01x05 - Woof

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS] I barely slept.
[CHUCKLES] You snored like crazy.

That's impossible. I don't snore.

- Oh. Right. Must've been me.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey. How goes it, Derek?

Great! My wife has no faults.

Ah, happy for you, man.

Morning. What's going on?

So you were right about
Alice crushing on Sean.

Wait, don't move. Don't move.

- Jesus Christ.
- [LIZ] Oh, my God! Oh, sh*t! [SCREAMS]

It's so early, Liz.

- Oh, oh, oh! Come on, come on.
- [LAUGHS]

- Oh, f*ck me.
- [LIZ] Come, come, come. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

[FAKE LAUGHS]

- [SINGSONGY] We f*cking told you.
- We were supposed to say it together.

I'm sorry. I just got... I got
so excited about roasting him.

- What are you doing here?
- [GABY] Funny you should ask.

- Last night, we got pretty twisted...
- "Shmammered."

... and I would feel pretty
self-conscious about it,

but I feel like this was meant to be.

It's like God had a plan for
you to see Jimmy eat sh*t.

[SINGSONGY] Wow. [LAUGHING]

[FAKE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[FAKE LAUGHING CONTINUES]

You know what? Go ahead and
gloat because the longer you do,

the later you are to
pick up Paul for work.

[GASPS] Oh, f*ck! Oh, no! [GRUNTS]

- Yeah. Drive safe, you assh*le.
- Shut up! [GRUNTS]

Hope he's so mad, he woofs at you!

Sometimes Paul gets so
mad, he woofs at you.

- Okay. Listen, you trust Sean, right?
- I do, yeah.

So don't sweat this crush thing.

I know. I mean, I will.

- But don't.
- Thanks, Liz.

Your husband's asleep in the driveway.

He's not bothering anybody.

- [CAR HORN HONKS]
- [DEREK GRUNTS]

Just trying to be a good grandfather.
What can I get for his birthday?

- [MASON] Did you get Doritos?
- What? Yes, I got Doritos.

- [PAUL] What?
- Mason wants Doritos.

- For his birthday?
- [MEG] No,

he wants a Switch.

What the f*ck is a Switch?

It's a gaming console that
all of his friends have.

[PAUL] Why don't I get him some money?

He likes money, doesn't he?

Uh, sure. Great.

- [SIGHS] Where is she?
- [MEG] Where's who, Dad?

Oh, my co-worker's been driving
me to work, and she's not here.

Why is she driving you to work?

[STAMMERS] Um, she wants company.

And she chose you?

I'm fun in a car. I do punch buggy.

Oh, come on. What is going
on? Is everything okay?

Nothing's going on. My car's
in the shop, that's all.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

- Oh, wait. She's here.
- Dad.

- [PAUL] I'll... I'll talk to you later.
- Bye.

Oh, my gosh. Paul, I'm so, so sorry.

I just need to take a quick
shower and change my clothes,

and then I'm gonna make a green
juice. Do you want one? I'm so sorry.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Woof.

["FRIGHTENING FISHES" BY
BENJAMIN GIBBARD PLAYING]

- It's awful.
- [DOOR OPENS]

You're crazy. I think it's cute.

Hey. How are you two?

Sean hates his new license
photo. Tell him it's good.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS]

Sean, you look great
in this license photo.

Uh, your cheekbones are
poppin'. Poppin', poppin'.

And the fact that you're an
organ donor makes you even hotter.

Why do you have to make things so weird?

I... It was a... It
was a weird assignment.

- [TEXT MESSAGE ALERT]
- [ALICE] Dude!

[SIGHS] You okay?

Yeah, it's my dad. He keeps
hitting me up to get together.

One minute, he's kicking me out.
The next, he being all nice and sh*t.

Sean, you should stay mad at
your dad for as long as you can.

- Really?
- No.

Don't do that. It's annoying.

Look, I relate... I'm... I'm in
a really dysfunctional relationship

with Paul at the moment.
But you know what?

Neither of us are getting anywhere

just sitting here
being resentful, right?

I mean, I kinda like it.

