Don't Mess with Grandma (2024)

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Don't Mess with Grandma (2024)

Post by bunniefuu »

(goose honking)

- JT: Hey, Mr. Fletcher.

- (goose honking)

- No shit from you, please.

- (goose honking)

- Hey!

- (goose honking)

Will you go?

Just get outta the f*ckin' way.

as*h*le!

Jesus Christ.

Okay, you just stay over there.

(goose honking)

All right!

Got your ham steak,

green beans...

And I don't know what that is,

but it's yellow.

And this is for you.

All right.

You need anything?

- Mil...

- Oh, okay. Milk. Gotcha.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

You all, uh,

stocked up on bendy straws?

Uh-huh.

All right. You're the man.

Be right back. Shut up!

(goose honking)

(goose honking)

Jeez...

(phone beeping)

Granna:

Who... who was that?

Were you a person or a computer?

(beeping)

Do I talk during the beep?

Okay, this one?

No? No? Okay...

Granna:

I need more time

if I'm supposed to

talk during the beep.

No? No. Uh, Ruth,

is there any reason

why these can't go, like,

right here, like within rea...

No? No. Okay. All right.

Okay, Granna, you can do it,

just start talking.

- (phone beeping tones)

- Here you go, Ollie.

Just reach for it.

Come on, a little help.

Hey! There you go.

There you go.

All right, cool.

Uh... Ollie,

you're not tied off!

Ollie, can you help me out?

Granna:

Rufus, I'm coming!

I'll be right back.

Hold on.

(phone beeping)

That's right.

We're outta dog food.

You know what he eats.

Get it on your way over.

Well, I'm glad I got

to the end of that.

(engine starting)

Yo, Trent. Dude!

(groaning)

I'm awake.

JT:

You wrapped up?

You wrapped up yet?

Sure. Yeah, sure.

JT: I'm clocking out,

so start getting up.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Yeah.

JT:

What, no long hots?

I'm on vacation tomorrow, right?

No waking up any earlier

than I have to.

And the peppers wreck

your gut in the morning.

Yeah, that,

and your grandma's bathroom.

Mm, please don't.

- I got bathroom duty.

- Anything substantial?

- No, just a leaky sink.

- Ah. Well, then,

I will be sure to leave

the sink out of it.

- (chuckling)

- Ehh.

You need me to bring

anything up tonight?

No, we should be good.

Just give me a shout

when you're close.

Will do. Oh, I'm excited

to see some trees and water.

You know, my Granna

really likes you.

Changed sheets in the guest room

and everything.

How is jolly old grandma?

Well, she's... family.

You find the courage

to pitch her Shady Aches yet?

- Acres and no, not yet.

- It's still called Shady?

Aches is probably

more appropriate.

Right?

(chuckling)

You know, if she could

be like 90 miles closer,

so I could see her 90% less,

that would be ideal.

What is it?

A two-hour drive?

- And some change.

- So, that's like

five hours of driving

a day, plus van duty.

Ehh. I like audiobooks.

The lengths we'll go to avoid

talking to loved ones.

Yup.

Hey, why don't you get her here,

so you don't have to listen

to audiobooks and shit.

Hmm. I can

get hungover again.

Think of all the long hots

you could eat.

(sighing)

You know what?

By all means,

blow up my Granna's toilet.

I will take you up on that,

but I can shit in the woods.

- JT: You're a bear.

- Oh, that is unbearable.

Well, you just got

to bear with me.

Oh that's my cross to bear.

To bear, yeah, yeah.

And all the while,

we will have to get

our bearings straight...

Okay.

While witnessing

an actual bear.

- Uh... I'm done. No.

- Oh, come on.

You're doing 'beary' good,

JT, 'beary' good.

- (in funny voice) Bear, bear.

- Bear, bear.

(in normal voice)

Bear yourself.

(chuckling)

(straining)

Forty-nine..

(straining)

Fifty.



(phone beeping)

(sighing)

(engine starting)

Narrator (on stereo:)

Book Seven

and Finale of

the "Wizard Wars" Heptalogy.

"Chapter 1:

The moon is full

as the thunderous bellows of

the Fire Clan of wizards

prepare for the inevitable.

With lava-forged iron

boiling an ocean of swords,

the portent clouds under the sun

cast a shadow of w*r."

(yawning)

"Chapter 23. With an invading

terra-truck caravan,

"Chambers' endurance found an

unlikely alliance

"with the Obsidian Hound

of the Obsidian Desert.

"With trauma in

the footprints of his life,

and a revitalized..."

"Chapter 54. Chambers,

the Grand Iron Wizard,

stood to claim his birthright,

siphoning his

aptitude of struggle

for the sake of

his precarious lineage...

With an invading terra-truck

caravan, Chambers..."

- (knocking)

- (growling, barking)

(growling, barking)

(barking)

(growling)

(barking)

Ha! Too slow you mangy... mother!

Of my mother.

Hey, Granna.

Take this upstairs.

Jeez.

You can start with "hi."

Why you need a "hi?"

Huh.

I see you finished him.

Her.

She was a mama.

Five cubs.

Most he's ever seen.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

My Francis, he hiked eight miles

in Sierra Nevada

with her head and pelt

strapped to his back.

I thought it was illegal to

hunt a mother and her cubs,

not to mention...

(mouthing words)

- Huh?

- I'm saying,

I thought it was illegal,

like you couldn't k*ll...

- It is.

- Hmm.

Damn, cubs. Sorry.

The brats ate her headless body.

Jesus.

- What? Huh?

- Nothin'.

No, no, no, no, no.

What'd you say?

I didn't really

say anything, Granna.

Get that upstairs.

(barking)

(sighing)

(scoffing)

Not cool, Granpop.

Hey, are you cooking?

Granna...

why... why you cooking?

I brought...

dinner.

- Rufus outside?

- (barking)

(sighing)

Yeah.

Bring him in.

He's fine out there for a while.

Nonsense.

Just go get him.

Granna, Rufus doesn't like me.

So?

Lots of folks don't like you.

What's cooking?

Chicken corn chowder.

Is there any chicken?

Uh-uh. All out.

