Matt Rife: Natural Selection (2023)

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Matt Rife: Natural Selection (2023)

Post by bunniefuu »

[cheering, applauding]

["Many Men (Wish Death)" by 50 Cent


Many men wish death upon me

Blood in my eye, dawg, and I can't see

I'm tryin' to be

What I'm destined to be

And n*gga tryin' to take

my life away...

[mouthing] Thank you so much, man. Wow!

My back on the wall,

Now you gon' see

Better watch how you talk

When you talk about me

Cause I'll come

and take your life away

Many men

Many, many, many, many men

Wish death 'pon me

Lord, I don't cry no more...

[audience cheering, applauding]

[shouts] D.C., what's going on?

Oh my God. [chuckles excitedly]

Thank you.

Thank you. Sit down, sit down,

get comfortable, my God.

Thank you so much.


[audience cheering, applauding]

[Matt sighs gently]

Thank you.

Thank you so much, man.

Washington, D.C.

We're doing Netflix, baby.

We're doin' it. We're doin' it. Oh!

This is so cool, man. I wish...

[mouth clicks] I wish my grandpa

could see this.

He, um... I... I... I always wanted

to bring him here to visit.

You know, he knew how much I loved D.C.,

and he... he...

he loved Maryland.

It was like his favorite state, which...

- [audience cheering]

- Well, wh...

Well, which, you know,

is... is a valid response

unless you've been to Baltimore,

because it too... [breathes sharply]

[sneeringly] What the f*ck is going on

in Baltimore, dude?

[inhales] Mar... Bro, Maryland as a state

cannot pick a tone, dawg.

Just pick one...

It's so beautiful

and so ratchet for no reason.

[audience laughing]

Can y'all just pick a tone, man?

All of Maryland. Y'all drive

to the beach with your top down

and then go to Baltimore

and lock all your doors.

You know, no middle ground ever, man.

I've only been to Baltimore one time.

I ate lunch there, and the hostess,

who seats you at the restaurant,

had a black eye.

[audience laughing]

A full black...

It wasn't like, "What happened?"

I... It was pretty obvious what happened.

We couldn't get over the fact,

"This is the face of the company?"

Like, "This is... This is

who you have greeting people?"

And my boy, who I was with

was like, "Yeah, I feel bad for her."

"I feel like they should, you know,

put her in the kitchen or something...

where nobody has to see

her face, you know."

And I was like, "Yeah, but I feel like

if she could cook, she wouldn't

have that black eye."

So... [laughing]

[audience laughing]

Testing the water,

seeing if y'all are gonna be fun or not.

- Just wanted to see.

- [whistling]

Just wanted to see. [chuckles, inhales]

I figure if we start

with domestic v*olence,

the rest of the show should be...

should be pretty smooth

sailing after that.

[sighs gently] Yeah,

of course, I felt bad for her, man.

She should've had her protection crystals,

you know what I mean?

[laughing, squealing]

Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man.

This crystal sh*t is getting

out of control.


put the f*ck' pebbles down, okay?

We are sick and tired of walking

into your bedroom

looking like we gotta b*at you

in a game of mancala

before we can sleep with you.

What the f*ck is

all this gravel doing inside, Thanos?

I swear, the biggest issue

with crystal girls

is the fact it's their entire personality,

and they won't shut up about it.

I mean, you even, God forbid,

bring it up mid-conversation.

[mimicking woman] Aw!

This is my favorite one.

This is, um...

This is a piece of green Peruvian jade,

and it provides me with, like, strength

and... and... and protection

and... and... and...

and no, it doesn't.

[audience laughing]

No, it's not, okay.

That's a broken shard

of a Heineken bottle that you... [laughs]

...that you bought

from a white dude with dreadlocks,

who also runs a throat goat yoga class.


Say what it really is, some bullshit.

The only thing it's protecting is me

from dating another girl

who's p*ssy tastes like kombucha.


- [audience laughing hysterically]

- No more hippie sh*t.


Maybe get back to using real deodorant?

No more of this organic deodorant sh*t

that lasts shorter

than f*ck' fruit-stripe gum.

Okay? No more.

Y'all remember that garbage?

- [audience] Yeah!

- It would last two chews.

That's y'all walking around, two smacks,

stinkin' all over again, dude.

I'm so sick of it, man. [inhales]

This hippie sh*t is gonna be

the death of me, I swear.

If I hear one more person blame

how their life is going on Mercury,

[huffing sharply]

I will k*ll you myself. Do you understand?

You leave that g*dd*mn planet alone.

I'm so tired of you ladies blaming

your poor decision-making skills

on planets that don't even know you.

[audience laughing]

Get this through your head.

Astrology is not

this magical life guideline

that... that predetermines

your future in the stars.

No, none of that.

Your future is depended

by your thoughts, opinions, and actions.

You are in complete control of

how your future turns out.

It's not up here. It's in here

the whole time. It's up to you.


It has nothing to do with the stars, man.

Just because Jupiter has a ring,

and you don't, doesn't mean...

[audience laughing hysterically]

...that's who you're supposed to look up to

for all this magical advice, man.

And stop trying

to explain it so confidently,

you look stupid every time.

It's so... The girl of your dreams

will look you straight in the eyes

and say some dumb sh*t,

like, "Would you even know

how the universe works?"

[inhales] No, but tell me, Professor.

"There's a planet called Mercury.

When it slows its rotation around the sun,

it causes retrograde 98 million miles away

and that's why my life

is just in absolute shambles."

[mimics whimpering]

"Like it's literally not even up to me."


it's in the stars and... [hoarsely], we're literally all stardust."

"You know what I mean?"

Yeah, you're gonna die alone.

[audience laughing]

'Cause you can't take responsibility

for your own actions.

Your life isn't in shambles

because of a planet in the sky.

It's because you can't live

without a vape in your mouth.

And you only f*ck guys

who need to borrow your car.


[cheering, applauding]

- Yeah.

- [audience whooing]

That's why your life is in shambles.

You're worried about Mercury

while he crashing your Saturn.

How stupid do you feel?

[cheering, applauding]

Wrong planet, b*tch. Guess again.

[hoarsely] Yeah, it's gonna k*ll me, man.

I feel it's

a younger generational thing too, right?

The crystals and astrology and all that.

Which makes sense.

I f*ck' hate young people, dude.

I really do. Ah!

