Jingle Hell (2000)

Christmas & New Years movies collection.
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Christmas & New Years movies collection.
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Jingle Hell (2000)

Post by bunniefuu »

[upbeat music]

Peg: Seamus, the children
haven't seen the new house.

I want it clean.

Seamus Fitzgerald, you're
wearing white socks
with business shoes.

You look like an old man.

Seamus: I am an old
man, 65 years old.

Peg: You're 64.

Seamus: I'm in my 65th year.

I get senior citizen
prices at the movies,
the video store, Denny's

and Tuesday [unintelligible].

Peg: Now go change those socks
before the children get here.

Seamus: [sighs] Socks.

Peg: Dark ones.

Sean: I don't know.
I wish I could.

Yes, Exit 71 east.

We'll be here.

They'll be here in
about 20 minutes.

Jeanne: We can't
wait 20 minutes.

Sean: Well, we haven't
got a choice, have we?

Kate: I thought you said we were
picking up a car at the airport?

Scott: This is the airport.

Kate: No, the airport
is three miles away.

This is a deserted parking lot.

Scott: At least I
found us a car Kate.

It was either this
or an '81 Chevette.

Kate: Hey Scott, did the
Chevette have a stick shift?

Scott: Stick?

I'm going to do it Kate, just
you're making me nervous.

Kate: Okay, okay, okay. Clutch.

Scott: Would you take your hand
off the stick shift please?

Kate: Just, just, just -

Scott: I can do this. I'm a
grown up. [car screetching]

I'm a man okay?

Kate: Fine. Do it. We'll
just spend the night here.

Scott: Oh fine that's
very encouraging.

Kate: Look, just clutch and gas.

Scott: I know that.

Kate: Clutch. You're
tearing up the transmission.

Scott: Look, just leave me
alone and let me drive will you?

Peg: Seamus, hurry up.

Children should be here soon.

Mmm.

Jeanne: Mom says the new
house is very modern.

I wonder what it looks like.

Sean: Honey, Mom's
idea of modern is built
after the Civil w*r.

Jackie: You know the Michaels
went skiing this Christmas.

Can't we do that instead?

Jeanne: No, we can't.

[Unintelligible]
trip to the hospital.

Sean: They made me an offer.

Sarah: Dad, about Santa Claus.

Jackie: And I'm not
kissing Grandpa this year.

He's got bad breath.

Jeanne: Jackie stop it.

Jackie: But it's true.

I'm not kissing Grandpa.

Sean: It's Dr. Fitzgerald.
Can you page Dr. Ralph
with Pediatric Oncology?

Jeanne: I don't
care if it's true.

You kiss your grandfather
or you're in trouble.

Now settle down.

Sarah: Can we get a puppy?

Sean: I'm checking the
bloodwork on Elizabeth Westley.

Jeanne: Animals don't
fit in Santa's sleigh.

Peg: You're alone I see.

Did you call him like I said?

Meghan: Yes, Mom. I called
David and left a message
on his machine. Okay?

Peg: Don't worry. He'll
come. Nothing's so bad that
it can't be worked out.

Every marriage has
its little problems.

Brian: Has its little
problems. Leave her alone.

Hi sis.

Meghan: Hi.

Brian: Oh sh*t!

Peg: Brian, watch your mouth.

Meghan: Is Shannon coming
for Christmas this year?

Peg: No, but she sent us a
Christmas card from Seattle.

A new boyfriend, job
at a coffee shop.

Brian: Good God, is she going to
be the hornery teenager forever?

Peg: Brian she's
had a hard time.

Brian: Oh come on Mom.

You've given that kid
everything she ever wanted.

Meghan: Oh, saw your
Law and Order episode
last week. It was great.

Seamus: You made a
spectacular corpse.

Brian: Thanks Dad.

Seamus: Is it in the shed?

Peg: Did you say hello
to your daughter?

Seamus: Hello daughter.

Meghan: Now what's
that all about?

Peg: Oh! Here they are!

Meghan: What?

Peg: Oh! It's so
good to see you!

Sean: This place! Mom!

Meg!

Peg: Oh hi! My little angels!

Brian: Good to see you man.

Sean: How long
have you been here?

Brian: Too long.

Jeanne: Hey, the place
is so interesting.

Sean: Are you okay?

Really?

Meghan: Yeah.

[screaming]

Jeanne: How are you?

[everyone talking at once]

Seamus: It's not in the shed.

Sean: Hey Dad. What's going on?

Seamus: Women and holidays.
I'd rather be working.

Jackie: Hi Grandpa.

Seamus: Jackie!

Brian: I know. It's
called halitosis and
he was supposed to talk

to his doctor about it.

Peg: Sean, Jeanne come on.
I'll show you the house.

Brian, Seamus get the rest of
the bags and bring them inside.

Jeanne: How are you?

Meghan: Good, good.

Brian: Dad, you have cat breath.

Either it's something
serious or that corned
beef addiction of yours.

Seamus: Of all people
to be diagnosing me.

That corned beef was reviewed by
News Day's dining critic in '78.

He gave it four chef's hats.

Brian: Yadda, yadda, yadda. It
put Fitzgerald's Pub on the map,

but whoever heard of a phony
Irish bar serving good food?

Seamus: That phony Irish
bar allowed you to spend
seven years in drama school

so you could be a waiter
at Howard Johnson.

Besides the Irish
are great cooks.

Brian: Yeah? Name me
one great Irish chef.

Seamus: I said cooks, real food.

Not that namby pamby
crap they serve today.

Would you believe that
last week at the Knights
of Columbus luncheon

they served us a salad
with flowers in it?

Brian: You still haven't
named me one great Irish chef.

Seamus: Seamus and Peg
Fitzgerald. There's two.

Brian: When your family has been
in America for over a century

you don't count.

Seamus: I'm as
Irish as the next -

Brian: The next third
generation American.

Peg: Sean and Jeanne said the
living room is very modern.

Isn't that a nice thing to say?

Seamus: What a waste
of money that room was.

Jeanne: Four bedrooms?
Peg, why so big?

Peg: I intended to have room
for all the grandchildren

I was supposed to have.

Brian: One down three to go Mom.

Jeanne: I've already
made my contribution
to the grandchild fund.

Peg: Two children is
not a family Jeanne.

It's just a start,
and you're so young.

You have perfect hips
for child bearing dear.

Sean: We're happy
with just two Mom.

Besides I don't want to be
coaching baseball when I'm 60.

Peg: 60 my backside.

Seamus: Tony Randall fathered
children at 77 and 79.

Anthony Quinn was 80.

Peg: Well I had
Shannon when I was 42.

Sean: Exactly.

Peg: Sean, I don't
understand you.

First she doesn't take
your name and now you're
only having two children?

Sean: Mother!

Brian: Yeah, what kind
of man are you anyway.

You know, I expect
more from my brother.

Peg: Probably using birth
control too. God forgive them.

Jeanne: Why couldn't they retire
to Florida like normal people.

Jackie: This is a disaster.

Sean: Mom, you didn't?

Seamus: Indeed she did.

Peg: I have been saying
for years that all this
family does when we

get together is
watch sports on TV.

So I've done it.

The TV is gone.

This year we are going
to behave like a family.

Brian: You know we could
go to McGillicutty's
and watch the game.

Seamus: Ah she'd find us though.

She's like God almighty;
she knows everything.

Peg: Meghan, get me the milk.
I need it for the potatoes.

Jeanne: Peg, why don't you let
us buy you an electric mixer?

Peg: Nonsense, I
do it with love.

They taste better that way.

I saw that.

If you'd just watch me maybe
you'd hold on to David.

Jeanne: How late do you
think Kate is going to be?

Peg: Oh, you know
Kate she'll be along.

Besides this is just a
little something I've whipped
up at the last minute.

Sean: Oh mom you
threw that together?

