PART ONE (THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET)
Written by Robert Holmes
Original air date: 06th September, 1986
Run time: 24:57
Space Station
Trial room
Valeyard: At last, Doctor.
The Doctor: Am I late for something?
Valeyard: I was beginning to fear you had lost yourself. Sit down.
The Doctor: Well, even I would find it hard to lose myself in a corridor. Especially, when propelled by the mental energy of so many distinguished Time Lords.
Valeyard: Oh, I don't know. You seem to have a great talent for straying from the straight and narrow.
The Doctor: Would it be too much to ask what all this is about?
Inquisitor: The accused will remain silent until invited to speak.
The Doctor: The accused? Do you mean me?
Inquisitor: I call upon the Valeyard to open the case.
Valeyard: By order of the High Council, this is an impartial enquiry into the behaviour of the accused person, known as the Doctor, who is charged that he, on diverse occasions has been guilty of conduct unbecoming a Time Lord.
The Doctor: Not guilty!
Valeyard: He is also charged with, on diverse occasions, transgressing the First Law. It is my unpleasant task, Madam Inquisitor, to prove to the enquiry that the Doctor is an incorrigible meddler in the affairs of other peoples and planets.
Inquisitor: Yes. I see, Valeyard, that it is on record that the Doctor has faced trial already for offences of this nature.
Valeyard: That is so, my lady, and I shall contend that the High Council showed too great a leniency on that occasion.
Inquisitor: Very well. Doctor, you've heard the charges. Do you wish to say anything before the enquiry proceeds?
The Doctor: Only that this whole thing is a farce. I am Lord President of Gallifrey. You can't put me on trial.
Inquisitor: Doctor, since you willfully neglected the responsibility of your great office, you were deposed.
The Doctor: Oh. Is that legal?
Inquisitor: Perfectly. But we won't hold it against you. Quite the contrary in fact. And to see that your interests are fully protected, I propose to appoint a court defender to represent you.
The Doctor: Ah, oh, er, thank you, but no thank you. I have been through several such inquiries before. I think it would be easier if I speak for myself.
Inquisitor: The court notes the Doctor refuses the services of a court defender. Proceed, Valeyard.
Valeyard: Inquisitor, I am not proposing to waste the time of the court by dwelling in detail on the activities of the accused.
The Doctor: Good.
Valeyard: Instead, I intend to adumbrate two typical instances from separate epistopic interfaces of the spectrum. These examples of the criminal behaviour of the accused are fully recorded in the Matrix, the repository of all knowledge.
The Doctor: Objection.
Inquisitor: I hear the accused. What is this objection?
The Doctor: The Matrix does not contain all knowledge. It merely contains all Time Lord knowledge.
Inquisitor: It has long been accepted that the Matrix is the repository of all knowledge.
The Doctor: Well, that only shows the insular complacency of this society. How do you know that there isn't knowledge that you don't possess?
Inquisitor: All that is known is within the Matrix.
The Doctor: Oh, a micro-organism in a drop of water might think it knows the universe. All it knows is that drop of water.
Valeyard: I think this is merely a semantic point, my lady.
Inquisitor: I agree. I find the objection of the accused to be not valid. Please continue.
Valeyard: Thank you, my lady.
Valeyard: I should like to begin with the Doctor's involvement in the affairs of Ravalox, a planet within the Stellian galaxy.
Ravalox
Peri: Oh, great.
The Doctor: Hang on.
The Doctor: There.
Peri: Can't we come back some other time, like when it's not raining?
The Doctor: Oh, stop whinging.
Peri: I don't understand why you wanted to come here in the first place.
The Doctor: Then you should have listened more carefully.
Peri: Hey! Don't I get some?
The Doctor: Oh, sorry.
Trial room
Valeyard: I draw your attention, my lady, to the admission of the accused that he obtained access to confidential material from Gallifrey. A file privy only to members of the High Council.
Inquisitor: That is noted. Doctor, why did you go to Ravalox?
The Doctor: Simple scientific curiosity. I'm not so egotistic as to believe all knowledge is at my fingertips.
Inquisitor: Your crude sarcasm is also noted. I should warn you, Doctor, that your hostile attitude is not helpful.
The Doctor: I'm not here to help. And while you're making all those notes, do please note that I did not have access to confidential material. The fireball that destroyed Ravalox is documented in Extinct Civilisations by Warris Bossard.
Orderly: This is true, my lady.
Inquisitor: I see. I find the point that the Doctor gained access to confidential material to be not proven, unless you have further evidence, Valeyard.
