01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Six grand. Friday. Alison,
what were you doing in that van?

I'm calling the police.
Don't you dare! You're fired.

I need to speak to a grown-up.
No, they're busy, fart-knocker.

I think there's someone
in your garden.

I'd watch your back an' all
if I were you. Ah!

Hello?

Oh, please don't hurt me!

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Martin Parker.
Parker's Electricals. Thank you.

Where am I? Oi! Liam!

What have I told you lot
about bringing your work home?

I am not a B

You are taking the piss.

Well, I tell you now -
he needs to be gone before 11.

Our Sinead's bringing the baby over
to watch Knots Landing.

And he needs shifted
into the front room.

f*ck's sake, son. Me and Martin
don't want to sit here

with your knackers on show.

Bloody hell, Mam. Why have you
taken his hood off?

He's not supposed
to see where we live.

Well, it's too late now, and...

he's had a good look at me.
Yes, I saw you.

The face is up here, sweetheart.

We'll have a brew.

Won't we, Martin?
Yes, please.

And have you checked his pockets?
He could be carrying.

I'm not carrying anything.
Wait, carrying what?

Hey, hey!

That's my skin. That's just
me chequebook and...

Oh, no, no.

Martin, what have we got here, then?

Oi, what are you doing?

It was empty. Look, you can't
keep me here for ever!

My family will be worried!

Blue Monday by New Order

♪ How does it feel

♪ To treat me like you do? ♪

Sisters.

♪ When you've laid your hands
upon me... ♪

You lying

piece of

sh*t!

Who played the character
Lukewarm in Porridge?

That's B, Christopher Biggins, love.

No, B.

Has he asked if you want breakfast?
Do I look like a Little Chef?

I'll sort you out, love.
Don't feed him, Mam.

He's not having a sleepover.
He's been kidnapped.

I'll knock us up
a round of toasties.

I hear you've been getting
all cocky with our Ryan,

threatening not to pay up.

You don't call the sh*ts
round here, mate.

Me and my brothers do that.

If you don't pay,
you have to pay in other ways.

And he doesn't mean cheques.

What? Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, thank you.

No, I'm a married man.
Straight as a die.

And very much into women.

No, thank you. No, not gay stuff!

Oh, with her?
In your dreams!

Seven grand. Friday.

Seven? How come it's seven?
It was six yesterday.

We know you've got cash, Parker.
Nice big house.

And that is a dead posh school
your girl goes to.

You can do what you like to me,
but stay away from my daughter.

I can't promise anything, mate.

I'd leave that a minute. Burn
the bastard mouth off you, them.

It's the beans. They're like lava.

People are suing.
It was on That's Life!

Oh... Look, tell him
I can pay the money back.

Please. I just need more time, eh?

Remember, God never closes a door
without opening a window. OK.

I can give you a bit more time
if you want.

Oh, that'd be great. Thanks.
Just need to do a little job.

What's that?
Different type of white goods, that.

dr*gs?! No, no. No way.
If you give it back now,

it'll still have your prints
all over it, mate.

Needs dropping off by tomorrow.

No. No, you've got
the wrong fella, mate.

This is not me.
I'm not into dr*gs.

In fact, I'm very anti dr*gs.

♪ Just say no! ♪

Ah, poor wee Zammo.

Hey... No, forget it.

I am not doing a drug drop.

People know me.
I'm a pillar in the community.

I've got a recognisable face.
That's your problem.

Grow a beard.
What, by tomorrow?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Diane. You can do this.
You can do this. Come on. Oh...

What are we doing? Ah!

Where are we?

What the hell? Have you been here
all the time?

Yeah. I didn't want to wake
Gladys last night.

It's very comfy, actually.
What is wrong with you?!

Oh! I feel like I've been dug up.

You do look a bit rough, bless.

Maybe you're coming down
with summat, Di.

I think it might have something
to do with the amount of alcohol

we had last night. Yeah.
Might be that pill off Bev.

