Love & Air Sex (2013)

[bunniefuu]

Do you have

a preference here?

Um, I...

I don't, do you?

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna be honest,

I just don't know anything.

I know absolutely

nothing about wines. Okay.

I'll tell you how I

make my decision. Uh-huh?

I go...

Cheapest? No, the second

cheapest.

This is a date,

okay? I'm trying to...

You know, I'm trying to...

So, second cheapest. Right.

Second cheapest.

Is that cool?

What do you, um...

So, what are you

doing after this?

Do you have plans?

Do you have another...

I'm free, I'm free. Oh, good.

I'm glad to hear that, because...

I don't know, you seem to be having a

good time. I'm having a very good time.

Thanks.

Thank you so much.

Enjoy.

That's the weird thing

that you like to order.

Yeah, I think you'll

love it. It's a liver pate.

Oh, that sounds good.

Liver pate.

It was just,

I wanted to thank you.

Oh, no, no,

no, absolutely.

Don't mind us. Oh, I'm

so sorry, sir. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You don't have to apologize

that much, he's gonna be okay.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

What are you, um...

So what do you...

I saw a dash of fear.

So they take the...

Okay, I get a little...

I swear!

Oh, God, I actually feel

completely comfortable,

it's just... Oh.

I...

I can tell you...

This is what it's like.

This is what you can afford.

What I can afford?

Here, I'll clean it up.

What is wrong

with you, dude?

That's really shitty.

No, that's... Nope.

It's already rough.

I not gonna do that,

that's crazy.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

f*ck.

f*ck it.

You've reached

the voice mailbox of...

My fat d*ck!

Jeff! What's up, man?

It's Stan.

Uh, been a while! Listen...

Guess who's coming

to Austin tomorrow?

Oh, crazy,

last-minute thing, but, I...

I miss you, bud.

So, wondered if you could

pick me up at the airport.

I'll text you the details.

Sorry it's out of the blue,

but, um...

It'll be good to see you,

and your fat d*ck!

That's me?

Hey!

What the f*ck, Stan?

Hey...

What are you doing here?

I'm in town

for the weekend!

The douchebag

isn't picking you up, is he?

You mean Jeff? Don't

say his name, I just ate.

Okay, what's going on?

Are you guys not together?

No, we're not,

actually, ever, ever again.

So, what are you

doing here?

You're joking, right?

What?

Hmm, this is accidental,

you showing up in Austin,

this weekend, out of all weekends?

What are you talking about?

Are you trying to lie to

me right now, Stan? What?

sh*t.

Who's that?

I just... I miss her, Kara.

I miss her so bad.

And I just felt like if I...

She has made a lot of progress

these past six months,

no thanks to you

and your little "second thought,

I'm depressed" blues. I am depressed.

I know you are, but you are not gonna

call her. You're not gonna text her.

No coming by my house,

no El Azteca.

No Dog & Duck. Okay, wait, wait, wait...

Okay, no! No. You are not

here. Do you understand me?

She doesn't own Austin.

No, I do.

It really feels like

you're taking sides here.

Just get the f*ck

out of here!

I've gotta get this bitch

to buy me some brisket.

Are you gonna

leave her alone?

It's a small town.

Stan,

I don't know if you can see me,

It says Backdoor Tacos on it, I have my

left hand extended. Can you be more specific?

Mmm, I don't see you. Um... It's

green, there's some tassels on it.

Uh, I'm sitting in the

front seat. Hey, buddy.

Brought the truck?

What happened to your car?

Car was repoed, kind of a

sensitive subject, please get in.

Um, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I like your hair.

I don't.

So, have you seen

Jeff at all?

Nope.

Have you guys talked?

Nope.

You know she has

a superpower?

Did you know that?

She has a superpower.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

She can make

a check turn invisible

when it lands on the table.

I swear to God, man.

One time I sat there

for f*cking 45 minutes.

I was just curious, I just wanted

to see what was gonna happen.

She's just sipping

her water and chatting.

The waiter comes over and he's like,

"Excuse me, I'd like to close out now. "

And she's just sipping

her water and chatting.

Finally, I pick her f*cking

thing up and she says,

"Oh, thank you

so much, sweetie!"

Like all of a sudden,

the check f*cking exists.

f*ck that sh*t!

So, otherwise you've

been good? So good, man.

I love being

single so much.

What about you?

How's New York?

Oh, um...

Fine.

Classes?

Interesting.

Really hard.

Dr. Morgan.

So dope!

What?

Yeah, in like six years.

What's up with you,

man, huh?

Coochie, coochie-coo!

Really?

Any guys that are

worth a sh*t?

Oh, my God, dude,

the girls in LA...

Really?

Woo!

I'm not really in the state of

mind where I think I'd notice.

Well, you have come to

Austin, Texas on a good night,

because I've lined

something up for this evening

that will have us

literally eating p*ssy.

I don't think you mean...

Dude, don't doubt on...

Oh, you'll notice.

Tonight, you'll notice.

What! Get out of my holes!

Oh, man.

Thanks!

No problem. You got it?

Yes.

Okay.

Um, what is that?

Oh, yeah.

That's Jeff's sh*t.

I threw it out.

And he just left it here?

He's too scared to come by.

This is it?

Yep.

Hop out.

Why?

'Cause my door doesn't work,

you have to get out. Still?

Yeah, still.

So, how do you

know this guy?

It's Redge.

Who's Redge?

Redge, he's...

He's old-school.

Yeah,

you spread it.

You spread it and then you f*ck

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What up? Dude, you gotta see this, dude.

Okay, okay.

You have to see this.

Stan, this is Joe.

Yo!

Oh, hey, man.

What's up, dude?

You live here, too?

Neat. This is Redge,

over here. He owns the place.

Hey, what's up... Hollywood!

Hey.

I'm gonna sleep on the couch,

you're gonna sleep on the floor.

