02x08 - Little Boy Malloy

[bunniefuu]

[Siren wails]

- License
and regis...tration.

- Here you go, rangers.

- Ugh.

- I, uh--i--

Excuse us, ma'am.

- Oh, sh*t.

Did you see how ug--
- beautiful she is?

Yeah.
- Beautiful?

Steve,
she looks just like you,

But with smaller titties.

- Keep it in your pants,
denzel.

I saw her first.

- Oh, did I hit something?

- Only my heart
with your arrow of love.

And also all these animals.

- [Groans]
help me.

- Sorry, I was just
reading a book.

I get so bored when I drive.

- Viggo mortensen
and lasagna?

My two favorite things!

Hi. I'm steve williams.
Ranger of the month.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

I'm ranger of the month.
Steve williams.

- I'm stephanie bridges.

I teach
at hazelhurst elementary.

I would love to have
a big, powerful ranger

Come and speak to my class
sometime.

- A power ranger?
I want to see that.

- A power ranger
is speaking to my class?

I didn't even know about that.

Awesome.

- If these mother[bleep]
have a baby,

I'm hitting that bitch
with a brick.

- Aah!

- ♪ Brickleberry

- Thanks for helping me
with computer dating, connie.

You're such a good friend.

- I'd do anything for you,
ethel.

- I know.

- Anything.

- Uh, yeah.
Got it.

- Anything.
- Got it!

- No. No, seriously.

Anyth--
- I know!

God, I hope this works.

Why do I have such bad luck
with men?

- Maybe you've just been
dating the wrong people.

- What?
Don't be silly.

- And that's
why I worship satan.

[Laughs]
kidding.

I'd love to make a hammock
out of your skin.

- [Singsong]
I like vag*na.

- Hmm.

Is this kosher?

- Ugh, you're right.

My sister has
the perfect marriage,

And I'm on the internet
playing date r*pe roulette.

- Oh, you mean craigslist.

- Hey, wait.
This guy seems perfect.

Strong, passionate,
wants a family,

Willing to do anything...
- [Mouths silently]

- Anything. Anything.
- [Mouths silently]

- Wait a minute.
It's you.

- [Nervous chuckle]
how'd that get on there?

- Isn't that hilarious?

I mean, I thought it
was someone perfect for me,

And it was just you.
[Laughs]

- Yeah.
That's hilarious.

I'll be right back.

- Connie,
really need you.

- Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Ugh! Ow.

- Look at this guy.
He's handsome, he owns a car.

Oh, and look.
Only two roommates--

His mother and father.

[Program alerts]

And he wants to take me
to a fancy restaurant.

- [Sneezes]

- You know,
that reminds me.

I'm hitting the age
where I'd like to have kids.

- Yeah, I like
hitting kids too.

Who do I gotta [bleep]
up the ass

To get some corn bread?

Mm. Mm.

So the broad gives birth
as I'm banging her.

[Laughs]

That counts
as a threesome, right?

- You're late on your
child support payments, ken.

- What?
I don't even know you.

Tell alopecia
daddy said happy birthday.

- You know what?
I'm out of here!

- Baby, baby.
I'm sorry.

I just made that up
to impress you.

Can we start over?

I'll treat you the way
you deserve.

Hurry up.

I'm harder than chinese math.

Sit on my penis.

- What's that, ken?

- Shut up, ma!

I'm about to get some!

Oh. Oh, baby.

I'm gonna make love to you
all ni--

I-i-i--ah--ah--

Ech--eek--agh.
Ugh.

Okay, I'm done.

- Can I at least
get a ride home?

- Jeez, fine.

Mom!

Give her a ride home!

- I am a...

[Stammers]
pa--pa--park--

- What the hell are you
two idiots up to?

We've had three snake att*cks,
a camper vandalized a moose,

And I found a human head
in the fire pit!

- Did you say "human"?

Aw, I was hoping
it was connie's.

- I'm gonna k*ll you
one day, malloy.

- What?
- Uh, nothing.

- Guys, could you
keep it down?

I'm trying to practice
my speech

For stephanie's school.

Good morning,
boys and girls.

My name is--
- hanukkah jizz tonsil?

- Yes. My name is
hanukkah jizz tonsil.

Wait.
No, it's not.

Wait. Is it?
sh**t.

- He's awful
at literally everything.

- [Sighs]
I am a park ra--

[Retches]

- I think the kids
are gonna love it.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Ugh, we hear that
once a month.

- So how did it go
last night?

- Typical.

We had soup,
and he spooged in his pants.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Lucy!

[Whispers]
it's my bitch sister.

It's been years.
How are you?

