02x01 - Subterranean Homesick Blues

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Welcome, friends.

Ah, they're still here.

What, no hug?

I'm waiting.

Come on, Bean.
Who can resist a creepy mom hug?

Shut up, Luci.

Oh, Bean! I've missed you!

Well, I'm not gonna miss you, Mom.

Is this the mother
you're always talking about?

She's not an ugly, evil bitch.
But she is sluttier than I imagined.

Oh. Hello, Elfo. Last time I saw you,
you were a lot more dead.

We can't have that moonhole.

Moon.

- Moon.
- Silence!

Seal team six, seal the hole!

Too slow.

What are you doing here, Mom?
Why can't you just leave me alone?

Is your life so awful
you have to keep wrecking mine?

I just saved you, dear.

Now, would you like me
to answer those other questions

or did you just need
to get it out of your system?

You know what? Forget it.
I just want to get out of here.

Darling, nothing's keeping you.

Yeah,
nothing except your freaky little molemen.

We're not freaky little molemen.
We're beautiful, bug-eyed Trøgs.

Trøgs, the "o" has a slash through it.

Those are molemen.

How ya doin'?

'Sup, tater dude?

Let her go.
You're free to leave anytime you want.

I want now. Uh, let's do now.

Ow!

Remember, darling,
if you show your face in Dreamland…

…they'll k*ll you.

And you'll never find
your way out without my help.

Sorry about the echo.

I know it's creepy.

Welcome back, friends.

That's for calling me "tater dude."

Who's gonna be accused
of being a witch next, Daddy?

I'm thinking the lady next door
who has that little chihuahua.

- The one that never stops barking?
- That's the one, son. That's the one.

An excellent spectacle, Your Majesty.
You were a model of regal barbarism.

Two scoops of melted ice cream
for you tonight.

I can't believe I k*lled my big sister.

Yeesh, I haven't seen him this upset
since we b*rned his birthday clown.

Being king is hard.

- I need some advice.
- We're your advisors.

- No, I want to talk to my father.
- I wouldn't advise that.

Hey, what's Derek doin'
down there with Odval, huh?

And the Archdruidess?
And my crown? Something's goin' on.

Like any two numbers, this don't add up.

My wound.

Settle an argument, Pendergast.

I say we m*rder Zøg now,

but Odval here thinks
he's about to die on his own.

You're a bloodthirsty bastard.
What do you say?

I'm no decision-maker,
I'm an action-taker.

And a pudding-maker.
I make wonderful pudding.

Shush. Let's see how he's doing.

I'm dyin' over here.

Ugh! The royal blob's still alive.

Oh, I wanted to gloat
directly over our victim's corpse.

- There's nothing more satisfying.
- Or arousing.

No worries. From the sound of it,
he'll soon be as dead as his daughter.

- What? You…
- See? There's his death-mutter.

You'll rue the day
you messed with my daughter…

I don't have time for muttering.
Hand me a m*rder stick.

Now, now. We mustn't risk
our immortal souls by k*lling him.

Souls?

- But you're the leader of the church.
- Church, shmurch.

For a dying man,
he's making a lot of noise.

I wonder if he's recovering.

Oh, dear. The people mustn't see that
or they'll restore him to the throne.

Pendergast, stay here and make sure
Zøg never leaves this room.

- Can I order in?
- You'll have to.

And if he tries to leave,

hack him into little pieces.

Ladies and whatevers,

thank you all for attending
this mandatory midnight supper.

I can hear someone eating. Yeah.

No, you. Just put the spork down.

Thank you.

Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome
to our... I can still hear it!

Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome
to our guest of honor,

my beautiful daughter, Princess Tiabeanie!

- And…
- And two little nobodies.

And now that we are
finally reunited as queen and princess,

the last of the prophets
and the fulfillment of the prophecy,

my greatest desire
is to put that all aside.

What?

And focus on what's most important,
the reunion of mother and child.

Bean, I've missed you so much.

Aw…

- I know we've had our differences.
- We tried to k*ll each other.

But now is the time to put the future
aside and make up for the past.

I rescued you for a reason. And it has
everything to do with what's in here.

Her thorax.

We have time now.
World domination can wait. Here's to love!

Wow, Mom,
I don't know if you mean any of that,

but I'll toast to you not trying
to screw that crown on my head.

Oh, that old thing.

Nothing like being b*rned
at the stake to work up an appetite.

No, no, no. Here, in Trøgtown,

your kind gets table scraps.

You realize I'm not a talking cat, right?
I'm a talking demon.

Oh, we know.
We live one floor up from Hell.

You guys are terrible neighbors
and you cook all that smelly cabbage.

