01x02 - 2 Weeks Notice

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Brickleberry". Aired: September 25, 2012 – April 14, 2015.*
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
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01x02 - 2 Weeks Notice

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, boys, we've got a really large
group today, so please stay together.

Oh, Steve, thank goodness.

I need you to help me lead these
kids down The Rock Eagle Trail.

I'm having a hard time
keeping up with them myself.

I wish that I could, but I'm busy.

Doing what?

Updating my status.

"Had a hot dog for lunch.

Any spicy mustard fans out there?"

Uh... Lucas, no!

Stay with the group.

Come on, Steve, I really
need some help here.

This light is perfect.

And, I need a new profile photo.

Here, take it for me.

Please stay with the group.

Loving my hair today.

Ugh. Steve, do you ever think
about anybody but yourself?

You are the most self-centered
man on the planet.

Go on. What else about Steve
do you find fascinating?

Ugh. Not only do I not
find you fascinating,

but I doubt there is a single
woman alive that would.

For your information, Denzel and I
are doing speed dating tonight.

- I bet I'll score.
- There is no way that you're...

Oh, God!

Come on, kids. Up into the ferris wheel.

There's room for everybody.

Hey! It happened to me, and
I turned out all right.

Brickleberry...

So the North Koreans grabbed me,
and smuggled me across the border.

I had to spend nine months
in a hard labor camp,

while former President
Carter negotiated my...

I'm sorry, did you say something?

I was just making a list of people
who could play me in a movie.

I'm a... Kind of a cross
between Clooney and Pitt.

You might say I'm a "Clitt."

So...

Are we gonna get it on, or what?

- Denzel.
- What's with these women?

Man, you the problem.
You don't listen to 'em.

Now, you know me.
I like my women like spoiled milk...

White, and past the expiration date.

Watch and learn.

So he calls and he says,
"grandma, I got accepted."

Oh, my goodness, you're
telling me your grandson

got into Tulane on a full scholarship?

Mazel tov.

Now, how about we go back to your place
and knock the dust off that poontang?

Ooh! Thought you'd never ask.

It's just like Shakespeare said...

"If you yak about you,
your sack will turn blue.

But if you watch and listen,
her crotch will glisten."

- William Shakespeare said that?
- Who?

Nah. My boy Jamarcus Shakespeare.

Ran a chop shop in Detroit.

Brother pulled more hos
than a Fire Department.

Ethel and Denzel don't know
what they're talking about.

I'm not self-centered. Am I?

No. Don't even say that.

You're amazing!

Thank you. Finally, someone who
makes a little sense around here.

I appreciate how amazing you are.

Why don't you tell me everything
there is to know about you?

Me? My favorite subject.

My earliest memory was being the
fastest sperm in the balls.

Mmm. Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.

Mmm, nyum, yum, yum, yum.

Well, if it ain't the house bear.

Where you going, you spoiled little p*ssy?

Inside, where I live.

You guys have fun digging
through the garbage, though.

Ooh, I forgot, we put rocks on the lids.
Tough break, guys.

- Yo, gimme those.
- Hey, those are mine!

Okay, okay, you win.

Tell you what.

I'll bring you some food from
inside, just wait right here.

Malloy, what are you doing?

Getting a g*n.

What have I told you about g*ns?

To scratch the serial number
off before you m*rder someone.

No.

Only rangers can carry g*ns
inside of a National Park.

That rule sucks.

I just need to command a
little respect around here.

Trust me, I don't need
a g*n to get respect.

What's up, you fat old mother...

Handsome, strong...

Stupid, ignorant-ass...

All-around nice guy.

All right, maybe you've got a point.

So then, we get to her place
and start going at it.

Everything is getting hot and heavy.

She smells like menthol
rubs and female excitement,

when all of a sudden the parlor door opens.

- Mom...
- You got a mom?

You go to your room at once, young lady!

Cock blocked by a 90-year-old.
Ain't that some sh*t?

I am really sorry I asked about that.

Yeah!

I will have you know that
my self-centered ass

just scored with the hottest,
sexiest woman in the whole world!

I don't believe it.

And, she only wanted to talk about me.

She didn't waste my time talking about her.

Oh, yeah, and we had the
wildest sex you could imagine.

It wasn't until it was all over that she
finally asked for something for herself.

- What was that?
- Five hundred dollars.