I know. It's so good.

But maybe we gotta,
like, dive in, you know?

Get things moving forward.

You think I should see my dad?

Yeah, why not? You know
what, let's be brave.

- [SIGHS]
- [JIMMY] You and me, okay?

We'll grab these relationships
by the balls, right?

Like... [GRUNTS]

Still so f*cking weird.

- It's pretty weird, man.
- [JIMMY] Yeah.

I mean, it's weird when
you... when I see it.

And when I confronted him about
the cheating, he wasn't even sorry.

He was like, "Yeah, so? She's hot."

That was a dream. It never happened.

Yes, but where did my
subconscious get the idea?

Okay, yeah. Donna, I'm gonna
have to side with Mark here.

Don't celebrate.

- Can I have just, like, a little joy?
- No.

And Donna, the dream thing.

Why don't you just take a nap
and see if dream Mark apologizes?

He won't. Dream Mark is an assh*le.

Well, in my dreams, you're awesome.

The only difference is
your hands are pizza slices

that regenerate when I eat them.

We're done with dreams, all right?

No more talking about dreams
for the rest of this session.

You lived together for
years before you got married,

and you never argued this much.

- She wasn't as crazy.
- That's not helpful.

- Point for me.
- Don't do that.

There is no point system.

I don't know where you guys
picked that up, so please stop.

Listen, when you guys
were living together,

I think you guys knew
subconsciously that you could leave.

But now you're married, so all
of your issues just get magnified.

I think the best thing for you two to do

is share your insecurities with
each other and process them together.

Do you and your husband do that?

You betcha.

"You betcha"? Who the
f*ck says "you betcha"?

- Reba McEntire.
- [CHUCKLES] True.

You know, what I should've said was,

"Marriage is a big-ass pit of misery,

and that's why I got divorced
because it slowly sucks away your soul

until you wake up one day

and you don't even recognize
yourself in the mirror."

That's what the f*ck I should've said.

No, you shouldn't say
that. That's stupid.

Come on, Paul. Cheer me up a little bit.

- Please.
- [PAUL] Gaby.

Marriage is an institution
that was created

back when people d*ed young.

It was built on, um, land
ownership, and procreation.

These days, it's mainly used to
subjugate women and sell air fryers.

God. You suck at pep
talks, you know that?

- Yeah, I do.
- That's okay, though,

'cause it takes the
sting out of the fact

that you're Jimmy's mentor and not mine.

Oh, I'm n... I'm not Jimmy's mentor.

You are, and you love it.

You know, when I started here,
you and Jimmy were already tight.

You know, cool white guys

talking about how much
you guys like Nina Simone.

- I love Nina Simone.
- And you know what? It's fine.

If I had my choice, you
wouldn't be my mentor anyway.

- No?
- No.

I would choose somebody
who looked like me.

Well, that makes sense.

[SIGHS]

You know, when I was in grad school,

all my professors were
cranky, old white guys.

I hate those guys.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Paul. How are ya?

Good? Good. Me too. Hey, Gabs.
Good to see ya. [SNAPS FINGERS]

So, I was out in the hallway

and I was gonna come
in and ask you for help.

My patient, Grace, won't respond to me.

And then it occurred to me

that you're not talking
to me about patients,

so I decided not to come in.

Yet here you are.

Yet here I am.

Listen, Paul. I know you think
that I've made some bad choices,

but can we please just move forward?

- [IMITATES BUZZER NOISE]
- It's the buzzer. [CHUCKLES]

I gotta be honest, I don't
love the buzzer, Paul.

Then you should say
things that I agree with.

[LAUGHS]

- Can you not do that right now?
- It's funny.

You know what, Paul?

I used to think that I
knew how you felt about me,

but I guess I was wrong.

And that's okay, because
I don't need your advice

and I don't need your validation.

So how about henceforth,
going forward, you and I,

we just don't talk at all?

'Kay.

- [GRUNTS] I don't want this. Take this.
- [MOUTHING] Bye, Paul.

You know, you can be a
real d*ck sometimes, Paul.

Sometimes?