[whooing, cheering]

Anybody... anybody my age or younger,

you don't have anything to offer me, man.

I just... I... You're so rude!

Young people are so disrespectful

even when they're not trying to be.

Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo

of John Lennon on the back of my arm,

and it's... it's pretty f*ck' obviously

John Lennon.

Like, it's... it's a good tattoo. As soon as

I post it on Instagram, everybody was,

"He's a Harry Potter fan?"

I was like, f*ck these kids, dude.

That is so disrespectful to one

of the greatest musicians of all time.

Like, John Lennon got

f*ck' Avada Kedavra on his back,

and that's why he's not here. No.

Same glasses,

but he's the boy who didn't live.

I know, and if that made you sad,

you're my audience.

- Good. I like you a lot. Good.

- [applauding]

It also breaks my heart. That's good.

[inhales sharply]

God, I hate young people.

And there's no middle ground.

I hate young people, and I... [hoarsely]

...I f*ck' love

old people.

[audience cheering, whooing, applauding]

Oh my God.

It is... it is really

an unhealthy obsession.

It is. Oh, bro,

I would f*ck a grandma in a heartbeat.

I really would do it.

I'd do it.

- [woman yells]

- You can.

- [laughing]

- I don't know if you've done research.

You can f*ck as many as you want,

and there's no law against it.

As many as you want. As many as you want.

You just gotta be gentle about it.

You can't...

You can't choke 'em.

You gotta, like, kink their oxygen.

Know what I mean? [laughing]

[laughing, applauding]

Aah, not today. not today.

You're all right. You're fine.

Walker it off.

f*ck being somebody's first.

But somebody's last? That's a flex.

Oh, my goodness.


That's where I thrive, baby.

I'm out here cleanin' it up.

They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg.

I'm just out here snatchin' souls,

you know what I mean?

Oh, dude, I do... I love old people so much.

Like, the more an old person

is shaped like a candy cane.

[laughing hysterically]

[hoarsely] Dude.

I love a f*ck who just...


He just can't even look up.

Even he doesn't know

how much life is ahead of him.

You know what I mean? Just...

That's the weight of a good life lived,

f*ck' up his back, man. Ugh...

You old persons

gotta have bad posture, man.

That tells you lived

your life to the fullest.

If you meet one with good posture,

they dodged the draft 100%.

You don't have my respect. Sorry.

Oh, man.

They gotta have bad pos.

The worst an old person's posture,

the better the stories.

"How'd you get like that?" Used to be

my favorite part about visiting

my great-grandmother

at the hospice center she was at

for her remaining years

when I was a teenager.

She's where they take care of you

for your remaining time,

and my mom would drop us off

for like three or four hours,

which is great.

I wanna spend time with my grandma,

but my grandma also had dementia,

so, 25 minutes in, I could be like,

"I'm gonna get some more water,"

and she'd be,

"There's a lot of Blacks." I'm like...

[audience laughing]

The... There's more for sure, um...

I could excuse myself

and go do my own thing.

It's not that I didn't love her

or didn't wanna hang out.

People with dementia can't remember,

so there's not a lot to talk about.

And it just so happened the guy,

Lenny, in the room right next to her

remembered everything.

This guy was

the coolest person I had ever met.

He was 97 and had

the coolest life I ever heard of.

He'd tell me story after story

after story for hours and hours on end,

and they were captivating.

He lived a very full life.

He fought in three wars in his lifetime.

He climbed five mountains.

- [cheering]

- He, um...

Yeah, he... he told me he f*cked Rosa Parks.

[audience laughing]

I know, in the front of the bus.

and I was like...

[audience laughing]

I think you have dementia. I don't think...

that happened the way you remembered it.

Wouldn't the back of the bus

be more private?

I feel like you could put in

some work back there, but well,

that's the cons of being young, I guess.

You can't fact-check

an old person's story. I wasn't there.

I hate being young.

I don't know nothin'. I'm 28.

I don't know for sure

that Michael Jackson was Black.

[audience laughing]

Y'all keep saying it. I didn't see it.

And every photo I've seen,

he was an Asian woman, so I...

[audience laughing]

I'll never know.

It frustrates me to no end, man.

I love old people, dude.

I wish my entire audience was

like 65 and up.

Oh my God.

Yeah. It'd be a much shorter career, but...

[audience laughing]

They take into consideration

who they've seen.

I'm kinda flattered, you know.

What I love about old stories,

like hearing Lenny's stories

for hours on end

is it inspires me to think

about the stories I'm gonna have to tell

when I get to that age.

I hope I live a full life

and have fun stories to pass down.

I liked hearing about his w*r stories,

his adventures, his family stories.

That excited me the most,

to have a family someday.

I'm excited to have kids, but not now.

No, not now.

Things are going very well, um...

[audience laughing]

I'm also terrified to have kids, man,

'cause I've made fun of a lot of people.

[audience laughing]

And if you believe in karma...

[hisses, grunts heavily]

My kid is about to be f*cked up, dude.

My kid is about to have five legs

and a shark fin on his back.

He is about to be a monstrosity.

[inhales] And I know I'm not mature enough

to have that conversation

when he's finally, like,

"Why am I like this?"

[whines gruntingly] f*ck!

I'm just there, like...



'Cause Daddy's funny.

You know. [chuckles]

I've made a lot of people laugh.

So will you.

[audience laughing]


For different reasons, but you know.

If they pay the admission.

[woman laughing hysterically]

I think it's mainly about timing for me.

I wanna pick the right time

to have kids 'cause I... I'm 28,

so realistically,

I have all the time in the world, but...

The benefits of being a guy,

we don't have to rush

into starting a family.

We can have kids whenever we want,

which I don't think is fair to women,

considering women are the ones

who literally have to have the baby.

Doesn't make sense you'd have

to compete against this biological clock.

It seems messed up.

'Cause for... for women, you can wait

till you're older, but the older you get,

don't the odds start to go up

of your kid being...

[audience laughing]

"...first to lunch," we'll call it.

[audience laughing]

Is there a nicer way to say it?

You can groan all you want,

but don't act like 25 minutes

before you were allowed to go,

you didn't have to watch them

hauling ass down the hallway.

[laughing] You were just like...



Naruto is gonna drink up

all the spaghetti.


[cheering, laughing]

[audience laughing hysterically]

Not to say it's a bad thing.

