03x17 - Dr. Phyliss Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Drake & Josh". Aired: January 11, 2004 – September 16, 2007.*
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Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
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03x17 - Dr. Phyliss Show

Post by bunniefuu »

Ok, you want to know

Something about josh?

Yeah, I'll tell you a little

Secret about drake.

He can be the most irritating

Human on the planet.

Sometimes he aggravates me to

A point where I just want to go


I'm not doing too good

In english, right?

You know drake hates my

Girlfriend mindy, right?

So last week he goes up

To our teacher...

So on saturday mindy's

Walking up our driveway...

And josh tells her I should

Have a tutor.

And drake sprays her with

The hose!

A tutor?

A hose!

I can't take a shower without

Finding his hair on the soap.

He pees...

Near the toilet.

Both: sometimes he just

Both: sometimes he just drives me insane.

Drives me insane.

Ooh, hooked it.


Ok, yards to the green.

Ok, yards to the green. Hey, drake. Aah!

Hey, drake. Aah!

Dude, what are you doing?


You can't h*t real golf b*lls

In our room!

Sure, I can. Watch this.

Sure, I can. Watch this. Don't, please!

Don't, please!

You smashed my framed

Kindergarten diploma.

Kindergarten diploma. Now there is no proof!

Now there is no proof!

You have no respect for my

Personal items.

Neither do you.


Look at this.

Look what you did

To my underwear.

Red boxers in one pile,

Blue boxers in another?

Yeah. You should thank me for

Organizing them.

Ok, for the billionth time,

I don't like you touching my

Underwear. Besides, I like them

Organized like this.

Organized like this. [Gasps]


Now excuse me.

I have a tournament to play.

You will not h*t another

Golf ball in this room!


Fore! Aah!


My lava lamp from canada...

My lava lamp from canada... That tears it!

That tears it!

That tears it! Don't do it, josh.

Don't do it, josh.


Ok, ok, you want to play

Ok, ok, you want to play that way?

That way?

Get your hands off my picture

Of oprah!

Fine. Ooh, yeah.

That's right. No hands.

Me and oprah cheek to cheek.

You're the worst--

You're the worst

Brother ever!

Brother ever! [Both shouting at once]

[Both shouting at once]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Drake: what?

It is : p.m.

I am a little girl.

Little girls are supposed to be

Asleep at : p.m.

Now, this is the third night in

A row you clowns have kept me up

With your fighting.

[Both shouting at once]



Josh: what are these?

Tickets to the dr. Phyllis

Show.you guys both go on

Tomorrow after school. The topic

Is bickering brothers. Now, I'm

Gonna go back to sleep, and I

Don't want to hear another sound

Don't want to hear another sound out of this room.

Out of this room.

I don't want to go on

The dr. Phyllis show.

Why, 'cause you're afraid

She'll diagnose you as

A big jerk?

Oh, I'm a big jerk?

I said it, buddy!

You're a jerk.


J-e-r-k! [Both shouting at once]

[Both shouting at once]

[Device beeping]

[Device beeping] [beeping faster]

[Beeping faster]

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple, but

I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

So just turn around, ooh-ooh-ooh, oooooooh ♪

Ooh-ooh-ooh, oooooooh ♪


Producer: everyone stand by.

In , , , ...

Hello, I'm dr. Phyllis

Tupper, and welcome to

Dr. Phyllis.


Today's topic is on bickering

Brothers. First I'd like you to

Meet drake parker.

W-wait. Why does he get

Introduced first?

Why don't you quit

Your whining?


My name's josh nichols.


Well, obviously there's been

A lot of bickering going on

Between you two boys. Why don't

You tell me about it?

Well, I'd love to, but I

Don't know where to start

With this kid.

Clear your schedule, doc.

Clear your schedule, doc. [Both shouting at once]

[Both shouting at once]

...so wonderful you're

Married. Drake! You promised

You'd back off. How dare you

Marry my woman.

Hey, don't get mad at me.

You told me this was a

Friendship ceremony.

Well, I thought it was.

Well, we're really good

Friends now.

I'm--i'm sure you're not

Actually married.

Uh, yeah, we are.

You heard me say...

[Speaking foreign language]

Would you give me--


[Both grunting]

You're a child!

Your room?

That's right...since my old

Room is inhabited by an

Immature beast.

This is not your room.

Yeah? Then why is my bed in

Here? Why is my guitar in here?

And more importantly, why are

You in here?

Because this is the living

Room, and uh...yeah, living!

Maybe, but not for long.

Ok, you wanna tussle?

You sicken me.

You're the worst.

I hope you go bald.

I hope they cancel oprah.

Take that back!


You put cumin in his waffles?

You told me to put cumin

In his waffles.

I said cinnamon. Cinnamon!

You ruined my first

Baseball game.

Oh, poor little josh didn't

Get his foam finger.