Why? What was in it?
I don't know.

Well, I feel absolutely terrible.

This doesn't feel like
a normal hangover.

What a night, though, eh?
What a night! Right laugh.

I've not had a night like that
for... ever.

Well, I had fun.
Yes, I saw. Everyone saw.

I tell you what,
that man was all over me

like a pigeon on a chip.
Man? He was barely legal, Kath.

Feeling a little bit tender now,
though, if I'm honest with you.

He's mauled you!
You know what they say.

Best way to get over a man is...
get under another one.

Classy.

What are you doing? Just get...

Oh, Kath, please!
Can you just wait, please?

I'm sorry.
Feet off the seats, please!

What are we doing back here, anyway?

Turns out this is
Martin's accountant's place.

Oh, aye. What's her name?

Alan. Alan?

Called me this morning.
Said he's got something for me.

Hmm. Has he now?
I don't know what it is.

He was in a phone box,
and the pips were going.

Desperate to see me. Oh?

Maybe he can shed some light
on all this funny business.

I'll come in with you.
I don't think so. Come on.

Let me help you.

I tell you, I could flirt with him,
get the info.

Is he single? Yes, he is. Oh, but
that's not your usual type, is it?

I'll give it a bash.

See where we get.

I'll have him.

You're going to have to get out, mate.

Can I borrow 40p for the bus?

See if Diane's got anything.

Cheers.
Get yourself a drink or summat.

Oh...

Yes. Let's do this.

You got any mints?

Got your Racing Post,
bag of bonbons

and there's a little something else
in there for you. Know what I mean?

Well, if it's grapes,
I hope they're soft,

cos I've not brought me teeth.

What the bloody hell is that for?
Revenge.

He'll be sh1tting teeth
by the time we've finished with him.

Are you going to do it?

I didn't know that...
you two knew about each other.

You must be Kath.
Who wants to know?

This is nice.

Thank you.
St Michael's, but...M

Oh. Sexy.

Do you know who'd look good
wearing that? Who?

The floor.

My bedroom floor.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I messed up...

I don't know what I'm saying.
Did anyone follow you here?

No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
Are you going away?

Look... I'm going to stay
with some friends of mine.

Edwin and Andrew. They run
a guesthouse in Brighton.

Oh, nice. The Purple Pickle.
Cut the crap, Alan.

Why are we here? Mrs Parker,
you are both getting screwed.

Er, no. No, thank you. We're not
into any of that sister sh*t.

We're only just back
on speaking terms.

No, no, I'm... I'm just the numbers
man. And I wanted to tell you

you've both been named as
shareholders on the business.

It's a classic tax dodge.
Can I stop you there, Alan?

What star sign are you? Virgo?

Kath, please. Sorry, Alan.

What does that actually mean?

Well, it means that if you two
put your shares together,

you'd have a majority over him.
Yeah? You could force him out.

Out of what?
Out of the business.

You'd have a majority share.
You'd own Parker's outright.

Both of you.

For years,
he's treated me like dirt.

Spoke to me like I was nothing.

Now I'll never let anyone
speak to me like that.

I've been completely loyal to him,

and he's just thrown it all back
in my face. He's a narcissist.

It's time that man
got his comeuppance.

It's a bit dramatic.

Ladies, if we work together,
we can ruin him.

The business is his baby.

If we take it off him,
he's got nothing.

It's a good business, too.
He's just made poor decisions.

You two, you could make it
great again.

And what do you
get out of this, Alan?

Nothing, apart from complete
and utter enjoyment

at witnessing his downfall.

Wouldn't you like that, too? After
everything he's done to you,

I mean, you must be livid.

Go to his office and get
that shareholder agreement.

Filing cabinet, top drawer,
blue folder.

You will need that
for proof for the bank.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Why is it called
the Purple Pickle?

I did warn you.
Told you they were hot.

Stick your tongue
under the cold tap

and don't go making a mess
in there. I've just Jiffed.