I... I... In fact, I actually think

it's kinda cool to see the way God works.

If you pay attention, God always finds

a way of evening things out.

God always replaces

a negative with a positive.

Anytime you see somebody

who is born... less fortunate

in a certain aspect, you don't gotta worry

'cause God's gonna bless them

with... with an attribute,

a... a quality about themselves,

sometimes even a skill set.

Kinda evens that playin' field a little.

I noticed it first in my nephew, Chase.

He's a teenager now, but he's autistic

as f*ck,

wh... which is probably not

the medical term, but he, um... he...

he got it, for sure. Um...

He's, uh... he's... he's nonverbal.

That's his thing.

Unless you're his mom,

he won't speak to you,

no eye contact,

won't acknowledge you're in the room.

It's pretty rude, but that's...

[audience laughing]

...that's his symptom, you know.

But get this. His blessing...

His blessing is that he can paint.

As a teenager, he paints better

than any art teacher I've ever had.

I just think it's cool to see

the way God always finds a way

of evenin' things out.

It's really impressive to me, and...

[cheering, applauding]

I wish I would've known

to look for that sooner.

It might've changed my perspective

on things growing up.

There was a kid, Alex, in our high school.

Alex was the same age as me.

We entered high school together.

Had gym class together.

He... he was special needs,

and he... he had a...

[sighs heavily]

he... he had a...

[hoarsely] ...d*ck on him, man.

I don't know... [tuts]

I don't know how else to tell y'all that.

That boy was... [hoarsely] ...blessed, man.

People felt sorry for him.

"f*ck that, dude."

"He's been terrorizing us

in the locker room the whole semester."

[audience laughing]

Got us all backed up against the lockers.

It's like, "g*dd*mn, Alex!"

That's where the extra chromosome goes?

[audience laughing hysterically]

Good for you, man. [inhales]

Until this day,

he's the nicest person I've met.

I hope he's out there

hurting somebody now. Really.

She needs the helmet.

You know, they don't always...

They don't always know their own strength.

But he's a good dude.

He deserves every inch of it and...

[audience laughing]

Yeah, we used to say

he had d*ck-you-down syndrome.


[audience laughing]

Big shout-out to Alex, man.

Big shout-out to Alex.

- [woman] Whoo!

- Yeah.

Short bus, but a long d*ck, man.

And that's...

That's balance. It's what life's all about

at the end of the day.


You can't have everything.

Sometimes, you just funny.

[audience laughing]

[woman] Whoo!

[women squealing hysterically]

[cheering, applauding]

It's fine.

I still f*cked him up in dodgeball.

[audience laughing]

Out of pure jealousy.

I was like, "You're not even using it."

[audience laughing hysterically]

[exhales sharply] Yeah, but... [sighs]

God works in mysterious ways, huh?

Know what's funny? I've mentioned God

eight times the past two minutes.

I'm really not the most religious person.

I'm really not.

I hope there's a god.

I pray every day that there's a god.

It'd make a lot of sense,

answer a lot of questions.

It's tricky sometimes.

Certain things'll happen,

make you question faith a little bit.

It's hard to pick a religion, man.

It's... I say it's hard to pick a religion,

but I... I... I do still wear a cross chain.

- [woman] Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah.

[audience cheering]

But for the same reason you bring

a condom on the first date. You know.


I hope I don't gotta use it, but you know.

[hoarsely] Just in case.

[audience laughing]

In case I die, and Jesus is like,

"You ain't gettin' in here."

"Nah, son, I bought the wristband."

[cheering, applauding]

Let me in.

I paid for this meet-and-greet.

Where your dad at?

[audience laughing hysterically]

Yeah, religion is... is just tricky, man.

But I've always respected it.

Always respected religion.

Everybody's religion's good.

I have the utmost respect for.

It's important for people

to have something to believe in.

My ex tried to drive it home pretty heavy.

She was super religious. My ex is one

of the most religious people I've met,

which is hilarious

'cause she is not getting

into heaven, bro.

Not... not a f*ck' chance, man.

Not even as my plus-one.

She's gonna have to chill

for a couple centuries

outside these gates, man.

She was so religious,

but just... [grinding teeth]

...not a good person.

Like, do you know people like that?

[woman] Whoo!

They're so religious that you're like,

"You're compensating a little bit."

What kind of Christian wakes up

to read the Bible every morning

when last night, all you wanted me to do

was lick your butt. Like, wha...

[audience laughing]

What psalm is that, Jezebel?

[audience laughing]

And how'd you get me to do it?

That's the bigger question.

Dude, that's f*ck' disgusting, man.

You don't understand.

I don't even eat onions.

I never thought I'd do nothing like that.

I don't know what came over me.

I don't know if it was

the butt Holy Spirit or what,

but that sh*t just

had your boy speaking in tongues.

You know what I mean? Just...

[rattling tongue]

[audience laughing]

Still broke up.

Did you ever eat someone's ass,

then break up.

It's the worst Last Supper ever, dude.

It's just...

[audience laughing, applauding]

It's disgusting.

Tastes like betrayal and pennies.

[laughing hysterically]

But... [sighs deeply]'s her religion, you know.

I don't, you know,

discredit anybody's beliefs.

I believe in things.

I do have beliefs. They might not be

as deep-rooted as religion,

but I do believe in things that affect

my life to a severe degree.

Um, for example,

I'm... I'm a terrible sleeper.

I... I have terrible,

terrible sleep problems,

and part of that is to do with the fact

that one of my biggest beliefs

is in ghosts and monsters.

[audience laughing]

I'm a 28-year-old grown man,

and my biggest fear is the dark.

You don't know what's in there.

I'll tell you, ghosts and monsters,

and y'all look ridiculous

for not being more concerned about it

on a day-to-day basis, dude.

They're so real.

I'm such a b*tch, man. I really am.


I literally have to sleep

with my TV on every single night

'cause I've really convinced myself

that if the TV's on,

the ghosts are gonna think

I have people over,

so... I'll just be like chiming in

to sh*t that I'm watchin',

just doin' too much.

Just... Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh.

[shouts] That's crazy how much fun

we're all having in here.

Just me and 12 of the biggest Black dudes

you've ever seen.

[audience laughing]

Hanging out watching Mean Girls.

You know, you gotta... [inhales sharply]

...lay down some ground rules.

Gotta let these ghosts know

they're not safe in your house.