Those are children!

Mind if I squeeze in?

Oh, sorry, there's not a ton of…

Oh, okay.

Ooh, look at you.
You're not like the other guys.

Your giant head-holes are relatively tiny.

Finally. Someone gets it.

Yeah, um, that's kinda
what I was going for.

Hi, I'm Trixy.

Hi, there, Trixy. The name's O. Elf-o.

I've never gotten
such attention from women.

I don't know how to handle it.

Oh, wow.

- What is all this stuff?
- Anchovies with vinegar and mustard.

Salty, sour and slimy?
It's like the holy trinity of savory!

Mmm!

- Um, don't you guys eat?
- Oh, we have our own special diet.

Cave juice.

- Cave juice?
- Mmm.

Got it. Okay. Glad we cleared that up.

Freak.

Freak.

Sire? I don't know if you can hear me,
and there's a ton of blood in your ears,

but, uh, I just wanted to say,
I never knew my father

because he d*ed serving your father

in that battle over the canal
we don't use anymore.

But I always had you to look up to.

And when you pushed me into battle,
I went. Not because you're my king,

but because I knew you'd be right there
fighting behind me.

Remember when we had
a victory dinner after that battle,

and you went into a drunken rage
and you gouged my eyeball out?

Fun fact, people thought
it was a fork you threw,

but it was actually a spoon that you
threw so hard, at such a velocity,

that it just…

…melon scooped my eye right outta there.

Down to the bone, sir.
Impressive. You are a true warrior.

And no matter what people say, sire,
I know you're a good man.

- What happened to your appetite?
- I'm allergic to pandering.

I remember you used to eat

everything in sight
with those teeth.

Like a manic little beaver-girl!

I get it, you have perfect teeth.
Why are you doing this?

To make you happy. Trust me,
I'm not playing mind games with you.

This from the woman
who invaded your dreams?

Luci, sweetness,
you haven't finished your rat bones.

Ow!

You've had a long day at the stake.
Shall we retire?

- It's getting dark.
- How can you tell?

Well, Trøgs are creatures of habit.
They know when it's time to sleep.

And when it's time
to do the g*dd*mn dishes!

Just promise you'll think about
giving me another chance.

I need to go to bed now.
Which rock do I sleep on?

And no invading my dreams this time.

Of course not.
I know you like to be alone

with your underwater sex fantasies.

How dare you? Also, I have no idea
what you're even talking about.

Good night, dear.
Yugo will get you ready for bed.

This way to the cave inn.

- That sounds dangerous.
- No, "inn" as in "hotel."

- Oh, so it's safe?
- No, there's a lot of cave-ins.

Bean, how can you
be sleepy at a time like this?

- I'm not. I'm angry.
- Hmm.

Sometimes, when I'm angry,
I get tired, too.

You know what?
You're making me tired.

Go walk with Yugo.
I gotta figure this out.

- Aw.
- If there's one thing I've learned,

it's that when you're stuck
in a cave with your psycho mom,

the best thing to do is play along.

I've gotta go undercover
as her loving daughter.

Just be careful.
Don't let her mess with your head.

Oh, my gosh! It's exactly
like my bedroom from when I was little.

What are these frilly dresses doing
in my liquor cabinet?

You two, this way to the sleep chambers.

Hold hands.

Good night, Bean.

Oh, we have these in Hell.
They're called crypts.

Man, these Trøgs are spooky, but this
cold, hard sleep nook seems cozy enough.

- Hi, Elfo.
- Hi, Trixy. I mean, what the hell?

Oh.

Oh, whoa.

- Shut up, Trixy.
- Shut up, Elfo!

Shut up, Elfo!

Shut up, Elfo!

All right, butts down.

And now to achieve our ultimate goal,

making Dreamland into a rigid theocracy
with a rich, full, spiritual life.

Mmm, with an emphasis on rich, baby.
Hallelujah, amen and ka-ching!

Here are the edicts, Your Majesty.
Remember to use your outside voice.

Right-eo.

"By order of the King,
me, Derek, I,

we do declare Dreamland
is now a theocracy!"

"All power emanates from this Holy Throne
and the ass therein ensconced!"

"Henceforth, there shall be
no more immorality of any kind!"

"No more alcohol!"

"No more gambling!"

Huh?

"No more unlicensed vending!"

Oh, no! My precious fluids!

"No unlawful cohabitation!"

Ow!

"And, most importantly,
no more comedy!"

- So my act is still okay?
- You know what I think's funny?

- What?
- Your catchphrase.

What catchphrase?
Oh, no…

Yeah, that's it.

