03x05 - Write 'Em Cowboy

[bunniefuu]

- Aw, look at my little cubs
of anarchy.

Are you excited
about your new bike?

- Yes.

- Here you go, buddy.

- What the [bleep] is that?

I asked for a motorcycle.

- Malloy, we both know
you're not big enough.

Besides, this is just as cool.

- I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy.

- I am not
getting on that thing.

- Not without your safety gear.

- I look ridiculous.
Everybody's gonna laugh at me.

- Malloy, no one's gonna
laugh at you.

[laughter]

- That's it.

I'm gonna go
set up the k*ll room.

- Don't forget
your outside helmet.

Daddy's gotta protect
his little therapy pet.

[all gasp]

- You're alive?
- Yes. Why?

- Oh, when you were two hours
late, we assumed you were dead.

- We even wrote your obituary.

- "steve williams.

Lived, d*ed, fat."

That's it?

Why didn't you list
any of my accomplishments?

- Uh, we said fat.

- How about the fact that
I've been ranger of the month

For years?

- Steve, it's about time
we told you.

That award is meaningless.

Your medal is
a snapple cap we painted gold.

- Oh, my god.

I haven't done anything
with my life.

When I'm dead,
no one will remember me.

- Nobody gives a sh*t, steve.
I'm out of here.

- Don't forget
your bubble armor.

- I can't breathe!

- [chuckles]
have fun, little buddy.

Stay in the driveway.

[crash]

- ♪ brickleberry ♪

- Woody, I'm too big
for your stupid bedtime stories.

- "once there was a man
with a big, yellow mustache,

"and he had
a curious little cubsy wubsy

"who kept the man's brain demons
at bay.

"without his cuddles,
the man would have to accept

"that during the w*r,

"he made a functioning piano
out of iraqi teeth and dicks.

The end."

- At least it wasn't
the berenstain bears.

I hate those jews.

- P.S. Daddy will not be here
to tuck you in tomorrow

'cause he's going
to a strip club.

- The strip club?
I wanna go.

- Whoa, slow down.

You're too small.

- You say that about everything.

- Aw, is my cubsy afraid
to be home alone?

Don't worry.

Daddy has a babysitter
all lined up for you.

- That always works out well.

That's what I'd do
for a klondike bar.

- Hey, steve.

Hey, what the hell
are you doing?

- I realized I have
to make my mark in the world.

If ray j got famous for
making a sex tape with a horse,

Then so can I.

- Steve, that wasn't a horse.

That was kim kardashian.

- Ew!

I'll figure out some other way
to make my mark.

Hello, guinness?

I just broke a record.

I stuck 39 rolls of dimes
up my ass.

What?

Shia labeouf did 40?

[dimes hit the floor]
damn it!

- What's the big deal?

It's called a fetish!

[crash]

- Eh, d-d-d-d.

Where do you think you're going,
little bear?

- Well, man with the accent
I can't place,

I am here to see the titties.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You must be at least
as tall as her c-section scar,

Or else you [bleep] off.

But you are welcome to play

At jorge's single mom
stripper daycare.

- Hey, look,
it's a wish machine.

All right, mr. No fly list.

Here goes.

[machine dings]

[mechanical breathing]

I wish I was big.

[mechanical breathing]

Damn.

See, this is why
I don't trust brown people.

[eerie music]

- [humming and strumming]

- I didn't know
you played guitar.

- It's what I do when I'm sad.

- Hmm.
You're really good.

Have you written any songs?
- A few.

I'd love to perform them,
but I'd be too embarrassed.

- Too embarrassed?

Didn't you shove
$195 worth of dimes up your ass?

- Every time I fart,
it's like I hit triple 7s.

- Maybe your songs
could put you on the map.

I got some contacts.
I could get you a gig.

- Okay, but first
I gotta drop a deuce.

We gotta find a coinstar.

- Morning, malloy.

- Good morning.

- What the [bleep]?

What happened to you, malloy?

- Magic is real!

- All right, steve.

I pulled a lot of strings
to help get you this gig.

Hey, baby.

It's my girlfriend's
grandson's party,

So don't screw it up.

- Don't worry.
The kids will love it.

I'm doing a song I wrote about
guys who work on a mountain.

- All right.
Now go get 'em.

- [clears throat]

♪ mountain men
I love mountain men ♪

♪ mountin' harry, mountin' tom,
and mountin' ben ♪

♪ sharing a tent
with my favorite dudes ♪

♪ I want to be
mountin' men like you ♪

♪ they're sweaty, hairy,
and hard as a rock ♪

- Steve, what the hell?

You better
play something else quick!

Something for the kids.

- Ooh, I've got
a cute rooster song.