You squatted up in there. They don't know.

Twelve Black dudes

ain't afraid of nothin'.

Except for people dressed like ghosts.

[audience laughing]


I told you all monsters are real.

I just... I... I do not mess with ghosts, man.

You can't even confront 'em

'cause the ironic thing about ghosts

is the more innocent and approachable

a ghost should be, the scarier it is.

The ghost of a child.

Get the f*ck away from me.

[inhales] I don't know if you're a demon

or an Amber Alert,

but I want you outta my house right now.

Those are always the scariest ones,

just showin' up in your hallways.

[mimicking child] Come play with us.

- [laughing]

- They're always British.

All dead kids are British

when they're a ghost for no reason.

Little dead British kids

always wanna play.

I don't even know

what an American kid ghost would say,

but that'd be terrifying to hear.

Can you imagine crawling

into bed at 3:00 a.m. and hear,

"I hate this school."

[audience laughing]

[mimicks g*n cocking]

[audience laughing hysterically]

Just seeing if y'all are still fun.

Just wanted to see. Just wanted to see.

Just checkin' in.


Ah, dude.

Ghosts are terrifying, man.

The only thing that scares me

more than ghosts is monsters,

and I'm... I'm pretty sick of y'all

not taking 'em serious.

'Cause they're all over the place, man.

That's the thing about monsters.

Nobody knows where they're at.

Everybody has theories

as to where they think they hide.

I've... I've heard weird places.

I've heard, like, closed shower curtain.

I know people who won't use a restroom

unless they open the shower curtain first

to make sure this f*ck isn't

in there lathering up with the 3-in-1.

It turns out he's the one takin'

fistfuls of hair against the shower walls

for all those years.

- [audience laughing]

- Mmm.

A little skeptical about that one.

Some places make more sense than others.

The closet is a big one.

It's pretty standard.

Plenty of people are afraid

of a monster comin' out

in the middle of the night

just eatin' you up.

That checks out.

That's f*ck' terrifyin'.

You can't have a monster comin'

outta the closet. That's scary twice.


[audience laughing]

You're tellin' me

not only is there a monster in my room

but maybe he's gay?

- [screams loudly]

- You said he was gonna eat me up.

You didn't say d*ck first.

You left out so many details.

[audience laughing hysterically]

Now, I've just got this gay darkness

roaming around my bedroom?

I'm being haunted by Lil Nas X?

You let me know. You let me know.

[audience laughing hysterically]

I wanna know if the next song's about me.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Like, why'd he choose my closet,

ya know? Like, it's...

That's less scary more flattering.

I can get on board with that.

The closet makes sense.

I will say probably the number one spot

that's most common

that I was never really afraid

of a monster hiding there

was under the bed.

It's one of the more common places,

especially when you're a kid.

You'd be afraid of a monster's hand

comin' up and grabbin' your leg.

Never scared me.

I think because I started

masturbating pretty early.

[audience laughing]

So by 11 or 12, I was like, "Hey, huh,

if a hand reach up here."

[Matt chuckling]

He's just helpin'. You know what I mean?

I'm the monster now.

You know, bro.

He ain't even built for that, bro.

I would d*ck my bed demon down, dude.

He's not built for those rounds.

He'd be catchin' feelin's,

getting possessive and sh*t.

He's knockin' on my headboard at 3:00 a.m.

He's like, "You up?"


I got school in the morning, dawg.

Chill out. Chill.


[sighs] You're not full? Huh?

[audience laughing]

I didn't think

he could fit under there, man.

There's no way there's room for a monster

and all those towels under my bed.

You know what I mean?

And if there is one, he is crunchy.

He ain't...

He ain't sneakin' up on nobody.

It's way too loud.

[mimicking crunching]

You can hear a semen demon

coming from a mile away.

You really can, right?

They ain't got no stealth at all.

It's a damn shame.

[sighs, lips click]


piggybacking off of semen demons...

- The...

- [audience laughing]

There is another monster people

are pretty afraid of we should talk about.


- [whooing]

- A lot of people don't f*ck with clowns.

Even though you've dated a few.

That's on you. Still...

Still a respectable fear, I get it.

I... I'm not personally afraid of clowns,

but I get it.

I've... I've got four sisters,

and they're terrified of clowns.

'Cause when I was about 13 years old,

we all watched the, uh,

the original It movies.

For anybody who has no idea,

there's a movie called It.

It's... it's based on a Stephen King book.

It's about

this k*ller-demon-monster clown,

who lives in the sewer system,

and he comes up through the drains

to, like, eat children.

That's the whole movie, him as a monster.

We watched this movie

at my grandpa's house,

and it scared my sisters so bad,

they didn't shower for three weeks.

That... that's how terrified they were,

that he was gonna come up

through the drains

and eat them when they were kids.

But they didn't know that by that time...

I had been jerking off in the shower.

So like,

he been eating my children. I figured...

[audience laughing]

I figure we built a good rapport

and understanding, you know?

You're not gonna k*ll the cow

when you get the milk for free.

That's just...

That's bad Business 101. You know?

His name is Pennywise,

but he be eating quarter-loads.

I'll tell ya that much right now.

That boy...

That boy eatin' good down there, man.

And they all float. Don't they?

Right on top of the water.

Like an oil spill.

[audience laughing]

You shouldn't be jerking off

in the shower.

That's how you get early onset Candy Cane

'cause you're just hunched over

in that hot water.

You're getting molded like a mouthpiece.

It's also a waste of your time

'cause if you miss the drain directly,

and it gets somewhere on the tub,

you gotta spend the next 12 minutes

just gathering water, like...

[audience laughing hysterically]

It's gotta be a direct h*t,

or it does no damage at all. And I'm...

I'm realizing right now,

I need more guy fans. That'd help a lot.

If this room was 70% dudes the way it is

women, this joke would have been like...


'Cause all the dudes get it

and every girl is like,

"Is it a jellyfish?"

Like, what?

Why... why would it stick...

Kind of, consistency-wise,

it's not far off from a jellyfish.

It's disgusting, whatever it is, man.

[snorts] Guys are so gross.

[exhales] Luckily,

we're funny on accident.

I think that's what helps us get through

the embarrassment of puberty

'cause you ladies would lose your mind

if you really saw

how much of a shitshow it is

to be a young man trying to learn

how to masturbate proficiently.

Ah, dude.

