Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them, The (1992)

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Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them, The (1992)

Post by bunniefuu »

Two types of creatures

in the wild kingdom...

The predators and the prey.

When we decide to predate...

they had better pray.

Whatever.

You see, life was

simple for David and me.

We were captains of our own ships.

We decided when the periscope goes up.

And when the periscope goes down,

when to fire the torpedoes

and who was under att*ck.

And then David ventured

foolishly into uncharted waters.

The purpose of a man

is to love a woman

The purpose of a

woman is to love a man

So come on, baby,

let's start today

Come on, baby, let's play

The game of love

The game of love

Come on, baby, 'cause

the time is right

Come on, baby, 'cause

the time is right

Love your daddy

with all your might

Love your daddy

with all your might

Put your arms around

me and hold me tight

Put your arms around

me and hold me tight

Play the game of love

The purpose of a man

is to love a woman

The purpose of a

woman is to love a man

So come on, baby,

let's start today

Come on, baby, let's play

- Ow!

- The game of love

Aah! Ow.

It's not polite to spy.

I wasn't spying. I was leering.

You know, this thing

reinforces bad viewing habits.

You should learn to look

at a woman as a whole.

Hey, listen.

I'm way too enlightened

to look at women like that.

I meant as opposed to just half.

It's a periscope in a bar. Lighten up.

You just shouldn't look

at women as objects.

Oh, no. You see, I was

looking at women objectively.

You know, I don't care for semantics.

Hmm. Too bad. I'm Jewish.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

I don't think so.

The... the whole you?

Ow.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- Trouble, skipper?

- Uh, flesh wound.

There we go. That's much better.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Medicinal purposes.

Hi!

Hey. Oh, you look great.

I've never seen this.

Yes. Well, I can hide

a small child in this.

So you should go for it.

Little dimples, little ass.

Little potential.

You and your potential quotient.

Have you got some sort of

potential-calculator device in your head?

- I mean, how do you know?

- Zoe, I know the type.

I am in love with that girl.

David, that girl intended and

inflicted bodily injury on you.

You don't marry girls like that.

You file restraining

orders against them.

- Ho. Spider sense tingling.

- Where?

Don't look. 3:00. Don't look!

I'm sensing a Germanic accent.

Swedish. Stewardesses, maybe.

Uh, secretaries. German

bank upstairs. Ah.

Two Beck's. Two Beck's.

Cover me. I'm going in.

One more furtive glance between you

two, and I will spew pia colada.

He is cute.

I was sitting down the end of the bar,

and I was thinking, "Jeez.

I've never met a European

woman who didn't like beer."

I've got two. Is this perfect?

One for you and one for you.

Now, if you don't

like beer, that's fine.

Could be now is a good time for beer.

For all you know, he may be the sweetest,

most sensitive, evolved guy on the planet.

I like dark beer, actually.

Hanna, Marta, this is

my, uh, good friend David.

- Then again...

- Let's go.

So, uh, you're both secretaries.

No... tellers. Munchen Bank.

I bank there. Yeah.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Last week. I, uh, you broke a

Deutschemark for me. Do... do you remember?

No. Mnh-mnh.

So, here it is, Friday

night. Early Friday night.

And I'm sure it's only a matter of time

before you revert to shelter mentality...

- ...and say something like...

- I'm so tired. I just want to go home.

Exactly.

Zoe, any guy you meet in a

bar picks up women in bars.

Therefore, I can safely

rule out that guy,

as cute as he may have been,

just based on the general theory

of guilt by geographic association.

Then I have to ask you, what

were we doing in the bar?

We were having a drink.

Okay. We were spending

some time together.

- We live together.

- All right, Zoe. Okay.

We were scoping and scamming,

just like everybody else.

- Are you happy?

- Was that so hard?

Oh.

Red line outbound. Next

stop, Harvard square.

Oh, perfect. Ten of my

favorite pickup lines,

25 bucks worth of drinks,

a whole lot of wasted charm

only to find out that

Hanna and Marta were lovers.

- I hate that.

- Yeah. Go figure.

Well, the night's not a total wash, huh?

We'll go catch a little Joe

down at the Cantab Lounge.

- What do you say?

- Oh, great. Great.

Oh, please tell me you've

gotten over the finger crusher.

Yeah, well...

- The memory lingers a bit, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

But you've got the answer

for that, don't you?

Sure, I do.

We erase that memory by

staying out all night,

destroying our brain cells with alcohol

and sociopathic behavior.

Easy solutions to life's

difficult problems.

- I feel better.

- Of course you do.

So we stayed out all night and drank

Tequila, and neither one of us scored.

I, uh, of course, succeeded in the

research-and-development department.

Andrea. Mm-hmm.

652-94...

I don't remember Andrea.

Aha. Yeah. Mimi. Mimi, I remember.

627-43...

I don't remember Mimi.

That's the problem with Tequila.

Mimi.

Take me out to the ball game

Take me out with the crowd

Buy me some peanuts

and cr*cker Jack

Oh, he is too darling. I love him.

- That is an MVP ass.

- No. It's entirely too small.

- No! No!

- I'm telling you, it's too small.

- There. Big enough for you?

- Whoa!

Now, that's better.

Peanuts! Get your peanuts!

Yeah! All right! Here!

Comin' at ya! Here you go. Honey!

Peanuts!

Peanuts!

Beer here. Beer.

- Yo. Two beers.

- Light?

- What?

- Light beer?

Do I look like a p*ssy?

- Here you go.

- Thanks, pal.

Beer here.

- Spider sense tingling.

- Oh, your spider sense is f*cked.

No, I wish. Red hair, blue top.

It's Winnie the Pooh and

Tigger, too, from last night.

- No.

- Yes.

How many chicks have the joker's hair?

- Joker has green hair, assh*le.

- cr*cker Jacks here. cr*cker Jacks.

- What did I say?

- Garcon!

cr*cker Jacks. cr*cker Jacks.

Um, yeah. cr*cker Jack here.

All right. Hey, cr*cker

Jacks, everybody.

Peanuts, cr*cker Jacks a buck.

You got any cr*cker Jack?

- Give me a minute here.

- Plenty of cr*cker Jacks.

Anybody for peanuts and cr*cker Jacks?

Yeah. Yeah!

All right. Now, listen. Do me a favor.

Bring this down, please,

to that lady in blue.

What do I look like, a freakin' mailman?

- Here. Look. Buy yourself a beer.

- Hey. Special delivery.

Look. They're not

even watching the game.

It looks like they're checking

out Bruno's back. Look.

- Come on, batter!

- Play ball!

Okay. I bet she goes for

the toy surprise first.

- What's this?

- What do I know? Secret admirer.

- Secret admirer.