Cool, thanks, man,

I appreciate it.

Yeah, man,

no problem, just,

the toilet doesn't work so

you've gotta pee-pee in the sink

and poo-poo at 7-Eleven.

Fantastic.

Joseph, let's see it.

Yeah!

She's so f*cking wet,

look at that!

f*ck, yeah. Now, turn

around, make her eat your ass.

Ass-eating time,

munch it.

It's time.

Oh, yeah, f*ck her.

Ahh! Yeah, that's it,

that's it! Ooh!

Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

All right, all right.

That was fun.

What was that?

Oh, he nailed it.

It's air sex.

What is that, air sex? You

don't know what air sex...

I thought you said

he was from LA?

It's kind of a big deal. Okay.

Focus on me

right now, guys.

Does this take place

on the astral plane?

Or in a fantasy world?

No, this happens

here in real life.

Do the laws of physics

apply here? Absolutely.

Here's what

I'm seeing.

Whoa, what are you

seeing? I'm seeing you

laying on the ground

being sixty-nined,

and then when you say

"Have her eat your ass. "

You sit up, she's

magically underneath you.

Are you f*cking a ghost?

Let's all slow down.

Nobody's done a f*cking ghost routine,

that's a good idea, we should do a

ghost routine. Listen, okay, that's fine,

but if you're gonna f*ck a ghost, we

have to introduce in the first act,

not the third act,

that you're f*cking a ghost.

Unless we're doing an

M. Night Shyamalama thing...

We are not gonna do an

M. Night Shyamalama thing!

Did I tell you how many guys I

slept with after our last breakup?

No?

Seven.

Wow!

Yep.

That's kind of

a lot, right?

It's... It's not a little.

So you're gonna do that in

front of hundreds of people?

Yeah.

Okay. That's ridiculous.

Right. You do know that, right?

No, no, I do,

I do, I do.

I know that it's

ridiculous to win the finals

and get a month

of free alcohol.

Horny college girls knowing

that we know how to f*ck?

It's silly, actually.

Okay, guys, order up!

Backdoor Tacos never die!

They just multiply.

Ah, muchas gracias!

Look, man, can we just go to a

regular bar, like the Dog & Duck?

The Dog & Duck

suck and f*ck?

f*ck that place.

What do you mean,

"f*ck that place"?

He lost it in the divorce.

Shut the f*ck up, Joey.

Just wanted some other

d*ck, you know? Yeah...

Like, I live

with Jeff's d*ck.

It's just so familiar.

I see his pee coming

out of it and I'm like,

"Oh, I have sex

with that sometimes. "

It's like an appliance.

Like a microwave.

Like a tiny

little microwave.

It's tiny?

Oh, like the fist of a preemie. Ew.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Stan's is...

Is what?

Is huge?

No.

Is hairy?

No.

Is it all crooked?

What?

Hey, I once had sex

with this guy

whose d*ck was so crooked it

looked like a question mark

whenever he got hard.

Oh! What do you

want to know, little lady?

No, it's...

It's perfect.

No, Cath,

"Was", okay?

You gotta put that d*ck

in the past tense.

No, I know.

Losing the sex stuff

and the relationship stuff,

it's been hard.

But losing the friendship's

been the worst.

And I could really use a

friend up there right now.

Oh, buddy.

Sometimes I just wanna

check in with him, you know.

Yeah.

Hear about

what he's doing.

Okay, come here.

Stand here.

No reason to be

nervous, okay?

We're gonna do something

very, very simple.

It's not even sexual,

okay? I just want you to

do a little

exercise with me.

Huh?

We're just doing some Tai

Chi, that's all this is.

Is this weird?

Yeah, this is weird.

Well, that's on you,

my friend.

Okay. Now, we're just gonna

make a little adjustment.

I just want you to turn

your hands inward, like that.

Huh? Now look

what happened!

There it is!

What's all this, now?

Oh, my gosh, we're having

sex with a beautiful woman.

Wow, so beautiful. Yeah,

man, just go with that.

Now just

elaborate on that.

You can be

the best sex guy ever,

your d*ck can be 30 feet

Daredevil, man.

Dude, go with that!

Aah! Aah!

Wet her whistle, man.

Jingle her bells.

My d*ck is so big!

This is her face, that's

her ass, go. You see that?

Oh, it's good, it's good,

you're really good.

Help, get into it, though,

like, join me.

'Cause that's her ass and this is

her... That's okay, you do this one.

I'll take the next one,

you do this one. Ooh!

Come on.

Yeah, there it is.

That was her head, I think.

No, I've got her head.

You're going in the ass. Okay.

Look. Let's try

something over here.

Okay.

Oh! You are so

f*cking pretty, Cathy!

What? No!

Yeah!

I'm serious, dude.

This is gonna sell like crazy

once I get it on my site.

Of course it will!

It's gorgeous!

Oh.

Who's that?

Just some loser

who won't leave me alone.

All right.

Work it, bitch!

But it's true, though,

in Africa they...

There's many cultures,

there's a bunch of countries...

Hey. Hey, guys?

Why don't we just, like,

hit up a bunch

of different bars?

You know, just stop at a bunch

of places, get sh*ts at each one,

I'll buy sh*ts.

Stan, I understand if you want

to sit out on the bench tonight.

I get that you have body-shame

issues, you've got fat knees,

that's not your fault,

all right?

But it doesn't mean you can't still

bang some strange this evening, buddy.

Okay, yeah. It's been

a long time

since you entered

the field of battle,

that's true.

Uh-huh.

And you're worried about

hatching out of your shell

before you're

fully incubated.

Nobody likes preemies,

they're disgusting.

That's not

gonna be an issue,

because I'm gonna give you a couple

of arrows to put into your quiver.

That's going to help you

to bring down the big game.

Maybe pick one metaphor?

Okay.

I'm just assuming that

you... Follow me here, Stan.

Girls guard the vag*na.