Jeanne usually throws
together macaroni and cheese.

When I come home late
from the hospital and I
don't call to tell her

I'll be late, causing
the filet mignon she was
going to serve to become

overcooked and in a desparate
attempt to feed her family she

whips together a
little macaroni -

I'm just going to stop now.

Jeanne: Nice try.

Peg: Come on now Jeanne,
you can do better than that.

Only two children,
both of them in school.

It's time you started
cooking again.

Well, maybe you should
take lessons first.

Meghan: Uh, Mom,
Kate, how's she doing?

Seamus: I never thought
I'd live to see the
day a daughter of mine

worked for the Alliance of
Liberal Political Organization.

Brian: The Fitzgeralds have
produced a liberal democrat.

Who'd have thunk it?

Seamus: Kennedy was a great man,
democrats were a great party

until they nominated that peanut
farmer, whatever his name was.

I can't remember names anymore.

The one that told Playboy
about lust in his heart.

Sean: Jimmy Carter.

Dad, how do you know
what he said in Playboy?

Brian: Come on Dad.

Seamus: In the closet!
Is the TV in the closet?

Peg: So, Kate is bringing
home her latest boyfriend.

Oh, pardon me she says
her significant other.

Brian: For a feminist she sure
keeps company with a lot of men.

Peg: I know what you're
implying Brian Fitzgerald and
you will be civil in my home.

You left a bit of
skin on these dear.

She better not think that
she'll be sharing her
room with this boyfriend

under my roof.

Seamus: Not in the closet.

Peg: And he's also a
bigshot with the ACLU,
and he's divorced,

but we'll talk to Father
Michael about an anullment
if it comes to that.

But what's his name?

I keep getting all her
boyfriend's names confused.

[rustling paper]

Scott Flynn.

She's finally dating
a nice Catholic boy.

All together: Amen.

[humming]

Brian: This is unbelievable.

He's eating even more now.

Sean: Dad, your doctor wants
you to watch your cholesterol.

Seamus: I am watching.

I'm 65 years old and I'm damned
if I'll change the way I eat
at this stage in my life.

Peg: You're 64.

Seamus: You see a story on
the news about some such or
another that's good for you

and then the next day
they're telling you it
causes cancer of the whoseit.

Brian: And the whoseit
would be where?

Seamus: I'll eat what I will.

Brian: Mom, I can't
believe you're going to
let him eat like that.

He's going to have a heart
att*ck right here at the table.

Peg: Well it's not healthy
to be a vegetarian either.

Brian: Actually,
it's very healthy.

You see animals -

Seamus: Are delicious.
I love them.

Meghan: Sean, you do know
the Heimlich maneuver right?

[pager beeping]

Jeanne: You planned that.

Sean: I did not.

It's the hospital.

Seamus: I'm thinking
about planting a sycamore
out back, maybe a larch,

but I don't know if a
larch grows around here.

It's from someplace out west.

Sean: No, that's okay
Dan we were just fighting
our way through dinner.

Peg: You're father's taken
an interest in horticulture.

Sean: Really?

Could you stabilize her?

I'll be right there.

Jeanne: I know
you, you gotta go.

You going to be all right?

Sean: It's one of our patients
in trouble. Dan asked me -

Jeanne: That's not what I asked.

Sean: Bye honey.

Jackie: Bye.

Sean: Bye sweetie.

Sarah: I need to
talk to you Daddy.

Sean: We'll talk as soon
as I get home. Okay?

Peg: But Sean!

Seamus: It's the corporal
work of mercy Peg.

Leave the boy alone.

Peg: That would drive
me crazy Jeanne.

He's very thin.

He looks so tired.

Are you feeding him well or do
you still order out too often.

Jeanne: He's been
working very hard lately.

Katie: I saw Sean leaving. Did
you drive him crazy already Ma?

Oh! That tree is fake, it's
too small and it's leaning.

Peg: Not in the house.

Katie: Wait, I need a TV.

I gotta see something on CSPAN.

Scott: Ah, well Kate
wanted me to tell you that
I'm Scott, Scott Flynn.

Uh, hi. How are you doing?

Jeanne: Hi, I'm Jeanne.

Scott: Hi Jeanne.

Nice to meet you.

Seamus: Hi Scott.

Meghan: Meghan.

Scott: Pleasure.

Brian: Brian.

Scott: Brian, hi.

Peg: Peg.

Scott: Peg, nice
to meet you too.

Wow this is great.

Katie: Okay, I give up. Hi Dad.
What room's the TV in in here?

Oh, did a FedEx
package come for me?

Wait, there is only
one room in this house.

How can you stand it?

Scott: Kate, come on.

You don't have to watch
the Congressional Woman's
Caucus Hour every week.

Kate: Okay, I give up.

Where's the TV?

Peg: You've had three
FedExes since noon and
there's no TV in the house.

Katie: What? What
do you mean no TV?

How are we going to
spend the entire weekend
together with no TV?

Meghan: We're going to talk.

Seamus: Here you go son.

Scott: Thank you.

Seamus: Scott,
where are you from?

Scott: Oregon.

Seamus: Oregon? What's
the capital of Oregon?

Peg: What part of Ireland
do your relatives come from?

North or south?

Scott: Excuse me?

Katie: In her own perverted
way my mother's trying
to ask whether your

Catholic or Protestant.

Scott: Oh, actually my mother's
Jewish and my father's Catholic.

Well they decided they'd
let me pick what religion I
wanted to be when I grew up.

So, I decided to be an atheist.

Seamus: What about larch?
They got larch in Oregon?

Scott: Larch?

Brian: Gee, I wonder
what's on cable.

Scott: I'm a satellite
man myself, 300
channels, nothing on.

[laughing]

Katie: I only watch CSPAN.

Brian: Kate, grow a life.

Peg: Let's play Scruples.

Brian: We can't play
Scruples, they're lawyers.

Scott: Oh ho ho!

Seamus: I hate that game.
Your mother always wins.

Brian, did you bring your ears?

Brian: You mean my Walkman?

Seamus: Yeah, give
me your Walkman.

Seamus: I can certainly
listen to people talk
about my game if I can't

see it in all its
technicolor glory.

Peg: Everyone else in?

Everyone: Yes.

Katie: I'm always blue.
Politics and history.

Brian: Politics and history
is orange in this set,
and Agent Scully could

you possibly spend a
weekend without your cell
phone attached to your ear?

Katie: No and science is orange.

Brian: No, we're playing with
a different set of cards.

Politics and history is orange.

Katie: Fine. Read it.

Brian: Name the town in
Massachusetts which was
thrice att*cked by Indians

in King Phillips' w*r.

Katie: Springfield.

Scott: No, it couldn't have
been Springfield it's too big.

Katie: It wasn't too
big in the 1600s.

Scott: Fine.

Katie: Springfield.

Brian: Hatfield. Mom,
Meghan your turn.

Katie: No way.

Scott: Good one. You're
good at this aren't you?

Peg: Oh dear, literature.

Meghan, that's
one for a teacher.

Meghan: Mom, they don't teach
literature in kindergarten.

Scott: Oh, this is an easy one.

Uh, what classic of
Indian dramatic literature
was presumably written

in the 2nd century BC?

Meghan: No clue.

Gone With the Wind?

Scott: That is incorrect.

The correct answer is the Nia -

Brian: Nitya Stotra. All
righty, entertainment.

Scott: Impressive.

Meghan: Okay, what famous
musical features the
song There's no Business

Like Show Business?

Seamus: Annie Get Your g*n.

Everyone: Dad!

Seamus: Back then they
really had singers on
Broadway, Ethel Merman.

They didn't even
need microphones.

Brian: Dad, that's
because they didn't have
amplified instruments
in the pit back then.

If Ethel Merman were
on stage today -

Scott: She'd look awful.

Brian: Even she would
need a microphone.

Scott: How do you
know this stuff?

