01x01 - Welcome to Brickleberry

[bunniefuu]

Take it all in, kids.

This is nature in all it's majesty.

Welcome to Brickleberry.

Hey kids, I'm Steve Williams.

Ranger of the month here at
Brickleberry National Park

Don't say anything about
the amputee kid.

Don't say anything about
the amputee kid.

It's good to be here,
speaking to the nub scouts.

Oh, great. Now it's awkward.

That's better.

Today, I'll be teaching you
how to build a campfire.

Using flint and steel.

Wow. That den mother is gorgeous.
I bet this will impress her.

Sometimes it's a little tricky.

God damn it.

Okay kids, a true survivalist always
has a backup plan.

There's still a little in there.

Only you can prevent forest-

Fire!

Hold still!

I'll b*at the flames out.

I like it.

So, who do you think will be ranger
of the month this month, Denzel?

Shut up Steve!

We know it's always you.
No one else gives a sh*t.

Well, I guess it is always me.

The photos don't lie.

- October, November, December.
- February.

That's right, brother.
Black history month too.

If you weren't so dumb,
I might be offended.

Being ranger of the month
drives the ladies crazy.

Why, just this morning,
I met this hot, young den mother.

Young?
Man, old chicks is where it's at.

They sweet, loyal,
and they can take out their teeth.

- Are you being serious right now?
- Yeah, I'm serious.

I've been in more
old white women than osteoporosis.

What?

Gum job, man.

Malloy, I found those chocolate bars
you like, little buddy.

They don't sell them around here, so,
you know, I had to drive all the way to-

70% cacao?

That's weird, because I'm pretty sure
I said a minimum of 85% cacao.

Well, they probably taste
the same, right? I mean...

Okay, I'll just return these.

- Good morning, Malloy, How are you?
- Your head is enormous.

Don't forget I'm the one
who rescued you

after some crazy tourist
ran over both your parents.

"The key to being a safe driver-"

Oh, my god!
Wait, you're both still alive!

I'll go call for help.

sh*t.

All right, rangers,
do you know what that is?

- Is that the devil's penis?
- No!

It's our tourism numbers this year.

Our park is in a shambles.

We've had everything from
freak accidents to crime waves.

Last week,
a group of tourists got carjacked!

I got carjacked last week too.

Easy, girl.
Let the Parkinson's do the work.

The point is, crime is out of control.

This is a national park, not Detroit.

Oh, I see.
You all want to blame the brothers.

Denzel, I don't indulge
in racial profiling.

We'd all be safer if you did.

Don't worry. I hired a Korean convenience
store owner to follow him around.

Maybe less people
in the park is a good thing.

We don't want to offset
the balance of nature.

Everybody point and laugh at the hippie.

Man, f*** nature!

Malloy, you should be out there
greeting all those tourists,

'Cause you're the cutest thing
on the planet.

Malloy? We don't want him
talking to anyone.

He's a d*ck!

Even your whispers sound fat.

How could you say that?

Malloy does so many
thoughtful things for us.

Yeah, like what?

Like for starters, he made that delicious
breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

And don't forget, he planned
that surprise party for Denzel.

Surprise!

Bottom line, if we don't get
this park in shape,

they're gonna shut down Brickleberry!

So, I've decided to hire someone to help
get this park back on track.

- A new ranger?
- Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Yes, a new ranger. She was
ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Rangers of the month?

Sorry, that's my vag*na growling.

Well, okay, I'm really excited to-

I'm really-

excited-

- Excited to work-
- You, you're no den mother.

You were here to take my
ranger of the month title all along.

That seems highly unlikely that
that's what she's here for, you moron

You keep a bear cub
in the ranger station?

Well, Steve brought him here,
but i raised him as my own.

He's a house bear.

There's no such thing as a house bear.

What is he eating?

This diet will take years off
his life, Woody.

A bear cub's diet should consist
of berries miller moths, and grass.

- Well, the new girl's annoying.
- Forgive me, Malloy. I failed you.

No more junk food for you,
snuggly bear.

You took away something I love.
Now I will take away something you love.

Take a close look, honey, because
you'll never get to wear it.

Look, I just want to help the park,

and from what I've seen,
it needs a lot of help.

I am not here to take anyone's medal,
or whatever that is.

Sounds like Steve's afraid
of a little competition.

Yeah, I could win that title.

Oh, man, I'm just kidding.

You crackers have fun working.
I'll be taking a nap.

Come on, Tong King Pong.

What? I can't fire him.