Yeah, they guard it

with their life.

Okay? So we have

to guard the penis.

Oh, okay. Like a hockey goal, you know?

He doesn't like metaphors.

The puck is the vag*na.

He doesn't like them, so

we're not gonna use metaphors.

Stan?

You've gotta let them know

they can't have this.

Because people always want what they

can't have. What they can't have...

See? So, you've gotta be an assh*le!

Yeah, but not a giant assh*le. Right.

You can't be

an unfuckable assh*le,

you have

to be discreet.

You have to

say things to women

that appear nice at

first... Very discreet.

Right. They appear nice, but

really, they're kind of mean.

Do y'all have a tab?

Jenkins.

Woo, that is a serious

STD sandwich.

Who cares about them,

this is our night, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Here is to home.

This will always be home,

no matter what.

Boom! ATX in the hizzle!

Little bit weird!

How's it going, ladies?

Wow, you girls

look really pretty.

I'm sorry, are you lost?

You're

funny, I like your hair.

And your tats.

You wanna dance?

Mmm, no.

Oh. Why?

Is your boyfriend here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

He's an idiot!

Okay, so,

for example, um...

You would say something like,

"That's a beautiful dress you have on,

"it really makes

your ass look small. "

Or, like my friend says,

"You're a fat ass,

"but you're really not

that big. "

Or, "Hey, is that

a beauty mark,

"or do you just have

some sh*t on your face?"

That's really good.

That's really...

Can I use that?

Yeah, of course.

That's a good line.

Essentially, what

we're doing, Stan,

is we're lowering

their self-esteem

so that then they look

to us for validation

and we can...

you tell girls they're ugly so

they'll want to have sex with you.

Yeah.

In a nutshell.

Oh! Geez, um... Oh, I'm

so sorry, are you okay?

Yeah, it's... I...

Oh, my goodness, here.

Take that for you.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, can I

get you another drink?

Uh, no, that's okay...

I mean, I think you look

like you need another drink.

Um...

Here, have some of mine.

No, I'm fine.

No, no, no,

no roofies in this one.

On that note,

I'm gonna leave you.

You know what?

You k*lled that.

Oh.

Excuse me,

two vodka tonics, please. No,

actually, I was just about to, um...

To go.

Oh, are you?

I wonder if I could possibly

make this any more awkward.

No, no, it's not you,

it's just...

Oh, my God,

my friend is...

Oh, humping my brother

on the dance floor.

What? That's

your brother?

Unfortunately, yes.

Wow, that just made

this way more awkward.

I knew we could do it.

Here, cheers.

Who's this?

Um...

Give the girl

some room.

You got a text.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, we have

an assh*le!

He's blowing right

into an assh*le!

Unbelievable!

Now he's getting another guy

to suck the weed out of the ass!

All right.

Hey, hey.

Now look, all right,

all right, all right.

Now, look. I've shown

you what I can do up here.

Huh, huh, huh?

Now it's time

for you to show me

what you can do, huh?

Come on.

Huh? Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, come on,

no, don't sit down.

Dude, you've gotta get

up there, it's your time.

You've been practicing,

you're the man.

You're the diamond in

the rough, you can shine!

The air wants to f*ck,

and you must f*ck the air.

You must f*ck the air.

You must f*ck the air.

You must f*ck the air!

You must f*ck the air!

You must f*ck the air!

What are you doing?

Okay, so,

that's why you came.

I will f*ck the air!

Now I know

why you're here.

I was gonna

tell you, dude, I just...

Oh, yeah.

f*ck the air

like a stallion, my friend!

Can I say something?

Oh, speak.

Uh, this is gonna go out

to my ex-girlfriend

who recently kicked me

out of my house.

Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Kara Jenkins?

You can't get this d*ck!

That's what's up!

Put

your hands together

for Mr. Fuckasaurus Sex!

Yeah.

Do it.

What you got

down there?

I'm such a terrible friend.

No, you're not.

No.

Yes, I am.

I am.

Well, maybe today,

but not usually.

It's just so hard!

It's so hard,

it's so hard to be

friends with both of you,

I love you both

so much!

Don't cry, sweet girl.

I love you, Cathy.

Oh, Ralphie's here.

That's it, that's it.

Why am I such a bitch sometimes?

Oh, no, you're not a bitch.

Mmm, you're sexy.

You're so sweet...

What the f*ck?

What are you doing?

Kissing your tears away.

You think your fish face is

gonna make me feel better?

Come on, buddy.

So he came all the way

to Austin just to see me?

Half creepy,

half romantic.

Good old Stan.

I cannot see him tonight.

I'm not ready.

She's just like

a young Goldie Hawn.

Okay.

In Wildcats.

I mean, I see it.

Just, so hot.

The coach, right?

So feisty!

Do you

wanna go home?

No! No, that is not

why I came here.

I came here

to have fun.

To have a good time.

Word up.

Let's just go someplace he'd

never go in a million years.

What about them?

Is it just me, or doesn't

he look like that guy

from Midnight Cowboy?

Like Jon Voight.

I love you.

That's a nice ass, huh?

Did you just say

"nice ass"?

No.

Really, that wasn't you?

I... No, I would

never say that.

Oh, well, thanks.

Not that you don't have one,

I'm just... See, you were!

You were looking at my ass. I wasn't!

What happened? Dropped

my phone down there.

Can you not reach it?

Well, do you see it

in my hand?

You don't

have to do that.

It's fine.

I've been out here for like, 20

minutes and nobody's offered to help.

Yeah, people suck.

They really do.

Nice ass, by the way.

Wait, hold on.

Maybe this comes off.

Uh, I don't know...

Yeah...

Thanks.

Um...

Right. Oh, hold on, you

might step on it, so...

Can I use your phone?

Can I call it? Yep.

I'll see it

light up, and...

Thanks.

213, LA, really?

Yeah, why?

Whoa!