It's just embarrassing mistake

after embarrassing mistake.

I... I mean, I suppose nobody understands

the difficulty more than women

'cause how y'all figure out

your own little fidget spinner on your own

- [audience laughing]

- I'll never understand in a million years.

Y'all are just thrown to the wilderness

with no owner's manual or nothing.

Just forced to figure it out for yourself.

And you do!

All by yourself, and I'm so proud

of each and every one of you.

I really am.


[girls cheering, applauding]

'Cause if you didn't,

we never would, literally ever.

You already have to walk us through

every step of the way,

and even that's exhausting

in the simplest form.


How many times

have you fingered a girl for so long

you wake up the next day, like...

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Did I go f*ck' bowling last night?

Did I indoor rock climb for nine hours?

I'm walking around the next day

pointing at sh*t like Spider-Man

'cause I can't...

I can't straighten my tendons anymore.

I can't grip sh*t the next day.

It's like great. Yeah, you came,

and I got cerebral palsy.

Awesome. Yeah, that.

[hoarsely] It hurts, man.

You ladies are very strong. Good job.

Women definitely have it harder.

There's no argument there.

I think men just have it

more embarrassing,

'cause we don't...

we don't take anybody's advice.

We only learn via trial and error,

and you don't forget those errors.

Every man in this room has been caught...

whether you know it or not.

[audience laughing]

You're not as sneaky as you think you are.

And... That's good,

you have to figure out your system.

As an adult man,

every guy in this room knows

how to do it,

where to do it, when to do it.

How to adjust according

to time zones and solstices.

There's a whole...

There's a whole rigmarole that goes on,

but we have to figure that out

the hard way.

And thank God I never got caught,

like, in the act.

I don't know how I would've recovered,

but I do remember getting caught

with p*rn for the first time,

and I was, uh, oh, boy...

[sighs deeply] I... I was 12 years old.

Yeah. In my defense,

I wasn't looking for p*rn when I found it.

I was looking for Christmas presents

in my parents' bedroom.

It was middle of December.

When I get home from school,

there was always a couple-hour window

before my mom would get home from work.

I knew they'd been Christmas shopping,

so I broke into their room.

I was snoopin' around.

First place I checked was under the bed.

My bed monster was there.

"Oh, you looking for another b*tch?"

I was like...

"Not now, a different mission. Okay?" Um...



That's where you keep the goods, right?

So I go over to the closet confidently.

Wing it open. [exclaims]


So I was about to just give up and go back

to my room, and I heard a voice.

I don't know if it came from in my head

or under the bed, but it said,

[whispering] "Check the top shelf."

So I did.

And at first glance, it was

a typical top shelf of a parents' closet.

Blankets folded up at the front,

some hoodies to the side,

but what caught my eye

was a piece of blue cardboard

sticking up from behind the blankets,

so I brought the blankets down,

and it revealed this...

this gigantic

Bud Light beer box.

One of the huge cases,

like the 64-can count of Bud Light.

You have stepdads?

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, "That this ain't my real family"

case of beer.

But I knew, even at 12 I knew. I was like,

"That's not where beer goes."

"I betcha there's presents in there."

And boy was there.

[audience laughing]

Bro, I brought this box down.

It was the biggest box

of p*rn anyone has ever seen.

It was a whole box filled with,

like, 40 VHS tapes

that my stepdad had accumulated

over his "career," I guess.

And I'm...

I'm just siftin' through 'em.

They're labeled different, weird things.

One of them was, like, April 2003,

which was terrifying

'cause that's my mom's name.

[audience laughing]

I was like, "June, July,

August better be in here somewhere."

Like this better be...

This better be a time stamp

and not therapy forever.

Um... Couldn't risk it,

chose a blank one off the top,

put the box and blankets back

exactly the way I found them,

ran to my room with it.

I had a VHS player in my room,

and I watched it.

A lot.

That first one was for me. Treat yourself.

Yeah. But after that first time,

I was really in there taking down notes.

'Cause not a lot of women

really know how important

p*rn is to the learning process

of a young man.

'Cause before we see p*rn,

we don't know anything,

and we really pretend like we do,

so this is a b*mb

of new information to try to absorb.

It's very confusing.

When you're that young and inexperienced,

you have no idea that p*rn

is not real sex.

At that age, you can't even fathom

that those are two different things.

After I watched this one movie,

I thought you could only have sex

with five other people.

[audience laughing hysterically]

I thought all sex was g*ng bangs.

I was like, "Huh?"

I need more and better friends.

[audience laughing]

Not Alex.

It's also a lot

of positive information we do need

'cause we're so stupid

and so confident at that age.

You ever talked to a middle school boy?

We're all like,

"I f*cked 100 girls last recess, bro."

"You're a virgin."

And then, we'll finally see p*rn

a year later, and we're like,

"Oh sh*t!"

"p*ssy is so much lower

than I thought it was."

[audience laughing]

But before we see p*rn,

every boy thinks a p*ssy is right here.


We think we walk d*ck-first

into your belly button, and that's just...

That's what doing sex is.

You know what I mean?

You hope she got an innie.

[audience laughing]

So it's... it's a lot of new information

to try to digest, you know?

I'm enjoyin' myself. I'm excited.

Can't wait to go to school.

Tell my friends. I know I'mma be the man.

But because I was so caught up,

I made the biggest rookie mistake.

I... I... I didn't even think...

to... put it back.

I put the box and blankets back,

but I was like, "He's got plenty."

There's no way

he's gonna notice one missing, right?


[audience laughing]

The same night, dude, around 11:00 p.m.

I didn't even get this tape for 24 hours.

I'm in my room,

packing up for school the next day.

Backpack's full, I'm crawling in bed.

I'm f*ck' exhausted.

From all the notes.

And I'm nice and cozy under the sheets,

comfy under the covers,

and I hear my stepdad come home

from working his late-night shift.

The sounds in the house were

routine every single night.

I could paint the picture

and see what he was doing

without seeing what he was doing.

All the sounds are the same every night.

You'd hear him come through the garage

into the kitchen, cr*ck a beer,

come through the living room

into the bedroom,

where you hear him turn on the shower

and get outta his work clothes.

Just like every night.

Only this night,

I hear him cr*ck the beer,

come through the living room

into the bedroom...

no shower.

Just like 20-25 seconds of silence.

And then, I hear

throughout the house...