- Do it! Do it!

- ♪ I'm in the barn,
I'm playing with my cock ♪

♪ all the boys line up
to pet my cock ♪

♪ he's thick, he's red,
he's got a big old head ♪

♪ why don't I just
show you instead? ♪

♪ raise your hand
if you want to see my cock ♪

- k*ll him!
- Let's get him!

- Run, steve, run!

- What'd I say?
What'd I say?

What'd I say?

They hate me.

Why did they hate me?

- Steve, didn't you think
there was something...

q*eer about those songs?

- I just write
wholesome country songs.

See?

- Farmhand jobs.

Come in my back door, bubba.

Riding the bologna pony?

- What'd I tell you?

- Hmm.
You know what?

I think you just need
a change of venue.

- ♪ you say love ♪

♪ is easy ♪

♪ ♪

♪ but love
is painful ♪

♪ but love
can make you cry ♪

♪ but love
can leave you bloody ♪

♪ it's not easy ♪

♪ but love
fills you up inside ♪

[crowd cheers and whistles]

- [strums]

Maybe america is ready

For my innocent,
wholesome country songs.

And not dirty songs
that are all about sex

Like your people's music.

- And with me as your manager,
you're gonna be big.

- Everybody loved me last night.

I got so many high fives
and ass slaps.

Those guys over at hogg riders

Sure know
how to have a good time.

- They sure do, buddy.

Now you better be
moseying on out of here.

You gotta practice up
for your next gig.

- Denzel booked me at
this place called a bathhouse.

- That's actually a--

- A place where men
can wash each other's dicks

In a heterosexual manner.

- Why aren't you
telling steve the truth?

- Steve thinks his songs
are all pure and innocent.

If he knew they were
about hard-core gay sex,

He wouldn't play them.

- And you wouldn't be wearing
a new panda skin jacket.

- Aw, don't be a hater.
It's faux.

Fo-sho real panda skin.

Ha ha!

- Listen up, rangers.

There is a problem with malloy.

[motorcycle revs]

- 'sup, squirts?

- Huh.
- Cool.

- Hey, I guess magic is real.

- Malloy, what are you doing
with that death machine?

- Shut up, woody.
She's been tested.

- You can't ride
without a helmet.

Do you wanna get
a [bleep] up gary busey brain?

- Don't be ridiculous.

These things aren't dangerous.

[motorcycle revs]

- Oh, no.
I'll give her mouth-to-mouth.

- That's not her mouth.

- It's okay.

She's dead.

- You okay, woody?

- I'd be better if a giant bear
didn't maul me in my sleep.

- It stopped your snoring.

- Oh, malloy,
you destroyed the bathroom!

Where's the toilet?

- Check under that big pile
of bear sh*t.

- God damn it, malloy,
you've wrecked the place!

Is that abortia-geddon?

- No, it's abortia-geddon two.

- I told you
that game was verboten!

I even used german
to make it scarier.

- I'm big.
I can buy any game I want.

- No more fetus games,

No more midnight maulings,

And that motorcycle
has got to go!

My house, my rules.

- Then I'll just move
out of your house.

- Ha!

You won't make it for a second
in the real world.

You'll be crawling back,
begging me to take you in.

- I'll never come back here.

I'm done with you
and your bullshit rules.

- Little bear,
you have no idea

How miserable
you're gonna be out there.

- Whoo!
You girls are so hot!

- Okay, closing time!

Here's your bill, bear.

That will be $700.

- Oh.
I am out of money.

- Get outta here!

And go get a job, you deadbeat!

- I don't need a job
or this place.

This is amazing!

- How's everybody doing?

[crowd cheers]

This song's
about my friend pedro...

- [unplugs mic]

- Who rode my donkey
all the way to mexico

Without a saddle.
- [plugs mic in]

- ♪ pedro's going bareback
on my ass ♪

♪ pedro's going bareback
on my ass ♪

♪ I said skin on skin
may give you an infection ♪

♪ but he slapped my ass ♪

♪ said he don't use
no protection ♪

♪ pedro's riding my ass raw ♪

♪ pedro's riding my ass raw ♪

♪ he's a real man
without a doubt ♪

♪ but when pedro's done
my ass will be worn out ♪

Hyah!

[crowd cheers]

- Thank you, everyone!

- Hey, get off me!

- Hello, denzel.

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm the head of the gay mafia.

We control hollywood
and all of entertainment.

- You do exist.

Fox news was right.

- Yeah!
They're right about everything.

We wanna help you.

You've taken steve williams
as far as he can go.

It's time for the gay mafia
to take him to the next level.

Stadiums, record deals, youtube.

- Holy sh*t!
Youtube?

You can really do that?

- Yeah!