Wicked.

Oh, okay, uh...

Got it!

Oh, yes!

Thanks.

Yeah. Oh, ah...

You got some...

Oh, okay.

What?

Nothing.

Well, thank you.

Yeah.

You are a good Samaritan.

Is that yours?

This?

No, I just found it and I

thought, it looked pretty cool.

So, you are a musician?

Yeah, I play the cello

and I sing.

Cello and vocals! I've never

seen anyone do that. That's cool.

Well, if you come to

the Ale House tomorrow

you could be the only

person in Austin to see it.

I just played a show

to a bartender.

Oh, that sucks.

I'd love to come.

Uh, that would be awesome.

Yeah. I, um...

I don't really have a car

here, so I'm a little bit...

Oh, don't worry about it.

If you can't make it, totally

fine, but call me because

I think I owe you

a thank-you drink.

Okay, did you wanna

give me your, uh...

213, remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, 213.

Are you texting

your boyfriend?

Mmm-hmm.

Tell him it's over.

Tell him you found

a real man.

No, Ralphie.

That right there,

that is a real man.

How you're related

to him, I do not know.

Maybe your mom forgot to put in her diaphragm

while she was working the donkey show.

Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha.

Go get me another

drink, Eeyore.

You got it.

Whoo!

I can't believe you

know how to do that.

Lessons for two years.

Ready for a drink?

Oh.

Um, sure.

Okay.

So, um, what made you decide

to take two-stepping lessons?

Well, not what, who.

Who?

Oh.

What?

My ex-wife.

Two Buds, please.

Oh!

Okay.

Yeah.

Could've used a little record

skipping sound effect right there.

No, no, no, no.

Not at all.

Not at all.

Divorce,

In fact, let's change it.

What about you?

Um...

What's your favorite

color? Purple?

Mine's... Personally,

I like tangerine.

Look, uh...

I feel like that's my color.

Oh, yeah.

Let's hear it for,

Poke-a-Hot-Ass.

Quiet.

Not cool.

And now,

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Fuckasaurus Sex!

I think we've got

ourselves a winner!

So, sorry, honey.

You're going to

the finals, man.

How do you feel?

How do you feel?

I feel f*cking

awesome right now.

Redge, did you get that?

Got that sh*t like Spielberg.

What the f*ck even is this?

What?

Nothing.

Let me see?

I wanna see.

Get off my sh*t.

I wanna know.

I wanna know all

your secrets.

Oh, God.

Confess them to me.

Confess them to you?

Yeah.

We can cry together

in a field.

Okay.

Like...

Okay.

You want to know

what turns me on?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Doing bad things in public.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Take it out.

Okay.

What?

Take it out.

I don't know.

Mmm-hmm.

But all these

people can see.

I know. It's what

gets me so wet.

I don't know.

Come on, Ralphie,

show it to me.

Can I get it

erect first?

Do you wanna have

sex tonight or what?

Oh!

Hey! No, hey!

Hey!

Whoa. Thanks.

That's right! Man of the hour,

ladies and gentlemen.

Stan!

Stan, Stan, Stan.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be balls

deep in Cathy by now.

Yeah, that's not

gonna happen.

No, it's not gonna

happen, is it, Stan?

Although it is a shame that

you flew all the way to Texas

to stalk a girl who doesn't

even wanna be stalked.

I didn't come here

to stalk her.

No? You came here to see me.

That's amazing, Stan.

That's awesome. Hi!

Hold this, please.

Hello, ladies.

How you doing?

Hey, I just wanna say I thought

that you did absolutely incredible.

Whatever, Dinocock.

f*ck off.

Uh. I am not kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I'm just on our

way out, so...

Oh, well, if we would have

had your candy-ass cheerleaders

on our side then

maybe we would have.

Okay, can I speak with

you for a second?

No, no.

Um, yeah.

No, no.

Okay.

Seriously?

Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Yeah. Okay.

How do you do it?

What?

How do you do the splits?

Oh! Um...

Drill team.

Drill team?

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you, um...

Can you teach me?

What?

Those teabags are

looking at us.

Oh!

It's on, bro.

Oh, hell yeah,

it's on, bro.

Is there something

on my face?

No.

It's just beautiful.

Oh!

We don't need you all to

be doing no p*rn in here.

We are so sorry.

He might have had a few too

many drinks this evening.

This is a family place.

We completely understand.

Nicely done, guys.

Oh, God. What? Are you serious? Perfect.

Deal's a deal.

Of course, I'm serious.

You know, I'm...

Come on, Timmy, you're

not the boss of me.

Leave the girl alone.

All right, all right.

Let's go home.

All right. Whatever.

All right?

Yes.

No, no.

No, she said yes. Dude!

All right, out the door.

Ladies, we'll be outside.

This is...

Just let me go.

I know.

Are you... That little weirdo's

d*ck is f*cking enormous.

I don't care if it's

six feet long.

You're just gonna

leave me here?

I'm leaving you with

the "Midnight Cowboy".

And I am taking

one for the team.

This isn't college anymore.

Pretend.

You are getting horny.

Very horny.

Have fun.

I will if you will.

Cool, bro.

All right, let him go.

Ah!

Hey.

Oh, God. Oh, my...

Bye, Katie.

I did this for you.

It's Cathy.

Where are they?

I don't see 'em and they

were following us, right?

Jeff, they were

following us, yeah?

They will be here.

Stan?

Hmm?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

My name is Stan. I made a

mistake and I want you back.

That was an excellent

impersonation of me.

That was... It was like

looking in a mirror.

Here they come.

Here they come.

Yes.

It's all right. Bring it

on, ladies. Bring it in.

Come on, right here.

Maybe I wasn't even thinking

about her just now, dude.

Maybe I was thinking

about another girl.

Like, maybe a girl

I met tonight.

I don't know, maybe she

gave me her number.

Why are you just telling

me this just now?

