04x25 - Old Tree

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Northern Exposure". Aired: July 12, 1990 – July 26, 1995.*
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Series follows the eccentric residents of a fictional small town in Alaska.
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04x25 - Old Tree

Post by bunniefuu »

See it, Ed?

Titleist three, right?

As opposed to all the
other duffer's golf balls.

Look at this place, a person
doesn't need a nine iron...

they need a machete,
a plow.

Well, I don't have
one of those in the bag.

I could, maybe, come up
with a rake or something.

You ever see a real
golf course, Ed? Nope.

Well, let me tell you, the Westchester
Country Club is perfect. Exquisite.

Every blade of grass looks
like it had a personal haircut.

Head down, follow through.

That's not bad,
considering the lie.

Good for you,
Dr. Fleischman.

You know who's teeing off
at Westchester right now?

I'll bet Andy Olstein.

The guy squeaked through
cardio residency.

Now he's hooked up with some
pulmonary thief in Long Island...

pulling in $200,000 a year.

I don't have a clue
what to do here.

Give me a wedge. Ed?

Wedge.

Oh. Sorry, Dr. Fleischman.

What are you staring at?

Ootockalockatuvik.
She doesn't look quite right.

Come again.

Ootockalockatuvik.

Well, Vicky for short.

Ootockalocka what?

It's the tree. Old Vicky.

You're saying that
this tree has a name...

is that it?
And its name is Vicky?

Yup. And she just
doesn't look quite right.

Well, why is that?

Well...

look at that knot right
there that's oozing goo.

And the branches, too.
They look kind of tired.

And look right here
at the leaves.

They shouldn't be all dried and cracked
and crunchy around the edges like that.

Yeah, right.
Because it's springtime.

Exactly.

I think she's really,
really sick, Dr. Fleischman.

Calm down, Ed. Her name
might be Vicky, but it's...

This is a tree, you know?

Dr. Fleischman, this is Old
Vicky. She's been around forever.

Longer than Uncle Anku.
Way before One Who Waits.

Way before anybody, really.

Lucky to have longevity
in her genes.

Nothing beats
a good set of genes.

I don't think it's possible
to get a good lie out here.

All these animal holes
and frost cracks.

Damn it!

Ed, Ed.

Hey, Ed!

Ed, we got four holes left.

Ed! Hello!

Hey, Chris.
I got a package for you.

A package for me?
Mmm-hmm.

No way! No way!

What is it?

What is it?
It's spontaneity.

It's mobility.
It's freedom. It's...

It's a headset.
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

You know, sitting in
that booth everyday...

I started feeling like...

Like Prometheus, you know,
chained to that rock...

eagle pecking at my liver.

You know, stuck, glued.
I mean...

did that confinement
box my thoughts?

You bet it did.

And now, I'm free to roam,
everybody. Stevens unbound!

Whoa! Here, will you sign
here, please? You betcha.

You here for breakfast,
Maggie?

Hey, Holling. Look, I bought hibiscus
for Shelly's morning sickness.

Well, thank you.

But I'm not sure
she needs it now.

I mean, she woke up
this morning happy as a jay.

Warbling like
a red-breasted nuthatch.

Warbling?
Yeah, you know, singing?

Singing every word
out of her mouth.

No.
No kidding?

"I woke up this morning"

"without any warning"

"a song was there
in my bod"

Morning, Shel.

"I started to sing"

"about everything"

"Bacon, toast
and fried cod"

Order up.

"Now that I've found it"

"I just got to sound it"

"Gotta sing, gotta sing"

"Gotta sing, gotta sing"

"Oh, yeah"

Thank you.

"I always dreamed that
I'd find my true stud"

"He wouldn't be ditzy,
a creep or a crud"

"I'd be steady, hot, juicy,
with a bod that won't quit"

"Give the dude what he
wanted, and plenty of it"

"I've been heading
this way all of my life"

"to be the stud-of-all-stud's
stand-up wife"

Order up!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, ow!"

