01x08 - Big Man on Hippocampus

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Krapopolis". Aired October: November 27, 2023 - present.*
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Adult sitcom set in mythical ancient Greece and centers on a flawed family of humans, gods and monsters trying to run one of the world's first cities without k*lling each other.
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01x08 - Big Man on Hippocampus

Post by bunniefuu »

[brass fanfare]

- Can you believe
we're at hephaestus'

Technology convention?

Are you so excited?
- Yeah.

If there's two things
smart people love,

It's huge crowds
and more smart people.

Is that a giant automaton?

I didn't even know
that was possible yet.

- Welcome to volcon.

I am not an automaton.

I am a living giant,
painted gold

And forced to repeat
this message

By mechanized t*rture,

Which is arguably
more impressive.

Welcome to volcon.

- Ah, I should not
have looked up.

- Were they painted gold?

- Someone may have d*ed trying.

Tyrannis, you're happy
with my work

As your inventor, right?

You didn't, like,
bring me here to show me

How replaceable I am?
- That's your take?

How can the smartest guy
in my family

Also be the most childish
and least secure?

- I don't know, maybe years
of you saying stuff like that?

- Hippocampus,
you're my big brother

And a genius,
and I brought you here

To connect with great thinkers.

So, please, grow up and enjoy it

Because I'm giving you
a priceless opportunity.

- Two chickens, please.
- Two chick...

I thought this was
a priceless opportunity.

- Two adults, two chickens.

- This was our lunch and dinner.

- No outside food or drinks.
We do sell eggs.

- Oh, I bet you do.

[plucky music]

♪ ♪

- [crowing]

- [moos]

- Where is everyone?

- Ty and hippo
are at a tech convention,

And stupendous is adventuring,
leaving their parents

An entire palace
for their erotic playground.

- Aren't you, like, ,?

How does sex still interest you?

- I married the goddess of it.

- That was a test,
and you passed.

- Mm.

- I'm in the room.
- Why?

- Emergency... I was adventuring
with my friend felix,

And we started fighting
a medusa.

- The medusa.
- What?

- Medusa is one
of several gorgons.

You can fight
the medusa or a gorgon.

You can't fight a medusa.

- I don't think felix cares.

I need a ride to the nearest
temple of athena.

- Why?

- The only way to reverse
a medusa stoning is to...

- Gorgon stoning.
- Do you want to die today?

- I'll stop helping.

- The only way to reverse this
is a sacrifice to athena.

- Ha, you do realize athena
created the gorgons,

Which include medusa?

- Thank you.
- So?

- So her crappy monster
turns people to stone,

And the only way to undo it
is to worship her?

Talk about a scam.

- Can we talk about it
on the way to the temple?

- I'm not flying my daughter
back to that hack's temple

To reverse her clumsy cursing.

I'll turn your friend
back to flesh myself.

- You can do that?

- Did she just ask
if I can do that?

- She did.
- I'm sorry?

- Give me your stupid friend.

You can do that?
That's you.

- Can she do it?
- Not sure.

[deep plucky music]

- What's your invention, friend?

- A standard unit of measure
called the ned.

This stick is a quarter ned.

You are and / quarter neds.
- I suppose you're ned.

- Easy to remember.

- We should use
the ned system back home.

- I can measure things
with my own height.

- What are you, like, / ned?

That's a lot
of extra calculations

Just to service your vanity.

- I officially hate it here.

- Because you think
it's a competition.

You practically
att*cked the creator

Of the miniature bucket.
- It's a cup!

- So?

You know what's more useful
than one genius, hippocampus?

willing to work together.

- Hey, do not use me
as a metric of...

I mean,
do use me as a metric, but...

- I was right.

You brought me here
because you think I'm useless.

- I never said that.

But have you ever
invented anything

That anyone actually asked for?

- That wouldn't
be very inventive, would it?


- Must be nice.

Ned, where's
the hephaestus panel happening?

- It's about stevens south...

Neds, neds.

- Did you say stevens?

- Slip of the tongue... neds.

- Who's steven?
- Exactly.

- Ma, can I just have
my friend back?

I'm coming in.
She bailed.

- That's not like her.
- Yes, it is.

- Fair enough.

- Someone open
this door, please.

Thank you.

But if you're going to be
in here, cover your eye.

- Is that the medusa?
- Not for long.

- [hissing]

- Yes, darling,
get over yourself.

You are henceforth,

- [hissing]

- Easy, girl, easy.
- What's a "reversadusa"?

- I think it's self-explanatory.

Turn the statue to look at her.
Hey. Hey. Here.

Over here, here, honey.

Ah, hmm.
Should have seen that coming.

