01x01 - A Princess, an Elf, and a Demon Walk Into a Bar

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[man] Hey!

Rise and shine, Princess.
It's your big day.

Hope you got your beauty sleep.

[gasps] Ugh! She did it again.

Please, let me go on a crusade! Anything's safer
than guarding that princess.

All in.

-Call.
-[crowd gasps]

Two pair.

Not so fast.

Three me's.

That's only two.

One, two, me.

Money's mine.

Not when I got the Kn*fe.

[scoffs and gulps]

[burps loudly] Hmm.

[whimpers]

[crowd gasps]

[grunts]

[all exclaiming]

[gasps]

[groans]

See you guys tomorrow.

You've had your fun.
Now it's time to get married.

Would Your Highness care to get in?

-Morning, Princess!
-Lovely day, miss!

How's it hanging, Princess?

-Sorry I can't make your wedding.
-You wanna switch places?

No, I'm good.

-Enjoy your special day.
-You, too.

Morning, Princess.
Care to try my new cure-all?

It wards off deadly plague.

I'm actually hoping for death.
Thanks, though.

Gah! Quit judging me, Dad.

[Zog] Mmm.

This one needs royaling up.
More columns, more frosting.

And neither of these looks like me.

Make them both look like me.
Then, get rid of one!

Ugh. Cakes.

Did you make sure to add extra frosting?

Of course, I... Hey! Where were you?

Oh, I understand, darling.

On my wedding day,
I also had butterflies in stomach.

I shouldn't have eaten so many.

I just wanted to have a last bit of fun
before the happiest day of my life.

Silence! The delegation from Bentwood
arrives any moment.

Take off those common clothes
and come down looking like a princess!

As you wish, Father.

Anybody looks at her,
they get their head chopped off.

Oh, boy, did I look at her!

What?

Great. I have to wear this crazy veil
and pretend I'm a virgin?

It's not a veil, ma'am. It's your corset.

See? It pushes all the mincemeat
to the top of the pie.

All this wedding hassle
for a stupid political alliance?

I thought that I'd get married
for true love, or because I was wasted.

Lots of reasons to get married, ma'am.

I got married for a goat.

Now, let's hurry. The prince will be here
any minute to marry you

and, time permitting, meet you.

Eh? Huh?

How do I look? Spiffy, right?

I had the dogs lick me clean twice.

[trumpeting]

Announcing the King and Queen of Bentwood,

Lorenzo the First and Bunny.

Eh, welcome, Your Highnesses.

[stammers] My new King-and-Queen-in-laws.

Or should I just call you
brother and sister?

We are brother and sister. What of it?

And their son-slash-nephew,

hero of the Battle Against That Bird
That Flew Into The Room One Time,

groom-to-be, Prince Guysbert of Bentwood.

[crowd gasps]

Va-va-voom!

You never do that for me.

-[sighs] I hate this feeling.
-Sobriety, ma'am?

No, I just feel like my life is ending.
I can't even smile.

[grunts]

Don't worry. We'll make your cheeks
look nice and rosy.

Remember: Whores rouge. Ladies leech.

You ever wish you could live in a place
where people are really, truly happy?

♪ It's a ha ha ha and a hee hee hee ♪

♪ We're as happy as we can be ♪

♪ Elfwood is the place we'll never flee ♪

♪ Our minds are blank
But our hearts are free ♪

♪ We work all day and we sing with glee ♪

♪ We drink all night, uncontrollably ♪

♪ It's a ho ho ho and a hee hee hee ♪

♪ Listen to us whistle adorably ♪

[whistling]

[kissing] [gasping]

-[whistling stops]
-[both moaning]

[Superviso] Elfo! Kissy!
No tummy touching!

Kissy, save your lips for the prepackaged
candy assortments.

And, Elfo, it's like you don't appreciate
your assembly-line job.

Yeah, uh, it's kinda not the one I wanted.

I'm kinda not always... happy?

[elves gasp]

But we're singing.

