03x14 - Call Me Better Than Paul Rudd

[bunniefuu]

The name's Silver.

Kat Silver.

License to pack.

I'm the king of apartment B!

Yo, that truck says U-Haul,

but, so far, this has
been a lot of Me-Haul.

Look, man, if you want me
to call you "The Muscle,"

you got to act like "The Muscle."

(SCOFFS)

I can't believe this is our
last day living together.

Yeah, the end of an era.

- (SIGHS) Okay, bye.
- Oh.

Wait, wait, this is kind of a big deal.

Just think of all the
memories that happened here.

You two got engaged. After years,

- Max finally gave into his feelings for me.
- (LAUGHS)

There were a lot of good memories.

There's not a room here that
Randi and I didn't have sex in.

Wait, my room, too?
Dude, that's not cool.

Actually, it's pretty cool.

All right, Randi, that's
the last of your stuff.

Oh, thanks. We'll meet
you at the elevator.

You got an elevator?

Dawg, I dragged your treadmill
down three flights of stairs.

Sure did, Muscle.

All right, I guess this is it.

I'm really gonna miss
hanging out with you here.

Girl, I'm gonna see you
every day this week at work

and at your Super Bowl party,

on my only day off.

Are you sure you want to
throw a party this weekend?

We already have so much
going on with me moving in.

You know how much I
love throwing this party,

and it'll be the first time
that we're doing it together.

Plus, I'm pulling out all the stops.

Halftime show starring
Cat-y Perry. She's gonna sing

"I Kissed a Cat,"
and, uh, spoiler alert,

- she liked it. All right.
- (CHUCKLES)

Time for a huggle. Let's do this.

All right, whose house is this?

- No longer our house!
- Whose house is this?

ALL: No longer our house!

- Let's get up out of here.
- Let's go!

- (CHEERING, YELLING)
- Let's go! Yeah!

Yeah, we should probably
get the rest of my stuff.

Absolutely.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Morning.

Good morning. Eat your
heart out, Folgers,

this is the best part of waking up.

Bet you never spanked your
other roommates like that.

Actually, Randi once.

It was dark. I thought she was Carter.

I never even saw that right hook coming.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Getting ready for work?

Yeah, just gonna brush the ol' teeth,

floss the ol' gums,
scrape the ol' tongue,

and wish that I had just said, "Yep."

Look at us, living together,

being the world's cutest couple.

Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa.

Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.

You know, we can use the-the sink

and the shower at the same time,

but-but the toilet, that's a solo act,

and it always ends seat
down, and the crowd goes wild.

- (LAUGHS)
- Um, where's my toothpaste?

Oh, I finished yours last night.

I brushed, but then I had an Oreo,

so I brushed again, and
then I had another Oreo.

- It was a vicious but delicious cycle.
- (CHUCKLES)

Here, use mine.

Wow, I, uh, never realized

how much bathroom stuff
you have. (CHUCKLES)

Clear skin, full heart, can't age.

Here, let me straighten up a bit.

Uh, oh, oh, hang on.

What's up?

Well, I-I have an organizing system.

For your medicine cabinet?

Yeah. I modeled it after
my favorite Walgreens.

Their manager, Arlo, may
not know inventory control,

but that redheaded son of a
biscuit's shelf arrangement?

Mwah.

Sure. So, uh,

where should I put my shaving cream?

Huh. That's a good question

'cause for me, that would
go with the leg stuff,

but for you, it goes
with the face stuff,

but those are lotions and serums.

You know, I'm gonna have to text Arlo

and get his thoughts on this.

Uh, well, you know, why don't I just

put my stuff in this cabinet
with the cleaning products?

Uh, unless you got a
system for that, too.

- Uh...
- Of course you do.

You know what? This is your place, too.

Just put your stuff wherever you want.

Thank you.

(GASPS)

Oh...

Uh...

That's nice. (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna move that
as soon as he leaves.

I know you're in here, Randi.

I checked every room.

And remember, we called

no under-bedsies.

Oh well, I can't find you.

I guess that means I can't give you...

foam to the dome!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I've been looking for
you for minutes.

I went to get pizza. I told you.

I got your favorite toppings, see?

Half cheese and half "Freeze, bitch."

(SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHS) Say hello to my little friend.

(SHRIEKING)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

You know what? What hurts the most

is there's no pizza in that box.

(LAUGHS)

I love living with you.

It's like hanging with a buddy

I also want to see naked.

Well, I love living with you, too.

Speaking of which, you
still haven't told me

how much I owe you for the mortgage.

Oh, don't worry about it,
baby, I got you covered.

Uh-uh, I can pay my own way.

I am not some trophy wife.

But I will let you off the hook

because I know I look like one.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm paying
whether you here or not.