I've--i've been meaning
to call you.

- Just traveling
with the family

On al pacino's private jet.

Our son, randy, is going
to be in al's next movie.

- Oh, wow. That's--

- And then, of course,
my husband, hubert.

He just sold his business,

So now we're in the market
for a new island.

We were going to buy haiti,

But it's too much
of a fixer-upper.

Speaking of poor black people,
how are you?

- Oh, I'm married
with a great family too!

[Gasps]
- you have a family?

Did you bite a hole
in the condom

Or have a five-guy
cream pie?

Just kidding.
I can't wait to meet them.

We're turning
this plane around.

We're coming to see you.

- Oh, no, no.
Don't!

Uh, uh--
don't--don't do that.

[Dial tone]
oh, my god!

[Cell phone rings]
lucy, listen. I--

- Nah, it's ken.

Sorry about last night.

Why don't you come over now

And I'll make it up to you?

I'll bend you over and--

Ah, ah, ah, ah--
oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ugh!

Okay, done.

No need to come over.

[Phone beeps]

- And that's what it means
to be a park ranger.

[Children cheer]

[School bell rings]

- That was great, steve.

I want to thank you.

What are you waiting for,
power ranger?

- Go ahead, steve.
Stick it in me.

Ah...

- Aah!
Oh, my god.

I was having the best dream!

- I am so screwed.

My sister and her husband
are on their way

To brickleberry right now.

- I didn't know
you had a sister.

- That's because
I've been trying

To wish her
out of my life.

- Psst.
Hey, ethel.

For 100 bucks, I can
make that wish come true.

It's been a while
since I fed my dark passenger.

- So anyway,

My sister makes me crazy.

I mean, our whole lives,
she's always had it

Better than me.

- Congratulations.

You're the parents

Of a perfect,
beautiful baby girl.

And this thing.

Should I toss it?

- What could we do?
Santa loves her more.

- You look beautiful, lucy.

- [Singsong]
I like vag*na.

- Oh, she's on her way.

What am I gonna do?
I know.

One of you
could pose as my husband.

Woody?
- No!

- Steve?
- Sorry. Already in love.

- [Sighs]
where am I gonna find a husband?

- r*cist bitch.

Treating me like
I'm a mexican or something.

- Where am I gonna
find a husband?

[Gasps]
ugh!

And I need a kid.

Hey! Psst.
Little boy.

Do you want some candy?

Gotcha!

- Aah! Help, daddy!

- Get away from my kid!
What's the matter with you?

- I want your son.
Bad!

I've got money!

No! Wait!

You can join in
and play my husband!

[Crying]
please.

- That's good to see
you're dating again.

- Welcome
to brickleberry park.

- Thank you.

It's so nice they hire
the mentally challenged.

Not really.
I hate them.

- Oh, my god, they're here.

- What?

Aah! No! No!

No, what are you doing?

[Razor buzzes]
get away from me!

Help! Oh!

[Knock on door]

- Ethel.

Oh, my god.
It's so nice to see you.

This must be my nephew.

- You are dead.

[Growls]
- ugh!

Ugh!
Ha, ha, ha.

Little cranky pants
didn't have his nap.

- I am gonna [bleep]
claw your eyes out!

- Tantrums are normal
for gifted kids.

- I'm not a kid.
I'm a wild animal.

- And he has
such a colorful imagination.

Well, and adhd.
Ow!

Go play, honey.

- Oh!

- Uh, okay.

Now where's that husband

You were telling me
so much about?

- Uh, yeah.
He's--um, ah--

- I'm right here, honey.
- [Muffled speech]

- Hi, I'm conner.
Ethel's loving husband.

- [Muffled screaming]

- Well, I see malloy's
calmed down quite a bit.

- That's our malloy.

Playful one minute,
a perfectly well-behaved child

The next.

- [Groans]

I can hear my blood.

- He's hypoglycemic.

- So, conner, what do you
do for a living?

- Brain surgeon.

- Gynecologist
for supermodels.

- Well, which is it?

You do brain surgery
on gynecologists

Or gynecology
on supermodel brain surgeons?

- I build robots.

So how about those packers
this week?

- Packers?

Football season
doesn't start for five months.

- I know.
I was talking about the, uh--

Fudge-packers.

Stupid h*m*
want to get married.

Am I right?

[Forced laugh]

- Conner!

Isn't it time to get malloy
to school?

Like, right now?

It's a school
for the gifted.

He's a prodigy.

- Num, num, num, num, num.

[Blows raspberry]

[Laughs]

- Oh, I'd love
to see his school.

Mind if I tag along?

- [Growls]
I don't see why the hell not.