- [BRIAN] Bye, babe.
- Bye.

Hey. Is this bow tie cute,

or do I look like Smithers
from The Simpsons?

It's very cute.

- You didn't even glance at me.
- Oh, I didn't?

I am in danger of looking
like an animated character

who's worn the same clothes
for years. Please?

Just... Come on, look. Is it cute?

- Oh, wow.
- Is it working?

- [CHARLIE] Yes.
- Thank you!

[CHUCKLES]

- Hmm? Hmm?
- Yes. You are so cute.

- Thanks. You're the best.
- Mmm.

- How'd you get so lucky, huh?
- Everything goes my way.

[CHARLIE] Mmm.

What?

Nothing. Just love you.

Oh, good. Everyone's here.

Sorry to interrupt you at
work, but I have huge news.

So sorry, not sorry.

"Sorry, not sorry" is
something nobody says anymore,

so I want you...
[IMITATES SCISSOR CUTTING]

... that from your vocabulary.

But I can still pull it off. I
have the ability to say things

with an undercurrent of irony
so you know I'm in on the joke.

La, la, la. Is this
your f*cking podcast?

Speed it up. People got sh*t to do.

I guess I'm just
nervous to tell you guys

because you just split up with
Nico and Jimmy's got the...

Dead wife.

Yeah, but you're my closest
friends, so I'm just gonna say it.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

I'm gonna propose to Charlie.

Seriously? Nothing? Do you hate love?

No, no, no. We're happy for you, man.

It's just that you said
you're gonna propose to Charlie

a million times and it hasn't happened.

So, it's just... It's starting to
feel like, um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

- ... what's the right word for this?
- Little, itty-bitty, baby-bitch bullshit.

Yeah, that. Exactly that.

I have to go because I
have a session at a.m.

- that's actually gonna happen.
- Zing.

- You're a monster.
- Sorry, not sorry.

- Wow, he nailed it.
- No, no.

I take that back. I thought it was dead,

but it seems like it's got life to it.

I'm buying the ring and then I'm
rubbing it in your f*cking faces.

It's a cool story to tell your kids.

- I'm leaving now.
- [GABY] Okay.

Walking out backwards.

- [GABY] You are going to hit the door.
- Not a care in the world. Did it.

- [GABY] Wow.
- All right, Graham. Go long, young blood.

- Bet.
- Yeah, keep going! [GRUNTS]

- [TIM] Oh!
- [SEAN] Whoo!

[TIM] Yes.

You never let me skip school.

[GROANS] He's only skipping
art class. Plus, he misses you.

I miss him, too.

You good? You look good.

I am good. Moving forward.

- Yeah. Keep it up.
- Will do.

Dad. Did you give him the present?

- Boom! Timing is everything.
- [SEAN] The present?

Y'all got me a present? You
jumping around like that.

- What you get me? Some more socks?
- [TIM, GRAHAM CHUCKLE]

Well, your mother did all the work.

She'd be really upset
if I didn't mention that.

And, uh, she had your medals framed.

Remember when, uh, things get
tough, this is who you are. A hero.

Thanks, Pop.

- [STAMMERS] Actually, uh, I gotta go.
- Why?

- Sean.
- Yeah. I gotta... I love you guys.

All right. We'll catch you next time.

- You thirsty?
- [GRAHAM] Yeah. Can I have fruit punch?

- [TIM] Yeah. You look good out there.
- [GRAHAM] Thank you.

[TEXT MESSAGE ALERT]

[TEXT MESSAGE ALERT]

Hey, can you cover for me with
Mr. Alto? I'm ditching class.

- Come here. I love this for you.
- [LAUGHS]

- [EXHALES DEEPLY, CHUCKLES]
- Ta-da.

- It's still perfect, Keith.
- It is.

So, do you want it?

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

I do not.

How can I help you,
Reggie? What's going on?

A few weeks ago,

I randomly started getting this
crippling anxiety in the mornings.

Sometimes it's hard
to even leave my room.

Are you following the routines
that we mapped out for you?

- A hundred percent.
- Anything else in your life change?