"A chick in the trailer
in Saskatoon"

"I partied with Tammy
and I prayed to the moon"

"to win Northwest Passage
and never go back"

"for my bod and my talent,
to be picked from the pack"

"I've been heading this way
all of my life"

"to be the stud-of-all-stud's
stand-up wife"

Oh, Shelly.

"To be the stud-of-all-stud's
knocked-up wife"

"I break for loving
on the highway of life"

"That's how I got to be me"

"A ring, a husband,
a bun in the oven"

"What's more
a chick gotta be"

"Saw the Big H,
it was love at first sight"

"So I checked out his buns
and man were they tight"

"I walked up and told him,
I'm Shelly Marie"

"I found you at last,
my true destiny"

"I've been heading this way
all of my life"

"to be the stud-of-all-stud's
stand-up wife"

"To be the stud-of-all-stud's
knocked-up wife"

Hello, Ruth-Anne. Gents. Maurice.

Give me a couple rolls
of fax paper, Ruth-Anne.

All right.
My broker's all hot...

on some grazing land
outside of Flagstaff.

What you got there, Ed?
A leaf?

One of Old Vicky's.

Ed and Dr. Fleischman were
golfing on your back pasture...

and these leaves were
all over the ground.

Is that a fact?
Yup.

And she had a big runny sore coming
out of her trunk, too, Maurice.

And her limbs
were all droopy.

No kidding.
Let me see that.

She doesn't look good,
Maurice. Not good at all.

Well, well,
well, well, well.

Don't go calling the
toothpick factory yet, Maurice.

Did I say anything?
You didn't have to.

Ruth-Anne,
we all have our lifespans...

and that old tree has
outlived hers thrice over.

No thanks to you.

Gents.

Bye, Maurice.

Hey, Fleischman.

Are those blood samples
ready?

I got a couple of petro-geologists
to pick up in Wrangell.

Hey. Why don't you just grab a
seat? I'm running a little behind.

All right.

I know I said they'd be ready by 2:00. I
just got a little backed up this morning.

No problem.

What?

What?

All right. Fine. I was
playing golf this morning.

If you have to know,
I was playing golf.

Fine.

You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.

It's 2:15. Are these guys
going to have a conniption...

if they have to wait
five more minutes?

Fleischman,
I didn't say anything.

Well, obviously, you're standing
there, you're thinking it.

No, I wasn't.

Tell you something, if I
didn't have golf up here...

they'd be sending me to
Bellevue in a straitjacket...

with a rag
stuffed in my mouth.

Oh, God, Fleischman.
You're such a jerk.

Oh, I'm a jerk?

Yes, you're a jerk
with a capital "J."

Let me tell you something,
O'Connell...

you don't have a clue
who I am.

You think this is me? This
isn't me. Me, I wouldn't be here.

I would be back in New York
where I belong...

doing things
that I want to do...

with people that I want to be
doing them with.

I wouldn't be in this stupid
backwater with this stupid practice.

What's going on in this
stupid, ill-equipped office?

Now, that was stupid.

I think I broke something.

You know, that was a stupid,
jerky thing to do, Fleischman...

but totally predictable.

All right, everybody.
Behinds to seats back there.

Now, let's get this
blanket stitched.

This meeting
has been called...

by the Cicely
steering committee...

re: the old cottonwood
out on my back pasture.

Now, granted...

if you live in a place
300 odd years...

you're gonna make some friends.
But that's not the point here.

The point is that that
tree is on its last legs.

I say, the tree is a menace
and she's got to come down.

Not so fast, Minnifield.

Now, you know that
that cottonwood...

is a state historic landmark.

A state historic landmark.

You just made that up,
Springer, out of spite.

Nice try, Minnifield.

We all know why he wants
that old tree out of the way.

So he can put up some corrugated
eyesore to store his tractors in.

You can't even see that tree,
Springer. It's a half a mile away.

I don't care
how far away it is.

I can see it fine
from the roof of my barn.

You know, Minnifield, I bet
you poisoned Old Vicky...

and that is the reason
she's sick.

You little six-toed ferret.