Bastard.

Mirror In The Bathroom
by The Beat

♪ Mirror in the bathroom,
please talk free

♪ The door is locked,
just you and me

♪ Can I take you
to a restaurant... ♪

Oh, you forgot
the other boot, you w*nk*r.

Come on, Parker.
What are you playing at?

What is Kilroy up to in there?

Better not be taking a dump.
Dragged up.

♪ Just 1,000 reflections of my own
sweet self, self, self... ♪

Bus stop.

Yeah. You forget about buses,
don't you?

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Little vandals!

Oh!

Sorry, love. Bit of a rush.

Where to? Er, town, please.


No... I don't suppose
you'd take a cheque? 40p cash,

or 95 for a Day Saver.
Look, this is very embarrassing.

You probably recognise my face
from the telly?

Martin Parker.
Parker's Electricals.

"Top deal. What an offer!"

Eh? No. Well,
if you bring me into town,

you can have whatever electrical
device you want under 20 quid.

SodaStream for the kiddies,
kettle for the Mrs.

Two. What?

Two SodaStreams,
you got yourself a deal.

Don't worry, love. I'll pay for him.
Ha-ha! For a Walkman.

What?! Here y'are, mate.
I'll do it for one SodaStream.

Yeah. All right, all right. You can
all have whatever you want. Just go!

♪ Mirror in the bathroom... ♪

♪ Mirror in the bathroom... ♪

You're bloody tapped, you.
What the hell are you thinking?

We need him gone. He's poison.

If you don't do something,
he'll never stop. You know that.

So you want me to k*ll the man?

No. Just scare him off.

With a blunt bread knife?
They'll lock me up.

So they'll throw you
in Strangeways. I can visit.

You get three meals a day.
And they've just had a new roof.

Bloody hell, Gladys. I'm on pills
here for blood pressure.

This'll see me off, never mind him.
Well, if you won't do it, I will.

We need to do this for Kath.
And Diane.

If you like.

Do you mind dropping me off? I'm
still in last night's knickers,

and I've got a demi wave at two. Fine.

He's a bit intense, that Alan,
in't he? Typical Virgo.

Did you know about this? What?

Did you know that he put your name
down on the business, too?

Did I hell?
Martin never talks to me about work.

I'm not interested. You've seen
one toaster, you've seen 'em all.

Well, why did he put your name down,
then? I don't know. Tax stuff.

That's what Alan said. And I was
just starting to feel sorry for you.

Honest, Di. I didn't have a clue.

You do realise you are stealing
my kids' inheritance?

No. No, I'm not. I promise you.

Look, I'll prove it. I can get
Martin to give me the document.

I've got my ways. Trust me.

What have you come as?

Where have you been? Cobbler's.

Dropped me boot off on the way in,
getting re-heeled. Weird.

Julie... Julie!

What the hell's this doing here?
Oh, some lad dropped it off.

Cocky little sh*t.
Didn't look like a cobbler.

Brought his bike into t'shop
and were doing bunny hops

near t'chest freezers.
You've only just missed him.

Anyway, he said you'd know
what it were.

So I just need to check up
on a few things... Lee.

I don't normally involve myself
in this side of things.

Martin, my husband,
normally does the money.

Never get married, Lee!
I'm engaged.

Trust me. Walk away now.
She's six months pregnant. Twins.

She's massive. Congratulations.

So, just out of curiosity, it's just
like a little fun exercise,

if one was to leave one's husband,
what would happen?

I'm not really qualified
to talk about that kind of thing.

Mmm. I've only been here eight
months. I'm usually on the counter.

Oh. Not really enjoying it,
if I'm honest. Not sure it's for me.

Yeah. No, I just meant,
you know, hypothetically,

in a financial kind of way.

I mean, I'm not going to leave
him, obviously, but if I did,

it's just good to know...
I get it. Say no more.

One of them, is he?
Let's have a butcher's.

