01x17 - Love's Slimy Embrace

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[men] Hey!

All right, next sh**t.

You, the obese gentleman from out of town,
step right up.

Come on, seven. Lucky seven.

Daddy needs a new pair of pointy shoes.

Jinx! Snake eyes. You lose again.
[chuckles]

So do you want to give me your soul now,

or do a payment plan thing
where I crush it slowly over time?

Listen up, you degenerates.

We have company comin' tonight,

so I want everybody to clip your nails
and pick your noses before dinner.

Then what are we supposed to do
during dinner?

You're gonna sit still,

you're gonna make interesting conversation
and you're not gonna embarrass me.

I think we can do all those things better
down at the pub.

[Elfo humming]

[Bean] Lower the drawbridge!

- Off to ye olde pub, are we, gents?
- No.

- [Elfo] No.
- [Luci] Scram!

Raise the drawbridge!

Aww.

Nearly forgot me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not coming.

Mmm.

- Please? Please? Come on, please?
- Whoa!

Good times, everybody.

Fine. You're a mean, ugly,
heartless witch of a sister,

and I wouldn't want to be
seen with you anyway.

But can I tag along, please?

Derek, go home. Bad brother.

But I get ever so lonely with Mama gone.

Then go make a friend.

It's simple. Just walk around
and pretend you're not irritating.

But I am irritating. Hey!

Not all of us can find an elf
that wants to have sex with them.

Mmm.

[Luci] Juicy Luci at your service.

Give me something strong
to help me forget little Lord Tadpole.

Six sh*ts of demon urine comin' right up.
[chuckles]

[Elfo] It must be hard
having a little pipsqueak

always running after you, huh? Huh?

Bean? Huh?

Do you think it is?
Do you think it's hard?

I don't want to be a jerk to Derek,
but he just brings it out in me, you know?

Ever since he was born.

Beanie, are you ready to meet
your new brother or sister?

Or breakfast?

That's not where you said
babies come from.

To be honest, I'm not so clear
on how it all works myself.

Oh, please, is very simple.
I push, and baby comes out.

[babbles] Derek.

[Bean] From then on,
Derek was heir to the throne.

And he got to do all the cool stuff
I wanted to do.

[Derek grunting]

- Jab.
- [yells]

It's all right, Bean.
Don't be afraid to use the spurs.

I don't want to hurt you, Bunty,
but you gotta go faster.

Don't worry, ma'am.

When the revolution comes,
we'll rise up and k*ll you all.

I know it's not his fault,
but I just wish he would die.

Well, at least she looks
as miserable as I... Aww.

[upbeat music playing]

Maybe I'll just walk into the sea
and drown.

Oh, I'm amphibian.

[sad violin music playing]

Mama, I know you're out there.
I wish you were here.

I still have bad dreams
about that big skillet.

And Bean hates me
because I'm going to be king,

and I don't even know if I want that.

But I can't talk to anyone about it,
especially Dad.

[sighs] I miss my egg.

- [chewing loudly]
- Good God, look at him go.

It must be nice to eat with such abandon.

How about a little more goat head?
Let me cut ya a nice hunk with some hat.

Uh, so the queen won't be joining us
this evening?

Eh... Um...

She ran off to become a pirate.

Queen Dagmar?
Ran off to become a pirate? Oh, my.

Dagmar? No. Uh...

She tried to m*rder me.

I'm talking about my second wife.
You know, the lizard.

[chuckles nervously]

- They both ran off.
- [chuckles]

Well, I'm sad to see you brought so low,
but at least it was a short fall.

Hey! I'll have you know
I'm the wealthiest man in the kingdom.

I must say, I've never associated
the word "wealth" with you.

Uh, may I trouble you for a fork?

I am sorry, but the king is using it.

Mmm? [chewing loudly]

[continues chewing loudly]

Thank you again
for that serviceable dinner. [chuckles]

Ooh. Ooh.

What's the matter?
Loose diamonds in your shoes?

- No, I suffer from gout.
- Huh?

Gout. A disease of kings, you know.
Successful kings, that is.

A plump, disease-riddled body is a sign
you've really made it in modern society.

Hey, I got a gut.

- But you haven't got gout.
- I could get it.

- That I doubt.
- Get out!

Call me when you've got gout. [chuckles]

- To Twinkletown, and fast.
- [whip lashes]

The Big Book of Hideous Diseases.
Now, let me see.

"Gallstones, gangrene,
giraffism, gyro-scrotum."

Ah, yes, here we are. "Gout."

Ooh. Look at the nauseatin' pictures.