Denzel, you seem like a man
who likes money.

If you sign a contract with us
right now,

We'll give you
a cash signing bonus.

- I am a man who likes money.

And do we have to tell steve
about the signing bonus?

- That is up to steve's manager.

- That's me!
So the answer is...

Aw, hell no!

- This is a huge arena.

How did you pull this off?

- I, uh,
have a few new connections.

- Thanks, man.

You're really helping me
make my mark on the world.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now put this on
and get out there.

[cheers and applause]

- This song is
all about a guy...

- [unplugs mic]

- Who couldn't make it home
for christmas

Because the transmission
went out on his pickup truck.

- [plugs mic in]
- what'd he say?

- Mm-mm-mm.

- ♪ honey, tell the kids ♪

♪ I won't be home today ♪

♪ got something to tell you ♪

♪ that's really hard to say ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ this might hurt you,
but there's nothing I can do ♪

♪ 'cause I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ this might hurt you,
but there's nothing I can do ♪

♪ 'cause I blew a tr*nny ♪

♪ last night ♪

All: Steve! Steve! Steve!
Steve! Steve! Steve!

- And I'm not
supposed to say it,

But george clooney had sex
right where you're standing.

- Wow.
I need this place.

- Great.
It's a steal at 8,000 a month.

- What can I get for 4 bucks

And a rough hand job
with, uh, bear paws?

- Nice, huh?

Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen,

All in one room.

Plus...

Central air!

- Uh, is he dead?

- Don't worry,
not m*rder.

Poisonous spiders.

You take it?

- Guess I have no choice.
- Great.

And tell your roommate
to stop giving me the stink eye.

[spider hisses]

- [whistling]

- Wow, woody.
You're in a good mood.

- Why wouldn't I be?

- 'cause we thought
you'd be skunk sh*t crazy

Now that malloy's gone.

- What are you talking about?

Malloy's not gone.

He's right here.

- Jesus!
- Aah!

Incoming!

Eat the women and children
first!

Aah!

- Uh-oh.

- [imitating g*nf*re]

- We need to get malloy back...
- [screaming]

- To calm woody down
before he gets worse.

- What the hell is
charlie doing in iraq?

[camera clicks]
- ha ha!

We like brickleberry park!

- Why am I riding a guy again?

- Look, it's all cgi.

They're gonna turn that guy
into a horse later.

That's how they did it
in lord of the rings.

Hey, don't you think
this is kinda graphic?

- We've got a lot riding
on steve's success,

So let me make this clear:

Go tell steve that
we want it to be more graphic,

Or you'll wind up in a ditch
with your d*ck in your mouth.

- More graphic it is.

Hey, steve,
smack your horse

On the ass a few times.

- Whatever you say, denzel.

- Now pretend your shaking
a thick ketchup bottle

On your face.

- Like this?
- No, it's stuck.

You gotta shake it harder!

Oh, the cap is still on.

Try to take it off
with your butt.

- This is gonna be a cool video.

- Congratulations, denzel.

We've booked
a huge concert for steve

At brickleberry amphitheater.

- Ooh, that's great.

Now I'll be able
to pay off this.

- We'll need steve to debut
a hot new single

At the concert.
- Done.

- We're also going to need him
to promote the concert on ellen.

- Oh, no.
Steve can't do tv.

He doesn't even know his songs--

Oh!
I mean all right!

- Which has less calories?

The chicken-zilla
or the beef st. Helens?

- Like it matters.

Why don't you just get
a yummy meal?

It comes with a mirror,
so you can find your cooch.

- Ah.
Marroy!

You mean to customers.

You fired!

- I need this job, man.
I have bills to pay.

- Oh, wah.

You fired!

- By the way,
I jerked off in the silly sauce.

Enjoy.

[upbeat music]

- Please welcome

Country music icon
steve williams.

[applause]

♪ ♪

- Steve, you're a brave man.

- Thank you, sir.
So are you, alan.

- Uh, we are just so honored

To have the first gay country
music artist on our show today.

- Oh!
Kenny chesney's here?

[laughter]

- You are such a hoot.

We have a little clip
of your latest music video.

I hope
I can awkwardly dance to it.

- No, sh*t.
Not the video.

- Uh, you wanna tell us
anything about it?

- I open an invisible bottle
of ketchup with my butt.

- Amazing.
Let's roll the video.

[country music]

- Oh, my god.

What am I doing?

That's not ketchup!

W-why would they squirt that
on me?

Close your mouth, steve!

No!

Aah!

Why?

[upbeat music]
- why?

- Hey!
What are you doing?

- Kicking you out!

You're late on your rent!

- Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously?
- Ahh.

- Seriously?
- Uh, yes, sir.