- Wow!

Come on! Come on!

That's hysterical!

- They're back.

- And they're really dorky-looking.

And they're right behind

you. How about that, huh?

Oh, you know, you really

shouldn't look at men like this.

It's demeaning. Visual

dismemberment, remember?

All right, lighten up. It's

just a day at the ball park.

I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to

Mattingly for the best seat in the majors.

Are you nuts? What about Bo?

I mean, are we talking

size or shape here?

I think I'm secure

enough in my own sexuality

to say that Mattingly's ass

kicks ass on any other ass.

You are so enlightened.

- Uh, I'm David.

- Carrie.

- Eli Mattingly. How are you?

- Hi. I'm Zoe.

- I see you brought a glove.

- Um, it's Zoe's.

We could tell. It kind

of matches her hair.

Oh! Well, if it were skin tone,

I guess I could say the

same thing about you.

Ouch. A hair-loss joke. Very good.

Luckily for me, women are very

attracted to a receding hairline.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- I said women.

You know, if you're

gonna make the catch, um,

it's easier if you do it like this.

- Yeah.

- There you go.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Sure.

Course, I don't think there's gonna

be any homers with the wind blowing in.

Oh!

Great grab.

Of course, when you hit

it that hard, you know,

cuts right through that wind.

Throw it back! Throw it back!

Throw it back!

House rules... Bleacher

etiquette dictates

that you got to throw back

a homer by the opposition.

Throw it back! Throw

it back! Throw it back!

Yes! A woman after my own heart.

So, um, how about an autograph

and, uh, phone number?

- It was on the ball. Yeah.

- No.

No!

No!

Ohh!

- Ah, chill, babe. It ain't over.

- It's over.

- No, it isn't. Lick me.

- What are we, Siegfried and Roy?

Aw! Ick!

- And? Voil.

- Hmm.

So I give the number

on the tattoo to Eli.

I thought it would be a laugh.

And what happens? David calls Carrie.

Carrie blows up at me.

See, she thinks David

is hugely unimpressive.

So I go, "Fine. If David

is so hugely unimpressive,

why have you accepted his

invitation to the movies?"

So she goes, "Well, I

felt sorry for the guy.

He sounded so desperate."

Then she locks herself in the bathroom

and removes all superfluous body hair.

I'm worried.

The three F's of dating...

One... film, two... food,

- three... f*ck.

- Can you write that down?

You'll remember. You're gonna be fine.

- And you're gonna need this.

- What's that?

- Remember how Batman had a utility belt?

- Yeah.

Yeah, well, he should've had one of

these. He would've done a lot better.

I got everything you need

for the date, all right?

I got a tongue depressor in here.

- I got a little dental dam here for you.

- What is that?

Safe sex includes our

dear friend fellatio.

- Hiya.

- Hi.

Where do you get this stuff?

Remember the dental

hygienist I was dating?

Kept a few samples.

Now, the condoms are from

my own personal stock, huh?

The good stuff.

Eli, look, it's... It's a first date.

It's, well, my future wife.

We have film? Yes.

Food? Probably.

Anything else after

that, I can't really say.

All right.

Worst comes to worst,

you make balloon animals.

- So I haven't been to a movie

- So, what do you, uh...

So, uh... I'm sorry.

No, sorry. What?

No, just... you haven't

been to a movie, or...

No, what were you gonna say?

Um, uh, what... what do

you do? That, actually.

Mm. I work for the mayor.

Our mayor?

Your mayor. I-I work in his

office. I mean, for his office.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Sounds... sounds impressive.

It's not.

Well, I'm impressed.

Yeah?

Well, you're easily impressed.

I like that in a man.

I'll remember that.

- This guy is kicking my seat.

- Oh, I hate that.

Hey, could you just knock it off?

Knock what off?

- Well, anyway, you see that guy there?

- Yeah.

- Are they bothering you?

- Do you want to move?

No.

Hey. Why bother whispering?

Oh, darling...

Talk about v*olence in the movies.

Boy, your eye is really swollen.

You know, you should've told

me. We wouldn't have stayed.

No, no, no. It's... glancing blow.

- I wanted you to see the movie.

- Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

- Ooh. Is that better?

- Considerably.

Thanks.

So, um... What are you gonna have?

Uh...

Strudel sounds good.

Oh, no. No. You never order the strudel.

See, restaurants always are out of it,

so they try and push the cheesecake on you

'cause they have too much of that.

- You ready?

- Uh, yeah. I'm gonna have the strudel.

- We're out.

- Well, gee, what do you recommend?

Cheesecake is good.

- Soup.

- Soup.

- Large bowl?

- Two spoons.

Hmm. How romantic.

I'm charging you for the extra spoon.

I'll splurge.

So, what did you call

those things in the soup?

- You're not Jewish, are you?

- No.

I'm from Wellesley,

a suburb rivaled only by Green

Acres in ethnic diversity.

Okay. All right.

Well, the little round things are called matzo

balls, or knaidlach, called by my people.

Um, little ravioli things

are called kreplach,

invented while we were wandering in

the desert and needed something to eat

after throwing all the

knaidlach at our enemies.

I knew that.

Well, thanks for seeing my movie.

- Sure.

- Did you like it?

Uh, no.

I-I liked you.

The way that you laughed

at all the wrong stuff.

And cried with her.

You're not cynical.

You surrendered yourself to the story.

I like that.

Um, you know, David,

I-I don't think that we should

get into anything physical.

Ow! Ooh. That hurts.

That's one of those clich lines

they teach them to say in Cosmo,

and she just fired it right at him.

Real nice.

I mean, the guy just wanted

a kiss, not The Story of O.

I-I didn't...

Could you please repeat that?

I just don't think we

should rush into anything.

- What changed your mind?

- I started kissing you.

- What was that?

- The lamp.

Oh.

- What was that?

- Cat.

Oh.

W-whoa!

- Haagen-dazs?

- Don't panic, dude.

We're like hell's angels.

We share everything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

M-maybe we can fix it or something.

That's my parents' wedding picture.

It's 35 years old.

sh*t.

- Well, maybe we can glue it or... something.

- I'll be right back.

Keep away from my precious daughter.

- Kenneth, they're just necking.

- Oh, yes?

Well, maybe we better check the

contents of his bat utility belt.

With all due respect, sir,

we are consenting adults.

Carrie is an adult,

and you are consenting.

My daughter is not going to be

another one of your little conquests.

- Do you hear me, young man?

- Kenneth.

David, I'm sorry, but, um...

It's late, and I have to

be at aerobics at 5:30.

- A.M.?

- Mm-hmm.

Bryant Gumbel sleeps later than that.

No. I-I understand.

It's...

- Um, here.

- Thanks.