We work for the government,
and he's B-L-A-C-K.

No, that's okay.

If you think you're man enough
to take this from me, then game on.

Don't mind him. I'm Connie, by the way.

Did you feel that?

I think our periods just synchronized.

Since I'm the top ranger here,
Woody asked if I'd show you around.

Normally I don't give tours to liars.

- I'm not a liar.
- That's a lie.

Anyway, down there is Brickleberry Lake.

Just last week, I saved a drowning man
that was knocked out by a jet ski.

- Steve, come in, Steve, I got good news.
- Go ahead.

That guy you hit with a jet ski decided
to forget the lawsuit.

'Course he forgets everything now
'cause of all the brain damage.

Thanks for that information.

How'bout a little radio silence?

Hold on, Malloy wants to talk to you.

- No, I don't want-
- Steve.

- Steve. Steve?
- What!

Remember that time you got drunk and
thought the paper shredder was a vag*na?

Bastard.

That's better.

Steve.

Malloy, how's the diet going, son?

I didn't like it at first,
but I feel really healthy now.

That's great, little buddy.

I got two large supreme pies with
melty-cheese-filled butter crusts,

Three dozen wings with extra ranch,

two-liter coke,
and a cup of fried chicken fat.

- That'll be 42 bucks.
- How'bout a car?

Sweet.

Malloy!

I'm ashamed of you.
This diet is for your own good.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost you,
snuggly bear.

You know how bad my post-traumatic
stress was before you moved in?

Pull the trigger. Do it.

You don't have the balls.
Your mother never loved you.

Anyway, I got to get back to work.
But I already made your lunch.

Where's my car?

Denzel!

Woody, look. I saved a hiker.

He's dead, Steve.

- He was alive when I found him.
- This is unacceptable, Steve.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take away one
of your gold stars.

No!

I saw a bright light.

Friggin' show-off.

Good work, Ethel. You get one star
for saving that man's life.

And one star because you have
a nice body and a okay face.

Okay face?

Minus, one star for attitude.

She's still kicking your ass, Steve.

- Well, how many stars do you have?
- Woody, give me 3 stars!

Affirmative action.

Technically, that's not affirmative action.
It's more like star welfare.

Well, I guess I underestimated you.

Not anymore. I'm going to destroy you.

Listen, I didn't want
your stupid little medal.

But now, I'm going to take it
just because I can.

- I'm Connie, by the way.
- We already met.

I'm drowning, help!

Help!

Can I see some I.D. please, honey?

I don't think this is you.

It is shocking that someone
with your instincts is working here.

He robbed me! He robbed me!

Oh, lord!

No!

Oh, God.

Seriously?

Oh, a cheeto.

Oh, that actually had a happy ending.

What the hell
do you thing you're doing?

The order came in.
We're putting up this hot ranger.

And taking down this ad for
The Rosie O'Donnell Show.

- Come on.
- Looking for this?

Come on in, man, I got tater chips,
candy, moon pies, whatever you want!

You're not gonna r*pe me, are you?

Do I look like a r*pist to you?

You look like exactly like a r*pist.

Oh, just 'cause I'm a redneck,
I'm a r*pist?

I'm a big, bad r*pist.

I guess that explains why I got
this duct tape and chloroform, right?

You're really not helping your case.

No, no, no, you think I'm a r*pist.

It's a good thing I got
this court order mandating

that I stay 50 yards away from young'uns
and small animals.

With my name on it right there.

- Okay, I better be getting back.
- Did I mention I have chocolate?

Well, maybe I can come in for a minute.

- Holy sh*t.
- What are you doing in Ethel's cabin?

I'm... wait. What are you doing
in the Ethel's cabin?

Stalking her.

I'm here for the pillow fight.

What the hell?

Oh, my God, that was close.

But it's so awesome,
we have something in common.

- What?
- We both like Ethel.

Hold on. You'll love this.

I call it my sniffy box.
Check it out.

- You want a hit?
- You know... it's getting kind of late.

Okay. Well, come by any time
you want to talk about Ethel.

I think she's perfect.

Well, except for the fact
that she's an alcoholic.

She's a what?

It says it right here in her diary.

She's a bad drunk too.

That's why she was fired
from Yellowstone.

This is a tree, and I've had 11 abortions.

What? Oops.

What do you want?

Look, we got off on the wrong foot.

I came over to bury the hatchet
and say congratulations.

It looks like we've got
a new top ranger.

Let's celebrate!

- I don't drink.
- Me neither.