Hey, hey, hey.
Maurice, Ivory...

Hold your water.

We don't even know if
Ootockalockatuvik is dying.

That's a good point,
Ruth-Anne.

We, maybe, ought to
get a professional man...

to take a look
before we put a* to wood.

All right, all right. If that's
what it's going to take...

to get you sentimental
Sallies off the dime, fine.

We'll get a professional man.
Fleischman.

What?

I want you to go out and
have a look-see at that tree.

Why me?

Because
you're the town doctor.

Yeah, I'm the doctor. I don't
know anything about trees.

Well, let us decide that.
We paid for your education.

Let us use it
the way we see fit.

Yeah, but, Maurice-
My house.

0900. Be there.

Town dismissed.

KBHR bulletin board.
Vicky Support Group...

meets Thursday noon
in Cheryl Cornwall's parlor.

Cappuccinos and gingersnaps,
reminiscence and reflections.

Bring photos 'cause Cheryl's
working on a scrapbook.

Hey, there goes
my good buddy J.C. Cole.

What is it
about genus arboretum...

that socks us in the figurative
solar plexus? We see...

a logging truck go cruising
down the road...

stacked with a bunch
of those fresh-cut giants...

we feel like we've lost a
brother. Next thing you know...

we're in The Brick, we're
flopping money on the bar. Wood.

We're under a roof. Wood.
We're walking the floors. Wood.

Grabbing a pool cue.
That's wood.

You know, our friends
in the forest carry...

a set of luggage from the
mythical baggage carousel.

Tree of Life, Tree of
Knowledge, Family Tree...

Buddha's Bodhi Tree.

Page one of life,
"In the beginning. "

Genesis 3:22.

Adam and Eve, they're kicking
back in the Garden of Eden and...

Boom!
They get an eviction notice.

Why is that?

"Lest they should take also of the
Tree of Life, eat, and live forever. "

A definitive Yahweh no-no.

Be good to yourselves, Cicely. Go
out and plant a wet one on a tree.

Hey, Dr. Fleischman.

Well, there's your patient,
Fleischman.

Look, let's get one thing
straight, okay?

Under no stretch of the
imagination is this a patient. Okay?

We're dealing with a tree
here. Let's just be clear.

We're aware of that, Joel.

Look, it's just a formality,
Fleischman.

A blind man can see this
tree's not gonna make it.

Zip it, Minnifield.
That's for the kid to decide.

Yes, Joel. What do you think?
Is Old Vicky gonna make it?

You really want to know
what I think?

All right, fine.

I'll tell you what I think.

See something, Doc?

Well, I'm not sure, but right
here on the epidermal layer...

Bark, I mean...

is a rather large keloid, which
is an exuberance of scar tissue.

And by the size of it...

it's indicating a fairly
serious laceration or injury.

Lightning. Summer of '82.

Tell me, does anyone
know about this cavity?

Is it congenital or acquired?

It's always been there,
Joel.

Uh-huh.

Is Ootockalockatuvik dying,
Joel?

I really...
I just I can't be sure.

Come on, Fleischman, get off
the fence. What's the verdict?

Is Vicky firewood or not?

The thing is, I really...
I don't...

I can't make
a prognosis here.

Why the hell not?

I told you why not. I don't
know anything about trees.

I'm an internist,
not a horticulturist.

I'm sorry. I really... It's not
my specialty. It's not my fault.

It's just that I don't
know anything about trees.

So, Fleischman throws
this doozy of a tantrum.

He says he's a jerk
'cause he's in Alaska.

Believe me, he'd be the same
stupid jerk on Park Avenue.

"So you were nice
and normal to Doctor F"

"And he acted like a jerk"

"And you think
if you're nice"

"then he should be nice,
but, Maggie"

"I don't think it'll work"

No? Why not?

"Like the lady with the
snake, he's just like he is"

"And that's how
it's gonna be"

Huh.