Well, then,

it's just corn, right?

What?

I'm saying,

if there's no chicken,

isn't it just corn chowder?

Don't be dim.

Don't have no corn.

Go get Rufus.

(growling, barking)

(barking)

You're either getting faster

or I'm getting slow...

Oh, shit!

(barking)

I don't like you.

But you...

Can you actually see with those?

Mm?

You know, Granpop's glasses,

do they actually help you see?

I see enough with them.

Are you sure?

Carl says they'll do.

Who's Carl?

Young man that

gets my groceries.

Oh, well, he would know.

He's in medical school,

getting a bona fide livin'.

Well, I get a bona fide...

Did you look at the sink?

I just got here, Granna.

I just need a minute, okay?

Fine.

It's upstairs.

I know.

Will that knee

let you get up there?

Granna,

I just came from the attic.

Fine.

I know that

knee gives you trouble.

Well, it hasn't

stopped me so far.

(chuckling mirthlessly)

Don't know about that.

Hold on.

Gimme this.

So, where are you?

Here?

Well, here looks good.

All right.

"In the time between heartbeats,

I went from loathing this moment

to carnal anticipation.

'I think I'm going to leave, '

I lied to Philip.

'Of course I know you're

just around the corner,

'but if you'd like a ride, '

Philip said,

as I felt his throbbing phallus

puls... pulsate against

my... moistening thigh.

It was then I knew

I was going to take a ride,

but not the ride

he was suggesting."

I'm gonna go look at the sink.

It's upstairs.

JT: Still?

Okay, yeah, gotcha. All right.

Granna:

Mm.

(sighing)

Sink. Rum.

Rum. Sink.



My dear

Listen here

I know its not

right to see

Fellas losing jobs

and people...

(grunting)

Oh, hey, rum, how you doing?

Mmm.

Ooh, and it's getting

so hard for me to see

The good,

the bad, the ugly

Keep my focus

(chuckling)

And I know sometimes

The world can be

so hard

And reach down deep

to find

The good in your heart

And bring light

to dark

All you need to do is see

That only love

can help us overcome...

(creaking)



Ugh.





Oh, sweet baby Jes...

(screaming)

- (crunching)

- (screaming)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

That's how we do!

Showed you up!

Oh... Guys, is it bloody?

I think I got him bad.

Did I get him bad?

(breathing heavily)

Is he dead?

I wasn't even aiming.

Oh, man...

(yelping)

(groaning)

(breathing heavily)

Oh my God! Oh!

What is happening?!

- (foot thuds)

- (man gurgling)

Hey, as*h*le,

I'm gonna need

you to shut the f*ck up.

Granna:

What was that?

Uh, nothing, Granna.

- I need to doctor!

- Shh!

Granna:

Did you hear that?

Uh, no, no.

I didn't hear anything.

Did you hear the part

about shutting fucks up?

- (breathing heavily)

- Shh!

- Granna: Is that Rufus?

- Uh, uh...

No, no. It's just, uh...

(whispering:)

Why are we whispering?

I was... I was taking

out the trash,

and I dropped a piece

of garbage on the floor.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna to toss it out.

Granna:

Of course you did.

Man: (yelping) No!

Woman: Come on,

you're almost out...

(all groaning)

Oh!

(sighing)

I really shouldn't

be drunk for this.

(Man coughing)

Oh, God...

(groaning)

Come on, Carl, let's go.

(both groaning)

Carl:

Ted!

(groaning)

Come on!

Pulled down the shade...

(tapping pockets)

Oh.

Oh, f*ck.

- (Rufus grumbling)

- (Ted groaning)

Carl:

Oh. Sorry, Ted.

Great idea

on the masks, you dipshit!

Hey, man,

we all agreed on masks,

and we all agreed on the theme.

How about a theme of three

people who can f*cking see?!

Carl:

Hey, just hold still, okay?

I'm trying to

remember splint day. Kim?

Kim, do we have any

Popsicle sticks, please?

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, God!

Don't worry.

It's not as bad

as being figuratively

and literally

stabbed in the back!

Kim: Ugh!

I said I was sorry!

You say sorry for spilling sweet

tea, not for stabbing somebody!

- Oh, God!

- Carl: Please hold still.

Nobody get more hurt than this,

because if you do,

I'm gonna be completely lost.

So, what the hell was that?

I thought you said that it was

just a little old lonely lady.

Carl:

It is!

Okay. So,

who's her Terminator dude?

Carl: I don't know.

Maybe a neighbor or something?

What?

Carl:

Maybe a neighbor or something.

- What?!

- Maybe a neighbor or something.

Take off the f*cking mask,

so I can hear you!

Maybe a neighbor or something.

Ted: God, we've gotta do this

before Stan gets here.

- No!

- That's not going to happen.

No, we are calling

this whole thing off.

What? Why?

Because the plan

incorporated a little, old lady.

A little, old, lonely lady.

Yeah, not a Terminator dude.

It's just some piney

dropping off moonshine, okay?

We'll be all right.

Really?

Because he ragdolled us.

Yeah, because he had

the element of surprise, Kim.

Plus a 40-pound

surplus of muscle mass.

Mm-hmm.

And probably Satan.

- What?

- Must be his car, right?

- Oh!

- Oh, God.

Give me your hand.

You see that wolf head

and the jar of eyes,

and I'm pretty sure

he was wearing a pentagram.

Think about it.

You're not pretty sure

of anything.

You couldn't see anything 'cause

of the f*cking masks, Carl!

Deep in the woods like this?

This is where Satanists

go to have orgies

with goat sluts

and bathe in fetus blood.

Goat sluts?

Goats that are sluts.

Can a... can a goat be a sl*t?

Kim:

Yes, Ted.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can we all just cool it with

the slutty goats for a second?

All right? We...

We gotta get out of here

because he's probably

going to call the police.

He can't call the police because

I actually did something right

and I cut the phone cord.

(chuckling)

Carl:

That's, uh...

that's great, yeah.

But uh, it's

probably safe to say

that your satanic

Terminator dude

did not travel back from 1984.

Oh, it's also

probably safe to say

that that's his

f*cking phone, Carl!

