01x05 - Day of the Dark Knight!

[bunniefuu]

[growls]

- Zip it, gruesome.

- Don't agitate
the prisoner, gardner.

- What, are you kiddin'?

Agitating's the best part.

- When the green lantern corps
asked me to join guy gardner

On his latest assignment,
I knew it was because

They wanted someone around
for clean-up

Should this hot head
create another one
of his famous messes.

Needless to say, this mission
involved a lot of cleaning.

- Ugh.
- Aah!

Watch it, lunkhead.

- You watch it. You nearly
stepped on my prisoner.

- [laughs] that's your prisoner?

What'd you use to catch him,
a mouse trap or a fly swatter?

- Hey! This poozer's
from the planet kvell.

- Ooh, does the mean
wittle cwiminal
need his diaper changed?

- Hey, I get these
cuffs off, pal,

And I'll make your face
as ugly as your haircut.

- Go soak your head.

- Didn't you hear
what kilowatt said?

He's from kvell.
- And?

- And when kvellians
interact with any form
of liquid, they get...

Really, really big.

[grunting]

- Where is he?

Where is he?

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Unh!
- Unh!

[batarang beeping]

- Argh!

- Heh.

[horn blows]

[grunting]

- Need a hand, guy?

- No.

Uhh. Well...Maybe.

- Hey, you crumb-bums,
let me outta here!

When I get my hands on you,
I'll tear you limb from limb.

- This mess, gardner,
you're cleaning up.

[sirens]

[tires squeal]

[tires squeal]

- Really, green arrow,
I can handle this myself.

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Afraid that I'll
show you up again, bats?

- Unh!

- Again?

- As in...Always.

- As in...In your dreams.

[cuckoo chiming]

- Whoa! Unh!

- Let's see.
I've got 19, 22, 26...

And so have you.

We're tied.

- As if that really matters.

- Of course it doesn't.

- [thinking] so maybe
green arrow and I are
just a little competitive.

It's not like we get
carried away with it.

Much.

[wind whistling]

- Bend, time, bend,
then rip apart.

Carry us back
to home and hearth!

- We've just been teleported.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
the world's greatest detective.

Ok, doc, where are we?

- Better to ask,
"when are we?"

It is the fifth century a.D.,
the place is britain,

And I...

Am merlin ambrosius.

- No, really. Where are we?

[bird chirps]

- I'm convinced.

- You must forgive
the suddenness with which
I have brought you here.

It was a desperate act
by a desperate man.

Not long ago
a student of mine,

King arthur's half sister
morgan le fay,

Seeking to wrest the throne
from our beloved king,

Gathered her army
and att*cked camelot.

The knights of the round table
fought valiantly,

But they were no match
for morgan's enchantments.

Nor, I'm sorry to say, was I.

The student had
surpassed the master.

Camelot fell.

All within the castle walls
were ensorcelled,

Transformed
into things of stone.

And a terrible darkness
fell over the land.

But hope remains.

- The sword in the stone.

- Excalibur.

- I hid it away years ago
for just such a purpose.

Only excalibur's magic
can defeat le fay

And restore our king.

- Then why haven't you used it?

- Only the one who is worthy
can retrieve it.

- And this is why
you brought us here.

- Well, don't keep everyone
in suspense, doc.

Which one of us
is the one who is worthy?

- The answer, I'm afraid,
is not so clear.

- Merlin must not be allowed
to retrieve the sword.

You know what you must do,
my pet.

- Jason blood
lives to serve.

- It's not jason blood
I'm interested in.

Change!

Change, o form of man.

Release the might
from fleshy mire.

Boil the blood
in heart of fire.

Gone! Gone, the form of man.

Rise the demon etrigan!

[growling]

- I turned to mystic runes
to reveal

The one person
in all the universe,

Beside arthur himself,

Fated to free the sword
from the stone.

Alas, they would only divulge
that either of you

Might be
the one who is worthy.

Yet now, after seeing you
in the flesh,

It is clear that you,
my dark knight,

You are our shining hope.

- Oh, come on.

[horse whinnies]

[demons growling]

[snarls]

[snarls]

[ crunch/slurp ]
[horses whinnying]

[demons growling]

- Demon's claws will
rend and shred

And soon remove
the dark knight's head.

[howls]

- That's 14 for me, bats.

- We're fighting
for our lives

Against a horde
of supernatural creatures.

This isn't the time
for infantile games.

[expl*si*n]

[growls]

- 15.

- Aah!

- You were my servant
once, etrigan,

Before le fay's enchantments
stole you from me.

And you shall be
my servant again.

- Huh? Unh!

- 25.

[beeping]

- 31.

- These two would make a mockery
of queen morgan's grand destiny.

But demon power
runs unrestrained,

And demon wrath
can't be contained!

- Merlin, are you all right?

- Oh, humiliated,
but otherwise intact.