Yeah, singing while you work's
not happiness. It's mental illness.

Wha...

Ugh! I'm just... I'm sick of being
happy all the time.

Just once, I wish...

I wish I could go somewhere where...
where people are miserable.

Hmm.

What is going on with this gift?

[gruff voice] Open the gates of...
I mean, the ribbon.

Princess Tiabeanie,

you are hereby cursed
from the deepest depths of the underworld!

Oh! What?

You look great, though.
Nice to meet you. They call me Luci.

-Guards! Guards!
-Shh! Shh!

A weird ghost guy is attacking
and complimenting me.

Shut up! Silenzio!

[muffled grunts]

First up, not a ghost.

Ghosts are losers that got m*rder*d.

-I am a demon.
-[muffled] You're a demon?

That's right.
In fact, your personal demon.

Get used to it, ah,

'cause you are stuck with me
for all eter...

...nity.

And so the demonic binding begins.

Yes, our emissary will steer her
towards the darkness.

It may take months, even years.

So, we'll need chairs.

Dark chairs.

[Elfo kissing and moaning]

[Elfo grunts]

[Kissy] Oh, Elfo, you're so naughty.

[Elfo] Why is everyone always saying that?

Just because I'm not jolly all the time
doesn't make me a weirdo.

Hey! Get outta here, Weirdo!

[breathy chuckle]

[Elfo] But it's like you do
the slightest thing here,

-and everyone freaks out.
-[Kissy] Mmm-hmm.

[Elfo] It's like they all have
peppermint sticks up their asses.

[Kissy] Oh, yeah.

-Your whining really turns me on.
-There's more where that came from.

We spend all day making candy
to earn candy.

It doesn't make any sense!

You're so sad. You're a sad little elf!

Kissy! What in humping heavens
is going on?

Nothing, Father!

Weirdo doesn't take his pants off
for nothing. Elfo?

Oh! Ow.

This is the last straw.
You're going to be punished.

What are you gonna do? Give me a paddling
with a big wollypop?

This is serious. You'll be hanged
from the Gumdrop Tree.

♪ Hanging Elfo from the Gumdrop Tree
A strangly-dangly activity ♪

Oh, this is all me fault, my boy.
I got something to tell ya.

Oh! Pops!

Well, it's gonna take a while,
so let me pull up this chair.

Hey.

-Now, what was I saying?
-[Elfo] Ow!

Oh, yeah, it all started
when I first laid eyes on your mother.

I mean, hands.

I couldn't keep them to myself,

and all of a sudden,
she gave me a right hook,

-and I was in love.
-Pops!

[grunting]

[Luci laughs]

Whoa!

Olé!

I'm already cursed enough.

I don't need some demon
making my life worse.

Oh!

That's no ladies' mace.

[grunts]

Yeah, look, you're stuck with me forever,
so just take a deep breath and--

[grunting] Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[grunts]

[objects clattering]

And that, my friend,
is how one returns a gift.

If you don't calm down,
this is gonna be a long forever.

[sighs]

Okay, you win.

[grunts]

[snoring] [choking and struggling]

I told you elves are too light to hang.

The last guy we hanged d*ed of old age.

Fine. s*ab him!

Father, stop!

You can't just k*ll every guy
that kisses me.

Sure I can.

[crowd murmurs]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

Run, Elfo! Run far away!

Come with me!

[panting]

Kissy, you've come this far.
Don't you want to see the outside world?

Elfo, I've never said this before,
but I can't go all the way.

Elfo, no! It is forbidden.

I don't know why we keep that lever there.

[elf king] Oh, Elfo, I warn thee.

For centuries,
no elf has ever left Elfwood.

-Except Leavo.
-Speak no more of Leavo, Speako!

Please don't open it.

All will be forgiven
as long as you obey the Jolly Code.

Ugh... Scribeldy-scrobeldy-screw
the Jolly Code!

[Shocko] Wha...

I wanna taste something
other than sweetness.

I want to cry salty tears,

learn bitter truths.

