01x16 - February 17, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On tonight`s show, wearing boxer shorts, it`s Brad Sherwood.

In his bikini briefs, Wayne Brady.

In a pair of tighty whities, it`s Colin Mochrie.

And in a sequined G-string, it`s Ryan Stiles.

Hey, l`m your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down, let`s have some fun.

Whoa.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway where everything is made up and points don`t matter.

If you never saw the show before, these guys come up and make stuff up for you right in front of your very eyes based on suggestions on these cards and.

[SPEAkS GlBBERlSH]

[CAREY LAUGHS]

I give points, but who cares, because points don`t matter.

I pick whoever I like the best.

They get to do something special with me at the end of the show.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Yeah.

When I say, "Do a little something with me," that`s just what I mean.

We`ll start with a game called Superheroes.

This is for all four of you.

Brad will start the game.

He`ll be an unlikely superhero.

They`ll name each other as they come in.

And what I need from the audience is a name of an unlikely superhero.

No.

A made-up one.

-What? MAN: Body and Paint Man.

Body and Paint Man.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

Body and Paint Man.

And what`s the crisis for Body and Paint Man? -Wallpaper.

CAREY: Wallpaper.

-Bad wallpaper.

-Bad wallpaper.

Bad wallpaper.

Bad.

Body and Paint Man, there`s bad wallpaper over the world.

What are you gonna do? [lMlTATlNG SPRAY-PAlNTlNG AND HAMMERlNG]

That looks pretty good.

Oh, my goodness! But it doesn`t go with the wallpaper! I just painted my Porsche fuchsia and now it doesn`t go with my room.

Sorry l`m late.

Good thing you`re here Just Back From the Dentist After lnvasive Root Canal Surgery Man.

Ohh.

[SCREAMlNG]

Don`t breathe in.

[MUMBLlNG]

[SHERWOOD lMlTATES PAlNTlNG]

Sorry l`m late.

Just got plastered.

Thank God.

The Exhibitionist kid.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

What`s going on? I can get rid of those rough spots for you.

-That`s all right.

That`s all right.

-You got a few dents and dings I could fix.

BRADY: Sorry l`m late.

Thank God, you`re here, Captain Breakdance.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

What`s wrong? Who needs help? Damn.

Look at this wallpaper.

SHERWOOD: lt`s ugly, isn`t it? [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

[STlLES GlBBERlNG]

BRADY: l`ll take care of it.

[lMlTATlNG SPRAY-PAlNTlNG]

What`s up? See you later.

[STlLES GlBBERlNG]

I can`t top that.

Bye.

[GlBBERlNG]

You dropped some cotton.

Well, now my place looks great.

Another crisis averted.

I`m gonna go work on this rust.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Hey.

That`ll be 1 000 points for everybody, except for Colin who only gets 800 because he thought that Wayne couldn`t really breakdance.

He was just trying to fool him and, holy cow, look at him go.

Let`s play Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

Brad, you`re going to be anchorman of a news show.

Brad, the anchor.

Colin, you`re the co-anchor.

You think you`re in a confessional.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

CAREY: Sportscaster is Wayne.

Wayne, you`ll be delivering the sports report from underwater.

And Ryan, you`re the weatherman and you`re a lost toddler looking for his mommy.

Brad, whenever you hear the music, go ahead and start the news.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Hello and welcome to The Six O`Clock News.

I`m Harry Hindquarters.

In international news the country of Polakalakawaka declared a state of w*r against the United States after a mutated sheep did something strange at the embassy.

We`ll keep you up to date on developments on this.

And now, with the local report, here`s Chester Buttocks.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Forgive me.

I haven`t had my last confessional since-- Never.

I`ve been very bad.

I shaveanimals for my own entertainment.

And then I make them do high-stepping Broadway musicals.

What is my penance? Well, that`s from the too-much-information desk.

Speaking of Hail Mary pass, let`s find out what`s in sports.

What a day in football.

Please welcome David Derriere.

David? Thanks a lot.

[SPEAklNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

[GRUNTlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

I just thought of another one.

I have impure thoughts about the Teletubbies.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

For some reason, I feel like I need to take a bath.

Now with the weather, let`s find out what`s gonna happen this weekend.

Please welcome, with the weather, Garrison Tush.

