Hot Mess Holiday (2021)

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Hot Mess Holiday (2021)

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- FEMALE SINGER: Have yourself

A merry little Christmas

Make the Yuletide gay

- [record scratches]

- Oh, you two look so cute.

What's your name?

Why would she do that?

- Melanie, it's Vivek.

You came to talk to my class,

Corp Finance.

- Right, Northwestern.

How are you?

- Your whole talk about rising

the ranks at Myrtle & Smith,

it really stuck with me.

- I'm so happy to hear that.

- Listen,

you caught vibes that day.

I did, too.

I got the keys

to my parents' car.

- Excuse me?

- I eat it all.

- What's goin' on, Mel?

Is he lost?

- Plenty of room for three

in the Highlander.

Seats fold down.

- Is he?

Oh, gross.

I could be your aunt.

Wait, aren't you Bhavani's kid?

- Yeah, so?

- She's my second cousin.

I'm literally your aunt,

you sicko.

Touch my feet.

Touch hers, too.

Y'all are just

getting younger and pervier.


- Thanks for swooping in.

- Of course.

Can we leave now?

You know, Indians

make me uncomfortable.

- Being Indian, you're gonna

have to get over that one day.

- You know what I mean.

We're Indian,

but this is like Indian.

I'm not interested in being

around gossiping demon aunties

and guessing what

uncles ate for dinner.

- It's not that bad.

- [man burps]

- Aloo palak.

Yeah, that was aloo palak.

- And you know we can't leave.

Rishi's on his way

and I haven't seen him-

- In a whole month.

I know.

I've been counting down the days

till I lose you forever.

- I'm not going off to w*r.

- But, we finally got

a chance to hang out.

After what?

Like two years.

Just like the old days.

You should really reconsider

the thrupple option.

I'd let Rishi h*t it

if it meant making us work.

Oh, this is all really

happening, huh, Melanie?

- I love him, Surina.

And once we set a date,

we'll buy a place together.

And have dinner parties.

And buy matching pajamas.

And start our own book club.

It'll all come together.

- I know you're describing

what you think are

really nice things, but I'd

rather jump off a building.

- [phone vibrates and chimes]

- Oh.

Ah sh*t,

Ameet's delaying my check.

- Why are you still

working for him?

- Oh, I don't work for him.

I just do gigs kinda

exclusively for him

for an agreed amount of money.

- Oh God, it's Parveen Auntie.

- You think if we just

stand still, she won't see us?

- She's not a T-rex.

- Beti,

I haven't seen you in ages.

How's school, Surina?

- I graduated eight years ago.

- So, when's the wedding,


- We're still figurin' out

a date.

- Really? It's been what?

Four years?

- One year.

We're just taking our time.

- Well, good for you.

All these women out there,

getting married,

having kids,

moving on in the world.

You have every right to do

what you want and be stuck.

- I didn't say I was stuck.

- You know what I mean.

Not excelling or whatnot.

Anyway, so good to see you two.

Good luck on the exams.

- I want to hate her so bad, but

goddammit, she thinks I look 22.

It's so conflicting.

- Ah, there's my c**ts.

- Hey Sheila.

- Hey Sheila.

- Sorry I'm late, I had to take

Shawn Mendes for a walk.

- Oh, that's a cute name

for a dog.

- Dog?

You know, I've never been

to one of these before.

It's so cute.

It's like a little refugee camp.

- It's the first day of Diwali.

The festival of lights.

It's where you buy

something precious

as a token to

the goddess Lakshmi.

- Honey, you had me

at buy something.

- Did you tell her

we were coming here?

- Look, I know she's

a little off.

- A little off?

Do you remember

her birthday party?

- Yeah, it was a karaoke party.

Amazing hot wings.

- It was a karaoke sex party.

- Yeah, I guess it

got a little out of hand

when she brought out the kiddie

pool full of ball gags.

But come on.

She seems super lonely.

I mean, she has no one

except Shawn Mendes.

- Is this a night light?

How fun.

I'll catch you in a bit.

Do you take Bitcoin?

- Oh God, if it isn't

the two Indian girls

with the white names.

- Literally, the first thing

people think about

when they hear Surina

is a famous Black tennis player.

So, checkmate, Kavita.

Oh, I see your minions

are multiplying.

- Funny.

I'm their dance teacher.

Oh, I hope you're not

shopping for your wedding, Mel.

These places don't take returns.


- [girls chuckle]

- Everyone knows Desis

don't do long engagements,

so, something must be going on.

- Nothing's going on.

We're just taking our time.

- Don't you have something

better to do like spend your

dad's hotel empire money?

- Okay, first off,

they aren't hotels.

They're a boutique

bungalow experience.

And second, I earn my own money.

I'm the company's

brand ambassador.

- You run the TikTok page.

- Four million followers

and counting.

And please tell me.

What do you do

besides being d*ad weight?

- Oh, you mean other than

railing your brother?

- You stay away from Rahul.

- Okay. Okay, come on, guys.

- Word to the wise, Mel.

Choose quality friends

or they'll drag you

into the gutter with them.

- I'm sorry I took

your brother's virginity.

- God, she's so mean.

She didn't used to be like this.

- Yeah, being in the

Desi dance competition scene

can ruin you.

Remember when we almost

joined that bhangra cult?

- [gasps] Rishi!

- Oh, I'm gonna

give you guys some time.

I guess you should catch up

on 401k plans

and container options.

- Sorry I'm late, I came

straight from the airport.

- It's okay.

I missed you so much.

- Hey, listen,

can we have a second to talk?

- Yeah, sure.

But let's grab seats first.

The dances are starting.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- [lip-syncing Bollywood song]

- Keep the f*ck up, Preeti.

- [audience applauding]

- Yo, yo, yo.

I know you didn't get enough

last month during Navratri,

so, the dance floor is open

for some dandiya raas.

- You're so quiet.

- I know. It's just...

- What is it?

- It's just that I...

No, hold on. Wait.

- All right, come on up.

Don't be shy, don't be shy.

Come bust a move.

It's fine.

- Remember our couple's intake?

We have to communicate.

- I know.

I'm trying.

It's just that this

isn't the most ideal setting.

- Radical honesty, Rishi.

- What does that even mean?

- It's the radical honesty sign.

- Well, it's honestly stupid.

- We agreed to do this, Rishi.

It was part of the plan.

- That's just it.

It's, it's your plan.

It's always your plan.

I-I-I can't do this anymore.

You want radical honesty, Mel?

Here it is.

I've been sleeping with Brandi.

- Oh, that's messed up.

- Your old project manager?

- I didn't go

on a business trip.

I went to Bali with her.

It was the best month

of my life.

I'm flying out to LA

to be with her.

