01x05 - Field Trip

[bunniefuu]

[gasps]

♪ I never knew there'd come a day ♪

One, two, three.

♪ When I'd be sayin' to you ♪

♪ Don't let this good love slip away ♪

Where's my... Oh.

♪ Now that we know that it's true ♪

♪ No, said I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ But it's real
And the feeling comes shining through ♪

♪ So caught up in you, little girl ♪

♪ And I never did suspect a thing ♪

♪ So caught up in you, little girl... ♪

[Evan speaks Italian]

[Gwen] Guitar, yes.

- [speaks Italian]
- I can't believe it. Hello!

We are gonna sing "You Get What You Give"
by the New Radicals this year

better than we ever have before.

- I can't believe it. It's an anthem.
- Fourth year in a row.

Mr. Marquez, Becca's being such a b*tch.

Oh. I... What? Whoa, now.

She said I have no ass.

Tiffany. I did not say that.

Yeah, you literally did though.
You literally did though.

I'm just saying it could be bigger.

I... I'm sorry,
I truly cannot comment on this.

- I can, you're good.
- Becca is your best friend.

Just literally go talk to her.
Figure it out.

[Tiffany] Whatever.

- Oh, it is flat. [inhales sharply]
- [whispering] Gwen.

- [feedback on bullhorn]
- Attention everyone.

Students, teachers, parent chaperones,

for the most memorable weekend
of the school year,

the junior class field trip.

Oh! Give... Give it up.

- Yes, yes, we're very excited about that.
- Whoo! [chuckles]

All right. So we've got 90 minutes,


We don't want to waste any time.

So if you have to pee,
pee now or forever hold your pee.

Look at this shit. "250 calories.
Contains soy and tree nuts."

Boy, I'm gonna be yoked after this thing.

I hope you don't plan
on eating those out in the wild, man.

[stammers] I'm a black bear?

I'm smelling that
from a thousand miles out.

You're a black bear?

The wilderness takes no prisoners, Rick.

That's the first thing we learned at ROTC.
R-O-T-C.

Didn't you get kicked out?

I guess that's why I only remember
the first thing they taught us.

And I didn't get kicked out.
I was honorably discharged.

I'm not a f*cking p*ssy.

Nick and I had sex last night
for, like, the first time in forever.

In, like, months.

- In months?
- Mm-hmm.

- What?
- It's fine. It's fine.

Sometimes he jerks off and I watch.

Is that it?
Is that what being straight is like?

I'm making a point.

So we found, like, a latex-free brand
of condoms that he...

- Condoms?
- You know I'm allergic to latex, right?

I feel like you're losing
that... that thread.

How long have I known you?
I know you're allergic to latex.

Sorry to interrupt. Hi, I'm Sharon,
one of the parent chaperones.

- Hey.
- Were you guys talking about condoms?

Did the kids bring condoms?

Did the kids bring condoms? I don't know.
We don't know what the kids brought.

Okay. Well. [chuckles]

- What?
- [chuckles]

Right. [chuckles]

- Sorry, I'll keep it down.
- Uh.

Yeah.

This whole trip,
these kids are gonna be trying

to get into all sorts
of wicked little sexual games.

Very specific games.

- Okay. Well, we'll keep an eye out.
- Yeah.

- You know about Stone Face?
- What?

It's a new sex game
these kids are playing.

You know how they play?

Do we know how they play?
No, we've never heard of this.

You know, I don't even want to say.
[chuckles] That's how deviant it is.

Ah.

A bunch of boys sit around a table
and one girl, God help her,

gets under that table
and gives one of them... [smacks lips]

- Blow job?
- [shushes]

And then the young man
on the receiving end,

he has to keep a straight face like this.

A stone face.

And then they guess who the lucky boy was.

I don't understand. Who guesses?

Everyone.

- [Rick] Why you keep looking back there?
- What?

- Something's going on with you.
- No, man. I...

I think I got a shot with Gwen.

[scoffs] Wow, dude.
I'm pretty sure you don't.

She's like a bombshell.

- So?
- What are you, crazy?

You saw the guy she's dating. Nick?

- He's a frigging Adonis.
- [scoffs]

No. An Adonis?

He's 140 pounds soaking wet.
Can't shovel dirt to save his life.

I think guys that are thin
are often considered attractive.

Gwen needs a real man, all right?

A man that can protect her,
who could provide for her.

Who could... Who could chop wood in nature.

I think women care more, like, if a guy's
got a cute face and good personality.

So you might be f*cked.

Wrong.