"On her way to work
one morning"

"down the path
alongside the lake"

"a tenderhearted woman"

"saw a poor
half-frozen snake"

"His pretty colored skin"

"had been all frosted
with the dew"

"Poor thing, she cried,
I'll take you in"

"And I'll take care of you"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"Take me in,
for heaven's sake"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"sighed the snake"

What happened after that?

"She wrapped him up
all cozy"

"in a comforter of silk"

"And laid him
by her fireside"

"with honey and some milk"

"She hurried home
from work that night"

"and as soon as
she arrived"

"she found
that pretty snake"

"she'd taken in
had been revived"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"Take me in,
for heaven's sake"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"sighed the snake"

Hmm.

"She clutched him
to her bosom"

"You're so beautiful,
she cried"

"But if I hadn't
brought you in"

"by now
you might have d*ed"

"She stroked
his pretty skin again"

"And kissed
and held him tight"

"Instead of saying thanks"

"the snake gave her
a vicious bite"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"sighed the snake"

"I saved you,
cried the woman"

"and you've bitten me,
but why?"

"You know your bite
is poisonous"

"and now I'm gonna die"

"Oh, shut up,
you silly woman"

"said the reptile,
with a grin"

"You knew damn well
I was a snake"

"before you took me in"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"Take me in,
for heaven's sake"

"Take me in, tender woman"

"sighed the snake"

Hey, Fleischman.
Got a minute?

No, I don't.

Would you like help
with that?

Doing just fine
without you, O'Connell.

Okay. Good.

Good.

Yeah?

Fleischman, you remember when
I was in your office yesterday...

and you had
one of your little snits?

Please, O'Connell.
Leave it alone, all right?

I have a fractured foot.
Is that not enough for you?

No, look, Fleischman,
what I'm trying to say is...

I realize
what the problem is.

And it's not you.
It's me.

I realize
that all this time...

I've had these unrealistic
expectations of you.

And you're not doing anything.
You're just being you, you know?

That's who you are.
You can't help it.

Oh, I really appreciate
the sentiment.

See,
now you're being sarcastic.

But that's okay.
That's all right, Fleischman.

'Cause that's you.
That's who you are.

And I don't have to react. I
don't have to take it personally...

and I don't have to be
any different than who I am.

Would you like me to get
something for that?

I'll take care of it.
Thanks.

'Cause, see,
I am who I am, you know?

I'm just a nice, regular,
everyday person.

And I don't know
how it happened...

but I've got into some very
unhealthy patterns with you.

It's not your fault, 'cause see, I don't
have to react to every little thing.

I don't have to get defensive.
I don't have to get angry.

What are you talking about?

Well, just, Fleischman,
that I'm me and you're you.

And even if you're not nice,
I am.

Let me ask you something...

where do you get off,
coming into my house...

and making these two-bit pronouncements
about who's nice and who isn't nice?

I'm perfectly nice.
I am nice. I am kind.

I help people.
People who need me.

I'm perfectly nice.
I'm an educated man.

I am intelligent, I am funny.

I can be a lot of fun. So,
don't come in here and tell me...

who's nice and who isn't,
all right?

"Attach stabilizer
bar "J"...

"to crib ends "N" and "J"...

"using four machine screws. "

Here they are.
Thank you, Walt.

Pretty voice.
Yeah.

Hey, read me what comes next
on there, will you?

"Attach eight track as shown
with the slotted holes...

"to the bottom
of the crib ends. "

"You guys got the munchies,
I'll bring you a snack"

No, thanks, Shell.
I'm not hungry, Shelly.

But if you take requests,
I'd like to hear Tangerine.

"Tangerine"

You're lucky. You get to
hear this all the time.

I'll tell you
the truth, Walt.

Anyone can get too much
of a good thing.

Shelly never stops. She opens
her mouth, out comes a song.

I can't even have a simple
conversation with her.

Pass the salt. What's on
the grill? Looks like rain.

Everything becomes
a regular opera.

Did you ask her to stop?
I did.

It was as useless as asking
a parakeet to stop chirping.

She can't help herself. She just
sings whether she wants to or not.

Can I confide in you, Walt?
Sure, Holling.