I'm assuming it was for cab fare.

And I'm assuming the cab had to
take her to a different state.

I'm assuming, Mexico.

Steve, I think that woman was a...

How should I put this?

That bitch was a ho!

Don't talk about Lady Tanqueray like that!

Besides, if she was a prost*tute,
why didn't I wear a condom?

Right?

Steve, how many times have I warned you
about taking part in high-risk behaviors?

Oh, my God.

Someone just left this laying here?

Well, it is cold and flu season.

Is that corned beef?

I'll give you three bucks
for a bite of that.

Who wants to become blood brothers?

All of you? Okay!

Frankly, it's a statistical miracle
that you haven't gotten sick yet...

See?

- Until now.
- What?

Steve, medicine doesn't have words to
describe how horrific your illness is.

I've never seen it before, but...

Well, try to imagine if syphilis did it
with cancer and got full-blown aids.

Can-a-syphil-aids?

Yes, can-a-syphil-aids.

That has a nice ring to it, Steve.

The good news is, you'll
only be sick for two weeks.

Yes!

Because after that you'll be dead.

Oh, my God, Steve.

This is horrible news.

Feels like someone's ripped my
heart straight out of my chest.

Don't worry, Woody. It'll be okay.

No, it won't!

Do you know how much of a hassle it is to
hire a new ranger, you stupid dying idiot?

Malloy, what are you doing?

Just practicing the jig I'm
going to do on Steve's grave.

Can you believe my luck?
That moron's dying.

Now make me the new ranger
and give me my g*n.

A bear ranger? What's next?

Forgiving your dad for making you wear

panties and a padded bra just
because he missed his dead wife?

I'm not mom, dad!

She's gone!

Steve, I can't believe that you're dying.

Yeah, Steve. I'm sad.

Don't be so sad, guys.

In two weeks, I'll be in heaven.

What? You guys don't think
I'm going to heaven?

Uh, no.

My son, in order to get to heaven you need
to accept Jesus Christ into your heart

as your personal Lord and savior.

Done. I (Bleeping) Love him. What else?

You need to do nice things for people.

On it. I just bought myself an iPad 3

and an all-access pass to a
website called PubeTube...

Steven, I mean good deeds for other people.

Oh.

Uh, hypothetically, what if I've
never helped another person... Ever?

Then you'll burn in hell for all eternity.

I can't spend nine months in hell!

That's maternity, Steven.

Eternity is forever.

Oh, no! You gotta get me out of this!

Please!

There's still time, son.

Just go out there and help others.

Ethel. She does good stuff.

She even started a camp for blind kids.

Good! Do what she does.

Oh, she'll help you get into heaven.

Wait. Wouldn't it be better if I just
followed you around? You're a priest.

Too busy, Steven. I've got this other gig

where I dress as a clown.

I need to ask you something important.

Steve, I told you, the juice
boxes are for the campers.

I wanted to ask for your forgiveness.

I'm sorry for being so self-centered,
and I want to help you do good deeds.

I'm a brand-new Steve, who just
wants to help other people.

Like this one.

You shouldn't be playing with sticks.
You could put your eye out.

Steve, if you want, you
can read to the kids.

Come on, kids. Story time!

Hello?

Hello, this is Dr. Kuzniak.

I have some very important
information for Steve.

Can you tell him that he's not dying?

It turns out I accidentally mixed up his
blood sample with another patient's.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the holy...

Steve, the doctor called!
He has important news for you!

Page 43. We're into the
lace corset section.

It's the same chick from page 12,
but you can see her jugs better.

Oh, Steve. It's like you've
helped the blind to see.

Now, what was that doctor's big news?

Um... Just that you're still dying.

So I'm supposed to believe that he called
me, just to tell me I'm still dying?

Oh.

Man, that doctor's a (Bleeping) assh*le.

Kids, this is the last day
being blind is going to

prevent you from doing anything you want.

Draw...

Release!

How'd we do?

Ethel. I've spent the whole
day showing blind kids

that they can do anything
non-crippled kids can.

That's wonderful, Steve.

Wow. It's amazing how much this
dying thing has changed Steve.

I know, right? He's actually
kind of pleasant to be around.

Which is why I...
Connie, can I tell you something?

Steve isn't really dying.

The doctor called.
It turns out he isn't even sick at all.