- I wish you were here
to tell me a bedtime story.

- Once upon a time,

I stabbed my mother[bleep] pimp
to death

With a broke-off buick antenna!

Good night, baby.

- Look, steve,
I just wanna--

- No, I don't wanna hear
more of your lies.

You made me a fraud.

Nothing against gay sex,

I mean, it's on my bucket list,

But these songs were innocent,
and you betrayed me.

- I'm sorry, steve.

I just wanted to help you
leave your mark.

I promise
I'll never lie to you again.

- It's too late.

I quit!
- You can't quit!

- Oh, yeah?

They said
I couldn't spell either,

But watch me l-e-v-e.

- You're not going anywhere.

- Who are
these effeminate thugs?

- Oh, uh, I may have signed
your life away to the gay mafia

Without telling you.

That's an omission of fact.

Not a lie.
Big difference.

- That little freak-out
on ellen

Better not mean trouble
for your concert,

Because if you don't show up
with a new single, you are both

♪ dead ♪

- If I'm gonna get
a death thr*at,

I do prefer show tune-style.

- Oh.
We've searched for hours.

Where could he be?

[metal banging]

- Stupid machine.
I hate you.

- Malloy!

- Oh,
I never thought I'd say this,

But I'm really happy
to see you guys.

I hate being big.

- I know exactly what you mean.

- I said "big,"
not "kathy bates."

- Woody needs you.

He's gone crazy
without you around.

- There's nothing I can do.

This machine only grants
one wish per customer.

- I can make a wish.

[harp music]

Oops, sorry.

That's the first thing
that popped into my head.

- Connie, this isn't about you.

[harp music]

- Oh, it didn't work.

- Yes, it did.

Guess who's hpv-free.

- Give it a week.

- We need to get woody.

He's the only one
who would use his wish

To make malloy small again.

[harp music]

- Oh, ray-ray, you alive!

Oh, I'm so happy.

I get to k*ll you again,
mother[bleep]!

- Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!

- Woody!

Oh, he could be anywhere.

[suspenseful music]

- Say hello to my little friend.

- I'll say.

- Hey, the water's cold,
all right?

We all know I'm packing 12
when I'm hanging right.

Now prepare to die!

[imitating g*nshots]

[grunts]

You'll never take me alive!

- Um...

Bang?

- [screams]

- Come on, man,
you got another song in you.

- Okay.
Okay, I can do this.

♪ I wanna put my butt ♪

♪ in your butt ♪

- We're [bleep].

The only honorable thing
to do now

Is to change our names
and start a new life.

- Good thing I keep
a couple of emergency disguises

Just in case.

- Steve, what in the hell
are we supposed to be?

- Duh.
The lone ranger and tauntaun.

We'll blend right in.

- Steve?
Steve williams?

- Uh, no.

I'm a tauntaun.

[babbles]

- My entire life,
I've been bullied for being gay.

I was about to end it all
before I heard your music.

You're my hero.

- You're telling me
your life was saved

By the song butt love?

- Be quiet, chemotherapy.

This kid just gave me
an idea for a song.

What's your name, son?

- Billy black.

[cheers and applause]

- My biggest fan inspired me
to write a touching new song.

Come up onstage here, billy.

[cheers and applause]

Billy, I promise
it gets better,

Even though sometimes
people can be cruel.

This goes out to you,
billy black.

[soft country music]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm so sorry, billy ♪

♪ black, people suck ♪

♪ it's not your fault, billy ♪

♪ black, people stink ♪

♪ don't worry, billy ♪

♪ black, people are animals ♪

♪ I'd like to tie them
to my pickup truck ♪

♪ and drag 'em down the road ♪

[crowd boos]
- gay riot!

- Get him!

- That's it.
You guys are finished.

[crowd yells and boos]

- [screams]

- Oh, man.

Why couldn't that kid
have been named billy mexican?

- I'll give you
anything you want.

Just don't k*ll me!

Ow!

Cubsy wubsy.

Is that you?

- Woody!

Woody, I was wrong.

Being big sucks.

Please wish me smaller.

- Anything for you,
little buddy.

[harp music]

- I love magic.

[harp music]
ah, sh*t, what's happening?

- Aww!

My cubsy wubsy is even cuter
wuter when he's tiny whiney.

- g*dd*mn irony.
Magic sucks.

- That was a disaster.

Why did they hate my song
so much?

- Don't sweat it, steve.

You just need a change of venue.

- ♪ I'd like to tie 'em
to my pickup truck ♪

♪ and drag 'em down the road ♪

[crowd cheers]

- Denzel was right.

These angry cancer patients
love my billy black song.

All: Heil, steve!

- Hi back to you!

- Aah!