AUDlENCE: Aww.

[lN CHlLDlSH VOlCE]

lt`s gonna be cold this weekend.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

And dark, and l`m gonna be all alone.

Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? You don`t look like Mommy.

Mommy.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

Well, that`s all the time we have for The Six O`Clock News.

Sometimes it`s just better to be held.

Good night and thank you.

Are you my mommy? Ha-ha-ha.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, huh? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Now let`s go on to a game called Scenes From A Hat.

This is for all four of you.

We asked the audience to write down suggestions for games they`d like to see things they`d like to be acted out by the performers.

We put them all in this hat.

We put a lot in this hat, not all of them.

Picked the best ones.

And you guys are gonna have to act out as many as you can and let`s start with this one.

"Playing too hard with the puppy.

" Want to take a run at him? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

"lf Carol Channing were president.

" [lMlTATlNG CAROL CHANNlNG]

I never made love to that woman.

I never had sexual affairs with her.

Who the hell are you? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

"German pick-up lines.

" [lN GERMAN ACCENT]

Ja.

Can I conquer you? [lN GERMAN ACCENT]

I have cable.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

"Least likely person to wind up on a stamp.

" Right this way, Ms.

Lewinsky.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

"Famous last words.

" SHERWOOD: Right this way, Ms.

Lewinsky.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Trust me, you`ll blend in in Compton.

Come on.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

"lf dogs could talk.

" My wife just doesn`t understand me.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

-Your name is Jeff? -Yeah.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I`ve got worms where? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Hey, Timmy.

Old Lady Wilson`s in the well.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

"Least popular college courses.

" You know which way it is to Butt-Waxing 1 01? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

I said least popular.

"Unlikely Olympic events.

" All right, Jim.

This is your last chance at the Viagra vault.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

There`s a good one.

"People who shouldn`t rap.

" Oh, boy.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

Thank you very much.

Listen, that`s it.

We`re gonna go see a commercial.

We`ll be right back for more Whose Line Is It Anyway? Don`t go anywhere.

Hey.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything`s made up and points don`t matter.

If you`re keeping track of the score at home, I pity you.

I just really do.

Let`s go on to a game called Props.

I`m gonna give these guys some props.

They`ll think of as many things as they can.

Ryan and Colin.

That`s your prop.

And this your guys` prop, right here.

I know.

Okay, whenever you`re ready, Ryan and Colin, why don`t you start? Do you think I should lose the tie? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

How long you been a gladiator? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

You didn`t bring the beer? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Bring me the head of Frosty the Snowman.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

-lt`s a quiet night.

-Aye.

-ls that an iceberg? -What? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lMlTATES FRED FLlNTSTONE]

Hey, Barn, hop in the new car.

[lMlTATES BARNEY RUBBLE]

Okay, Fred.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I think you`ve burnt enough ants today, Gary.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I hope they don`t play any more foosball tonight.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

-Will you come down on the price? -Well.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I gotta go clean the giant`s ears.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Oh, this halo`s k*lling me.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

BRADY: A-woo-ha! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

I`m giving you three hours to leave town.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

That was great.

Thousand points to whoever burns those props for us.

Okay, let`s go on to a game called Greatest Hits.

This is for Ryan and Colin, Brad and Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

What`s gonna happen here is Ryan and Colin are gonna be TV-voiceover guys talking about the latest album they`re trying to sell.

And Brad and Wayne are gonna try to sing snippets of the songs.

And what we need from the audience is a suggestion for type of profession you wouldn`t normally sing songs about.

[AUDlENCE MEMBERS SHOUTlNG]

Exterminator.

That`s a good one.

Okay.

Let`s hear-- The album is Songs of the Exterminator.

Hi.

We`ll return you to your movie Hoedown, the Never-Ending Story, in just a moment.

But first, have we got a deal for you.

You know, throughout the ages there have been songs celebrating the manly or womanly exterminator.

And we have compiled over 1 5 CDs with every song imaginable.

Hey, why don`t you buy it? It`s not gonna k*ll you.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

You know, some of the greatest songs you`ll ever hear are on this compilation.

For example, the `40s.

Oh, some of my best prenatal memories go to this wonderful big-band instrumental: "Snarky, The Mouse With PMS.