That's great news! Let's tell him.

Would it be horrible if
we hold off telling him?

You know, maybe ride the "nice
Steve" wave a little bit longer?

Ethel, that's really selfish of you.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,
but it's for the good of the kids.

Now who's having fun?

What's going on in here?

Oh, I'm interviewing for our next ranger.

Just hire me, and let's be done with this.

Daddy's busy, honey.
Why don't you go outside and play?

- No, I'm good.
- Suit yourself. Next!

Good afternoon. Welcome...

Eh! I'm gonna stop you right there.

What's the company policy on angel dust?

It's illegal in the park, and in
these United States of America.

Well, sh*t! I'm back in the States?
Since when?

Man, you know what can really
make you forget where you are?

Angel dust.

By the way, can you advance me 20
bucks to score some angel dust?

- Next!
- Man, I love angel dust.

- Next!
- I can only ej*cul*te

- by setting things on fire.
- Next!

- I like lollipops.
- Next!

I want this job because I like animals.

No, I love animals.

Some people say I love animals too
much, you know what I'm saying?

Next!

And, I'm a certified lifeguard.

Well, I'm impressed.

Well, everything looks good.

- He's Canadian.
- What?!

Get out of my office, you disgusting freak!

That is what you get when you
put an ad in a newspaper.

Stupid dying medium.

Malloy, can you help me
post an ad on the Internet

that doesn't attract a
bunch of wacko nut jobs?

Oh, I think I can help you with that.

- Hello?
- It's Denzel.

Oh, right. The colored kid.

Oh, well, Myrtle isn't here right now...

Oh, I didn't call to talk to Myrtle.

I called to talk to you, baby.

Oh, I see.

Agnes, I think you fine as hell.
I like mature women.

Myrtle's just too young and naive for me.

Oh, Denzel, stop it.

You're embarrassing me.

So, uh, what are you wearing right now?

A polyester housecoat and gown. Why?

No, I mean under that.

Oh... Well, a brassiere and a girdle.

No, baby. I mean under that.

A diaper.

Now, that's nasty.

Thanks for the best week of my life, Steve.

Don't cry, Frankie.
We'll see each other soon.

Well, I'll see you soon.
Oh, wait. I'll be dead.

Steve, you have been so amazing.

And... Look, I'll be honest.

You always disgusted me.
I found you repulsive.

You know, like when fat people kiss.
But you've changed.

You now seem so...

Sweet and compassionate.

And now that we're alone...

Ethel, as much as I'd love to dip
my diseased donk in your bonk,

I need to find some more good deeds
to do or I'm gonna burn in hell!

Please stop dragging me across the street.

Three more times and I'll let you go.

At least let me use my wheelchair.

No time!

Come on, kitty. Jump.

"Craigslist." Now what?

Okay, first things first.

You don't want to hire a child, so
click on the "adults only" section.

"Adults only." Good thinking.

Now we don't need another
female ranger, right?

- Hell, no!
- And you're a man, of course.

So go ahead and click "men seeking men."

Wow, this is easier than I thought.

Hey, Steve. What are you doing?

I'm doing good deeds for the rangers.

The ones I tried to do in town didn't work
out so well, and I'm running out of time.

- Can we talk for a second?
- Not now.

Denzel asked me to swallow these
condoms and drive to Mexico.

But first, I promised Connie a spa day.

Steve! I need another mimosa.

Listen, Connie.
What you said before about telling Steve?

I agree with you now.
It's time I told him the truth.

No way. This is great.

I've never been so pampered in my life.

You are taking advantage of him.
It's not right.

I'm gonna tell him right... Oh!

If you ruin this, I will break you.

Your ad said you need a man who is
willing to submit to your authority?

Yes, Sir. And I'm gonna
work you long and hard.

I'm willing to get down
on my hands and knees

and do whatever it takes to satisfy you.

See, Malloy?
That's what you call commitment.

If you say so.

I want you to shove your fist up
my ass and work me like a puppet.

Well, if that's code for having a good
work ethic, let me go get the paperwork.

Whoa! What the (Bleep)?

So, Steve, I was thinking.
You're about to die a horrible death.

Condolences. Anyhow, I was wondering
if you could do me a small favor.

Sure, I'll help you.

Hear that, God? I'm helping an animal.