I thought you were taking us
to the coffee shop.

Dagmar said to show you
the scenic route.

Behold the glorious beauty
of mining pit number three.

Trøgs have been excavating
for generations.

We'll keep it up
until the whole world is hollow.

If you have any questions,
feel free to ask the happy miners.

- Comin' through!
- Where do you put the rocks you excavate?

We have another cave
we excavated for rock storage.

Where did you put
the rock you excavated from that cave?

What are you, the rock police?
I put 'em up my ass. How's that?

Oh, wow!

Another cave!

- This is your garbage hole?
- No, this is our treasury cave.

Trøgs like to go
to the surface and forage.

You mean steal?

Eh, potato, potahto. We forage 'em both.

If Trøgs have been to the surface,
how come we've never seen you?

Well, we got tunnels everywhere.
Including the walls of your castle.

Huh. So that's what happened to Voop.

He's stuffed with dried corn.
That's what makes him posable.

And coming up next
is our underground Fungus Forest.

Uh, what's the deal
with those freaky mushrooms?

They're called Trøg logs.

We use them for structural reinforcement,
building insulation,

and to make those tiny umbrellas
you put in fancy drinks.

Well, they smell amazing.

Oh, yeah. I should've reminded you.

Hold your breath.
You don't wanna be breathing in spores.

I should've been holding my breath!
Spores make you so forgetful.

Oh, no. Not again.

Whoa.

I can see colors and hear sounds!

Are you freakin' out, man?

I don't feel anything.

Ooh, whoa.

There's that
little drug door again.

Welcome, stoners. We worship the Moon.
They say when it's at its highest...

Like us!

Yes, my son. When it's at its highest,
we Trøgs gain our special powers.

Cool. Where's the Moon now?

Beats me. We're in a cave.

And this
is the Pool of Reflection,

one of the holiest sites
in all of Trøgentology.

We come here when we're struggling
with negative thoughts.

You say your wish into the spirit rock
and then you throw it.

I wish you the best
with that mole skank, Craig!

Ow!

You said your name was Trevor!

Weird. I feel like I've been here before.

You have, dear.

Don't do that.

Trixy, I have something special
I want to show Bean.

Why don't you take Elfo
to the Lover's Gravel Pit?

- Okay!
- Luci, you can chaperone.

Who's up for some Trøggy style?

I used to bring you down here
when you were little.

Really? Seems kind of dangerous
for a toddler.

You used to love to stare into the pond.

You thought the reflection
was a little water girl.

I believed that?

That's what I told you.
Oh, look. There she is now.

Look, Bean,
I know things are awful between us.

I don't know where it all went wrong,
but from the moment you were born,

you were my greatest gift.
You realize, you're all I have.

Oh, Mom, you're all I have.

I know you're lying,
but I hope one day you'll mean that.

Why don't you make a wish, darling?

- Ow!
- Sorry, Craig!

Gah! I kneel before thee, my ghost king!

I ain't no ghost, Pendergast.
I ain't even dyin' no more.

I've been fakin' it
so you wouldn't k*ll me off,

but now, honestly, I don't care.

My kingdom's outta control, my closest
allies are now my mortal enemies,

you're now my closest ally…

I'm flattered, sire.

And worst of all,
my wonderful, crazy daughter is dead.

I gave her a hard time,
but she was the light of my life. Beanie!

I got no reason to live.

Here's a halberd. k*ll me for real, huh?

On the count of three,
just splatter me good.

I know it's hard to see,
but try to hit my neck.

Things have been going great with Trixy,
but, um, can I ask you a question?

Is it still true love
if your wallet is missing?

Enough with the Trixy.
Bean, how'd it go with your mom?

I'm not sure. At first I thought
I was doing fine,

but then I got all mixed up.
I think she's onto me.

Bean, you have to be careful.
We know what this woman's capable of.

I mean, she tried to poison your dad.

Please understand…

Stop doing that!

Cloyd and Becky told me Zøg was evil
and had to be stopped.

I swear, Bean,
I meant him no permanent harm,

and I intend to prove it to you.

I don't see how. We don't even know
if Dad recovered from his b*llet wound.

- Did you know that I sh*t Dad?
- Everybody knows that.

I don't even know if Dad
is alive and kicking or dead and buried.

Oh, Bean,
I don't think that's happened yet,

but what if I helped you find out?

I'm sure you recognize these floor plans
from your heist. My baby's first felony.

They k*lled Slappo, you know.

No, Slappo's still alive,
and those sweet, snarling dogs, too.

Now, I've drawn in
the Trøgs' secret tunnels.

Here's the one I had them use to get
the music box back into your bedroom.