I know, but it's important to me

that we're equal partners in all things.

Except k*lling spiders. That's your job.

But if it's important
to you, Cook family rules

do say I can only reject
free money one time.

Okay, well, what's the damage?

A thousand dollars.

Oh, cool, I'll Venmo you .

Oh, no, no, a thousand
dollars would be your half.

A thousand?

Yeah, is that cool?

Yeah. Yeah, no problem.

'Cause, you know, I got
racks on racks on racks.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh, that's the real pizza.

- Oh, okay.
- (CHUCKLES)

Darren?

Yup, special delivery from Randi.

Extra foam!

All right, Margot, one hot
tea for a hottie. (GIGGLES)

Thank you.

And I have never said this
to a white girl before,

but, damn, I wish I
had an ass like that.

Oh, thank you, girl. Have a blessed day.

Why are you being so
weird and nice to everyone?

Please don't tell me you're dying.

You're the only reason I come here.

My half of Carter's mortgage

is a little more than I expected,

so I need every dollar I can get.

I thought about selling my clothes

but I just look too
damn good in all of them.

Wait, wait, wait.
There are certain things

a woman should never do,
and at the top of that list

is pay rent to her boyfriend.

What else is on that list?

Wrinkle her brow,

cut her own hair,

open a cat café.

I just don't want to
become dependent on a man.

What if I meet Beyoncé?

She's not gonna let me get in formation.

I hear you.

Sisters got to be
doing it for theyselves.

For theyselves.

I'll let that slide if you
agree that I deserve a raise.

Randi, you are a
partner in this business.

We couldn't do it without you,

which is why I can offer
you a "raise-in" scone.

What?

That's the Randi I love. Do it again.

So, how are things with you and Max?

You guys all settled in?

Oh, me and Max? It's
great. It's really great.

He's got a lot of stuff.

But it's really great!

Very convincing. Totally buying it.

I'm just used to having my own space,

and he's just always there.

With all his stuff.

But it's really great!

Look at it from his perspective,

you're always there too,

and he can't send you to camp

while he summers in the French Riviera.

It was a day camp, Mother.

I had to sleep in a canoe
and fight a raccoon for food.

And I had to come home
early when she got rabies.

It was a terrible summer for both of us.

Okay Cat-y Perry, it's time to bring it.

The halftime show is in two days.

You are not focused,
you're not even close

to knowing your choreography.

Let's take it from the top, okay?

Six, seven, eight.

You jump to the couch.

You jump to the couch.

You know, I think this is why

John Meower broke up with you. I just...

Hey, I got a surprise for you.

Ooh, is it boxer briefs?

'Cause I accidentally
put yours on this morning,

and I got to tell
you, that front opening

is like driving with the windows down.

I got us a new TV for Super Bowl Sunday.

(CHANTING): MVP, MVP!

Oh, my gosh, look at
that thing, it's huge.

That's what she said.

That is what she said, 'cause she's

very confused right now.

- What's wrong with my TV?
- We can't watch the Super Bowl

on something that small.

It would just be... the Bowl.

Okay, well, I-I don't
really want my place

to look like a sports bar.

I thought it was our place.

And if this was a sports bar,

there would be a TV in the bathroom,

which... Hold on a second.

No, this thing is way too big.

We'd have to get a new TV stand.

I'll mount the TV on the wall.

Well, where am I going to hang

the caricatures of the cats?

I mean, Snowball as an astronaut

is not only a subtle commentary

on the lack of female representation

in the space program,
it's friggin' adorable.

Why are you so upset?

I got this to make your party better.

Yeah, but you didn't
even check with me first.

Well, I didn't know I
needed to ask permission

to buy something for our apartment.

We're low on toilet paper.

Should we have a meeting
before I go get some?

If the toilet paper's
the size of a bus, yes.

You don't like where I put my computer,

you don't like where I put my deodorant,

you don't like where I put my socks.

They're in the refrigerator.

I like them cool.

I get hot feet. You know that.

How much do you think I can
get for this ugly-ass scarf?

Hey, that's mine.

And you can have it back for bucks.

Act now, and I'll throw in
your ugly-ass sunglasses, too.

Randi, if you can't afford
your part of the mortgage,

you've got to be honest with Carter.

No, no, I can pay my half.

Between extra tips,
selling a few things,

and, ooh, I'm not gonna be able
to make your Super Bowl party.

Why? You're my hottest
friend. I like to show you off.

Well, I have to drive Uber that day.

You took a second job?

Randi, you've just got to tell him.

Beyoncé will understand.

She wrote "Bills, Bills, Bills."

I see you, Queen B.

It's fine.

By the way, have you been working out?

Because you are putting
the "ass" in fantastic.

