01x03 - Saved by the Balls

[bunniefuu]

- All right, rangers, we have got a problem.

Do you know what this is? Hmm.

2009 Baja Red.

Playful on the nose, very dry on the palate, hints of Eucalyptus, Stone Fruits, and Kalamata Olives.

What? No, it's marijuana.

God, I figured if anyone would know, it would be you, Denzel.

Why? Because all black men love weed? No, because you love weed.

Look at your shirt.

Ho, that's right! Who don't like smokin' up? Uh, I don't because I'm not in the sixth grade, and I have sh*t to do.

I confiscated this from a dirty hippie Who's got an idea for how to smoke out these dope growin' draft dodgers? Come on, guys, get creative.

I know how we can get some inspiration.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

We have to build a rocket To spy on the hippies from outer space, man.

Yeah! But the rocket's gotta be shaped like a big, hairy dinosaur d*ck! With giant, purple pterodactyl wings.

A hairy dinosaur d*ck with wings? That is brilliant! We'll swoop down and laser g*n the bastards! - Yeah! - That's it! I love weed.

Connie! Call NASA.

We need a Jurassic (Bleep) rocket and a shitload more Funyuns.

We're dead.

I can't feel my face.

I think we're dead.

I've got bugs all over me! Aah! Brickleberry.

Great, we just wasted twelve hours, and the only decent idea we had was attacking them with a genetically engineered cat robot.

I still think it can work.

Choo, choo! Ch-ch-choo! No, I'm calling in the Feds.

Why? Denzel and I can take these hippies down.

Besides, I always wanted to be an undercover cop.

Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh! - Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh - Get off of me! Now, the DEA is gonna handle this.

- But Woody, I - No! There's no way in hell I'm gonna let you screw this up! You're way too stupid! And as for Denzel It's all good.

I don't wanna be no undercover cop.

You don't? But it's so cool! Hey, could you two idiots play good cop, black cop on your own time? I'm calling the DEA.

- Malloy! What are you doing? - Phone sex.

What's it look like, you crazy, co-dependent (Bleep) sucker? Ohh! Whoa! Malloy, that's even mean for you.

Not as mean as your mom for getting pregnant by backing up to a glory hole in a waffle house.

What are you laughing at, you (Bleep)? Nice try trying to sneak outta here, you dump truck with tits.

My God, Malloy.

What is happening to you? Lately, you've been incredibly mean, and you've been humping Ohh, he's (Bleeping) my lunch! You can eat this in a minute.

Now, stick your finger in my butt, so I can finish.

Ethel, can we talk? - Sorry, that's my stomach.

- Connie, are you okay? Yeah, I'm having a little bit of a cash flow problem.

Haven't eaten in a week.

Can I borrow some money? For food? Of course.

No, silly, for my telephone psychic.

I call her all the time.

She's very expensive.

Connie, I am not loaning you money to throw away on some stupid psychic.

I thought you were my friend, Ethel.

Oh, Connie.

Now, that one was my vag*na.

Welcome, gentlemen.

I'm your point man here, Special Detective Ranger enforcer Steve Williams.

I'm prepared to handle any sort of secret combat or spying mission you require of me.

Yes, um, Special Detective Williams.

You're just the man we want to see.

- I am? - Oh, yeah.

We got a job for you.

Denzel! The Feds are on the ground for less than five minutes, and I already landed a key transport mission! You're carrying their luggage, dumb ass.

I heard Robocop had to do the same thing on his first day.

You don't wanna become a cop.

Trust me, Steve.

The Jackson family's always been cops.

My father, cop.

His father, cop.

His father, cop.

His father, sl*ve.

But he really didn't have a choice.

Wow, that's a lot of cops.

Why didn't you become one too? Because they all got their asses k*lled in the line of duty.

It's just a bunch of pot-growing hippies.

It would be so easy to just go Oh, that's disturbing.

Malloy, stop humping the duffel bag! It's a valise, you peasant.

Don't you snap at me! What's wrong with him? It's normal, Woody.

It's puberty.

His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone, hence the mood swings.

He'll be full-grown practically overnight.