I know that Shelly's only been
warbling like this for a few days.

I know it's selfish of me...

but I've begun to crave
a simple turn of phrase.

A sentence without a melody.

Someone I can talk with.

If Shelly keeps on like this,
I don't know what I'll do.

"Her heart belongs
to Tangerine"

"Yes, she has them
all on the run"

"The trees indeed
have hearts.

"With a certain affection, the sun
seems to send its farewell ray...

"far and level over
the copses to them, and...

"they silently receive
it with gratitude...

"like a group of settlers
with their children.

"The pines
impress me as human.

"A slight vaporous cloud
floats high over them, while...

"in the west the sun
goes down apace behind...

"glowing pines...

"and golden clouds like
mountains skirt the horizon. "

Nobody could turn a phrase
like old Hank Thoreau, huh?

More from him in a minute.

Hey, mi jefe, what's up?

Got a proposition for
you, Stevens. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I know how much
you make behind that mike...

and I figured you might be able
to use a couple extra dollars.

Well, that's no lie.
Come the end of the month...

I'm usually scrounging
for quarters in the sofa.

After Fleischman
signs off on Old Vicky...

I'm gonna need somebody
to take her down.

I thought you might
like the job.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know,
that's a pretty big job.

You know, you might want to
get some pros on that.

Well, to tell you
the truth, Stevens...

you weren't the first one I
thought of to wield the chainsaw...

but all the regular
lumber crews are busy...

and I'm not gonna be able to get
anybody for at least a few days...

maybe a week.
A week?

A week doesn't sound
that long.

You don't know
how emotionally attached...

the people in this town
are to Old Vicky. I mean...

it's like when
Granny passes away.

You lay her out in the
parlor for a couple of days...

but then you've got to
plant her in the ground.

Let people get on
with their lives.

Out of sight, out of mind.
Yeah, something like that.

I like power tools, Maurice.
You know that.

All that harnessed v*olence
just throbbing in my hands.

Not to mention
the wanton vandalism.

I mean, reducing to sawdust
in a few minutes...

what took hundreds
of years to create.

Yeah.

And artistically, I mean,
we're talking about...

some heavy-duty
deconstruction here.

You know, the absence of form
in a reality plane...

All right, well,
we got a deal, then.

I'll pay you $2 a board foot.
You bring your own hardhat.

No, Maurice.
We don't have a deal.

What do you mean?

Well, intellectually,
it would be a gas, but...

the fact of the matter is, I read
Heidegger in the shade of that tree.

Heidegger? Being and
Time. His masterpiece.

Authentic existence,
inauthentic existence.

So, you're not going to
do it, huh?

I wouldn't feel right
cutting Old Vicky down.

But, I do appreciate
your offer.

More tree books.

Which ones?

"Control of White Pine
Nematodes"...

and "Pathological Anatomy
of Leaf Spots. "

What about the "Fungal Disease
Guide for Deciduous Trees"?

No. I asked for the "Fungal
Disease Guide for Deciduous"-

It's on loan.

This is absolutely
ridiculous.

I'll tell you something.

Botany aside, I should not
be put in this position.

This is crazy. I'm a physician.
I have a sworn duty to heal.

They're asking me to sign the
death sentence on Old Vicky here.

I'm supposed to
pull the plug.

I know,
what do you care, right?

Because once she's
whittled into firewood...

you'll be able to sleep
at night.

You're not going to be sitting
here with a sliver of doubt...

wondering is there
just a chance, you know...

a sliver of hope, that
this tree might pull through.

If only we wait...

and do whatever
you do to trees.

Prune or spray
or some soil amendments.

What?

Your hand hurt?

Yes, my hand hurts.
It hurts more than my foot...

which I didn't think
was conceivably possible.

"Hello, Dr. Fleischman?"

"Sorry to be a butt-in-ski,
but I need to see you"

All right. Marilyn...

there's a gastroenterologist.

His name is Lipkis. He has a
brother who has a tree group in L.A.

It's TreePeople. Yeah.

Why don't you
give them a call?