But...

So, how's your

pornography, Granna?

Mwah!

Oh, you smell like hooch.

Well, a little helps me plumb...

and, you know,

punch homicidal home invaders.

Hmm?

Nothing.

The lavatory better

be ready in time for my bath.

(sighing)

This night won't end well.

(Rufus grunting)

(whimpering)

Okay.

a*mo.

Puzzle pieces.

As...

Puzzle pieces...

a*mo.

Here we go.

(sighing)

Probably gonna die.

(barking, panting)

Hey, Granna.

How's it going?

Gonna start ladling.

All right. Smells good.

I said, smells good.

Okay, I'm gonna go to my car.

And... that's him.

(slurping)

Uh-huh.

Oh shit.

(barking)

Oh shit.

What the f*ck?

Man:

Can you believe this?

It's a spit in yer

f*ckin' face is what it is.

Language, please.

And this was supposed

to be the down payment gig.

Never send candy-asses

to do a bad-asses job.

There you go again...

Jiminy Christmas!

(laughing)

Okay.

Wow, you're pretty strong.

Emphasis on...

(coughing)

You okay?

You're pointing a g*n at me.

Well, yeah, well,

but you know...

(Rufus barking)

(barking)

I gotta go.

(Rufus barking)

- (barking)

- Ha!

That's three for three, you

literal son of a...

b*tch.

(laughing) You're gosh darn

right I'm your b*tch.

Now, why don't you

come over here

and wrap your lips

around this sweet justice?

'Cause I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

I'm about...

Oh boy, am I gonna put...

No, all right.

Come on, cut it out.

All right, no.

Okay, that's not...

You're... can you...

I could sh**t you!

Come on, would you stop?

Just...

I'm gonna...

I could put a hole in you.

Come on, let go.

Oh, mother of pearl!

Did anybody bring any bug spray?

(talking over each other)

Okay, we just have to focus

and stay calm and...

(grunting)

Stan:

Son of a b*tch!

Oh...

- (racking g*n)

- Stop!

Oh, I've got mouths to feed.

Chowder N-O-W.

Does anyone know

what's happening?

- (mosquito buzzing)

- Stan, are you okay?

Boy, sure am hungry.

Huh?

Hungry.

Stop mumbling so much.

Looks good.

Granna,

you ever think about moving?

Huh?

You know, living somewhere else.

Moving?

Yeah, yeah.

You know,

somewhere more comfortable.

I am comfortable.

Oh, maybe I should

say more convenient.

What are you getting at?

Well, it's just you're just so

far away from grocery stores,

doctors,

cell service, restaurants...

police.

Huh?

I mean, what if

there's... an emergency?

Like what?

Well, what if you

fall down the stairs?

Well, you'd help me.

But... but Granna,

what if I'm not around?

Well, why wouldn't you be?

Are you okay?

Granna,

it's just that... it's just...

It's a lot to get here.

Oh.

So...

it's inconvenient for you.

That's what you're getting at.

No!

I am inconvenient.

- Granna!

- Yeah.

Well, I'm not about

to leave here.

All of Francis' stuff is here.

And I'm not going south,

like your mother.

- My mother?

- Mm-hmm.

You mean your daughter?

She just up and

left us here to die,

for all she knows.

When I do die,

it's going to be here in my bed.

In our bed, Francis.

What?

Granna, that's not

what I mean. It's not...

- All right.

- Now, why are you jabbering?

Nothing, nothing...

You know.

But you might get your wish.

I'll be back.

I'm not a bad shot.

Ted:

Uh, how... how not bad?

I've got a ribbon.

Ted: So?

It's a marksmanship ribbon.

It's not fancy, but it means

I'm officially not a bad shot.

All right.

Well, damn!

That is, uh...

it's not bad.

Both hands.

I'd love to, but, um, I was...

stabbed earlier!

Oh, yeah, right.

Listen, buddy, we can...

We can make this

real easy for you.

Uh, we can make this real easy

for everyone if you just leave.

Or you can leave

with your grandma.

Or you can get shot

with your own g*n.

It's actually Stan's g*n.

But all right, message received.

Buddy, we just want to ransack

something inside

the house real quick.

What's inside the house?

You can even hang on to the g*n.

You and your grandma,

you can sit on the porch,

and... and we'll go in there,

and we'll do our business.

It'll take 45 minutes max.

Huh? And then,

we'll get out of your hair.

We'll even clean up

after ourselves.

Okay.

I can hold on to the g*n?

Sure, man, yeah.

You can hang on to the g*n.

Look, we'll

congregate out front, huh?

And you and your grandma can set

yourself up with some sweet tea.

We'll get inside there,

we'll do our business,

and we'll get outta your hair

because the last thing

that we want

is for anyone else to get hurt.

(whooshing, thudding)

Jan:

Oh, shit.

Nice shot, Jan!

Just go help.

(muffled yelling)

(cackling)

How's that marksmanship ribbon

working out for you now, fucker?

(cackling)

(muffled yelling)

On it. I'm kinda excited

to get the granny!

It's like a final boss,

you know what I mean?

(growling)

(whimpering)

Stan!

(Rufus barking)

Stan?

That's a good dog.

How you doing?

- (barking)

- You... you good?

- (barking)

- Oh, good boy!

- That's a good boy!

- (barking)

Stan?

Who's... who's a good boy?

- (barking)

- Who's a good boy?

- Yes, he is.

- (Rufus barking)

- (barking)

- (yelping)

(snarling)

Oh! Oh, God! Oh my God!

(yelping)

Stan! Stan!

- (growling)

- (Ted screaming)

(screaming)

Stan! Stan!

(yelping)

(growling)

Rufus? Simmer down.

Oh... f*ck!

(growling)

Oh my God!

(Ted screaming)

f*ck! Stan!

Out of the f*cking way!

Get your ass... (screaming)

(snarling)

(Stan screaming)

- (Rufus growling)

- (screaming)

(screaming)

Granna:

Rufus!

Come on, hush up now.

(Rufus howling)

(groaning)

(breathing heavily)

That was bad.

(breathing heavily)

(Rufus growling)

What?