So, your accounts
have looked better. What's that?

You've remortgaged the house.
I beg your pardon?

Several missed payments on loans.
That isn't good. I do know that.

Loans? No, dear God, no.
We don't have any loans.

It's all there, all that red,
the whole screen, really.

Can you check again? I think
you've got the wrong details.

No, it's Parker. Parker.
P for prick. A for arsehole.

Sorry... Can you just...? Can
you just check again, please?

It's all there. It's not good.
I'm flushing.

Can you tell me how much money
I do have, Lee?

Can you at least tell me that, please?

Come on. You're on.
We're cycling to Paris for Pudsey.

What? It's my turn.
Best of luck with it. Right...

Hi, Mrs Parker.
It's me Dave. Dave Jackson.

You go to aqua aerobics
with me mum. Winnie Jackson?

Oh, Winnie. Yes, Winnie.
Yes. Lovely, lovely Winnie.

So... How nice. You wait
till I tell her I served you.

She's going to be proper made up.

Right, then...
What are we looking at here?

We've made it to Kent!
Oh, brilliant.

Pam?

Pam, t'monitor's on t'blink again.
Huh?

What have I told you about knocking?

And just for t'record,
that's one of my teabags from home.

Oh, and guess
who was in t'shop earlier.

That Rita Pelly.

Worked here in t' summer. Minger.

Well... she's come into some money.
How much money? Shitload.

What did you say her name was again?
Rita. You sacked her.

Oh, bollocks.
Walking around like that.

Like she's royalty or summat.

Bragging cos she's got
satellite telly.

Still got a face
like a bulldog licking its...

Thank you, Julie.

Have you phoned Diane

to remind her about dinner
at Sandy's tonight?

Yeah, it's on my list.

Oh, what's up with that kettle?

Broke. I'm sending it back.

Speaking of kettles... tea?

Hmm.

OK.
But I'm re-using the same bag.

Is Martin around?

Thank you.

There you go.

Hi, mate, just nipping up.
Oh, sorry, Kath. Not today.

He said no visitors. He'll go
mad if I let anyone up.

He's in a right old grump.

Oh. I think he's been out on the
sauce. Came in with one shoe on.

Some lad on a bike
delivered t'other.

But, hey, nowt to do with me.

Right.

You look pretty.

Have you changed your hair?

I'm just growing it out
for t'wedding.

Have you booked
your hairdresser for the big day?

Do you think I need one?
It'd be a nice treat.

Yeah. I can do your hair
for you if you want.

Would you?
I can do any style.

I can do curls, chignons...

and blue rinse.

Maybe just a bit of backcombing?

I'm just going to nip up
to the office to use the phone.

I'm going to need to order
some more lacquer.

Oh, for f*ck...

Now is not a good time, Kath.

I don't give a frig if you think
it's a good time, Martin.

Go home, Kath.

Please, just go home.

I don't have a home, remember?

I'm top-and-tailing
with an 80-year-old.

And believe you me, it's no fun
waking up next to them trotters.

Did you get my fax?

And?

What are you doing?

It's sexy time, Martin.

Body Talk by Imagination

Ooh.

No, Kath, don't do this to me!

No, Kath.

Yes, Martin.

It's our song.

♪ Morning, afternoon and night

♪ We lay together side by side

♪ Searchin' for lust
Searchin' for breath

♪ Searchin' for the touch of life

♪ No words are spoken

♪ The only sound we hear is

♪ Body talk

♪ Body talk

♪ The heat of passion
is such a beautiful thing

♪ As it overflows
Pleasure grows... ♪

All right, Diane?
How's it going?

Martin said to remind you about
some dinner thing tonight

at Sandy Cooper's.

Taxi is booked for half six.

Yeah, hang on.

I think I need to put that.
Yeah. I'm booking a taxi

for half six. Have a nice time.

♪ ..Body talk

♪ Body talk

♪ Body talk... ♪

Um, I'm going to t'pictures.