I'm kind of tired myself.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Gentlemen, we came, we

saw, we kicked pomboose.

Ah. Next week, try 5:00,

5:30. Any questions?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crown's date

...Uh, recap, inning by inning.

We lucked out in this market, babe.

Oh, we got duffed.

Suffice to say, I haven't seen

any balloon-animal giraffes

roaming the streets of our fair town.

This Carrie chick... What does she do?

Uh, mayor's office.

Uh, speech-writing,

fund-raising...

- ...staff work for the mayor.

- Hey, can she fix my parking tickets?

Can she fix me up?

Ooh. You should see this chick, man.

- Brunette, baby blues.

- Hey.

- Titties?

- Nice.

Very nice. Perhaps the perfect woman.

- Eli, gentlemen.

- Uh-huh.

Now, the perfect woman is

more than simply a genetically

desirable combination of tits and ass.

Oh, at last... a real man.

She's also rich, cooks,

and pees standing up.

Pigs.

I feel terrible about this.

I mean, you suppose Carrie and her friends

are sitting around, schmoozing like this?

What, do you think she's a cheerleader?

She's not sitting around like

Olivia Newton-John in Grease, pal.

Tell me more, tell me more

Was it love at first sight?

Solid sh*t on the left-hand lane.

So Ferraro, who's playing a little...

You gonna call her?

- Hmm?

- Carrie chick.

Maybe. Just maybe.

You know, Care, there's no rule

that says you can't call him.

You realize, of course,

there's only two scenarios here.

If you got laid, there's

no reason to call her again.

And if you didn't, no

reason to call her again.

The beach master is the most

respected and exalted of all the males.

But notice when the

female enters his focuses,

even the revered beach master

is struck by innate awkwardness.

All he does now is lie there, inert,

like a giant bowl of marmalade,

while she waits... and waits...

And waits.

The female understands this ritual. But

that does not make it any easier for her.

As the beach master feigns

supposed indifference,

this stalemate can only be broken if he

and she leave their respective fields,

And meet in a neutral area, perhaps

here, in the ocean's icy depths...

...to frolic.

- One of my favorites.

- Yeah, me too.

- Its Colors, right?

- No, no.

It's just that whenever I've been scalped

with a particularly treacherous haircut,

I check out the Vin-Man's do.

Come on. The guy could

care less about appearances.

I mean, the way he perceived

the world in his mind,

he... he was a genius.

Yeah, agreed, albeit

a sick, nutty genius.

This is a guy who lopped off his ear

and federal-expressed it to his honey.

Vinny, babe, what

were you thinking, huh?

Walk with me. Talk to me.

You don't cut off anything for anybody.

Not above the waist, not

below. It ain't worth it.

Do you remember Samson at all?

I don't care if

Michelle f*cking Pfeiffer

and Madonna want to give

you a pedicure and a trim.

The answer is no. No can do.

Yeah. O-okay.

Look, I really don't think

it's a mistake on our part.

But if it is, you can be sure

I'll get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, zoning law

passed on July 14, 1973.

Next time you don't do your homework,

bring a note from your mother.

All right. Terrific.

Fax me.

All right. I want a

Turkey on whole wheat.

Tell Linda whatever you want. We'll go

through the North End as we eat, okay?

- Hey, David.

- I thought I'd take you out to lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry. Adam, did you meet David?

No.

- Nice to meet you.

- How are you?

I would love to, but I

got so much to do, hon.

Why don't you go ahead?

I'll take care of it.

No, no. It's okay. I-I understand.

Okay. Sorry.

Hey, how about a movie tonight?

Is Adam coming?

He'd love to, but Thursday

nights is his gay-rights meeting.

- Really?

- No.

But I thought it'd make you feel better.

- Coffee? That's all? Coffee?

- Yes, coffee.

- The stuff from Brazil?

- In a cup?

You know, I'd also like to have the...

Never mind.

There's a $2.50 minimum per person.

We understand and

accept your conditions.

I never liked you.

Yes, we know that. And that's okay.

Why didn't you let me order?

Strudel! Your own recipe?

Entenmann's.

Oh!

- New lamp.

- Oh.

Same cat?

- Oh!

- Oh!

Wait. No roommate?

- Zoe's gone the whole weekend.

- Let's get the Haagen-dazs.

- Here. There.

- Where?

And this is supposed to prove...?

How gullible you are after great sex.

Yeah? And you need proof?

Actually, the melting point will

determine the hottest part of your body...

- And, thus, the most susceptible.

- Oh, come on! It's running!

- The most sensitive.

- David, these are new sheets.

The most erogenous.

This is like some bizarre

checkup from Mr. Freeze.

Wait till you see my bill.

If you f*ck her, she will come.

Stop. Stop.

If you f*ck her, she will come.

Oh.

Psst.

Psst. David! Listen up.

Champ, you looked good.

You looked good. It

was great, wonderful.

Right now you're in the

grips of her hormonal madness,

which is good. Don't get me

wrong. It's a lot of fun to watch.

Just don't get carried away

here, okay? This is business.

All right? Stick and

move. Stick and move.

I mean, don't let your emotions

get the better of you here.

Very important. And, David...

Whatever you do, do not... I

repeat... do not spend the night.

Either I've developed a

horrible scalp problem...

or I have rum raisin all in my hair.

Oh, here. Let me do it.

- You don't have to.

- I want to.

- How's that?

- Mmm...

- Oh, you like that?

- Mm-hmm.

I remember when I was little...

my dad used to do this for

me when I couldn't sleep.

Would you do this for me every night?

Comb her hair every

night? What am I, nuts?

The implication of that

question is downright unnerving.

But you know, sometimes you...

just can't help yourself.

I mean, you got to say what you feel.

Sometimes it... it just comes out.

Absolutely.

I would do this for you every night.

That's right.

We call the following stage in this

new relationship "the sickening phase,"

during which he doesn't care if she

window-shops for 3 1/2 hours nonstop,

and she suddenly loves to measure

the f*ring gap in his spark plugs.

And they feed each other and stroll

together with these "Kumbaya" smiles,

and when they do actually

speak, it's that baby talk.

You know the baby talk you

share only with your loved one,

'cause you know that sh*t don't

fly at work with your buddies.

The rigors of courtship completed,

all animals enjoy a period of bliss,

known as "the sickening phase."

Here are the zebra,

the penguin, the ape.

Perhaps the most intriguing species

to observe during this phase...

...is the human being. The couple.

Here we see them deriving mutual

pleasures from feeding ducks.

Oops.

They have sensed our camera's presence.

They have decided to move on.

Here we see them walking

arm in arm down a path,

and... no. W-we are scientists.

We are from nature films!

We... oh! I'm s...