[Sorcerio] "A painful joint disease
caused by a sedentary lifestyle,

excessive alcohol consumption

and a diet heavy in foods like bacon,
organ meats and skillet drippins."

It's the disease version of me,
and you're gonna help me catch it.

But, sire, gout could prove fatal.

So what? Nobody lives for very long
these days. How old are you?

- Thirty-one.
- Oh, boy.

[Luci] Wait up, booze hounds.
I gotta lock up.

[Bean and Elfo laughing]

I feel like I was gonna warn you guys
about something.

- [grunts] Oh, yeah, the stairs.
- [all laughing]

Aww.

He looks so lonely.

Been there.

I mean, to the beach... [chuckles]
with friends. Lots of them.

He thinks he's got it so tough
'cause his mom works.

Cry to me when your mom
tries to bolt a crown to your skull.

Was a pretty cool crown, though.

Yeah, it was more about the bolting
than the crown.

What the hell is that?

Aww.

Well, hello, little guy.

- Will you be my friend?
- [coos]

Aww.

I'm gonna call you Slimy,
and we're gonna be best friends.

And when I get married,
you're gonna be my best man.

And then you won't like my wife,
but later, I'll divorce her,

and we'll be better friends
than ever, okay?

I'd better go.

I try to get an hour of weeping in
before I go to sleep.

See you tomorrow, Slimy. [kisses]

I wish you were my sister.

[seagull squawks]

Oh, my God. Did you just eat that seagull?

'Cause that's what I do.

You couldn't give me the Elixir of Life.

The least you could do
is give me a nice disease.

But I've taken the Wizardocratic Oath.

I can only use my flimflam for good.
I cannot help you get gout.

Then, I'll find somebody who will.

Me, me, me, me, me.

You, you, you, you, you?

I kind of gave up my dream job
making people suffer,

but helping a human overindulge
to the point of illness?

I think you could be my masterpiece.

[chewing loudly] Hmm?

This is good.

What else you got?

It's a bacon-wrapped cigar,
you fat tub of lard.

You're hired.

Yo, Derek. What's up, my man?

Well, I'm not actually a man yet.

Though, sometimes, I do get a funny tingle
when I read about taxidermy.

Anyway, you seem kind of lonely
without friends,

so I figured I'd, you know...
I'd just drop by, see what's up in here.

Well, I have a friend.
You want to meet him?

Sure. Hi, Derek's invisible friend.
Pleased to meet you.

He's not invisible.
He lives in a tide pool.

I discovered this door
when I was looking for hidden doors.

I think this is how the rats
get into my room at night.

Watch out. These steps are slippery.

- [Elfo] Ooh! Ow!
- [Derek] Whoa!

[both grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts] Ow!

Wow! A secret, smelly chamber.

What the hell
are those weird little bottles?

They aren't bottles, you stupid moron.
They're amphorae.

[grunting] It's stuck.

[both grunting]

[grunts]

You know,
this is a clothing optional beach.

[Elfo] Um... No.

Elfo, meet Slimy.

Slimy, come say hi! Come on, boy!

He's socially awkward.

I wish we had something to feed him.

He'll eat anything except pinecones.

Oh, Slimy, you're getting bigger!

He's a one-eyed octopus.
So, how long have you known him?

Oh, he's my oldest friend. Four days.

Hey, Elfo,
do you like to use your imagination?

No.

[in French] En garde!

Ow! Hey, careful with that stick.
It's got barnacles.

Yeah, those are the jewels.

[both grunting]

Ow! My right nostril.

[both grunting and panting]

[Derek chuckles]

[screams]

A near-mortal blow. [groans]

Victory!

You are now my portly prisoner.

No! I'll break under t*rture.
I'm very weak-willed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is all this?

Lung loaf, lard cakes, blood gravy,
liver balls and drinkable cheese.

Oh, okay. [swallowing loudly]

- Mmm.
- Down the hatch, gouty.

Keep this up
and you'll be gravely ill in no time.

[swallowing loudly]

[chewing loudly]

[moans]

[Luci] You done
with that plate of balls yet?

[Zog groaning] One more.

[moans]

What was I thinking?

Hey, hey, hey. [shushes]
Quit your moanin'. You got a visitor.

Can't ya see
that I'm in excruciating pain here?

My toe is swole up like a blood melon.
I'm in no shape to see nobody.

- It's the Duke of Twinkletown.
- [gasps]

Send him in.

[gasps] My God, King Zog.
So the fantastical stories were true.

It's the most glorious thing
I've ever seen.

Do you deign that I might touch it?

I so deign.

- Doink.
- [yells]

Oh, King of King of Kings,

I bow before the greatest,
fattest toe in the land.