Oh, please no.

What did I tell you?

Rufus, what's with

all the racket?

We're just roughhousing

a little bit.

Oh. All right, then.

- He's being nice.

- Granna: Course he is.

I wasn't talking about him.

Now, let's get you a treat.

- Hm?

- I'm not that hungry, Granna.

How about a turkey neck?

Come on.

(Rufus whines)

All right, baby.

(sighing)

Wonder if I k*lled that guy.

Holy mother of c**t!

What the hell

happened in there?!

Well, it seems the dog in there

has become quite territorial.

He knows, shit-stick,

he was there!

It was one guy!

And an old lady, and a dog!

Hey, Stan, you wouldn't happen

to have my laces, would you?

(cracking)

Honey, be careful!

It's my back!

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.

Okay, okay.

What was he

saying about ribbons?

It's, uh,

marksmanship or something?

Something marksmanship?

The military issues marksmanship

ribbons if you're exemplary.

- You think he served?

- He checked the chamber when

he got ahold of the r*fle and

keeps his finger on the guard.

Why didn't we know about this?

That explains his resilience.

Oh, it's not

resilience; it's luck.

I had him on the ropes

before the dog assist!

Okay, fine.

Yeah, but his, um,

good luck streak

is continuously getting

us all injured.

And I am running

dangerously low on gauze,

and I have but one

baby aspirin pill left,

and I used my last

Popsicle stick on...

Might be time

to call in the McDougals.

- Oh, f*ck that.

- What's a McDougal?

The type of family that

would say yes to this job.

No. And you will

never meet them,

because I am not splitting any

more of this job with anyone.

Monday, I've got to put

20% down on...

f*ck this five ways from Sunday.

Six ways.

Six ways from Sunday.

We're not calling nobody,

because there ain't nobody

in my family better

suited for this.

I'm the guy you call!

And if he was gonna sh**t a guy,

he'd have shot a guy.

Billy, you didn't have a

concussion eight minutes ago.

Yeah, and you had all your

teeth nine minutes ago, so...

f*ck you both!

Do you have any idea

what he has in there?

No, because your

hillbilly run-on sentences

are really hard to understand,

and now you don't have any...

Pam and I'll sneak in through

the roof and grab the grandma.

When he drops the g*n,

I'll shove it up his ass!

With his ribbon.

Bill, please, come on.

Just slow your roll.

We've got an ace up our sleeve.

Kim's hiding out in there.

Yeah, she, uh, slunk in

with us through the, uh...

Kim:

Someone help catch me!

Stan:

window.

(chuckling)

What was that about your ace?

Oh, it hurts more when I walk...

- Jan: Yeah, yeah.

- Stan: I tell ya that.

JT: If they're resorting

to a bow and arrow,

I'm pretty sure that

we've got their only g*n.

Plus, you know,

we did some serious damage

to their "toughs",

especially that one guy.

(Rufus whining)

But what the hell do we do now?

I mean, do we start k*lling 'em?

I don't really want to.

I mean, they're kind of pitiful

and...

I've been drinking.

Plus, I had eye contact

with that one goon,

and that was

kind of nice, right?

(sighing)

But you know,

it's not like they're not not

trying to k*ll us and Granna.

And I'm pretty sure that one guy

was about to make

a h*m* slur

before I kicked

the living shi... Rufus?

(Rufus barking, growling)

Rufus! Rufus!

- (Rufus snarling)

- Rufus!

Rufus!

Rufus, what are you

doing in the bathroom...

Oh shit!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Go outside!

Outside, man.

(stammering)

Go outside!

Outside!

Outside's the place to die.

Outside!

(stammering)

Come on. Go ahead.

Come on. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Not in here! Not in here!

God damn it!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, this is gross!

f*ck! Oh! Oh, God,

this is so f*cked up.

This is so f*cked up.

Everything's okay. It's okay.

(muttering)

- (gurgling)

- (JT stammering)

(groaning)

(stammering)

- Ride the tiger

- (gurgling)

You can see his stripes

but you know he's clean

Oh, don't you

see what I mean

Gotta get away

(gurgling)

- Holy diver...

- (gurgling continuing)

Yeah

- Guess he's...

- (gurgling)

You seem pleased with yourself.

(barking)

He was trying to k*ll us, so...

it's not really m*rder.

- But it's...

- (gurgling)

Oh, shit.

He's starting again.

- (stammering)

- (gurgling)

Like shiny diamonds

Like the eyes of a cat

in the black and blue

Something is coming

for you

Look out

Ride the... to the morning

Sing to the...

Something in the...

- (gurgling quietly)

- (Rufus barks)

Mm-hmm.

(thudding upstairs)

Hey!

You up there?

(hairdryer whirring)

Hey, what are you doing?

You taking a bath?

No, no, Granna.

You running one for me?

Yes, yes I am.

I knew you wanted

to take a bath,

so I figured

I'd get you started.

Oh. Well, all right then.

All right.

Why are you wearing his robe?

It's almost bedtime,

so I figured I would

relax in a robe and pants.

Uh-huh.

It's just comfy.

Why is the water red?

It's just the way

of the soap, Granna.

It's... you know, it's like the...

Oh yeah, um...

the raspberry mountain berry.

Red... red, like a berry.

Were you talking about that...

That raspberry raspberry?

- No. Never mind.

- JT: Yeah.

Did you finish the sink?

No, no, Granna,

but I will finish it

first thing in the morning.

It's just become a little

more tricky than I thought.

Fine, I suppose.

Yeah, you know, Granny,

I was thinking that maybe

we can play some, um...

Some rummy later,

after your bloodbath... bath.

- Bath.

- Rummy?

Mm-hmm.

Now, we haven't played

rummy for years.

Yeah, so why not just

start it back up, you know?

Kind of like the old days.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see how I'm feeling.

Okay, uh, Granna, you mind if I,

uh, leave Rufus in here with you

for a little while?

That's fine.

Okay.

(Quietly) Hey, if anyone other

than me comes in here,

you f*cking decimate them

with extreme prejudice.

- You copy?

- (whimpering)

Right the f*ck on.

Granna, enjoy your blaaath.

