05x13 - New Pipes and Old Secrets

[bunniefuu]

Wow. Fried chicken and
donuts for breakfast.

Did your heart say something
that pissed you off?

Why are you always
sticking up for my heart?

My tastebuds could
use some support, too.

Uh, with Louise on the
road and your sister

over at her friend's most of the time,

I'm like the kid from "Home Alone,"

if he guzzled beer and mainlined bacon.

Louise's plant in the
bathroom is already dead

because I'm not around.

If you turn all brown and shrivel up,

she's gonna be super mad at me.

I can take care of myself, thank you.

And to what do we owe the
honor of your presence?

I'm giving Harris a ride
to work, and along the way,

she's gonna help me with my
paper on teenage alcoholism.

You know, Mark, I started
drinking when I was ,

and I'm a little hurt that you
turned to an amateur for help.

I'm sorry, there are just
so many people in this family

who drank as children...

it was an embarrassment of riches.

- [Knock on door]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Perfect timing. That's for me.

- I got Bev a caregiver off Craigslist.
- Oh.

I gave her your address

'cause I don't want
sketchy people like that

knowing where I live.

- Eileen, hi.
- Hi.

Oh, it's so nice to
finally meet you in person.

- I'm Jackie.
- Hi.

- This is my brother-in-law, Dan.
- Hello.

- Come on in. Why don't you have a seat?
- Thank you.

Um, so...

- [Chuckling]
- Well...

how was the first day with Mom?

[Breathes sharply] Look,
I... I... I'm not a nurse,

and I just make extra cash,
uh, babysitting seniors.

My wife does that for free. [Laughs]

But she gets to live in splendor.

A... And some of them have
memory problems,

but this wasn't just
a confused old woman.

This was a targeted att*ck
on my deepest insecurities.

Oh, my God, she commented on your hair.

- No.
- The lazy eye?

Maybe... Maybe that's enough
guesses for now.

Let's let her finish her story.

I... It's not important.

Um, I just came by to say

that I can't take care of your mom.

I'd rather go back to
the dog food factory

and feed horse skeletons
into the grinder.

Sounds like a lateral move to me,
but that's your call.

- [Door opens]
- [Door closes]

You hired her to take care of
Bev without even meeting her?

She's the only one I could afford, Dan.

There's gotta be somebody else.

Some no-account drifter
just passing through town.

Ohh. I can't afford a registered nurse,

so I'm doing the best I
can with what's available.

In the meantime, Harris, Mark,

I need you guys to go
over and watch Bev tonight.

No problem.

And, uh, Harris, you've
got the late shift

at the tattoo parlor,

so you can do the early shift with Bev,

and then, Mark, you can relieve her

when you get off school
at : every day.

Problem solved.

What? Every day?

Why is this all on us?

Well, you guys were concerned about her,

and she trusts you, and she
paid for your computer camp.

Gave you her dead husband's watch.

Well, no, I understand.

You kids have a life of your own.

You like to make your little TikToks

and watch your Korean boy bands, so...

I... I'll... I'll call you
when she's dead.

- Okay, fine.
- Fine.

- We'll do it.
- Fine.

Only if you want to.

- What's going on, Jackie?
- [Door opens]

- Can't you ask Neville to kick in...
- [Door closes]

... or maybe move her in with you guys?

I'm not burdening him with the cost

of taking care of my horrible mother.

And there's no way she's living with me.

I finally found someone

who loves and accepts
me unconditionally.

If I let her in the house,
she'll just destroy that.

That's what she does.

- Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly.
- Mm.

Yeah.

♪

Mmmmm. Food.

[Whispering] Don't move.
There's a bear in the kitchen.

God, Dad.

You taking care of yourself
with Louise out of town?

It's sausage, not heroin. I'm fine.

Well, they'll both k*ll you.

It's just a matter of
how many pallbearers

it takes to lift the coffin.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

Glad I caught you.

Have I told you how much I appreciate

you building this house for
me and how perfect it is?

No, you have not.

Okay, here's why...

So, the plumbing is
making terrible noises.

Now, I... I'm grateful that
you did it all for free,

but free doesn't have to mean crappy.

I'm sure they're not terrible noises.

[Scoffs lightly] Mark, shower!

[Loud rattling]

Mommy, the wall monsters are back!

[Gasps] It's okay, honey.

It's just Grandpa's
half-assed workmanship.

Hey, I did it right.

I'll come over and see what's
going on when I get free later.

Oh, hey, look, Dan, I know
you got a lot on your plate,

so if you want, I can
take a sh*t at fixing it.

Absolutely not!

"Taking a sh*t" does
not inspire confidence.