Well, suddenly

you're interested.

Did you tell her that she

had sh*t on her face?

No, she did

that to me.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

What are you doing here with

your d*ck in your pants?

You should have your d*ck

in her mouth, buddy.

Come on, this is good.

This is good.

I love this.

Very good.

I will take you...

Oh, yes. I will take you.

You wanna do that?

Okay, let's do...

Mule train?

No, I'm all right.

Okay, okay. Well...

No thanks.

Okay.

So, Stan,

there are four guys and three girls and

you have a phone number in your pocket.

I think you need to

make a phone call.

Now... You got a short window,

buddy, you need to lay some track.

I don't...

Hello.

Ooh!

I don't... I think I'm just

gonna text, dude, right?

Probably texting is better

at this stage 'cause,

you know...

Oh, I wish I had her email.

Ooh, I'm sorry. That's

been broken for a while.

Oh, yeah.

There's a 7-Eleven I could walk

you to to finish your business.

Come here.

I think that something

is moving in there.

You should see the

bathroom, totally gross.

What's she doing?

Ground. So that's it.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Dude, you can do it.

Absolutely.

All right.

Just need to breathe.

It does not look that hard.

Breathing, that's not

gonna be an issue

I've been breathing

since I was born.

Look. Already half way.

Half way to finals.

No!

That's final, right there.

That was incredible.

What?

What is that?

My God, that's

a hairy python.

No, that's not a python.

That's a d*ck.

Oh, thank God.

So, this is you.

Yeah, this is...

This is me.

Good night.

Yes.

Yes.

Good night.

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, we're gonna do

that one more time. Yes.

Let me go ahead

and give you my card.

Cool. Give me a phone call, anytime.

You're a veterinarian?

I am a doctor

of small animals.

Don't I look like one?

Oh, you absolutely do.

Yeah. Like, even

from that angle?

Oh, especially

from that angle.

I'm a... I'm

in med school.

No kidding. That's funny. Yeah.

What made you become

a vet? That's funny.

I worked with dogs

in the Marines.

Yeah. b*mb sniffing

dogs, just kinda...

Just like fell

into it.

You were in

the Marines?

Yeah, yeah. But the dogs started

making better conversations

than some of those

jarheads I was working with.

Right. So I had to get out

of there as fast as I could.

So, that makes

you like a...

A vet vet.

Yes.

Yes, it does.

Wow.

I had fun tonight.

Yeah, I did, too.

Well, let's

do it again.

Thank you for the dance.

Thank you

for the dance.

Oh, come on,

I don't hear anything.

Hey, guys.

How's it going?

You guys hear anything in there,

I don't think they're f*cking.

Oh, hey, dude.

Hey, they're not f*cking.

I didn't give up my room

for you guys not to f*ck.

Let's go.

It's just really gross here.

It's like so gross.

I can't get the keys because she's

got them in there with that creep.

Hey, I got brews here

if you wanna...

No, I'm all right.

No, no, you have them.

What is it?

Is it real?

Is it from the internet?

I mean, have you seen

a penis this big before?

Could you put

that away, please?

Whoa!

If you don't get out of the

bedroom right now, we're leaving!

Hey, um...

Can I take you to breakfast

in the morning? What?

No, I wanna take you to my Saturday

place. Please, please, please.

I love talking to you so much so I just

want to keep this conversation going on.

Uh.

Please?

I'll think about it.

Okay.

Do you like migas?

Hey, beautiful, don't

knock so hard. f*ck off.

It was... So sorry.

Yeah. Oh, yeah,

I bet you're sorry.

I wanna get the f*ck

out of here.

Hey, honey, I think I

see something on your face

Don't touch me!

What the f*ck

just happened?

I thought I got her wet...

I think she loved you.

I was clear on that.

Yeah, that was well played.

Yeah?

Captain fucker, you were only

in there for seven minutes.

You're a badass.

f*ck!

Where are you going?

El Azteca.

El Azteca?

You wanna wait

for me, man?

Mmm.

This is so good.

You cannot find migas

like this in New York.

Ugh!

Why did you let

me drink so much?

So, what happened

with Ralphie?

We tried.

I threw up.

All over his face.

Oh, God, Kara.

And he actually wanted

to keep going.

Can you believe that?

Puke all over his

face and he's like,

"I don't mind. "

You always get

the normal ones.

Okay.

You ready?

For breakfast? Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah.

Okay, yeah. Out.

My door doesn't open. Out.

Okay.

Okay.

Speaking of which,

did you guys do it?

No.

Why not?

Because I'm not...

Like me?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, it's okay. If it wasn't for

sluts no one would get laid, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I want you to be the better person in

this situation. Don't touch my face.

No. What...

What situation?

He's here.

He just came

through the door.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Be strong.

Is he alone?

Um...

I'm gonna go say hi to a

friend over there. Okay.

And I will be right back.

If I turn around and he is with

some whore... Just be strong, Kara.

I swear I'll burn this f*cking place

Okay, breathe.

Breathe.

He's coming over.

Hey!

Take the knives.

Put them in your purse.

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Whoa!

Jeff!

Crazy!

So good to see you.

Hello, Kara.

Oh, well.

Hey there.

What a surprise.

Yeah!

How are you?

So good.

I'm so good.

Yeah, how you doing?

I'm never been better.

Yeah.

'Cause you look so good.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank you.

Especially in that

video last night.

Oh!

Yeah, very impressive.

Yes. Well, I'm going

to the finals.

Oh!

Wow!

I know.

Congratulations.

And I see you've

taken up photography.

That's great.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, sure have.

What did you think?

I loved it. Great composition, just

really good lighting all around.

It was really nice work.

Although I notice he's not

here to buy you breakfast.

That's not too classy.

No, no.

But I think it's really classy

that you've bought breakfast

for the little she-whore that

you slept with last night.

Yeah.

She's the best.

Yeah. You know,

she looks really familiar.