[shouts] "What the f*ck?"

[audience laughing, applauding]

I'm in my room, like,

"That could be anything."

I hope my mom's cheating in there.

[audience laughing hysterically]

I hope he walked in

on five other people in his house.

Because that exclamation

was followed by another two minutes

of just silence.

So I'm... I'm in my room,

like, "What the f*ck is going on?"

Because then, I hear the footsteps again.

They're getting closer and heavier.

I'm sweating and hard,

a terrifying combination at that age.

It was the first time in my life I hoped

mysterious footsteps was a ghost...

[audience laughing]

...preferably the ghost of my real dad,

so this wasn't about to happen.

I knew he was gonna whoop my ass.

I knew I was in trouble.

My bed monster was holdin' my hand.

I'm like, "Not right now. Chill, chill."

"Maybe after. We'll see how this goes."


The footsteps stop at my bedroom door.

[silently] I'm like, "f*ck!"

The door creaks open,

[mimicking creaking]

and my stepdad leans in,

and all he says is...

[hoarsely] "I'm missing something."

[audience laughing]


"I know you know

what I know,

and when I get home from work tomorrow,

I want it back

and rewound."

[audience laughing hysterically]

[audience cheering, applauding]

I was like,

"To the beginning or where you finished?"


We gotta come up

with some kind of time system now.

This... this is our collection now, okay?

He was like, "You wanna be grounded?"

"Gonna keep me in my room

with this movie? I guess, lock me up."

Know what I mean?

All summer, baby. I'm good.

It was a real turning point

in he and I's relationship

'cause we hated each other,

we had nothing in common,

but... but we... we finally had a thing.

You know, I...

I finally had leverage for once.

We couldn't snitch on the other person

without losing everything. It was nice.

You could either b*at me or your d*ck.

You ain't gonna do both, okay.



[audience laughing hysterically]

[cheering, applauding]

That's how we bonded.

You know? It was nice.

[gently] Oh, man.


[Matt sniffs]

Yeah. That was

a good bonding experience, man.

Then, the Internet had to come

and ruin everythin'.

I like Internet p*rn, but you can't bond

with your family anymore.

I hate the Internet. I really do.

Social media... I can't stand social media,

which I know is crazy for y'all to hear

'cause it's why you're all here.

That's a fun fact for you to know.

I hate social media.

I never wanted to do it.

I put it off for years. I can't stand it.

I think social media is awful,

such a negative, toxic place.

It's full of horrible people

saying horrible things all the time.

It's the worst place to never exist, man.

[audience cheering, whooing]


It's awful what people say,

these... these... these people, these... trolls.

[inhales deeply]

It's a bunch of f*ck' losers

with no friends and no life,

and no profile picture.

[audience laughing]

Sit at home all day

trying to... [sneeringly] ...cancel people,

or say mean comments

'cause their life sucks so f*ck' bad

they can't possibly imagine

a life of misery by themselves.

They have to try to drag other people down

by leaving mean comments

and saying rude stuff.

[exhales] I respond every time.

Every time, dude. I...

I can't not!

I can't... I cannot fathom a reality

where people can talk to you

as disrespectful as they want

without facing any physical consequences.

That drives me absolutely insane, man.

And I know...

- [audience cheering, applauding]

- I...

I know... I... I know as a...

[sneeringly] "...public figure,"

I'm supposed to be, like,

the bigger person and take the high road,

but f*ck' k*ll yourself, dude. I...

That goes for any Internet sh*t talker

out there, man.

And I know that's

a harsh thing to say to somebody,

but the way I see it,

nobody who's a good person

and actually contributes

anything positive to society

is ever gonna go out of their way

to leave a negative comment

under something you've been so brave

as to create and share with the world,

and we just don't need

people like that around.

- Sorry.

- [audience cheering, applauding]

It's just insane the lengths people

will go to talk sh*t on the Internet, man.

Earlier this year, we were flying

from Los Angeles up to Vancouver, Canada

for a comedy festival.

I had one show, one night. It was

a 36-hour trip. Real quick, in and out.

Right? Head to the airport.

The only thing I've brought

with me was my backpack,

which you'd think would be ideal

except for it's an inconvenience

as soon as you get to the airport

'cause TSA doesn't know

where the f*ck a backpack goes,

and they change the rules every day

and then treat you like you're an idiot

for not knowing

their made-up set of rules.

This specific occasion, I get through TSA,

little to no issues.

They don't have to pull the bag aside.

Now, I'm heading to the gate,

heading to the plane.

I'm actually pretty excited

about the flight

'cause it's not that long,

and I know I have a window seat,

which is inarguably

the best seat on the plane.

- [audience cheering]

- Yeah. Yeah, until the end of the flight.

'Cause you know how they come by

to let you know they're about to land?

Fifty-five minutes

before they're about to land.

[audience laughing]

And they will...

[laughs] And they will wake you up

from your window slumber

just to say some stupid sh*t like,


"I need you to put your window shade

all the way up for landing."

Like this f*ck

checking his blind spot in 28F.

[audience laughing]


So, I'm at least looking forward

to gettin' a little nap on the flight.

So we're boarding the plane.

It's a smaller plane,

one you've all been on,

where the overhead bins are so small

they make you gate-check all your luggage.

So I lucked out just having the backpack

'cause even if the bag did fit in the bin,

which it didn't. Too small.

Everybody knows your backpack

goes under the seat in front.

I know that, you know that.

I do it six times a week.

So I'm settlin' into the seat,

putting the bag under,

and I had made a small mistake.

I... I had overpacked the bag

by just a little bit.

So it only fit, like,

75% under the seat in front of me.

So I'm feelin' it out

and I'm like, you know what?

I'll have more room

and be more comfortable

if I put my bag

underneath my legs this way.

So much more room.

I... I... I could still mermaid a little bit.

Problem solved.

Now, I'm sitting back relaxing,

waiting to see who's gonna sit next to me

'cause who sits next to you

plays a huge impact

on your flight experience, right?

I get f*cked immediately.

Dude, right behind me

in the boarding process,

here comes two of the worst possible

passengers to sit next to.

Beside me in the middle seat,

is a three-year-old boy who...

Yeah, as soon as he sits down,

is on his three-year-old...


I'm just like, man.

I will cave

this f*ck's sternum in.


I bet it's still soft.