Okay, here we are.
Have a good day, baby.

Ugh.
[Tires squeal]

- Hey, look who it is.

It's the new kid.

Hey, new kid.

Ugly town called.

You just got voted mayor.

[Children exclaim]

- Oh! Think about how ugly
that means he is.

- You're also mayor
of diarrhea town.

- Ooh!
- Aw, snap!

That's the worst town
I ever heard of.

- My boyfriend is so funny.

- This is called a girlfriend.

Something you'll never have.

[Children exclaim]

- Either he called him gay

Or he's got a fear
of commitment.

- Listen, buddy.
Here's what's gonna happen.

First, I'm gonna take
your friends.

Then I'm gonna take
your girlfriend.

And when you
have nothing left,

I'm going to k*ll you.

You know what?

Think I'm gonna like school.

- As a park ranger,
it's pin-port-tint--

Important to know
how to [bleep] out a fire.

Ah! Put out a fire.

Damn it! I'm gonna blow it
with stephanie.

- Aw, come on. Steve.

Think about what I said.

- I don't know, denzel.

Imagining the audience naked

Really doesn't work for me.

- Just trying to help.

All right,
time for plan "b."

I'm gonna pump the kids up
for you.

Trust me.
It's all about showmanship.

- Aw. Thanks, man.
Woody?

You're here to help me
with my speech too?

- What speech?
Aah!

Either I drank way too much
last night or--

Or I'm a werewolf!

[Howls]

- So bottom line, I'm gonna
go along with ethel's charade

Long enough to destroy
this bully's life.

- Hey, malloy.
I've been there.

I used to get bullied too.

My old man would show up
at school,

Take the lunch money
my mom gave me,

b*at the piss out of me
with an extension cord.

Was it humiliating?
Sure.

But I showed him.

I started to enjoy
the beatings.

[Whispers]
sexually.

- Okay.

I'm gonna get
off your lap now.

- Great talk, son.

Hey, by the way,
did you get a haircut?

- All right, kids.
Settle down.

We're about to bring out

A remarkably handsome
park ranger to--

- Zip it, beav-steve.

I'll take it from here.

Yo, drop that b*at!

♪

Yeah, mother[bleep]!

It's time to get krunk up
in this bitch!

Ass and titties.
Ass and titties.

Ass and titties.
Ass and titties.

Shake that ass.
Drop that ass.

Shake that ass.
Drop that ass.

Slide, dip.
Slide, dip.

Touch the ground.
Doo doo brown!

[Flatly]
and here's steve.

[Microphone feedback]

- Uh--
[clears throat] okay.

[Clears throat]
uh, I'm ran--ranger steve.

And i-i'm gonna tell you
all about being a park ranger.

- You look more like
a pork ranger.

[Children exclaim]

- Oh, snap!
He said pork ranger!

That's a play on words, yo!

- Uh, okay.

As a--as a ranger,

F-f-fire safety
is important.

Forest fires
are extremely dangerous.

- Is that what [bleep]
your face up?

All: ooh.

- Oh! New kid
dropped an hbo word.

- Picture everyone naked.
Picture everyone naked.

Picture everyone naked.

- Picturing kids naked?

Don't you do enough
of that at home,

You pudgy pedophile?

[All gasp]
- oh, no!

No, no, no, no!

He's saying pork ranger's
a pee-pee toucher.

[Urine trickling]
- aah!

[Crying]
[laughter]

- He is the king!

New king!

- [Whispers]
got your friends.

That's one.
Let's get out of here, baby.

- Can't. Play rehearsal.

- Play, huh?

Initiate phase two.

Play me out, denzel.

- Ass and titties.
Ass and titties.

Hump dem hos,
hump dem hos.

Ass and titties.
Ass and titties.

- Well, malloy.
How was school today?

- Not bad.

I'm auditioning
for a part in a play.

I don't like plays.

I'm just trying
to get in this girl's guts

In my class.

- So, conner,
I'm sure ethel told you

About our amazing wedding
in the amazon rain forest.

- That's nothing.
We got married on the moon.

- Uh, moon palace.
Cancun.

It was very pricey.

- I thought you said
you got married in hawaii.

- Uh, we had two ceremonies.

- They didn't want blacks
at the good wedding.

- Right. No!

- Mommy's got a temper.

[Whispers]
she beats me.

- At checkers.

- Ethel?
- Who is this?

- Mommy's boyfriend.
- Pardon?

- You're married?
That's hot.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

Uh, uh, ugh--

I'll call you later.

- You better
explain yourself, ethel.

- Oh, there's a good--
oh, you see, what happened--

Aah!
You know what?

