05x03 - Brother Michael

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Two Doors Down". Aired: April 1, 2016 to present.*
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"Two Doors Down" is set in Glasgow, Scotland and centers around a couple and their insufferable neighbors.
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05x03 - Brother Michael

Post by bunniefuu »

This programme contains
some strong language


All right? All right?

You all right, aye?

Aye. Not bad. I'm all right.
How's you?

Aye, I'm all right.

You want to come in?

All right.

You been in here since
we done it up?

Nup. What d'you think?

You no' got your telly
up on the wall?

Nah, Michelle wanted it on a unit.

Get it up on the wall.
What d'you need the f*re for?


Get sh*t of the f*re, get a bracket,

get it up on the wall.

Right, shall we do these rings,

You no' got a box for these?

No. Carol Ann wants them
on a cushion.


Have I to bring the cushion? No.
You've just to bring the rings.



Oh, hi, Michael.

Oh, hello, Michelle. How you doing?

I'm good, thanks. How's you?
Oh, I'm fine, Michelle,

thank you very much.

I'm just in giving Alan the rings.

Oh, exciting!

How are you feeling?
How's Carol Ann?

She's good, aye. She's away
to the hairdresser's.

Oh, I thought she was getting
that done

on Saturday morning at the house?

Oh, no, she is,

but she's away getting waxed.

Oh. I don't mind it either way,

but she wanted the whole lot off,

seeing as it's the wedding.
Aw, that'll be nice.

Before I forget, I got
a wee something for you

that I saw when I was in town.

Oh, right.

It's just something I thought
would be nice for the tables.

You know, quite romantic.

But they're in the car.

I'll go and get them just now.

All right, eh, thanks very much,

That's very much appreciated.


She no' wearing a bra?


Oh, hiya. Hello, Michelle.

Hi, Beth.


Look what I got, Michelle.
Slug pellets.


Oh, right.

Aye. You want a handful?

No, I'm all right. Are you sure?

I've seen trails on your slabs.

No, honestly.

Listen, I don't mean to be rude,

but Alan's brother's in here
at the minute, so...

Oh, yes, of course.
Not long now. Saturday, is it?

Yeah, Saturday.

What's this? Alan's brother's
getting married this weekend.

Aw, is he, Michelle?

Yeah. Alan's best man, so there's
quite a lot going on.

Your Alan?

Yeah, so...

Best man? Uh-huh.

Has somebody dropped out?

Right, well, I'll let you get on.
Okey dokey.

Bring him over.

Sorry? Bring him over,

so we can wish him all the best
for the big day.

Oh...we've still got quite
a lot of stuff to do, so...

Oh, Beth, Beth,
you want to meet the boy

and wish him good luck, do you not?

Well, yes, but, erm...

Ah, come over.
In about five minutes, eh?

I'll get her to put some of these
into a freezer bag for you,

and then you can get sh*t
of those wee bastards

before the big day.

Right, come on, Beth.

Chop chop.


Hello. Hi, Beth.


Beth, this is my brother, Michael.

Hello, Michael. Pleased to meet you.
How are you feeling?

Aye, I'm no' bad.
I'm good, aye. Thank you.

Well, that's good.
How are the nerves?

Aye, they're fine.

The only thing I'm worried about is
this one here making an arse of it.


Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Alan, are you looking forward to it?

Oh, aye. it's a free bar
until ten o'clock.

# Con-gratu-lations

# And celebrations! #

Ah, hello, Michelle. Hi, Christine.

All right, Christine? How you doing?

Ooh, there he is! You get in here
tae I get a proper look at ye.

Oh, aye, he's a wee bit better
to look at, eh? Ha.

Still got the same miserable face,
mind you. Do you see that, Beth?

Like a couple of gravediggers!

This is Christine.

She lives next door,
opposite your brother.

Oh, right. Aye.

I sometimes see him standing in the
upstairs bedroom inspecting himself.

Did he have a magnifying glass?

Eh? Aw, nothing, just a wee joke.

Now... Oh! I get it, right!

Oh, you're saying that he's got
a wee willy.


Aye, very funny.

A magnifying glass to see his willy!
Very funny.

Is it a wee tiddler, Michelle?