- Are you okay, Mel?

I know this stick isn't sharp,

but I think I can s*ab him in

that soft spot behind his knee.

- I'm sorry.

- We were supposed to be

happy together!

- Yo, yo, yo, hey.

Security to the stage,

security to the-

- I hate you!

You cheated on me!

f*ck you!

- Yo, we don't have security.

- Go to hell!

- So, everybody just protect


- Stop! Stop!

- Lying piece of sh*t.

I hate you!

- For the love of God.

- Hey, hey, yo, yo.

- I hate you, you--aah!

- Stay.


- [sobbing]

Thank you, Mr. Henderson.

I will for sure

follow-up with you.

Happy birthday.

- Are you sure

you don't need anything?

I can order you lunch

or torch his clothes.

- Thanks, but I'll pass.

- You never let me

torch anything.

- I can't believe he did this.

And I as*ault him.

- That was the best part

of the night.

That's the Mel I love.

Like that time when you got

dumped by that guy,

so you dated his landlord

and increased his rent.

- This wasn't

supposed to happen.

- We'll figure this out

together, okay?

I gotta head to Ameet's.

Oh, by the way,

don't Google "stick girl".

- Wait, what?

- Okay, byeeee!

- We were supposed to be

happy together.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- You f*cking

lying piece of sh*t!

I hate you!

You freaking idiot!

I hate you!

You cheated on me!

- I can explain.

- I know as a woman of color

that you aren't often seen

in the same way that I,

a cisgendered,

heterosexual male, man.

Not mailman.

Man, A-N.

And I know sometimes things can

get taken out of context.

- I will m*rder you.


- I'm sorry.

It wasn't my best moment.

- Every moment is your moment.


As an ally, I see you.


- I think you might just be

saying a lot of different words.

- Very important words.

I'll cut to it.

One of our biggest clients

is coming in Monday.

And if they saw this

wrong representation,

they just wouldn't get it.

White people, am I right?

Burn it down.

Just burn it down.

I think you should

take some time to heal.

I'll float the project to Jake.

- So, you're taking me

off a project

and basically

suspending me for a week?

- Think of it as an early

secular Christmas gift

without pay.


- I guess so.

- Great.

I'm really glad we were able

to hold space for that.

And that's it.

If you could just

close the door on your way out?


Hey, solidarity.

- Surina, I hired you

to make a website

and run the social media pages.

As an entrepreneur-

- You deliver food

for your parents' restaurant

and sell stolen iPhones

to middle schoolers.

- You botched

my Diwali campaign.

- I didn't botch anything.

The Instagram impressions were

amazing considering how awful

the idea was.

- David Diwali could've captured

the hearts and minds

of this nation

if you did your job right.

I mean, look at him.

He could've been the next

Easter Bunny, Santa Claus,

SpongeBob even.

- David Diwali looks like

he abducts children.

- How dare you.

Look, you didn't fulfill

your end of the agreement,

so, I'm putting you on a tab.

You'll get your paycheck once

you work off what you owe me.

- What? Screw that.

- No screwing, just realness.

- You're actually being serious?

- Yeah.

Welcome to the school

of hard knocks, Surina.

Dog eat dog.

No pain, no gain.

Life takes no prisoners.

- Take this as

a lesson in responsibility.

Maybe it'll help you

get your sh*t together.

- You're lucky

your parents make good food.

- [phone ringing]

- Clay Oven Restaurant.

This is Ameet.

Oh, hi Auntie.

Yes, I'm doing good.

No, no, I'm,

I'm still single.

- I hate always

waiting in line here.

- Gilpreet's chai is like cr*ck.

Just be cool.

- If he says something, I swear

I'm going to boycott this place.

- Hi, Uncle Ji.

Happy Diwali.

I hope you're having a

wonderful, blessed day.

We'll have two chais, please.

- We'll have two chais, please.

Speak in Punjabi.

- We don't speak Punjabi.

- Speak Hindi then.


Respect the homeland.

- Trust me,

us not speaking the language

is respecting the homeland.

- I survived partition for this?

Wannabee Lindsay Lohan

and Kendall Jenner?

- Didn't realize

I ordered chai

with a side of misogyny today.

- Next.

- Next time,

we boycott this place.

There is nothing better

than a hot-ass chai

after a long-ass day.

- Don't hate me,

but I reached out to Rishi.

We're gonna meet up

before his flight tomorrow.

- What? No!

- We have to talk this through.

- Don't do this, Mel.

This is a gift from the heavens.

Just move on like

it never happened.

- But we worked.

We have the same

interests and goals.

I mean, we both love fondue, and

we get really creative with it.

Like last time

we got persimmons-

- Again, I know these are being

described as nice things,

but I will jump off a building.

And more importantly,

he cheated on you.

- I obviously

respect myself enough

to not go crawling back to him,

but I just,

I need to understand

what happened.

We can't just erase

everything we had.

- Since you're part of the hive.

- [camera clicking]

- Here you go.

Hey, say no to dr*gs.

Super fan.

- Yeah, Sanjay, most adult men

don't gloat about

taking pictures with young boys.

- What can I say?

You win one spelling bee and

you're a hero for life.

I'm like their Lebron James.

Nothing but vowels.

- You just wake up in the

morning with no clue, huh?

- Whatever.

Um, have you all seen this?

- b*at that boy with a stick,


Light him up like a Bic, boy

Dang that fool was a cheat,


Now he gonna get de-stroyed

She's a stick girl

in a stick world

She's a stick girl

in a stick world

- That's actually pretty catchy.

I mean, I wouldn't make it

my ringtone or anything.

But definitely a top contender

for the workout playlist.

- Surina.

- Sorry.

That was an abomination.

- You know, I heard

what Rishi did

and maybe this is for the best.

That big fall from grace,

so you truly appreciate

what's right in front of you

like, literally in front of you.

- At least simp

with some dignity, Jesus.

- What am I gonna do, guys?

- I'll tell you what

you're certainly not doing

is brooding until you talk

with Rishi tomorrow.

This is Diwali.

I propose a full weekend

social banger extravaganza.

- That sounds like

way too many words.

- They're all equally important.

- No, I'm just gonna stay home

and crawl under

my weighted blanket.

- Oh, I totally get it.

It does wonders

for the nervous system.

- No one cares,

Friendzone Freddy.

Just give me the weekend, Mel.

You gotta release

all this energy

and bring back that bad b*tch

I once knew.

And you can only do that by

getting intensely hammered.


- Yeah.

- Whatever happens with Rishi,


But the only way you're

gonna find closure in this

is with a big ol' Rishi purge.

You know, wash that mofo

out of your soul.

- I just miss him.

- I get that.

But weekend social banger


Weekend social banger


Weekend social

banger extravaganza!!!

