[bouncy music]
[laughing]
Yee haa!
[car collision]
[crowd cheers]
[snoring]
Your mum and dad gonna
want anything for last call?
I gotta hand it to you
Spencer, you sure can drink.
[rock music]
[comical music]
[heart beating]
Jug of draft and six sh*ts of whisky.
The law says am not
allowed to serve someone
who is visibly intoxicated.
But am gonna make an
exception this one time.
f*cking A.
[gulping]
♪ Ecstasy ♪
♪ Ecstasy ♪
♪ Ecstasy ♪
Crowd: Oh yeah!
[crowd cheering]
[suspenseful music]
So what's with the getup,
you loose a bet and have
to dress up like an idiot?
Don't you know who I am?
Can't say that I do pal.
Am this country's
greatest substance abuse
and welfare broaden crime fighter.
[spits]
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Only I've been hearing
rumors back where am from,
there's some other guy around these parts
that's saying the same
thing about himself.
Some shit-hole calling
himself Drunken Welfare Man.
You know anything about that?
I've seen him around.
You expecting him in any time soon?
He don't keep me posted on his hours.
[vomits]
Well am gonna be
hanging around these parts
until that yellow-bellied
coward shows himself.
You see him,
you tell him Alcoholic-Welfare-man
is looking for him.
You know,
you just puked all over yourself.
Oh it's nothing pal,
you just wait until I
get a proper load on.
Then you'll see a man swimming
in his own excretions.
A real man.
So,
you want another round then?
Always.
Okay.
♪ Ecstasy ♪
[engine running]
[glass breaking]
[jazzy hip-hop music]
♪ Another east-coast track ♪
Narrator: Kevin didn't
know who the man was.
And his heart was racing a mile a minute.
Mostly because he'd just
eaten a handful of pills
and a little because he
was scared and nervous.
[water splashes]
Relax kid.
I an't gonna hurt you.
My name's Clarence.
Narrator: Kevin told Clarence
that he'd be sure to remember that.
Just in case the occasion ever came up,
where he gave a flying f*ck.
Then he asked the man if he
could lend him 70 dollars.
No.
But I tell you what?
I may have a way
where you could make a
whole lot more than that.
Interested?
Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure it was a great idea
to listen to strange men in the park,
offering him money to do things.
It was the kind if thing
that happened to him a lot.
And he remembered asking his father
for advise about it once.
I don't give a f*ck what you do boy.
[door opens]
Ma: Percy.
Oh shit here comes Ma.
If she asks tell her the whore
in daddy's bedroom is yours.
You go stall her whilst I get
out of my f*cking clothes.
I watched your work at
the pharmacy back there.
Gutsy, efficient, devoid of morality.
And an almost blinding
lack of consideration
for the potential consequences.
So, you're just the kind of
man I've been looking for.
Would you like to come with me?
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,
and then he told Clarence
that he would go along.
As long as wherever it was they were going
wasn't non smoking.
You can smoke as much as you like
and, we've got g*ns too.
Narrator: Wow, Kevin thought.
Smokes and g*ns.
Then Kevin asked Clarence if
he'd like to be his new daddy.
[upbeat music]
Closing time Anastasia.
Come on, up and at em.
Hey,
Marty.
Geez it's been a while
since I woke up beside you.
Did we do it or what?
[eerie music]
What's that?
She uh, must have been dreaming Percy.
It don't mean nothing.
What the hell is going on?
Oh I'll tell you what's going on.
You've been banging Marty
behind my back again ain't cha?
Marty loves me more
than you ever could.
Ain't that right Marty?
I swear Percy I ain't been with her
since that time you caught us
and them two Puertorican
guys having that four way.
Yeah well what I think
is you is full of shit.
And maybe you is need a
good old fashion beating
so is you learn your lesson.
[ominous music]
Not so fast you f*cking fat slob.
Who the hell are you?
Who am I?
[upbeat music]
♪ Who's the hero on the loose ♪
♪ Covered in puke and pissing boots ♪
♪ Defying the government wherever he can ♪
♪ Alcoholic-Welfare man ♪
Wherever there's crime you'll find me.
Wherever there's someone in need of help,
you'll find me.
If someone is being oppressed,
I'll be there.
If the bar is still
serving, I'll be drinking.