Oh, sh*t! Mad!

Oh, God! Philippe!

Cut.

Another salient

characteristic of this phase...

The loyal friends of the afflicted

couple may as well drop off the planet.

I mean, forget midnight pig-outs,

when the only thing that kept

you from joining a convent...

was four bags of garlic potato

chips and your best friend.

Forget your best friend.

I mean, she's a Siamese

twin, and three's a crowd.

Of course, she still

has to meet his friends.

So, how long have you known David?

Oh, David?

Uh, David's one of my

oldest and closest friends.

I mean, he's a really, really great guy.

I mean, you're really

lucky to have snagged him.

- I mean, he's a great guy, really.

- Yeah, I know.

- Good friend, great guy. I mean it.

- I believe you.

That's why it hurts me so much

that I have to ask you out.

Excuse me?

Normally, I would think twice about

hitting on a friend's chick like this.

But, Carrie, you're just

too awesome to let go.

- Let go.

- Hmm.

- Mm, what do you got there?

- Drop dead.

You know I like it

I like it, I like it

You know I like it

I like it, and I love you so

What are you doing?

Oh, I gotta judge the

perfect-breast competition.

What do you think?

Well, I don't think that there, um...

should be chocolate-chip cookies.

You're right. They're too small.

Hey, can I get a couple

cupcakes down here?!

Feel it, feel it

Baby, let me feel it

Feel it, feel it

In my soul

Friendly face at last.

- Feel it in my soul

- Hiya.

Hey, well, what are you making?

Well, you know, they have their

perfect-breast competition,

so I thought I'd sculpt

the perfect penis.

- Isn't it a dream come true?

- Hey!

You know I like it

I like it

Fellas! Look!

Looks like something out

of Dune. Nice job, Zoe.

- Hey, you.

- No.

Yes. We need more

bodies for strip twister.

- Zoe!

- Yes!

Aaah!

So jealous.

Hey, wait for me! I'm double-jointed!

Wait! I can do amazing things!

Right hand, blue. Left hand, yellow.

Very nice.

Babies. You see, I'm a guy

who knows a lot about babies.

I want to love somebody

I'm not having a good time.

Oh, was Eli cheating again?

You know, you cannot trust that guy

to call a clean round of strip twister.

Yeah, he made up the colors.

Well, you see, he's

color-blind like a, you know...

Like a schnauzer.

And then he brings over this cooler

full of ice water and... dumps it on me.

See, you gotta hose down

the board between games.

Otherwise, it gets all gritty.

- And, David...

- Yeah?

- One of your friends keeps hitting on me.

- What? Who is it? Point him out.

- There. That guy.

- George? George!

- Hey, George, over here!

- Me?

- Yeah.

- All right, don't move.

George, you're hitting on my girlfriend?

Yeah, absolutely. She's

really awesome, David.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Hey, look, George, please

don't do it anymore, okay?

- I'll try.

- Thanks.

Look, so, my friends don't sit

around discussing Susan Sontag.

Face it, David... your friends

couldn't discuss Dr. Seuss.

They're normal people, Carrie.

Is it normal for George

to proposition me?

- George propositions everyone.

- Terrific.

And what about Eli railroading

me into that degrading beach game?

David, if it's pop psychology you

want... "I'm okay, you're okay"...

Your friends are dickheads.

Excuse me.

Charles, have you seen, uh, Carrie?

I believe Lizbeth is showing

the new China pattern.

Come on, come on, join

us. We're playing charades.

- Charades.

- Charades.

Oh, I just love charades.

That's right, we're playing charades.

Come on, everybody,

charades. Buffy, Jody, Sissy.

Brian, Keith, you play, too.

Okay. I go first.

- You always go first.

- Chipper's host. He's got dibs.

All right.

It's a movie.

Fatal Attraction.

Lucky guess.

Okay. I get to go again.

All right.

- A book.

- Bonfire of the Vanities.

Perhaps we should play some other game.

- I meant to tell you.

- Oh, yeah.

Hi. I'm, uh...

Hey.

Welcome to Thirtysomething.

Can I get you some brie?

Uhh... you got any bean dip?

Thank God. So, what are you doing here?

Zoe said it was cool.

She's not here. She knew better.

Bitch! I've been had.

Oh!

Of course, the view is awfully nice.

Interesting food,

stocked bar. I'm staying.

Carrie, darling. So

good to see you. Kisses.

That ice looks cold. Is it?

Eli, this is my... this is Charles.

Charles, my friend Eli.

Honest to God pleasure

to meet you, Chas.

May I call you Chas?

- Actually, I prefer "Chipper."

- "Chipper" it is.

Help yourself to a

drink. Pictionary later.

Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.

Let me freshen that for you.

- What is that?

- A vodka and bourbon?

No, I'm a doctor. Now, listen.

He's pawing my friends.

I think she wants to be pawed.

No, she's just getting over a

divorce. She's very vulnerable.

- And I don't think that Eli...

- Eli is what... not good enough?

Y-you don't think my

friends are good enough?

Is that what you're trying

to say? Huh, huh, huh?

...is aware that his fly is open.

- Oh. Eli!

- Yeah.

- Psst!

- Ah.

I tried.

Well, what about your friend Chipper?

He was following me from room to room.

"Excuse me, David, but what

exactly kind of Jew are you?

Are you an assimilated Jew

or are you a committed Jew?"

Chipper's minor was

Comparative Religion.

At least he didn't rip off your bathing

suit, and spray ice water on you.

Eli is absolutely right. You

just have no sense of humor.

And yet their relationship survived.

I mean, I've heard that love is blind,

but I guess it's also deaf, dumb,

and undauntingly tolerant of all

prejudices, personal or external.

There just might be something to it.

I'm not sure.

Gather 'round, children. Gather 'round.

Yo, yo, yo, quiet now.

No flashing. No flashing.

I'll send you people home. I'll do it.

Construction of the Statehouse

was completed under

budget and on time in 1782.

Guess they didn't have

a Union then. Ha ha ha.

Anyways, if you notice the

beautiful rococo tile...

Isn't is beautiful?

Can you say "rococo"?

- Rococo.

- Rococo.

Very good. Very good.

So, this is where it all happens...

Discussion, or discourse,

between the governor...

Can the governor park

his car anywhere he wants?

What happens in there?

I'll check.

Whoo!

That's what we like to

call a gubernatorial aide

and her gentleman friend,

and they are, uh...

Photocopying.

Are they facilitating state government?

W-well, what's good for the

people is good for the state.

Alexander Hamilton said that.

Actually, this is my lunch hour.

And you spend it with him?

Hey.

I'm... in love with this woman.

And she's in love with me. Right?

Yes, I am.

But aren't you afraid of being caught?