- Did it work?
- I have a process.

- Hello, volcon!
I'm chris hardwick.

I'm moderating this panel
and, due to a curse,

All panels
until the end of time.

But hey, you didn't sleep
outside on the gravel

For a month to hear my story.

You waited to see
the god of making stuff,

The father of forges,
the master of metal,


[triumphant orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- Huh? Huh?
Pretty cool.

- Whatever.

- Let them hear you, guys.

Oh, hephaestus,
where is your hammer?

Oh, no, everyone,
hephaestus doesn't seem

To have his... oh, wait a minute.

What is happening right now?
Oh, my gods!

[cheers and applause]

Come on!


That is why you come
to volcon, folks.

It ain't for the eggs.

Hephaestus, what are you
working on these days?

- I'm making a new hat
for hermes with smaller wings.

- Pfft.
- Don't do that.

- Don't tell me what to do.

- And I'm working on a chariot
for apollo, the sun god.

- What's apollo like?
- Hot, chris.

- [laughs]
- pfft.

- I'm sorry, someone keeps
making a very critical,

Unimpressed, pfft sound.
- It's a tech convention.

You know, half the audience
just breathes weird.

- I think it was that guy there,

The guy with the glass helmet.
- It's okay.

He's my brother,
and he's non-verbal.

- That's not true.

- More of a half-brother,

- Why are you using your talent
to make toys and trinkets

For a bunch of royal normies

That are never
gonna respect you?

- I've never met
this man in my life.

- Oh, you're expert on respect,
are you?

Should I respect you more
than all these other fans

Because, why,
because you're more jaded?

Less polite?

- Because I picked the lock
you made for prometheus.

[audience gasps]

- What the...?
- How'd you make this?

- It's complicated.
- What's your name?

- Hippocampus.
- That is a stupid name.

But guys like us have
to work with what we're given.

This is my new friend,
hippocampus the great.

[cheers and applause]

- That's my brother.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.

Hey, I'll see you guys there.

I'm going on a tour
of hephaestus' volcano.

- Is that a plus-one situation?

- I could ask.

I just don't want to seem
rude or unprofessional though.

- Right, not anymore.

I'll just go wait on the boat

And fondly remember
my two chickens.

- You mad?
- No, I'm happy for you.

- You did want me
to connect with great thinkers.

Speaking of, there's this girl...

She wants to have lunch.

She has an idea called paper.

It's like foldable clay.
- I'd love to meet her.

- Oh, well,
it's a creative thing.

- Yeah, like the volcano tour.
- Priceless opportunities.

I'll meet you at the boat.

- I'll be there, probably.

Paper sounds stupid.
I hope the volcano erupts.

Oh... ooh.
- Do not look at my b*lls.

- Sorry. Sorry.

- No, wait. Wait.
Please, please!

- Shlub, you're the only one
she's gonna listen to.

- Yes, because she trusts me.
- Yes.

So tell her to let this go
so I can take felix to athena.

- Then she'll stop trusting me.

- I don't think
you know what trust is.

- Well, in strict terms,
it's a belief in reliability,

As one might trust
a wall to hold a ceiling.

it's knowing another

Has your best interests
at heart.

- Okay, maybe you do know
what it is.

But I also think
you're just scared to say stuff

She doesn't want to hear.
- A fine distinction.

Let's discuss it
over a drink while your mother

Does whatever she wants
and trusts me to support it.

- Or...
- Or what?

- Just sit still, please!

- [screams] help us.

- What?
You can't sculpt without clay.

Oh, I thought
I had at that time.

Don't worry.
It's all part of the process.

Trust the process.

- Such a cool workshop.

- It actually
used to be a volcano.

- Hard to believe.

Aren't you gonna ask
how I picked your lock?

- You turned the third cylinder.

I designed it that way.

- Who designs
a lock to be picked?

- Come here.

You know, I was also born
with certain challenges.

- No offense, heph,
I can't breathe or walk.

But I will allow the comparison.

- When I was born,
my parents threw me away.

I don't mean that figuratively.

My dad could throw, you know?

He threw lightning for a living.

I went...

- That sucks.

- Glad it happened.
Made me what I am.

You know who my wife is?
- Aphrodite.

- And what's that say
about the gods?

- They're tolerant of incest?
- You know what family is?

I figured this out.
It's a disease.

You're born with it.

You have no say in the one
you get, and you don't need it,

But, boy, does it need you.

I designed that lock
to be picked

Because my father
is an insane bully,

Just like prometheus,
just like heracles,

Who everyone thinks
freed prometheus

Because handsome, stupid asses

Think they run the world.

And that's how ugly,
smart people like it.

- Is it possible
for the brain to get a boner?