- Okay.

- Yes!

- [phone vibrating]

- Oh, it's Sheila.

She's asking if we're

going to her thing tonight.

- We're not going.

And more importantly,

she's crazy.

- Kismet.

Tell her we'll be there.

- Absolutely not.

- Uh-uh, we're jumping

out of that comfort zone.

Embrace it, Mel.

Two chais to go!

- Get the hell out of my store!

- Okay!


- It's like everywhere you go,


it's just in your face.

It's like capitalism

on steroids.

Is anyone even

celebrating Diwali right now?

It's only celebrated by about

a billion people.

- Exactly. Yes.

- That's why I appreciate

Indian culture so much.

You all just have this

natural spiritually, you know?

You're just so connected

with the earth.

- And there it is.

- There it is.

- Excuse us.

- You heard the lady.

b*at it.

- Wait. Scripps National

Spelling Bee champ '04?

Oh, you k*lled "insouciant".

Can I get a picture?

- Well, since you're

part of the hive.

- Buzz, buzz.

- Buzz, buzz.

- Look, this is just a primer.

I promise you

things will get better.

Weekend social banger


- Who let the hos out?

Terrible news about Rafiki.

- Rishi.

- What did I say?

Bit of advice, vaginoplasty.

- What?

- No one wants a loose,

sloppy vag*na, Melanie.

Flapping around

like a lost sailboat at sea.

Ew, mayday.

- Kavita's here?

- I know, right?

I hate that b*tch, I don't

know why she's even here.

I love her, though.

I can't wait to go to her

Diwali party tomorrow night.

- Wait, what?

- Diwali is the

festival of lights.

It's celebrated

over the course of five days,

something about a goddess--

- I know what Diwali is.

I told you what Diwali is.

Kavita's having

a party tomorrow?

- Yeah, why else

would she invite me?

- Sheila, we didn't get invited.

- Why didn't you just say that?

It's 2021, you gotta use your

me too big-girl words, honey.

- Who cares.

She's a total b*tch and her

party will suck b*lls.

- I know but the principle.

She probably invited Rishi.

- Rafiki.

That is odd that you didn't

get an invite, though.

I mean,

all the browns are going.

It's gonna be

the event of the year.

Oh, for the love of God,

Shawn Mendes.

No, that will stain.

Use seltzer!

- That's not Shawn Mendes.

- Shawn Mendes, uh,

son of the billionaire

Venezuelan oil tycoon?

I think I know who

Shawn Mendes is.

[speaking Spanish]

Don't forget your gift bags.

- A few sh*ts and we're gone.

I promise.

- Thirty-five carats

cut to perfection.

Mined in Kolkata.

Do you know it took me

almost a decade

to get my hands on this one?

- It's gorgeous.

- It's more than gorgeous.

I'd let it slowly penetrate me

to R&B music.

- That feels like a lot.

- So, Montecito's men

will be with you shortly.

Be discreet, all right?

Make it a clean transaction.

Bring the suitcase of money

to the office, okay?

- I won't let you down, Percy.

- Don't use my name.

Or yours, you idiot.

Just talk in codes or something,



I know

I'm just a loser

Shouldn't be with ya

Guess I'm a quitter

- My nose is real but tell

everyone it's fake.

- There you go.

- Thanks, Kal Penn.

- Oh, just Kal is fine.

You doing okay?

You're on your third one.

- It's just been a long week.

I didn't know you bartended.

- Oh, this is just to prep

for a role.

You know, I try to embody

the characters that I'm playing.

It's a thing that actors

do all the time.

So today I am a bartender.

You know Emma Stone

was checking IDs last week

to prep for some role she had.

You know Betty White?

Like a month ago, she was siting

exactly where you were

just getting completely

sh*t house hammered

on Japanese whiskey

and Hot Pockets.

- That's a lot.

Wait, so is that

Tituss Burgess prepping?

Let me guess.

He's playing a

mysterious loner who was

at the top of his game only

to take a turn for the worst.

- No, he's not prepping, Mel.

- What do you want from me?

I can't be fabulous

all the time.

It's always like, Tituss, what

are you wearing?

Tituss, be the life

of the party.

I mean, here I am

having a damn Bahama Mama

in these ill-fitted pants

and I'm proud of it.

- I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.

You don't get to apologize.

You beautiful,

beautiful woman person.

Kal, put this on her tab.

And no one, no one should be

allowed to have hair that silky!

- Well, it was good to see you,


I've got to go to a meat plant.

God, it's a complicated role.

- Did the bartender just leave?

- Yeah.

Do you want this?

I didn't touch it.

- Yeah, I hate to waste

free booze.

- Oh, geez, wow.

- Well, hard times

call for hard solutions.

I'm Melanie.

- I'm Drake Doolittle.

- Your name is

Drake Doolittle?

- Drake Doolittle, yeah.

It's part French

and uh, lower Italian.

Excuse me.

Be right back.

- Okay.

- Who is he?

h*t it, uh, uh, uh.

- I don't know.

I just met him.

I'm not gonna sleep with anyone.

- Here, you can do it

behind my coat.

No one will see.

It has pockets.

- Surina, Rishi and I, we're...

We need to figure it out.

- Oh, so as you are

figuring it out,

Rishi gets to stick his d*ck

into other girls,

but how come you can't

get to stick your d*ck in...

You know what I mean.

- [phone ringing]

- Yeah, so the deal's gone bad.

They don't know what you look

like, so get out of there.

- Wait, it can happen that fast?

- Yeah, I decided that

I'd rather keep the diamond.

But hurry, they're basically

looking for any guy

by themselves.

- Dammit.

- Hot guy coming.

So, Mel is a huge catch

and she's been in this

shitty relationship

for like a billion years.

So, she's looking for some

no strings attached action.

Also, she's getting

her vag tightened.

It won't flap around

like a lost sailboat at sea.

- Surina.

- That is a fantastic idea.

- What?

- Yeah, let's do it.

Off we go.

- You have an accent?

That's so hot.

Say crikey,

where'd me kangaroo go?

- Yeah, we have gotta go.

Come on, off we go.

- Where are we going?

- Oh, don't forget

your gift bags.

- Wait, who the hell

is that guy?

- Not you.

- What are you doing?

- Security check.

You're fine.

- What was that about?

It's cold out here.

Listen, you can't just

drag me around like a rag doll.

- Type your number in.

- Yes, daddy.

No, wait, I'm in a relationship.

Sort of.

It's complicated.

We can't do this.

I didn't wax.

- I'm gonna call you

very, very soon

because you have

something special that I need.

You got it?

- I haven't done this

in three years.

Is this flirting?

Did you just turn me down?

It's very difficult to make

sense out of this situation.