Granna is literally bathing

in the blood of mine enemies.



(grunting)

(squealing) Aah! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

JT: Oh, it's you.

(groaning)

Jesus.

(grunting, thudding)

What?

What was that?

(groaning)

You've had worse.

It's not localized to my ass.

How's your back?

It's fine, surprisingly.

All right,

the McDougals are on standby,

but their price point is

f*cking ridiculous.

(stammering)

How much does freeze-dried

survival cheese cost?

Pam and Bill are

trying something first.

We'll just... we'll wait

and see how that goes.

I've never actually seen Bill

accomplish anything, have you?

No, he's pretty

damn incompetent.

Pam, though...

Stop! Stop!

Undefeated amateur kickboxer.

Straight up k*ller.

But it's on the ground

where they're dangerous.

Second degree

jiu-jitsu black belt?

Something like that.

JT: Oh, shit!

(crunching)

(grunting)

(yelping)

Walking embodiment of overkill.

- Aah!

- And all those tours overseas.

f*ck, man. Who knows what

you'd pick up over there.

(grunting)

(Pam coughing)

- (Stan yelps)

- Lot of people don't realize

how much blood is in the ass.

(grunting)

Ah, sweet mother,

dr*gs and speed.



(grunting)



f*ck it.

(JT yelling)

- (railing snapping)

- (both grunting)

See. You're barkin'

for nothin'.

(both grunting, wheezing)

Hey.

This is where we met.

Go f*ck yourself.

(grunting)

Semper fi?

Sua sponte, Ranger Batt.

(grunting)

You?

One tour Iraq, two Afghanistan.

Huh.

Right on.

You?

One tour, Kosovo.

- Pam: No shit.

- Yeah.

JT: (grunting)

Ooh.

Ooh!

(grunting)

You look good.

Thanks.

You should see me

sans home invasion.

Ow.

(grunting)

Yeah.

Same here.

Well, I'll see you around.

(coughing)

Carl: I don't know.

I think I heard something...

(gasping)

Oh, God.

What is happening?

Drop him.

Despite your poor aim,

I prefer my chances

with this guy.

Hey.

(stammering) Um, does

he have a knife?

I feel something kinda knifey.

He's got a knife.

It's a piece of wood

from when I was defenestrated.

You have to go through

a window to be defenestrated.

You can't be defenestrated

from a balcony?

- It has to be a window.

- Defenestrated?

- Pam, you okay?

- Kind of.

- Oh, so your name's Pam, huh?

- Not now.

Just let him go

so he can off into the woods.

What?

No, it's tick season.

Um, Jan, can you please

just, like, lower the bow?

It's not that

I don't trust you. It's just...

You do look like

you're struggling.

Well, he's got a knife

against your throat.

What? I thought it was

a piece of wood

from when he was defenestrated.

Well, you know, Pam,

he said "defenestrated,"

and I would think that...

What the f*ck is happening?

God! My arm.

Does it matter?

He's trying to slice

your f*cking throat open.

(grunting)

You know, contrary to you guys,

I'm not actually trying

to hurt any...

(bones cracking)

body.

(Carl panting)

Guys, why is everyone

quiet all a sudden?

All right, everyone back off,

or I'll f*cking end this guy.

Carl: Oh, God!

Please help me, God!

Please help me, God!

(breathing deeply)

Meh.

Yeah.

How much was backup again?

- (breathing deeply)

- (groaning)

f*cking guy.

All right, you.

Please don't hurt me.

I will saw your head off and

toss it outside to your friends

if you don't start

filling me in on what's going...

Granna:

Jasper?

Uh, Granna, uh, don't come in...

Who's that?

Uh, Granna, this is, um...

Carl!

Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger.

Well, what are you doin' here?

Did I forget an order

or somethin'?

No.

No, no, no.

Um, I was just

in the neighborhood,

and...

I just wanted

to check up on you.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

But I'm fine.

Jasper, this is Carl

that I was I tellin' you about.

And, Carl,

that's my grandson, Jasper.

Jasper.

Grocery-getting, med school,

"bona fide living" Carl?

Well...

(yawning)

I better be on my way.

Nonsense.

Now, we just made

some chowder, if you'd like,

and Jasper and I

were gonna play rummy.

Join us.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna impose,

and plus, I have plans...

(grunting)

Nonsense.

There's chowder.

(breathing unsteadily)

Okay, yeah.

That sounds lovely.

I'll warm up a bowl.

- Carl: Thank you.

- (chuckling)

(grunting)

(gasping)

Oh, oh, shit balls!

You... are so very,

very strong, sir.

Ted:

Well, that's a wrap.

Stan: I saw what he did there.

I saw what he did.

Kim: Are we gonna have enough

for the high priest

and his old lady?

(Stan laughing)

- Stan?

- Mm.

- (slurping)

- Are we gonna have enough?

Ah, well, I mean...

I...

Sorry.

I'm a little lightheaded.

And is there something else

that we should be doing?

This is my first body disposal.

I don't... I mean, if I...

I don't know.

I can... uh, I can...

Like, how... Honey, do we have

any bubble wrap?

Yeah, look, if his family don't

want him to fertilize corn,

he can be the gooey center

of a scrap metal cube.

I mean, really,

it's what Bill would've wanted.

(laughing)

My man.

(panting)

All right, they're on their way.

Oh, God.

The cut's not even

gonna be enough.

Jan:

What choice do we have?

I mean, we're at a point here

where we need to start

prioritizing covering

our dog-gnawed asses,

so if we gotta do another job,

we do another job.

It's almost spring!

Sorry, Bug, maybe you have

to wait another year, or...

Stan: No, don't...

Don't.

No, don't even go...

Don't say that.

I can't wait.

We don't even have a month!

Oh, I...

That was my inside voice.

Glad the employees didn't

hear that.

Well, I mean, in the case of

payout distribution, at least,

um, at least Bill's dead.

Good point, good point.

Oh, f*ck.

Carl.

I don't even wanna think about

what they're

doing to him in there.

Okay, well, we gotta get him

back in one piece

or Mom's gonna k*ll us.