Valeyard: It is not of great importance, my lady.
Inquisitor: Continue.
Valeyard: Most certainly.
Ravalox
Peri: I don't think I like Ravalox very much. It reminds me of a wet November back on Earth.
The Doctor: Now that's part of the reason why we're here.
Peri: Huh?
The Doctor: Well, Ravalox has the same mass, angle of tilt and period of rotation as Earth.
Peri: So?
The Doctor: Well I thought that was quite interesting. It's unusual to find two planets so similar. In fact, it's quite a phenomenon.
Peri: Oh, pity it couldn't be a dry one.
The Doctor: Ravalox also has the distinction of having been destroyed by a solar fireball.
Peri: It doesn't look very destroyed.
The Doctor: According to the records on Gallifrey, it was devastated by a solar fireball some five centuries ago. I think somebody exaggerated, don't you?
Peri: Hmm.
The Doctor: Hmm.
The Doctor: Ah, the exhilarating smell of a freshly laundered forest. Can't b*at it.
Peri: And the twittering of tiny birds and the rustling of small mammals as they forage for food in the undergrowth.
The Doctor: Exactly.
Peri: Then you've better hearing than me. There aren't any birds. Listen.
The Doctor: I wondered when you'd notice.
Peri: None of this makes any sense. Any soil left after the visitation of a fireball would be sterile.
The Doctor: Well done.
Peri: Don't patronise me Doctor. You knew from the start this amount of growth wasn't possible.
The Doctor: I also knew, that as a student of botany, you'd soon realise the truth without any prompting from me.
Peri: Maybe.
The Doctor: Yeah.
Peri: Is there any intelligent life here?
The Doctor: Apart from me, you mean? I don't know. Shall we find out?
Dibber: Well, they're not from round here, Mister Glitz.
Glitz: I know that, Dibber.
The Doctor: Ah ha! Look at this.
The Doctor: We are certainly not on this planet alone. Mmm hmm. Let's reconnoiter, shall we?
Glitz: You know, Dibber, I'm the product of a broken home.
Dibber: You have mentioned it on occasions, Mister Glitz.
Glitz: Which sort of unbalanced me. Made me selfish to the point where I cannot stand competition.
Dibber: Know the feeling only too well, Mister Glitz.
Glitz: Where as yours is a simple case of sociopathy, Dibber, my malaise is much more complex. A deep-rooted maladjustment, my psychiatrist said. Brought on by an infantile inability to come to terms with the more pertinent, concrete aspects of life.
Dibber: That sounds more like an insult than a diagnosis, Mister Glitz.
Glitz: You're right there, my lad. Mind you, I had just attempted to k*ll him. Oh, I do hate prison psychiatrists, don't you? I mean, they do nothing for you. I must have seen dozens of them, and I still hate competition. Especially when it poaches my territory. I'm going to enjoy this.
Glitz: Too late! Oh, I do hate it when people get lucky. It really offends my sensibilities.
Dibber: Shouldn't we go after them?
Glitz: How is it they know where to look? Tell me that, Dibber.
Dibber: I don't know. Maybe they've all copied the same map we did. Do you want me to go after them?
Glitz: Why? Do you want to help them?
Dibber: No, it's just that if we're after the same thing as us...
Glitz: Don't worry. They'll soon be dead. It's just that I wanted the personal pleasure of k*lling them myself.
Peri: Oh, here, Doctor, look.
The Doctor: Hmm?
The Doctor: The remains of a building.
Peri: And we're not going inside.
The Doctor: Of course not, we can't. We haven't found the entrance yet. This is the type of place where some early life forms might have survived. Come along.
Peri: I'm just not crazy about meeting any early life forms.
The Doctor: Hmm. Yeah.
Dibber: Well, if we've got competition, going to the village could be a valuable waste of time.
Glitz: That complex down there is still functional, which means the L3 robot is operational.
Dibber: I understand.
Glitz: To render the robot non-operational, we have to destroy the light converter which supplies its energy system.
Dibber: I know all that.
Glitz: Then why are you arguing with me? It's not my fault if a bunch of backward savages have turned a Magnum Mark Seven light converter into a totem pole.
Dibber: It's just that I think we should k*ll those two first.
Glitz: And meet the robot head on at full power? I don't think you have my full interests at heart, Dibber.
Dibber: If the robot doesn't k*ll them before we destroy his energy supply, well, they could be up and away with the goods before we've even got back from the village.
Glitz: I know that, Dibber. Now you understand why I hate competition. It spoils everything.