"Ah, we've begun our
descent into Chicago.

Uh, we're gonna take a sh*t
at landing this plane. Uhhh."

"Uh, this is your co-pilot.

Relax, sit back, and kiss my ass."

Oh, you got an extra house key?

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm gonna be home all day.

For if I get over here late
when you guys are all asleep.

Well, why can't you just
come over after work?

Chuck and I planned a guys' night.

We're gonna go bowling, sh**t pool,

and maybe hit the all-night diner

for a pancake nightcap.

Wow. When the cat's away,

the old, creaky mouse
rolls off the couch to play.

Yeah, I'm not gonna sit at home

waiting for my woman
to come off her tour.

And there's nobody at the
house to worry about it anymore,

so my time to howl.

Alright, well, the keys are there,

but just don't overdo it.

Please be sure to check
your blood pressure,

wear your compression socks,

and, you know, send us a pin
of wherever you're going to be.

Otherwise, rage on, dude.

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

[Softly] Okay, so what's this about?

[Softly] You need to
see her. She is not good.

And this would have been a lot easier

if we could have brought
her to your house.

I told you I don't want her

getting her hate-dander
in my new carpet.

Aunt Jackie, we have
a real problem here.

I know you're talking about me.

I demand that you hear
my side of the story

before these two monsters
make up more lies about me.

What happened, Mom?

They're liars and thieves.

The girl one was rifling through
my scarf drawer last night.

I was looking for something
I could use as a gag.

An admission of guilt!

Mom, that's Harris.

I don't care who she is.

She's taking things, and so is the boy.

Right now, he's wearing
my husband's watch

right in front of me.

- She gave it to me.
- Oh!

Why would I do that?

It's worth a lot of money.

You're lucky my husband
hasn't noticed yet.

He's got a temper.

Mark, give her the watch.

And those clothes?

They clearly came out
of my husband's closet.

No one your age dresses like that.

I'm not taking off my clothes.

Mark, Harris, let me talk
to you guys for a second

in the other room.

Mom, you finish your cereal,

and I'll take care of all this.

Hey, hey, hey!

- Okay, first days are always hard.
- Hard?

Last night, she turned off
the lights and lit candles

so the Germans wouldn't
see us during The Blitz.

She thought she was a
young girl in England.

She's never even been to England.

So just play along
with her little stories.

There's no harm in that.

Is there harm in her running
out of the house last night

and trying to bum cigarettes
from cars that are driving by?

Oh, my God.

Did somebody almost hit her?

We know the answer you'd
like to hear, but no.

And it was really scary.

- We can't keep doing this.
- [Sighs]

We don't want to be responsible

if something really bad happens.

You need to get a real nurse.

- Mm.
- And a strong one.

She's , but she's powered by Ensure

and generational evil.

Yeah. I hear you.

Okay, I think I know the answer to this,

but I'm gonna ask it anyway.

Is this something that
could be solved with...

baby gates?

♪

Dad?

Hey. Dad.

- What time is it?
- It's : am.

Holy cow.

I started working on the
pipes, and I guess I conked out.

I haven't slept that
hard in a long time.

Beverly Rose, Grandpa's here!

You can brush your teeth now!

- Thanks for fixing it, Dad.
- Mm.

[Loud rattling]

- [Beverly Rose screams]
- Turn it off!

I thought you fixed it?

Sorry. But I did look
at it, and I realize now

it's a lot more
complicated than I thought.

I'm gonna have to come
back here again tonight.

Yes, please.

Beverly Rose had to sleep
with me again last night.

She's a kicker. She's a hitter.

It's like trying to spoon
with a tiny cage fighter.

Look, Dad, if it's too hard,

I can just hire someone
to help with the pipes.

Oh, I don't need help.

And I've got the key,

so I won't bother you
when I come in late.

Late again tonight?

I'm getting straight A's, Mom.

Why can't I hang out late
with the other kids? Gawd!

- This is crazy.
- [Door closes]

He's going out every night drinking.

He's going to his old white man raves

or whatever he's doing.

Yeah, we gotta watch him.

Mark told me he was eating fried chicken

for breakfast the other day.

He's clearly not sleeping.

He's not in good enough
shape to have fun.

♪

♪

Hey. Any luck finding
a caregiver for Bev?

If you don't, Mark's going up the river

for stealing every gift
she's ever given him.

I did find one.

She should be here any
minute for the interview.

One?!

You were supposed to narrow
it down to four or five.

Well, I tried. First, I picked out
all the ones

with keywords in their résumé like,

"caring," "compassionate,"
"love," "God."

Then I tossed them 'cause
she'd just peck 'em clean

'til there was nothing
left but bones and hair.