[audience laughing]

And... I'm pissed off.

Not at the crying. Your baby crying

on a plane doesn't even bother me.

I know you can't control that,

but what you can control

is the physicality of your child.

'Cause for the rest

of this 30-minute boarding process,

this kid would not get his hand

this far away from my face.



And I'm doing all the polite things

to get him away.

I'm like, "Okay, but... [roars]

Okay, all right. Probably..." [rattles]

"Probably enough.

Somebody can break this up?"

I'm doing all the things

to let the dad know

this isn't okay,

and he's not paying attention.

I was this close

to leaning over to the dad

and being like, "Hey!"

"You mind getting

your sexy-ass kid away from me."

[audience laughing hysterically]

Yeah. I know that's gross.

But what do I gotta do

to get your attention

to let you know this is inappropriate.

What's going on over here?

The dad could not have been

more incompetent.

He was in the aisle seat

watching sh*t on his iPad,

and the... the dad was...

[exhales] No disrespect,

just an accurate detail

to the story, but the dad was no less

than I'd... I'd say 425 pounds.

Like, he... he was a big dude.

If I had to piss on this flight,

it was gonna be in my seat,

which I fully accepted. It's... it's fine.

So I'm just... [exhales]

...trying to keep my composure.

We're departing from the gate,

heading towards the runway,

and the flight attendant's

making her rounds up and down,

make sure everyone's buckled in,

and she stopped at my row.

She saw my bag under my legs,

and she goes,



I'm gonna need you to put your bag

under the seat in front of you."

I said, "Ahh."

"Doesn't fit, but it's okay."


[audience laughing]

"Still got plenty of space,

super comfortable."

"I wouldn't even worry about it.

Thank you."

And she goes, "It's not okay."

"Put your bag

under the seat in front of you,

or I will check it where you can go

get it at baggage claim."

I s... I said, "It... it doesn't fit,

and... we've already departed."

"What do you wanna do?"

And she said, "I don't know,

not my bag, not my problem."

I said, "You're not gonna speak to me

like this is Spirit Airlines, okay?"

[audience laughing]

"I am an American

Platinum Rewards Executive Pro member."


"And I have enough miles

for us to speak like adults

and agree that we both know

that's a stupid rule."

"It's not affecting anything."


[audience laughing]

"Let's just drop it

and move on with the flight."

She goes, "It's not a stupid rule.

It's impeding your exit."

I said, "Oh."

"For real?"

"Trapped. First one off is b*tch."

[audience laughing]

"I promise you it's okay."

"It's not okay. If there's an emergency,

you need to be able to get off

as quickly as possible."

I said, "Hey,

what do you think's

impeding my exit more?"

"My bag

or f*ck' Timon and Pumbaa...

[shouts] ...right next to me."

[audience cheering, whooing]

[applauding, whistling]


Even the baby was like... "Ahh!"

And I was like,

You're pissing off

this sexy-ass baby, man.

[audience laughing]

So now... [exhales sharply]

believe it or not,

now is when the trouble actually begins.

I'm on the plane,

I'm pissed off,

and I've got Wi-Fi.

[Matt sighs]

So, like an idiot,

as soon as I get service,

I get on Twitter,

and I tweet about

what I just went through.

Basically, all I tweeted was just stating

that I thought this was a ridiculous rule

for her to thr*aten to check my bag

and add this very inconvenient process

to my very quick in-and-out trip

when it wasn't affecting

anybody or anything.

That's all I tweeted.

And, man.

I didn't know that Twitter is

all... [changing pitch]

...flight attendants, all of them.

- [audience laughing]

- Every single one of them.

Everybody on Twitter

knows every airplane rule,

and they give the most amount

of f*ck about them, apparently.

Dude, hundreds, on hundreds,

on hundreds

of strangers start filling my timeline

with the angriest tweets,

furious at my stance on the situation.

And the dumb general consensus

they would say was sh*t, like...

[sneeringly] "How hard could it be

to just follow the rules?"

Here's the thing. [sighs]

I understand rules.

I understand

why safety precautions are set

to keep everybody safe.

Obviously, I get that.

But also,

use your f*ck' brain, right?

For example, I understand

that the speed limit on most freeways,

and it varies from city to city,

but on average,

it's about 65 miles per hour.

I totally understand and respect

that is the designated,

suggested speed

for us citizens to follow

to keep traffic moving

at an appropriate pace. I get that.

But also,

if you for real

drive 65 miles per hour

on the freeway,

I will f*ck' k*ll you,

do you understand?

- [audience cheering, applauding]

- Ha!

Drive faster, p*ssy.

[audience laughing]

Use your instincts to go, "You know what?

I can open this b*tch up

to 80 like an adult

and keep this sh*t moving."

Right? You use...

You use your instincts

to navigate rules, right?

That's how I felt

about the plane situation.

I know what the bag rule is,

everybody does,

but it's not affecting anybody

so how about we chill

the f*ck out about it?

[shouts] Nope.

Instead, I argue

with 700 strangers for eight hours, dude.

Oh, and we're twerkling

back and forth and back and forth.

And... The best part about arguing

with people on the Internet

about something

you've personally experienced,

is that they weren't there to witness

any of the details of the account, right?

They only know what you've told them

and what they wanna assume.

So, very quickly after you start arguing,

people will just start throwing out

their own wild scenarios

that have nothing to do

with what you're even talking about

just so they seem justified.

I just didn't wanna check my bag,

and people were saying things like,

"It's not about your safety."

"It's about the safety

of people around you."

"What if there's an emergency

crash landing into a mountain,

and during the evacuation..."

"Say it again slower

for yourself. Go ahead."

"You think we're gonna survive the crash?"

"Into the mountain?"

And they have an argument for everything.

"But what if we do survive?"

"And because your bag

wasn't all the way under the seat,

it ends up in the aisleway

and someone trips over it

and injures themself?"


[panting heavily]

If you...



the f*ck over

my ten-inch tall

JanSport backpack

to save your own life,

natural selection, dawg.

[audience cheering hysterically]

[applauding, whooing]

You gotta f*ck' die.


You're not athletic enough to stay alive.

Dude, I... I could not believe

the lengths people will go to

to argue about sh*t that has nothing

to do with them on the Internet.

It's impressive, man,

because it snowballs very quickly.