You want a mouthful of fist?

You want a butt full of foot?

Bring it, parker.

You bring it!

You bring it!

Well, clearly there is a lot

Of fighting that goes on between

You two brothers.

Oh, yeah. And he's always

Starting it.

Beg to differ.

Uh, josh, drake is speaking

Right now, and you need to

Respect that, because if you

Don't respect him, how will he

Ever respect you?

Yes, josh. How?

He's not gonna respect me.

He never does.

Do not use the word "never,"

Because "never" is just "ever"

With an "n" in front of it.

[Mouthing word]

Drake, please, continue

Telling us a little bit more

About josh.

Glad to, phyllis. The main

Thing about my brother josh is

He's a spaz. And if you don't

Believe me, let me share a few

Memories with you.

...parents will love me,

So I will not be nervous.

Really? 'Cause most people

I know put their underwear on

I know put their underwear on before their pants.

Before their pants.

I gotta get a haircut.

Pyooka's coming! Ow!

Pyooka's coming! Ow! I'm coming! Whoa!

I'm coming! Whoa!

Don't worry, helen!

Don't worry, helen! Josh is coming! Whoa!

Josh is coming! Whoa!

[Mumbling excitedly]

Aah, aah!

So you see what I'm dealing

With here? I'm telling you,

It is not easy having josh for

A brother.

Oh, and you think you're

A walk through a fresh meadow?

See? Who says things

Like that?

You hush. This is my time.

Now, you want to talk about

Aggravating? Let me tell you

A couple stories about my

Brother drake.

So you turn the magnet on

By pressing this red button?

Ow. Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Ok, so how do we buy some?

Can't. Says here they're only

Can't. Says here they're only available in south aw-mer-eeca.

Available in south aw-mer-eeca.


South america!


Ooh, uh, we should probably

Put that f*re out first.

On it.

Not that way!

Robot: por favor.


Robot: por favor.


Robot: por favor.

All right.

We freeze her. Yeah, yeah.

Then we thaw her out, like,

Years into the future.

Oh, man, she will be so

Freaked out.

Freeze her.

You didn't really write

That down--



Man on television: push in.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Aah! Ow! Ow! Oh!

You wrecked my dinner,

You wrecked my $ ice

Sculpture, and you wrecked

My relationship!

You spent $ on ice?


And that's what it's like living

With drake in your life.

All right. Well, we are going

To break for our commercial now.

And during that time, drake and

Josh, I would like you both to

Think about happier times that

You've shared.

Like before he moved into

My life?

You see what he does?

You all saw it.

Oh, give it a rest josh.

You know what--

You know what-- [both shouting at once]

[Both shouting at once]

We'll be right back.

Welcome back. I'm dr.

Phyllis. And the subject we are

Tackling today is bickering

Brothers, which is why I have

Drake and josh here-- brothers

Who lately have been doing more

Than their fair share of


I do not bicker. I just

Respond to his abnormal,

Irritant behavior.


You're the bickerer.


Ok, boys, now, I find that

When there is tension between

Siblings, sometimes that

Tension can be coming from

Another source.

I don't understand.


What I'm asking you is if

There might be someone else in

Your household that causes you

Guys stress?

Guys stress? Both: megan.

Both: megan.

Josh: what are you doing?

[Megan screams]

[Dogs barking]

What happened?

Well, I was just out here

Trying to learn about space, and

Drake and josh pushed me down.


We didn't push her down.

Oh, right. I just decided

To lie down in the grass

And scream.

First I will take this beaker

Of sodium sulfide and pour it

Into this jar. Note how

The color changes when I pour

The sodium sulfide into--

The sodium sulfide into-- [children coughing]

[Children coughing]

[Children coughing] strike , and you're out.

Strike , and you're out.

[Drake snoring]

Watch: stereo on.

Watch: stereo on. Aah!


Aah! Megan, what's

The matter with you?

I want my peruvian puff


Is that a band?

I'm afraid I'm not familiar

With their work.

Yeah, and I'm afraid I'm

Gonna have to ask you to leave.

I want my peruvian puff


[Josh screaming]

What up with the tie?

I'm just getting ready

For my big dinner with mindy's

Parents tonight.

Oh, yeah? You nervous? What

If they think you're a boob?

I do.

Give me the remote.

I don't think so, megan.

In fact, why don't you just

Run up to your--hey!

What the--

Megan, you can't just

Flip someone--yeow!

I am your teacher, and you

I am your teacher, and you will show me some respect.

Will show me some respect.

Will show me some respect. [Beeping]



Now, find it hard to believe

That an -year-old girl did

All those things to you.

Well, it's true.

Yeah, you want to see

The scars and bruises?

No, thank you. No, what I'd

Like you to do is try a physical

Exercise. If you could turn and

Face each other...

Now take each other's hands.