She really looks like

someone that I know.

Yes.

Oh!

I know who. Me!

Oh, okay.

You're right.

I mean, it's...

It's really kinda true.

I'm sorry.

Kinda pathetic, Jeff.

Kind of Vertigo.

You gonna dress her

up in my clothes, too?

No, I would never do that.

I don't even

like your clothes.

So...

Well, we know my guy

didn't look like you.

At least not downstairs.

You guys have

a good breakfast.

That was so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, f*ck.

What?

Ow!

God, she even

looks like me.

No, she really doesn't.

Oh, I see.

Hey, don't go in there. Hey,

really don't go inside, please.

I will k*ll you!

Do you understand?

Oh, my God.

I will f*ck you up.

He's gone. He's gone.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Oh, you got a...

You got a chip.

Take your phone out.

What?

Take your phone out.

Take your phone out. Why?

Okay.

Pull up Cathy's number.

Got it?

Yeah.

Delete on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

You know what, that...

I think that actually

feels good.

You okay?

She drinks my cum, man.

She actually likes it.

Where am I gonna find somebody

who's that cool ever again?

It's...

No. Yeah, that's

really cool of her.

Yep. Okay. We're moving on.

We're moving on up,

like the mother-f*cking

Jeffersons.

Okay, men.

Yeah, let's

get f*cked up.

We are not leaving

this apartment

till we come up with an air

sex routine that is so depraved

and so sick that we will be ashamed

to look our own mothers in the eye

for another year.

Maybe this is a coincidence,

but I was just sitting here thinking,

"What am I gonna do

for dinner tonight?"

That sounds like

fate to me.

Well, I was probably just gonna

microwave this gas station burrito.

Setting the timer now, but I'm

thinking between the two of us,

we could come up with something

better than that, right?

Right. I'll come by around eight, okay?

Okay, bye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that voice.

I may have to wring

out my panties.

Kara, what am I doing?

What do you mean?

You're moving on up,

like the mother-f*cking

Jeffersons.

Okay, guys, you know what

we're gonna do tonight?

What we're gonna do is

we're gonna break free.

We're gonna break free

from their petty needling.

We're gonna break free from their

impossibly high expectations,

and their f*cking harassment

about what lamp is gonna

look better in that corner.

f*ck that corner.

f*ck that corner. Guys, I

really need you on my team

and I feel great about tonight.

Can we do this together?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stan, am I bothering you?

Nope.

Who are you texting?

Nobody.

Hey!

Is it someone with a vag*na?

Nope. Let's do this.

Let's f*ck the air.

Yeah, you must f*ck the air.

You must f*ck the air!

You must f*ck the air!

You are a miracle worker.

Mmm-hmm.

I've got boobs.

Normally, it's just like two

sensitive freckles.

Ooh! I'll get it.

Help! Help!

Oh, what?

Now, listen, okay.

Be careful.

Careful?

Yeah, if his d*ck is as

big as his brother's,

you will be coming home

in a hospital gurney.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Okay, I put condoms in your bag. Kara!

What? Don't be

afraid to say yes.

No, no. I'm going

home tomorrow.

I can't leave you

alone tonight.

Who says I'm gonna be alone?

Not Ralphie?

No, barf-boy,

are you f*cking kidding me?

Hello. Welcome.

Hello. Thank you.

Come in. Come in. O-M-G.

Hi. How you doing? He brought

flowers. Are you from this century?

You totally didn't

need to do this.

See, I did bring flowers, but

they're not for you, they're for you.

I'm sorry. I would have got

you flowers, but I didn't.

Oh, um...

It's not funny.

No, it is.

Yeah. He had a moment

the other night,

but he's a real sweet guy.

What?

Right.

Okay!

Bye.

Bye-bye.

All right. All right.

You ready to go?

Bye, Kara.

Be safe.

Yes. Yes.

We will. We will.

Good night.

Goodbye.

Ugh!

So, the Marines...

That's...

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um...

Did you ever...

Go to w*r, sh**t

someone, get stabbed?

Oh, does everybody

ask you that?

All the time. Yeah.

So sorry.

You should be.

So, did you?

You didn't notice

my wooden leg?

No, I took some shrapnel

to the shoulder.

Wall exploded and piece

of pipe lodged in there.

Had to cut it out.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

It sounds worse

than it was but...

Can I see it?

Like, now?

Yeah.

Seriously?

Absolutely.

I... We were, um...

We're studying

wound care in

class right now

and it would be highly,

highly educational.

I think they're

gonna let us in.

Okay, people.

The air sex finals

are beyond sold out.

So,

we're gonna seat the finalists

and their guests first.

So, when I call your name

you can go on in.

Uh, Hugh G. Rection.

p*ssy Juice Cocktail.

I'm a little worried

'cause they've got vaginas,

and that always gives you

the upper hand.

n*zi Assfucker.

You know that girl

I met here, uh,

she's playing a show nearby.

She's been texting me.

Fuckasaurus Rex!

So?

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Okay, whatever. Go.

Insane Clown p*ssy.

So, you're gonna

bail on me again.

Look, I'm not bailing

on you... Yeah, you are.

Donni Darkhole.

I'm going to hang

out with a girl.

Isn't that what you

want me to do

this weekend, right?

Isn't that the whole...

Yeah. You really need me here for this?

You're right.

Go, go. Yeah.

f*ck her in the butt. Okay, so you're

going to hold this against me, really?

Why is it so

important to you?

Yeah, because everything in my life

is going so incredibly right now, dude.

I'm f*cking sleeping

on a couch

and driving around

in a corpse.

I'm sorry I'm not in Beverly

Hills making my dreams come true.

Making my... Right. I'm f*cking

working at a pizza parlor in Pasadena.

So, then you went out there

for no reason. That's...

I moved, dude.

I don't know why you're

taking it so personally.