Call me.

- Oh, back already?

The hot ones

are always minute men.

All good.

We'll find another.

- Do you know what?

Let's get drunk.

- Yeah!


Call me when you want

Call me when you need

Call me in the morning,

I'll be on the way

Call me when you want,

call me when you need

Call me out by your name,

I'll be on the way like

Oh, call me by your name,

tell me you love me in private

Call me by your name,

I do not care if you lyin'

Tell me what your name is

Oh, call me by your name,

tell me you love me in private

Call me by your name,

I do not care if you lyin'


- sh*t.

Surina, wake up.

- No, Frosty, the buttons.

They're sewing them

on to your skin.

Ow, what?

- I'm supposed to meet Rishi.

- Oh, weekend social

banger extravaganza!

Let's go, Diwali!

- Anyone want an omelette?


- [screams]

Who the hell is that?

- Oh, Jerry.

Met him at the bar.

- I hope you guys

like scrambled.

- Prince Charles is easier

to get ahold of than you two.

So, this is how the 99% lives.

- Sheila,

what are you doing here?

- There is a pressing matter

that we need to resolve at once.

Kavita didn't get her gift bag.

- We didn't take her gift bag.

Did you take her gift bag?

- Gift bags are

for deserving people.

That's all I'm gonna say.

- Okay, great.

Check that off the list.

One more thing, all of your

lives are in grave danger.

- What?

- What?

- My ex, not the last one,

but the one before

the one before that.

- Oh, you mean the 96-year-old

you married for money?

- I loved Archibald

and those were the best

32 days of my life.

I'm talking about my ex, Percy.

- Is he on his deathbed too?

- Do you kiss your mother

with that filthy,

sarcastic whore mouth?

Ah, let me just show you.


He owns a small

blood diamond operation.

I let him use my bar

as the drop-off spot

and well, the deal went bad.

- Blood diamond operation?

You've got to be kidding me.

- And what does bad mean?

- Wait, that's the guy

who was hitting on me.

Drake Doolittle.

- That's seriously his name?

- Yeah, he's part French,

part lower Italian.

- Mm, so much better

than upper Italian.

Do not let those people

in this country.

- He was using me

as some sort of decoy?

- Obviously.

His name is Daniel

and he put a 35-carat diamond

in your gift bag.

And now all your lives are in


- Wait, hold up.

So that catch of a lifetime

put a diamond

in Mel's gift bag?

So, a big-ass diamond

probably worth millions

is in this apartment right now?

- Twelve million, but yes.

- Holy sh*t.

Let's not give it back.

- A person once

put one over on Percy,

and well,

he scooped his eyeballs out

and served it to him

on an ice cream cone.

- Let's definitely give it back.

- Mm...

- Mm...

Where's the gift bags?

You put them right here.

Sunjay, do you have the bags?

- Hold your horses.

Breakfast is almost ready.

- No, no, no, no, no.


- Oh yeah, Ameet came over.

We ordered Indian food from his

parent's place last night.

Oh, should I

make pancakes instead?

- Wait, Ameet has the diamond?

That idiot you work for?

- Do gigs for.

- So, what should I

tell Percy then?

- Why? Is he on the phone

right now?

- I don't like texting.

It makes my fingers wrinkly,

and I just got them Botoxed.

Well, that was rude.

- I don't want my eyes scooped.

I like my eyes.

It's one of my best features

next to my cheekbones.

- Really?

I'd rate cheekbones first.

Look, you're not gonna

get scoopy-eyed.

I can fix this.

We go to Ameet's,

get the bags, and done.

- Oh, perfect.

- Ah, but wait, Sheila.

You're on the hook too.

If we can't fix this, Percy

will probably scoopy-eye you.

- He wouldn't dare

scoopy-eye me.

No one scoopy-eyes Sheila.

If anything, I'm the one

that does the scoopy-eying.

- Why don't you call

and ask him?

- Hmm.

- So, we do this, and you get us

into Kavita's Diwali party.

- Are you seriously

bargaining over possible death?

- Look, I hate that b*tch, but

it's the party of a lifetime.

Weekend social banger


- Well played, Surina.

Well played.

It's a deal.

- I still have to meet Rishi

before he flies out.

- We'll find the diamond,

meet up with Rishi,

crash Kavita's party.

Boom, figured out.

- Oh, this is fun.

It's like "Lord of the Rings".

I'm the beautiful elf princess

and you're my trusty,

hairy hobbits.

Come on, Frodo.

- Hey, are you sure about this?

- When have I ever let you down?

- Third grade, Mrs. Finney's

class when you said to jump

from the jungle gym on three

and you chickened out.

- And that day you learned

you're much braver than I am.

You're welcome.

- When you totaled my car

and my parents grounded me

for six months.

- Which made you anti-social,

only study,

and landed you

a full ride at Harvard.

Come on, girl.

Through everything,

I've always had your back.

Trust me.

- Oh, should I wear the new-

- Pants, pants with the mm top?

- Mm top?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

Come on, Jerry.

- Dope.

- So let me get this straight.

You have no idea

where the diamond is?

A $12 million diamond,

that personally,

I would let caress my insides.

- I can find it.

I just need a little more time.

- Oh, Danny boy.

I brought you on

to make my life easier,

not to create

a bloody train wreck.

Don't get me wrong.

I like you.

I do!

Yeah, I mean, you come highly,

highly recommended.

- I will find it.

I don't want to end up

like George.

- What do you mean?

- Ice cream scooped.

You scoopy-eyed him.

- Whoops.

So, George has a congenital

birth condition.


You've got to be more sensitive

in the workplace, all right?

Not this ableist arsehole.

We had the whole HR meeting

and everything.

- Yeah, yeah, look,

I have her number.

- Oh.

- We can track her.

- There you go.


Handle this.

- Okay.

- I wouldn't want you

to end up like Herman.

- Those bags are sold-a-mundo.

Every last thing in them.

- You're kidding?

- Oh, I thought you'd be happy.

Your tab is cleared

and then some.

I mean,

those bags were incredible.

Tiffany bracelet, Chanel wallet.

- Oh, honey,

those bags were trash compared

to my next party.

You should come.

- I'm Ameet.

- Sheila.

The party's gonna be

catered by St Laurent.

They do food now.

- Wow.

- Who bought the bags, Ameet?

- Ameet Corp LLC has a strict

confidentiality policy

and uh, I'm not gonna

violate it for you.

- Tell us who bought them.

- I knew this day would come.

Ah, the tension between us

is so thick.

Why would you do that?

Please stop.

Jesus Christ, okay.

I gave it to this couple, the

Mittals, I owed them money.

- You owe them money?

You owe me money.

- I know the Mittals.

They run that trendy,

sustainable clothing line.