I'm off to see RoboCop two.

I've not even seen
the first one.

Thank you.

I miss this.

I miss us.

I've ballsed up.

Yeah. Big style.

I'm in deep sh*t.

It's endless, Kath.

The sh*t is never-ending.

I'm in never-ending deep sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

I've been stupid.

Really stupid.

Got involved with
a bunch of dodgy people.

I borrowed a bit of money,
you know,

to keep the wolf from the door.
And now they want it back.

And they keep wanting
more and more.

I'm getting it together.

I'm just under
a grand and a half shy.

But... if I don't...

Oh, bloody hell.

Who? Who are they?

The Slater brothers.

I did it for us.

For me and you.

You do silly things
when you're in love, don't you?

Well, tell me about it.
I once had a pixie cut

cos you said you had
a thing for Twiggy.

That did nothing for you, that.

It's breaking my heart
seeing you like this, Martin.

Now, I don't have much,

but you can have whatever
I can get my hands on.

I get paid tomorrow.

You can have that.
You can have it all.

Although I do owe Gladys
for, like, sugar and stuff.

I need to pay that.

And a couple of quid
for the catalogue.

You don't have to do that.

Oh, and I sponsored
Betty's grandson.

He's just walked up Scafell Pike

dressed as Miss Piggy
for Ethiopians.

But after that, you can
have all of it. All of it.

Nobody's going to hurt you, Martin.

We'll sort this.

I don't deserve you.

Would you like my lucky pebble?

Nah.

Oh...

I love you, Kath Pennington.

Oh, Martin... Right.

Ooh!

Sisters.

We've got each other now.

What are you doing?

Go on.
You've distracted me enough.

Oh, Gladys...

Ballsed up again.

I'm sure he's got
some kind of voodoo over me.

It's like
an out-of-body experience.

I just can't stop myself.

What's that? It's a kettle.

Yours is bust.

Oh, God.
Diane's going to go ape.

Went in there all, like,
strong and stuff,

and before you know it,
bra's off, knickers down.

That'll be the fax.

I'm telling you, men can't
resist a good pair of tits,

even in black and white.

Oh, God.
What is wrong with me?

Bloody hell, Kath.
Do you never learn?

I take it you don't want
his kettle, then?

It's here now.

If a bloke ever got me a kettle,

I'd knock his bastard teeth
out wi' it.

I'm not that fussy.

Used to do it for an egg
in the w*r.

I would now, to be honest.

He won't notice.

Christ on a bike! Where is it?

Don't know why
you're making such a fuss.

It was on the side, Julie.
It was on the side!

Who's going to nick a bust kettle?

Who...

Klepto Kath! Should've known.

Oh, would now be a good time
to ask for next Monday off?

I've got a big christening due
on Sunday, and I don't want

to have to get up early
to call in sick.

Shall I take that as a yes?

He's told me everything. Everything.

And I can't tell you,
cos it's confidential.

But I can't tell you
that it's bad.

Mm.

I know he's a bastard and that.
He's a broken man.

What the bloody hell is this?

Is it a free gift?

Oh.

Happen they're mints.
No, they're not mints.

What does the note say?

"450 love doves"?

Is that an address?

I don't know.

No. No, it's not an address.

Ladies, we've only gone
and hit the f*cking jackpot.

Oh, what are you on about?

These bad boys
are ecstasy tablets.

There's a fair few grand worth
here, easy.

Hello!

I'll make a brew.

Did you get it?

Hiya. You look pretty.

You didn't get it, did you?

I went there. I did. But that
Julie wouldn't let me up.

She had to practically
wrestle me to the ground,

I was trying that hard
to get in. It's not my fault.

Oh, bollocks.

She's got massive hands.

What's he doing here?
Oh, sh*t.

He can't see us together.
Not... Not... Not yet.

Oh, sh*t.
What are we going to do?

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh

♪ Love is, love is

♪ Love is the drug... ♪