Now that you mention it...

[GABY] What do you mean,
Chipotle has a keto bowl?

That just makes it easier, doesn't it?

Okay. [SCOFFS] I see you, Chipotle.

- [PAUL] Hey.
- Hi.

Is that, uh, a child's computer
with the stickers and all?

We're not gonna get into the whole
sticker-laptop thing again, okay?

- What can I do for you?
- So, I just saw this old patient of mine.

His psychopharmacologist changed
his meds for no good reason.

Completely f*cked up
his brain chemistry.

- I don't know why these dipshits think...
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- [GABY] Hold on.
- What?

You never come in here to
talk to me about your patients.

Sure. I come in here all the time.

Only to criticize my laptop stickers

and ask why I have so
many scrunchies on my lamp.

Why do you have so many
scrunchies on your lamp?

I like the way they soften
the lines of a... Wait, no.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. Okay.

I know exactly what the
f*ck's going on here.

- Oh, you do?
- You used to only consult with Jimmy.

And now, you're just in here with me

because you pushed him
away and now you miss him.

- No, I don't miss him.
- Yeah, you do.

And I value your professional opinion.

Do you know just how bad

I have wanted to hear you
say something like that?

But not like this, okay?

You just waltz up in here
with your "You up?" energy,

and you expect me to drop my panties?

What the f*ck is going on here?

I'm not your sloppy seconds.
I think you should go.

All right? I don't even trust
myself with you for another second.

Get. Please.

Look, I like your scrunchies.
I just don't understand them.

Which patie... No, no, no. Bye.

- Jimmy?
- I'm sorry, I know this is...

inappropriate, but it's the only way

I could think of to
get you to talk to me.

I'm about to show a house.

I know. To me.

You're Kevin Lactaid?

I'm terrible at making up fake names.

Look... [SIGHS] ...
I'm sorry I lied to you.

What was I supposed to do?
He's my husband. I love him.

Grace, I understand.

I just got so embarrassed.

'Cause you said if I was with
him, you couldn't be my therapist.

I know that's what I said.

Okay, look, if you need
me, I can be here for you.

No judgment.

Please, please.

- Well, is my time still open?
- f*ck, yeah.

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- I'm sorry.

Hello? Yeah, this is him.

Okay, I... I appreciate
you letting me know.

I have to go. Uh, my kid cut school.

Oh, don't worry. I used
to cut school all the time,

mainly to have sex in
Donny's van. Not this Donny.

'Cause I didn't know him in high school.

It was actually a different Donny.

Yeah, I have to go.

Bye.

[SEAN] My dad is all over the place.

Like, why would you ask to see me
and I still can't even come home?

It's really f*cking with my head.

Yeah, dads are crazy.

It's like my own father
doesn't even know who I am.

No one does.

- I do.
- [SIGHS]

Hey, how high you think that is?

[SIGHS] I don't think we're
supposed to go in there.

Yeah, aight.

Hey, be careful.

- Holy sh*t.
- [ALICE] Sean!

- You should come up.
- No, thanks.

Your loss.

Sean, please come down!

[SEAN] Nah. I'm going higher.

This isn't funny! Don't go any higher.

[SEAN] Calm down. It's
fun. Ah, check this out.

- Sean!
- Holy sh*t! Wow!

- f*ck.
- [SEAN] Whoa, this is f*cking crazy.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] Ok... Okay,
I have to go. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Hi. Hello.

Your school called to tell
me that you ditched class.

So, would you care to
explain yourself, young lady?

- Young lady?
- Yeah, that's right. I'm doing it.

I didn't think I'd ever have
to, but now I am. Young. Lady.

Dude, I skipped English.
And I have a average.

And tomorrow, I'll just tell him
I was sad and he won't punish me.

And neither should you
because a month ago,

I was cleaning your cocaine
off of a picture of Meemaw.

So, can we move on?

Deal. [CLEARS THROAT]

- Where were you? [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Um, Sean saw his dad and it set him off.

So, we went on a walk.

Just a walk? Just a...

Just a jaunty little walk
around the neighborhood?