Which I do not understand.

Why would you wear clothes

more than once?

- I'll tell.

6530 North Sedgewick Street.

- We can pick up the L

around the corner.

- Hey, I'm coming back

for my money.

- Bye, Melanie.

- People actually use this?

- You've seriously

never been on the L?

- In a nightmare once.

Judi Dench was there too.

She wouldn't stop

giving me marigolds.

You know I'd be willing

to take you on.

- What?

- For as long as I've known you,

you've been into Melanie.

Why haven't you

asked her out yet?

- I don't know.

I've tried, but...

she just sees me as this little-

- b*tch?

- I was gonna say brother.

- But b*tch is probably

more appropriate.

- A little rude.

- I can help you.

- Really?

- Listen, I'm no miracle worker.

- But?

- No, that's it.

- Oh.

- So, we get to the Mittals,

and then we're going to Rishi's.

- You'll have plenty of time

to catch him before his flight.

You gotta admit,

this is a little fun.

This is what a Rishi-free life

looks like.

- Yeah, sign me up.

Nothing beats being chased

by a homicidal maniac.

- You love me.

- [g*n cocks]

- Oh sh*t, Daniel.

- Here's what's gonna happen.

We're gonna go up those stairs.

You're gonna give me the diamond

and then we're all gonna walk

away like this never happened.

- We don't have the diamond.

You have such strong arms.

- I'm not playin' around.

- No, no, we're not lying.

We had the diamond

in Mel's gift bag,

then this guy named Ameet,

who I do gigs for, not work for,

took it

because I owed him money,

then he gave it off to

these greenwear entrepreneurs

because he owed them money.

See? It's a simple explanation,


So, your jawline,

God made no mistakes.

- Enough!

Start walkin'.

One peep and I pull the trigger.

- What the hell's going on?

- That is so Percy to send one

of his henchmen to k*ll us.

- Shut up

and get in front of them.


- Ah, I'm dangerous!

- WOMAN: That b*tch has a sai!

- Stop right there.

- Clever girl.

- That was smart.

- Thanks.

- On the ground.

- I didn't think

this far ahead though.

- On the ground!

- Sheila doesn't do ground.

- I just want to let you know

you're all being detained

for carrying a deadly w*apon.

- This is totally

because we're brown.

This is systemic racism,

xenophobia and frankly,


- Are one of you Muslim?

- I am.

- I didn't know you were Muslim.

- Everyone's a little Muslim,


Get with the times.

Hi, excuse me, sir.

I can't be here

with these people,

so, if you wanted

to reach into my pocket,

there should be a fresh,

crisp Franklin waiting for you.

Oh, actually I used that

to shoo away an old woman.

Do you take Dogecoin?

- Ma'am, I'm gonna need you

to shut up.

Get comfy 'cause y'all

gonna be here for a while.

Wait a second.

You're famous.

- Oh, here we go again.

Scripps National Spelling Bee

champ '04.

It happens all the time.

- I don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

Stick girl?

[laughs gleefully]

Yo, can I get a picture?

My girlfriend loves you.

Oh, the song, that remix.

Yo, b*at that boy

with a stick, boy

Keep it thick like say what

- Yep, that's me.

I'm stick girl.

- You sure are.

Just right there.

Oh, that's a good one.

That's a good one.

That song is a bop, okay?

It's like if someone bottled up

the music of a generation

and served it on ice

on a hot day.


Okay, real quick just...

- Jerry, don't.

- It's all good.

Tonight is Diwali.

A special holiday

about friendship,

love and camaraderie.

This is your journey.

Stay fresh, girl.

- Feast on this, pigs!

- Freeze!

- [loud thudding]

- Run for it!

- JERRY: Remember me.

- Don't leave me.

- Damn you, stick girl.

- Did we lose Surina and Mel?

How are you not out of breath?

- Oh, I got a lung transplant

a couple of years ago.

- I didn't know that.

What was wrong?

- Nothing.

I just wanted new lungs.

Anyway, I'm glad we're alone.

We can finally start the first

session of the Sheila method.

- Oh.

Ow. Wh--

Ow. Why?

Ah, stop that!

- You're pathetic.

You've spent your life

following a girl

who doesn't even like you.

You're always wearing the same

Express sweater-shirt combo.

And you reek of CK One.

You are weak.

- Wait.


- I hope Sheila and Sunjay

are okay.

- They're not answering.

- We have to call the police.

- Are you kidding me?

I'm not going out like Jerry.

And he's white.

- How did Daniel even find us?

He must've tracked us with our


- Oh, that gorgeous,

clever son of a b*tch.

We gotta break 'em.

- We gotta what?

- Here. Give me your phone.

Trust me.

I binge Mr. Robot.

Okay, we gotta

break yours first.

- Why mine first?

- Yours is an 11.

Mine's a 12.

- What difference

does that make?

- We should break the lower

model one first.

- Well, it's basically the same

except for the camera.

- Not true, the 11 can only

manage 996 by 1820,

a meager 452... Okay, we do them

both at the same time.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

- Aah!

- Aah!

It was the right thing to do.

- We could've just

put them in a locker.

Also, he wasn't tracking yours.

He only had my number.

- Shh, Mel.

It was the right thing to do.

- Wait, we're here.

- Oh, thank God.

- We need a plan.

- Right.

We go in and say, hey,

can you give us the diamond?

And then they give it to us.

- That's not gonna work.

They may not even know

they have it.

- How do you miss

a 35-carat diamond?

- You know sometimes when

something is way down

in a gift bag, it like,

mixes with the paper stuffing.

And if it's a lot of stuffing,

there's just a lot of folds

and crevices to navigate.

- Right, I never

thought about it like that.

Mel, no.

- Namaste.

- Namaste.

- I didn't know Indians could

appropriate their own culture.

- Seriously.

- Who wants some small bites?

- What? No way.

Look at this spread.

- We make it a point to feed any

guest who comes to our home.

It's such a privilege

for us to provide.

- It's a privilege to consume.

- I hope you don't mind

we eat with our hands here

like our ancestors.

- How else am I

supposed to honor them?

- So, I know this

is really random,

but you got something from Ameet

yesterday at his restaurant.

In one of those bags was a-

- Oh, I know what you're

talking about. That was yours.

- Yeah.

- Let me go get it.

- So what color

is your aura today?

Mine's fuchsia.

- Those were in the gift bag?

- Oh, this was just a sampling.

There were vibrators, ball gags,

a**l beads, a**l probes,

a**l tinglers, a**l tumblers,

prostate pinchers,

prostate punchers.

- No, but the punchers

were more of a pinch, babe.

- Oh, that's right.

Questionable marketing

with those.

- Jesus, Sheila.