Just tell Woody that your dying
wish is for me to have your job.

God put three types of animals on Earth.

One type to eat, one type
to ride, and whales.

So sayeth the Lord.

Would you stop it with all this God crap?

You blasphemer!

Steve, I know that you're dumb,
but try to listen closely.

- There is no God.
- What?

If there were a God, how do you
explain hunger, suffering, and w*r?

You know, Africa.

I'll ask God next week when I'm in heaven.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need
to give Connie a Brazilian.

I'm ready.

You're right! There is no God!

Steve?

Damn it!

Come back here, chipyunk!

Fight like a man!

Hey, Steve! Stop it!

Why? There is no God.

What's the difference?

The difference is you're not dying.

The doctor called last week and told me.

I just didn't tell you because I...
I really...

I really like the new Steve.

Bullshit! You're just lying to me
so I don't blow Bambi's brains out.

Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay.

Su... Suppose you are dying.

Is this really how you want
to spend your last few days?

You know what? You're right.

- I'm wasting precious time.
- Thank you.

There's way more messed up
sh*t I've always wanted to do!

Really?

Angel dust!

Mother? I need to speak
to you about Denzel.

You can't tell me who to date.

Myrtle! I thought you had
a dialysis appointment.

How could you, mother?
You're going down, bitch!

I just did, on the colored kid.

And it was heavenly.

Huuh-ya!

Oof! Ow!

Myrtle, no! No!

Oh, man.

Get your hands off me. He's mine.

Oh, sh*t!

I never loved you.

Ladies, ladies, calm down!

I know how we can work this out.

Man, y'all are freaks.

I bet you ain't smiled like that
since you got the right to vote.

Right, girl?

Uh-oh.

Uh, Myrtle, I think your mama dead.

Myrtle?

God damn it.

Let's be honest, we all
took advantage of Steve.

We preyed on his insecurities, and we
didn't tell him that he's not dying.

Wait, Steve's not really dying?

Damn, you colder than those two
dead women I just had sex with.

Uh, I mean, uh... How can we help Steve?

Steve, it's me.

God.

You can't be God. You're black.

Yeah, I'm black. What's wrong with that?

Uh... Nothing.

That's right, mother (Bleeper).
If I wasn't God, could I do this?

You are God.
I'm sorry I lost my faith, God.

I've done bad things. And in three days,
I'll be going straight to hell, huh?

Yeah, that's what you deserve,
but I'm here to heal your sh*t.

Behold the power of God.

You're healed.

Thank you, God.

I... Don't feel any different.

- Trust me, you're fine.
- How can I ever repay you?

Okay, you know your friend Denzel?

If the cops ask you where
he was at last night

between 7:00 and 8:30,
you say he was with you

playing Wii bowling or
some sh*t at your crib.

Now I gots to bounce.

Wait! I need to ask you something.

I can't hold this much longer.

What, my son? Make it quick.

Will you give me super-strong robot arms?

- No.
- Regular strength robot arms?

No! No robot arms!

- Just the hands?
- Hell, no.

- Fair enough, God.
- All right, I'm out.

Oh, my God. It's all a sham!

Steve? Now be cool, man.
We just trying to help.

A fake beard, God? You have a fake beard?

Why do you mislead us all?

Damn, you stupid.

Well, Malloy, turns out you were
the best candidate after all.

And I know that you will
make your daddy proud.

And, now that you are an official park
ranger, you're authorized to carry this.

Please use it responsibly.

Of course.

Hey, look. It's the house bear.

Look at that uniform!

I quit.

Hey, everybody, good news!

I'm not dying anymore!

Now, Woody, I would like my job back.

I plan on being around for a long time.

That is good news. Because your so-called
replacement over here just quit!

I knew you weren't responsible
enough to respect a g*n.

These things aren't toys, Malloy!

"Look at me, I've got a big g*n!
Doe, tee-doe, tee-doe, tee-doe!"

Whoopsie.

As if I didn't have enough bullshit,
now I've got blood on my wall!

Congratulations, Steven.

I'm glad to tell you you
just squeaked into heaven.

Who the hell are you?

I am God, my son.

Welcome to my glorious kingdom.

This man is a fraud!

Everyone knows God is black!

You g*dd*mn God impostor!

That does it. You just bought
yourself a one-way ticket to hell.

Yup. Makes sense.
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