05x14 - Adding Insult To Injury

[bunniefuu]

- Wow. Oatmeal. Good for you.
- Yeah.

It's a healthy delivery system
for all the sugar, butter,

and cream I need to
start my day off right.

That's weird.

Robin wants to know how
my job interviews are going

since old man Wellman

stopped giving me bad
references last week.

Apparently, he's too busy being deposed

for polluting the groundwater.

Well, that's great.

Should make it easier
for you to get a job.

Yes, except I'm still getting
sh*t down in my interviews,

which means it's not Wellman.

It's got to be something else.

And I gotta figure this out quick

'cause I've got a job
interview later today

and we're running out of money.

You never know what's
going on with interviewers.

You could look like the guy's ex-wife.

You could be talking, and
he's sitting there thinking,

"I worshipped you, but you
took a bath with the gardener."

Also, you're older and a woman.

It's a full-on double hit.

Yeah, or people are just
intimidated by smart women.

They just don't come
out and tell you that.

Tell me about it. Try being
smart and having boobs.

Yeah. I used to just be smart.

Hey, Darlene.

You free to pick up Beverly
Rose today after school?

Yeah. Unfortunately, I don't have

any food deliveries lined up.

Hey, if I drop her at your door

still hot and properly
wrapped, can I get a tip?

You know, if you need
cash, I could use some help

at the store this week
while Ben's out of town.

Wow. Really? That would be great.

You're hired!

You realize, of course,
I can't pay you as much

because you're a smart old
woman and you intimidate me.

And you know that I could
substitute a laxative

for any one of your pills
and you wouldn't know.

Not right away.

♪

Becky, refill on table three.

- Becky: Okay.
- [Cellphone chimes]

- Oh.
- What's up?

Oh. Oh.

It's Beverly Rose's teacher.
She wants to see me right away.

Beverly Rose okay?

Yeah, she's acting out again.

I've been so busy with school and work,

I haven't been spending
any time with her.

Well, you know, kids are resilient.

Isn't that what you're supposed
to say when you neglect them?

[Chuckles] I don't neglect her.

I'd love to be around
her enough to neglect her.

- Ohh!
- Ow!

Ooh! My God! Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm not hurt. Yeah.

Good. Good. 'Cause you can't sue.

Everybody enters this
restaurant at their own risk!

It says so right on the menu.

You know, I almost wish that I was hurt.

Then I could at least
have some time off.

- Yeah. Well...
- Wait.

What about workman's comp?

What are you talking about?

You pay for workman's
comp, but you never use it.

This way, I could take
two paid weeks off,

prepare for my finals,

and spend more time with Beverly Rose!

Becky, I don't know.

Oh, please, Jackie.

I can't afford it otherwise.

Well, I don't... I guess
I'd be a little shorthanded,

but maybe we could make it work.

- Thank you.
- [Chuckles]

- Could you help me up?
- Yeah.

[Grunts] Aaah!

Y'all saw that, right?!

♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

I personally think that candy

is the most important meal of the day,

and I can prove that statement
with my dental records.

Heh. All dentures. [Chuckles]

Anyway, I think this
interview went very well,

and I am definitely keeping you

under consideration for this position.

Ahh. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for stopping by.

Excuse me?

Uh, thanks for stopping by.

Oh, okay. "Thanks for stopping by"

is basically code for saying,
"We're never gonna hire you."

[Squeakily] Oh, no!

That is abso... absolutely not true.

I just thought it was very sweet

that you decided to stop by.

Now, you take care of yourself.

Wait. "Take care of yourself"?

That's even worse than
"Thanks for stopping by."

They sound pleasant enough.

Okay. Look.

This is my fourth
rejection in two weeks,

and, you know, I need work.

You could really help
me by just being honest

and telling me why you won't hire me.

Ooh. I never said I
wasn't gonna hire you.

I said I was keeping
you under consideration.

And that's very good.

Who would like a caramel
chew for the ride home?

I don't need a parting gift.

I need a job.

[Chuckles] I would hire you,

but I've still got to
talk to the guys upstairs.

It's a one-story building.

You are like a funny Terrier.

I meant the people above me.

But who's above you?
It's Fudderman's Candy.

You're Fudderman.