- No, no, no, no,

it was more something

that you don't stick in you.

- Oh, but you don't

stick this in you.

It's a clitoral stimulator.

It goes right under the

clitoral hood just like that.

- Can you see?

It's right...

- You know what?

Let me just show you.

- Oh, I'm fine.

- No, it's okay.

She's a sex yogi.

- I'm a sex yogi.

- I'm certified as well

in case you're not comfortable

with same-gender intimacy.

Get the coconut oil.

- No.

- I don't know, Mel.

It might help loosen you up.

- Me and my clit are good.

Just in here chillin'.

Not stimulating needed.

We're here for the diamond.

- The diamond?

- In a jewel box.

- We were very upset when Ameet

gave us a diamond as payment.

When he knows that

Lena and I believe

that diamonds carry

very, very bad energy.

- I would never

stick a diamond up my vag*na.

- Baby, I wouldn't either.

Come here.

- Yeah. Totally.

So, can we have it?

- Yes.

You'll take it?

- Absolutely.

- Oh my gosh,

I'll go get it right now.

- Thank you so much.

- See? Told you we'd fix it.


- This isn't too Indian for you?

- No, I'm kinda diggin' it.

Maybe I'm finding myself.

- You should feel

a little bit of tingle.

- Do you have a phone I can use?

- Oh, no. We don't believe

in cell phones here.

The only 5Gs we have are God,

Greatness, Gratitude,

Graciousness and Grandness.


But we do have a landline

in the guest room,

down the hallway,

third door on the right.

Okay? Just past the

manifestation fountain.

Do you wanna smoke?

- Uh, yeah.

- Great.

- What is this?

- That's a South Asian delicacy,

Malana cream,

Himalayan hash.


- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh my God.

- I got the diamond.

- I have a thing

to talk to you about.

A Nikki Haley thing.

- You can't just use the

Nikki Haley code word

for anything, Mel.

You're abusing the system.

- I need to show you something.

Are you high?

- Say hello to my little friend.

Whoa, did that sound r*cist?

I didn't mean

for that to sound r*cist.

- Are you serious right now?

- Come on, take a h*t.

- Absolutely not.

- Why?

You smoke all the time.

- I stopped for Rishi.

- I didn't know this.

- We made an agreement in

therapy a couple of months ago.

He hates the smell.

- Oh, just as he agreed to not

pound other vaginas for you.

- Surina, stop.

- I just find it so unbelievable

Queen Kush

stopped smoking for a man.

- Well, Queen Kush

smoked a lot in her life.

It's time for her to grow up.

- That's not the Queen Kush

I know.

She'd never change for anyone.

- She's smart enough

to make her own choices.

Why am I talking

in the third person?

Here, give me that.


- Yes. Yes, I am.

- Jesus.

When did weed get this strong?

- It's not weed.

It's Malana cream,

Himalayan hash.

- What?

- It's okay.

It's not as bad as...

Sorry, the walls

were just talking to me.

They're really happy.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

- Okay, calm down.

It's diluted.

It will wear off quickly.

Now what did you

want to show me?

Is it in here?

Is it a pedestal sink?

You know I f*ck

with pedestal sinks.

Holy Nikki Haley!

- Please don't shut the door.

They're keeping us here

against our will.

- Noted.

Thank you.

Just one second, please.

- Please help us.

- Oh my God. Oh my God.

What are we gonna do?

- That's what I was saying,

but no, you wanted

to smoke it up

like Chong and Cheech.

- Cheech and Chong.

- That's what I said.

- No, you said it reversed.

Who does that?

- It's the same thing.

It's two people's names.

- But never in that order.

- Well, maybe Chong

wants to be first sometimes.

- Hey, is everything

okay back there, girls?

Did you get lost by the

manifestation fountain?

It happens all the time.

Literally and metaphorically

by the fountain.

- Yeah, no, we're good.

We're just

manifesting over here.

God, these people are psychos.

We gotta get out of here.

That door.

- We can't just leave them.

- What are we gonna do?

Put them on our backs?

- I'm sorry, we'll try to donate

to a reputable charity.

- Or request me on Venmo.

At Surina not Williams.

David Diwali?

- You want some candy, kids?

Get in the van!

- SURINA: Frosty!

- Why?

Why would you

sew buttons on to me?

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Should we check on them?

- I'm sure they're fine.

Okay, I'm ready for

my turmeric bath, baby.

- This is worth $12 million?

It looks like costume jewelry.

- [retching]

- Oh, smart.

Empty it all up 'cause we got

tons of drinking ahead of us.

Oh, hey, we can pick up the L

over there.

Head to Kavita's.

- No, I'm done.

I'm not going to Kavita's.

- But we know

Sheila's gonna be there.

We'll give her the diamond

and then weekend social banger.

Did I miss something?

I thought we were having fun?

- How is this fun?

Somebody's been

trying to k*ll us.

- Well, I mean, yeah, if you

choose the one bad part,

it's not gonna sound great.

- I need to go to Rishi's.

- Why is it always about Rishi?

- Because at least I know

what it is.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- When I'm with you,

it's amazing,

but it's always pure chaos.

Hey, Surina,

you want to hang out?

Sure. expl*si*n.

I just...

I can't do it anymore.

- I was just trying to help you

have a good time,

have an amazing Diwali.

- Well, thank you, but I'm good.

- Ever since Rishi, you've

become this over-protected,

watered-down version

of yourself.

It's like I don't even matter.

- No, Surina.

I became an adult.

Adults plan.

- I plan.

- You change apartments

every month.

- I'm a nomad at heart.

You know my 23andMe

said I'm 40% Mongolian.

- Your dentist is some dude

off Craigslist.

- Yeah, and I've only lost

two teeth since.

- You graduate with honors,

but you're still gig working

for a moron.

- That's just temporary.

- Look at your life, Surina.

I mean, what's your plan?

- I don't know, Melanie.

Can I say that?

Is that okay?

I do not know.

I don't have a plan.

You think I like

living paycheck to paycheck?

Or crashing around at

people's places being well aware

of how capable I am,

but settling for less?

You're not the only one

with big dreams, Mel.

Just 'cause my path

isn't as neat as yours,

it doesn't mean

I won't get there.

Rishi's place is just

a few blocks away.

I'm sure you'll make it to him

before he leaves.


- What are we doing?

We have to find Surina and Mel.

- Oh, Gucci.

- No, no, no!

I'm not doing this anymore.

- Okay, Fendi, I understand,

but Salvatore Ferragamo

does not deserve that.

- Shut up!

Just for one second

just shut your mouth.

You are literally batshit crazy.

A total complete lunatic.

And I think I figured out why.

Because in your real life,

you're just a sad,

insecure rich girl that's been

handed everything.