See if they can tell you
where to get...

the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous
Trees. " All right? L.A., TreePeople.

"Just let me have
that paper-towel dress"

"I'll get changed
in a jiffy"

"a minute or less"

Shelly, I don't think
you need a gown.

What I need to do
is a throat culture...

so why don't you
just have a seat?

"Throat culture? You're
gonna look in my mouth"

"Hey, I gotta tell you,
the baby"

"she's much further south"

"I mean,
that's why I'm here"

"For my prenatal checkup"

"My feet in the stirrups,
my pee in a cup"

You're not here because of
this singing thing?

"Hey, I figure it's like
hiccups or gas"

"You know what they say,
this too will pass"

Well, actually,
you know, I'm not...

I'm not sure it'll pass,
Shelly.

I mean, I've never seen or
heard anything quite like this.

"I don't like
the look on your face"

"It's bumming me out"

"I thought I was happy,
but now I don't know"

"You're making me feel
like a major weirdo"

All right, look,
let's not get too worried.

How about,
I'll do the prenatal...

and then, we'll get the throat
culture a little later. Okay?

Is that all right? Okay.

Forgive me, but there's
a gown in that cabinet.

I'll go outside
and let you change.

Okay, Chris.
Three, two, one...

go.

Hooey, Cicely.
This is Chris on KBHR...

continuing today's
arbor theme program...

live and on the scene
from Old Vicky herself.

Let's keep on trucking with the
most famous resident of Walden Pond.

This selection
from The Maine Woods.

"I have been
into the lumber yard...

"and the carpenter's shop,
and the tannery, and...

"the lampblack-factory, and
the turpentine clearing...

"but when at length I saw
the tops of the pines...

"waving and reflecting
the light at a distance...

"high over the rest
of the forest-"

Ed, that's Thoreau.
Why did you turn it off?

Ed?

Yes, Ruth-Anne?
Are you all right?

I did a terrible thing,
Ruth-Anne.

Have you ever seen
that movie I Confess?

No, I don't believe I have.

Well, Montgomery Clift
plays this priest.

And late one evening,
a parish employee stops by...

to confess
he's m*rder*d a man.

Ed, what does any of that
have to do with you?

Oh, well. See, Ruth-Anne,
it's like this.

About two years ago, I was lying
beneath Ootockalockatuvik...

with my girlfriend
at the time, Lightfeather.

And I wanted to show her
how much I loved her, so...

well, I... I...

You what?

I carved our initials
into her trunk.

Put a heart around them.

And now, you know,
she's dying.

You know, Ed,
when someone dies...

it makes you think of the
things you wish you had done.

And the things
you wish you hadn't.

I remember, a few years ago, my
niece's kids were up visiting.

We were out berry-picking.

I turned my back for a
minute, and they ran off.

I found them 30 feet
up Ootockalockatuvik...

sitting on a branch, swinging
their legs, happy as clowns.

Yeah, I bet.

Well, I made them
come down right away.

I was afraid they'd fall
and break their necks.

And afterward, I felt bad.

'Cause you'd yelled at them.

Oh, no.

Because of what
I'd done to Vicky.

Trees like to have kids
climb on them.

Oh, right.

But I'm pretty sure Vicky forgave
me. After all, she is a tree...

and trees are much bigger
than we are.

And much,
much more forgiving.

Hey, Fleischman!

Oh, hey.

I got some surgical
scrub brushes for you.

I didn't order any surgical
scrub brushes. I know.

I was in Anchorage, and I walked
by this medical supply store...

and they were
having a sale...

and I thought, "Fleischman
could use some of those. "

All right. Please, O'Connell,
just stay right there.

Why?
Why? Because...

Just keep your niceness
to yourself, okay?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?
Every time you're nice to me...

I seem to end up more
damaged, now don't I?

Fleischman,
don't be ridiculous.

O'Connell, I'm not kidding.
Don't come any closer.

Fleischman...

you 're behaving
like a genuine paranoid.

Paranoid? You call this paranoid? What,
is this a figment of my imagination?