Brian: I'm working on Broadway.

Scott: Really?

That is so -

Katie: Howard Johnson's,
corner of 46th and
Broadway. [phone ringing]

He's a waiter.

Scott: Interesting.

Jeanne: I'll get it.

Brian: I'm an actor. Things
have been a little dry lately.

Jeanne: Hello? Hello? No I
haven't lost my mind yet.

Give them some time.

They're already asleep.

Okay. Well, then I'll see
you when I see you I guess.

All right, I love you too. Bye.

He won't be home
until late tonight.

Peg: Must be hard on you.

Jeanne: I knew what I
was getting into when
I married a doctor.

Peg: And Lord did you
want to marry a doctor.

Jeanne: Excuse me?

Peg: I'll never forget
that day that Sean called
up and said he met this

girl in the hospital.

He was a fourth year
resident and you were a
teenage candy striper.

What were you 16?

Jeanne: 20 and I was a
nurse's aide trying to
meet my tuition bill,

not a doctor.

Brian: Jeanne met Sean
one day when she was
carrying a tray into

a patient's room and she
spilled the tray all over Sean.

[laughing]

Peg: Remember that wine
you spilled all over
Uncle Kevin last Easter?

Jeanne: Oh God.

[laughing]

Brian: Anyway, it may not be the
most romantic tale ever told,

but it sure beats barhopping
at the local Hooters.

Scott: Well Hooters ain't so -

It's a horrible sexist place.

Jeanne: Anyway we're
married, next question.

Katie: Yeah, but you
should have heard it when
Sean called and said that

he'd asked you to marry him.

Mom thought you were knocked up.

Peg: I thought no such thing.

Katie: Oh yes you did.

Peg: Well, we were all very
relieved when you weren't.

Although I'd have another
grandchild then wouldn't I?

Brian: Allrighty then
entertainment, again.

Scott: Okay, what song does this
lyric come from, We Don't Need -

Seamus: The Wall.

Is the TV hidden in the the
wall closet by the bathroom?

Katie: That counts.

Jeanne: That does not count.

Katie: Yes, it does.

Brian: Then we get a -

Peg: The Wall -

[everyone talking]

Peg: Meghan and Kate
will sleep in the first
bedroom on the left.

Katie: Mom, Scott and I
are going to share a room.

Peg: Not under my roof.

Brian: Fornication,
F-O-R-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N,
fornication.

Katie: Mother this
is ridiculous.

Scott: That's fine
Mrs. Fitzgerald.

Peg: And Brian and
Scott will sleep in the
first room on the right.

Now, there's a little sky
light in there and it may
wake you up a little bit early

in the morning, but it's right
next to the master bedroom.

Brian: Oh God, not next to you.

Seamus: Wear your earplugs.

Brian: My earplugs only
reduce sound up to 30
decibels, and when you're

sleeping next to the
Concord that ain't much.

Peg: Your father doesn't snore.

Seamus: He was
speaking of you Peg.

Peg: I don't snore.

Seamus: Darlin' the sound coming
out of your nose would tumble

the Great Wall of China.

[doorbell]

Peg: Now who could that
be? It's almost 11:00.

David!

We've been waiting for you.

Hey! David!

Seamus: Can I get
you a sandwich?

Brian: Can I fix you a drink?

Meghan: So glad you came.

David: Yeah.

Peg: Oh, oh dear. Now
we'll have to redo the
sleeping arrangements again.

David: No, no. Don't change
anything on my account.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Peg: Oh fine.

I'll just go get
you some blankets.

Jeanne: Yeah, well I think
I'm going to hit the sack too.

Katie: Night.

Meghan: Night.

Katie: Scott. Scott!

Scott: Huh? Oh.

Good night.

Meghan: Night.

Thanks.

Peg: Good night.

David: Night.

Meghan: Night Mom.

Meghan: David, I'm really
glad you came. I hope -

David: Meghan stop.

I don't want to talk now.

I need to figure out whether
I want to stay at all.

Meghan: Oh. Okay.

Um, I guess good night then.

David: Good night.

Katie: I hate this house.

I don't know why they couldn't
have just stayed in the old one.

They only moved
ten minutes away.

Meghan: They bought this
house so Dad wouldn't have
to go up and down the stairs.

He refuses to have
that hip replacement.

You know that so stop
being a smartass.

Katie: My, my you and David
must be having the troubles.

Meghan: Yeah.

Katie: Well come on.

You can't just leave
me in suspense.

Meghan: Yeah, I can.

Katie: Even after you
stole him from me?

Meghan: You know, you went out
with him twice in high school

for pete's sake, Kate.

Katie: Well, looks like he
should have stuck with me.

Meghan: Oh! That's it!

I'm sick of you already.

I'm going to go sleep
in Brian's room.

Katie: You can come out now.

Just make sure you're out
of here before my mother
wakes up and checks in on me.

Scott: Why bother, Kate.
I'm sure she knows.

Kate: My mother and
the Spanish Inquisition
have a lot in common.

Now go to sleep.

Scott: Sleep tight dear.

Seamus: That's my boy.

I always loved you
more than the others.

Sean: I took it from
the doctor's lounge.

Seamus: Put it over there
in the basement. I'll
hide it with my tools.

Your mother will never see it.

Sean: Dad, what are you
eating at 4:00 in the morning?

Seamus: Swedish
meatballs. You want some?

Sean: Sure, why not?

How old are these meatballs?

Seamus: Not old at all.

They're left over from
Thanksgiving at Uncle Kevin's.

Sean: You must have
a cast iron stomach.

Seamus: Here, I made the
corned beef yesterday.

So how's your patient?

Sean: Not well.

Dad, what would you say if
I told you I was thinking
about leaving my practice

and going into research?

Seamus: Why would you do that?

Sean: My psychiatrist
would say that I'm joining
the ranks of the b*rned

out pediatric oncologists.

Seamus: Your psychiatrist?

Sean: Yeah.

Seamus: You knew when
you specialized you were
getting into a tough field.

Sean: Yeah, well I
was an idealist then.

Somewhere along the line
I lost my God complex.

Seamus: I wanted you
to be a plastic surgeon
to the stars myself.

Actually, you're my
first born son. I wanted
you to be a priest.

Sean: I'm asking
your advice here.

Seamus: Sean, I don't have
any advice to give you.

I own a pub.

You're a doctor, you save lives.

You make a damn good
living for your family.

Goodnight son.

Jackie: What are
those? Is that candy?

Kate: Yeah, you
could call it that.

Jeanne: Why don't you go
find your father okay?

Go.

Kate, if you ever show
those to my daughter again
I'll tell your mother.

Jackie: Dad, wake up, wake up.

Mom said you'd take me to
get my ears pierced today.

She said it was a
Christmas gift. Really.

Sean: Honey.

Jackie: Yeah?

Sean: I'm tired. Not stupid.

Jackie: But Dad.

Peg: Have you fed
them breakfast yet?

Sean: No Mom I'm
just getting up.

Peg: Oh goodness Sean.
It's almost 9:00.

They're growing children
they need their breakfast.

What is Jeanne thinking?

Brian: Yeah Sean whatever is
the matter with your wife?

Breakfast at 8:00 am.

Oh, by the way Dad told me about
the the TV in the basement.

I have never been so proud
to have you as a brother.

Good guy.

Sean: I'm going to
take a shower now.

Jackie: Hey, Uncle Brian
will you take me to the
mall to get my ears pierced?

Sean: Jackie I heard that!

Brian: [laughing]

[doorbell]

Brian: Oh, thanks.

Shannon: I split up with my
boyfriend. I left Seattle
and I thought I'd come

see the new house and
I was wondering if
it'd be okay if I came

home to stay this time and
this house is interesting.

Peg: Of course you can dear.

I've been so worried about you.

Sean: Here we go again.

Brian: Merry
Christmas everybody.