I want to take a big, meaty bite
out of life and dip it in mustard.

Mustard, vinegar, anchovies?
These are the ravings of fools.

[gate unlocks]

Take one step further, you're on your own.

No elf has ever returned,
not even Returno.

Elfo, you'll die out there.

I'd rather die a big death
than live a small life.

[owl hoots] [gate closing]

Wow.

For the first time in my life,
I feel completely calm and--

-[hawk screeches]
-[Elfo screaming]

Personal demon.

-So, you'll do my bidding?
-Uh, no.

I'm a princess. I can't do my own bidding.
How are you even useful?

Okay. Hmm.

You know that voice in your head
that says to do the right thing?

I'm the guy yelling over it.

Yeah, I'm the guy that makes you feel good
about doing bad things.

-You're like a terrible friend?
-I never said I'm your friend.

[sighs] Look at this cake.

It's not even about me.
It's about the stupid alliance.

Shame you're a princess and too dainty
to do anything about it.

[door opens]

Well, I think you'll be very pleased
with the revised cake, Your Highness.

Nice likeness. Competent latticework.

Moving down, sugar columns
seem structurally sound.

Back looks good. And just a cursory glance
at the bottom tier.

And it says...

"Get Bent, Dad."

Isn't that... What?

Bean!

[both laughing]

[Elfo] Caramel can be a coating,
a filling, or a candy unto itself.

Now, a cousin to caramel is nougat,
which essentially is--

[grunts] [plays melody]

Oh. Hi, I'm Elfo. And you are?

Busy. We're at w*r here.

What's w*r?

[whistles]

[stomping]

[growling]

Wee!

Now we're meeting new people. [grunts]

Yikes.

Huh?

[shrieks]

[screams]

[gnomes yelling]

Hi, I'm Elfo.

Yeow!

Well, I like w*r,
but I wouldn't say I love it.

[coins jingling]

Wha...

Ooh. [chuckles]

-I'm glad you can't see this. Bye!
-Huh?

[ogre groans]

-Oh!
-Ah!

Tonight is wedding night,
so is time we had talk.

-I know I am not your mother.
-Please don't.

-But I do have sex with your father.
-God, Oona. Ew.

I do not need a sex talk
from my stepmother.

Tonight, you will be expect
to perform your wifely duties.

I mention because it was difficult
for me with the tentacles.

I don't have tentacles.

Your husband will have tentacles.

Are you trying to say testicles?

I don't know. Just leave your eggs
on the nightstand and get out of there.

[bell tolling]

Hmm.

[shrieking]

Man, I'm starving.

I should've grabbed one of those gumdrops
when they were hanging me.

I'm Elfo, by the way. What's your name?

We are but humble people.

We have no names,
but you can call me Farmer.

Our food is not flavorful,

but we humbly offer it
for your sustenance.

Are you kidding me?
This stuff looks amazing.

All I've ever eaten is candy.

Candy? Are you a king?

[scoffs] No.

Mmm. Mmm! Oh!

I am sorry our food will bring you no joy.

This is delicious!

I beg you, sir.
We are far too humble to receive praise.

I can't help it. You deserve praise.

-We deserve to be beaten with our food.
-[laughs] Well, I would rather eat it.

-It's so incredibly good!
-Now you've praised us too far.

-You must leave our humble home!
-Get out, praiser.

Thanks again! It was delicious!

You're ruining our lives!

[man] Announcing King Zog,
Queen Oona and... Who cares?

What do you see?

Ooh! Everybody got shoes.

How long is this gonna last? [shudders]
I'm not exactly comfortable in a church.

[shudders]

That's communion wine.

-You could use some, though.
-I really shouldn't.

Times when you really shouldn't
are exactly when you really should.

Drinking wine with a demon.
Not exactly the wedding day I wished for.

[snorts] Hmm!

I'm supposed to be surrounded
by people I like.

I don't even have my real mother.

Who needs a mother
when you've got bridesmaids?