I see what I'm doing with my
body. I'm gonna stop. It's weird.

Cool dad. Talk to me.

I'm worried about Sean.
He really freaked me out.

[LIZ] I don't think I like hiking

when I can't make people
stop and look for rocks.

Oh, my gosh.

Liz, for the last time, we are
not looking for rocks. All right?

- She likes rocks.
- In what way?

Oh, don't worry about it.
[GASPS] Did you buy the ring?

- Uh...
- Oh. Sh... She told me everything.

- I am obsessed.
- [CHUCKLING] Why is Liz here?

- Don't try and avoid the subject.
- What?

- Did you buy a ring?
- Yeah. Yes.

You know what that sounds a lot like?

- [GABY] No, what?
- The basketball you got Alice.

- Am I allowed to clap?
- Oh, please let me do it with you. Please.

- What? No...
- Show us the ring!

Okay, don't love you as friends.

You two are annoying. But
whatever this is, it's working.

Look, I'm just saying. If you
can't pull the trigger, then maybe

- Charlie is not the right guy for you.
- Agreed.

You know that Charlie
is the right guy for me.

Okay, then maybe there's some
trauma-informed avoidance going on.

- Oh, is there? [SCOFFS]
- Maybe. f*ck, yeah.

Okay, stop. Maybe I don't
wanna take advice about marriage

- from someone who just... You know.
- [GABY, LIZ GASP]

- Are you divorce-shaming me, dude?
- Uh...

Oh, don't f*cking dare.

- He did dare.
- I should go.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, Gaby. I'm sorry.

Don't follow me.

I know what would make you feel better.

For the last time, I'm
not looking for rocks.

Oh, come on!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Howdy. Hot tubs are supposed
to make people happy.

What makes you think
I'm not f*ckin' happy?

The question. The way you asked it.

The way you put "f*ckin'"
right in front of "happy."

- Kinda giveaways.
- I'm good.

Dangle off any water towers lately?

Alice rat me out?

No. No. I follow the...
the water tower on Twitter.

It's been quiet for a while.

So when I got the alert,
I got f*cking psyched.

Wanna talk about it?

You told me you were
gonna stop pushing me.

And then you push me
to go and see my dad,

and that was all kinds of f*cked up.

Yeah? Why? What happened?

See? You pushing me again.

Well, you know what? If you do
something dangerous, I'm your doctor.

I gotta... kinda just come check on ya.

Maybe you shouldn't
be my doctor anymore.

You're gonna fire me, Sean? What?

It's gonna be awkward when we
see each other in the kitchen.

You're right. I should
not be living here.

Sean, I feel like we've been
on a really good path lately.

I appreciate you putting me up,
but I'll be gone in the morning.

Come on, man. What are you doing?

Nah, nah. It's like you said.
Just keep moving forward.

[ALICE] I can tell he's hurting.

But he's not talking to
me and it's so frustrating.

- You gonna sit?
- I'm mad.

You can be mad and sit.

I'm always mad. And I'm always sitting.

Dad tried to help. And...
And now it's all f*cked up.

And now Sean's moving
out. And it's so stupid.

So you're angry with your father?

No. No, I'm angry at you.

Well, that's a twist.

I told him to ask you for help and
he said you weren't speaking to him.

- Oh.
- What the f*ck, dude?

I just don't believe Sean
should be living at your house.

Who gives a sh*t?

[SCOFFS]

I finally felt ready to move forward
and stop worrying about my dad.

But I could only do that
because I knew that he had you.

Why do you have to be
such a stubborn assh*le?

See? You can sit and be mad.

That hat is ridiculous.

Now you're just lying to hurt me.

Fine. If you're so desperate
to psychoanalyze me, do it.

Don't come in here with
an attitude like that.

All right, listen. I overstepped.

- No.
- I tend to do that with people I love.

It's something I'm working on.

So, we don't need to talk.
Thanks for the coffee.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I was the gayest boy in Texas.

[SHRIEKS] Yes, yes,
yes, yes. Yes, you were.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey. So, where you gonna go?
- I don't know.