- Incompetent sl*ve.

Never send a demon
to do a queen's job.

I have to go now, arthur.

But don't worry,
my dear beloved brother.

I'll be back soon...

To crush you into rubble.

Etrigan, come.

- For the record, bats,
it was my arrow
that nailed the demon.

- Nope. Bat grenade
took him down.

- Think your horse
needs a rest from carrying
that enormous ego?

- Enough!

We have arrived.

Yonder lies
the tower of excalibur,

Where the mystic sword
is hidden.

The time has come
for the one who is worthy

To enter the tower and pluck
excalibur from the stone.

You alone can do this.

- You alone?

Sorry, but the last time
I checked,

The mystic runes
left this one up for debate.

[horse whinnies]

- He's so predictable.

[horse whinnies]

- If I turn out
to be the one,

You're not gonna take it
personally, are you?

- Sounds like you're afraid
I'm gonna top you again.

- Again?

- As in...Always.

- As in...In your...
Dreams.

[growling]

- Uh, did I forget
to mention the ogres
that protect the tower?

- Ogres? Plural?

- Brothers, I'm afraid.

- Mmm. Food!

[horses whinny]

- Aah!

Huh?

- Wait for it.

[dings]

[groans]

[growling]

- Aah!

- The spirits of the tower
have borne witness

To your victory,
dark knight.

- His victory?

- You may now enter
and retrieve excalibur.

Camelot is saved!

- Not just yet, merlin.

- Excalibur's magic
reigns here, morgan.

No sorcery can prevent
he who is worthy

From reaching his destiny.

- My dear teacher,

I have no intention
of stopping him at all.

In fact, I want the dark knight
to reach his destiny...

[thunder]

- So he may gain excalibur
for his new master.

- Go. Claim your destiny.

- Can someone please tell me
why everyone just assumes

Batman is the worthy one?

You know, people,
it could be me.

- You traitorous witch!

- Archer, here's your chance
to prove yourself.

Stop the dark knight
from gaining excalibur.

If you fail,
our lives will be lost,

And camelot with us!

- Come on, bats.
You're not gonna let her

Dance you around
like a puppet, are you?

- Ok. Be that way.

[both grunting]

[growls]

[groaning]

[thunder]

- Aah! [grunts]

- Finish the old fool.

[wind whistling]

- Easy, bats. Easy.

It's me.

Your buddy, green arrow.

- Green arrow?

- Destroy him.

[fingers crunching]

- Aah!

- It's over.

- Change!
Change, o, form of man.

Release the might from--

[snarls]

- [grunts]

- What is it?

- Nothing, milady.

- Fulfill your destiny,
dark knight.

Remove the sword
from the stone.

[grunts]

- Game's over, le fay.

- How?

- A gift from an old fool

Who perhaps isn't as old
or as foolish

As we both believed.

- Blood, to me, now!

- Merlin has released me
from your enchantment, morgan.

He has given me
my freedom at last.

- Idiot! Of what use
is freedom to the dead?

[growling]

[evil laughter]

- Excalibur!
It's our only chance.

- [grunting]

It won't come out!

- Then you're not the one
who is worthy?

- Apparently not.

[groaning]

[snarls]

- Gone. Gone, the form of man.

Rise, the demon etrigan!

- Oh!

- Surrender, old man.

Arthur's reign is done,

And you with it.

This is the age of le fay!

And finally.

- You?

- I know, I know.
I'm amazing, right?

- You think your pathetic arrows
can stop me?

- Maybe not,
but I'm betting
that this will!

[grunting]

- Only the one who is worthy

Can release excalibur
from the stone.

And all you're worthy of

Is failure and death.

- Maybe the one who was worthy
is really two.

[growling]

[screaming]

[groaning]

- Forgive me, archer.
I misjudged you.

- Ah, you're not the first.

- You're free now, etrigan.
What will you do?

- When will you
foolish mortals learn?

A demon's fate's...
Not your concern!

- Oh, he's a charmer,
that one.

- King arthur will be
most grateful for all
you have done.

I have no doubt
that he will
knight you both.

- Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

Why in the world
would arthur knight him?

If it wasn't for me,
you'd be a statue now.

- And if it wasn't for me,
you'd be dragon jerky.

- Just can't handle the fact

That I showed you up
again, can you?

- Dark knight, archer, please!

- Again?

- As in...Always.

- This conduct
is most unbecoming

In candidates for knighthood.

- As in in your dreams!

[sighs]

- I guess we really do
take this competitive thing

Way too far, huh?

- Since we took le fay
down together,

When you think about it,
we're still tied, right?

- Right.

And what's wrong with that?

- Nothing.

[beeping]

- Break-in at bank of star city.

- I bet this baby can get there
before your bucket of bolts can.

- [thinking]
I know, I know,
totally juvenile.

You're on.