[upbeat music]

- Got anything warm
and comforting?

- My mother-in-law is lactating.

- I'll have a beer.

- Hey, want to hear
a derogatory joke

About inventors?

I assume you're also a king

That paid to bring
his science dork here

And got ditched?

I'm minos from crete.

- Tyrannis, krapopolis.
What's the joke?

- What do you get
what an inventor

Crosses your wife with a bull?

A flesh-eating monstrosity that
has to be kept in a labyrinth.

I guess you had to be there.
- Ah!

Ugh, what is this?

- Oh, you ordered the beer.
So sorry.

- Well, don't give me
that one now.

- New one's gonna take a while.

- Then I'll have a free beer
while I wait.

- Oh, non-kings.

- How long are you gonna
let this go on for?

- I don't see
any downside to letting

Your mother keep trying.
[villagers screaming]

- I think they might see
a downside.

- Damn it!
Double damn it!


- What do you want?

I've got to work this out
before the shipment

Of new servants
gets here from thebes.

- I think it might be time
for you to admit

You don't know how to reverse
a medusa stoning

And give up.

- Hubris!

what have I done?

- Don't blame yourself.
This is mostly my fault.

I saw you struggling,
and I let you go on

Because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

- No, I've been so consumed
with proving

I could undo
athena's hacky monster nonsense

That I overreacted a bit.

- At least I know stupendous
won't eat me.

That girl's never touched
a vegetable in her entire life.

- Where have you been?

Are you hungover?

- It's called still being drunk.

There's a difference.

- Hephaestus offered me a job.

- So why are you even here?
- What's that mean?

I want to talk to you about it.

- You mean gloat about it.

You want me to beg you
to do me the favor of breeding

My wife with a bull?

- When did you get either
of those things?

- It's a metaphor.

- You're the one
that called me useless!

- Is that what I said?

You're so creative
about remembering what I say,

Do you remember me asking you
to invent written language?

- It's a bad idea.

- I'll have to take
your word for it.

I guess everything I ask for
is beneath your genius,

So it's no loss
to me if you quit.

- Now there's an idea
I can get behind.

- Wow.
I did it, everybody.

I finally got smart enough
to know it's all about him.

- Hate you!
- Hate you!

- Nerd fight.
- Nerd fight.

- Nerd fight.

- Nerd fight.
- Guys, stop nerd fighting.

- I'm a king.
- Okay, well...

- I know I'm nerdy for a king.

That doesn't make it
a nerd fight.

- What's this all about?
- Just saying goodbye.

- What about all your stuff?
- Give it away.

- Even your fully articulated,
life-size wooden lady?

- I don't know
what you're describing,

But it sounds way less shameful
than snooping.

Goodbye, tyrannis.

- Oh, I'm not leaving just yet.

I'm on an island
full of your replacements.

- Is everything... steven?

- Ned, I heard
about your ned system.

Sounds familiar.
- Easy, steven.

[both grunting]

- Nerd fight?

- Hey, there's my superstar.
- Can't wait to start.

- I know you're not a rule guy,
and you're in luck.

There are none.

- [laughs] yeah!

- Here's your workstation.
- Got it. What do I do first?

- First, you never
ask that again.

- Sorry.
- I really mean it, hippo.

Your job here
is simply to create,

Preferably three or four things
before sundown.

And if anything you come up with

Becomes a hephaestus original,
well, there's upward movement.

- So my job is to create
hephaestus originals?

- Okay, don't flatter yourself.
I'm not exploiting you.

By the time I'm done
making your stuff work,

You'll be the one getting
the undeserved credit,

Which trust me, you will take

When you leave me
for a better job.

- Oh, I'm not gonna leave.
- Oh, yes, you will.

You didn't get here by being
loyal to your stupid brother,

Did you?
It's okay.

I expect you to leave.
I'm not stupid.

I'm arguably the god
of the opposite of stupid.

And I'd rather work
with genuine talent

Than phony sycophants!

- Maybe I can be both.
- I welcome the attempt.

People do earn my trust...

To an extent.

Aphrodite married me because
I have the only heart

Even she can't find.

- That's pretty dark, boss.

- [laughs]

We're pieces of work, aren't we?

Don't get back to work.

- [sighs] living the dream.

- So you'd call yourself
a collaborative inventor?

- Yes, I believe
it's more important

To collaborate than innovate.
- Ah, so refreshing.

I'm interested in my city
developing written language.

- Nope, not a thing.
- Not a thing?

- Human speak words
and they draw pictures.

Nobody can draw
pictures of words.

That's nonsense.
- And is this us collaborating?

- Well, there's collaborating,

And there's indulging
childish fantasy.