Why not save it for later... at home?

Well, see, we work different hours,

and h-her apartment's

really very far away, so...

- Wait... you two don't live together?

- They don't have to.

Puh-lease, Bobby.

If you and I were sharing conjugal

relations on a laser copier...

- Fat chance!

- We'd be living together,

especially if I kept clothes and

stuff and shampoo at your place.

- You do keep shampoo there?

- And conditioner.

Look, you either move in or move on.

Face it, dude. The

writing's on the wall.

You know, they call it

"living in sin" for a reason.

Whatever. They did

it. She moved in, yeah.

"Stop by our apartment,"

David says the other day to me.

"Our apartment?" Excuse me?

She moves into his apartment,

and suddenly it's "our apartment."

I don't know.

Maybe I'm taking this

too hard. I don't know.

W-w-what... I should bring them a

housewarming gift for their apartment?

You tell me. I don't know.

What's the perfect

housewarming gift for them?

Brought you a little housewarming gift.

Oh, Eli.

You didn't have to.

They'll come in handy.

Don't kid yourself.

Where's Carrie?

Um, she's out getting some more plants.

More plants? Well, that's good.

It's kind of phase one of

the master plan, isn't it?

Plants need a lot of watering, a

lot of feeding, a lot of attention.

It softens you up a

little bit for phase two...

Babies.

You're getting a little paranoid.

Paranoid. Who said I'm paranoid?

If I told you once, I

told you a million times...

If you let a babe

infiltrate the home base,

eventually she'll eradicate

every trace of the essential you.

- Oh, what's this?

- What's what?

This... colors and bad frame.

Oh, I don't know. Carrie likes it.

- Carrie likes it?

- Yeah, yeah, I like it, too.

Aah.

You think Carrie's different, don't you?

Yes. Yes. You don't think

she's gonna make demands...

...move you to the suburbs and load

you down with babies and barbecue.

Y-you know something?

I think Carrie's right.

You're a little afraid of women.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

You talk to Carrie about me?

Eli, we live together.

Of course I talk to her.

I talk to her about everything.

- W-what'd you tell her?

- Nothing.

You know, it's just... For the first time,

I'm looking at things from another side.

There is no other side.

There's them and there's us.

Exactly. You're right.

And sometimes we're a little disgusting.

Okay? So, let's drop it.

Yes, we're disgusting!

We're men. We're idiots. It's the law.

Eli, remember at college

your definition of a lesbian?

Any girl who wouldn't put out.

Right. Exactly.

Well, you know, I no longer agree.

All right, all right.

Do me a favor, okay?

In a couple of months

when you get some time,

fax me your balls,

'cause you don't need 'em.

You ever have one of those

dreams where you're in the water,

you're trying to save

someone from drowning,

and you can't quite reach him?

You're about a fingertip away,

but the current keeps pulling him

further and further out to sea,

and there's nothing

you can do but watch.

How do I save him from slipping away?

How do I bring him back to shore?

Hi, this is David.

Carrie and I aren't here right now,

But you can leave a message,

and we'll get back to you later.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Care. Hello, David.

Three weeks now, and my period is

already in sync with Oprah Winfrey.

Just thought you'd like to know.

David, sweetheart, this is your mother.

Oh! Ugh.

I have two questions...

Number one, why don't you call?

And number two, is

Carrie a boy or a girl?

sh*t! I knew I forgot to call someone!

I'm telling you,

everything's gonna be fine.

Oh!

There's a Cohen Brothers Shoes.

Yeah, of course, on Beacon.

No, no, no, further east,

next to the Indian restaurant.

You got it. Okay, Bobby.

Well, it was nice

talking to you, too, hon.

Good luck. Yeah. Bye-bye.

Wrong number, hm.

Don't worry. Brisket

is coming, but first...

- A little soup with knaidlach.

- Oh, I've had those.

Not like these.

This is the tough part.

See, Mrs. C makes this

k*ller brisket... world-class.

But before you can eat any, you

gotta survive the interrogation...

Survive the interrogation...

So, Carrie, tell us a

little bit about yourself.

I was... I was born and raised

here... I mean, Wellesley.

- Date of birth?

- June 6, 1963.

- Earlier, I thought you said July!

- July. I-I meant July.

Aha. Do I make you nervous, Carrie?

You're my guest. Eat!

Oh, that's good.

I mean, that was excellent!

It was the best knaidlach I've ever had!

Have you ever seen this man before?

Uh, I-I don't think so.

- You don't think so?! Think!

- Uh, no, I'm sure.

And where was your father

during World w*r II?

Um, college, uh, uh, medical school...

Uh, Dartmouth University.

I went there, also.

Huh.

She made it! Yes!

My David could have gone

to B.U... Harvard, even.

He had the S.A.T.S, but he

wanted to go away from home.

Go figure.

Dear, my husband is a very proud man.

He doesn't like to lose, so if you

could just ease up a bit on your serve.

- You want me to throw the game?

- Come on, come on, come on.

Powwow's over.

No strategy's gonna b*at

my little Care Bear and I.

Please, dear? It's in

your own best interest.

Out!

- With a smile.

- By a mile.

I don't know.

I mean, to swallow

your pride in one gulp?

David must be...

...in love.

I don't know.

I do know you won't see

me sucking up like that,

selling out to Kenneth and Giselle for a

few free drinks and convenient court time.

Hey, do you think that's why

I've never been asked back?

David, man-to-man, you had a

pretty fair game going there,

but then you lost the

scent and screwed the pooch.

k*ller instinct wins matches.

K.I... close the deal.

- You read Tr*mp?

- I'm waiting for the movie.

Consistency. Follow-through.

Like I tell my lovely wife, Giselle,

tennis, proctology... It's

all in the follow-through.

Well, not... not many people

enjoy your consistency, sir.

Hell, you can smoke a pipe and

play tennis at the same time.

Grace under pressure. I

learned that during the w*r.

- Uh, Korea?

- No, no, no, no.

Carter administration...

Four years of economic hell.

Crown. Crown.

Should I know that name?

What's the old man do?

- Oh, eat... sleep... complain.

- What?

I'll tell you what

the old man doesn't do.

He doesn't collect animal heads,

he doesn't say things

like "screw the pooch,"

and he doesn't call

Ronald Reagan "the Gipper."

He calls him "that bad actor

from the chimp movies." Oy!

- You like g*ns, David?

- Well, to tell you the truth, sir, I...

This is a beauty... 12

Gauge over-and-under.

Here, take ahold of it.

Go on, take it. Take it!

Uh. It's not loaded or anything, is it?

Oh, let's see.

Ah. No, it isn't.

Now it is. Here, put

this on your shoulder.

There. Now grab ahold

of the stock there.

