Ruffles straight from the shirt,
the way nature intended.
[ALL AGREEING]
- Where's the onion dip?
- In the auxiliary condiment shirt.
Rogu, cream boy.
I want to be cream boy!
Then you should've shown up for tryouts.
Now, hush, Greg's on.
Tonight, we look at blue zones,
the areas where people's
healthy lifestyles
help them live longer than
anywhere else on Earth.
Look at these gorgeous geezers.
[SHUSHES] I'm watching the Jason
Statham movie, Crank, on my phone.
What? Me, too!
- Statham's character, Chev Chelios...
- Chev Chelios.
...is getting road head
to keep his adrenaline up,
so he doesn't die.
I pretty much just watch this
one scene over and over again.
I call it the "Erectus-cut."
Quiet, fish!
Blue zones include Sardinia,
Italy, Ikaria, Greece
and, of course,
Langley Falls, Virginia...
Really?
...is the complete
opposite of a blue zone.
Ared zone, a place where
you'll likely die at a young age.
[GASPS]
- My Crank!
- We're all gonna
die soon, unless we live
like in one of these blue zones.
Francine, blue zones are for two things.
The Blue Man and his group.
Plus, I'm healthy as Babe the Blue Ox.
[GROANING]
Now let's race upstairs for a
very healthy roll in the hay.
Last one there is a rotten...
[PANTING]
Put the Bose headphones on, kids.
Francine, we'll have to do it here.
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Please just try some
Mediterranean food, Stan.
This is how they
eat in blue zones.
There are too many colors on
my plate, Francine! It's blinding!
Those are vegetables.
I knew it! Health food!
It's delicious,
and it'll help us live longer.
Don't you wanna be around to do
all that stuff on your bucket list?
Go on safari,
see Ringo Starr & His All-Starr
Band, learn to play the bass?
I gave up on that years ago.
Remember when I spent the
whole weekend learning the bass,
no matter how much I practiced, I
still couldn't play like Flea by Monday.
So no more wasting time, Francine.
Now I spend every day
living life to the fullest.
Yeah, you do! Let's watch Crank!
Start it up, my friend.
Sorry, but life's too short
to spend it trying to live longer.
These taste incredible today!
Because I replaced them
with pita chips and baba ghanoush.
You tricked me! But baba ghanoush
is a hilarious name,
and the taste doesn't lag far behind.
Now, what's this?
[MOANING APPRECIATIVELY]
A falafel.
I guess maybe I could give
the Mediterranean diet a try.
You did a real 180 on
this Mediterranean stuff, Dad.
That falafel really changed my life.
I can't believe you're allowed
to just walk to the grocery store!
I didn't even
realize we were exercising.
Not only was the fishmonger a
type of man and not a type of monster,
he had whatever this thing is.
This lifestyle makes us social.
Which is why
tonight we dine alfresco!
This is living. And this is
saganaki. Flaming Greek cheese!
Opa!
Stan. Who are those guys over there?
Along with tons of olive oil,
I imported these Mediterranean men
to make our social bonds authentic.
This one is my favorite.
Meet my best friend and mentor, Petros.
[SPEAKING GREEK]
Oh, Petros, your babbling is
filled with such Greek wisdom.
Opa!
[PANICKING]
What's this bullshit?
It's called "bocce."
It takes an entire lifetime to master.
We have wasted our lives.
Let's go have a warm beer
in a tiny little glass.
I love you.
I wonder if I need to buy
Petros a new little Greek vest?
Later, Stan, now let's go do
what married couples do best.
[FRANCINE] Oh, Stan!
[STAN] O-pa!
Wow, if we keep this lifestyle going,
I really think we could be
adding years to our lives.
It feels like we've been given
all this extra time to do...
My bucket list.
Excuse the post coitus interruptus.
I have to call our lawyer.
Rudy, I need to update
and expand my bucket list.
How many witnesses do I need?
None. It's not a legal document.