-No bridesmaids?
-No.

-How about friends?
-Uh-uh.

Only drinking buddies.

To drinking buddies.

Better than bridesmaids.
Better than mothers.

I was raised
by a pack of drinking buddies.

And I came out perfect.

Dearly beloved, as we stand here
in this overly large building,

designed to make us feel small
and inadequate,

we ask the invisible God
we think is up there,

to watch over us if He, She,

or It is even capable of things
like watching over us...

This religion is still
in its early stages.

I mean, nobody knows anything
for sure,

but if I talk with confidence,
you dopes will believe anything I say.

[both laughing]

Whoa! Pops.

[stammering] I'm just kicking back
with my new cat.

Me? Ow. Meow. That's what cats say, right?

I'm not here to answer cat questions.

[Luci grunts]

Now get up and make your dad proud,
you drunk.

-Are you trying to make a jerk out of me?
-Yes.

Wow!

It's so small.

[chuckles] Oh, wait, I'm far away.

[organ music playing]

Do you, Guysbert,
most Exalted Prince of Bentwood,

Slayer of Metallica,

take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Duh...

Okay.

And do you, Princess Tiabeanie,
a single woman,

take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?

No!

Ah.

[crowd gasps]

[stammers] I didn't mean for that.
I'm so sorry.

He's dead.

Uh, I think I'm still alive.
No, wait. Nevermind.

I want my gift back.

Wait! Wait! Wait! [stammers] Don't...
don't... don't leave! s*ab that guy.

-Oh, boy, this wedding is all messed up.
-We've got to save the alliance.

-What are we gonna do?
-We've got another son.

Well, why didn't you say so?
What's his name?

-[stammers] God... Uh, Merkimer.
-Merkimer.

Okay, watch this. Here we go.

Everybody, sit down. [chuckles]

[clears throat] In consultation
with Guysbert's grieving parents,

we've decided
the princess can still marry.

What?

Presenting Guysbert's younger brother,

the new heir to the throne of Bentwood,
Prince Merkimer.

Don't be sad.

She would have left him for me anyway.

Uh... Actually, I'd be fine if someone
could just slide my head up a bit.

Hush! There's a wedding in progress.

Do you, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood--

You gotta be kidding me.
Father, you can't make me--

The king can make anyone!

You do. You do.

Say "man and wife."

I now pronounce you man and--

-[door creaks open]
-[crowd gasps]

Uh... Hi, I'm Elfo. [chuckles]

What are all your names?

What the hell is that?

-An elf.
-A magical elf.

Elves haven't been seen in centuries.

Imagine the possibilities.

With elf magic,
I could progress far beyond card tricks.

[whimpers]

A shiny gold Zog
to whoever seizes the elf.

[chattering and clambering]

[Elfo screams]

Oh, I'll get you, wee elf!

[rapid thumping]

Oh!

Ah!

[inhales deeply] Ah!

[grunting] [fabric tearing]

Whoa! [grunts]

[Elfo screams]

So how'd it go?

That good, huh?

The wedding is ruined.
The demon is performing exquisitely.

But look. There's a complication.
They've been joined by a tiny dork.

Ow.

It's fire, Cloyd. It's hot.

I know. I was there.

Elfo has left the building with Bean.

No worry. I'm an expert hunter,
and I'll track down the woman I love.

Keep the champagne chilled.

I shall return
before the last uncle passes out.

My Knights of the Zog Table will aid you.
Knights!

Pendergast, who are your best trackers?

That would be Stryker and Bolt, sire.

But they're lost,
so, it'll be Turbish and Mertz.

We won't get tired this time.

[horses neighing]

[crown clangs] [Elfo grunts]

It was sweet of you to wreck my wedding,
but you're kind of slowing us down.

Mind if I give you a ride?

Mind? I don't mind at all.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Well, it took all day,
but I finally got my winnings--

-[grunts]
-[crowd exclaims]

[Bean] Oh, no.

Stand back, chumps.

Watch as a non-chump chumps these chumps.