And put this hand up

there. There you go.

Now, lean into it. Lean into it.

- How's that feel, son?

- It feels good, sir.

It feels... you know, it

makes you feel like a man.

Aaah!

Lunch.

If you really want to know,

the real expert on the subject

was a girl that Eli knew.

- Yeah? Shock me.

- Yeah.

She's a nurse... nutritionist.

She said that guys are, like,

you know... pure protein.

Of course, that's it... protein.

And... and... and you guys are

just the surgeon generals of love,

just sharing this with

us for our own well-being.

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, come on, David, can you honestly

say that if you were in my position,

you'd feel any differently?

Hon, if Eli and I were

shipwrecked on a deserted island,

and the only way to survive was,

you know, the nutrients involved,

then, yes, yes! We'd be going down

on each other every five minutes.

I'd k*ll myself and then him.

Hello? Eli. What's up?

David, get down here

right now. I'm telling you.

The planets are lined up tonight

or something, I don't know,

but the chicks here tonight

are not to be missed.

Now, huh? Mmm...

You don't have to

touch. You can just look.

Yeah, Eli,

look, I can't come down now. It's, uh...

Carrie's not feeling real well,

and I just... I just

can't. It's not a good time.

- What about Friday?

- Friday... uh, yeah, Friday...

- Friday night, definitely.

- No, dinner with Charles and Lizbeth.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh... Eli, I'll call you tomorrow?

- Oh, man, I hope she's worth it.

I'm telling you, you're

missing out big-time, pal.

Big-time.

Mm. You know what? I'm

gonna go take a bath.

Missing out.

Two words that have

haunted me my entire life.

Why can't I just be happy with

where I am and with what I've got?

Why do I keep thinking about where

I could be and what I could get?

Christ.

My scoping days are over.

I mean, I'm different. I'm in love.

Why can't I just be

happy with what I've got?

I just don't know who David is.

I mean, sometimes I-I feel like

I'm living with three men...

Mrs. Crown's little boy, who throws a

tantrum every time he runs out of shampoo,

Eli's best buddy, the one who pulls

back when things get too intimate...

And then there's my David.

He's funny...

he's sensitive...

and considerate.

He's the one I moved in with.

How'd I end up with the other two?

Missing out.

Missing out, like Eli's really doing

something that I want to be a part of.

Excuse me, mister.

We were just coming back

from our cheerleading meet.

We're all virgins,

but for some reason...

maybe it's the planet alignment...

Well, we all decided that

tonight was the night to...

Well... You know...

Go all the way.

So, perhaps you and your

friend could help us out...

You know, take us around

the city, ply us with liquor,

and then take us back to your place?

Well, I'd be delighted, uh...

Of course, it's just

gonna have to be me.

See, all my friends are

busy tonight or too tired,

or home with their live-in girlfriends.

Oh.

Well...

Do you think maybe you could

handle us all by yourself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

David.

David. Listen to me.

What?

Sorry. Uh, what?

You're bored with this

relationship, is that it?

No, no, God, no.

No, you see, it's just that...

Listen...

Pizza is my favorite food...

Pepperoni and sausage, right?

- W-w-what's your favorite food?

- What?

Linguine and clam sauce.

An excellent choice...

Linguine and clam sauce.

It's great. You love it

more than anything else.

You could probably have

it almost every night.

Almost every night, but

you... you wouldn't want to.

You'd want to try something

new, something different.

You know what?

Your little analogy's

starting to piss me off.

Okay. Okay. Let's... let's forget it.

Good.

Let's just...

...go to sleep.

Ow!

- Where were you?

- I was out.

With Eli.

- You could have called.

- Am I on a leash?

Can't I have a good time without you?

Can't you have a good time with me?

Would it be so bad

to... to invite me along?

You know, you used to think

I was pretty good company.

Oh, hon, you know, when...

when Eli and I go out,

you know, it's a... It's a guy thing.

Eli... David and Eli.

David, you're not married to Eli.

Well, I'm not married to you, either.

David, wait.

What's wrong?

A phone call costs 20 cents.

Hello, mommy, can I stay out and play?

Oh, grow up!

All right, you fellas, give

me a little help here, please.

Can I have a show of hands...

All of you who agree with me that a

relationship is a fine place to sleep,

but you wouldn't want to live there.

Ah! See? Clear majority.

Four guys?

What do you want from me?

They're surrounded by the enemy.

What?

- W-we're not talking.

- We're eating.

We used to talk when we ate.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know. Anything.

- Can we just enjoy our dinner?

- Fine. Yeah.

I can't enjoy my dinner.

Something's happened. I-I just... I

don't feel connected to you anymore.

Do you feel connected to me?

Oh, please don't give

me that look, okay?

And please don't say,

"Oh, Jesus, Carrie."

Okay.

What do you want from me?

We're in trouble, and I just

want to talk to you about it.

Why do you want to talk about it?

When you hit a rough spot,

sometimes the best thing to

do is just ride through it.

Sometimes talking makes it worse.

- Let it go.

- I can't let it go.

We have to deal with this now.

There's nothing to deal with.

You know, Eli's right.

Sometimes you just

over-analyze everything.

What, you and Eli sit

around talking about me?

What do you... what do

you say to Eli about me?

Eli's my friend. We talk about things.

Look, can... can... Can we not do this?

Let... let's stop this

before it turns into a fight.

It is a fight.

Look at me, David.

Wouldn't you rather someone

else be sitting here right now?

No, I wouldn't.

Be honest... wouldn't you

be having a better time...

...if someone else was here and not me?

- No. No one else.

- I don't believe you.

Yeah, okay, all right.

I-I-I can imagine another

woman here with me.

You know what?

And you're right... I'm

having a better time.

Want to know why?

Because she doesn't tell

me what I'm thinking.

And lead me around on a leash,

and she doesn't hang

Hockneys on my wall.

And she doesn't drive me crazy

with bullshit while I'm eating!

Carrie! Let me in!

Wilma!!

Aw! Hate to see that happen.

I'll go make up the couch.

So, she locked you out

of your own apartment.

Our apartment.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

I say let her stay there.

Let her sit in the

apartment with her plants,

and her rolled-up socks

and her Hockster paintings.

Hockney, Eli...

Whatever it is, it's

hers. She can have it.

- I've got the old David back, don't I?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Y-you do remember the

old David, don't you?

Come on, quick... the three F's.

F... what are they?

F... film.

- Yeah.

- F... food.

Yes! Film, food, f*ck. Yes!

Welcome back, David.

So, why did we break up?

Why does anybody break up?

Her friends don't like your friends.

Her mother doesn't like you.

She's a prude. You're

an inconsiderate slob.

She forgets to cap the toothpaste.