Here's the one that goes straight
to Dad's room. I'll use it...

I'm afraid not.
The passages are only big enough for Trøgs

and those aren't tunneling thighs, dear.

But perhaps your little elf friend…

Um, her little elf friend can speak
for himself. Bean, what should I do?

Follow the tunnel to Zøg's bedchamber.

When you've delivered Bean's message,
pull the rope twice.

If he's okay, tell him I'm alive.

And if you get a chance,
can you bring me my blue hairbrush?

It should be on the nightstand,
but Bunty might have moved it.

Mmm-hmm.

Somebody kick my ass?

- I'm alive.
- Yeah, so what?

Bean is alive, too…

Oh, hello, ghost of Elfo!

Ow!

Elfo, quit clowning around.
Is my dad alive?

Yes. Am I?

- Oh, Mom, thank you!
- You're hugging me.

It's the first time I've hugged you
since you tried to k*ll me.

And I'm not letting you go this time.

What about my needs?

Bean's still alive!
I got somethin' to live for!

I'm glad you didn't bash in my head.

There's plenty of other heads
we could bash in, sire.

Listen. You're the only guy I trust,
except that elf on the rope.

Where'd he go? Anyway, here's the plan.

The only way Odval and the Archdruidess
will let me outta here is if I'm dead.

So you go get a coffin, drag it up here,
and stick me in it.

So you do want me to k*ll you?
Okay, sounds like a plan.

Hold on, let me finish, dumbass!

You nail me into the coffin,
you tell everybody I d*ed,

wheel me outta town,
go get Turbish and Mertz,

and we'll figure out
how to bust this conspiracy

from the safety
of my secret royal hideaway.

Great! Where is
your secret royal hideaway?

It's an unmarked castle about
20 miles from here. You can't miss it.

Your Majesty, I crave an audience.
Put down the dolls.

Granted.

As you may know,
I'm something of a swine vivant.

I and my fellow scallywags
find it increasingly hard

to carouse in the face
of all your new religious edicts.

I'd like to help you
if I could understand you, Pig Merkimer.

I'm talking about roistering and rutting!

Consecrating our desires
without fear of reprisal or castigation.

Sire, you must revoke
your pronouncements posthaste!

I don't know if Odval
or Purple Mommy would approve.

But you are king. I beg of you on behalf
of all the deviants of Dreamland.

Come along, Your Majesty. It's edict time.

Ugh, shouldn't you be
wallowing in your own filth?

If only! You know that's been banned.

Remember the wankers!

"Edict number 43."

"All ex*cuted shall endow their clothing
to Odval or the Archdruidess,

depending upon who looks best in it."

That was one of mine.

Hmm. These are getting pretty arbitrary.
Maybe Merkimer was right.

Why can't I be arbitrary, too? I'm king.

New edict! "From now on, all weirdos
get to do whatever they want!"

"Except Weirdo."

"That noise he makes
really creeps me out."

He's going off-scroll!

I like this. Let's see. "From now on,

disputes will be resolved
by pancake eating contests."

Um… "All rocking horses must be built
to support the huskiest of boys."

"A statue shall be erected
in honor of my dear sister Bean,

and maybe a sandwich at the deli
can be named after Elfo and Luci."

Faster, before he gives it all away!

"And a socialist utopia
shall be established that will..."

Ceremony's over. Go in peace!

Inquisition starts in five,
four, three, two…

You better run!

So long, cruel jerks.

Bang it down tight.
I'm only gonna be in here like an hour.

That's the final nail
in your coffin, sire.

Ah, nuts, my cigar went out.
I didn't pack enough for the whole hour.

Go and prepare the escape wagon!

Yes, sire!

I'm a g*dd*mn genius.

What is this stuff?

Hmm.

Oh, no! The sacred goo!

That's enough, Yugo. You've gotta
feed Dagmar her midnight snack.

I knew this day would come.

Don't worry, you won't remember a thing.

Mom, what's the deal with the crazy music?

I thought we were past that.
It's catchy, but you gotta cut it out.

Mom? I'm talking to you.

Mom! Mom!

Hiya, Princess!

Hey, Pendergast,
it's gettin' stuffy in here.

Let's go, already!

Pendergast?

What are you doing up on that pole?

Open it up! Help.

Help! Help! Where you takin' me?

Whaddaya doin'?

The wagon wheels are so spooky
on the cobblestone!

I don't like that sound no more.
I used to but now I don't.

Aw, come on! What's goin' on?

Hey!

Whaddaya doin'?
You're just gonna leave me in here?

You're not gonna say nothin'?

Shaddup.