Oh, sit yourselves down.

We won't stay long, Beth.



You'll have lots to do,
Michelle, eh?



Saturday's the big day, then, is it?

It is, aye. Two o'clock.
Two o'clock?

Oh, that's a good time.

Two o'clock is an ideal time
for a wedding.

I like my funerals
a wee bit earlier,

so I can get home in time
for The Chase.

So, who's the lucky lady, eh?

Carol Ann. Carol Ann?

Oh, that's nice.

I don't like the name Carol,

but Carol Ann's just no' as bad.

So, is it all coming together, then?

Aye, aye. That was me just dropping
the rings off,

and Carol Ann's away getting her...

She's away getting
some last-minute stuff done.


Now, you'll be running about
like a blue-arsed fly yourself,

are you no'?
Not really, to be honest.

Carol Ann and her bridesmaid have
actually sorted most of it, so...

Oh, what's she called? Claire.


See, I don't like that name either.

Well, her mum's been
really helpful as well, so...

Oh, that's lovely. Oh, yes. Mm.

It's a big, big day for the mother
of the bride.

Mm-hm. Ah, just think, Beth,

you'll never get to experience that.

It's a son she's got,

and he's gay, so she'll get nothing.


So, who'd like a tea or coffee?

I'd take a tea off you, Beth.

Michael? Aye, aye, I'll take
a coffee, if it's no bother.

No bother at all.

Hey, and none of your Kenco shite.

You've got a visitor here.

Michelle? I'll come and
give you a hand, Beth.

No, no. Stay where you are.

Just a cup of tea, then, please.

Mibbe something nice
to go along with it, Beth?

Like what?

Like a sponge.

A sponge?

Yes! Well, they've got
the wedding on Saturday.

Honestly, Beth, don't go
to any trouble.

I'll check and see. But I'd have
picked something up if I'd known.

Not at all. We've just descended
on you. Oh, no.

Well, she made you come, Michelle.

Sorry about this, Michael.


So, where's your ceremony,
then, Michael?

St Luke's. Oh, St Luke's is nice.

Mmm. Aye, well, it's well named,

cos we looked at every church
in the town

before she picked that one.


He's funny.

I've been to a wedding there.
It was lovely.

Have you, aye?
Mm-hm. And a funeral.


And a coffee morning for the wee
boys and girls in the Yemen.

I bought two Empire biscuits.

What about your reception, Michael?

Oh. The Caledonian Hotel
up East Kilbride.

No, I don't know that one.

Mind the one that was in the news

for the refugees working in
the kitchen without their papers?

Oh, aye!

Oh, that one? Oh, that looked nice.

Sorry. Michael, see those favours?

See instead of bothering Carol Ann,

should I just speak to Claire
about them?

Eh, up to you.

Well, can I get her number?

Er, aye. I'll text you it.

St Luke's is a beautiful church.

Is it still Father McDonagh
that's there?

Aye, it's him that's doing it.

Oh, you'll be in good hands
with him, Michael.

Oh, yes. He's the old school.

Always stands at the back,
you know,

giving wee blessings
on the way oot, and...

Oh, he's a regular at the hospital
as well.

Oh, yes, he is a proper man of God.

How much is he charging you,


Greedy bastard.


Can I give you a hand with anything?

No, no, you're fine.

Oh, actually,

give me the milk out of the fridge
there, would you?

Looking forward to the weekend?

Yeah. It'll be lovely.

What are you wearing?
You wearing a hat?

A fascinator.

Ooh! Although Alan says it looks
like I've left a comb in my hair.

Erm...he seems very relaxed
about it all.


He's sleepwalking his way through
the whole bloody thing.

Oh, dear.

Is he not very organised?

The only thing he's organised
is getting two puddings at the meal.

Thanks, my honey.
Thank you very much, Michelle.

Thanks, Beth.
There's a wee milk.

Ah. Thank you very much.

Take two, Michael,

seeing as this is the best
she can come up with.


Oh! Hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle.

Oh, hi, Eric.

All right, Eric? How you doing?

Oh, no bad. Eric, this is
Alan's brother, Michael.

How you doing?
Pleased to meet you.