Whatever you say, Rudy.
You're the family lawyer.
Just write this down.
Meet Jason Statham.
See Ringo Starr's All-Starr Band.
Join Ringo Starr's All-Starr Band.
Replace Ringo in
Ringo Stan's All-Stan Band.
Breakfast saganaki?
Opa it for me, would you?
I have to find Petros, tell him
about my new bucket list. Petros!
Petros, my soul mate!
There he is,
looks like someone partied too hard.
You know what that means?
This is gonna be good.
Time to wake up, Petros.
Oh, my God, Petros is dead.
No-pa!
_
How could someone this
young die of natural causes?
He was 96!
But he lived the most
Mediterranean lifestyle ever.
My bucket list is huge. 96 years
will barely scratch the surface.
We're doing what we can
to live longer, Stan,
but no one lives forever.
♪ Wrong! ♪
I will go beyond the
Mediterranean lifestyle.
I will find a way to live forever.
I will defy death!
[GROANS]
Oh, Petros,
will your death ever stop hurting?
"Run a marathon, try a**l,
open a failing gastropub,
get Gordon Ramsay to visit,
then trap him in the freezer."
Truly, a bucket list to not die for.
Kalamata olive, Stan?
You know I'm trying to live forever
and you offer me the very
things that k*lled Petros?
Now be gone, ye harbinger of death.
Oh, I guess now we aren't
saying goodbye. Real nice.
Okay. Like a modern day wizard, I delve
into strange and arcane alchemies,
in search of eternal life.
_
_
Bullseye! Targeted ad.
This is why I always share my data.
Ow! Roger, what was that?
Your free injection of peptides.
I'm told there are articles about
studies that claim it de-ages you.
Dr. Lee Vorever, bio hacker.
Bio hacking is using high tech science on
your body to stop aging in it's tracks.
Just another injection, not free.
And this stuff is legit?
Of course. Why else would insane
Silicon Valley people do it?
Stan, may I show you
a picture of a shark?
All right. Just this once.
The Greenland shark,
the longest living vertebrate on Earth,
five hundo years old.
Five hundo?
But that's 500!
Scientists are researching their
secrets to find a way to live forever.
We need to keep you from aging,
so you're alive
when the live forever tech is invented.
Then I can do my whole bucket list.
You can do it twice.
You'll be alive forever.
You'll see the continents
form back into Pangea.
The rise of the mutant roach men.
Sounds great!
But will it turn my life upside down?
No way. It works best if you
go about your normal life.
You'll notice me as much as you notice
the massive a**l vitamin blast
I gave you mere moments ago.
Why I didn't notice that at all.
Wait. Sorry. I'm all mixed up.
Didn't do this one yet.
Drop trou, bud.
Umby G!
Umby G is short for Umberto Granaglia,
the greatest bocce player of all time.
Don't need this in a longevity lab.
Longevity lab?
That's my room, my clothes!
My bed!
[JEFF SCREAMS]
My Jeff! What the hell?
What have you done to my bedroom?
I need somewhere to put my
high tech longevity lab.
What about your attic?
Be serious.
Where would I put all of Rogu's toys?
We're all making sacrifices, Hayley.
You don't hear Steve complaining.
Daddy needs my young blood.
[GROANS]
Send that sweet blood
to my fingies, Steve.
It's bass time.
[STEVE] Ow!
Hey, that's on my bucket list.
No multitasking.
It ages you like nobody's business.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- We need single-minded focus.
Dr. Weitzman,
any results for Stan's aging tests?
Stan's aging 30% slower!
It's working! Let's effing slow!
_
From now on, you only eat highly
nutritious sludge. Tube him.
_
_
Oh, 1:00 p.m. You know what that means.
- Lunch?
- Bedtime.
You need your 14 hours of sleep.
- Dog style.
- Doggy style?
Weitzman!
At least he sleeps normally.
Sorry, Franny. Forgot something.