And if you don't know what
a "power cuck" is already,

I can guarantee you, you'll see it
in action before the weekend is out.

I highly doubt that.

Yeah. Again, I don't think
you have to worry about these kids.

You know, you could just have fun
this weekend.

Fun? Uh...

Like, you need a B average
to get on this trip.

Oh, okay.

And I'll just say that Liam Drake
invented tip-licking

and he's at Georgetown.

- So, there's that.
- Tip-licking?

No one wants just the tip licked.

- That can't be real.
- It's a game. Okay? It's a game.

[Evan] Okay. Well, you know what?

We're gonna keep a good eye out
for any tables or boys...

- Yeah, tables and chairs.
- ...sitting down situations.

Thank you. And please,
if we can just keep a close eye on my son.

The girls are just trying
to eat him alive.

Puberty has hit him like a truck,

and he is just a little boy
in the body of a man.

- Which one's your son? Sorry, I forget.
- [chuckles] The cutest one here.

Josh? Or not Josh?

- Gwen.
- James.

Pearson.

- Oh, James Pearson.
- Oh, yeah. No, he is in the...

- I see why you're worried.
- Yeah.

[Gwen] This is off axis here.

I never knew this system
where you put the stuff in the tent

- and then you build the tent around it.
- [chuckles]

Oh, Gwen. Did you find my Spurs hat?

- I can't find it still. It's MIA.
- I... [groans] I didn't. I'm sorry.

I looked everywhere.

- Wait. What?
- [Gwen] I'm so sorry.

Wait. Why would you have his hat?

- The pool project.
- Yeah.

Markie helped Nick
with, like, digging last night.

- W-What?
- [Markie] Yeah.

Nick needed someone with big muscles
to come over and do all the man work.

You know, I... She asked. I obliged.

Do you have big muscles?

- [scoffs] The biggest.
- [Gwen] Rick was there too.

- Yeah.
- It wasn't, like, just Markie or anything.

Oh, my God.
That'd be so weird if it was just Markie.

- Would it?
- Wait. Rick was there too?

Why is this such a big deal?

I mean, uh, you...
Like, don't make me say it.

What are you trying to say?

Like, everyone was hanging out without me.

Oh, no, no. No. Oh, my God.
We weren't hanging out.

You're totally misunderstanding this.
It was like... It was like help.

Nick needed help digging the pool
and it wasn't, like, fun.

I thought it was fun.

But this is not the kind of thing
that Evan would have found fun.

- He would have hated it.
- It's fine.

- I'm... It's fine. I'm fine now.
- Are you?

- This does not matter to me. It's fine.
- It does not matter. I promise you.

Yo. Can one of you guys
take a look at my tent?

- I got you, bud.
- No, I'll help you.

- Thanks.
- What was that?

- It's fine.
- Yeah.

- This looks good.
- Damn right it does.

[Evan] This is too long.

- I'm trying to arch it up. It's too long.
- It's pissing me off.

But it is starting to look like a tent.

So, whatever you're doing,
just, like, keep doing that.

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna smoke.

You're smoking f*cking weed?

Dude. I have to.

These kids are, like, ten seconds away
from making me cry.

Yo, actually, can you light
this lighter for me?

My thumb's all f*cked-up.

Please?

You shouldn't be smoking weed
on a camping trip with children.

- Who cares?
- How'd you mess your thumb up?

Oh, my God. It's so f*cking stupid.

When we were all hanging out
at Gwen's house last night,

I was trying to plug my Nintendo Switch
into their HDMI cord, behind the TV.

And did this weird move when I was,
like, trying to plug it in. [chuckles]

You guys played Nintendo Switch
at Gwen's house last night?

Dude, we played, like,
eight rounds of Mario Kart.

This was after you guys
did the pool stuff?

Yeah. We were up till,
like, 2:00 a.m. [laughs]

I was so tired this morning,
I almost didn't even come.

♪ Frienemies who when you're down
Ain't your friend ♪

- ♪ Every night we smash a Mercedes-Benz ♪
- ♪ Every night ♪ [clears throat]

- ♪ First we run ♪
- ♪ First we run ♪

♪ But then we laugh till we cry ♪

Good harmony on that one. Good.
Okay. And then we do this together.

- ♪ But when... ♪
- ♪ But when the night... ♪

I think that's... Are you flat there?

♪ When ♪

It's not Broadway.
You don't have to be like,

♪ But when... ♪

You can just be like...
It's like talk singing.

♪ When ♪

It's like you're in Dear Evan Hansen.

- It's not like you're in Hello, Dolly.
- Oh, okay.