Dibber: I still think we should k*ll them.
Glitz: We will, Dibber, we will. When the time is right.
Peri: Doctor, I know this sounds crazy, but I have the weirdest feeling that I've been here before.
The Doctor: Yes, I often get that feeling. Of course, I usually have. In your case, it's not possible.
Peri: Well, possible or not, I want to get away from here.
The Doctor: You're absolutely right. We must find out what's going on here.
Peri: This place is spooky. It's like an overgrown fallout shelter.
The Doctor: Hmm. You're partly right. This must have been their last desperate attempt to escape the coming fireball.
Peri: Well, who lived on this planet?
The Doctor: Now that's something of a mystery. There's strangely little about Ravalox in the records of Gallifrey. Obviously they were a fairly advanced species. Look.
The Doctor: Ah ha! That's it. You know, you can deduce an awful lot about a civilisation from its art.
Peri: What?
The Doctor: You know, I might stay here a couple of years and write a thesis about that. Come along.
The Doctor (O.C.): Peri?
Tunnel
Peri: I've scratched myself.
Underground station
The Doctor: Oh, you're young. You'll soon heal.
Peri: Thanks for the sympathy.
The Doctor: You know, I'm glad I decided to come here. I might stay here for a year or so and write a thesis. Ancient Life on Ravalox by Doctor...
Peri: Doctor, look! There's something here I think you should see.
Ravalox
Glitz: I heard it.
Dibber: Over here.
Glitz: Look at them, primitive screeves.
Dibber: Are they from the village?
Glitz: Must be.
Dibber: Well then, let's make it a few less we'll have to deal with.
Glitz: No. All we need is a gesture of strength. Show them they haven't got a chance.
Glitz: Amazing the affect a loud bang can have on the primitive mind.
Glitz: Come here, you ignorant, maggot ridden peasant. Somehow I always feel foolish saying this. Take me to your leader.
Underground station
The Doctor: Well, I suppose there is a billion to one chance there was a place called Marble Arch on Ravalox.
Peri: And they wrote in English?
The Doctor: Well, that's another billion to one chance. It does begin to seem a little unlikely, doesn't it?
Peri: Oh, Doctor, we're on Earth aren't we? I said it felt like Earth.
The Doctor: It's in the wrong part of space for it to be your planet. Besides, according to all the record books, this is Ravalox.
Peri: Well then, how do you explain this?
The Doctor: Well, they. I can't. Not yet. Unless of course, perhaps they collected railway stations.
Peri: That's ridiculous.
The Doctor: But not impossible, though. Not as impossible as the other explanation.
Peri: What's that?
The Doctor: Well, that somehow or other your planet and its entire constellation managed to shift itself a couple of light years across space, after which, for some reason, it became known as Ravalox.
Peri: Well, what time are we in?
The Doctor: Oh, a long time after your period.
The Doctor: Er, two billion years or more.
Peri: So what happened to London?
The Doctor: Wiped out, if this was London.
Peri: Doctor, I know it is. I can feel it.
The Doctor: Now, don't get emotional.
Peri: Don't get emotional. This cinder we're standing on is all that's left of my world. Everything I knew.
Trial room
The Doctor: Why do I have to sit here watching Peri getting upset, while two unsavoury adventurers bully a bunch of natives.
Valeyard: The reason will be made clear shortly, Doctor.
The Doctor: As a matter of interest, where is Peri?
Valeyard: Where you left her.
The Doctor: Where's that?
Valeyard: You don't remember? Obviously a side effect of being taken out of time. The amnesia should soon pass.
Inquisitor: Shall we continue?
The Doctor: Well, can't we just have the edited highlights?
Underground station
The Doctor: I know how you feel.
Peri: Do you?
The Doctor: Of course I do. You've been travelling with me long enough to know that none of this really matters. Not to you. Your world is safe.
Peri: This is still my world, whatever the period, and I care about it. And all you do is talk about it as though we're in a planetarium.
The Doctor: I'm sorry. But look at it this way. Planets come and go, stars perish. Matter disperses, coalesces, reforms into other patterns, other worlds. Nothing can be eternal.
Peri: I know what you mean, and I still want to get away from here.
The Doctor: Oh, I can't. There's a mystery here. Questions to which I must have an answer. Look, Peri. Peri.
The Doctor: Oh, hermetically sealed, leading down to a lower level. Now, some of the original inhabitants might have survived down there. You coming?
Peri: No. I've seen enough. I'll wait you at the entrance. Where they used to sell candy bars and newspapers.