I'm fine. Pleased to meet you.

He's getting married
on Saturday, Eric.

Is that right, aye?
Aye. I finally said yes.


He's a joker, this one, Eric.

He made a very funny one earlier

about the fact that Alan's got
a small penis.

Aye... Well, eh,
congratulations, son.

Only a few days left
as a free man, eh?

Eh? Oh.
Aye. The fun stops here, eh?

No. I'm only kidding.

Getting married was the best thing
I ever did.

Aww, Eric, that's so sweet.

Getting that combi boiler

must have come a close second,
though, Eric, eh?

Eh... Eric, you didn't happen

to pick up a cake or anything,
did you?


Sorry about this, Michael.

Why? Well, it's just that
I didn't have anything

to give Michael and Alan
with their cup of tea.

Honestly, Beth, don't worry
about it.

I've got a packet of oatcakes?

No, Eric. It's fine.

I've got some Dairylea.

I'd take a couple of Dairylea
on their own. Alan...

She could have texted him,

No, it was a cake or something.

Sponge, Eric.

We're getting ready
for a wedding here.

Ah, well, I can go back out?

No, Eric. Absolutely no need.


So, eh, what's on the menu
for your reception, then, Michael?

What, like the meal? Yeah.

Well, there's a prawn cocktail

Prawn cocktail. That's nice.

It's nice with the paprika
on the top.

Beth... Beth... Paprika.

And then it's roast beef.

Ooh, good thick slices.

Make sure they've got gravy,

Keeps it moist for when
it's sitting under lamps. Oh, right.

And then it's sticky toffee pudding
or a Scottish cheese selection.

Ooh. Oh, lovely.
Beautiful choices.

I'm getting both.

So it's this weekend, is it?

Aye, that's right.
Ah. Are you the best man, Alan?

I am, aye.
Oh-ho. Is it suits or kilts? Kilts.

Oh, I love a man in a kilt.

Oh, so do I, Beth!

You'd better make sure
he's got pants on, Michelle.

On second thoughts,
you'll mibbe no' have tae bother.

So, what tartan are you going for?

Clan Moss Bros, Eric.

LAUGHING: Clan Moss Bros!



He's got a better personality
than Alan, doesn't he, Eric?

That's a point. When are you
picking them up, by the way?

Eh? The kilts.
You've to collect them.

Have I? Aye.
That's the best man's job.

We'll get them tomorrow, Michael.

Alan, that was one of
the things on the list

that I wrote out for you. Right.

Where did you put that?


Michael, does it have to be him?

Michelle, make sure you get all
the things that go with them,

you know, the socks and the sporran.

Aye, you'll need your sporran
for your hip flask.

Have you got a hip flask? Naw.

Oh, you've got to get one of them.

The best man always carries
a hip flask so he can give

the groom a wee nip,
steady his nerves.

Where will I get one of those?

Well, I've got an actual flask,
Alan. But I don't think it'll fit.

It takes two full tins o' soup,

Can we not take a quarter-bottle?

Is vodka all right, Eric? Uh...

Alan, you're not going
to your brother's wedding

with a quarter-bottle of vodka
in your sporran.

Eric, do you not have
a hip flask you can give them?

Honestly, Beth, it's fine.
We'll get up early tomorrow

and we'll go into town
and have a wee look for one.

Oh, this is it, eh?

All the running about now.

Hold on to your hats.

This is it starting to unravel.

No, it'll be OK.
Look, I'm off tomorrow, Michael,

so I'll make sure
that it's all sorted.

I think I have one somewhere.
Where would I have put it?

Well, if it's anywhere,
it'll be in that unit there.

Honestly, Eric, don't go
to any bother.

See if there's a f*cking sponge
in there while you're at it, Eric.

Right, can I get anyone
anything else?

No, we're fine, thanks, Beth.

I was sure I had one somewhere.
No, nothing there.

If it was gonna be anywhere,
it would have been in there.

I'll tell you
who will have one, though.

Ah, you all right, Eric?
How're you doing?

Ah, no' bad. Listen,

you don't happen to have
a hip flask, do you?

A hip flask? Er...

Alan's brother's getting married
and he's the best man.

What, Alan is? Aye.