You see some futuristic world
where people are writing

Everything down and,
what was the other thing?

Pooping into tubes
that transport feces

To a new location
after leaving the butt?

- Well, you're making
it sound like...

- Who even spends time
thinking about this?

- Preferably someone
in your position.

- Then I'm afraid
this interview is over.

- You'll be back
to your stunning self

In no time, darling,
but if you can,

Do try not to snack on you.

- As long as no one
invents ranch dressing

In the near future,
I should be all right.

- I'm glad you guys
are having personal growth,

But felix has kids.

- And that is why you should
take him to athena's temple,

Which I now allow because
I am capable of everything,

Including change.
- Okay.

And you'll give me a ride there

Since I could have walked
by now.

- I was just vulnerable.

You don't get two things.
Piss off.

- That's on-brand.

Would you at least keep
an eye on felix while I pack?

- Fine.
- You're an amazing mother.

- And you're still sexy,
even as part carrot.

- Oh, you naughty deity.
Oh, yes.

Now you're talking.

No, I want him to watch.

Very good.
Oh, yes.

Oh, here we go.

[indistinct chatter]

- [sighs]

What's the excitement?

- There's a king interviewing
inventors at the dock.

Whoever gets the job gets
an entire lab in his palace...

With underground lair.

- That's my...
Definition of a nightmare,

Probably in the middle
of nowhere.

- Good.
Small pond, big fish.

Sorry, is that offensive to you?

- I'll get over it.

- I hear this king is interested

In some pretty out-there stuff:
A sewage system,

Written language.

- See, now that's offensive.

I mean, is he a king
or a creative?

Hephaestus doesn't even care
what we invent.

- You got that right.

- This king
you're talking about,

He'll be all up in your stuff.

How's it going?
What are you working on?

I have thoughts.

He's going to think he owns you.

- Free lab, room and board.
Um, own me, daddy.

- Seriously, but please,
don't apply for the job.

You'd just get it.

- Yeah, it's always the people
that don't give a crap.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

- You can put your inventions
down wherever there's space.

- Thanks.
What you working on?

- A hat for hermes.
- Third one?

- He had thoughts.

- Hermes had thoughts
about his hat,

And here, you're surrounded by...

What's this?
- I don't know.

It's called a computer.

It's a machine that calculates...

Why do you feel comfortable
interrupting me like this?

Are you unfamiliar
with being fired?

- I guess I've only ever quit.

A machine that calculates?
- Oh, does that impress you?

- It might be a little more
important than a third draft

Of hermes's hat.

- Well, can I show you
something even better?

- Yeah!


- Dude!

It gets better.

Look at this.

What do you think, dude?

You like that, dude?

- Why?

- Because it's not
what you wanted.

So now you understand,
you don't control me.

- But hermes does?
- No!

You insipid little fish man,
I control everything.

I choose my jobs.
I choose my goals.

I have already finished proving
I am better than everyone

And that I don't need anyone.

I guess you haven't proven that?

I have!
It's a thing you can prove.

And do you know what I now
have decided to make happen?

- You want them to like you.
- There you go, buddy!

There you go.

Is that okay with you?

Remember when your brother tried

To protect you at the panel?

Nobody in my family, nobody,
has done that for me.

- Ty, wait!

- Hold on one moment.

- Excuse me.
Excuse me.

- Hippo!
- Ty!

I'm sorry.
- I am too.

What happened?

- Well, I was definitely
right to change jobs

Because I'm right
about everything,

Which is why I had to leave.

They found me
ment*lly intimidating

And distracting sexually.

- That's truly unbelievable.

But I'm glad it happened
because you're irreplaceable.

- I would have invented
your brains out.

Lab wrecker.

- Who was that?
- I didn't see anybody.

- Hephaestus thanks you
for attending volcon.

I am not an automaton.

I am a living, suffering giant.

Have a safe journey home.

My joints are limited
to predefined movements

Carried out by
a complex system of gears.

We look forward
to seeing you next year.

Enjoy your lives.

They could be worse.

I have a family.

I'm a foodie.
I love to travel.

Tell my story, but also,
tell the world about volcon.

I have had an itch
on my back for over a year.

Someone, please scratch it.

And please, come back to volcon.

Before this,
I was a giant doctor.

I saved people's lives,

The way you should save the date

For next year's volcon.

- Ah.

[indistinct chatter]

hello, print-con!

I'm chris hardwick.

I'm moderating this panel
and, due to a curse,

All panels
until the end of time.

But you didn't sleep
on a pile of plague rats

For a month to hear about me.

You're here
for the prince of the press,

The mage of the page,
johann gutenberg!

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.
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