What Shannon, your new
boyfriend throw you out?

Peg: Quiet Brian.

Shannon, come have breakfast.

Brian: So Kate how are
things over at Alpo?

Paying for the defenses of
any husband K*llers lately?

Spending any more of our
valuable tax dollars on
issues of earth shattering

importance like transexual
prostitution in Singapore?

Kate: It's not called Alpo Brian
and transexual prostitution -

Peg: Is not a topic
for conversation at
my breakfast table.

Now, let's talk about
something pleasant.

Seamus: All these
atheists in Oregon, Scott,
where do they live?

Peg: Oh, for pete's sake.

Scott: Actually my mom
and stepdad moved us up
to a commune in Oregon

when I was just a teenager.

Peg: Oh, you're
from a broken home?

Kate: Mom, mind
your own business.

Meghan: Can we change
the subject please?

Scott: A broken Winnebago
is more like it.

They were all hippies
before it was popular.

Seamus, could you
pass the eggs please?

Peg: So, do you think
your parents divorce
had anything to do with

the breakup of your
first marriage?

Scott: No, I think it
was my wife's girlfriend
that caused my first

marriage to be unsuccesful.

My second marriage, however -

Peg: [coughing]

Sean: Hey mouse what's up?

What's wrong?

Sarah: Well, at home the other
day Jackie told me that -

Kurt: Shannon!

Sean: You know what I already
made my contribution to the
Save the MTV Generation.

Thanks anyway.

Shannon, I think that's for you.

[knocking]

Kurt: Shannon!

Sean: Listen -

Sarah: I know, I know
why don't I go and play.

Shannon: Stop shaking your head
at me. You're not my father.

Brian: Oh no. Not him.

Sean: Who is this guy?
Should we know him?

Brian: Remember when Shannon
had that pregnancy scare?

Right before she took
off for the second time?

Sean: How could I forget?
Mom lit enough candles
to burn the church down.

Brian: Yeah, and remember the
weird neighbors, the Zanders,

the freaks next door who
put up so many Christmas
decorations that people

still drive over just
to make fun of them.

Sean: Mrs. Zander, the
woman who used to come to
the door in her lingerie

when we had the paper route.

Brian: Oh, yeah. Remember that?

Anyway, he is their son.

Kurt: I never wanted to break
up. I'm so glad you came home.

Shannon: I didn't come
home to be with you Kurt.

Kurt: Then why'd you come home?

Shannon: Look, it's complicated.

Kurt: What do you
mean it's complicated?

I haven't seen you in months.

You took off without
saying goodbye or anything.

Shannon: Look, I just came home.

I just walked in the door,
my family is all there.

Kurt: You've just got to
give me a few minutes.

Shannon: I don't know.

Meghan: David, we have to talk.

David: I'm all ears.

Meghan: I don't know
what more I can say other
than it was a mistake,

and I'm sorry.

And I really want us to
work things out because
I still love you.

David: Well, then all
our problems are solved.

Do you think it's that simple?

Meghan: I didn't say that I
thought it was that simple.

David: Meghan,
you had an affair.

You broke my heart, all
the usual cliches apply.

Meghan: And I don't know what
I can do to make us work again.

David: Neither do I.

Meghan: Do you even want to try?

David: I thought I did.

Meghan: Then why
did you come here?

To embarass me in front
of my whole family?

So that all my brothers and
sisters could have their
say on the sorry state

of our marriage, or was
it just because I asked?

David: Yes, Meghan it was.

Hard as that is for
you to believe, I came
because you called

and asked me to.

Maybe someday I'll learn
to stop jumping when you
say jump, but it's a hard

habit to break.

For one of us anyway.

Meghan: That is not fair.

David: [sighs]

Meghan: Great. The
silent treatment again.

You know, if you weren't so -

Gosh darn insular I never
would have looked at somebody
else in the first place.

David: Is that why you
cheated? Because I'm quiet?

Meghan: Quiet?

David it's got nothing
to do with quiet.

It's the way you act like
everything bad that's ever
happened to us is my fault.

David: Oh, I can't believe
that you're finding
a way to blame your

sleeping with another man on me.

Meghan: I am not
blaming you Dave, I'm -

David: If things were
so bad in our marriage
why didn't you just -

Meghan: Talk to you?

David: Right.

Meghan: You mean
like we're doing now?

David, you wouldn't
even listen to me.

Until the night that
I told you about that
stupid irresponsible fling

that I had and it
didn't last anyway.

David: It did't last?

Well for God's sakes
Meghan. You told me it
lasted for three months,

or do you want to
revise that now too?

It wasn't just a fling. It
was a lot more than that.

[sad music]

Jeanne: Oh please
Kate, everybody knows
how you cook pasta.

Water, boil, add pasta.

What do you make for dinner
when you're home alone?

Kate: Reservations.

Kurt: Don't you remember?

We were going to open up
an aroma therapy supply
store in Massapequa?

Shannon: I wanted to go
to Sri Lanka and work
with the Dalai Lama.

Kurt: But the Dalai
Lama is in Bangladesh.

Kate: India.

Kurt: No the Dalai
lives in Bangladesh.

Peg: Meghan, I saw you
talking to David. How'd it go?

Sean: Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Scott: You're the doctor?

I need a drink.

Sean: Hey! That's Sarah's
Barbie dream house.

Scott: Nothing like an
ultra sissy toy under
the Christmas tree

to warm the cockles
of your heart.

Brian: He cheated on her.

That's why they're separated.

Yeah, David cheated on Meghan.

Sean: That's too bad.

Brian: Don't you
want to do something?

Don't you want to talk to him?

Sean: No.

Seamus: Brian, it's your
sister's business, not yours
and certainly not ours.

Brian: But she's our sister.

Seamus: Brian, trust
us. We're married men.

We've learned our lesson.
Mind your own business.

Brian: Why are you all so calm?

Have you ever?

Sean: No.

Brian: You didn't know
what I was going to ask.

Sean: [laughing] Oh yes I did.

Seamus: No.

Halftime.

Scott: May I?

Brian: What about you?

Scott: What about me what?

Brian: Have you
ever had an affair?

Kurt: Huh? I'm not married.

Brian: Not you Einstein.

Kurt: Kurt. I changed
my name from Howard
after Kurt Cobain d*ed.

Kind of a tribute.

Brian: I know your name Howie.

I used to smash your
pumpkins every Halloween.

I was talking to Scott.

Scott: Well, now
that you mention it.

That's why marriage
number two fell apart.

Seamus: And to
think I liked you.

Here.

Kurt: All right.

How come the Beverly
Hillbillies is on PBS?

Brian: That's the Grapes
of Wrath Kissinger.

Kurt: Kurt.

Sean: Dr. Fitzgerald.
I just received a page.

Hi Rick.

Damn.

I'm leaving now. I'll be
there in maybe half an hour.

Yeah.

Sorry it's one of
my patients there.

Jeanne: Go.

[kiss]

Sean: I'll be fine.

Jeanne: Sean.

Sean: I said I'm fine.

Jeanne: No you're not fine.

Did you get a chance
to talk to Sarah?

Sean: When have I had
time to talk to Sarah?

Jeanne: Great.

Sean: Honey, we can't have
this discussion now. I've
got to get to the hospital.

There's no time for this.

Jeanne: There's no time to
talk to your own daughter?

Sean: What about that
little girl at the hospital?

Jeanne: Okay. What
do I say to that?

[door slams]

[phone ringing]

Sean: Fitzgerald.

Oh no.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Right.

See you Monday.

Kate: Like all these stay at
home mothers? Look at Jeanne.

All these soccer moms
just do not get it.

Where are they going to be
when their husbands leave them

for some trophy wife and
they've got to get back
into the job market?

Jeanne: Where did you get
all this garbage you're
filling your brain with?

Peg: You need to use
more frosting dear.