No, I don't want that! There's got to be some way to stop this.

Aw! Where am I? Oh, remember, honey? Daddy took you to the vet to get your Teeth cleaned? My balls are k*lling me! Eh, they look all right.

You had me neutered? Hey, you won't be mean anymore.

Plus, you'll be forever young, just like d*ck Clark.

Steve, I'm starting to think you lied to me about there being an amusement park out here.

Why are you so suspicious? Well, for one, I never heard of no Six Flags over Brickleberry.

And for two, we are clearly following those undercover agents.

They are really going to appreciate us getting their backs during their top-secret undercover meeting.

What? Steve, I told you I don't want no part of this.

Oh, great, look who it is.

Our favorite tree cops, doofus and d*ck-breath.

Yeah, piss off.

If we see any fish or trees jaywalking, we'll let you know.

You do that.

Affirmative.

10-4.

Here's our chance to do something police-y.

Hold it! Stay clear of that shed over there.

My two DEA buddies are about to bust some marijuana farmers, and they are tough So tough that they aren't even wearing bulletproof vests.

Thank you.

You have been very helpful.

Hmm Something must've tipped him off.

Steve, we gotta get outta here! My name is Nikolai.

You two must be our new growers from California.

Actually, there's been a huge misunder Yeah, we're the new growers from California! - Say what? - What is your name, my friend? Uh I'm - Mario? - Mario what? Uh - Brothers? - Mario Brothers? - Then who's this? - Oh! That's Ted Tris.

Ted Tris? And Mario Brothers? Welcome to the Russian marijuana cartel! Tell me a little bit about yourself Mario Brothers.

I'm a plumber, and I've got a brother named Luigi.

I've also had a bad history with this fire-breathing turtle.

What the hell are you talking about, Steve? I see that I'm the only one that worked on my back story.

As you can see, our crops are suffering.

Last grower did a terrible job.

Sadly, he passed away.

From what? From me sh**ting him multiple times in the brain.

That's not funny.

But that should not be problem for you two.

All you need to do is to make these sick, near-death plants flourish like they've never flourished before.

You have one week.

Uh, hypothetically, what if the plants need a extra day or two? That's fine.

As long as you don't mind getting, eh How you say? Punched in the kisser? Punched in the kisser? Woo, that don't sound so bad.

In Russia, punch means s*ab and kisser means anus hole.

A whole week? Heh! Weeks are for pussies.

- We can do it by tomorrow.

- Okay, Mr.

Brothers.

Plants grow by tomorrow, or you die.

Good luck! We've got him right where we want him.

You stupid dumb ass! How could you promise we could turn this schwag into b*mb-diggity chronic by tomorrow? Look at this big-ass field.

It's nothing but seeds and stems.

Don't you know how to grow this stuff? Steve, I don't grow this sh*t.

I smoke this sh*t! Well, not to worry.

Your pal Mario's got two green thumbs.

Three, if you count my penis.

I should probably get to a hospital.

Stupid Woody trying to change me.

I don't need bear beans to be Malloy.

Woody, you know how fat you are? Uh About Average for an American man your age.

Ethel, you look lovely.

What the hell am I saying? Connie, the d*ke store called And they've apologized For their very offensive name.

Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.

We dead.

I knew it.

Wait a minute.

I remember something.

His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone.

He'll be full-grown practically overnight.

- Overnight.

Overnight.

- That's it! Steve, have you lost your g*dd*mn mind? This is your plan? Bear ball juice? It's testosterone.

- Didn't you see my thought bubble? - Man, I'm getting outta here.

White people do some (Bleeped) up sh*t.

Connie? What the hell are you doing? You wouldn't loan me money, and I needed to call my psychic, so I'm selling this hot ass.

Eh, how's that been going for ya? Not bad.

Most people speed up.

One guy swerved to hit me, and a couple hunters sh*t at me because they thought I was a bison.

I tell you what.

Here's a number for a new psychic named Madam Ethlia.

Uh, Etheliola.

- Eth Ethelopia.

- Madam Ethelia? Sure, whatever.

She's the best, and she's totally free.

Hot dog.

I'm gonna call her right now.