Because ever since you

broke up with Cathy,

you broke us all up. Things have never

been the same between me and Kara...

That's my fault?

... since you left.

Dude, I'm responsible for my own

f*cked up relationships, not yours.

Right, okay.

What about your

f*cked up friendships?

You know, and another... If this is

all, like weird for you, it makes...

You know, you don't approve

of this, you can ignore me.

'Cause you're f*cking

awesome at it.

Take the booty call, Stan.

Kara?

What... What is this?

What are you doing here?

Go to the show, Stan.

Where's Cathy?

She's out.

What do you mean?

Like with somebody?

She's moving on, Stan.

All right? You should go

and do the same thing.

But...

Oh, sh*t.

Okay.

I know this.

512...

7...

f*ck!

So...

Gonna have to unbutton

my shirt, doctor.

Oh, no.

All right, there you,

there you go.

Oh!

May I?

You're the doctor.

Very nice.

Hmm.

Very nice.

You know, I have

a pretty good one myself.

You're damn well gonna

show it to me.

Now, I'm gonna have to

lift up my skirt.

No.

Yeah.

Don't you dare.

Don't you...

Lift up...

Okay, okay.

That is...

A beauty.

That's...

Yeah.

Softball.

Hmm.

Junior year.

I bumped into the ball

machine while it was spinning

and...

Damn, girl! Hmm.

Yeah.

Um...

Uh, looks like it healed

up pretty good, though.

Yeah!

Now.

Who's next?

Let's see who's next here.

We got...

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Welcome back,

young man. Welcome back.

You got anything to say

before you get started, Sex?

I do, yeah. Uh, this one is also

dedicated to my ex-girlfriend,

uh, Kara, who's a bitch.

And this is about f*cking her

p*ssy, or as I like to call it,

"Visiting Carlsbad camp. "

Ho! Let's go!

Hello!

Biggest p*ssy

in the world!

Paintings on the wall.

How deep is it in there?

I'm in a horrible place!

Are you?

Oh, sh*t.

Are you gonna go up? Uh, no,

I'm just making a phone call.

Can you make it outside so

that we could... Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Justine's?

Yeah, have you been

here before?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, a long time ago.

It's pretty great,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh,

I know I've been a menace

Oh, I know I've been

a trial

And you've washed

your hands of love

But I made a Bible promise

Cross my heart

and hope to die

Till all is blue

I'll be here waiting, honey

What will it be, stumbles?

Uh, just a water.

All right.

So come on

Answer

Why don't you answer?

Answer

There's a summer on

And it's pulling up

the wallpaper

With its wicked drone

And I could sit here with

With just a sliver

of your taffeta

But that is not enough

Oh

I'm screaming

at your door

So come on

Answer

Why don't you answer?

Answer

Oh, my love

I will forever, oh

So little

Withholder

Why don't you answer?

Answer

Thank you.

This,

you don't wanna know what this stuff

is made out of, I assure you, but...

You know, can you actually

give me one quick second?

Of course.

Okay.

Oh, you were f*cking

incredible!

Like, I don't even know

how to put it into words.

I would need so many

different adjectives.

I would need a whole new

combo adjective.

Like you're

fantasi-spectacul-awesome?

That comes close. That

was good.

Well, it's very nice

of you to say that.

Oh, yeah, of course. I don't wanna

lose my good Samaritan status.

Very sweet of you.

Hey, do you wanna smoke?

Oh, uh, no, no,

I'm fine.

Okay.

But go ahead.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. No, I like the smell.

I'll be your look out.

Thank you.

I think everyone else

on this street is stoned,

so you're in good company.

Sorry.

Go ahead, take it.

Oh, no, no.

That's okay.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Actually, you know, is

there any left? Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

Go ahead.

I'll be your look out.

Oh.

Whoa! Man, slow down,

funky town. You okay?

Good, I'm good.

Hugh G. Rection, that's enough,

thank you very, very much.

Whoa!

Man down.

Man down.

That was a very admirable

effort, ladies and gentlemen.

But perhaps we learned that

being intoxicated isn't enough.

You've also gotta

have a story.

Don't come up on this stage

without a story, folks.

That's what we

wanna see, all right?

Who's up next?

Who's up next?

Let me see.

Oh, oh, dirty lady,

you can't come up here.

Get the f*ck off

the stage, you bag lady!

sh*t, really?

Ooh, this is highly

unusual, but...

f*ck it. I make the rules

as we go anyway.

And this is too good

to pass up.

We got another

performer, folks!

You didn't f*cking

qualify, bitch! Get down.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you,

the one and hopefully only,

"Jeff Brown eats his own

boogers and I should know

"because I used to live

with the f*cking loser. "

You got anything

to say up top?

Yeah. My real name

is Kara Jenkins.

And uh, this is my interpretation of

what's it like to have sex with a penis

the size of a toothpick.

This is gonna be

exciting, folks.

Hit it!

Oh, no, ma'am.

What?

So then, you've,

so you've performed...

Well, in a living room,

I did, yeah. Oh, gosh.

That's terrifying.

Are you sure you're okay? Great, yeah.

Um...

So are you, uh...

Like, on a label?

No, not yet.

Wait, that's dumb,

you know.

I don't know, you just

seem so, you're so good.

Thank you.

Well, I've come close

a few times and...

Recently, a few very

influential nerds on the internet

have written about me, so...

Wow, do you have a pretty big

internet footprint, would you say?

Um... What if I googled you right now?

What would I find?

I don't know.

What was the song

that you, um...

Oh, I haven't

put that one.

I haven't put that up yet.

sh*t!

What's up?

Is that pretty strong?

Uh, stuff that we...

That we smoked? Um...

Not really.

I'm spinning.

You're spinning?

Yep.

I think we should

probably lie down.

Oh, okay.

Here we go.

Um...

No, that's okay.

That's... that's okay.

I'm, um...

Oh, God.

No, no.

Oh!