You're forcing me to
be blunt here, Darlene.

I didn't want to come out
and say this, but I will.

You may or may not get a job here.

Okay. Wait. So you're
saying that there actually...

There is a chance
that you would hire me.

More than a chance. A possibility.

♪

Hey. You ready to go?

This Red Robin Groupon is
burnin' a hole in my pocket.

I'm still watching Beverly Rose.

I'm just waiting for
Harris to take over.

Oh. Okay.

- So, how was work today?
- Not good.

Becky slipped and fell,
so she's out for two weeks.

Oh, my gosh! Is she hurt bad?

Nah, she's just faking it
to get a couple of weeks

out of workman's comp so she can
catch up on some personal stuff.

But it's a pain in the ass! [Sighs]

Yeah, and it's also insurance fraud.

No, no, I'm just taking
advantage of an insurance policy

that I never use.

[Scoffs] Okay.

Workman's comp isn't a savings account

that you can just dip into
whenever you feel like it.

If Becky gets caught, you
both could get a huge fine

and maybe even jail time.

Oh, come on!

I'm sure people do it all the time.

Look. I've dealt with
this at the animal clinic.

If you're faking it,

they can pull your
insurance, shut you down,

and pretty soon you're
selling irregular jeans

out of your trunk in
a stadium parking lot.

[Gasps] I gotta talk to Becky
before she files that claim.

If I get shut down, it's not
gonna be for workman's comp!

It's gonna be by the Feds

for serving USBA certified beef.

O... Okay. I don't think
you should be...

You heard nothing!

♪

- [Bell jingles]
- Welcome to Olinsky's.

How'd yesterday's interviews go?

Bad. Another man intimidated
by an intelligent woman.

Well, that sucks. Candy?

- Uh, don't.
- [Bell jingles]

Hi. How can we help you?

Well, I'm turning my
basement into a she-shed

and I need something to
hang a couple of paintings

that I made during Merlot-Paint night.

More merlot than paint,
if you know what I mean.

I don't, so I'm gonna turn you over

to our she-shed expert, Darlene.

Alright. Um...

Well, I have to admit I
have never had a she-shed,

but I can certainly get you a
few hooks for your paintings.

You gotta get a she-shed.

It's like a man cave, but you
can express your inner goddess.

Got it. Um, but are you really a goddess

if you can only express it
in one room of the house?

[Chuckles]

Okay. Uh, so, how... how
heavy are these paintings?

Oh. I don't know.

They're about yea-by-yea.

Okay, so, obviously you're not

the goddess of weights
and measures. Oh. Um...

So, these hold anything up to pounds.

- I'm sure they'll be fine.
- Oh, great.

But there's three. I only need two.

Why would I pay for three?

Um, because they're only $ .

and you can save the
extra one for the next time

you need to drink and paint

to rationalize why you're so
proud of having your own shed.

Is there a problem?

Maybe I should just shop somewhere else.

Oh, no! Then we'll lose
out on a whole dollar!

I'm sorry. Could I be
of some assistance here?

- I don't think so. Thank you.
- [Chuckles]

Oh, man. God.

I'm gonna say something I
hope you find constructive.

Your professional demeanor

is somewhat combative and condescending.

No, I was just being honest

and I was trying to be
funny instead of just saying,

"You're annoying and stupid, lady."

Okay. Are you being "honest"
and "funny" in your interviews?

Yes. That's my thing. Why?

Well, maybe your "thing"
is keeping you unemployed.

No, everything you read
about going on interviews

says to just be yourself.

That's assuming "yourself" is pleasant.

Hey, I have been working really hard

on being a positive person.

You can use positive words,
but if the energy underneath

is "put up your dukes,"
you're gonna put people off.

You know, what you see as
me "putting up my dukes"

is just me speaking my
mind and being forthright.

You know what? At least my
next interviewer is a woman,

and so she'll respect that,

and I'm sure it will go a lot better.

I'm sorry I called you
condescending and combative.

I should have said
petite and delusional.

Men like you are the reason

women paint, drink, and live in sheds.

[Air rushes]

So, Darlene, here at DriveAmerica Tire,

we like to do things a little different.

How do you feel about
getting your hands dirty?