A-a-all right.

See ya, Connie.

- Hello? - Madam Ethelia? - My name is Connie.

- Oh, Connie, yes, I know.

I was expecting your call.

Expecting my call? Wow, you are psychic.

Hop on in! I have always wanted to have sex with a bison.

Uh Man, I hate Mother Nature.

Why'd she have to make all these trees and scary spiders and animals and sh*t? They're coming for me! No.

Just need to stay calm.

I bet this would help squash my paranoia.

- Hey, son.

- Pops? - Damn, this is some good sh*t.

- I'm proud of you, boy.

- You finally an undercover cop.

- I don't wanna be! Some bad dude's about to k*ll me.

- What should I do? - Just do what I always did.

Don't fake no funk, don't jiggity-jive, and if they give you the smack-'em-whack-'em, you dipsy-doodle them cats right back.

- What? - sh*t, boy.

You best get with it.

I gotta stop smokin' weed.

Ooh, there's the road! - Oh, man.

- Morning, Ted Tris! So excited to see how you make plants grow.

Get in car, or I sh**t you.

Hoo, whew! I'm tired.

Oh, boy, I'm gonna just rest here.

You go ahead.

I'll catch up.

You're black and funny like the Urkel.

Oh, well.

Can you at least cut my throat before you s*ab my assh*le? Big enough for ya? You are super, Mario Brothers! Mario, you are genius.

Brilliant.

You are my number one guy.

Tell me Anyone disrespect you? No, no, no, no.

Not at all.

Eh, well, earlier, I sneezed, and Ivan didn't say "bless you.

" That That doesn't Holy sh*t! And now I have no son.

That was your son? Oh, my God.

You must really like me.

Keep this up, and you will be a made man.

Really? That's even cooler than being an undercover cop Not that I am one.

Now, what do you comrades need? Nothing is too good for you.

Aw, we're simple men.

We don't need much.

Steve, this undercover stuff has been fun, but I'm a little worried we're getting in too deep.

Don't be ridiculous.

Uh, gentlemen, your lunch as requested An endangered white tiger carcass full of crunch berries.

I told you to take out all the blue ones! You know, Steve, we aren't actually doing any police work.

What do you mean? We've sacrificed everything to eliminate the evil scourge that is dr*gs.

Now, come on, let's do some blow and relax.

Doc.

Is it possible to reattach a pair of testicles? No.

That's what a licensed doctor would say.

But lucky for you, I have an unhealthy obsession with experimental medicine.

Bring me your gonads, and I'll be happy to reattach them.

Heck, for the right price, I'd even sew a d*ck to your forehead.

- Hola.

- Hi, Madame Ethelia.

Will I find true love? Hola.

What's next month's $5 footlong gonna be? Why do my pits smell like fried chicken? How many fingers am I holding up? When will the robots take over? - Ah! Stop! - Oh, Ethel, please.

If you keep screaming, we'll never find my car keys.

Woody, that pot farm is bigger than we thought.

It's run by the Russian Cartel.

I've infiltrated the organization, and they're inducting me into their inner circle tonight.

Wow, Steve, I'm impressed.

Did you gather any evidence? Of course I did.

I am Nikolai.

I am a bad man.

I grow dr*gs.

Then I sell them.

That's you on the tape, Steve.

Duh, it's a reenactment.

I wasn't gonna take a recorder in there.

They'd k*ll me.

Well, congratulations, Steve.

You're the stupidest son of a bitch in the history of Earth.

I don't have to take this.

I'm going back to the cartel for good.

They respect me and think I'm a genius! Hey, genius.

You just walked into the shitter.

Steve, do you know where Woody hid my balls, I can't find them anywhere? Balls? What balls? I didn't take any balls.

I didn't say you took them.

But I will say nice outfit.

Looks snazzy.

Did I just say snazzy? Okay.

I wanna die.

Come on, Denzel.

Let's get back to work.

Steve, I'm staying here.

You should too.

We're in over our heads, man.

It's not safe.

I can't believe you're giving up.

You are a disgrace to your family name.

Jackson? I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who disgraced that name.