It quickly becomes this mob mentality

'cause what happens online is

once a large enough group of people

start getting upset

with you on the Internet,

everybody wants to get their lickin',

'cause it's full of people

who have negativity towards themself

that they have to project

onto other people.

This is their opportunity

'cause that's your punishment.

If you ever get in trouble

on the Internet,

your punishment is that people can say

anything they want to you.

Anything, even if it's way worse

than what you said

to get in trouble in the first place.

It's impressive, and ultimately,

that stuff never bothers me.

Like, l... look.

You're never gonna hurt my feelings.

Okay, I've been dead inside for so long.

Like, my... my plane crashed

a long time ago,

and I didn't step over the bag,

emotionally speaking.

Ya know what I mean, so...

You can talk your sh*t

as much as you want.

The thing you have to know about me

and what I've learned,

through therapy or whatever, is that I'm...

[exhales] ...I'm a very defensive person,


I... I have a very quick trigger reaction

to feel the need to defend myself

if I feel like somebody is coming at me.

And I... I go for the k*ll every time.

So look, you can talk your sh*t

to me online as much as you want,

say whatever mean,

hurtful things you wanna say

to try to hurt my feelings, but just know,

[panting softly]

I'm gonna f*ck you up verbally, dude.

[sputters] I'm...

My goal is to now make you cry.

Like, I'm gonna win

this battle every time.

So when I h*t you harder

than you h*t me first,

don't act like

you're the f*ck' victim, okay?

That's my biggest pet peeve

in the entire Internet, and...

[audience cheering]


probably the best example of that

was throughout this Twitter interaction

when all this backpack sh*t was going on.

I'm arguing with people,

we're going roast for roast,

just really having some fun wastin' time.

I was having fun with it.

Then, there was this one woman.

Took it too far.

She would not shut the f*ck up, dude.

She, by herself,

probably tweeted me like 60 to 70 times

whether I responded or not,

and I responded to a lot.

But not... not all of them obviously.

She was one of those people,

saw everybody getting their lick

and she wanted to be a part of that,

so she started saying meaner and meaner

and meaner things

expecting no consequences,

and I didn't really care.

Until her last tweet.

The last tweet, I just couldn't let slide.

The last thing she said to me was,

"I don't understand why you have to be

such an insubordinate,

crybaby, little b*tch."

[audience oohing]

[exhales sharply]

[tongue clicks]

Should I just have blocked her?

[tongue clicks] My publicist says yes.

[audience laughing]

[sighs deeply]

But I was so sick

of being ganged up on


She was being very mean.

She started it.

And... just based off of her profile photo,

she was a, um...

[tongue clicks, takes a deep breath]

...heavier-set woman.

All I said...

in defense of myself,

was, "Well..."


"...had you not been taking up two seats...

[audience laughing hysterically]

...there would have been room

for me to safely secure my backpack

in another chair."

That's all I said, which...

statistically is not incorrect.

[audience laughing]

But as we all know,

everybody wants to be a victim now, right?

So how did she,

the person who started it, react?

[squeals intensely]

"How could he say something like that?"

"He's body-shaming me."

"Cancel Matt Rife."

"b*tch, you can't cancel me.

I'm not your gym membership."

"Get the f*ck off my feed then."

[audience laughing hysterically]

[applauding, whistling]

[cheering intensely]

I didn't start sh*t with you.

I'm a nice person, man.

I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings,

but I f*ck' will.

audience laughing

It had nothing to do with her, man.

All I wanted to do

was complain about my backpack.

And now I'm this b*tch's 13th reason.

[sneeringly] Okay.

[audience laughing]

No. No, f*ck that.

You can count reasons, but not calories.

Get the f*ck outta my face, dude.

No. Nope. Nope.


Not doing sympathy today, D.C.

Not doing it.

And before any of y'all sit there

even think about taking her side.

You go... [hoarsely]

"Oh, I don't know, Matt."

"That's awfully personal. I mean..."

"I mean, is it really worth

you making fun of her weight

in defense of yourself."

"What if word gets back to her

you're still making fun of her weight,

and it affects her so severely

she does something drastic,

like, like, like, like...

like, hangs herself."

"How would that make you feel?"

[smirking] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

- [audience laughing]

- [woman squeals]

How'd she get up there?

[audience laughing hysterically]

- [cheering, applauding]

- Huh?


[woman squealing repeatedly]

I'd be f*ck' amazed...

[audience laughing]

...that they make tow cables that strong.

I really would.

I really f*ck' would, dude.


f*ck these people, man.

Your social media is your art.

You can create and share

whatever you want to share.

And if anybody...

if anybody has a problem with that,

I say post more of that sh*t.

[audience cheering hysterically]

Shove it down their f*ck' throat, man.

Do you have any idea how many people

don't like me or my comedy?

- You know what? I post every f*ck' day...

- [woman] Love you!

- ...'cause that's what feels right to me.

- [audience cheering]


[audience whistling]

It's what feels right,

and I'm just doing what I think is funny,

and all I can hope to come from that

is that it makes other people smile,

and it makes them happy.

That's all I ever want to come

from any of this.

So who cares

if absolutely nobody believes in you, man.

f*ck these people. For 12 years,

nobody believed in me, man.

And if I let that affect how I respected

my own thoughts and ideas,

I wouldn't be doing a Netflix Special

at Constitution Hall in my favorite city

in the entire country, man.

[audience cheering hysterically]

- [applauding]

- [man cheering] Whoo, whoo, whoo!

[audience whooing]

But what do I know?

I only do crowd work, right?

[audience cheering hysterically]

[upbeat electronic music playing]

Hope everybody enjoyed themselves.

Old people, thank you for coming.

I know you have to be up soon.

Did you know who I was when you...

when you came here?

- [Matt] You did?

- Yeah.

They play TikTok on the Hallmark?

- [Matt] Shut up.

- [audience laughing]

[Matt] What is that?

What's in here? We got, uh...

Is this weed edibles?

Fifty milligrams, you m*rder.

If you f*ck around

and take 50 mg on your first edible,

you will change your pronouns, dude.

Like, you will...

Black people, thank y'all.

I think it's just y'all.

Ah, two.

I thought for sure I had

a more diverse fan base.

[grunts] Not as much.

[yells] Oh. Okay. All right.

Let's not point 'em out.

That feels very January 6th of y'all.

Let's chill out.

I know. It's y'all's city. I know.

[closing music playing]
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