In my day the mothers
didn't have any choice
but to stay home.

Jeanne: Actually, I'm going
back to teaching next year.

Peg: And our children
benefitted from it.

Jeanne is doing the right
thing staying at home,
at least until her girls

are in high school.

What was that you said dear?

Jeanne: Nothing.

Peg: But I hardly think you can
describe Jeanne as conservative.

Kate: She's a hell of
a lot closer to Betty
Crocker than Betty Friedan.

Peg: Betty Crocker?

I don't think so dear.

Really now? She didn't even
take her husband's name.

Jeanne: Peg, I did
take Sean's name.

I'm Jeanne Quinn-Fitzgerald.

Peg: That's hardly
taking his name dear.

Kate: And hardly
keeping your own.

Jeanne: I hate
these conversations.

Kate: And when 50% of
all marriages end in
divorce, keeping your own

identity is so important.

I mean look at Meghan.

What is Meghan going to do?

She's a kindergarten
teacher for God's sake.

That's hardly a career.

Jeanne: Who says it isn't?

Kate: And now she's splitting
up with her husband.

Or Shannon. Now there's a case.

She didn't even
finish high school.

What is she going to do?

And what are you going
to do with her Mom?

Are you just going to
take care of her forever?

Jeanne: What about you?

Kate: What about me?

Jeanne: Well you've
deconstructed everybody
else in the family.

Now, let's psychoanalyize you.

What's the deal with Scott?

Meghan: Yeah, what ist
he deal with Scott?

Peg: Yes Kate. I really do feel
I must speak to you about Scott.

Kate: I know. I
know Mom. I know.

He's a twice divorced
atheist and so we
should all just shun him

or rend our clothes or
whatever the Catholic
equivalent of that is.

Peg: I'm very hurt by that Kate.

I only have your best
interests at heart.

Kate: Oh boy. Here we go.

Peg: He is a divorced man
who doesn't believe in God.

Kate: You know it's amazing how
quickly the conversation turns

to religion around here.

Peg: And why shouldn't we?

God sees everything Kate.

Kate: You know I don't
mind if God sees, Mom.

It's you that I mind.

See God doesn't give me that,
"How could you possibly I'm
so disappointed in you,"

eyes welling up with
tears lower lip quivering
thing that you do so well.

Peg: I'm sorry if it
offends you Katherine Mary.

But I raised my children
to believe in everything
that you have seen fit

to spend your entire
personal and professional
life trying to degrade.

Kate: Oh come on,
give me one example.

Peg: Eighth grade graduation
from Saint Killian's.

You were the valedictorian.

Your entire speech implored
the church to rethink its
views about the all-male

priesthood.

Kate: Well it should.

Peg: High school prom.

You organized a sit in
against Sacred Heart's
refusal to allow condoms

in the nurse's office.

I was not pleased to have to go
down to the Westbury Holiday Inn

to negotiate with you about the
hostile takeover of room 124.

Kate: Mom, that really
didn't have anything
to do with condoms.

Peg: Law school graduation.

Again, you were
the valedictorian.

You spent your entire
speech berating the
university trustees about

their record of investing
in South Africa.

Kate: And they divested
the very next week.

Peg: Sometimes I have felt
like Jane Fonda's mother.

And yes, yes it does hurt me.

And yes, I am disapointed,
but not in you.

In your choices.

Kate: Oh come on.

You're just angry I don't
go to church anymore,

and don't worry.

I'm going to mass
with you tonight.

Peg: Oh, don't do me any favors.

Kate: You know I have never
done anything that I regret.

Jeanne: Not even throwing
your bra on stage at
that Bee Gees concert

back in 1976?

Kate: What?

Who told you that?

That never happened.
There was no bra.

It was a bikini top.

Jeanne: Oh! Boy do you
belong in politics.

[phone ringing]

Meghan: Oh come on.
Everybody knows about that.

[phone ringing]

Jeanne: Hello?

Oh Dr. Reid.

No, I thought he
was at the hospital.

Peg: Meghan, you
should have a baby.

That way you'd hold onto David.

Meghan: I don't think so Mom.

Jeanne: I'll be back in a
while. Somebody watch my kids.

Peg: But Christmas Eve dinner.

Jeanne: I'll be back.
Meghan I'm taking your car.

Meghan: Okay.

Peg: What has gotten
into these people?

Kurt: Can I ask you
another question?

Scott: Mm-hmm.

Kurt: You're a lawyer right?

Scott: Well, I have a law
degree. I don't practice law.

Kurt: Well, that's cool.

What I want to ask is,
you know mattress tags?

Scott: Mattress tags?

Kurt: Yeah.

If I pull off one of those
mattress tags, am I breaking
the law or something?

Scott: Yes, Kurt. In
fact, it's a violation
of US Code, Section 1234,

the Posturepedic
Protection Act of 1954.

Justice Department
takes it very seriously.

It's a felony.

Kurt: Oh man! I'm a felonist.

Scott: Your secret's
safe with me.

Seamus: Ah cheese and crackers.

Brian, I've been meaning
to talk with you.

It's been a long time since
you brought a girl around here.

Brian: Dad, the last time
I brought a girl home
Mom kept questioning her

about whether she wanted to
have a big family or not.

Seamus: That's a fair question.

Brian: We'd only been
dating three weeks.

David: What's the score?

Scott: 34-10, Alabama.

David: Need any help?

Seamus: Nope, we're doing
just fine here. Thanks.

David: Ah.

[can opening]

Scott: So, you
used to date Kate?

David: I went out with Kate a
couple of times in high school.

We broke up when I asked
her if we could go steady.

Scott: Mm.

David: She said she'd
never belong to any man.

Scott: [laughing]
Yep, that's my Kate.

Davd: Mm-hmm, but don't
let her hear you say that.

Scott: No, no, no.

[laughing]

Funny, I can't picture
you and Kate together,
even in high school.

David: Me neither.

[laughing]

Scott: Come to think of it,
sometimes I can't picture
me and Kate together.

You know what I mean?

David: Yeah, I think we
all know what you mean.

Scott: But I love her.

So, any tips about this family
you'd care to share with me?

David: Run like hell.

Scott: No, I mean it.

David: [laughing] So do I.

Scott, you can't marry
into this family.

You have to be born into it,
otherwise just hang on tight,

keep your arms and
legs inside the car.

Don't ask me. I'm
just passing through.

[birds]

Jeanne: Hi stranger.

Sean: Hi.

Jeanne: I thought
I'd find you here.

Sean: She was only 7 years old.

Jeanne: I know.

Dr. Ried called looking for you.

Sean: Go ahead and say it.

Jeanne: Whoever you are
and whatever your plan
is, I want to know where

you're hiding my husband.

Sean: Jeanne.

Jeanne: He looks a lot
like you, only he smiles
more and he likes his work,

and he's not distant and
distracted around his family.

Sean: Guilty as charged.

Is this what a midlife
crisis feels like?

Jeanne: I wouldn't know.
I'm not there quite yet.

You're scaring me, Sean.

Sean: I can't do
this anymore Jeanne.

I go to the hospital
and I dread being there
because every parent that I

look at could be us
and every child that I
look at could be ours.

And I give them my
standard speech about the
great advances we've made

in treating childhood cancer and
how so many of them will go on

to lead normal lives
when I know that too many
of them won't because

none of our advances are enough.

Then I go to the office
and I fight with an HMO
who won't allow bone marrow

transplant because they've
decided that anything more
complex than a drive thru

tonsillectomy is an
experimental procedure,
when I know and they know

that an experimental
procedure is the best chance
that some of these kids

are going to get.

And then I dread going
home because everyone
there knows that

Daddy's in a bad mood
again and that he treats
his patients better

than he does his family.

And I tell myself I'll
be a better father and
a better husband and

then I wake up the next
day and nothing's changed.