- Ah!
- It's good for his REM cycle.
- What about my REM cycle?
- Oh, no, it's real bad for that.
[GROANS] I haven't slept in weeks.
We all want your dad to live longer,
but this bio hacking has got to stop.
Yeah, he missed me
winning the famous Roberto Benigni
Invitational Tournamentini.
You're all jealous you're
not his special blood bo...
Our life was so amazing.
The string lights,
the falafel, the saganaki.
The opas! That'll snap him out of it.
Sorry, Francine.
You can't come in the bubble.
The air in here is filtered to
Dr. Vorever's specifications.
But, Stan,
don't you remember the saganaki?
The o-pa?
The, opa?
The, o-pa.
A lot of Steve's blood is
rushing to my p*nis right now.
But no, I can't. It could age me.
Don't be silly, Stan.
Sex keeps you young.
It's totally natural.
[ROGER ON RADIO] Looking sexy, Stan.
Blood oxygen, optimal.
Sperm motility, on target.
Roger, are you watching us?
Not watching. Monitoring.
Right, just like that, Stan.
Heart rate a little high.
Easy. Faster. No, slower.
I forgot to tell you.
Under no circumstance, can you climax.
Slow down, you're getting too close.
Stan, stop! Abort!
What is he doing?
Weitzman! Pull him out!
[FRANCINE] Get out of here, Weitzman!
[STAN GROANING]
Dammit, Weitzman,
stop touching your face!
You're getting it in your eyes.
I thought I could pull
you back to reality,
but now, I just feel stupid!
I know it's been tough, but for me to
have a real chance to live forever...
Enough with this living
forever nonsense.
- You're acting like a lunatic!
- Says the harbinger of death.
Stop calling me the harbinger of death!
Harbinger of death says what?
Stop, all this fighting is aging
you faster than a wartime president.
It's critical we get you
away from all these stressors
and into an isolation tent.
We're almost at the finish line.
- The finish line, Francine.
- What finish line?
- What finish line?
- I've finally been invited
to hunt Greenland sharks in a
submersible off the coast of,
and this is weird, Texas.
We are this close to
unlocking eternal life.
Francine, look how close
together his fingers are.
I'm betting that if primo wife sex
couldn't bring Stan back to his senses,
the only thing that can is the
taste of his other true love.
Falafel.
But how do we get it in his mouth?
Glory hole.
Roger always hides a secret
glory hole in anything he builds.
But it won't be easy to find.
- There it is!
- _
Sweet souvlaki! I could bocce it
through the hole into his mouth.
Umberto Granaglia, guide my hand!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Right in the kisser.
[GAGS] What was that?
Oh, no! It shot down his throat!
He didn't even taste it.
Weird. An insulin spike
for some reason. I can fix that.
Now blood oxygen is dropping.
Now I've got low T?
Enough pussyfooting. Let's do this.
I'm gonna live forever!
[GROANING]
I was never here!
Stan, you pumped a lot of
horrible stuff into your body.
Good news, there's more health
data on you than any patient ever.
Bad news, all that data
shows you'll only live
for three more days.
Three day weekend, baby!
I only have three days left to live?
You can do it, Mr. S!
There must be some way to save him.
The only thing that could help
is a transfusion with your son,
but somehow he has almost no blood.
Uh, a medical mystery.
Where's Roger?
- Could he help?
- I don't think so. Look!
Dr. Vorever's submersible has
likely imploded in the ocean depths.
Experts say the accident
was probably caused
by a small circular
perforation in the hull.
[ALL] Glory hole.
I'll see you soon, Petros.
Wait, what if this is a Crank situation?
What?
Raising my adrenaline
could let me live longer.
It's worth a shot.
Quick, Stan, parkour out the
window and steal a motorcycle!
I think it's working!
[YELLS]
[FLATLINING]
That fall had you
unconscious for 48 hours.
You have one more day to live.
The Crank didn't work?