(music playing)



(Carl feigning chuckling)

(clearing throat)

Thank you for the soup,

Mrs. Terwilliger.

Hm?

Um, thank you for the soup...

Oh, of course, sweetness.

(chuckling)

(spoon clinking on bowl)



What... what kind of soup

would you say this was?

Huh?

What kind of soup

would you say this was?

Chicken corn chowder.

Don't be so dim, Jasper.

There's no chicken, or corn.

JT:

Right, how dim of me.

Granna: So...

(chuckling)

Carl, how's school?

Uh, you know, challenging.

And... and you're still workin'

with your brother and sister

to help with money?

Carl: Um... helps pay

those student loans.

(laughing nervously)

Oh, isn't that sweet?

(laughing)

(fake laughing)

Oh, how sweet.

Hm, so, med school.

That does sound...

challenging.

I bet the pressure must have you

dead to rights, huh?

- Yes, sir.

- Mm.

But a k*ller opportunity.

Uh-huh.

With what must be

a murderous schedule.

Weird choices of words,

but sure, yeah, uh-huh.

Well...

(chuckling)

I'm just so excited

about our rummy.

(laughing)

Come on.

Eat up.

(Rufus whining)

- (bowl clunking on table)

- Ah!

So, it's like gin.

I could swear that's rum.

No.

The card game, rummy.

It's like the card game gin.

Oh.

Yeah.

Card game.

You looked confused.

Well...

I think

I was a little distracted

by the thought of having my head

"sawed off and tossed

to my friends."

Oh.

Sorry about that.

Oh, it's okay.

I was just tryin' to be scary.

- Mission accomplished.

- Mm.

(dishes clinking in kitchen)

She's oblivious to the burglary?

JT: Yes.

And "burglary"?

Carl: Yeah.

And, how?

Dumb luck I guess, and I figured

you guys were goin' for

full-fledged homicide?

Well, now they are I guess,

but we really

just wanted to burgle.

What about the mask and knives?

That was Ted's idea...

scare tactics.

But you...

you, sir,

are so much better at it.

Well, thank you,

but that was just a front.

Carl: Oh.

(laughing) Well, you...

you sure fooled us.

(laughing)

(sighing)

Do... do you want me

to take a look at that for you?

The med school story

wasn't a front.

(JT sighing)

So what?

- Student loans?

- Oh, no.

I'm a dropout, but I... I do know

my way around a laceration.

What?

Sibling home invaders?

Um, Ted, Kim,

and I have been doing

the grocery

delivery service scam

for about a year now.

So, you case out old folks

and then rob them?

Well, not all of them.

Just the ones with valuables

and copper pipes.

I really should fix that sink.

Sink?

So, what about

the other assholes?

Look, I really am threatened

and all,

but I just don't

feel comfortable divulging...

(gasping)

Good aim.

I missed.

Oh.

(coughing)

(sighing)

The married couple out there

own a scrapyard.

Are they somehow your parents?

No.

God, no.

- Good.

- Jan's my aunt.

f*ck.

So we would take photographs

of the place

we were staking out,

and they would break down

what's valuable,

and strip the place clean

when the elderly

were out of the house.

But Granna's never gone.

Well, that is probably because

of her selfless grandson,

Jasper.

Tread lightly there, Carl.

Fair enough.

So, what about... Pam?

Local muscle, I guess.

Stan and Jan

organize operations like this

all over the place.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, life and death

are on the line.

- I know.

- For copper?

Well...

it's mostly for the bear.

What?

Carl:

There he is.

JT:

What about him?

And I think it's a her.

Either way,

that is a California grizzly.

So and...

They're extinct, and if

our information is correct,

she's the last one.

Not cool, Grandpop.

Carl: Plus the pelt,

and the head,

and the photographic evidence?

Oh... (laughing)

Easy sell.

So, you're saying

this bear stuff is...

Priceless.

Even with those big,

beautiful, googly eyes.

At least that's what Bill said.

Bill?

Yeah, angry guy,

kinda looks like

if a trailer had a human boy

with a pickup truck.

Red bandana.

Oh, yeah.

Uh...

Oh, he went absolutely

ass-buck-wild

when he got a gander

at this thing.

He was the expert.

Emphasis on "was."

Oh.

Hm.

(trashcan closing)

Looks like we've got

an audience.

Oh, man.

They are really

pilin' up out there.

- Think it'll work?

- Work? (laughing)

There has not been a single plan

today that has come even

remotely close to

the solar system of worked.

Gotcha.

So we're overdue?

I'm more in the neighborhood

of "Why start now?"

- (Rufus whining)

- Hm.



I don't know about this, Rufus.

(Rufus whining)

Hm.

They'll kick

your slobbery mug out

with just one look at ya.

(Rufus whining)

This stays here.

You ready?

No, not really.

Should you really be drinking

that right now?

No, of course not.

Granna.

Hey, Granna.

I'm gonna show Carl

around outside.

We'll be back in a bit

for some cards.

- Okay.

- All right.

Love you, Granna.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll be back.

Love you too, Jasper.

Let's go.

Ted: Hit a guy

in the head with that?

(indistinct conversation)

(Ted laughing)

(people chattering)

Carl:

Okay, okay.

Ted (chuckling):

Let me hit that, dude.

Ted:

And... that's him.

Okay, why are there

so many of you?

Well, meet the McDougals.

They, uh, were a little hesitant

to join our rodeo,

'til k*lling their cousin

put a fire under 'em.

Well, first of all,

I didn't k*ll their cousin.

Rufus the dog

k*lled their cousin.

- Bill's dead?

- Shh.

And secondly, hello,

self-defense.

You're trying to k*ll us.

Yeah, not initially, cockhead!

We are now!

Well, not if I k*ll you first!

You and what army?

Oh, like you

and your gaggle of ass-buckets

have been doin' such

an awesome job up until now.

f*ck you, Solomon Grundy!

f*ck you, Alfred E. Neuman!

- Guys, come on! Guys!

- Alfred E. Neuman?

- Who is Alfred E. Neuman?

- Apparently your father.

Jan:

Stop, everyone, shut up.

Stan: I had you on the ropes

until you went Cujo.