♪ But when the night ♪

It's sounding completely flat
to me every time.

- That one was good. I feel.
- Let's go to the chorus.

- Okay.
- Let's go to the chorus.

♪ You got the music in you... ♪

Just wait for me to hit the...

♪ You've got the music in you... ♪

- You're jumping it, you're jumping it.
- Sorry. Two, three.

♪ You've got the... ♪

- No. You didn't even let me hit the chord.
- Something is going on.

- With us?
- Yeah.

Nothing's going on.

- I'm fine.
- Okay.

I'm just... I want the song to be good.

Gotcha!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. What can we do for you?

Just making sure no one
is playing Stone Face.

Okay. We are both teachers in our 30s.

There are two of us. I am gay.

She has a boyfriend.

So for that reason,
and a hundred other reasons,

- we're not playing Stone Face, Sharon.
- [Sharon] Mmm.

We couldn't fit a table in here
if we tried.

Someone is playing it somewhere.

- I know that.
- Okay.

No, but thank you. That... This is...

And that song you were playing.

God, you were a little pitchy,
but it really brought me back.

It was before I was married.

You can imagine the trouble I got into.

- I bet, yeah.
- Right.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Keep an eye out for me, please.

Okay. We'll keep an eye out
for any... anything like that.

[students laughing]

She looking?

- Gwen?
- Mm-hmm.

- [Rick] Nah. She's busy, dawg.
- [Markie] Get her to look, man.

My package is looking loco
in this harness. Look at it.

It looks like you went to a dumpster
and stuffed it with trash, dawg.

She's looking kinda.
Get her to look fully.

- Gwen!
- [groans]

She's still not even looking.

My neck is actually, like,
tweaked out by those tents.

Did you sleep okay?

Are you mad at me? You are mad at me.

- I'm not mad at you.
- [chuckles]

I'm mad at my own feelings
in a stupid situation.

Come on. This is our favorite trip.

I miss my buddy.

Talk to me.

I mean. What... What... [stammers]
Why would you all hang out without me?

Do you guys hate me?

[chuckles]
No. We definitely don't hate you.

It's like everybody acts
like they're my best friend

until I just find out
you all kind of think I'm, like, a weirdo,

and that I can't come to your normie hang
and play video games or something.

I can play video games.
I grew up playing video games.

We know you can play video games.

So then why wasn't I f*cking invited?

It's 'cause you just don't like
helping people, Evan.

I'm just... I mean,
the whole point was, like,

to get together
and help my boyfriend build a pool.

I'm just saying,
it's, like, physical labor.

And I asked the people who, you know...
The whole point was to be helpful.

And you just don't do that, you know?

You don't bring anything to the party

'cause you think you're such a delight
that you don't have to. Thank you.

This is feeling very intense.

Yeah, it kind of is.

Helmet. [exhales]

[Becca] My dad says
that you're really jealous of me.

Really?
Then when did you start wearing blue?

Like, as soon as I started wearing blue.

You literally don't even like blue.

Okay. But I'm wearing a different...
I'm wearing baby blue.

You... You, like, hang out without me
and then you take that opportunity

to then tell me that you don't like
major aspects of my personality?

- Oh, my God.
- Am I right?

Literally the worst decision
I've ever made

was coming on this field trip with you.

Do you think I'm a bad friend?
After all the stuff I do for you.

Like, listening to you talk for hours
about your boyfriend

who's losing his mind

- and building a pool by hand.
- [scoffs]

Or I don't know,
like, when I got you this job.

Oh, you got... Oh, you got me this job?
You didn't get me an interview?

- I'm pretty sure that's what happened.
- That's how you get somebody a job.

I can't believe
I'm friends with you, like, honestly.

You're lucky you're friends with me.

And the fact that you think
you got me the job,

that tells me everything that I need
to know about what you think of me.

What do you think I think about you?

That you think I'm a stupid girl that's
just kind of waiting and hoping at home.

Just waiting for you to call me.
Like, you're just my only friend. No.

- [Becca] Can I have that back?
- [Tiffany] No.

- Take off your jacket.
- I'm not giving this to you.

If anyone's listening
to anybody f*cking b*tch all the time,

- it's me listening to you.
- Oh, my God.

Let me just take this opportunity
to say I'm not your therapist.

I should be paid for the amount of shit
I have to talk you through.

"Is Malcolm my boyfriend? I don't know
if I should make him my boyfriend.

Oh, my God. No, don't text him anymore.
He's not my friend.

Oh, my God. I f*cked him last night."
I cannot keep track.