You're trapped in your boring,

meaningless life.

You have no purpose.

I'm honestly

embarrassed for you.

- [slow clapping]

- Lesson complete.

- What?

- You finally stood up

for yourself.

You know your worth.

- Wait, is that what

this was all about?

All the name-calling?

The pushing around?

That was all part of it?

- The Sheila method is cruel,

but effective.

- That's why you threw me

down a flight of stairs.

- Uh, yeah.

Sure. That was part of it too.

One of the most important parts.

- Wow, I didn't know

you had this side to you.

- Well, it's important

to believe in yourself.

You'd be surprised what you

can learn from your exes.

- You mean Percy?

The lunatic

who's trying to m*rder us?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go find

Surina and Mel.

Thanks, Sheila.

- Who's gonna carry my bags?

Hi, excuse me,

can you carry these?

I'll just rebuy.


- Come on, come on.

Please be here.

- Melanie, my doll!

- f*ck me.

- What happened to you?

- Just a long day.

- You look like a bus h*t you.

- Yep.

- You know-

- I don't care, Parveen Auntie.

I just do not care.

- I was going to say,

I have been there.

Hoping something would

just work out because it fit.

I never married.

Never had kids.

Hated myself for years

because of it.

But why?

Really, why?

Who cares what

the world wants from you.

f*ck them.

What do you want?

- RISHI: Hello?

Mel, is that you?



- Where are you going?

- To save a friendship.

Happy Diwali.

- Happy Diwali.

Did she gain weight?

- Hey, I see you in there.

You just changed the sign

when I got here.

- You crazy witch!


- What do you want?

- I'm sorry, Surina.

- You have to do better

than that.

- It was never about Rishi.

He was just

some stupid safety net.

The truth is,

I'm scared, Surina.

I always thought I had it

all figured out.

And now I have no clue.

Like when am I going to

brush my teeth tonight?

The thought of not knowing

horrifies me.

I don't have the courage

to do what you do.

You didn't deserve

what I said to you.

Can you forgive me?

Can you forgive Queen Kush?

- Oh no,

I'm finishing this time.

Ah, so good.

Get me a waffle.

- I love you.

- Oh, I love you, Mel.

Wait, how did you know

I'd be here?

- There's nothing better than

hot chai after a long-ass day.

- You guys are okay.

- Seven blocks we ran.

I did not buy new lungs

to use them like this.

- We got the diamond too.

- Finally.

- Mel, I want to tell you


- Not now, Sunjay.

Everyone's having a moment.

- Shut it, Surina!

Melanie, I've been by your side

for God knows how long,

through thick and thin.

You mean everything to me.

I know that there's something

there between us

and I think you do too.

- We're actually all

just going to Kavita's.

Can we talk about this later?

- Of course.

Yeah, totally.

Not a problem.

- Wait, for real?

- It's the weekend social

banger extravaganza,

isn't it?

- Damn sure is.

- Percy,

I have your silly diamond.

And if you think

I'm gonna give it back,

you're out of your mind.

It's stood between us

for long enough.

Your whore diamond's

driving northbound.

Go find it yourself.

So, he wants to

k*ll all of us now.

- What did you do, Sheila?

- We're going to die.

- Why does this keep happening?

- You lot are a bunch of

bloody idiots, aren't ya?

- Just take it easy you.

Sorry, I just...

Your eyes.

I always get lost in your eyes.

- All right, Percy has a very

special surprise for you,

so, get in the car.

- There's no way in hell

we're all gonna fit in that.

- You'll fit.

It seats five.


- I bet it gets

great gas mileage.

- Great for the environment.

- Can you call

a private car for me?

- Everyone shut up

and just move!

- I can't get in.

There's all these books.

- All right.

Get out of the way.

Out of the way.

- You're taking the LSAT?

- What do you think I just woke

up one day and was like,

ah, I'm gonna be a hitman?

- Oh, a lawyer.

I didn't think I could

get any more turned on.

- Wow, look,

you think this life is easy?

'Cause the hours are sh*t.

I get zero time off.

I don't see the girlfriend.

I don't have a 401k.

- You need the 401k.

- Exactly.

I need the 401k.

Do you know how many times

I've had to wash blood

out of these hands?

There is no moisturizer on earth

that is prepared for that.

They all want you

to be a hitman,

but maybe I'm just a hitboy.

- Go.

Get out of here.

- Did he say girlfriend?

- Surina, come.

- Now I see, maybe throwing

a $12 million diamond

in the back of a pickup truck

was a bit of an overreaction.

You should appreciate how much

I restrained myself.

That Percy is a two-faced fake.

- Hold up.

What did you just say?

- Oh, Surina,

I say a lot of things.

- What is it?

- Fake.

This is worth $12 million?

It looks like costume jewelry.

Oh my God, how'd I

not see this before?

We gotta get to the L.

- We need waters on four.

I'll give you your waters.



If you're gonna

put stuff in my mouth,

I'm asking for consent first.

- I can't believe

we're doing this again,

but where is the diamond, Ameet?

- Whatever do you mean?

- Not urinal mist.

This is worse than tomato.

- Don't try me.

- Hey, it's in my pocket.

It's in my front pocket.

Melanie can get it.

- Gross.

- You know, you probably

all got a lot closer

and cemented your friendship

in a way you never saw before.

- Shut up.

- Shut up.

- Sheila, call Percy.

- Ugh, fine.

- [line ringing]

- PERCY: Hello?

- Hey listen, assh*le,

we have the diamond.

- And who is this?

- Surina.

Your worst nightmare.

- Maybe a notch down.

- Your second

to worst nightmare.

- Well, it is a pleasure

to meet you, Surina.

- Don't hurt him.

- Oh, you want your friend back?

Well, then just bring

the diamond by midnight

to Kavita's party.


- Even Percy got invited?

- You ready to do this?

Your place first?

- Yeah. Definitely.

- Actually, wait.

One more thing.

- Ah, so you've come to


- No, I just realized

life's too short

to waste on

an egotistical asshat like you.

I quit.

- FEMALE SINGER: Brushed my

hair, went downstairs

Favorite jeans on my rear,

and I looked in my mirror

And I said who's that there

- Those two are f*cking right.

- SINGER: Got an attitude,

I'm gonna have an attitude

I've got an attitude,

so what, I got an attitude

I got an attitude,

so what, I got an attitude

I got an attitude,

attitude, attitude, attitude,

Attitude, attitude, attitude,

attitude, attitude,

Attitude, attitude,

attitude, attitude, attitude,

Attitude, attitude, attitude,

attitude, attitude,

- Holy sh*t, it's freezing

mother, b*tch, cock b*lls.

- Ah, these earrings

are k*lling me.