[inhales]

[Merkimer grunts]

[horse neighs]

[Luci laughs]

[knights grunting]

Before today,
we had neither riches nor magic.

Then today, for one blessed second,
we almost had both.

And now you got bupkis!

Oh, no.

[Elfo screams]

[Bean screams]

-[Luci] Ow, ow, ow!
-[Bean grunting]

[grunting and screaming]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh! Ah! [grunts]

Why me?

[Pendergast] No one could survive
that many tumbles.

-[laughing]
-[Pendergast] Oh.

[owl hoots]

I've never had a nightmare. Is this one?

[distant trumpeting]

[Pendergast] The footprints
stop dead right here.

-Where did they go?
-Only one place they could have gone.

Start digging.

[Turbish] I have theory. Maybe they go up.

I won't even dignify that
with an upward glance.

[Turbish] Ugh.

[fairy] Hey, there.

I haven't seen you guys in this tree
before. You looking for a good time?

A fairy? Maybe she can help us.
Do you do magic?

Sure, I've done a trick or two.
What do you have in mind?

Well, I was forced into a wedding,
and I wish I had my freedom to--

Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Wishes sound free. I don't do free.

But you look like sweet kids.
You ever heard of the Wishmaster?

I've never heard of anything.

It's true. He just thinks
you're a real friendly lady.

An old girlfriend of mine
used to work the mountain.

She said this Wishmaster guy
was the real deal. Thataway.

This is so helpful.
How can we ever repay you?

Cash. Leave it on the branch.

[chirps]

[Luci sighs]

Cool night air, sky full of stars...

This sucks. How much further?

[grunts]

It's getting late, boys.
We'd better stay here.

Okay, so if we get three wishes,

I want to be in charge of my own destiny,

to have my mom back, obviously,

and to find a boyfriend
who's a great listener.

What do you wish for, Elfo?

To be a great listener.

And whatever that thing is
you said about your mom.

I would get rid of all the diseases
plaguing mankind,

and replace them with worse ones.

Ooh! And make Elfo die alone.

Hey, he's making fun of my dreams.

That's what friends do.

All right, we got a long journey in
the morning. Let's get some shut-eye.

You two sleep down by my feet.
I call it the friend zone.

Get comfortable.
You ain't never getting outta here.

What's this weird feeling
I don't want to drink away?

That's hope. That's hope!

You know what we say in Hell?
"Hope's for dopes."

Well, good night, everybody. [grunts]

I'll be entering your dreams
tonight in the form of a laughing skull.

[chuckles] Yeah, that's me. That's me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

An elf with a human girl?
That ain't right.

[Oona snoring]

Ah... [snores]

[Luci snores]

Mmm... Guys, hey! Wake up.

Come on. We've got a long way to go
to the Wishmaster's lair.

[Elfo] Mmm...

Oh.

I wish you guys would help.

Save it for the Wishmaster.

[distant vocalizing]

Seek ye me?

Yes, are you--

The Washmaster.

Wait, the what-master?

You heard me. The Washmaster.

People far and wide seek me out
to wash their clothes.

No!

Well, now we know something
we didn't know yesterday.

[horse neighs]

[Bean sighs]

Ah, there you are, my love.
I've come to take you back to our wedding.

[panting]

[Bean] Oh! [sniffs]

Ah!

I might as well give up and accept

that I'll never be anything more
than a wealthy queen

of a fabulous faraway kingdom. [sniffles]

It's my destiny.

Bean, no!

You are beautiful,
and your skin is so soft,

and your hair smells like butterscotch,
but you're wrong!

Pardon my language,
but destiny is baloney!

Your future is not foretold.
It's what you make of it.

[Merkimer] He's right, my darling.
Let's make a future together.

I've loved you since the moment
you k*lled my brother.

Give me your hand in marriage, Bean.

Ah...

-You're magic, right?
-Yep.

Not that kind of magic, though.

-What about you?
-Maybe I am.

Nope.

[all screaming]