Did somebody drop oot? Eh?

No, no. But it's the kilt
they're wearing

and he's no' got a hip flask.
Aye, no bother, I've got one.

I'll dig it oot, he can get it
off me later.

Great. I'll say to Michelle,
let her know.

What, Michelle?

Aye, she's in just now with Alan
and his brother.

Right, two ticks. I'll get it.
I'll bring it in now.


at the reception?
Well, that's a lot.

Aye, Carol Ann's got family
coming across fae Ireland.

North or south?

North. Christ.

Guaranteed trouble.


Where is he? Where is he?
Let's get a look at him.

Oh, yeah, not bad.

HUSHED: He's nicer looking.
Not as heavy.

CHRISTINE: Yes, isn't he, Cath?

No' so much of the big ham face
going on.

He's funny as well.
Say something funny, Michael.

Aboot what? I don't know.

Say something about his willy again.

Michael, this is Colin and Cathy.

How yous doing? Very good, squire,
and it's nice to meet you.

We stay a couple of doors along.

But we're only here an average
of weeks a year

due to...holiday commitments.

Well, it's this year, Cath.

What? Well, remember,
we've got Madeira as well.

We're going to Madeira, Michael.

Oh, here, that's a point. Where
are you off to on your honeymoon?

Dominican Republic.
ALL: Oh!

Oh, we've been there. Have we?

Aye, remember, we saw the monkey
eating the KFC?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, you'll love it, Michael.

Are you going straight
from the reception, are you?

No, we're staying overnight
in the hotel.

Have they got a bridal suite
in the Caledonian Hotel?

No, but we're getting a disabled
room with a basket of fruit in it.

Oh, lovely.

It used to be the best man
that arranged the honeymoon.

Oh, thank Christ it's no',

or you wouldnae be going
f*cking anywhere.

Oh, leave him alone.
He's doing a grand job.

Aye, good on you, Alan.

I hear you're short of one of these.

Oh, thanks very much for that,

That's really good of you.
Aye, no bother.

And what...what about you, Michelle?

You got your wee lacy garter
looked out?

That's the bride, Colin.

Oh, aye, so...so it is.

Best man, eh, Alan? Huh?

First time you've been called that,

Have you ever done
a big speech before?

No, not really. Eh, aye, you have.

When? Every time you go
into McDonald's,

you do ten minutes without a breath.


See what I mean, Cath?

More personality.

Och, don't you listen to them, Alan.
By the time you do the speech,

most folk'll be pissed,
they'll no' be listening!


Yes, they will.
Don't bother about him.

Aye, your big job's really
the rings, anyway.

What did you go for, Michael?
Something sparkly, bit of bling?

Just plain. Plain gold bands.

Oh. They're the best.

Easier for you to get opened out
if you balloon in later years.

You know, you can do some
really nice things with them.

My friend got married recently

and she got hers engraved inside
with a wee message to each other.

They even got the date put...

Who cares, Michelle?

Look at mine, Michael. Huh?

Oh, aye, that's a belter.

It's a beautiful piece, isn't it?

She's never had that off since
the day it went on, have you?

Ah, well, obviously it comes off
if you're doing that.

Plain bands are very nice,
very traditional.

That's what Eric and I have got.

Mmm. Have you had yours
opened out, then, Eric?

You know, they're actually
quite like yours, Beth.

You know, classic sort of thing.

Oh, aww.

Show Beth the rings.
You don't mind, Michael, do you?

No, f*re in.

Did you definitely give me them?

Aye, I gave you them.

Hold on. Remember he gave you them
in the house, Alan?

That's why I came over?


WHISPERS: Does it have to be him,

Is there no' even a cousin?

I can't find them.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Alan!

You put them in your pocket.
I watched you do it.

Did you maybe change your trousers?

He hasnae had they joggers off
for weeks, Beth.

Is there a hole in your pocket,

No, no. I've no' got them.


I knew this would happen.

What did I say to you?
What did I say?

They'll be here somewhere, Michael.

They maybe fell out of
your pocket when you sat down.

Lift the cushions.

Aye. Och.

Oh, wait a minute, he was
sat here as well, Michael.

Let's get these cushions up.