" [PlANO PLAYlNG]

[lMlTATlNG TRUMPET]

[lMlTATlNG BASS]

[SHERWOOD lMlTATlNG TRUMPET]

[SlNGlNG]

Snarky, the mouse with PMS He`s Snarky Snarky the mouse Oh, Snarky The mouse with PMS [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Boy, they don`t make music like that anymore.

No.

You know, Colin, you`re a child of the `80s, just like me.

And Lord knows, we both come from the province of Saskatchewan where our favorite type of movie was `80s rock music.

And none was better than this number one hit, "They`re In The Walls.

" [SYNTHESlZER PLAYlNG]

Yeah! [SlNGlNG]

I hear them at night When I`m laying sleeping Ticky-ticky Move-move All the furniture I hear them clickin ` Oh, yeah They`re in the cupboard They`re in the dining room hall Then they`re even crawling Inside the wall They`re in the wall They`re in the wall Thank you, Cleveland.

We have mentioned so many songs here today.

Can they all fit in one CD? They can if you squeeze them hard and screw up with the sound quality.

Let`s not talk about our personal life.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

You know, lounge music-- Lounge music is making a big comeback and so it should.

Some of my finest memories were of lounges and of this particular song, that great lounge song, "Rat`s Life.

" [PlANO PLAYlNG]

Thanks for coming out tonight.

All right.

Don`t forget to tip your waitresses.

[SlNGlNG]

Oh, you see Oh, please, baby, please I`m just one rat Trying to get cheese Come on.

Slice that cheese With a switchblade Kn*fe `Cause, baby, it`s a rat`s life Oh, scuttlin ` around Scuttlin trying to find a hole [BOTH SCATTlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Thank you.

Enjoy the veal.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

That was great.

Hey, listen.

We`ll see a commercial.

We`ll find out who the winner is and they get to do something with me.

So don`t go away.

More Whose Line right after this.

And welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway? Tonight`s winner, Ryan and Colin.

Ryan and Colin are the winners.

Or are they? Uh.

Ha-ha-ha.

We`re gonna do a scene called Hands Through.

What happens is Ryan can`t use his arms and Colin is gonna be the arms for him.

And we`re gonna do a scene.

I saw the setup here.

What`s the scene? Ryan is a highly strung entertainer at a child`s party trying to entertain birthday boy Drew.

[lN CHlLDlSH VOlCE]

Hey.

Hey, you`re stupid.

Hey.

I don`t care if your dad has a television show or not.

Shut up.

I wanna have some fun.

Do something fun.

I`ve got about 1 0 minutes left and l`m off.

Where`d you get the--? I see them up your sleeve.

You see the g*n up my sleeve that l`m gonna use on you in % minutes? You want tricks.

I`ve got tricks for you here.

This is the magic egg.

-What is that? -I said, the magic egg.

-Look, I put the egg in my mouth.

-Yeah.

And another one.

CAREY: Where`d it go? [CAREY LAUGHlNG]

-You like that? -That was funny.

That was funny.

Why don`t I make you a little balloon animal? I love animals.

I don`t like red! And there we go.

I can`t get it off my.

It`s a-- lt`s a finger snake.

Wow.

That`s really great.

Can I have it? Of course, you can.

Everything here is yours.

Thank you very much.

What`s these right there? Here? That`s just a top hat.

There`s nothing in that hat.

There`s nothing at all.

It`s a-- lt`s a-- A rabbit.

Oh, my gosh.

Now, the hard part is pulling a hat out of a rabbit.

Watch this.

There we go.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

That was great.

That was great.

I wanna see another magic trick.

Alrighty.

Why don`t I just get this can of peanuts? I love peanut brittle.

-Why don`t you open the can of peanuts? -Okay.

Sure.

[STlLES LAUGHlNG]

Don`t worry.

It happens to me all the time.

You know, we`ve got lots of stuff going on here.

[CAREY CRYlNG]

Oh, don`t cry, little boy.

Look.

Why don`t we have a little bit of pie? That will make you feel better.

Just a little bit of pie, huh? I don`t want any pie.

I don`t want any pie.

Well, I certainly don`t want any pie.

How do you know unless you try it first? All right, all right.

Just to make you laugh, l`ll do it.

One, two-- [BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

We`ll see you next time.

Goodbye.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]