The Doctor: All right, shan't be long. Don't go wandering off. Be careful.
Peri: Ow.
The Doctor: I said be careful.
Peri: Of what? The spooks and ghosts you're always telling me don't exist. Hey! You could have left me the umbrella! Oh, please yourself. I don't mind getting wet.
Village
Glitz: The light converter.
Dibber: Let me blast it, Mister Glitz, then we can get away from here.
Glitz: Oh, you'd look good with a back full of spears, Dibber. Use your head.
Glitz: Anyway, we've got company. Right royal company, by the looks of things.
Dibber: You'll never charm her.
Glitz: I have an uncanny knack with aging females, Dibber. One look into my eyes and they start to melt.
Marb Station
Computer: Water thief. Water thief. Protect your water.
The Doctor: Perhaps you could direct me to the stationmaster's house? Now please, gentlemen.
Drathro's castle
Merdeen (on screen): Yes, Immortal?
Drathro: Marb station shows one work unit over strength. Remove it!
Merdeen: Immediately, Immortal.
Control room
Merdeen: Call the Watch. Marb is a work unit over.
Grell: How?
Merdeen: I don't know, but the Immortal is never wrong, Grell.
Grell: I'll summon the watch.
Village
Katryca: So, you are outlanders. From where?
Glitz: A far off star, majesty.
Katryca: You have a spaceship?
Glitz: You know of such things?
Katryca: It is recorded in our folk memory. Before the fire, our ancestors travelled among the stars.
Glitz: Is that a fact?
Katryca: It is also recorded that such travel angered the gods, who punished us by sending the great fire which destroyed our planet.
Glitz: No, dear lady. It was much more secular than that. That attracted the fireball.
Katryca: That is our great totem to the Earth God Haldren.
Glitz: No, madam. That is a malfunctioning navigational beacon. It was that that attracted the fireball five hundred years ago, and I'm here to tell you that it is still malfunctioning today.
Katryca: How do you know this?
Glitz: It is my job to know. And if you don't have it dismantled, the fireball will return.
Katryca: What is your name?
Glitz: Sabalom Glitz.
Katryca: I am an old woman, Sabalom Glitz. You are not the first to visit my village from another world.
Glitz: Is that a fact?
Katryca: On each and every occasion, they have all wanted to dismantle the great totem.
Glitz: In that case, you understand the urgency...
Katryca: And on each and every occasion, they have all had a different reason.
Glitz: Let me assure you, my credentials are bona fide and completely in order.
Katryca: Ah yes, The g*ns. They all had similar credentials.
Glitz: That totem is a navigational hazard. It must be dismantled.
Katryca: You must think me a fool! You have come here for no other reason but to steal the symbol of our great god.
Glitz: And what would I want with some earth grubbing deity.
Katryca: I don't know. But before you die, I shall certainly find out.
Marb Station
Balazar: Where are you from, Old One?
The Doctor: Old One?
Balazar: What station did you disgrace with your miserable presence, water thief?
The Doctor: I may look old to you, whiskerless youth, but I'll have you know I'm in the prime of my life. I'm only nine hundred years old. Now untie me at once.
Balazar: You'll be untied as soon as we're ready for the stoning.
The Doctor: Stoning? Is this the way you welcome visitors?
Balazar: Water is life. Those who steal life must in their turn die. The Immortal commands it.
The Doctor: Oh, the Immortal. Who might that be?
Balazar: Come now, Old One. Feigning ignorance of the Immortal will not save you from death.
Village
Katryca: This is what I've been waiting for. Now, Immortal, I am ready for you.
Marb Station
Balazar: We shall soon be ready.
The Doctor: Oh, goody. Just who are you?
Balazar: I am Balazar, the reader of the books.
The Doctor: Oh. And what books are those?
Balazar: Ancient books, from the world before the fire. They contain much wisdom for those who can interpret their meaning. Here in Marb, we have three.
The Doctor: Three? Splendid. What are they called?
Balazar: The Books of Knowledge.
The Doctor: No, but each book must have a name, Balazar. It's usually written on the front.
Balazar: One of our books is called Mo By d*ck by Herman Melville. It tells of a great white water god, and contains many mystical passages.
The Doctor: Yes, I've read it. What are the other books?
Balazar: How can you have read it, Old One? The sacred books belong to Marb.
The Doctor: Will you stop calling me Old One? I am known as the Doctor. What else do you read?
Balazar: The Water Babies by Charles Kingsley, which tells of life long before the fire.
The Doctor: Sounds a rum sort of library to me. What's your third book?