Mr. Marquez, you have to send Becca home.

- Just cut her out of your life.
- How's that my fault?

- Okay, I'm right here.
- Whoa.

I didn't say I wanted
to cut her out of my life.

Yeah, but you guys wouldn't be arguing
all the time if you actually were friends.

You know what, Tiffany?

Mr. Marquez thinks that conflict
is the end of a relationship,

which is why he's unable
to engage in healthy conflict,

which is ironically a quality
that can end a relationship.

Maybe we're just realizing
we're not a match.

Oh, my God.

Why is that vein bulging out of your neck?

I don't know, Tiffany.

Just ask Gwen.
She knows everything that's wrong with me.

Actually, you are f*cking insane.

Get me the f*ck through this tunnel! God!

Hey. Hey! [grunting]

- Up. Up, up.
- What?

- Why?
- You know damn well why, perverts.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- What was that about?

Just disgusting.

I don't think they were doing
what you think they were doing.

Hmm?

You don't know the half
of what I think they were doing.

Yeah, I just made
this pretty cool decision,

which is,
I'm not gonna talk to you anymore.

Bye.

And the ghost turned out
to be her brother,

who was... who was dead.

- Why?
- [yawns]

Why was he haunting her?

Because... Because...

- she didn't vote.
- [Gwen] Mmm.

- Oh. Oh, my God. [chuckles]
- That's pretty scary stuff, right?

- [Sharon] That was so good.
- [Grant] So, let's vote.

[Rick] Yeah.

Why are you wearing
those night vision goggles?

'Cause it's nighttime. And they're badass.

All right.
Now, we have a little tradition.

You're in for a little treat.
Come on up, Mr. Marquez and Ms. Sanders.

Give it up.

[Evan] Hello.

[sighs]

One, two, three, four.

♪ Frienemies who when you're down
Ain't your friend ♪

♪ Every night we smash a Mercedes-Benz ♪

♪ First we run
But then we laugh till we cry ♪

Here you go.

♪ But when the night is falling ♪

Come on, Gwen. Just...

♪ When your dreams are dying ♪

It's your part.

♪ Hold tight
You only... ♪

Just sing the song, Gwen.

No, no, no. I think you've got this.

So, I guess
you're not the helpful one now.

- You can't help me sing this song?
- It's better solo, right?

He doesn't need me.
I don't think you need me.

I don't think we're a match.

Keep going. Keep going. Show must go on.

Okay. It is not a duet.

♪ You've got the music in you ♪

♪ Don't let go
You've got the music in you ♪

♪ One dance left
This world is gonna pull through ♪

- [laughing]
- [groaning]

♪ Don't give up
You've got a reason to live ♪

- Hey, put him down! Put him down!
- I got it.

[Evan] ♪ We only get what we give ♪

- Go on.
- [Gwen] Guys, guys, stop. Please.

Put him down. [speaks indistinctly]

♪ Health insurance, rip off lying
FDA, big bankers buying ♪

♪ Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying ♪

♪ Fashion sh**t with Beck and Hanson
Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson ♪

- I think she's insane.
- This is great.

♪ Come around
We'll kick your asses ♪

That's it. Okay.
That's great. That's great.

[Rick] f*ck. I burnt another one.

Yeah, Gwen and I are fine, I think.

Or, if we're not fine, it's her fault.
I don't know.

Mm-hmm. Let it out, buddy.

I'm a great listener, you know.

Yeah, look, I got your back, man.

And if it comes to us picking sides,
it's nothing personal, I just... [chuckles]

I really prefer her company to yours.

- You prefer Gwen's company?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

[Sharon groans]

- [Grant] Stop.
- [chuckles]

- Help.
- Is that your safe word?

- Help.
- I think Grant needs help.

- Hey, Sharon.
- Uh-huh.

I think I saw some boys sitting by
a makeshift picnic table by the restroom.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah. And I think...

Now that I think about it, there might
have been a girl over there as well.

[gasps]

I'll be right back.

That was good.

[sighs] Thank you.

- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Every time suburban moms
come to the wilderness... I don't...

- Something happens.
- Yeah.

They make cheaper night vision goggles,
but they're not the real McCoy, you know?

I mean... And check this out, fire 'em up.

I mean, come on.

Yeah, they're so cool.

Seriously, every time I watch
Zero Dark Thirty,

I just pop these bad boys on.

It's like I'm right there.

You watched Zero Dark Thirty
more than once?

You know, Bin Laden had five wives.
That's messed up, right?

You only need one person in life,
you know?

What are you talking about?