Take each other's hands.

Good, good. Now, I want you

To close your eyes and think

Back to a time--

Ow! He pinched my palm!


I did not! Ow! Ow!

He twisted my thumb!

Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!

[Both scream]

Boy! Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!

Josh: I'll get you for that!

Stop it! Boys, stop!

What are you doing? Boys!

Now--now just stop it!

Is this how you two deal with

Your problems--with physical



On rare occasions.

That finger should belong to me.

Yeah? Well, you can't have

It. You know why?


'Cause I'm number one.


Raah! [Both shouting]

[Both shouting]

Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! [Both shouting]

[Both shouting]

Time out!

Afraid I'm gonna have to

Give you a ticket, son.

No, sir, you're going to have

To give me tickets.

What for?

One for the faulty

Tail light, and one for this!

[Both shouting]

[Both shouting] [horn honking]

[Horn honking]

[High-pitched voice]

What is it, drake?

Ok, I can't do this if he's

Gonna talk like that.

I'm being a girl.

What girl has a moustache,

Other than your grandmother?

That tears it!


Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

♪ La la la la

[Josh shouting indistinctly]

[Josh shouting indistinctly] ♪ la la la la

♪ La la la la


Both: I know.

Bickering is one thing,

But you two should be ashamed of

Yourselves for allowing it to

Escalate to physical


No! I will not share

The blame here. I am the victim

In this relationship.

Oh, how are you the victim?

You're always trying to

Take advantage of me.


Drake, come on, honestly,

Do you ever take advantage of

Josh just a little bit?


Not just me. He takes

Advantage of everyone.

Oh, name one time.

Ok, uh...that girl liza.

Hot liza?

Yeah. You totally dated her

Just to get your old girlfriend


Oh, that's an exasperation.

Exaggeration! Read a book,

Would you?


Josh, tell me a little bit

More what went on between drake

And this girl hot liza.

Glad to. See, drake had just

Broken up with his girlfriend

Tori, but he wanted her back.

So he thought he'd try to make

Her jealous by making out with

This hot girl named liza.

Drake, is that story true?

Well, yeah, but I totally

Learned my lesson. 'Cause let me

Tell you, liza tupper--

Worst kisser ever.

I have heard that.

Liza tupper?

Yeah. And she's not exactly

The smartest wonton on the

Pupu platter, if you know what

I'm saying.

You're saying she's dumb.

And a very bad kisser.

Liza tupper happens to be

My daughter.

Oh! Well, ahem,

This is awkward. Oh! Oh!

Josh, get her off of me!

She's k*lling me!

[All shouting at once]

What are you doing? Ow!

[Both screaming]

Josh: go to commercial!

Josh: go to commercial! Go to commercial!

Go to commercial!

Oh, that was awesome.

We got into a street fight with

Dr. Phyllis right on her show!

Insanity. Hey, I'm gonna grab

A drink. You want one?

Yeah, sure. Man, she almost

Crushed your neck with that

Scissor lock.

I know! Hey, mocha cola cool?

Yeah, perfect. You know what

Really bugged me about being

On her show?

What's that?

Well, I mean, you know,

She only made us talk about the

Bad times between us.

Yeah. We're not

Always fighting.

No way.

We do nice stuff

For each other.


Shall we reminisce?


Man, it's lincoln. You're gonna

Get m*rder out there.

Yeah, probably, but I can't

Let my teammates and the whole

Let my teammates and the whole school down. I gotta do this.

School down. I gotta do this.

Hey, you know what, josh?

You're pretty cool.

The cooliest?

Don't ruin it.

Dude, you should date whoever

You want to date. You know?

It doesn't matter what anyone

Else thinks.

But--but you--

So I don't like here.

Big deal. I don't like half

The girls I date.

You know, you're my brother,

Josh. If she makes you happy,

Then I'm happy.

I just think that being sammy's

Big sibling means a lot more

To josh than it does to me.

So you faked pancreas trouble

To make josh feel good?


Mr. Talbot, um, the principal

Wants to see drake right away.

Very well. Drake, you may go.

Yes, sir!

Why does the principal

Want to see me?

He doesn't.

I love you.

I know.

Both: hug me, brother!

Hug me, brother!

Now hug me, brother!

Now hug me, brother! Quick one?

Quick one?

Both: yeah.

All right, a toast...

To the best brother I have

Ever had.

Back at you, brother.

Ugh! This is diet.

Here, switch with me.

No, you already took a sip.


So I don't want to drink

Your backwash.

Don't be such a priss.

I'm not a priss.

Then switch with me.


Come on, man, you know

I hate diet.

Are you really gonna

Get mad about this?

Get mad about this? [Both shouting]

[Both shouting]

[Device beeping]

[Device beeping] [beeping faster]

[Beeping faster]

What is this,

What is this, some new kind of boob dance?
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