Ah, sh*t. Why did I

smoke? I never smoke.

I don't know, why did you?

You looked so cool

doing it, and...

I'm an idiot, I think.

It's okay.

You are also very

cute. Yeah, so are you.

You know,

I'm still spinning.

So, I can't even...

Don't, don't.

There's like three of you.

Just talk about normal stuff. Okay.

Yeah, I'm normal.

So, what about you? What is

your thing, what do you do?

Uh, writing...

Sitcom.

Really?

Where can I see it?

No, you can't.

It's, uh...

Too weird, but still

trying and I'm doing

a restaurant job in LA

like everybody else there.

LA, huh?

Mr. 213, it all makes sense now. Yeah.

What part of town

do you live in?

Glendale.

I live in Los Feliz.

The eastsiders.

Yes.

Anything west to the 101 sort

of makes me wanna k*ll myself.

Okay, yeah, laughing hurts

actually, that's... Oh, no.

Well, if we can't laugh

and you can't look at me,

what else do we have

to do here?

Oh, sh*t. Haley,

I have to, uh...

Tell you about

something, um...

Your phone?

There's a voicemail on

here from my ex-girlfriend.

And I don't know

what it says.

Maybe she wants to get back together

or maybe she's telling me to f*ck off.

Because, I, um...

I came here

on a day's notice,

'cause I found out that

she was coming.

But then I met you, and...

It has been

awesome, but I just, just, if

I don't listen to it, I'm...

You should listen to it.

Thank you

for coming tonight.

And...

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Good luck with the lady.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

And now...

Booger! That's it.

And now, Saurus Sex.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Booger!

Saurus!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I think we got a tie.

It's a f*ck-off.

Yeah!

All right, all right.

Yeah.

Y'all know the rules.

In a f*ck-off,

there are no rules,

except, no touching.

Keep the sex in the air,

not the genitals!

Music, please.

Yeah!

Oh, sh*t!

What are you doing?

No touching.

It's a violation! Break

it up. Break it up.

Hi, Stan.

Wow, um...

I haven't said those

words in months.

Um...

I was just calling,

because, um...

Because, um...

I'm sorry, I'm...

I'm so sorry.

I'm, I'm being an idiot.

Okay, um...

Thank you for dinner.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Well, have

a good night.

You, too.

Mmm... Wait.

Oh, one second.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, it's Cathy.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, girl, what's up?

I ruined the date.

I... I ruined it!

I just, just...

Obliterated it!

I dropped

the toast and I started crying.

And he took me to Justine's.

Justine's of all places!

Oh, my God, he took

you to Justine's.

He must've really

wanted to f*ck you.

Who cares who wants

to f*ck Cathy?

Cathy, I'm leaking into my pants

right now. Put a cork in it, assh*le.

Wait, is that Jeff?

What's going on?

Are you guys

back together? Maybe.

Oh, my God.

He's calling me.

Who, Tim?

No, no, it's Stan.

Stan's calling you?

Oh, that f*cking loser.

Oh, sh*t.

Not now, dude.

Look, you're right, I'm

sorry. I bailed on you tonight.

I bailed on you the last six

months. I don't care if you do

slam poetry,

I don't care if you air sex.

Awesome, awesome.

Great, dude, I'm stoked.

Listen, I need a favor.

What?

I need you to apologize to

Cathy, tell her you love her.

Make up with her, move back to

Austin and have little Stanleys.

I don't care, but you gotta get her

off the phone with my girlfriend,

because she's blocking me from

getting the p*ssy that I deserve.

Deserve?

Shut up.

f*ck you!

Shut up!

Wait, she's on the phone

with Kara, right now?

Wait, who's Jeff talking to?

Who do you think?

You know, just talk

to each other.

Guys, talk. Use your words, please, go.

Okay, seriously?

Look, you guys either

belong together or you don't,

but this wishy-washy-in-between

sh*t has gotta go.

Actually, Stan, I know

what you should do. Listen,

there's edible underwear in the

medicine cabinet at Redge's house.

The red ones taste terrible, but

the other... How do you know that?

Because, we were stoned

and we had no food

Just shut up, shut up.

Or...

Forgive each other for

ruining a great relationship

and move on.

Either way we love you.

Stan, for bailing on me because

I was incredible on stage tonight.

Oh, I f*cking destroyed

you! Everybody knows that...

It's not that kind

of cab, guys.

Hi.

Hey.

Look out.

Are you okay?

Is my penis, really,

really that small?

Honestly?

I love it.

And what about

my cavern?

It's like

a little child's.

Better not know what that

f*cking feels like, you pedo.

I was complimenting

your vag*na.

I said a nice thing.

You hit me in the

f*cking ear with a chip.

Hey.

Good to see you, Cathy.

Oh.

Bye, Jeff.

Ah, you called a cab? Just give

me two minutes, I can take you.

No, no, I, uh,

heard you, um...

Using the microwave

this morning.

And I didn't wanna bug.

So, did you guys talk?

Um, no.

Nope, we did not.

Then why are you smiling?

We did not talk at all.

Oh!

f*ck, yes!

Mmm.

What?

Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

I'm so sore.

Oh, that's my girl.

I'm so sore.

Yeah.

You called a cab?

Yeah, I didn't know

if I was gonna see you.

Oh, don't. It's no problem.

I'm actually very surprised

to see you in pants this early.

Pants.

Did you call her?

No.

No?

Why are you glowing?

What?

Why are you so happy?

Why are you happy? What

happened last night, huh?

Did you call that new girl?

Did you have sex

with that new girl?

Did you f*ck that new

girl? Oh, we made love

and it was so sweet.

Dude, she's such a good

cuddler. What are you doing?

We talked for hours. Get off

me! You're not doing it right.

That's not the way you do

that. Get rid of the cab,

I'm driving you to the

airport, Jesus Christ!

Hey, listen man, can I just

give you ten bucks?