Sorry, I just, like... [sighs] I just...
I just need to be alone right now. Just...

I mean, is that what any of us
really want in this world?

- What?
- Give 'em a test drive. That's all.

Just try 'em, you know.
Just... They'll really freak your bean.

- Oh, my God. My bean?
- You know?

No, right there, right there.
Yeah, yeah. Right there.

- Ooh.
- Yeah, right?

- Oh, they're so cool.
- Yeah.

Oh, I wanna take these.
I'll talk to you soon.

All right. Watch it though.

You might see things you didn't know
were there and that changes everything.

[Gwen] What?

The crazy thing is, I didn't even
start smoking weed till I was 32...

to help deal with my imposter syndrome.

Thirty-two? How old are you now?

- [chuckles] I know, right? Exactly.
- [crowd murmuring]

[Grant] You're okay. Just breathe.
You'll be fine.

- You'll be fine.
- [Markie] Is anyone here a doctor?

- Gwen?
- [Markie] Parent doctor. Parent doctor.

Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- Was it something I said?
- Gwen, if this is dr*gs, we need to know.

No shame. No judgment.

- We just need to know.
- It's not dr*gs, stupid.

- It's not dr*gs. It's not dr*gs.
- [Evan] Can you call 911? Sorry.

Evan, do something.

- Hey, where's your bag?
- [breathing heavily]

- Excuse me.
- Stay with me, please.

Please stay with me on this.

[crowd gasping]

[breathes sharply]

Good. Breathe.

What happened?

- Latex.
- [exhales sharply]

The goggles. She's allergic to latex.

I didn't know.

I'm so sorry.

I was so f*cking stupid.

- You're my favorite person in the world.
- [Gwen laughing]

[Gwen] I'm everybody's favorite person.
Oh, my God.

You okay, baby?

She dead?

Guess how many bites
I could throw this down in?

- [student 1] Two!
- Two?

- [Tiffany] No one cares.
- Three?

- [student 2] Four?
- Wrong.

- [Sharon] Oh, gross!
- Look at him. Look at him.

Every time, it's disgusting how he eats.

You should've seen him with the pizza
at my house the other night.

Pizza?

- [gasps] I know.
- Oh, my God.

I keep discovering levels
to this incredible hang you all had.

It's fine. I'm fine. I'm kidding.

You know actually, we...
Everyone is coming over Sunday

if you wanna help mix concrete.

We can order pizza.

I cannot even believe
you don't wanna come.

- I don't wanna come.
- I knew it!

- I knew it!
- I wanna be invited.

So, that... Look, we did it.

- That's all you had to do was invite me.
- You're always invited.

Thank you. Thank you for the invite.

Maybe I'll come by
when the manual labor is over.

- Becca, go sit next to Tiffany.
- Yeah.

- No, she's toxic.
- Everyone is toxic.

- She's your best friend. Go sit with her.
- Just go sit with... Go...

She told me it was offensive
to learn Mandarin.

'Cause you're not Japanese.

That's the wrong country, b*tch.

You're best friends.

- It's not about you. It's about us.
- Best friends sit together.

What's life if you don't have
your best friends?

Go. You will miss each other
when you graduate.

- I promise you.
- That's good.

- You will.
- All is right in the world.

Classic damsel in distress moment
and I biffed it.

Dude, she practically died.

I don't think she was gonna, like,
bounce back to life and hook up with you.

- I should've been a doctor.
- I agree.

You should've been
a completely different person,

and then I think that
this would have worked out.

[Evan] Yeah, this is you.

- Yo, what up, teach?
- Oh, my God.

Sharon, where'd you come from?

What are you guys up to next week?

- We're just teaching, you know.
- Yeah.

- It's work.
- Yeah? Me?

Gotta investigate this new thing
I've been hearing about.

- Okay.
- Good luck. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Have you heard of
a "No Loads Refused Cum Dump?"

- You know, I've got a fish.
- Okay. It was so nice to meet you.

But we didn't exchange numbers.

- You gotta go home, Sharon.
- You have to go home.

♪ I'm so caught up in you, little girl ♪

♪ And I never did suspect a thing ♪

♪ So caught up in you, little girl ♪

♪ That I never want to get myself free ♪

♪ And baby it's true ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ Who caught me
Baby, you taught me ♪

♪ How good it could be, little girl ♪

♪ You're the one that's got me
Down on my knees ♪

♪ So caught up in you, little girl ♪

♪ That I never want to get myself free ♪

♪ And, baby, it's true ♪

♪ You're the one
Who caught me and taught me ♪

♪ Got me so caught up in you ♪