Huh? Am I
hallucinating this cast?

Fleischman, you cannot
blame me for that.

Yes, I can, O'Connell.
I'd be perfectly fine...

if you hadn't unnerved me
with all your good will.

I'm not going to have any
more of it. Fine. All right.

What am I supposed to do with
these? I don't know, but...

All right, gentlemen.
Let's take her down.

Hold it. Hold it, Minnifield. We
haven't heard from Fleischman yet.

He had till 1200 hours,
Springer. It's a quarter past.

I say time's up. No reprieve.

You're not going to lay
a finger on that tree...

till we get
Fleischman's report.

You've been a thorn in
my side for years, Springer.

Yeah, Minnifield? Well, what
are you gonna do about it?

You know what I think-
Hey, hold on, guys.

Where's Fleischman? I'm
afraid he's had a bad fall.

Well, what about Vicky?

He's entrusted me
with the report.

Well, you want to read
it to us? Oh, yeah.

Says here...

"After consulting with arborists
from the TreePeople organization...

"it is my opinion that the black
cottonwood known as Old Vicky...

"has developed
an infectious process...

"of a fungal etiology.

"Although leaf desiccation
and decline in vigor...

"could be symptomatic
of several agents...

"the mycelia appressed
to the sapwood...

"are a clear indication
of Armillaria mellea...

"commonly known as
shoestring rot. "

Well, what the hell
does that all mean?

Let the man finish, Springer.

"Shoestring rot
is a fatal illness...

"which is not responsive
to treatment.

"Research shows the rate
of degeneration is swift.

"Pressed to give a prognosis,
I would say...

"given the advanced state
of the disease...

"that the patient only has
a few months to live. "

Amen.
Let me see that!

Read all you want to, Springer.
It's not going to change a thing.

All right, men. Let 'em rip!

May, 1988.

I was picking wildflowers
for the spring powwow.

All of a sudden
it got cloudy.

It started to hail.

Hailstones
as big as baseballs.

Luckily,
I was near Old Vicky.

I got under her branches.
She kept me safe.

If it hadn't been
for Ootockalockatuvik...

I could have gotten
a concussion or worse.

To Vicky.
To Vicky.

Hey, Shelly, how are you?

Look, I've been doing some
research into your condition.

What I need to know is...

was there any
prior indication...

that anything was happening
to your speech...

or did the singing
occur spontaneously?

It's important.

Shelly? Shelly?
What's going on?

I'm not sure, Joel.
She was so happy...

chirping away
like a robin in May.

Then she saw you
for her pre-baby exam.

Well, now she won't even open
her mouth. Won't sing a word.

Oh, I didn't mean to scare her.
Look I got some good news here.

I found some precedents for
her singing, believe it or not.

Oh?
Yeah, listen to this.

Santiago, Chile.
A 14-year-old girl...

walks into a music store,
picks up a violin...

plays the Bach chaconne
in D-minor.

This is a girl who has no
musical instruction whatsoever.

But, Joel, how can that be?

Well, no one knows. But the point is
there's been quite a few similar cases...

of this spontaneous
prodigious ability...

in healthy people,
and it's been documented.

Well, what I'm saying is,
her singing...

may not necessarily be symptomatic
of any particular illness.

That certainly is a great relief,
Joel. Yeah, well, I should think.

But, tell me this. This...

This girl from Chile, did she
ever stop playing the violin?

Stop playing?

Did she ever go back
to the way she was before?

I don't know. I mean, there was
no mention of what happened after.

This isn't over yet,
Minnifield!

I've been talking
to my lawyer in Talkeetna.

He says tree or no tree...

you still do not have
free reign...

to build a structure that
will negatively impact on me.

He's filing
for an injunction.

You hear what I'm saying?

You're never going to
build that storehouse.

Doesn't matter.

What? What did you say?

I said it doesn't matter. I
don't care about the storehouse.

What do you mean you don't
care about the storehouse?

You've been crazy to build that
thing for the past 15 years.

What the hell are you
trying to pull, Minnifield?

See this?