If you turn your back,
I'll steal your booze.
That's who I am.
Shut your f*cking face hole
and mind your own g*dd*mn business.
[glass breaking]
Oh jeez,
my f*cking hero.
That's right.
[vomits]
I'll be back in here later
today for first call.
And remember, if you see
that as*h*le imposter,
Drunken-Welfare man tell him
there's a new sheriff in town.
I suggest we get the
introductions over with
and get down to business.
To ensure our safety
should something go wrong.
We all use nicknames.
None of us knows the true
identity of any of the others.
This is The Nose,
[sniffles]
for obvious reasons.
This is Kneecap because
of his nasty habit of
breaking the kneecaps of
anyone who betrays him.
Can you guess what my name is?
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,
and then he said as
near as he could figure.
The man's nickname was probably
Stupid Ugly f*cking as*h*le.
This is Johnny Thumps,
you'd do well to stay on his good side.
Narrator: Kevin told
the man that he was sorry,
and that he'd only said that because
he was starting to sober up
and not thinking straight.
Then he asked Clarence
why he used his real name,
when everyone else had nicknames.
Clarence is my nickname.
Its because of my uncanny resemblance
to famed television actor
Clarence Williams III.
Otherwise know as the black
guy, on The Mod Squad.
Don't ask. Trust me
So I guess before we go any further
we'd better pick a nickname
for our new associate.
You got a nickname kid?
Narrator: Kevin told the man
that a lot of his psychiatrist
and parole officers
used to call him Demon seed.
Mostly because he didn't
have a conscience.
Especially when it came to hurting people
and stealing things.
Which were two of his most
favorite things to do.
[laughs maniacally]
That's great, Demon seed.
So now that we all know each other,
let's get down to business.
We hit the bank at nine thirty sharp.
The minute it opens.
Kneecap you're in first.
You take the guard down immediately.
Thumps you've got the manager.
Nose you take the tellers,
my man on the inside will
make sure the safe is unlocked
and its security alarms are by passed.
I'll hit the safety deposit boxes.
Demon seed, you're the wheelman.
We'll be inside for ten minutes exactly.
I want you out front in a
car at precisely nine forty.
Have another car lined up so
we can ditch the first one
A-S-A-P.
Any questions?
[whimsical music]
Yes, Demon seed.
Narrator: Kevin asked Clarence
how the nose got his nickname.
[sniffles]
He has a big nose.
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a while,
then he told all the men that
he just didn't see the connection.
[upbeat music]
Hey, how come we ain't
never got nothing to eat?
Coz we are poor
and we spend all our
money on booze and smokes.
Speaking of which, you got a light?
[farts loudly]
f*ck Ma, how much draft
did you have last night?
Like I remember. That
was some fun night huh?
I especially like the part when
that superhero guy kicked you in the head.
I ain't laughed that hard in years.
What?
Geez you don't remember that?
I don't remember nothing
after that fat ugly stripper
gave me that lap dance.
That wasn't no lap dance as*h*le.
I was wrestling you for the last smoke.
Did I win?
Yeah.
[cheering]
I am the greatest.
If you was the greatest
you wouldn't have dropped
like a sack of shit
when that guy kicked'cha.
Whatever reputations yous had,
went right out the f*cking
window with that one.
I could have taken that guy.
That ain't what he said.
He said he was the toughest,
most alcoholic welfare cheat there was.
And he dared anyone to prove it different.
Oh what I could tell just looking at him.
He had a way bigger unit than you do.
That's it.
It's time that there Alcoholic-Welfare man
learned what a real problem drinking
pants-pissing welfare cheat looks like.
Ma,
get my suit.
Get it yourself as*h*le.
Fine, but I'll remember this.
No you won't,
you drink too much to remember anything.
That's right, and don't you forget it.
Why not,
you will.
So I guess you see my point then.
[intense percussive music]
[epic music]
Time to lay down the law.
[epic music]
[dramatic music]
Hey Marty,
I hear some as*h*le calling
himself Alcoholic-Welfare man's
been calling me out.
Well it's time he learnt who
the real boss around here is.
Drunken-Welfare man is gonna beat the life
outta that imposter.
Then he's gonna get drunker
than any man you ever seen.
Then he's gonna throw up on
the floor in the men's room,
and and he may even piss his own pants.