I am not averse to getting
a little terra firma

under these fingernails
if it helps the company

achieve the fullest realization
of its mission statement.

- You're smart. I like that.
- Yeah, you do.

But our customers don't.
They like plain talk.

And I'm gonna be plain with you.

I'm looking at your résumé,

and I like that you worked
in plastic for two years.

Um, my only concern is that before that,

you were a writer and
you went to "art school."

Well, that's why I'm looking for a job.

Because I went to art school.

Ha! Yeah, well, I can assure you...

nobody around here went to art school.

Okay, yeah, but having a creative side

doesn't mean I wouldn't be a good hire.

I mean, I grew up working class,

and I didn't start in
management at Wellman.

I started on the line,
and eventually I moved up.

Well, now we're working
in the plus column!

But we don't call it moving "up."

We call it moving "over" to management.

Because here, nobody's
better than anybody else.

Okay. But not everybody
makes the same pay, right?

Because I worked my ass
off to excel in management,

and so I think I deserve
more than somebody who didn't.

Yeah, well, there's no reason
to get defensive about it,

but, I mean, if this is all
about the money for you, then...

No, I'm here because I love tires.

Of course it's about the money!

I... I gotta feed my kids.

I'm not jumping through all these hoops

so I can make less than I did.

Okay. You're getting a little
worked up here, Darlene.

Well, no, I'm only responding this way

because of the crazy thing you said

about "moving over"
instead of "moving up."

[Chuckles] I think it's time you
see yourself out.

Oh. Really?

Are you sure you don't mean
see myself "under" or "around"?

'Cause I'm not sure anybody
understands directions

around here.

Yeah. You know what?

I... I can see where maybe

I got a little combative
and condescending there.

That's totally my bad.

So, um... may we start again?

[Chuckles] Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah. That... That sounds about right.

♪

[British accent] Here comes Tiny Tim!

God bless us, everyone!

Here you go. Look. I
know I said it was okay,

but we can't go through with
this workman's comp claim.

I could lose my
insurance and go to jail.

I can't go to jail.

They'd pass me around like
a cheap pack of cigarettes!

But you own the business.

You're the only person
who would complain.

No, the insurance companies

seriously check these things out.

It's not worth the risk.

My kid and my future
aren't worth the risk?

Fine. Guess I better be
getting back to work, then.

Look! I'm healed! It's a miracle!

It's a crime. What do you want me to do?

Oh. No, no. I'm okay.

I don't need a career or
a daughter who loves me.

I'm content

just giving this gentleman
a refill on his coffee.

- He's drinking tea!
- Well, he's gettin' coffee!

Okay.

You were right. I am putting
people off with my attitude.

God bless you for finally telling her.

I told you. You gotta
change what you're doing.

How? I've got a job interview tomorrow.

What am I supposed to
do... not be myself?

- You or me?
- Let me start.

Mom, be as fake as possible!

What? I have spent my entire life

telling you kids, "Don't
be ashamed of who you are.

Don't change for anybody."

You don't know how many
times I had to grab a beer

with some knucklehead just
to get a drywall contract

and tell him his wife
looked like Farrah Fawcett

when she looked more
like an actual faucet.

Well, I don't know how you did that.

I did it because I needed the job

more than I needed to be honest.

- Alright. Fine.
- Who's having coffee here?

- None of us.
- Well, you are now.

♪

Darlene, you're a very strong match

for the job we're offering.

Bless your heart.

Let me tell you a little
about The Chicago Can Company.

We work hard here, but the key
to our success is we work fun!

For example, Fridays, we do
improv games for team building!

Yes, and... I love improv!

The only thing I love
more than improv is magic!

Oh. Well, then you are going
to love our Magic Mondays.

What's that behind your ear?

Oh! A % increase in productivity?

[Laughs] Oh, that is so clever!

Yeah. Uh, with all this fun,

I can't believe you get any work done.

Well, if we have to work weekends

to ensure we have enough fun
during the week, we do it!

So, any questions for us?

I don't think so.

I mean, the salary is amazing.
The benefits are fantastic.

I certainly come from a family

where cans are a big part of our diet.

Darlene, you're a perfect fit.

Oh, great. So when... when can I start?

Well, we're working this Saturday,

so you may as well jump right in.