So, why this one?

Well, 'cause she's got
impeccable credentials

working in memory care,
and she knows martial arts.

Eventually, the job's
going to require force

rather than explanation.

Oh, my God! [Chuckles]

- What?
- You see how much she charges?

Even if I put Bev in a daycare facility,

I'm still gonna need this woman
for, like, hours a night.

That's like bucks a day.

What is that a year?!
Somebody do the math!

- Look, this is her. Just be chill.
- [Door closes]

- Hi. I'm Darlene.
- Hi.

Please sit anywhere.
We'll just be a minute.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

Don't tell her to sit
down. I can't afford her.

Bev is running into the
middle of the street, Jackie.

- Ohh!
- You need someone to keep her safe.

Why? She didn't do
that for me or Roseanne.

She would leave us with
our crazy rageaholic father,

or else stash us at Nana
Mary's for months at a time

while she was off doing God knows what.

Alright, well, the other option

is to put her in a
crowded state facility,

and, yeah, she hasn't
always been a saint,

but I don't think you want that.

Mm. I maybe want that.

I mean, it could thin out
once everybody got to know her.

- Aunt Jackie.
- I know.

I know.

Damn her for putting
me in this situation.

She never saved a dime,

knowing that her kids would
have to take care of her.

She's always been
selfish and narcissistic.

Mm. So, her name's Carrie,

and she grew up just outside of Lanford,

so she's a local, and she's a quilter.

Thanks for waiting.

Well, caring for people
suffering from dementia

requires a lot of patience.

Yeah. Save the spiel.

I'm Jackie. I'm the daughter.

Um, so let's get down to it.

Obviously, you're qualified.

Uh, but for what you charge,

you're gonna have to
actually cure her dementia,

and, uh, even so, I... I'm not
really sure it's worth it.

Well, I know this is a
difficult time for you, Jackie.

It's a big financial burden.

But I'm highly trained,

and there's nothing
your mom can throw at me

that I can't handle.

You'll get to stop worrying,

and I'll give her the care
and dignity she deserves.

Okay, well, what if we did the care

and then, the dignity, we just...

But what would that cost me?

Look, give me a week.

If you don't think it's worth it,

at the worst, your mom
got one good week of care.

Mm. Well, yeah.

I mean, I do like the idea

of my mom getting used to good care

and then taking it away.

It's refreshing you don't even try

to cover up your resentment.

Oh, no, this is her
covering up her resentment.

So, I'll call you
later with the details.

Thank you.

- I'll see you tomorrow night.
- Mm.

I can't believe

I'm actually even
considering doing this.

I'm gonna have to spend
every dime I've ever saved.

Maybe even take out a loan
against the restaurant.

Oh, man, now that I know what it costs,

maybe I should let my
dad eat whatever he wants.

♪

I don't want to wake him up,
but he's on my calculus book.

I really need it.

Well, think about how grumpy
he gets when you wake him up,

and then ask yourself,

"Am I ever really gonna use calculus?"

Just pull it out real fast, you know,

like that tablecloth trick.

Wow. I... I think it really helps

- when the tablecloth is hungover.
- [Chuckles]

Well, he's gotta go to work.

We have to wake him up, right?

Hey. Come on, buddy.

- We got a pallet...
- [Door closes]

... full of low-flush toilets
to unload. [Sighs]

You know, when I hear out
loud what I do for a living,

I get a little sad.

I need to sleep.

Go away. I'll finish the pipes tonight.

This is not like my dad.

He's an early riser.

Now he can't even get up off the
couch and he's disoriented?

I'm gonna let him sleep
now, but, you know,

we gotta ambush him at his place later.

I'm not gonna let him
keep doing what he's doing

all the way to the hospital.

Well, it's a good idea,

but I'm gonna leave that up to you guys

'cause I double-dog-dared him

to eat Slim Jims yesterday,

so... telling him to
take care of himself

would be kind of a mixed
message coming from me.

[Country music plays]

♪

- [Cellphone ringing]
- [Music stops]

Oh, hey, Darlene.

Everything okay?

Great. Can't talk right now.

I'm at the casino.

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

It sounds like that 'cause
I just stepped outside.

No, I'm totally fine.

Yeah, I'm k*lling it
at the blackjack table,

but I'll be over later tonight.

I gotta go. I see some people I know.

What the hell is going on, Dad?

Why wouldn't you want us
to know that you're home?

That's my business.

Why are you spying on me?

We didn't come to
spy. We came to ambush.

Because we're worried about you.

You're out every night

doing fun things I'm not invited to.

The only night I went out
was bowling with Chuck.

Then why do you keep
coming over so late at night

to work on the plumbing?