Balazar: Most mysterious of all the sacred texts. UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose by HM Stationery Office.
The Doctor: Hmm. What do you call this place?
Balazar: Marb Station.
The Doctor: No, I mean your whole world, everything.
Balazar: We call it UK Habitat. Ah. It appears we're ready for the stoning now, Doctor. I have greatly enjoyed our felicitous discourse, but alas, the end is nigh.
The Doctor: You said you'd unchain me, Balazar.
Balazar: It is not advisable. I have taken an affection to you. It is best to die quickly.
The Doctor: Allow me to be the judge of that. Unchain me at once.
Hut
Dibber: They've got that woman we saw earlier.
Glitz: I can't understand it, Dibber. They're savages.
Dibber: Well, don't let it get you down.
Glitz: What went wrong? That old hag took our g*ns away from us just like that. How can we be their prisoners?
Dibber: I told you it was risky coming here.
Glitz: Yes, well, now you know what I mean about competition. It gets you nowhere.
Dibber: I told you we should have blasted them, Mister Glitz.
Glitz: Yes, Dibber, you've made your point. It's a pity you didn't anticipate they'd jump us with such ease.
Dibber: I did, but I didn't think you'd listen.
Marb Station
Balazar: I think it best that you stand over here.
The Doctor: Oh, why?
Balazar: Well in case some stray stone breaks the water jugs.
The Doctor: Oh, yes.
Balazar: People get very excited at these stonings.
The Doctor: I'm not excited.
Balazar: Ready?
The Doctor: Yes.
Balazar: Get set. Go!
Trial room
The Doctor: Oh! Why'd you stop it at the best bit? I was rather enjoying that.
Valeyard: I'm sure you were.
The Doctor: Clever, eh? That trick with the umbrella.
Valeyard: Most ingenious, my dear Doctor.
The Doctor: Oh, I always like to do the unexpected. Takes people by surprise.
Valeyard: Hear how the Doctor takes pride in his interference. Hear how he boasts. This is not the reaction of a responsible Time Lord.
Inquisitor: We are all aware of that, Valeyard. What is the point you are trying to make?
Valeyard: These proceedings started as a mere enquiry into the Doctor's activities. I'm suggesting now that it becomes a trial. And if he is found guilty, I strongly suggest the termination of his life!
`
The Doctor
COLIN BAKER
Peri
NICOLA BRYANT
The Valeyard
MICHAEL JAYSTON
The Inquisitor
LYNDA BELLINGHAM
Katryca
JOAN SIMS
Glitz
TONY SELBY
Dibber
GLEN MURPHY
Merdeen
TOM CHADBON
Drathro
ROGER BRIERLEY
Broken Tooth
DAVID RODIGAN
Balazar
ADAM BLACKWOOD
Grell
TIMOTHY WALKER
Humker
BILLY MCCOLL
Tandrell
SION TUDOR OWEN
Assistant Floor Manager
STEPHEN JEFFREY-POULTER
SALLY NEWMAN
Costumes
KEN TREW
Designer
JOHN ANDERSON
Incidental Music
DOMINIC GLYNN
Make-Up
DENISE BARON
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
JOY SINCLAIR
Production Associate
ANGELA SMITH
Script Editor
ERIC SAWARD
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Studio Lighting
MIKE JEFFERIES
Studio Sound
BRIAN CLARK
Theme Arrangement
DOMINIC GLYNN
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
MIKE KELT
COLIN BAKER
Peri
NICOLA BRYANT
The Valeyard
MICHAEL JAYSTON
The Inquisitor
LYNDA BELLINGHAM
Katryca
JOAN SIMS
Glitz
TONY SELBY
Dibber
GLEN MURPHY
Merdeen
TOM CHADBON
Drathro
ROGER BRIERLEY
Broken Tooth
DAVID RODIGAN
Balazar
ADAM BLACKWOOD
Grell
TIMOTHY WALKER
Humker
BILLY MCCOLL
Tandrell
SION TUDOR OWEN
Assistant Floor Manager
STEPHEN JEFFREY-POULTER
SALLY NEWMAN
Costumes
KEN TREW
Designer
JOHN ANDERSON
Incidental Music
DOMINIC GLYNN
Make-Up
DENISE BARON
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
JOY SINCLAIR
Production Associate
ANGELA SMITH
Script Editor
ERIC SAWARD
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Studio Lighting
MIKE JEFFERIES
Studio Sound
BRIAN CLARK
Theme Arrangement
DOMINIC GLYNN
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
MIKE KELT