I'm still, at best, a
halfway decent husband and a
sometimes attentive father.

I still have patients dying
on Christmas Eve, and I
don't know how to change it.

I got into medicine
to change it.

Jeanne: Always the idealist.

I love you for that you know?

Sean: If I leave my practice
our lifestyle is going to
have to change, drastically.

Jeanne: Well if my options
are a smaller house,
or an unhappy husband

I'll take the smaller house.

Sean: In Rochester, Minnesota?

I don't now.

It sounds like
Pennsyltucky to me.

Jeanne: Sean, anything
west of Hackensack sounds
like Pennsyltucky to me.

Sean: The clinic wants
an answer on Monday.

I'm going to have to think
some more about this.

Jeanne: All right. Hey, do
me a favor and think at home.

You're mother will have
my head on a platter if
we're not back by supper.

Sean: Marry me again?

Jeanne: Anytime.

[kiss]

Kurt: Hey.

Shannon: Kurt, what do you want?

Kurt: Marry me?

Shannon: For the third time, no.

Kurt: Well, what
are you going to do?

Shannon: I have no idea.

Get a job at McDonalds
or something.

Kurt: That's cool.

What about me?

Shannon: Kurt, just go back to
whatever it was you were doing.

Kurt: I can get a job you know.

I can support you.

I can get a job at Dairy
Queen and we can buy
a house or something.

Shannon: I want to know
how to support myself.

Maybe then my brothers
and sisters won't
treat me like dirt.

Kurt: Maybe they treat you
like dirt because you don't
respect them very much.

Shannon: What would
you know about it?

I know we're not back together.

Kurt: Well then can I just
kind of like hang out here,
like Darlene's ex-boyfriend

did on Rosanne?

Peg: Meghan, that's
now how you make gravy.

Meghan: No Mom that's
not how you make gravy.

It's how I make gravy.
Don't worry about it.

Brian: No Kate I'm
telling you you're wrong.

Kate: I am not wrong.

Seamus: Where's the salt?

Peg: Seamus, it's on the
second shelf where it's
been since we moved in.

Seamus: No, it isn't.

Kate: Do you make this stuff up?

Kurt: So, everybody - Everybody!

I was wondering if it'd be
okay if I kind of stayed
here a while even though

Shannon and I aren't like
together or anything.

Kates: You're nuts.
You're dreaming.

Peg: Somebody take the
dessert out of the freezer.

And have it defrost.

Where's David:

Meghan: I don't know
Mom, around I think.

Mom, knock it off!

Brian: I'm telling you
Kate two of them were not
mentioned in the song.

Sean: I can't stand
this right now.

I'm going to call the hospital.

Jeanne: I'll go
check on the girls.

Seamus: Where's the salt?

Peg: Seamus Fitzgerald,
look for it.

Don't just stand
there asking me.

Brian: The Professor
and Maryanne must have
had really bad agents.

Kate: Well at least
they had agents Brian.

All together: Amen.

Peg: I'm sorry we have to
rush dinner, but we have
to be at church at 8:00.

Brian: Mom, I know midnight mass
is crowded, but don't you think

leaving four hours
early is a bit extreme?

Jeanne: It's at 8:00?

Seamus: Houliganism.

They had a problem last year at
midnight mass with houligans.

It was the choir.

Peg: Seamus it was not funny.

Seamus: They had a
Christmas party before mass,
came in drunk and sang

Grandma got run over by a
reindeer for the processional.

[laughing]

Father Michael was very
displeased and he moved
midnight mass to 8:00.

Peg: It was sacrilegious.

Seamus: Too many
Italians in the choir.

Christmas Eve is a big
thing for them you know.

Brian: What does being
Italian have to do with it?

Peg: So, will you be going to
midnight mass with us Scott?

Kate: Of course.

Scott: I don't think so.

Kate: Yes Scott, you will.

Scott: Hey, why would
I be going to mass?

Kate: Because it's Christmas.

Scott: Kate, Christmas to
me is an afternoon at the
multiplex and dinner at

Szechuan Kitchen.

Kate: Welcome to the family.

You're going to church.

Scott: And why are you going?

You're a pro birth control,
pro abortion, pro assisted
su1c1de, anti tuition tax credit

anti marriage liberal who's
living with a divorced atheist.

Seamus: You're living in sin?

Brian: Oh, couldn't
be. She's Irish.

Seamus: That's true.

Brian: It is not true.

We are not Irish,
we just pretend.

Shannon: [laughing]

Sean: Shannon cut it out.

Shannon: Cut out what?

You're looking a little
worn out there doc.

Is being the best loved,
first born son getting to you?

Sean: You know since we're
talking about living in sin dad,

look no further than
your darling Shannon.

She sleeps with Freud thinks
she's pregnant and she
runs off to God knows where

only pop up again here
on Christmas Eve with -

Brian: Einstein,
Churchill, Thomas Edison.

Sean: Thomas Edison in tow.

Kurt: Kurt.

Shannon: You're not my
father Sean. He is. And
don't make fun of Kurt.

Sean: I'm not talking about Kurt
Shannon. I'm talking about you.

While we're on the subject, what
would possess someone to change

their name to honor a
drug addled rock star who
blew his own brains out?

Kurt: He was my
generation's martyred saint.

Shannon: You're just jealous.

Sean: Of what?

Brian: I just love
Christmas with the family.

Pacem in terris.

Jeanne: Brian,
you live for this.

You've always been
the instigator.

Brian: Well excuse me miss
perfect hyphenated homemaker.

Jeanne: You think
my life is perfect?

My brain is turning to
mush while my husband
works an 18-hour day,

six days a week, and
I sit at PTA meetings
trying to make decisions

like whether or not we should
have a bake sale or a poinsettia
sale. [talking over Sean]

Or whether or not
we should paint the
cafeteria teal or maroon.

That's the perfect life?

Brian: Okay, don't talk
to me. Not after what
you did to my sister.

David: Who me?

Brian: Yes you.

Scott: I thought you said
you had to be born into this?

Brian: And you who admit to your
girlfriend's father and brothers

that you cheated on
your second wife.

You had an affair with
some tramp yourself.

Kate: Hey, that tramp
you're talking about is me.

David: You think that
I cheated on her?

Did you tell them
that I had an affair?

Meghan: I didn't
tell them anything.

I didn't tell them that
I couldn't have children
and he wouldn't even talk

to me about it when
all I really needed was
your shoulder to cry on.

And I sure as hell did
not tell anybody that
anybody had an affair.

It's true.

Only, I'm the one that
had the affair Brian.

Not David.

It was me.

Seamus: Would you
please pass the gravy?

Peg: Nobody is
passing any gravy.

I don't want to know
what commandments
you've broken this week.

And I don't want to
hear anymore about which
of the seven deadlies

you've committed lately.

And I don't want to hear
anymore about this ugly
house that we've moved into

because we're getting older and
it's not so easy to move around.

Because we both know that the
next step is one of those horrid

little retirement communities
in Florida where every pharmacy

sells more adult diapers than
baby diapers and there's a

Pancake House on every
corner serving earlybird
dinners until 6:00.

So, while I can I am
trying my best to give
you a pleasant Christmas,

which isn't as easy as it
used to be when I was younger
and I had more energy.

So I want you all to
calm down, to shut up
and to eat the gosh damn

Christmas Eve dinner
I've worked so hard on.

Now then.

What did you think of that
breakin at the US Embassy
in Manila last week Scott?

Scott: It was terrible.

Peg: Yes.

Scott: Terrible.

Sean: Are you going
to smile for me?

Sarah: How will Santa
know that we're here?

He thinks that
we're at our house.

Jeanne: I told you.
Santa is very smart.

Brian: That's right Sarah.

Santa is a Mensa member.

Jeanne: Let's go get that apple.

[door opens and closes]

Meghan: He left.

Brian: Meghan, I am so sorry.