Lift these up, Michael.

Ugh, this is still warm
from his arse.

Take that, Michelle.
It's got Alan's bum heat on it.

Oh... See if you've lost them,
I swear to God, man...

That's them! That's them there.

Ah! Look.

He's got them, he's got them.
Shut up, Michelle.

Right, let's get a look at them.

COLIN: Oh, they are like yours
right enough, Beth.

Nothing to them.

I was sh1tting myself in case
I'd lost them.

I knew they'd be here
somewhere. Not to worry.

Panic over. Well done, Alan.

Whit? How long did it take you
to lose them there?

I know. Sorry. Swear to God,

you'd better get your act together.
It'll be fine.

Better be.

Look, nothing's worth falling out
about, is it?

Aye, it'll all work out.
You'll have a brilliant day.


So, what's the forecast
for Saturday anyway?

One big f*ck-off barney

when that crowd fae Larne
get a drink into them!

It'll be lovely. There's plenty of
time to sort it all,

and I am sure you'll be
completely organised by the weekend.

Won't you, Alan?
Aye, I will.

Right. Let's get these
cushions back, then, yeah?

Come on! Chop chop, Michelle!

Get your wee Dustbuster
in there later, Beth,

cos there's a fair bit of build-up.

Here, Beth, did I tell you
what I found

down the side of my big recliner?

D specs, Michael.

Oh, right.

I tried them on,
but they didnae work.

So, who's the lucky lady, then?
What's her name?

Carol Ann.

And are you the bridesmaid,
are you, Michelle?

Oh, no, that's Carol Ann's
best friend, Claire.

They're actually really close.

They're more like sisters,
aren't they, Michael?

Oh, aye, aye.

Did you go to the hen night,

I did, yeah. Whoa!

Where did you go, Michelle?

Oh! f*cking all bets off there!


Oh, Newcastle's a very popular
destination for hen weekends.

Aye, that Quayside is like
Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oof! Here, Beth, do you remember
Jimmy Nail?

Was it mental, Michelle?

Oh, no, it wasn't that bad.

# Crocodile shoes

# Crocodile shoo-di-dooes... #


ALAN: She took the Monday off,
sat in her pyjamas

the whole day, then phoned for a
Chinese at four in the afternoon.



Oh! Look, I may have been a bit
tired, but it wasn't that crazy.

Carol Ann said yous started drinking
the minute you got on the train.

Oh, I love drinking on trains.

Well, I might have had
a couple on the way down.

And planes. And taxis.

And what did you get up to
when you were there?

Was there a bit of adult
entertainment, was there, Michelle?

Well, eh...Claire might have
booked some strippers.

Oh. Ooh. Oh!

Was it the Chippendales, Michelle?

No, it was nothing like that.

They weren't even that great,
to be honest.

Aww, really, Michelle?

Their dicks not big enough
for you, no?

No, they were rubbish. I mean,
they literally just came in,

did a bit of a dance, took a selfie
with Carol Ann,

and then they were offskis,
away on to the next one.

Och, you're joking? I know.

You know, I have been to see
The Full Monty, though,

and that was brilliant.

I mean, that was done very well.

I loved that.

But these guys, they weren't
that great, to be honest.

Och, that's a shame, so it is.

Did they do the windmill, Michelle?

Cathy's been to see the Dreamboys
live. Haven't you, Cath?

Oh, you'd love them, Michelle.

They don't let you touch, though.

I got her the DVD
for her birthday. Didn't I?

You did. I made him learn
one of the dances from it.

Aye, just a bit of fun, you know?

You do a bit of it. Aww...

Er, look, I don't...

He's not gonna do all of it.

Come on. Show Michelle
how it's supposed to be done.

Oh, no.

For Michelle? Er, OK. Just a...
Just a quick blast.

No, Colin, I really don't think
now is the moment...

Yeah, go on, Col!

MUSIC: Horny '
by Mousse T

Here we go! Whoo!

Go on, Colin. Whoo!

Beth, Beth, he's about to get
down and dirty.

Here, the only thing dirty
about her is her couch!


# Dirty, dirty, dirty couch

# Oh, dirty

# Dirty, dirty couch! #

Right, Colin, that'll do us.