'Cause that's when I want to do it.

But you're not even doing it.

You're just falling asleep on the couch.

I... It doesn't make any sense,

unless you don't know
how to fix the pipes

and you're just too
embarrassed to admit it.

I know how to fix the pipes.

I just needed to sleep, alright?! Damn!

I don't get it.

- [Sighs]
- Why do you have to sleep at our place?

Because it's the only place I can sleep.

I started having trouble when
Louise went on tour last month.

Alright, so you miss Louise.

Why didn't you just tell us?

Because that's not the problem.

Louise came home for
a few days last week

and I still couldn't sleep.

Okay, then you've got insomnia.

We'll get you a sleep machine.

No, that's not the problem either.

Good God, man, throw me a bone here.

These are good guesses.

Look, ever since your mother d*ed,

it started running through my head

that bad things could happen to you guys

any time when I'm not around.

And then you all moved out.

And I can't sleep unless
I know you all are safe.

Oh, my God, Dan.

That is so sweet. Thank you.

I'm not talking about you, meathead.

I'm talking about my family.

You should have just told us.

Told you what?

That I'm a grown man

who's scared of his
thoughts in the night?

You'll never hear that from me.

Dan, she just did.

I'm still very tired. Leave me alone.

Dad, you've been around our whole lives

and tons of bad things have happened.

And we got through it because
you have done a great job

- teaching us to be self-sufficient.
- Mm.

Except for the part where
we can't hold down a job...

- [Sighs]
- and have to move back home.

This is an easy problem to solve, Dad.

Just come over and stay at our house

- until you work through this.
- No.

I need to tough it out
and sleep in my own bed.

Good for you.

And you guys will take
turns sleeping on the couch

till I can shake this thing.

Alright, I'll sleep over first.

Oh, I don't care what happens to you.

You can be anywhere.

He's mean to me because he loves me.

Now I see where you get it from.

♪

Oh, Carrie just texted.

The week is up, so she's stopping by

to see if I can keep her on or not,

which I really can't.

So, um, what's your evening like?

I have to babysit Grandpa tonight.

- You people are slowly k*lling me.
- Mm.

Oh, well, uh, you didn't
have to physically return her.

She needs fresh air.

And I need to go over
some things with you.

- Mm.
- Okay.

Here we go. Okay.

Alright, just an update...

her vitals are good,
she's eating better,

and her blood pressure is nice and low.

Don't you got any good news?

She's gonna need some physical therapy

for that improperly healed broken arm.

Broken arm? When did that happen?

Mm. I think a pretty good while ago.

But you need to ask her.

She didn't want to talk about it.

I just got her medical records.

Okay. Well, does this
mention the burns she got

from when Dorothy
threw the water on her?

Hello, Jackie. [Laughs]

Oh, you remember who I am.

Okay, so, Mom, what is all this about

you breaking your arm in ?

That's before we moved
in with Nana Mary.

We were still living with Dad.

Christiana. Elgin. Third floor...

Okay. Okay. Calm down.

- Calm down, beautiful mind.
- Yeah.

So while we're going through this,

you want something to eat, or...?

I wouldn't eat anything in
this ptomaine tabernacle.

Mm. Moving on.

"Patient brought in to
hospital by mother..."

That's Nana Mary.

"With her two young
girls. Refuses cast."

- [Sighs]
- Well, that's why it never healed right.

Why in the world would
you say no to a cast?

I don't want to talk about this.

How did you break your
arm in the first place?

Why didn't Dad bring you in?

- Where was Dad?
- I don't know.

Stop asking questions.

Mom, did Dad do this?

Why do you keep asking?

I didn't want you to know what he did.

He was gonna hit you, and I stopped him,

and he broke my arm.

Oh, my God.

That's why we moved in with Nana Mary.

Well, I couldn't let him hurt you two.

You girls didn't do anything.
You were just little girls.

Stop making me talk about this.

- I need to leave.
- Okay.

Mom, Mom. I... I just...

I had no idea. Thank you.

- I... I need to go.
- Okay.

Well, Carrie's gonna take you
home and stay with you tonight,

and, um, she's gonna be
helping us from now on.

Don't worry, Beverly. I'm right here.

Not that arm, dummy. That's the bad arm.

What kind of a nurse are you?

Come on.

- Thanks.
- Everything okay?

Yeah. It's just that...

that milkshake's gonna cost you $ .

♪

How's your stew?

You mean the roadkill
they throw into a pot

with a couple of carrots? Terrible.

Forget about that.

I brought you something very special.

Aww, you didn't have
to do that, Grandma Bev.

You don't know this, but this
is my late husband's watch.

I want you to have it.

No, you don't.