Holy f*ck you're some
kinda hero I'll give you that.
So where is this as*h*le?
He just passed out drunk in the corner.
[snoring]
Pf ft! Passed out. f*ck it
ain't even nine o'clock yet.
f*cking p*ssy.
Well,
he's been in here since we
opened at ten this morning.
I've seen a lotta drinking in my time.
But that guy's some kinda genius.
You ain't seen nothing yet pal.
Gimme a jug of draft
and a bottle of vodka.
Oh it's against the law
for me to serve you a whole bottle.
But since you're doing this for
the greater good of mankind.
Am gon look the other way.
[epic music]
[comical music]
[thuds on the floor]
Keep it down f*ck.
Which one of you assholes just woke me up?
Geez you just missed the
greatest half hour of drinking
I've ever seen.
Greatest my ass.
Gimme two of everything he
has and a f*cking stop watch.
I'll show you how a real
crime fighting alcoholic superhero drinks.
[dramatic music]
[thuds on the floor]
[comical music]
[grunting]
It's like being in ancient times
and watching a duel
between two noble warriors.
[grunting]
Hey this ain't ladies night guys.
You having another round,
Or you want me to call the p*ssy
police to come and get you?
Gimme another [mumbles]. Beer.
Beer? f*ck me.
Gimme rye,
lots.
Now that's more like it.
Nice pants looser.
Yeah well, look at your
[slurs] f*cking pants.
I'll have you know,
I've pissed my own pants three time today.
And am about to do it again.
You try getting that drunk.
You ain't man enough.
Woops! Tough guy wet his pants.
Lemme show [slurs]
See that.
[disgusted]
I've been so loaded I've
had sex with her. Lots.
Sucks.
You call yourself an alcoholic?
For your information you fat sack of shit.
I can't even get it up no more.
Now that's drinking.
Well, we'll just see about that.
[gulping]
Narrator: Kevin had stolen
the best car he could find.
Which for Kevin meant
the one that was closest,
since he was never much for walking.
Unfortunately the car he had
stolen didn't run real well
and kept stalling.
Mostly because Kevin
had never really learnt
how to drive a stick.
Because all that shifting
seemed like a whole lotta work.
[gear squeals]
[dramatic music]
[dialing phone]
Two minutes more.
Move move move.
This just in.
Moments ago our police scanners
recorded a call to 9-1-1.
Apparently a bank robbery
is in progress as we speak.
We will get a camera
there as soon as possible,
so stay tuned for full coverage.
Bank robbery[slurs].
That sounds like a job for,
Drunken-Welfare man.
Oh no you don't.
This is gonna be Alcoholic-Welfare
man to the rescue.
Or my name ain't Alcoholic-welfare man.
Run like the wind you
unemployed alcoholic assholes,
like the wind.
[dramatic music]
Times up. Let's move out.
[police sirens wailing]
Demon seed, what the hell are you doing?
Narrator: Kevin told the man
he'd gotten bored sitting in the car,
so he'd gone over to check
out some shinny things.
Just get in and drive dammit.
Narrator: That's when
Kevin told his new friends
that he couldn't drive the car any more.
Because he couldn't remember
where he left the keys.
You f*cking looser.
[cars skidding]
[g*n cocks]
Narrator: Kevin wasn't
real sure what was going on,
because he'd pretty much
stopped paying attention.
But he figured
he'd just pretend to be
an innocent bystander
so he wouldn't get arrested
or caught in the crossfire.
That idiot over there was in on it.
Honest he was the driver.
Narrator: Kevin told the cops,
gee wiz he didn't know
what the heck the mean man
was talking about.
[doors slam shut]
That was some quick thinking Kevin.
However your plan has one major flaw.
We still ain't got no
money to go to Happy land.
Narrator: Kevin told
the bird not to worry.
Because when he stole the car,
he'd also helped himself to all the change
the owner kept in the ashtray for parking.
Why did I ever doubt you Kevin.
[dramatic music]
Freeze.[pukes]
[shouts]
[thuds on the floor]
You f*cking [slurs] son of a.
[heart beats rapidly]
My f*cking heart.
[thuds on the floor]
And still champion.
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a teen f*cking
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
Narrator: Hey,
why don't you show me
how a glue g*n works.
Oh that would be fascinating.