But I warn you... we haze the newbies.

- I hope you like really long hugs.
- [Both laugh]

Finally the human
connection I've been craving!

- Alright. I'll see you Saturday.
- Okay.

Um, I'm sorry.

Can we start again? You
have not really met me.

- What do you mean?
- Uh, this is not me.

- This is me.
- Oh.

Did something tragic happen
the day they took your picture?

Nope. I'm, uh... I'm not a smiler.

Yeah, and I'm... I'm not fun.

But I could be a great
asset to this company

and increase productivity.

Honestly, I think your
people would be much happier

and work harder
sacrificing the magic shows

if they didn't have to
work on the weekends.

Wow. It took a lot of
courage to say that.

But, "Thanks for stopping by," right?

Well, clearly, the
job we're talking about

isn't right for you.

Yeah. I understand.
Thank you for your time.

Wait.

But I do have a managerial position

that starts next month
in accounts receivable.

I need someone who can be ruthless

and no-holds-barred in collecting money.

Really?! Oh, my God!

I've been on the other end of
those phone calls for years!

- I've been waiting for my turn! Yes!
- [Laughs]

♪

Uh, hey, Beck?

I'm the one who told Jackie

a fraudulent insurance
claim was a bad idea.

She was willing to do it,

so if you want to be mad
at somebody, be mad at me.

I needed some help
from my family, Neville.

Is that too much to ask?

Not at all, but you seem
to ask a lot from them

and you do it frequently.

Everybody in this family does that!

Darlene moved back home just like I did.

I... I get the family dynamic,

but you're now living with Darlene,

everyone helps with Beverly Rose,

your aunt gave you a
job, and now you're upset

because she won't help
you commit a felony?

I do stuff for her.

The other day, I opened The
Lunch Box at : a.m...

by myself!

That's because you
had class at : a.m.

and wanted breakfast!

And when Jackie got here,

you were gone, the door was wide open,

and there was a guy
sleeping in the kitchen!

Fine. I screwed up.

But I'm overwhelmed.

I have a kid and I'm going to school,

and I'm doing it all sober.

Becky, my late brother had a
lot of substance problems, too,

so I learned a lot about codependency,

and it's not just substances.

You can become overly dependent

on just about anything,
and that includes family.

You know, when you make me
realize I'm wrong so nicely,

it's harder to imagine you being eaten

by one of your big snakes.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- Okay.

- I'll see you at home.
- Okay.

Hey, Jackie?

Um, I really do appreciate

everything that you've done for me.

Thank you.

It was stupid to ask you
to do something illegal.

Well, I just couldn't
risk losing the business.

- It's my life.
- I know that.

And I made the mistake of
telling Dudley Do-Right.

I love the guy, but he's
such a straight arrow.

He even took away my price g*n

that I like to take to T. J. Maxx.

♪

Hey.

I don't know how you got in here,

but I'm not gonna join your church.

I did it. I became somebody
completely different,

and I got the job.

Congratulations!

And then I lost it
because I couldn't imagine

being that person every
day for the rest of my life.

That tracks.

However, then I got another job

because they need somebody
in accounts receivable

who is combative and condescending.

That also tracks.

So... I stopped and
bought this to celebrate.

Champagne.

Ooh! Beer's high-falutin' French cousin!

So how are you feeling?

I feel good.

Yeah, like I was tested,

and I was totally ready to
throw out everything I am

to take care of my family, and then...

I don't know. I just felt
like I was lying to somebody.

And when I told the truth,

it paid off and I got a job anyway.

So what you've learned is
there's room for combative

and condescending people
in this world, too.

Hey, at least I'm not a liar.

Well, no, of course I
lie all the time, but...

not to this guy and not today,

and that's what counts.

Live for the moment, right? Cheers.

- Zut alors.
- Zut alors!

- Uh, apple pie, please.
- Slice of apple.

Ahh! [Chuckles] I only
have one piece left.

Oh. You take it.

Thank you, but it is yours, I insist.

That is so kind, but I can't enjoy it

with you sitting there wanting it.

[Chuckles] Aren't you an angel.

But, nope, I have
cleared it from my mind.

Well, we're gonna
have more pie tomorrow,

so see if you two can
"polite it out" by then.

What a bitch.