I know what you're doing.

And it's working.

Hey-hey, I bought booze
for your Super Bowl party.

All from the top shelf...

- of the storage room.
- (CHUCKLES) Great.

I'm making my Reggie White Bean Salad,

my Jerry Rice Pudding,

and Bill "Belichicken" Fingers.

Oh, cool.

Remind me, we got to eat before we go.

Actually, I don't
think I'm gonna make it.

What? How can you miss the Super Bowl?

Lady stuff.

Say less.

You know, I think this
entertainment center

is the perfect solution to our problem.

It really is. I get a place
to put my sweet new TV,

and you get four more
drawers for cat crap.

(LAUGHS) All right, let's get to it.

Time for my favorite step: Inventory.

Uh, looks like we've
got some long screws

and a couple of nuts.

That's what she said.

Nailed it. Also what she said.

Ooh, we've also got an
exciting array of dowels.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Manly things.

No, but you've got to
follow the instructions.

It says here right on the instructions.

It says, "Follow the instructions."

Huh. Let's see. Step one:

Build the damn thing.

Step two: Napalm life-sized zombies

on my giant, kick-ass TV.

Wha...

Are you out of your mind? The
warranty card is in there.

(GROANS) Damn it.

You know, we could've
just paid the bucks

to have them build it.

For reference, that's the shipping cost

of all of your moisturizers.

Why isn't this fitting?

Because you're doing it wrong,

which you would know if you
had used the instructions.

I did use the instructions.

Yeah, as a plate for your pizza.

While you wasted a paper plate.

Sorry, Mother Earth,

I guess only one of us loves you.

If I'm doing it wrong, here, you do it.

Oh, fine. You know what? I will do it.

And I'm gonna use the instructions.

Zucchini.

All right, uh, step -C:

Slide the upper edge of the left door

into the lower right track.

Wait, so the left door

into the right track?

Well, is this the left
door or the right door?

How's it going?

Did you build it yet?

I knew this party was a mistake.

The party is not the problem.

The problem is this big, dumb TV

that you bought without asking me.

It's not a dumb TV, it's a smart TV.

It says so right on the box.

Wait, I think I got it.

Seriously?

Yup, the door is attached.

It opens and closes.

Well, call me Jesus,

because I am a highly
skilled Jewish carpenter.

And it only took four hours,
two calls to customer service,

and one trip to urgent care.

I'm sorry, I really was just
tossing that mallet at you.

I didn't know that you were
gonna catch it with your...

(WHISTLES)

It's okay. It finally dropped.

I think he was just scared
more than anything else.

Well, it was not easy, but we did it.

Yeah.

- (SIGHS)
- We made this together.

This must be how parents feel.

You know, proud.

And very, very tired.

Also wondering, like,
was it really worth it?

Let's go to bed.

I told you to use the frickin' washers!

It said they were optional!

Oh, where'd it say that?

In the instructions you didn't read?

I need my nighttime socks.

Wha...

All right, last call
for Super Bowl bets.

Nothing's off limits,

the winner, the score,

how long it'll take for
Sheila to tell her story

about how she hooked
up with Terry Bradshaw.

I was just trying to make
Mean Joe Greene jealous.

Yes! I had "before kickoff."

Carter, let it ride on

"my mother insulting my
outfit before halftime."

It is hideous.

And I win again!

Carter, send that bucks
straight to my therapist.

Hey, real quick we just
want to make a toast.

Hold on, I need a drink.

Continue.

Uh, I just wanted to...

Oh, you're gonna talk?

Um, I just want to thank you all

for coming to my
annual Super Bowl party.

I thought it was our party.

I don't recall you

making football-shaped
meatballs with mozzarella laces.

Anyway, uh, enjoy yourselves,

and don't forget to try the guacamole

'cause... it's good.

And I just want to
give a special shout-out

to my personal MVP.

This sick-ass -inch ultra-hi-def TV.

Daddy loves you.

- Turn it up.
- Yeah, the national anthem's about to start.

It's not working.

Thanks, Kelly. Big help.

Wait, that's the old remote.

Are you kidding me?

Did you take the new
remote to the Goodwill

when you dropped off my old TV?

Uh, maybe, because you
made me stay up all night

rebuilding your stupid TV stand,

and I only got two hours of sleep.

So we have to watch the
Super Bowl with no sound?

This is why I hate charity.

You know, when I got my TV stand,

I just paid a guy bucks...

- Thank you.
- Shut it.

We can just use the volume
buttons on the side of the TV.

There are no buttons, it's
too awesome and expensive.

It's fine, everybody,
I'll do my play-by-play.

Kat fumbles the party, the crowd boos.

Me? Max is the one who
gave away the remote

to the giant TV he just had to have.