Until I pummeled you

into sublission.

Jan:

Everyone, shut the f*ck up!

- That's not even a word.

- Stan: Bring it!

Don't you even try to blame me

for your bad life decisions,

Ned Flanders.

Oh, you think you're so tall!

Everyone, shut the f*ck up!

Sorry.

(clearing throat)

All right,

I see you came out here

with the intention

of bargaining.

- I have.

- So, have at it.

Okay.

After some light interrogation,

I've come to the realization

that the treasure you seek

is this bear shit.

More or less, yeah.

Well, you can have it.

And Carl here.

And Carl?

Hold that thought.

(whispering)

I think we should ask for more.

Jan: Let me just...

Let me just do this, okay?

No. That's just me.

It's just me.

Let me do this.

Just me.

(slurping)

JT:

How we doin'?

Oh, we are definitely

going to die.

- Over my dead body.

- What?

Jan:

All right!

Are we?

Okay, so here's the deal.

We're still gonna need

to ransack the house, but, uh,

hey, you and Grandma,

and the pooch there,

can wait in the car

'til we're done.

What?

Why? What? For copper?

Jewelry, cast iron,

cash in mattresses,

any beadwork,

that kind of thing.

What?

No. Why?

Listen, meathead.

You see everyone here?

They're all gettin' a cut.

So, while your offer

may have made sense

when it was just

the seven of us,

you have diluted

the revenue to f*ck all.

Oh, bullshit!

Just take the bear stuff and go.

Look, I don't even know anything

other than you...

you own a scrapyard,

and your names are Jan and Stan.

- Well, f*ck me.

- f*ckin' hat.

How did he...

I mean, unless it's called

"Jan and Stan's Scrap"

or something?

No, you got it right.

It's... it's Stan and Jan's...

It's "Stan and Jan's," but it's

a bit of a work in progress.

It's neither here nor there.

Now!



(yelling)

(grunting)



(neck cracking)

The night

has a thousand eyes

(all grunting)

(light switch clicking)

(sighing)

(Rufus barking)

- It's all right, Rufus.

- (Rufus barking)

Stay there.

I'll be down in a minute.

(Rufus whining)



(sighing)



Hm.



(laughing)



(laughing)

(sighing deeply)



- (grunting)

- (bones cracking)





(grunting)



(screaming)





(screaming)









(grunting)

(grunting)



Come on, big boy.





(grunting)



(grunting)















Oh.

(groaning)

(grunting)

Sure.

Go ahead.

It... it's yours.

- JT: What was I...

- (Stan slurping)

JT:

What was I thinking?

That I could...

could stop this?

That I could

fight you all off, huh?

(laughing)

I should've known

I... I would fail.

(panting)

That I can't

accomplish anything.

(panting)

That I can't...

do anything.

Go ahead.

Ransack my Granna's house,

'cause I'll just...

I'll just lay here.

'Cause I can't finish anything.

My God.

He's not human.

I'll just lay here, okay?

'Cause I can't keep

my Granna safe.

Go ahead.

'Cause I can't...

(grunting)

stand on this...

godforsaken bum knee.

- No way.

- JT: Go.

'Cause I sure as hell

can't grit my teeth...

(neck cracking)

..and crack my neck,

and break every one

of your f*ckin' faces!

(yelling)

The night

tells a thousand lies

(grunting)

And when you wake up

in the morning

Were you dreaming

Screaming

Tryin' to hide

your broken heart

Before somebody

cuts it all away

Sunset Superman

(panting)

(Rufus barking)

(man screaming)

McDougals.

Sunset Superman

Meet my brother, Rufus.

(Rufus growling)

- I'll meet you inside.

- (Rufus barking)

Why in the hell

is this happening?

- Sunset Superman

- I don't know anymore.

Satan.

He did say something

about bathing in blood.

(Rufus barking)

- Really?

- (Rufus barking)

Yeah.

Oh-oh,

Sunset Superman

Why the hell

aren't you in there?

(Rufus barking)

Oh, f*ck you.

(Rufus growling)

(Barking)

f*ck you all.

Sunset Superman

(grunting)

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman

Superman

I will shatter

every one of my bones

just as long

as they shatter yours!

Sunset Superman

Sunset

Superman

Oh-oh-oh

(grunting)

Anybody can,

anybody can

You don't have to go home,

but you've got to get the f*ck

out of my granna's house.

Now!

Oh-oh

Sunset Superman

Sunset

Superman

Sunset Superman

- JT: Rufus?

- (Rufus barking)

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman

Holy shit.

Sunset Superman

JT: Granna!

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman

JT: Granna!

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman...

Granna!

Granna: Sweet Jesus!

What?

Granna, where are you?

Granna:

What?

Gr... Are you okay?

Granna:

What?!

Oh, the g*dd*mn hearing aid.

Granna, are you okay?

Granna: Simmer down.

I'm in the attic.

- I'll be down in a minute.

- (laughing)

You gotta be f*ckin' kidding me.

Granna: Oh, that child's

gonna be the death of me.

(sighing)

Rufus, she was in the attic.

Ah, oh, God.

I'm so tired.

I have never been this tired.

(sighing)

(whining)

We just beat up like...

What?

Like 12, 20 guys?

I am going to be sore.

I know.

Dogs can get sore.

Yeah, and don't think

I didn't notice you being

a tough little ragamuffin.

I almost cried

when you came to my rescue.

When you were like...

(imitating growling)

(laughing)

Yeah.

I don't think I k*lled anybody,

but I can't speak

for some dogs in the room.

(laughing)

But yeah, that was...

that dope, mm.

So, you give it up.

Give it up.

Right here.

Well, yeah, I know dogs

can't make a fist,

but you were scary.

- (whining)

- You were so scary. Oh, me?

Oh, you saw me

body slam that guy?

Yeah, you know, it's what I do.

You know, I threw him down.

I heard somethin' go click.

I think I broke his clavicle,

but, you know...

My knee?

Yeah. It'll be fine.

Yeah, you're right.

(laughing)

f*ckin' nuts today.

Right?

f*ckin' nuts.

(laughing)

- (Rufus whining)

- Yeah.