You like to sleep with the window open.

Is that what it's all about?

Or is being with somebody like...

...getting too close to the sun?

Y-y-you gotta jump back or you're

gonna get b*rned or go blind.

Hi, you've reached the

apartment of Carrie and Mr. sh*t.

We're not here right now, and

if he were, I wouldn't be. Bye.

...earn 1 1/2 times our income

for the same f*cking job,

nut-scratching,

beer-belching,

"Was it good for you?"

Like he really cares,

belligerent, "Hey, what's on cable?"

Only own three pairs of shoes and pay

half of what you do for formal wear,

and then can wear it again,

sports-obsessed, genetically inferior,

orally fixated,

perpetually adolescent...

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left.

I think my friend David

needs a refresher course.

Back to basics.

Lights!

- You really think this is necessary?

- It's very dark in a bar.

You're not Spider-Man, okay?

Being able to identify

a woman by silhouette...

...proves to be both

necessary and cost-effective.

Look, David,

no one can afford to buy a drink

for every ugly woman in a bar.

Not you, not me, not the

brothers Shearson Lehman.

- Eli, come on.

- Okay. You're gonna like this, huh?

This'll be good for you.

- Babe or troll?

- Babe.

Eh...

Yes. Very nice. Nicely done.

And next.

Babe...

Or troll?

- Eli, I... can't really...

- Yes, you can.

Think. Come on. You've got time.

Babe.

Yes!

Yes, Claudia.

Mmm, Claudia.

Buy a drink for Claudia?

Mnh-mnh. I don't think so.

Buy a condo for Claudia.

Uh, okay, Eli, this is

all very well and good,

but does intelligence

factor into this at all?

You want brains, f*ck Margaret Thatcher.

Next.

- Babe or troll?

- Oh, babe, definitely.

Oh, that's a shame.

You've chosen Marge Simpson...

An animated cartoon of a

hausfrau to turn your crank.

You must be very pleased.

Jessica Rabbit, I could understand.

Even myself, I've thought on

occasion, "yes," but Marge?

I don't think so.

We've had enough for today, though.

Let's go out and have some fun.

Okay.

He's ready. I can feel it.

He's ready to re-enter

society a reformed man.

Sure, sure, I gotta

worry about a relapse,

but I got two words that

should do the trick...

Tracy Seymour,

A.K.A. "Let's 'see more' Tracy"...

A sure thing.

Ping-pong balls?

I thought you wanted King Kong's balls.

Oh, that is a great joke!

That's very funny.

It's funny because the

guy wanted... right?...

to play ping-pong,

and then structurally,

it's a funny joke because he

wants... let's get out of here.

The guy wants ping-pong balls, right?

And the store owner

thinks literally that he...

Like, if you wanted potato

salad and you asked for coleslaw,

so you ask for potato

salad, and the guy says,

"I have, uh... coleslaw for

you, and why not give me, uh..."

But in this case, you asked for ping-pong

balls and you got huge gorilla balls!

That's very funny.

David.

Tracy, I can't make love to you.

I'm sorry. What?

Tracy, I can't make love to you.

One more time, please.

I can't make love to you.

Oh, I-I thought that's what he said.

Aaaaaah!

- Fine.

- I'll walk you home.

No. I'll be fine.

Hello?

Carrie, it's me.

I, uh...

Really need to talk to you.

You f*ckin' p*ssy.

It's like when you finally

meet the right person.

I mean, the most important

thing to me is commitment.

I mean, we're all afraid to trust.

And I don't just mean

trust each other...

I mean trust ourselves,

trust our feelings.

And share those feelings.

I mean, what are you supposed

to do... read my mind?

No. Men and women have to

tell each other what they want.

I can tell you what I want, Carrie.

I want a relationship

based on honesty, trust,

and continual communication,

And... oh.

Oh, I gotta take that. Excuse me.

Could I get you anything else?

How's the cheesecake?

The only thing worse than not getting

what you want is getting what you want.

Oscar Wilde. He knew.

...Cubic zirconia. Nice

matching rubies, vibrant color,

the gemstone of the souls,

as it's been called. Only $35.

I am such a funny clown

I like to travel

'round and 'round

The circus is my home

I always sleep alone

Ohh! Make up or break up!

This stalemate has got to end.

You know, for once, I agree with

her. I do. I don't care what happens.

I just want my couch back.

He's not calling her.

She's not calling him.

Can someone help this couple?

Good evening. I'm Ted

Koppel, and this...

...is Nightline.

Tonight, "Love on the Rocks"...

Crown versus Davenport.

You'd have to be living in a vacuum the

past week not to notice the friction...

...between young lovers David

Crown and Carrie Davenport.

Standing by in our Boston affiliate,

the principals.

David, is there a case to be made...

that the final blowup was only

symptomatic of much deeper problems?

Deeper problems? What do you mean?

David, I'm referring to

this "missing out" feeling,

which, as you put it, has, and I quote,

"haunted me my entire life."

Phew! Who does your research?

Why do you worry about what

you might be missing, David,

outside of your relationship

with miss Davenport,

instead of concentrating

on creating a deeper,

more meaningful relationship with her?

It's not that I don't love her.

I-I do. I-I love her

with all my heart.

I-I just...

I don't know. Sometimes

I-I feel trapped.

But why, David? I'm

not trying to trap you.

Yeah, I know that, hon. I just... um...

Carrie, David is simply expressing

a general fear of commitment.

Let me see if I can give you an example.

- What's your favorite food?

- No, Ted, shh!

Look, we're trying to

reach an accord here, okay?

Carrie?

I will do everything

in my power to change...

...because... I-I love you...

...and I need you.

And...

I want to come home.

Ted, how do we get out of these boxes?

Linguine and clam sauce.

Your favorite.

That's very sweet of you.

It is.

But, um...

...why don't we try something

just... a little different?

Mmm.

Unh!

Uhh...

That's it... drive it.

Foul! That's a foul!

Where's the call?!

- Where's the f*cking call?!

- Oh, man!

There should be... David,

do you believe this sh*t?

This liver's great. What? What happened?

Bird brings it in, around-the-back

pass to Lewis, right?

Sweet baseline move, and then

Laimbeer and Rodman mug him.

No, no, they r*pe him, like in prison!

The Pistons aren't a team.

They're the Manson family in shorts.

- Here. You liked that... the liver, right?

- It's great.

Okay, now try the pasta

salad with peppers.

- Give me a "T" here.

- Do I like this?

Hold on, folks.

I can't believe what I've just heard.

- What?

- "Do I like this?"

You all right?

Did I hear you correctly?

Did you ask her if you

liked a particular food?

- So?

- So? So?!

That's a question that an old man

asks his wife at a salad bar.