I totally forgot we have

no phones to call for a Lyft.

- I'm not walking to the L

in these heels.

- [horn beeps]

- Kal Penn?

- Kal Penn?

- It's just Kal.

Do y'all need a ride?

- Where'd you get a rickshaw?

- Come on, Santa's got a sleigh.

I have a rickshaw.

But really it's for a role,

very complicated.

- Can you get us to River North?

- Yeah, hop in.


I feel my pulse quickening

Oh Joy, when you call me

I was giving up,

oh, I was giving in

Joy, set my mind free

I was giving up,

oh, I was giving in

How'd you always know

when I'm down

How'd you always

know when I'm down

How'd you always know

I'm down

- Oh, you're going to Kavita's.

- You've heard about it too?

- Yeah, it's only the

biggest party of the year.

- Do you want to join us?

- No, I'm okay. Thank you.

- Let me guess,

you're prepping for a role?

- No, I just don't wanna go.

- Oh.

- Hey, before you go, can I

impart some words of wisdom?

- Go for it, Kal Penn.

- Oh, it's just...

Never mind.

So, look, when I was younger,

my um, buddy and I uh,

we had this goal, right?

We wanted to get

the best burgers in America.

Ah, we had ups.

We had downs.

We rode a cheetah.

But the best part

of that journey

wasn't those delicious sliders.

It was discovering things

in our friendship

that we just didn't know

were possible.

And that friendship blossomed

warranting two sequels

and a successful franchise.

- Did you just

outline the plot to-

- I think I'd know

the difference between

a movie I was in and real life,


- You literally just called it

a franchise.

- Yeah, 'cause it's the

franchise of my life.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter

what you do.

What matters is

who you do it with.

So uh, smile like

there's no tomorrow.

Dance like no one's watching

'cause life's too short

to miss out on memories.

[clears throat]

- Do you take dr*gs?

- Always.

- Oh, perfect.

There's Sheila.


- This is the party of the year?

I'm embarrassed for her.

Oh, kulfi.

- You really need to find

a better way to greet people.

- No, this works for me.


Come on, let's go.

- Yay, you're here.

I wish we could've met under

better circumstances, you know?

But here we are.

The diamond.

I was such a fool to ever think

about letting you go.

Daddy's learned his lesson,


You can do whatever you want

with me.

Not that.

Oh, you're so naughty.

- So um, sorry to interrupt,

but you got your diamond.

Can we have Sunjay?

- Yeah, right.

Uh, Daniel,

k*ll him.

- No!

- No!

- How did you think

this would end?

- You don't have to do this.

- This is so cute.

Are you gonna jump?

Oh, careful with the dresses.

It's very "Thelma and Louise".

Hated that movie.

- I ruined that dress

I borrowed last month.

I really wanted a jelly donut

and I thought, okay, Surina,

you've gotta eat this carefully.

This is Mel's dress.

But you really can't eat a

jelly donut carefully, can you?

- It's okay.

You're the best thing

to ever happen to me.

- Me too.

I love you.

- Oh my God, don't make this

any harder than it already is.

Shall I count to three?

Yeah, okay.

Uh, one.

- Sheila.

- I brought some ball gags


I figured a little sex party

could spice things up.

They'll break your fall.

- I'm not jumping into that.

No way.

- Are, are they used?

- Gently.

Come on, girls.


- I'm taking my chances

on the concrete.

- Mrs. Finney's class.

That was a total d*ck move,

but I'm with you now.

Trust me.

- Two.


- No! No!

- I didn't see that coming.


- This is all your fault.

- Aaah!

Oh no, the diamond.

Help me find the diamond,

you idiot.

- Percy, it's down the drain.

We've got to get out of here.

Ah, ah, ah, actual bunch of--

- How's this

for a change of pace?

- You always hurt

the ones you love.

No, to the right.

Your right.

- You are making the

biggest mistake of your life.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?


- Pe-Pe.

I didn't know they'd arrest you.

You'll still call, right?

I can't live without your touch.

I'm gonna send you

a really nice care package.

What's the address?

Just like...jail?

- So, are we superheroes now?

Is this our

Avengers assemble moment?

- Some of us more than others.

- Oh sh*t, Kavita.

- You ruined my party

and Diwali.

I swear to God, I will make it

my absolute mission

to make sure all of your lives

are a living hell.

- Maybe next time

if you just invited us.

- Hey, Surina.

- Oh, if it isn't baby brother.

Call mommy when you're ready.

- Rahul!

- Okay, okay.

- Oh, looks like

someone missed his flight.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Thought you had a flight.

- Some lady named Parveen just

randomly showed up at my door

and cussed me out for an hour

and she made me miss it.

I've been meaning to call you.

I shouldn't have told you

the way that I did.

It was really awful of me.

I know you'll probably

never forgive me

and I guess

that's just something

I'm gonna have to accept.

- You lied

and you cheated on me.

You really broke my heart,


- I'm sorry.

- Look, I know we

started to grow apart.

I wanted so badly

to make it work.

That's why I kept forcing it.

It took me until today

to realize that

we just wanted different things.

We were just too afraid

to admit it to each other.

- Exactly.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

- Well, it's just

kinda anti-climactic, um,

I don't know, do you wanna

throw a drink at me

and call me an assh*le

or something?

- Actually, yeah.

Do you mind?

- Go for it.

- Just um, not the eyes though.

- Okay, stand back a bit.

- Is here good?

- Yeah, perfect.


- How was that?

Was that good?

Oh, no.

- Oh my God, you're on f*re.

- Was it that good?


See, I knew

I should've pursued acting,

but you know

how Desi parents are.

Put it out.

Help me.

- Holy sh*t,

she just torched him.

- Is this part of

the Diwali ritual

because this is very exciting.

- Oh, excuse me,

I'd like to place my order.

- No, Sheila.

It's not that kinda place.

- Do you think we'll ever get

invited to anything ever again?

- Probably not.

I'm a bit more worried

I should add attempted m*rder

to my resume.

- Oh, and arson.

- You know what?

I can get used to this.

Being on the fringe.

My own person.

- Oh, I swiped something

from Kavita's.

- Not again.

- We can't end the night

without lighting a candle.

Happy Diwali, Mel.

- Happy Diwali, Surina.

- So, about that vaginoplasty.

- Surina, no.

- Come on.

No more flapping.


- Fa la la la la la la

- It's another one

from your girl, Lily

This right here's a special one

for all the

brown girls out there.

b*at that boy with a stick,


Light him up like a Bic,


Dang that fool was a cheat,


Now he gonna get de-stroyed

She's a stick girl in

a stick world

She's a stick girl

in a stick world

Take your pick, girl,

it's your boss world

You haven't heard,

she's a stick girl
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