What is matter, Mario? Aren't you excited about initiation? Eh, my stupid boss Er, Woody, who is not my boss because I'm not a Park Ranger.

I'm a drug manager.

Is that what we're called? This Woody, he disrespected you? - I will take care of it.

- Thank you.

No "gesundheit," mama? No one in this family has manners.

It's the truth, Malloy.

I don't know what happened to your testes.

Jeesh, I'm just as upset as you are.

Oh, have you been castrated this week? Because I have.

You've played Mario Brothers for the last time.

Mario, before you're accepted into our inner circle, you need to go through rite of passage.

Sure, what is it? Swallow a goldfish? Shotgun a beer? Jerk off a mall Santa? What? k*ll this man, and you will be cartel member for life.

Best part is this is your mortal enemy.

Bowser? Steve? Who is Steve? I-I don't know.

Not me, that's for sure.

Nobody calls Mario "Steve"! Please k*ll him.

Ethel, you look so tired.

What, do you got stuff on your mind? You should totally call madam Ethelia.

I talk to her all day and all night.

Connie, what if you found out that the psychic you've been talking to wasn't a real psychic, but just a good friend with a really great body? Hmm, let's see.

I guess I'd be as crushed as I've ever been and might even k*ll myself and a few co-workers too.

Hmm, okay.

Well, what if she made, like, a huge prediction and, just got it way wrong? Would that make you stop believing in psychics? Yeah, I guess it would.

Well, you should call her right now.

Connie, so glad you called.

I have a big, huge prediction for you.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

What is it? Um The morning sun will turn black as night.

All the birds will fall from the sky.

Uh, also, blood will flow from Your head and, uh Your left, um cankle.

Oh, no, not my cankle.

I hope everyone's okay.

Should I do something? No.

No, Denzel.

Don't wanna end up like your daddy.

Oh, I see.

You don't wanna end up like the old man, pushin' up petals, - discoing with dirt? - No, pops, I was just What's up, boy? You all 'fraidy like a house cat? Yes, yes! I'm 'fraidy, okay? Because I don't wanna die like you, pops.

Let me tell you something, son.

Them corner boys may have iced me, but you know what? At least I went out doing the right thing with my head held high.

Slammin', blammin', whammin', jammin', prammin', crammin', dammin', lammin'.

Can you honestly say that about yourself? I can't say that at all because I don't know what the (Bleep) you saying.

Steve, please.

Don't k*ll me.

I'm sorry I called you the stupidest son of a bitch on the planet.

I'm sure there are plenty of assholes dumber than you are! Steve, if you k*ll me, I'll fire you! Come on, Mario.

What are you waiting for? k*ll him! I'm sorry.

That man's right.

My name is Steve.

I'm a tree cop, and proud of it.

And now, I'm going to arrest all of you.

Okay.

How about if I only arrest a couple of you? Stop, everyone! Or I destroy these.

You bastard, you stole my fun plums! That's right.

These fun plums are the secret behind your giant weed.

And if you sh**t me, you'll just be sh**ting No! My cub makers! They're gone! Okay, the bear lost his cub makers.

Now you die.

Yo, jive turkeys! Pimp trampy and shrimp scampi! And, uh, I don't know.

Connie, how long are you gonna stare at the sun? I am pretty sure nothing is gonna happen.

Oh, no? Then what's that? Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh, my God.

The sun.

The birds.

The blood from my head and bloated cankle.

Miss Ethelia was right.

I'm gonna call her every day for the rest of my life.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm psychic.

Stop! Or I'll slit his fat, bullfrog-like throat.

I don't think so.

- Oh! - Oops! Heh, sorry.

There's something wrong with this g*n.

I warmed it up for you.

I feel like hammered sh*t.

Rest easy, boss.

I'm glad everything turned out fine.

Yeah, Steve.

I'm sorry I doubted ya.

Breaking up that Russian Cartel took some balls.

Speaking of balls, mine are k*lling me.

What? Doc, what the hell Where are my balls? Where the hell are my balls? Oh, it's quite simple, Woody.

You looked dead, and I hate taking pulses.

And since you are an organ donor Payback's a bitch.

Aah!