Well, there's no rush.
You know, you can...

you can stay here
while you figure it out.

- No more talking.
- Okay.

- These are cool. What are these?
- What did I just say?

I didn't know that
asking counted as talking.

Talking counts as talking.

Jimmy. I let myself in.

- Hey.
- [PAUL] I stole these from your fridge.

- Sean, you want a beer?
- Yeah.

[STAMMERS] I was way too
terrified to be gay in college.

Oh, my God. Now
everybody's gay in college.

- I know. It sounds so fun. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

I didn't even come out to my
parents until after graduation.

All love, no shade, but how
the f*ck did they not know?

[BOTH LAUGH]

'Cause back then I wore baseball
caps and talked like this.

Oh, sh*t.

- Yeah.
- Straight Brian sounds really hot.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. That's doing it for me.

Anyway, um, my parents
are super religious.

So, I knew it would take
them a while to come around.

But... [SIGHS] ... I didn't
know I'd still be waiting.

But how do we go from there to
you becoming someone who says,

"Everything goes my way" so much

that we all literally
wanna dropkick you?

Easy. Everything does go my way.

Because... [INHALES SHARPLY]

I haven't taken another big risk since.

- Mm-hmm.
- That way, I never get hurt.

- Interesting.
- Is that...

Is... Is... Is that the
trauma-informed avoidance

that you were talking about?

Oh. I mean, I f*cking told
you so. It's % textbook.

[SIGHS] I love Charlie so
much, but he could say no.

- He would be insane...
- Right.

... but he could.

Or he could say yes and then
it ends up not working out.

I mean, look at you. Sorry.

No, it's okay. My marriage was,
like, a literal dumpster fire.

But honestly, I would
absolutely risk it again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- It was worth it.
- Okay.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you.

[SIGHS] So I have to know.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] What was
sex with straight Brian like?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Uh, minutes of me pleasuring you,

then making an excuse to
leave before it's my turn.

- [CHUCKLES] You sound perfect. Marry me.
- [CHUCKLES]

I worked with a lot of vets, son.

These aren't party favors.
What did you do to get these?

- [SEAN INHALES DEEPLY]
- He's not gonna answer. [CHUCKLES]

If you do answer, it's
gonna piss him off.

Some sh*t went down and I
helped a couple buddies out.

Come on, man.

My dad brought those to me.
And I don't even want 'em.

Why don't you want 'em? Don't
you think you deserve these?

[SIGHS]

Jimmy tell you I have Parkinson's?

- No, he didn't. That sucks.
- Yeah, it's not my favorite.

So, you know about it.
This schmuck knows about it.

But I haven't been able
to tell my own daughter.

- Why not?
- I'm scared.

I'm afraid she won't see
me the same way she used to.

So, I won't be just her father.

I'll be this sad old man that
needs to be taken care of.

And I know it's bullshit, but I'm stuck.

Everybody thinks I was some
kind of hero over there.

I was a completely different person.

And I was kicking in doors,
dragging people into the street,

and I was pointing g*ns at kids.

For what? For nothing.
Who f*cking does that?

A scared-shitless
-year-old kid. That's who.

You're a good person. People love you.

And they're gonna love you regardless
of what happened over there.

I still f*cking hate myself
every time I think about it.

- So, what am I supposed to do?
- The work.

We gotta overcome
this emotional inertia.

You're lucky you got this guy.

Aw, thank you. Thanks so much,
Paul. That's really kind of you.

Sometimes it's okay
if you don't chime in.

Sorry.

Sean...

I just want you to know that
if there's anything, I'm...

I'm here for you.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, man. He's way better
than you at this kinda stuff.

Yeah, no sh*t.

[SIGHS]

What? All of a sudden
you're an expert on hats?

Hey, Meg. Oh, he got
it? [CHUCKLES] Good.

Tell him not to spend
it all in one place.

[STAMMERS] That's not why I called.

Um, is this... Is this a
good time? You got a minute?

[STAMMERS] Good.

[SIGHS] Honey...

I've got something I wanna tell you.

["DOPAMINE" PLAYING]