Meghan: It's all
right. It's all right.

You guys would have
found out anyway.

It'd have to come out
Catholic guilt and all.

Sarah: For the
reindeer. Don't eat.

Brian: You are just like
Mom and Dad except for
they had that spotlight

on top of their Super8 camera.

Meghan: You know, I think you
have reindeer apple duty Brian.

Brian: I can't believe
I'm doing this.

Meghan: I don't know what I'm
going to do without him Brian.

I always thought we'd
stay together forever
and have a bunch of kids,

and I'd stay home like Mom.

When we found out I couldn't
have children, it just -

Brian: Adopt.

Meghan: I know, we
could adopt, but do you
remember Laura Daniels?

Brian: Mm-hmm.

Meghan: About a year
ago they adopted a baby
and the birth parents

took them to court and
they took the baby back.

I just couldn't -

I can't go through that.

Brian: Hey, that's a risk
you're going to have to take.

Meghan: I know.

I guess I should have thought of
that before I started having -

Brian: Please. You're my sister.

Don't conjure up any
unsavory visual images.

Meghan: I guess I have
to go face the music huh?

Brian: Meghan.

Meghan: What?

Brian: Does this look
like reindeer bites?

Meghan: Oh my God.

I think it looks pretty good.

Brian: All right.

Kurt: I'm not high in
the mountaintop and it's
not weird and boring.

If you had kids would you
want to take them to church?

Shannon: I said no.

Kurt: So, if we had kids -

Shannon: We're not having kids.

Peg: Seamus, get up and eat
the cookies we left for Santa.

Seamus: Cookies.

Kurt: Just the fact that
you're talking to me
at least gives me hope.

Shannon: I'm talking
to you because there's
nobody else to talk to.

Jackie: Sarah, you
can't go out there.

Sarah: Jackie, stop it.

Sean: Brian, Brian!
Guard the hallway.

Peg: Sean, I've been meaning
to speak to you about Shannon.

You must be easier on her.

She didn't have all the
advantages that you had.

Sean: Advantages?

Before Dad took over
the pub I thought that
spam was a food group.

Peg: That's exactly what I mean.

Meghan: What are you doing?

Jeanne: Writing the girls
their letter from Santa.

Meghan: Four score
and seven years ago.

[laughing]

Jeanne: Looking for inspiration.

Meghan: I guess.

Sarah: Uncle Brian.

Brian: Hey, back to bed.

Peg: I'm sorry honey.

Everything will be all right.

I promise.

Meghan: What does she
have up her sleeve?

Sarah: Dad, I can't sleep.

Sean: Try harder.

Sarah: I still need
to talk to you.

I'm coming out there.

[yelling]

Jackie: You're not going
to read The Night Before
Christmas to us again are you?

Sean: Oh, yes I am.

Scott: You can't
write them checks.

Kate: They'll love it.

Scott: Get up.

Kate: What?

Where are we going?

Scott: The toy store's
open until midnight.

Come on.

Kate: Oh Scott.

Scott: It's Christmas dammit.

[phone ringing]

Whoever you are, whatever
you're calling about
all I have to say is,

it's Christmas dammit, go home.

Oh, and Merry
Christmas to you too.

The Secretary of State
wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Come on, let's go.

Sean: Are you sure
you won't join us?

I think she's too cool for us.

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house

not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by
the chimney with care in
hopes that Saint Nicholaus

soon would be there.

The children were
nestled all snug -

Over to the window, I flew
like a flash tore open the
shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon -

More rapid than eagles
his courses they came and
he whistled and shouted

and called them by name.

Now Dasher, now Dancer,
now Prancer and Vixen.

On Comet, on Cupid.

Sarah: You can stop
now. She's a sleep.

Sean: What's wrong princess?

Sarah: You have time to talk?

Sean: Yeah. I'm sorry princess
it's been a busy couple of days.

Sarah: Is there a
Santa Claus or not?

Jackie told me that there isn't.

Sean: Maybe this is
one for your mother.

Come here.

Let's see.

Jeanne: Penny for your thoughts.

Sean: We're so lucky.

Jeanne: Yeah.

Sean: Jackie told
this one about -

Jeanne: Oh.

My sister did the
same thing to me.

I guess they have to
grow up sooner or later.

Sean: Why does it always
seem like it's sooner?

Pretty soon Sarah will be after
us for pierced ears and saying -

Sean and Jeanne:
[together] Whatever!

Sean: I'm going to accept
that offer at the clinic.

Kate: Meghan.

Meghan: Hmm?

Kate: I'm sorry I
was rude last night.

Meghan: I know. Scott
was under the bed.

Kate: In the closet.

[laughing]

Kate: Why don't you marry him?

Kate: You're a funny one to
be recommending marriage.

Meghan: Why not? I made
such a success out of it.

[sighs]

Look at Sean and Jeanne.

Look at Mom and Dad,
for that matter.

Kate: I do. That's why
I don't get married.

Meghan: Funny. That's why I did.

Kate: I said something
wrong again right?

Meghan: No.

I'm just not tired.
I think I'll -

I'll go tree gaze
for a little while.

Kate: Meghan.

Meghan: What?

Kate: I'm proud of you.

Meghan: Thanks.

Night.

Kate: Night.

Peg: Hi there.

Meghan: I didn't
see you over there.

Peg: Tissue?

Meghan: No, I think I'm
okay for the time being.

What's the matter Mom?

Peg: It used to be so simple, a
bandaid, a kiss, all was better.

I was good at that.

But I'm not good at
troubled marriages and
runaways and whatever's

troubling Sean.

Meghan: Don't forget the
lawyers and the actors Mom.

Peg: Why didn't you tell
us about the problems
you were having?

Meghan: Did you really
want to know that I was
having an affair, Mom?

Peg: Well, maybe I
could have stopped it.

Meghan: [laughing] You're
a crazy old woman, Mom.

Do you think that David and I -

Peg: Meghan, don't ask me that.

Everything has changed so much.

It seems the world has
passed me by, and I don't
know what to think anymore.

Meghan: Then just tell me
everything's going to be okay.

Peg: Oh, that it will.

Somehow.

[upbeat music]

Jeanne: Too early.
Go back to bed.

Sean: Oh honey, it's too
early. Go back to bed.

Jeanne: No.

Sean: Uh-uh.

Jeanne: No.

Sean: Uh.

Jeanne: Okay. You win.

Jackie: Wake up Daddy. Wake up.

Sean: No honey, it's too
early. Go back to bed.

Jeanne: No Sean. It's 6:00.
We might as well get up.

You girls go wake
everybody else up.

Jackie: Woohoo.

[laughing]

Sean: I was hoping that
their discovery about
Santa would get us

a little extra sleep.

Jeanne: Not a chance.

Sean: [sighs]

Hey, hey, look. Oh!
Santa was here too.

Jeanne: Thank you.

[kiss]

Sean: Merry Christmas.

[kiss]

Jeanne: Merry Christmas.

Brian: I can't believe
you let them wake us up
at 6:00 in the morning.

Sean: Here we go.

Jeanne: Yep.

Kurt: Spielberg. Spielberg.

Spielberg.

Oh.

Shannon: Weirdo.

Seamus: Oh. I think I'll go
downstairs and look for that
antique model train set.

Sean: Right.

[patting]

Brian: Oh, you got it Dad.

Scott: Maybe I can help.

Excuse me darling.

Kurt: Oliver Stone.

Peg: Seamus Fitzgerald freeze.

Do you think I don't know
what's down in that basement?

Seamus: But darling.

Peg: Do you think that
I don't know that you
boys have spent a good

portion of the time
this weekend watching
television on a television
set that is supposedly

hidden from me in
your tool cabinet?

A television set that my
first born brought back
with him on Friday night

after his first trip
to the hospital?

And do you think that I
don't know that it's 44-42
Bulls with two minutes to go

in the second quarter?