This is non-alcoholic vodka.

You know what?
I don't want to celebrate with you.

Ever since you found out that
I'm actually good at my job,

You've been a total jerk to me.

Well, I'll just leave the bottle so
you can celebrate by yourself.

God damn it.

Connie, when does Ethel start her period?

In 3 hours, 12 minutes and 22 seconds.
Why?

- Are you okay?
- Go away.

Look, I shouldn't have been
so hard on you.

I know it must be tough
having a new ranger like me around.

I'm willing to forgive and forget.

How'bout another hug?

You know what?
I want to get this hug just right.

- Steve, you're being silly-
- Hug me, bitch!

To Brickleberry.

Where the hell am I?

Where the [bleep]'s that waffle house,
sh*t-breath?

Ethel?

Hey, I'd kick a baby in his face
for some hash browns.

- Ethel?
- Shut up, agent [bleep] lips.

This car is goes fast!

Ethel, we're not in a car!

Lock out!

I'm sorry. You don't like my driving.
Then why don't you...

I don't know how to fly a chopper!

Hey, get out of the fast lane,
you stupid mountain.

Ay, Santa Maria, I'm never going to
finish trimming these hedges.

- May I take your order?
- Get a pen, Skank.

I want a large...

- Can you repeat that?
- I said I want a large...

Thank you, drive around.

I can't believe Woody fired you just
for k*lling all those orphans

and a Colombian landscaper.

I don't know what happened.

It was like I was drunk,
but all I had was that coffee.

Yeah, that is weird.
I thought all landscapers were Mexican.

Look, Ethel, I'm sorry things
turned out like this.

I'm actually kind of sad to see you go.

Oh, it's nice to hear you say that.
Maybe...

Oh, your cab's here.

Steve! Where the hell have you been?
Malloy is missing.

Denzel and I have been searching
the forest all morning.

Wait, Denzel went into the forest?

Yeah, he wasn't much help.

Malloy! Malloy!

- Why is that pipe moving?
- That's a snake.

Yo, why those telephone poles so hairy?

Those are trees. Jesus...

Oh, sh*t! There's a flying mailbox.

That's an owl, you idiot.

You and Ethel need to get out there
and find Malloy now.

Actually, you fired Ethel this morning.

Ethel!

Why did you let me do
a stupid thing like that,

You dumb son of a bitch? She's the only
one of us that can track animals.

You get Ethel back and find Malloy!

I'm not getting her back.

I'm the one that got her fir-got-
I just said good-bye to her.

Oh, yeah? Well, you get her back
or you're fired.

- And you can say good-bye to this.
- That's not fair!

Well, neither is male breast cancer.

Man, this is awesome.

Listen, I'm sorry
I assumed you were a r*pist.

No problem.

Boy, I am stuffed.

You'bout to be.

- I can't let you do that, Ethel.
- What the hell are you doing here, Steve?

We need you at the park.
Malloy is missing.

I don't work there anymore.

And I think that I've earned this.

Jesus Christ!

The truth is I need you, Ethel.

I can't do this without you.

- You [bleep] sh*t me!
- And this is hard to admit,

But you're twice the ranger that I am.

I feel really cold and
lightheaded right now.

You just love talking about
yourself, don't you?

"Cold and lightheaded."
You're not even listening to me!

Come on! Get in the car.

The footprints end here.

Oh, well, that sucks.
Gave it our best sh*t.

That means he must be inside,
you idiot. Come on.

Malloy!

- Oh, thank god you're all right.
- Do I look all right?

Because of if I do,

that means you didn't notice
there's a man inside of me.

Holy sh*t, more company!
Come on in, y'all.

- I got plenty of chocolate.
- You are in big trouble, buddy.

You're gonna spend the next 3 days
picking up litter.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

Same-sex bear molestation is just
a misdemeanor.

I'm so glad everything
turned out okay.

No, everything turned out fine.
Except for the part where I was r*ped.

Well, Ethel, looks like
you get your job back.

Who gives a sh*t? I got r*ped.

Uh-uh. Steve, I guess you deserve
to keep this for a while.

You know what?

I think it's time for a change.

Looks even better on this side.

- It's like a whole different shirt now.
- You're an assh*le, you know that?

She thinks I'm an assh*le now.

She doesn't even know that
I spiked her coffee.

Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...

Wait a minute.
Am I thinking this or saying this?

- You spiked my coffee?
- Oops.

Only you can prevent big vats of acid.

I [bleep] love it.