Come on, guys, help me out here.

There's too many of them
for me to handle on my own.

Come on, guys. Up you get,
up you get!

Come on. It's dead easy.

It's just this, this,

then pump, pump, pump!

Eric, come on!

Get your cock out. Oh, for...

Come on. Whoo.

Come on!
Michael, Alan, get up.

Let's see who's bigger!

It'll be him.

Oh, go, go, go! Whoo!

No! No' with my good pellets.


Right, Colin, that is enough.

Cathy, get that music off.


Off. Give it...



Oh, she's boring,

she's so boring, Michael.

I bet you're glad you're not
marrying her.

# So boring
Boring, boring, boring! #

Sorry about this, Michael.
No, it's cool.

Just a bit of fun. You know?

Can I offer you another coffee
at all?

No, no, I'm all right.
I need to get going anyway.

I said to Carol Ann I'd go
and pick her up.

Aww. Oh, don't go, Michael.

I think we should be making a move
as well.

Thanks very much
for having us round, Beth.

No problem, Michael.
Thanks so much.

It was really nice
to see you, Christine.

Aww, bless you, Michelle.

And Michael, all the very best
for your big day on Saturday.

Here, and give Father McDonagh
my regards.

Aye, no bother, I will, aye.

Here, Michael.

Mention my name

and see if you can knock him down
a bit.

£ ?!

You could get a f*cking cathedral
for that.

Now, have you got everything?
You got your hip flask?

Alan, you got the hip flask?

What hip flask?

I've got it here. I'm joking!


Have you filled it for them?

No. Well, I've not had much of
a chance.

For God's sake, Eric!

You can't let them go away
with an empty hip flask.

That is bad luck.


I'll tell you what is bad luck.

Diarrhoea on your big day.

Can you imagine, Beth?

Diarrhoea in a kilt?

Put something in it
for them, Eric,

for them to take away. Sure.

Make sure it's the good stuff in it,
Eric. None of your Aldi shite.

Well, Michael, I hope it all
goes well.

All the best.

Hope Carol Ann enjoys her day.

And, eh...

..and her night.

Have a lovely day, Michael.

And, you know, just try
and relax and enjoy it.

I will. Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.

You too, Alan. I am sure
you'll do a grand job.

Thank you, Beth.
There you go, son. Ah.

Here, have you got
your speech sorted, Alan?

More or less. I just need
to practise it more

so that I know it off by heart. Oh,
let us hear a wee bit of it. Yeah!

Naw. Ah, come on, just a bit.

Come on, Alan.

All right.

Shhh. Shh.

Well, I'd like to thank you all
for coming.

Thanks to the kitchen
for that beautiful food.

That beef was out of this world.

On a similar note,

I'm sure you all agree

that Carol Ann looks
absolutely beautiful.

So does her chief bridesmaid,

Two absolute smashers, so they are.

Aww. ERIC: Very nice, yeah.


Lovely, yeah.

Right, listen, we need to get
going. We need to go, so...

Hey, hang about. Oh, give us
one of the wee stories.

The whit?
One of the stories about him.

I mean, you must have dug up
some stuff about the groom.

I mean, forget everything else.

That is the best man's
number-one job.


I've got a couple. But...

Oh, listen, you should save it
for Saturday, should you not?

Yeah, you'll spoil the surprise.

Michael's no' meant to hear
the speech

until you do it at the reception.

Aye, but what about the stuff
you couldnae use, though?

You could tell us that. Colin...

Go on, Alan.

Well, there was one thing
that Davey Hamilton told me,

but there was no way
I was putting that in.

Oh, was it Thailand?

He's a d*ck if he's told you
about that.

No, no, it's no' that.

Was it the T In The Park one?
No, no.

Wisnae T In The Park.

Oh, well, it cannae be
that bad, then.

Go on, tell us.

Tell us!

He says you've been shagging Claire
for the last three years

and Carol Ann doesn't know
anything about it.

Have you paid McDonagh
up front, Michael?

MUSIC: Oh! Brother
by The Fall

# Oh, little brother

# We are in a mess

# Don't look at me that way

# And don't put me to the test

# When I first... #
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