Seamus: But how did
you find all that out?

Peg: Seamus, darling. I
know everything that goes
on in these four walls.

And you should go to
confession Katherine Mary,
but pity the poor priest

who will listen to
your confession.

He'll have a sore bottom
by the time you're done.

Scott: [laughing]

Kate: Yeah, what's so funny?

Scott: Your family.
They're just like mine.

Kate: No they're not.

You're family likes
me just the way I am.

Scott: They'd like you a
lot more if you'd stay at
home and have children.

But we can talk about
that some other time.

[kiss]

Peg: But you Seamus
darling, are oblivious
to many things that are

obvious to the female eye.

And Santa has brought
you one present, which
you haven't yet found.

So, sit down.

Kate: Oh no.

Peg: Well, open it Seamus.

Seamus: I'm afraid to darling.

Peg: Nonsense dear.

Open it.

[paper crinkling]

Seamus: All right.

[everyone cheering]

Now I'll be a happy man.

Peg: [laughing]

Seamus: But where did
you hide the old set?

Peg: Oh, some place I
knew you would never look.

It was hidden behind all
the cleaning supplies.

[laughing]

Uncle Kevin's family
where be here in an hour.

Kate: Ever notice how the
women spend their holidays
cooking and cleaning

while the men spend
them in front of the TV?

Jeanne: Kate, I'll let
you in on a little secret.

If men were in charge of the
holidays we'd have our Christmas
dinner of Kentucky Fried Chicken

served on paper plates
surrounded by dirty clothes
thrown on the floor.

You wouldn't want
that would you?

Peg: Jeanne, wine glasses
go all the way to the right.

These are on the left.

Shannon: Sean?

Sean: Yeah?

Shannon: Can we talk?

Sean: Yeah, sure go ahead.

Shannon: No Sean. I need
to have a serious talk.

Sean: Oh. Okay.

What's up?

Shannon: Why do you hate me?

[door slams]

Sean: I don't hate you Shannon.

I think you're irresponsible.

Shannon: I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know what
I'm doing period.

I can't stick with school,
I can't stick with a job.

I tell myself I can do
better and I will do
better, but I never do.

Sean: Shannon, I apologize.

Shannon: What?

Sean: I'm sorry.

I know I've been pretty hard
on you, but I just don't
think that you're being fair

to Mom and Dad.

You've given them
a pretty hard time.

First you disappear to Seattle.

Then you pop back up here -

Shannon: They knew where I was.

Sean: You let them know that
you arrived safely after you
hitchhiked across country.

Honestly, if one of
my girls does half the
things you've done,

I'll be terrified.

Shannon: But what do I do?

Go back to school?
Get a deadend job?

Sean: I don't
know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never been there.

I can't tell you what to do.

I can only tell
you what not to do.

I know I'm spouting platitudes.

I'm not good at advice.

I'm good at self righteousness.

Shannon: Of course you are.

You're a Fitzgerald.

[laughing]

Sean: Listen, Shannon.
If you ever need Jeanne
or me all you have

to do is pick up the phone.

You'll have to listen to
me tell you everything
you've done wrong,

but we'll be there for
you if you need us.

Peg: Sean, Shannon, could
you go pick up Nana?

Shannon: Oh boy, has she
bought a hearing aid yet?

Sean: [yelling]
Can't hear a thing!

Shannon: [yelling] What?

[laughing]

Huh?

Nana: Margaret,
this cake is dry.

Why don't you just
make it from scratch?

All good cooks make
it from scratch.

Seamus: So, when I was
up at church I got an
update on the annual

choir Christmas party
from Father Michael.

Seems Dan Waznowski
spent last night in jail.

Scott: What can you do?
The Polish have tempers.

Seamus: That's what I said.

But Father Michael said
the folk group tried to
crash the choir party,

and it got a little
bit out of control.

Brian: I can see it now.

Just like the Jets
and the Sharks.

Kate: You know, behavior
like that is probably
why you can't get a job.

Peg: Okay, all right thank you.

Uncle Kevin: Oh no. We
didn't take pictures.

[yelling]

Nana: Am I seeing
lightning again?

[everyone talking]

Nana: Oh, I hope I
closed the windows.

[everyone talking]

Margaret, this cake is so dry.

It chokes me.

Brian: Nana, you
want some water?

Nana: Dear, you
don't need to yell.

I'm wearing my new hearing aid.

Aunt Mary: Elizabeth
Ann was dating a lovely
boy until a month ago.

Sean, you know any nice
doctors for my daughter?

Nana: Well maybe Sean
could find you some nice
doctors in Minnesota.

He's moving there you know.

He and Shannon were talking
about it in the car.

Sean: Well. Uh.

I, um, I guess I have
an announcement to make.

I'm giving up my practice.

[everyone yelling]

I've accepted a position at
researching a new therapy
in childhood cancers

and I've been invited
to join the faculty
at the medical school.

Kurt: So, is that
the T2 Z protocols?

Sean: Yeah, it is.

Kate: The what?

Kurt: T2 Z is a type of drug
found in the leaf of the
basilicus carnate plant,

or it's better known
as serrata plant.

That's what the natives call it.

This plant has many
pharmaceutical uses, but
most important when they

tested it on rats they
found that it reduced the
size of preexisting tumors.

I'm over simplifying of course.

Sean: That's basically right.

Brian: Hey Einstein,
where'd you learn that?

Kurt: Scientific American.

Sean: Anyway, I won't be
leaving until February.

Kate: I don't understand
why you'd give up such
a lucrative practice.

You must be taking
a huge paycut.

Sean: Kate. One of my friends
is a pediatric orthopedist.

He says that the greatest
joy in his life is seeing
his patients grow up.

I don't get a chance to
do that nearly enough.

So, I'm going out there to
see what I can do about that.

Anyway, you're all invited to
Minnesota for next Christmas.

Scott: Hey, I'll be there.

Uncle Kevin: Since we're
all making announcements,
Patrick tell them.

Patrick: Well, I've been in
the seminary since September

and I've decided
to become a priest.

[applause]

Sean: I guess I've
been upstaged.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

Sean: Hey Brian,
you need a ride?

Brian: No actually my
ride is on its way.

Sean: You want to grab some
of the stuff on the porch?

Brian: Sure.

Kate: No, I don't think so.

I'm driving.

Scott: No, you're not.

I got us here.

Kate: It took six hours.

We stalled every four minutes.

I'm driving.

Scott: No you're not.

Jeanne: You okay?

Meghan: Yeah.

Sean: You almost ready?

Jeanne: Yeah, where
are the girls?

Sean: Sarah is in the car.
Jackie is admiring her
new double pierced ears.

Jeanne: Her what?

Sean: Shannon was
just being helpful.

Brian: Bye.

See you brother.

Jeanne: See you later.

Brian: My ride is here.

Peg: Bye, love you.

Brian: Scott, nice
to meet you man.

Peg: Brian! Aren't you going
to introduce us to her?

Brian: What am I crazy?

Peg: Well that was very rude
of him not to introduce us.

I'll have to talk to him.

Kate: No, that was very
smart. I'll have to call him.

Sean: Hey, hug me.

Peg: Oh!

Kate: Well okay.

Meghan: Bye.

Sean: Call me.

Meghan: I will. I'm going
to follow you guys out.

Sean: Don't call me please.

Kate: Yeah.

[everyone talking]

Meghan: I'm going to
follow them. Okay?

Seamus: [sighs]
Well that was fun.

Peg: [laughing]

Seamus: Now let's
go watch some TV.

Peg: Seamus.

Seamus: Yes darling.

Peg: That girl Brian
was with, do you think
she wants a big family?

Seamus: I don't know we'll
get the chance to ask.

Peg: What do you mean?

Kate: See? See how easy this is?

Scott: Thank you I learn
so much from you Kate.

I love you.

[music]
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