We don't have time for this.

There was just a commercial

with a monkey riding a motorcycle,

and I don't know what
I'm supposed to buy!

You've got to go back to the
Goodwill and get the remote.

Fine, but we wouldn't
even be in this mess

if you'd have let me have a bathroom TV.

God, my feet are hot.

Uh...

Good news, everybody.

I'm gonna move up the halftime show.

Cat-y Perry, you're on.

You jump to the couch.
You jump to the couch.

It's not working.

Thanks, Kelly. Big help.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Max texted Carter.

Goodwill's still looking for the remote.

But, on the plus side,

he found a pair of corduroy bellbottoms

that "are tight in
all the right places."

Are you okay?

It's me and Max.

I don't know.

Maybe moving in together this soon

- was not the best idea.
- Mmm.

It's an adjustment.

You've lived alone most of your life.

It's hard to learn to compromise

for the first time at the age of .

- Mother, I'm only .
- You are? Dear Lord.

And I'm compromising.

We bought his brand of toilet paper.

I haven't walked right in
two days, but I'm trying.

Listen, I know.

Changing your ways can feel like

you're giving away a
little bit of yourself,

but remember,

you're getting something
wonderful in return.

Max.

Yeah.

Max. Max, who has a -minute

daily skin-care routine.

I literally heard him say,

"I just want to look
better than Paul Rudd."

Look, in a lot of ways,

men are impossible, so
you have two options:

Learn to live with them,

or wear that exact
outfit to a lesbian bar

and get on with your life.

Yeah, I'm parked right out front.

License plate "HURRYUP."

(LAUGHS) Just a coincidence.

Yeah, see you soon.

- (KNOCK ON WINDOW)
- Wrong car, wrong night!

Carter?

What are you doing here?

I had to pick up a universal TV remote.

Long story short, white friends.

- Hey, are you Randi?
- Yes.

- Who the hell are you?
- Joel. Am I in the right car?

- No.
- Yes.

Should I get out?

- Yes.
- No.

BOTH: Okay, what's going on?

I started driving Uber to
make a little extra money.

- What?
- I have a flight to catch

in an hour, so could we maybe...

Ooh, bottled water.

My half of the mortgage
was more than I thought.

Like a lot more.

Like, if you can afford that,

why the hell was my Valentine's gift

a coupon to unload the dishwasher?

It was a series of coupons,
including a free hug

and a free back rub.

And they were all for the same reason.

I was hoping they would lead to sex.

I really do need to get to the airport.

Joel, you're a man traveling
on Super Bowl Sunday.

Your needs mean nothing to me.

Didn't I tell you I would
cover your part of the mortgage?

No, no, I can pay my fair share.

I've never had to rely on anybody,

and I'm not about to start now.

Baby, we about to be married.

We're a team.

Like Jay and Beyoncé.

Barack and Michelle.

Oprah and Gayle.

You know, my mother and I
were in a similar situation.

We agreed to pay our rent on a
sliding scale based on income.

Damn it, would you mind your own...

Actually, Boy Kat back
here has a good idea.

What do you think, baby?

I just don't want you to
think I'm taking advantage.

I don't. I think it's fair.

Okay, then I'm in.

You guys make an adorable couple.

Can I take a picture of you

and tell my mom that we're dating?

- Excuse me?
- And ride cancelled.

(WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV)

All right, that's the
end of the third quarter,

and Sheila won again?

(LAUGHS) I've got
racks on racks on racks.

I hate that I taught you that.

Everyone's having a
good time at your party.

Our party.

I think it's 'cause they love your TV.

Our TV.

No, it's my TV. (LAUGHS)

But I should've talked
to you before I bought it.

Yeah, you should've.

But I got to be more flexible.

BOTH: That's what she said.

And I've got to compromise.

And I have definitely got to
go back to my old toilet paper.

I've been to hell and
back with your one-ply.

Listen, we're figuring it out.

The good news is I think
I've finally gotten the hang

of how you organize the fridge.

(CHUCKLING): Oh.

Not even close.

Cheese and lettuce in the same drawer?

I had to sit down.

Ow! One-ply!

("STICK TOGETHER" BY FREEDUST PLAYS)

♪ I tried to shake this bad dream ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ But I can't believe my eyes ♪

♪ As I reach for my phone ♪

♪ So I call up my mother,
call up my friends ♪

♪ Is this the world
we have to live in? ♪

♪ The city's on fire ♪

♪ Everyone's tired ♪

♪ We're walking on wires ♪

♪ Just to keep quiet ♪

♪ Counting the hours down till the end ♪

♪ Just trying to make some sense ♪

♪ We are all, we are all ♪

♪ We need. ♪