I tried and tried to get someone to give
you road head, but no one would do it.
How about we find some easy
things on your bucket list
we can do on your last day, Stan?
"Here's one, buy Wendy's spicy nuggets,
eat them in a McDonald's."
If there's no time to do all of it,
I don't want to do any of it.
I'll spend my last day
experimenting with different ways
to say, "Why me?"
[CRYING]
I just want him to at
least to die happy.
Wait.
What if there was a way
he could do all of it?
[STAN] Why me?
Why me?
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Jason Statham?
Hi, Stan, I heard you're dying.
Oh, my God, he knows who I am.
Not really, mate. Follow me.
Wha... What is this?
We're going to your bucketpalooza.
Bucketpalooza?
As in, an event where I get to do
everything on my bucket list today,
before I die?
Yes, Klaus is finishing setting
it all up at the Shark's Nest.
Here's your bucketpalooza map, Dad.
A safari, a bass master class.
- Oi!
- [BRAKES SCREECH]
Traffic jam,
like a bleeding car park it is.
Lorries, bonnets and boot,
as far as the eye can see.
Remind me again when you're dying.
According to the data,
I pass away at 8:00 tonight.
Ah, no rush then, it'll move.
What if we do some things on your
bucket list, right here in the car?
[GASPS] Are we on safari right now?
[PANTING]
[SIGHS]
Ooh! The Bellagio fountain show.
Should I give Statham road head?
That's not on my bucket list!
Maybe Klaus can put Ringo on FaceTime!
Stan, Ringo's here!
Giving Ringo the phone now.
Here comes Ringo.
It hung up?
No!
Ringo, my phone died!
We wasted my battery watching Crank.
I wouldn't call it a waste, love.
I'd never seen the Erector's Cut.
Well, at least you got to
see Klaus one last time.
[SOBBING]
[WHIMPERING]
Chin up, mate.
At least you met me before you died.
Oh, Mr. Statham!
Please, call me, Chev Chelios.
I'm not crying because I didn't
get to do my bucket list.
It's because my family did so much
for me and I treated them so badly.
Look, I never wrote one thing on
this stupid list about my family.
Why don't we change that,
using this "Chaos Pen"
Sly Stallone gave me?
Worth 60K.
In fact, you can keep it,
I'll get it back when you die.
Cancel the bucketpalooza.
I can finish my new
bucket list right here.
_
- [ALL] Aw!
- [JASON] Oi.
Look, we're moving again.
I wonder what caused all that traffic.
Roger? Chev Chelios, pull over!
Stan, it's the most amazing story.
After the sub imploded,
I was saved by a Greenland shark.
It almost felt bad to turn around
and imprison him immediately,
but it was for money.
I'm sorry I can't muster more
excitement for your story.
It's just that I'm dying in two hours.
[GASPS]
You ain't dying, Stan.
That's Greenland shark juice.
I distilled its life extending power.
Who wants to live forever?
- Me!
- Me too!
[ALL YELLING] Me!
- Hang on. I wanna watch!
- Me too!
[ALL YELLING]
Greenland shark?
I don't know what to tell you, Stan.
Somehow,
you're suddenly as healthy as a...
Greenland shark?
What? No, as healthy as someone
who just met Jason Statham.
I'm confident you're going
to live a long, long, long...
_
[ROGER] Stan?
Stan, is that you? Wow, you're still
alive! That's shark juice for ya!
New Pangea.
How you liking it? Mutant roach
men are kind of a b*tch, huh?
I miss my family.
Yeah. On the bright side,
that roach man kind of looks like Steve.
[SNARLING]
Huh. Yeah, a little bit.
You ever get
around to learning bass?
Uh, does this
answer your question?
[PLAYING BASS LICK]
[♪ JAZZ PLAYING]
Have a great night!
19x15 - Get Him to the Greek Life Style
Watch or Buy on Amazon Merchandise
Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.
Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.