I can't lie anymore.
- You're right.

Let's not lie anymore.

This isn't just
any ordinary night.

Tonight's our anniversary.

And I'd like to give something
to the woman I love.

- Oh, my god.
It's beautiful.

- Well, it's just
like grandma's necklace.

I thought that
was one of a kind.

- How did you know I always
wanted one like this?

- I stole your diary.
I mean, I listen!

Oh, and I found
your missing diary.

- He's so thoughtful, ethel.

You've got a good man,
there.

- Yeah, I do.

- Aw.

Mommy and daddy are gonna
rub holes tonight.

- Well, I wish we could stay,
but you know.

Al pacino's
in a holding pattern.

- Lucy, come on.
Let's go.

We gotta let
these two lovebirds rub holes.

- Oh, well.
Back to our normal lives.

- I hate our normal lives.

Wait!
You can't leave.

You'll miss malloy's big part
in the play tomorrow.

He had to fill in
last minute.

He said something happened
to the lead actor.

- [Gasping]

Help! Help!

- You can just spend
the night with us.

- [Growls]
great idea, conner.

- Oh, yes.

I'd love to see my nephew
in a play.

I just adore the theater.

- Well, let's do it.

- Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

That means I get to sleep
in the bed with ethel.

Like we always do.

'Cause we're married.

And we've explored
every wet, dark crevice

Of each other's bodies.

- Ow!

- Good night, you three.
Sleep well.

- Good night.

Uppity bitch.

- Sorry I pulled this on you,
ethel.

I just don't want this
to end.

- You know what, connie?

It's okay.

You've helped me out so much.

Actually,
this is kind of...nice.

- I know.

I don't think I've ever
been this happy.

- You know, in a sad way,
me too.

- There's only one thing
that could make this better.

- Ew!

Connie!

Jesus!
What the hell is that?

- But I thought
we were a real family.

- Connie, wake up!
This is not real.

You're a lesbian,

And our child
is a shaved bear.

We are nothing like a family.

Pre-jack ken would have
a better sh*t at me

Than you ever will.

- Is everything okay in here?

- No.

Ethel, I want a divorce!

- What?

- And I'm taking
that necklace back.

- What are you gonna do?
Return it?

- Yes, I am.

I'm gonna dig up
your grandmother again

And put it back
on her [bleep] neck!

- Fine.
Wait, what?

[Laughter]

- I can't believe that you
made us come to this, woody.

I can't show my face
around stephanie.

- Zip it and sit down.

It's my cubby wubb's
first play.

And you're gonna love it!

- Steve,
your speech was awesome.

The kids loved it.
They never laughed so hard.

- You serious?
But I peed my pants.

- That was the best part.

I can't tell you how many kids
want to be rangers now.

- Really? How many?

- No, I can't tell you.
I didn't ask any of them.

- What should I do, denzel?

- I know what you should do,
buddy.

Go [bleep] yourself.

- Thanks for the kind words,
bro.

- Con...ner.

I'm surprised to--
- save it, ethel.

I'm just here
to support our son.

- Oh, there's no shame
in divorce.

As long as you don't mind
burning in hell

With the queers.

- Everything is fine.

Right, honey?

- [Grunts]
- ha.

His tongue is tired.

[Whispers]
tons of oral.

- What? No previews?

- Wherefore art thou, romeo?

- How did he get in the play?

What happened to jeremy?

- Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Whew.

Well, at least
the water stopped.

No!

- Denzel, make it happen.

♪

This should put
a little hot sauce on your taco.

♪

Uh.

You can look,
but you can't touch.

You like that?

I bet you like
this sweet ass.

- Ugh!

- Mmm.

[All gasp]

Got your girl.
That's two.

- Magic malloy
stole your lady!

- Get off her!

- [Growls]

- Uh-oh.

- Aah!

Ow!

♪

- Aah!
- [Laughs]

This play's awesome.

- Everyone, please calm down.

Malloy, break it up!

- [Gasps]

- [Screams]

- Here comes three.

- Ow!

Ow! Help!

- Encore! Encore!

[Both moaning]

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

- Sorry my boobs popped out,
ethel.

- Ethel, I can't believe
you lied to me.

This is the sorriest excuse
for a family I've ever seen.

- You'd be lucky to have
a family as great as this.

- Do you really mean that,
ethel?

- Probably not, connie.

- Aw, that is sweet...
How pathetic you are.

Talk to you never.

- You're gonna let her
get away with that?

- You know, malloy,
sometimes it's better

Just to be
the bigger person.

- [Screaming]
- [gasping]

- Malloy!

- Ah!