What?

Agreed.

I love you too, buddy.

Love you too.

I know.

I know.

Yeah.

I'm pretty drunk.

(Rufus whining)



(yelling)

(groaning)

Ow, oh, God!

(both grunting)

Oh, this is gonna hurt.

Ow!

(Stan grunting weakly)

Oh.

f*ck, man.

I just wanted

to be on the water, you know?

I... (laughing meekly)

It's funny.

I thought I lost that knife.

(laughing meekly)

Oh!

Well, one thing is for certain,

there's not a spec

of give-up in you.

Ah! No, no, no.

- (crowd gasping)

- Jan: No!

- (grunting)

- Jan: No, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

Ooh!

- Bug, Bug?

- Oh, this is bad.

- You okay?

- This is bad!

- Oh.

- It's my back.

- Yeah, I get that.

- But this is bad.

It's okay. We're gonna get you

to a hospital.

This is...

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh and we were just so close.

We were so close to puttin'

that 20 percent down.

Well, sweetheart, maybe we'll

just settle for the 17-footer.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know if that's

gonna be enough boat.

- I don't...

- (back cracking)

(Stan screaming)

Jeez!

(grunting)

Hey, don't.

Don't get up.

Yeah?

Why?

Oh, uh...

Carl.

You're comin' with me.

Back off!

- Oh, yeah?

- I'll do it.

Come on, kid.

We've come this far.

Hey, don't think that I won't!

- You won't.

- Don't!

Look at me.

Give me the g*n.

Now.

All right, Carl.

Come on.

You f*cking idiot.

Now, we're just gonna...

(g*n firing)

(whimpering)

Oh!

Oh.

(yelling)

Oh, go home.

For f*ck's sake.

Go home.

I'm done!

We're done here.

Aren't you exhausted?

(car pulling up)

Go the f*ck... Hey, Trent.

Home.

W-What is happening?

Who are these people?

Just go inside.

I'll explain later.

Are you okay?

(sighing)

A little help, man.

- Okay, okay.

- Little help.

(grunting)

Go.

It's all right.

Go.

It's okay.

Go.

Carl, no! Don't go!

Just...

Carl, I need your help!

What the f*ck?

- (breathing heavily)

- (whimpering and crying)

Oh, God.

JT: Well, you missed

one Hell of an evening.

Ted: Do something!

It was almost too much to bear.

Ted: Do something!

(whimpering and crying)

All right, I guess

I'll just, uh...

(sighing)

Mom's gonna be pissed.

(grunting)

Oh, shit.

Carl, could you help Rufus?

What happened?

Stan whacked him.

On it.

Trent: Oh, my God.

What the hell happened?

Carl will fill you in.

But do you need me

to call the police?

No, no, no.

I'll see you in a minute.

(grunting)

Oh, boy, Rufus.

Ah, man.

Hey.

Hey.

Trent.

Carl.

(JT grunting)

(sighing)



(footsteps approaching)

Granna:

I remember that.

Yeah.

Found it in the attic.



(sighing)

How we doin'?

(chuckling)

Well, Granna, I'm...

I'm doin' a little rough.

Yeah?

What's got you down?

(sighing)

A lotta things, I guess, Granna.

Is it your knee?

A little.

Well, we'll fix it again

if we have to.

Okay.

I, uh...

I think I'm unfair to you,

Jasper.

Oh, no, Granna.

You're not.

Yeah, I am.

It's just, uh...

How do I explain it?

You see,

when your grandpop died,

everything got so quiet.

And I began to think

that people forget about me.

And I guess I hound you with it.

Oh, Granna, it's...

(sighing)

I just...

Um, is this...

Is this what you were

getting at earlier?

Shady Acres?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Granna, just... It's okay.

I just... You could stay.

Yeah, but now I don't know

if it's good for me to stay.

Really?

It's just...

It gets hard here.

But... But Granna, this is...

this is your home.

No, baby.

Not for quite a while.

The only time

it feels like it...

is when you're here.

Really?

Mm-hm.

But, oh...

(laughing)

oh, goodness.

You can't even fix a sink

without hurtin' yourself and...

And callin' for help.

What's a granna supposed to do?



Yep.

(Rufus barking)

Rufus!

What about him?

(Rufus barking)

Granna: Oh!

(laughing)

There's my good boy.

- Carl: Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger.

- Oh.

- Mm?

- Trent: Mrs. T.

Well, Trent,

when did you get in?

Oh, just a couple minutes ago.

- (laughing)

- Oh.

Well, you gotta stop

bein' a stranger.

We miss you around here.

(whispering)

What happened?

Hm?

Oh!

Uh, well, you had some

military-grade superglue

for some reason,

so, I glued his gash shut.

He just got knocked out.

He'll be fine, I think.

Superglue?

I mean, I'm not a vet, but yeah.

Dogs get knocked out,

and just like humans,

you glue that shit

back together.

Uh, are we all ready for rummy?

Why the hell not?

'Scuse me?

Who are you?

I, um...

Granna.

This is... Pam.

Came with, uh, with Trent.

So, why does Pam have the bear?

Uh, just wanted to show off

your great work.

It's nice.

- Granna: Hm.

- Good job.

(laughing)

Are you stayin' for cards?

- Oh, um...

- Yeah?

Cards?

Okay.

Well, all right.

Come on, now.

- (laughing)

- (wincing)

Granna: Yes.

(laughing)

Uh, can you, uh, fill me in?

(wincing)

I will while you drive me

to the hospital in the morning.

You know, we could go,

like, now?

Nah, nah, nah.

Wait 'til

the front yard clears up

and Granna goes to bed.

Okay.

Shmear?

Shmear.

(grunting)

How are you still alive?

I think the fourth concussion

offset the first three.

Pam.

- Jasper.

- Really?

Company.

- Yeah...

- (Rufus whining)

Oh, hey, buddy.

Wow.

- Okay, this is...

- (tooth clattering on table)

- Okay.

- Wow.

I'll deal.

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman,

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman

Sunset Superman,

Superman

Oh-oh-oh

Sunset Superman

Sunset

Superman

Sunset Superman
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