Couples who have been

married thousands of years.

Men who no longer own

their own prostate.

Men who have no free

will ask that question.

It's beyond pathetic. I

have a radio in my car.

- Oh, guys! Zoe, wait.

- Eli, it's the fourth quarter.

- They're turning into the Reagans.

- Do I hate this?

1:37 in the ballgame.

Carrie.

- Eli. Where's Carrie?

- Yes, David?

Oh, well, I'd rather...

I know you think I'm p*ssy-whipped,

but tell me where she is.

I won't.

You know where she is.

Tell me where she is.

I'd really rather not say.

Please, Eli, tell me where she is.

- You're not going to like it, David.

- Where is she?

She got tired of waiting

for you to commit.

Where's Carrie? Where

is she?! Where is she?!

She's about to marry a proctologist!

- Taxi! Taxi!

- Oof!

I know. I know.

A dream is your subconscious

trying to get through.

But, you know, it's like a bad

connection to Wabash, Australia.

You miss every other word,

and nothing makes sense.

Somehow you know it's the most

important call of your life.

So, what do you do?

I mean, if you can't be

sure? If you can only guess?

When it's your turn to

talk, what do you say?

Excuse me.

While there is time

- Let's go out...

- Carrie Davenport...

- If you hold me

- ...will you marry me?

I will let you into my dreams

For time is a river

I will.

Roll...

I will. I will. I will.

Reactions were... varied.

Shiksa. Oh, God!

Married. March.

Lovely wife Giselle,

are we in town then?

We nailed one!

Hey, guys, man overboard! Man overboard!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This means we get to throw

a bachelor party, right?

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

Love's latest victim, David crown.

David, from your best

man to his best friend.

The key to my hotel

room and to the city...

...are yours.

David? Hey, David.

Hi!

- David. David.

- Hello!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

You're the best man, son.

You should know where

he is at all times.

So, uh, where is she,

Zoe? And why is she there?

Well, I'm not sure.

But I'm sure this is the

happiest day of her life.

It better be.

- The natives are getting restless.

- No sh*t. We need some entertainment.

- Do you play the piano, sir?

- No!

But my lovely wife, Giselle, does.

- Find him!

- Aah! Aah!

- Hi.

- Hiya.

How's David?

It was hard to tell.

Zoe, you're my best friend.

What's gonna happen

to us if I get married?

Nothing.

What's gonna happen

to me if I get married?

What do you mean?

Remember what you said to me at my

party... about me losing my identity?

I know you were kidding...

But I don't know... I

think you might be right.

Well, I was right.

I mean, you will lose your identity,

but only to find a new identity.

And, no offense, maybe a better one.

As a wife?

As a wife...

As a mother...

As a grandmother.

- Boy, can you imagine me as a grandmother?

- Sure!

Zoe, can I rely on him?

Can I rely on... on me?

Do you love him?

Yes.

Would you rather go

back to living with me?

I love you, too, but...

Then let's go get married.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Hey, you're in my seat.

- How'd you know I'd be here?

Come on. We've been coming

here since we were 6.

Oh, by the way, Kenneth is muy pissed.

- How about Carrie?

- She, uh... didn't say.

Everything is always right here.

Life is perfect under the green

monster. You ever notice that?

I'm usually too drunk by the

sixth inning, but... yeah.

I don't think anything in my marriage

is ever gonna be as perfect as that.

- Oh, it won't be.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry, David, but it won't be.

- Why not?

Because marriage isn't baseball, man.

It isn't a game. It's very real.

Besides, there's a lot less spitting.

- So why am I doing this?

- Because you want to.

Because I want to... eventually.

You never really liked Carrie, did you?

You know, when I first met

her, I thought, "Carrie."

You know... Stephen King's Carrie.

But I got to know her, and, uh...

She's okay. She's all right. She's good.

I'm gonna marry Carrie Davenport.

Ah.

You know, someday... not too soon,

but someday, we're gonna come out here,

and you-know-who is gonna be sitting

right between us, sucking on a frosty malt.

Who?

- Your kid, "who?"

- You think?

Come on, the first thing Uncle Eli

teaches the little sperm in Reeboks...

...is how to sneak into the park.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.

Psst.

I never asked you. What

do you do for a living?

I'm an accountant.

And do you, Carrie,

take this man, David, to be

your lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, David,

take this woman, Carrie, to

be your lawfully wedded wife

in sickness and in health,

to love, honor, and respect

her till death do you part?

I do.

Then if there is no one here

who objects to this union...

- Then by the powers vested in me...

- And me.

...and by the covenant

of Moses and Abraham...

By God and the state of Massachusetts.

...by the state of Israel...

We now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

We're not done, huh?

That's it? This is it? What?

Talk to me about rules.

Talk to me about love.

All right, it's a 4-letter word, huh?

All right, when King Kong grabbed

Fay Wray, that was love, was it not?

Sweet love, absolutely, yeah.

But afterwards, boom! Dead monkey.

What the hell's that? Just

tell me it was worth it, okay?

You're g*dd*mn right it was worth it!

They knew it the minute

they met. I knew it.

Even you knew it,

although that didn't stop you from

torturing them every step of the way,

did it, studmuffins?

W-what are best friends for? I

mean, I had to be sure he was sure.

- Really?

- Yes.

Well, that's very sweet.

- I may have misjudged you.

- What are you saying?

Well, you want to go

to a movie sometime?

- What... you and me?

- Yeah.

Dutch, no strudel, no Haagen sex,

although I know you desperately want me.

Just a movie.

You may kiss the bride.

Not so fast, padre.

The ceremonial breaking of the glass.

- Mazel tov! Mazel tov!

- Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

Roll credits.

Love comes

Love goes

Where to

Nobody knows

And it's strange

how feelings change

But it's all the same to me

With a little time

The feeling grows

Her heart and mine

I know she knows

Oh

I'm so happy now

Oh, I was lost

But now I'm found

Daddy was a good man

Used to work the land

Sometimes life would fight him

But he'd always understand

Went to work every day

I can still hear him say

Can't b*at love, my son

To chase those blues away

Ooh

With a little time

Ooh

The feeling grows

Ooh

Her heart and mine

Ooh

I know she knows

Oh

I'm so happy now

I was lost

But now I'm found

Oh

I'm so happy now

I was lost

But now I'm found

Gonna learn to

Brush these blues away

Gonna learn to

Smile every day

Oh

I'm so happy now

Oh, I was lost

But now I'm found

Oh

Oh

I'm so happy now

I'm so happy now

Ohhh

Oh, ohhh

I'm so happy now

I'm so happy now

Ohhh

Ooh, oh

I'm so happy now

Ohhh

Ohhh

I'm so happy now

Pbht!
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