[chuckles and groans]

It was worth it. Now, show me your toe.

Oh. No one told you
about the next stage of gout?

Oh, my. Check this out.

[screams]

[duke] That's right.
They chopped off my infected foot.

It's a shame anesthesia
hasn't been invented yet.

You're in for a treat. [chuckles]

[Zog groans]

Okay, show's over.
Duke, scram your ass out of here.

[Duke chuckling]

That talking cat was so bossy.

What now? Oh!

I would prefer it
if you would just pass me the bread.

My jail, my rules.

Oh, Elfo, you were almost cool,
and now look at you.

He is cool.
He alphabetized my stuffed animals.

Don't touch 'em.
They're crawling with lice.

[Duke screaming]

- What was that?
- I don't know.

But there's always screaming around here.

I mean, we do have a dungeon,

and a t*rture chamber
and a day care center and also...

[Duke screaming]

That's no toddler scream.
Let's see who d*ed.

[exciting music playing]

I think the duke exploded from gout.

Suction marks, tentacle hole...

This man was obviously k*lled
with an octopus.

What are you, high?

Quiet, you.
There's a m*rder*r loose in the castle.

Be on the lookout for a man or woman
or elf wielding an octopus.

Bean, your dad can help us
catch the m*rder*r.

He's the greatest warrior of all time.

[Zog groans]

My slipper fell off. Can you get it?

[gasps]

Big, scary worm is down in hole.

Sure, sure.

Ten minutes ago, there was
a big, scary shadow following you.

Two things can be real.

- [screaming]
- [Slimy shrieking]

[people screaming]

[whistling]

Halt! Who goes there?

I said halt, not slither!

- [screams]
- [Slimy shrieks]

As long as he's on this floor, we got him.

- Or her.
- I bet it's Odval.

I can't trust anyone
with more or fewer eyes than I have.

Oh, Oddie's a good guy
once you get to know him.

The important thing is that we stick
together in a big, moving clump of safety.

That way, no one... [screams]

- [all gasp]
- Derek!

Bean, come with me.

[Zog] Hey, somebody turn me around.
I can't see nothin'.

Wha?

- [Derek grunting]
- [Bean] No!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do we do?

We get him back. Come on, we are going in.

But it's dark and full of octopus.

Well, this at least
covers the "dark" part.

[tense music playing]

[muffled screaming]

Mmm.

[both gasping and panting]

[gagging and coughing]

Oh, my God. We almost d*ed.

[Slimy snoring]

[tense music playing]

[Elfo gasps]

[whispering] Derek, I'm so sorry
I treated you the way I did.

This is not the way I wanted you to die.

Oh, God. It's over. He's turning blue.

[whispering] He was already blue.
I think he's actually turning less blue.

Is that good or bad?

How should I know? I'm green, not blue.

God. Do all people of color
look the same to you?

He's alive! Wake up. Wake up, buddy.

Hang in there, little brother.
We're gonna get you home.

How? The two of us
could barely fit through that tunnel,

and Derek is rather Rubenesque.

You know, from eating
all those Reuben sandwiches.

There's gotta be some other way out.

Listen.

[seagulls squawking]

[grunts]

[Slimy snoring]

[screams]

[Elfo groans] Damn you,
brittle-old-lady bone.

Phew.

- [Slimy grunts]
- [gasps]

Hurry, Bean!

Whoa!

- [Bean screams]
- [Slimy hisses]

Arr. Even a Party Barge captain
needs a quiet night alone once in a while.

[Bean and Elfo scream]

[sighs] Every time I try to relax
by Monster Island.

All hands on deck! Lower the Party Dinghy!

Welcome aboard.

Since this be a rescue mission,
I'll only charge ye half price.

But I warn ye, there be hidden surcharges
ye can hardly imagine.

[Elfo and Bean scream]

- [all shouting]
- [Slimy shrieking]

Arr. Me vessel has gone under.

And 'tis the immutable law of the sea
that a captain must go down with his ship.

Still, I don't think we need
to be sticklers about it.

[chuckles nervously] Let's just go.

[sailors screaming]

[Bean groans]

I'd help ya, but I've gotta return
this book by tomorrow.

The library be a cruel mistress.

Bean! You rescued me.
I guess you really do love me.

And all this time,
I thought you wanted me dead.

Two things can be real.

"Chapter 17, Love's Slimy Embrace.

The sea captain heaved a lonely sigh

and ran his sturdy hand
through his luxuriant locks.

He wondered how long until he would feel
another's arms wrapped around..."

[screams]

[theme music playing]