friends grow up and start families.

But Randall remains the same.

Like a decoration.

All form and no function.

A living death.

Is the guy in the story me?

Oh, Randall thought he was...

...to his coworkers,

who warned him
those programs were too competitive

and never spent the time
getting that MFA.

He wasted years and thousands of dollars
on a useless diploma.

Oh! Crypt Keeper,
what you said, it's all true.

I've strayed so far
from who I used to be.

I was ready to pin my neighbor to
a board and put him in a display case.

We've all done it, bro.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

I think I'm done with all this.

I'm going to take my camper van
and drive west.

Maybe open an empanada stand
close to the beach.

Crypty, I... I owe you an apology.

I thought you had no idea
what was going on, but I was wrong.

You're a good guy.

Gather around
to hear the tale of Jonathan,

who loved his harmonica.

Well, that one wasn't scary.

The harmonica was made of bones!

Terry, Jesse, come here.

Leave us. We're wallowing.

- I found Crypt Keeper.

He must have wandered
back into the house.

- Crypty!
- Crypty!

He's just as dusty as I remember.

Mwah! What a cutie!

Speaking of forestry,

this next one is about
a lumberjack with a splitting headache.

Yeah, boy, spin us that story.

Now Crypt Keeper's back,
you can stop being sad

and we can get to doing
fun classic alien things we love.

- Like repairing the ship.
- Don't ruin this.

Group hug time.

It has to last longer than 20 seconds
or we're starting over.

Pupa, come on. Get in on this.

Yumyulack!

Yumyulack what?

Oh, sh*t. You're scared of this guy.

Master, this impudent...

Silence! You have failed me.

This creature has descended
the levels of my infernal kingdom

without any remorse or fear.

Oh, sh*t! That was awesome.

I'm actually starting
to sort of respect you,

and, by extension,
Hell as an institution.

At last, you comprehend my power.

Look at their crushed asses.
This is so cool.

I think I kind of understand the appeal
of Halloween and fantasy sh*t now.

Embrace this seed of doubt, Yumyulack.

Let it blossom,

and you can serve at my side.

Wow, maybe...
Maybe sci-fi isn't the sexiest genre.

What's happening? What's that beam?

Oh, sh*t.

My family is
bringing me back from the dead

because they're sci-fi as f*ck, baby!

All this stupid hell sh*t is derivative,
including you, you big bitch!

Stop that!

- Get back here!

Suck my sci-fi, Satan!

We're sorry we didn't
realize you were dead.

We're used to you heading
to Florida during Halloween.

How was Hell?

I don't know.
I wasn't really paying attention.

Wait. You used a cauldron in the ship
to make a crypt keeper?

Glad I missed that.

Way too magical for my taste.

Now, now, Yumyulack,
magic isn't always bad.

I met the Great Pumpkin and he's real.

- Oh, really?
- And definitely still alive.

I hope he visits me one day.

He certainly will, Terry.
He certainly will.

What?

Terry, did you put up 10,000 fliers
promising money and free blowjobs

- to anyone who brought us a corpse?
- Yes. Pourquoi?

Well, you better break out
the chapstick.

It's gonna be a long night.

A long night.
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