This is the scene
of my greatest triumph.

I should be jubilant.

I should be grinding Old
Vicky's leaves up into mulch...

and feeding her limbs
into a wood stove.

But you know what I'm
feeling right now, Springer?

I don't feel anything.

You're just trying to
throw me off balance.

Well, it won't work.

I'm still
getting that injunction.

You know, I really
should feel happy...

just because I skunked you.

But I just feel sort of empty.

To tell you the truth...

I sort of miss the sight of her.

"Oh, my little bunny-face"

"My teenie-beanie cuddly thing"

"I got a big bummer news"

"Your mama can't talk"

"Your mama can only sing"

"No faking, no fooling"

"She flaps her lips"

"and out comes crooning"

"Baby learns to use a spoon"

"Mama only sings a tune"

"Baby counts from one to three"

"Mama makes a melody"

"If baby falls and bangs a knee"

"Sorry, here's a rhapsody"

"Can you love a mom
who can't gab or chatter?"

"No yak or yammer, chew the fat"

"No jaw and jabber"

"Can you love a mom"

"who doo-wops, scats?"

"She warbles, yodels, spits the scales"

"She bops and raps"

"Oh, my little bunny-face"

"My teenie-beanie cuddly thing"

"I got a big bummer news"

"Your mama can't talk"

"Your mama can only sing"

"No faking"

"No fooling"

"She flaps her lips"

"and out comes crooning"

"Shelly, honey, dry your eyes"

"worry none, we'll harmonize"

"In my opinion, talk comes cheap"

"who needs to make a speech?"

"Truth is, my lovely bride"

"sing or talk, I'm by your side"

"Oh, my little bunny-face"

"My teenie-beanie cuddly thing"

"Don't you feel lonely,
don't you feel blue"

"'Cause I'll be singing with you"

"No faking"

"No fooling"

"I'll be singing with you"

It's open!

Hey, Fleischman.
Hey.

What a surprise.
How's the neck?

Look, if you don't mind, I'd rather
dispense with the pleasantries, okay?

All right.
Do you want to sit down?

No, I don't think
I'm going to stay that long.

Well, suit yourself.

Look...

ever since
we've known each other...

you've related to me
in a very consistent manner.

Okay? You insult me
and you hit me...

and you crashed me
in your airplane.

Uh-huh.

Well, I know it doesn't
sound pleasant, but...

you see,
I can handle that.

Okay? I'm actually
comfortable with that.

And, I guess
what I'm here to do...

is to ask you, or plead with
you if necessary, to just...

stop being so nice to me,
okay?

I mean, it's a small town,
and I can't avoid you.

And up till now, thank God,
none of these...

These injuries have been
permanently disabling. But...

if this niceness continues,
I think anything could happen.

Well, okay, Fleischman. I
can try to modify my behavior.

But, I'd like something
in return.

All right. Well, name it.

You have to stop being
such a jerk.

Well, could you be just
a bit more specific, maybe?

Well, all right.

Petulance, arrogance,
whining, spite, sarcasm...

the incessant petty meanness,
you know, that sort of thing.

Arrogance and petty meanness?

O'Connell, look, let me try
and explain something to you.

If I resort to sarcasm,
it's only because-

Because, because,
because, because.

Fleischman, why do you always
have to explain everything?

Why does there always
have to be a because?

But, O'Connell, I'm just-
No buts.

No ifs, no explanations, no
negotiations. These are the terms.

Fine. I will definitely try. I will try.

Okay.

Well, hey, get lost.

Huh?
I'm hungry.

Okay.

You know, Maurice...

could've saved yourself
a lot of dough and sweat...

just putting in one of
those two-gallon saplings.

In a 100 years, nobody
would know the difference.

The hell with posterity.
I'm doing this for me.

When Old Vicky came down, I
couldn't stand the empty sky.

I needed something
to fill it.

Do bring me that bucket
over there, will you?

Yeah, sure.

Ooh. What is this stuff?

That's vitamin B1.

Prevents root shock.

There,
that ought to do it.
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